Vault: How Do You Tell Your Man He Isn't Good In Bed

Summary

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The Bert Show – Vault: How Do You Tell Your Man He Isn't Good In Bed

Air Date: February 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and humorous episode, The Bert Show team tackles a listener’s delicate question: how do you tell your partner he isn't satisfying you in bed without hurting his ego? Regular hosts and listeners weigh in with personal stories, practical advice, and some memorable analogies, creating an open and supportive discussion about communication, sexual satisfaction, and confidence in relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Listener Dilemma (01:37 – 02:08)

• Colleen reads an email from a listener who enjoys her relationship but isn't sexually satisfied, since her boyfriend always finishes but she hasn’t been pleased.
  • She asks: "How do I tell him he needs to last longer without hurting his ego?"
• The hosts immediately acknowledge the sensitivity and awkwardness of the subject, noting that tact and deep acquaintance with a partner are needed.

Is Sexual Chemistry Trainable? (02:09 – 03:38)

• Derek questions if faking satisfaction has contributed to the issue:
  • "if you're faking it, you're not doing anybody anything...it's her fault...He thinks he's doing a good job, so why should he change?"
• Colleen asks whether people can truly change in bed, or if chemistry is just natural.
• Emily disagrees that bad sex is permanent, emphasizing communication and trying new things:
  • "I think there's always room for improvement...if you're in a good relationship and you can have that conversation about sex, it can get better." (03:47)
• Colleen draws a distinction between single and married partners regarding how easily these conversations can be initiated.

Caller Experiences & Strategies

Caller 1: Direct Instruction Works Best (04:38 – 07:02)

• A female caller shares that her wonderful boyfriend wasn’t pleasing her initially; as a mechanic, he "thought I was a carburetor or something."
  • She “gave him an instructional manual” in real time during sex, with positive reinforcement and specific direction:
    • "I just start giving him little tips, like, you know, move a little to the right...start off really good with, 'I really like this, this feels really good'...and then every once in a while, I'd throw in like, a little softer, like this." (05:55)
  • This worked and improved their sex life dramatically.

The Importance of Positive Reinforcement (07:10 – 07:43)

• Derek: "What will work for another woman though, is what she said about encouragement. I think being positive about it rather than being critical..."
• Other hosts agree that communicating needs and using positive phrasing is key.

Caller 2: Foreplay & Feedback (08:01 – 09:28)

• A male caller suggests focusing on foreplay:
  • "Try to push the foreplay more...The warmup is more important for women than it is for men."
• Highlights non-verbal communication—making noises, body shifts, moans—to give positive feedback during intimacy.

Humor in Guidance (08:41 – 08:49)

• Guest Commentator jokes: "Sometimes if you scream out Olay..."
  • Lightens the tone, showing humor is part of positive feedback.

Caller 3: Gentle Coaching (09:36 – 10:14)

• Another female caller suggests vocalizing when a partner is moving too fast, encouraging women to ask their partner to slow down.

The Role of Communication (10:00 – 10:41)

• The hosts summarize the consensus: open, real-time, and positive communication improves sex for both partners.
  • Emily: "I do agree that women have to say something about your own sexual life. If you are not satisfied, then you have to say something about it. And there is a way to say it..."

Products and "Advanced" Solutions (10:44 – 11:55)

• A caller shares a discreet suggestion: lubricants with numbing effects for longevity, which don’t insult the man.
• Emily brings up dual-enhancement products advertised on TV, suggesting these are for couples with deeper comfort levels.

Faking It Creates Barriers (12:14 – 12:25)

• The hosts agree that faking satisfaction ("stroking his ego") perpetuates the problem and makes honest conversations more difficult.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Derek (on faking it): "...if you're faking it, you're not doing anybody anything, then you're...it's her fault...He thinks he's doing a good job, so why should he change what he's doing?" (02:17)
• Emily (on improvement): "There's always room for improvement...if you're in a good relationship and you can have that conversation about sex, it can get better." (03:47)
• Female Caller 1 (on "instructing" her partner): "I just start giving him little tips... giving him encouragement... this is what I like. This is what I don't like." (05:55 – 06:33)
• Male Caller: "After a while, she actually just, like, sat me down and showed me how to do it." (09:15)
• Colleen: "So here, what we're really saying is you gotta have the guts to communicate with him in a subtle way." (10:00)
• Emily: "Too many times women just assume guys are gonna take care of them, and that's, you know, almost like their job...you have to say something about it." (10:16)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:37 – Opening question: Reader email on unsatisfying sex
• 02:11 – Are you faking? Is chemistry natural or trainable?
• 03:47 – "There's always room for improvement"
• 04:38 – Caller 1 shares her "instructive" approach
• 05:55 – How to give "the manual" in bed
• 07:10 – Positive encouragement vs. criticism
• 08:01 – Male caller explains importance of foreplay, feedback
• 09:36 – Caller advice: coaching your partner to slow down
• 10:00 – Summing up: Communication is the key
• 10:44 – Products and safe "advanced" interventions
• 12:14 – The danger of faking it and closing thoughts

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The Bert Show Takeaway

The episode reaffirms that great sex—just like any other aspect of a relationship—benefits from patient, positive, honest, and specific communication. Listeners and hosts agree: overcoming awkwardness and ego with real-time feedback, gentle humor, mutual enthusiasm, and open dialogue ensures satisfaction and deepens relationships. And above all, both partners are responsible for voicing their needs and helping each other improve.

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Transcript

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[Colleen]

I don't think we'll get too many calls on this, because to do this successfully, I would think would take the right touch and to know your man so well and how to tiptoe around this issue so sensitively that he can come out of the other side feeling good about it. Okay, she writes, I need some advice and thought y' all could help me out. Got a boyfriend? He thinks our sex life is wonderful, and it's wonderful for him because he satisfies himself every time. But he has yet to satisfy me. How do I tell him, basically, he needs to last longer without hurting his ego.

[Derek]

Ouch.

[Emily]

That's gonna be tough.

[Derek]

Well, I guess my question for her would be, have you been faking it?

[Colleen]

Because if you're faking it, you're not

[Derek]

doing anybody anything, then you're you know, it's not gonna last long once you stroke the ego. Okay, whatever. But if it's been consistent, then it's her fault. Then it's almost her fault. Because he thinks he's doing a good job, so why should he change what he's doing?

[Colleen]

So it doesn't necessarily have to be like a narrow, focused answer on how for him to last longer. But like if you, if your man was just not good in bed, he's strong in a lot of areas, but when he got to you, he was really bad and you changed him. And now he is like this amazing lover. You can't wait to make love to him. 404-741-Q100 where do you even start the conversation? Because with guys it's all about ego. We all think we're the best.

[Derek]

I don't even know if that's possible.

[Female Caller]

Like, I think you either have sexual chemistry or you don't. It's gotta be hard to change somebody. You just don't got it.

[Derek]

Maybe if he had like a move that he thought was a really good move, like somebody in his past told him it was a good move, but you don't think it's a good move.

[Colleen]

And it might have been for the other partner, she might have loved it.

[Financial Advisor]

Right, right.

[Derek]

Like that might be easier to talk about. Like one thing. Like, you know, maybe that worked for somebody else, but not for me.

[Guest Commentator]

That thing you do with your legs and you squeal like a little girl.

[Financial Advisor]

Not. That's not.

[Guest Commentator]

Doesn't turn me on. Thank you, though. That's good. You know, good effort. Good effort.

[Colleen]

Can't. Most people don't get better with like I'm, I mean, in most things, with proper instruction and practice.

[Derek]

Yes.

[Colleen]

So is sex one of those things or is it like either you're good at it or you're bad at it and you better find somebody that likes the crappy way you do it if you're doing it badly for others.

[Emily]

I think there's always room for improvement. I always do. I do. I mean, seriously, I think that when. Because I think the beauty of being with somebody, if you're in a good relationship and you can have that conversation about sex, that it can get better. Because if you get in a routine then you might get bored, then you try something else. So that's gonna happen over time. And I think that, Yeah, I don't, I, I think that it's very short sighted to think you get with if there's chemistry. Like Wendy said, if you're there's attraction there and there's mutual attraction. Then to get in there and. And go one or two times and it's not good, and say, well, we're done, because you can't. It's just not going to work. I think you're.

[Colleen]

I don't.

[Emily]

I don't know. I think that's an opportunity you're wasting.

[Colleen]

And let's just. Let's keep this just for singles, because I think once you're married, it's a different ball game.

[Derek]

So you can talk about it.

[Colleen]

I think you should be able to talk because. Yeah. I mean, should. Yeah, you should be able to. Stakes are a little different there. No one's going anywhere.

[Emily]

You hope.

[Colleen]

Yeah. Hypothetically.

[Emily]

I've been on the show long enough.

[Derek]

You hope.

[Colleen]

Hey, annie, you're on Q100.

[Female Caller]

Hi, guys.

[Colleen]

Hey.

[Female Caller]

Yeah, I have my boyfriend, who is a great boyfriend, but bless his heart, the first few times we were together, oh, my gosh. I mean, he's great in bed, but I don't know if I could say on the radio. But he never, you know, maybe climax.

[Financial Advisor]

Yeah.

[Female Caller]

So he would try, I guess. He's a mechanic, so, you know, he thinks I'm a carburetor or something. I don't know. Not the same.

[Emily]

Oh, no.

[Female Caller]

So, you know, the first time. First few times he was trying and I was like, you know, just kind of change, you know, change topic and kind of did something else. But, you know, we're together and I really like him and, you know, really want to be with him, but, you know, I can't keep doing this. So, you know, one time we were just in bed and, you know, I just did a pretty much instructional, you know, kind of video, like a mechanic, like a manual of me, and it really worked. And I.

[Financial Advisor]

What's your.

[Guest Commentator]

What's your first line, though?

[Derek]

Like, what.

[Guest Commentator]

When you guys are lying there in bed and you're like, okay, this is it. I'm going to give him the manual. What is your. What does page one say? What's your first line out of your mouth?

[Female Caller]

Well, we're in bed and I just start giving him little tips, like, you know, move a little to the right or. But I start off really good with, you know, I really like this and this feels really good. And, you know, giving him encouragement. And then every once in a while, I'd kind of throw in like, a little softer, like this or, you know,

[Colleen]

I don't know if I can say

[Female Caller]

on the radio, but, like, you know, touch me a little here or Whatever. So, you know, I gave him lots of encouragement and everything, but then really just did, like, an instruction of, this is what I like. This is what I don't like.

[Colleen]

So this is literally going on as it's happening. You are literally taking his hand and you are whispering to him. Everything he's doing, he should be doing.

[Female Caller]

Yes. And it worked like a dream because he was happy because then he knows how I am, and then, you know, he. You know, it's great. So I'm very excited.

[Emily]

Congratulations.

[Guest Commentator]

Would you be willing to give lessons to any other guys if they call up?

[Female Caller]

No. I love my boyfriend very much and

[Colleen]

want to be with him if it doesn't work out. You know, we've always got an 8:45 segment, 40 on the show.

[Emily]

The lesson is, though, that what works for her may not work for another woman.

[Derek]

I think what will work for another woman, though, is what she said about encouragement. I think being positive about it rather than being critical, you know?

[Emily]

And I think the other thing that

[Derek]

can work is working it out during. While it's happening.

[Colleen]

We want to. Please. It's just that you got to remember ego. I want to know everything. I just want to. I just don't want you to think that you are having a crappy time before. See, it's good now. I just wanted to get better.

[Female Caller]

Right?

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Colleen]

It's not that it was bad. It's really good, but I'm just looking for another level.

[Derek]

This is good, but maybe this would be really great. Exactly.

[Emily]

Maybe that's great advice for women. What Bert just said is like putting the two together. What Jenna Burke said is the fact that instead of it being about, okay, we're changing something. Just saying, you know what? How about we do this, and it will intensify even more as if it was intense before. Even though you're lying.

[Colleen]

Colleen, good morning. Here.

[Derek]

Hey.

[Male Caller]

Hey. It's actually Colin. I'm speaking on the mail end here.

[Colleen]

Okay.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Male Caller]

But if you're not getting to that point from just the intercourse, try more. Try to push the foreplay more. I mean, it's like when you go to a restaurant and you get a steak and mashed potatoes, you eat the

[Colleen]

steak first, but some dudes don't even know what to do with that.

[Male Caller]

Well, yeah, right.

[Derek]

But I think he has a good point. I mean, I think the warmup is more important for women than it is for men.

[Colleen]

Sure.

[Male Caller]

And then there's another thing. As a woman, if a guy is doing something right, make him note. You don't have to say It. But you can make noises, you can shift your body, you can, you know,

[Guest Commentator]

moan sometimes if you scream out. Olay.

[Emily]

Right.

[Male Caller]

That one works too. That one's worked for me a couple times anyway.

[Guest Commentator]

That would actually startle me.

[Colleen]

Have you ever had a woman actually try to guide you through that?

[Female Caller]

Huh?

[Male Caller]

Yes, actually, one of my ex girlfriends back when I first started. I was actually really, really bad in the boob area. But after a while, she actually just, like, sat me down and showed me how to do it.

[Derek]

She showed you on you?

[Male Caller]

No. Well, yes, on me. And, like, kind of like pushed my head around for a little bit. I was like, all right, that's fine. That's what you like. I mean, it worked out great. I know how to do it.

[Colleen]

Now you're going at it like a rabid beast, weren't you? She's like, yes. Slow down there. Slow down. Allie, you're on Q100.

[Female Caller]

Hey. I wanted to agree with the first caller a little bit about, you know, making sure you kind of tell him to slow down, because a lot of the times you can tell when he's getting too excited and when it's, you know, fixing to happen for him. So if you just kind of say, okay, slow down. You know, a lot of the times he realizes you need more time.

[Colleen]

I mean, so here, what we're really saying is you gotta have. You gotta have the guts to communicate with him in a subtle way.

[Female Caller]

Absolutely.

[Derek]

During.

[Colleen]

During. Yeah, it sounds like during. Like, yeah, this has to be. You have to be a player coach.

[Female Caller]

Absolutely. Yes.

[Colleen]

Thank you.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Guest Commentator]

And get in the game.

[Emily]

Yeah. And I think too many times women just assume guys are gonna take care of them, and that's, you know, almost like their job, and you just are there, and if they're not taking care of you, you judge them for it. And I do agree that women have to say something about your own sexual life. If you are not satisfied, then you have to say something about it. And there is a way to say it, but to not be a participant in it is. Yeah. I mean, you can't just say it and show it. Yeah. Don't just lay there.

[Derek]

Take charge.

[Colleen]

Hey, Kat, you're on Q100.

[Female Caller]

Hey. I just wanted to say there's. It's a very easy thing to do. A lot of couples use a lubricant. Well, PassionParties.com sells a lubricant that has a slight numbing effect where it doesn't take away feeling for a man, but it creates longevity, and that's an easy out. You know, a lot of people use the lubricant and can use that without insulting anybody.

[Colleen]

Gotcha. Thank you.

[Emily]

Yeah, there's another. I don't know it off the top of my head, but some commercial I thought was funny that there's some product out there that is supposed to affect a guy as well as a woman. And I don't know if you. It's like it's two separate products and when you. And when you put them together during that time, it's supposed to intensify it for both really. But I can't remember the name of the product, but it's a funny commercial, you know, so that may be something too because it's not just one thing you give to whoever, but each one gets their own little product.

[Derek]

That's an advanced level though. If you're. I mean you've been together.

[Colleen]

Master's program right there.

[Guest Commentator]

It's a 200 level course.

[Derek]

No, I'm just saying like if you been together a while, that's when you can introduce that kind of stuff, right?

[Colleen]

Yeah, I would do that on a first date.

[Financial Advisor]

You can't.

[Derek]

There, there does come until like you're comfortable saying something about that.

[Emily]

How we started the conversation though was I thought how to make your man improve in bed.

[Colleen]

Yeah. But it can't be like me and my friend Aaron had this conversation like how you can't. You can't show your freakiness really entirely on the first date or you'll scare him away.

[Derek]

Well, I never.

[Emily]

But the. The intention I didn't think was a first date scenario.

[Colleen]

No, no, no.

[Derek]

I was just saying that it was like a graduate level thing to do.

[Colleen]

And again, I think Jen brought up a really good point too that if you're faking it with your man is to stroke his ego and you're not getting what you want out of the whole deal. You've sort of created that convers that whole problem yourself.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Emily]

And then if you're never gonna see him again, then who cares? Who cares?

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