Vault: He Won't Let His Girlfriend Smoke Even Though He Does?!

Summary

The Bert Show – "He Won't Let His Girlfriend Smoke Even Though He Does?!"

Episode Date: January 8, 2026
Host: Bert, with co-hosts Janice, Jen, and others
Caller: Jenny

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Overview

This episode centers around a listener, Jenny, who faces an ultimatum from her boyfriend: quit smoking or their relationship is over. The twist? He smokes too, but expects her to quit while he continues. The conversation quickly expands from personal health choices to cultural expectations, relationship control, and gender double standards. The Bert Show and its callers dive into these nuanced issues, balancing empathy, tough love, and a lot of “real talk.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Jenny’s Dilemma – Setting the Stage

• Jenny has smoked since she was 13; she’s now almost 20 and has been with her boyfriend for 4.5 years.
  Jenny: “All I do is smoke. So, I mean, if I want to quit, I should... [he] should let me quit on my own and not just try to tell me I need to do it now and give me ultimatum...” (03:00)
• Her boyfriend says if she doesn’t quit, he doesn’t see a future together.
• Cultural Conflict: Both come from Asian backgrounds, where there’s strong disapproval of women who smoke. “Because we're from an Asian culture, so it's kind of a whole respect thing for elderly people.” (03:11)

The Double Standard: He Smokes, She Can’t

• The boyfriend smokes as well but claims quitting is easier for him.
• Jenny notes he promises to quit with her but hasn’t followed through. “Skipping a couple days isn’t quitting.” – Co-host Janice (04:24)
• The show highlights the hypocrisy:
  Host: “So he wants you to stop entirely while he continues to smoke as much as he wants.” (04:35)

Control vs. Care: Where’s the Line?

• The Bert Show crew digs into whether the boyfriend’s pressure is about genuine health concerns or controlling behavior.
• Janice and Jen point out that demanding someone changes – especially when you’re not making that change yourself – undermines your credibility.
• Co-host Jen: “If it was just the smoking... I’d give him all the credit here and I’d tell her she needs to listen to him. But because he smokes, he loses all credibility and becomes a control issue.” (14:54)

Cultural & Generational Perspectives

• Callers and co-hosts discuss Asian cultural norms, where women who smoke are seen as “cheap” or “low class.”
• One caller, Lisa, confirms:
  “Yes, hi. Where I come from, I'm an Asian, too. When women smoke in public, they consider you as, like, a cheap person... but I think he's trying to tell who wears the pants in this relationship... that's what's going on.” (08:36)

Deeper Relationship Issues

• The crew raises the flag: Is this smoking issue a signal of deeper control or future conflicts?
• Host: “When you look at the future with this guy, have you thought, well, maybe he’s gonna start trying to control me in other areas also?” (07:41)

Jenny’s Independence & Health Struggles

• Jenny says:
  “I’m a very independent person, and I don’t like people to tell me what to do.” (07:53)
• She acknowledges health impacts (frequent illness, weak immune system) but says change must be at her own pace.
• Boyfriend reacts with anger instead of sympathy when she’s sick, which the crew partially understands – frustration at self-destructive habits, but still not fully supportive.

Callers Weigh In – Solidarity and Warnings

• Caller Michelle: Urges Jenny not to let her boyfriend control her, sharing her own struggles with a controlling husband.
  “Don’t you let any man control you.” (06:47 and 07:10)
• Caller Tony: Another Asian American relates:
  “Girl, this is America. If you want to do it, you have to do it for yourself. You can’t let a man tell you what to do... you should do it when you’re ready, but not because someone told you you shouldn’t do it because of cultural reasons.” (12:53)

Emotion, Empathy, and a Reality Check

• The show encourages Jenny to look honestly at her boyfriend’s behavior – both as a potential red flag and as an indicator for her future happiness in the relationship.
• They emphasize that ultimately, she should make health decisions for herself, not out of rebellion or pressure.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Double Standard Called Out:
  “He wants you to stop entirely while he continues to smoke as much as he wants.” – Host (04:35)

• Control vs. Care:
  “Don’t rebel against him by not stopping smoking... It’s gonna be better for you to stop smoking and maybe go for it with him. But also take a look at your relationship... is he just controlling you?” – Co-host Jen (10:20)

• Cultural Conundrum:
  “In [Asia], men look down on women who smoke. So women who smoke are considered bad people. Here... it’s not a bad thing.” – Jenny (05:31)

• Red Flags in Relationships:
  “He’s given you a great example of what your future may look like here.” – Host (14:43)

• Credibility Gap:
  “If he didn’t smoke... I’d give him all the credit here... But because he smokes, he loses all credibility and [it] becomes a control issue.” – Co-host Jen (14:54)

• Empowerment from Callers:
  “Do not ever let a man control you.” – Michelle, caller (07:10)
  “If you want to do it, you have to do it for yourself. You can’t let a man tell you what to do.” – Tony, caller (12:53)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Jenny Explains the Situation: 01:30–03:09
• Cultural Pressures & Gender Double Standard: 03:09–05:41
• Boyfriend’s Hypocrisy and Control Debate: 05:41–07:41
• Caller Michelle’s Warning on Control: 06:47–07:32
• Health vs. Control Debate Continues: 07:53–11:11
• Cultural vs. Personal Values – Caller Lisa: 08:36–09:50
• Co-host Jen’s Advice on Rebellion and Self-Respect: 10:17–10:47
• Caller Tony’s Perspective – Do It For You: 12:53–13:32
• Show Summary and Final Thoughts: 13:32–15:21

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Final Takeaways

The Bert Show provides a relatable, empathetic sounding board, ultimately advising Jenny to make her own decisions about her health and happiness. The conversation highlights cultural expectations, double standards in relationships, and the importance of autonomy. The hosts and callers urge Jenny to carefully consider whether her boyfriend’s motivations are loving concern or unhealthy control — and to see this moment as a snapshot of what her future with him might look like.

If you’re facing a similar situation: Listen to your gut, look for red flags beyond the immediate issue, and remember that real change—especially when it comes to personal health—needs to happen on your terms.

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Host (The Birch Show)]

The Birch Show Hey, Jenny, we're gonna call you. Jenny, what's going on? I gotta pick up your phone first. Hey, Jenny.

[Co-host Janice]

Hi.

[Caller Jenny]

Hi.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

How are you?

[Caller Jenny]

Fine.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

We've been trying to get to your call for a week and a. Sorry it's taking us so long.

[Caller Jenny]

It's all right.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

All right. So what's going on now with this boyfriend that you got?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, we kind of had a conversation about it yesterday and, well, he said he loves me. You know, he tells me that, you know, he doesn't want to lose me, but if I continue to smoking, then he doesn't want to have a future with me.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

How long have you been smoking?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, I kind of started when I was young, when I was around 13. And I'm about to be 20 this year.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

So you've been smoking for seven years? You've been going out with this guy for how long?

[Caller Jenny]

Four and a half years.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Four and a half years. And when did he tell you that he Wants you to stop smoking.

[Caller Jenny]

It's been like this for a couple years, but this year it's to the point where he can't take it anymore.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Okay, so he's saying you smoke too much. He doesn't like to be around the smoke when he's around you, that he's got that smell on his clothes. It's a disgusting, disgusting habit. And if you don't stop smoking, he is gone, right?

[Caller Jenny]

Yeah, it is. It's just the fact that the culture that we come from, he doesn't want his family to know that I smoke. And I tell him what I do outside the house. I do not bring it home. So I don't see what's the problem. And I mean, I don't drink or anything or anything else. All I do is smoke. So, I mean, if I want to quit, I should. He should let me quit on my own and not just, you know, try to tell me I need to do it now and give me ultimatum saying that if I don't quit, he's gonna leave me.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

What culture are we talking about?

[Caller Jenny]

Because we're from an Asian culture, so it's kind of a whole respect thing for elderly people.

[Co-host Janice]

Okay.

[Co-host Burt]

I think Jen Happy would probably say this or can say it or attest better than that. Yeah.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

How is that possible?

[Co-host Janice]

I don't know how Jen's gonna. I don't know what she knows.

[Co-host Burt]

All right, Jen, try to top this. What I was going to say is there's probably no worse time to quit smoking than when somebody else is telling you to quit smoking. Because then you're like, then the more.

[Caller Jenny]

I want to smoke.

[Co-host Burt]

Go ahead, Jen.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Yeah, good luck saying it better than that, Jen.

[Co-host Jen]

Well, isn't there a different angle to this whole story? We haven't heard from her yet.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

We haven't even gotten to that yet. And Jenny.

[Caller Jenny]

Yes.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

So we're all assuming here that your boyfriend is healthy. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke. Right.

[Caller Jenny]

Well, he smokes, too.

[Co-host Janice]

Now, is he trying to quit?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, see, this is the thing about different between me and him. It's hard for me to quit. And for him, he can go days without a cigarette. But he needs to understand that not all people are the same when it comes to wanting to quit. You know what I mean? Because cigarettes is very hard.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

But he hasn't quit smoking.

[Co-host Janice]

Skipping a couple days isn't quitting.

[Caller Jenny]

He hasn't quit, like, totally no cigarette. I mean, you know, he's like, once in a while he has a cigarette, but that's. That's the same thing as smoking. It's not quitting, right?

[Co-host Janice]

Yeah.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

So he's, he doesn't smoke as much as you do, but that's not his problem. He wants you to stop entirely while he continues to smoke as much as he wants.

[Caller Jenny]

I guess you can say that.

[Co-host Jen]

Okay, so if you stop smoking, will he stop smoking with you?

[Caller Jenny]

He tells me that he can stop smoking now. If he stops smoking and I still continue to smoke, then that's it. He tells me if he can quit, that I need to quit.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Now, let me ask you about a cultural question then. In your culture, is it okay for a man to dictate what goes on in the relationship?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, not everything.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Like, what can he dictate and what can't he in your culture?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, because he knows that I've been here all my life, you know, so the way things are over here in the United States is different from where, where he's from, you know, in, in what way?

[Co-host Janice]

Like.

[Caller Jenny]

Well, because in there, they, they don't. They. Men look down on women who smoke. So people, women who smoke are considered bad people.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Okay.

[Caller Jenny]

You know, and here, I mean, I'm not the only female that smokes. I, you know, so, I mean, it's not a bad thing.

[Co-host Janice]

But he's in his eyes. Based on how he was raised, he, he sees you in a different light because you are from an Asian culture.

[Caller Jenny]

Yeah.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Okay, let's take the calls. 404-741-1005. Good morning, David. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller Jenny]

Hey, she needs to quit when he quits.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Have you ever said that to him? I'll quit when you quit.

[Caller Jenny]

I tell, I tell him that.

[Co-host Burt]

But what's he saying?

[Caller Jenny]

I mean, he tells me that, oh, he'll, he'll go get nicotine patch or something. We'll do it together. I'm like, okay, when you get it, then I'll do it. But I haven't seen him got it yet. So, I mean, I don't see what's the point of why I have to quit when he tells me to. I want to quit. It's just I have to do it on my own pace. I don't smoke as much as I used to. And I tell him that, you know, he needs to respect that I don't smoke as much as I used to now, you know, and that's the good thing. So he should support me instead of telling me, oh, you need to quit. You need to quit.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Good morning, Michelle. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller Jenny]

Girl, don't let that man control you. I've been married forever, and my husband controls everything I do. It's not okay for me to do anything, but he can drink his beer and have his friends and do his thing. Don't you let any man control you.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Yeah.

[Co-host Jen]

Jenny, is this weird advice coming from the woman who, if you can't, feels controlled, but she's giving advice to not let the man control him?

[Co-host Burt]

No, she's speaking from experience.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

She's still there. You're still there, right?

[Caller Jenny]

I'm still here. My man controls everything I do, and it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to this young girl. I'm older, and I grew up with a mom that wouldn't let a man do anything to control her. And then I turn out to be controlled. And take a fool's advice, girlfriend, do not ever let a man control you.

[Co-host Janice]

If you can't do, teach.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

There you go. That's a theme today.

[Co-host Janice]

That's a theme today.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Yeah.

[Co-host Janice]

But I agree with Janice. A little ironic that she's giving such hard advice, but she can't do it herself.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Hey, Jenny, is this just a symptom of what's to come in your relationship? I mean, if he's trying to control your smoking. When you looked at the future with this guy, have you thought, well, maybe he's gonna start trying to control me in other areas also?

[Caller Jenny]

Well, he knows that I don't listen to. I mean, because me, I'm a very independent person, and I don't like people to tell me what to do. But I know that smoking is bad for me because I have a very weak immune system, so I'd be sick throughout the year. So when I get better, I be sick again. And he just. He. He's the type of person that He's. He is very mad when something happens to me. I mean, instead of being sympathetic, like, oh, you know, are you okay? This and that, he gets mad because the fact that I'm sick.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Well, I can understand that. I can understand that a lot.

[Co-host Janice]

I gotta be honest with you. I can understand his position too, because the more he coddles you, I mean, you're not. You're not taking responsibility for your own health. So I can see the frustration.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

This may be a cultural thing here that we don't quite understand. Good morning, Lisa. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller Jenny]

Yes, hi. Where I come from, I'm an Asian, too. When women smoke in public, they consider you as, like, a cheap person. Like a, maybe not a so called prostitute, but really cheap and low class people. Okay, Maybe that's why he's trying to say that. But I think what's going on here is, I think he's trying to, since they've been together for four years, I think they're just, he's just trying to tell who wears the pants in this relationship. So if I tell you to quit, you quit. Where, where, you know, that's what's going on. Seems like. But as far as the culture experience, I've been here all my life too. And my husband, you know, been here almost what, four years in the United States. So when he, when he, I guess it's like a typical male thing in Asia where we tell you to do something, you got to do it.

[Co-host Janice]

Honey, that's just not, that's not just in Asia. I just think it's funny how it's an Asian culture. No, you just heard from the last caller. That could be also American culture.

[Caller Jenny]

Yeah, but, but he's got to understand that she's been living here all, all her life and, and she doesn't have to take orders from men.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Well, let me ask you this, but.

[Caller Jenny]

Health wise, yeah, it is, it is better for quit if you stop smoking. It's actually better for when you have a cold or anything like that. You get better faster than the non smoker. But the thing is, if he quits, then yeah, maybe she should quit too. But if he's not quitting, maybe she shouldn't.

[Co-host Jen]

Go ahead, Jen, there's two different issues here. First of all, the advice is good for you to stop smoking and you can do it and email me and I'll send you all kinds of different ways to do it.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

You got to put that picture back up on the website of that dude.

[Co-host Jen]

Don't rebel against him by not stopping smoking. Does that make sense? Because you're gonna wanna rebel against him. Cause he's trying to control you. And I do think that's an issue. And you need to take a look at that relationship. Like Burt said, this may be a symptom of something else that comes up later, but don't rebel against him by continuing to smoke. Does that make sense? It's gonna be better for you to stop smoking and maybe go for it with him. But also take a look at your relationship and analyze. Is he talking about smoking or is he just controlling you?

[Co-host Janice]

And also Jenny, I'm curious because he's not on the phone. Is he doing this to you because of he knows your health or Is he doing this to you because of a control issue or are you just interpreting him being boss and trying to tell you what to do? Because he's constantly over the past four years, watching you be sick all year long, knowing you're doing it to yourself. And he's just frustrated by this point and just being emphatic about, you know what, you've gotta quit.

[Caller Jenny]

Because, I mean, the only issue that we have is the smoking issue. I mean, I can understand about him caring about me, about my health. And he tells me that, oh, what if I get pregnant or something? Am I going to stop? Am I going to not smoke for nine months? And I tell him, I tell him that's a different issue. I mean, I may not really give a care about my health right now, but when it comes to a child's health, of course I'm going to have to not smoke for the nine months when I have to.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

It just sounds like you're talking about two different things. When you first came on, you said that he has been telling you that he doesn't want you to smoke because there are cultural stereotypes within your culture that say that you're kind of low class if you're smoking. And now you're saying it's a health thing. So which is it?

[Caller Jenny]

He tells me that he doesn't want me smoking because of the health. And he tells me that it's okay for men to smoke, but it's not okay for women to smoke.

[Co-host Burt]

Okay, well, see, I think if we take. Because of the way it's getting complicated, because you know what Bert just said with the health and all that, you take that out of it. Just what if it was something else? Like, what if she wasn't allowed to wear high heels because that makes her look too sexy or whatever, you know, whatever the reason is, let's take. We'll eliminate the health from it. Then it just becomes a controlling issue. And I think we would all be telling her, look, you don't need to be a person regardless of your culture. You know, being respectful of your culture. You shouldn't be in a relationship where you're. Where you're controlled to that level if it makes you uncomfortable. And this clearly makes her uncomfortable. I think the reason she's torn and is because it's a smoking, the health attachment to it. She's like, well, you know what? He is looking out for my best interest. But the reality of it is it comes out to be just a controlling issue.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Tony, go ahead.

[Caller Jenny]

Hey, I just want to tell Jenny I'm Asian. And my husband tried to do the same thing to me. He told me to quit smoking because Asian females shouldn't smoke because of this and that. Girl, this is America. If you want to do it, you have to do it for yourself. You can't let a man tell you what to do. A lot of times they tell you it's your health reason. But the main thing is with what I have with my husband is he's like, well, it's just, you know, when we're hanging around, you know, you shouldn't smoke because it's disrespectful. And I understand where he's coming from. But I go, I have the same issue. You should do it when you're ready to do it for whatever reason, but not because someone told you you shouldn't do it because of cultural reasons.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

And either way, he's showing you that he wants to stay true to his culture. And I don't know what that says to you about men in your culture, but he's showing you that this is the way I want to live my life. I want to embrace those that. That culture. And if you can't do that, then maybe that's not a guy that you. You can be with. Does that make it any sense?

[Co-host Janice]

And, Jenny, you said you've been in the United States your whole life, right?

[Caller Jenny]

Yes. I mean, my family comes from the same culture. We all. We're both the same race and everything like that. But, you know, my family, I mean, because my family, we've been over here for a long time. I mean, and my family will. We have problems when we were younger. So, I mean, it's not that I don't show respect to my family, but it's just I smoke in front of my mother and this and that. And I mean, even though she doesn't like it, but, you know, what can she do, you know? But the thing is different when it comes to his family. He comes from a good family. And I mean, I have respect for elderly people, you know, but it's just, you know, I don't do it around his family. So he should respect that. I don't do that, you know?

[Co-host Janice]

Yeah, I think Bert's right. I think you're seeing a sign. I think you're seeing a vision of the. I mean, your relationship is not going to change after this issue is done. Like, he's showing you his personality, and you have to make the decision whether you want to stay with it.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

We show you guys all the time what we're really about. All the time. We show women, and I think vice versa also. I just think that we choose not to look at it, you know, I mean, he's given you a great example of what your future may look like here.

[Co-host Jen]

And he'd have a ton more credibility if he didn't. I mean, if it was just the smoking, you know what I'm saying? If he didn't smoke and it was just about the smoking issue and he gave her a list of reasons why not to smoke and one of those on there, that it was bad in their culture, I'd give him all the credit here and I'd tell her she needs to listen to him. But because he smokes, he loses all credibility and becomes a control issue.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Hey, Jenny, we and the Burt show listeners, we're not professionals here. We could just talk to you like, you know, we're your best friend.

[Co-host Janice]

Yeah.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

So take away with, you know, from this conversation what you want.

[Caller Jenny]

All right. Thank you.

[Host (The Birch Show)]

Bye bye.

[Co-host Burt]

Good luck. The Birch show.

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