Vault: How To Give "The Talk" To You Kids

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: How To Give "The Talk" To Your Kids

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Bert (with Kristin, Erin, Valerie, Gail, and Callers)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show, titled “Vault: How To Give ‘The Talk’ To Your Kids,” looks at the challenge and awkwardness of discussing sex and sexual advice with children and young adults. Through a mix of personal stories, listener call-ins, and plenty of humor, the show explores who, besides parents, has given them "the talk"—with anecdotes ranging from grandmothers to little brothers to youth pastors. The cast and listeners also reflect on the appropriateness (or lack thereof) and the effectiveness of such advice.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Dread of “The Talk”

• Bert opens with the anxiety many parents have about giving kids "the talk."
  • He can't remember his own mother having it with him, highlighting how rare open discussions can be.
  • Asks, “Who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice?” (01:33)

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2. Most Inappropriate or Unexpected Sources of Sex Advice

• Listener and host stories demonstrate the surprising range of people who give sexual advice:

  • Grandmothers:

    • Valerie shares that her grandmother (age 62) always gave “stories and advice” that went way beyond her comfort zone, including details about sexual positions and toys.

      “She wouldn’t just give me advice. She would tell me stories… Like, both!” — Valerie (04:16-04:28)

    • Another grandmother told her granddaughter:

      “Always check it out first, because if it didn’t look right, it couldn’t possibly be right.” — Becky (09:27-09:38)

    • A classic refrain:

      “Keep your knees together.” — Erin’s grandmother (08:49-09:05)

  • Siblings:

    • Valerie's 16-year-old brother gave her detailed, unsolicited advice on her wedding day.

      “He was like, Valerie, we’ve always been close, but there’s just things that you need to know now... If you go downstairs, oh my God, try to breathe out your nose.” — Valerie (06:43-07:19)

  • Other Family Members:

    • A boyfriend's mother offered a sex toy the night before prom and demonstrated its use.

      “If he’s anything like his father, you’ll need this.” — Boyfriend’s mother to Valerie (11:36-12:18)

  • Religious Figures:

    • A nun gave abstinence advice to fourth graders and followed up with lessons on etiquette, which led to amused bewilderment from the cast.

      “...she follows up with etiquette for the dinner table. You shouldn’t clean your ears at the dinner table. I’m just looking at her like, are you serious?” — Valerie (07:51-08:10)

    • Youth pastor explicitly demonstrated condom use and gave oral sex advice to teenagers.

      “She sat down and started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths… you’re supposed to teach me how to pray, not to put on a condom and safe sex.” — Tracy (12:51-13:15)

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3. The Gender and Generational Divide

• Hosts and callers muse about differences in generational attitudes:
  • Joking about how sexual activity and openness is viewed by seniors.

    “There was a study… 60% of women over the age of 70 are still sexually active.” — Bert (05:08-05:27)

  • On offering $100 to call a grandmother and ask if she's sexually active:

    “Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she’s sexually active?” — Bert (11:03-11:08)
    “Yes. That’s rude.” — Gail (11:08-11:10)

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4. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cringe-Worthy Brotherly Advice:

  “There’s just things you need to know now...if you go downstairs, oh my God, try to breathe out your nose.” — Valerie about her younger brother (06:43-07:19)

• Grandma’s Wisdom:

  “Men are after nothing but the cat.” — Valerie’s grandmother (10:23-10:33)

• Host Observations:

  “Most calls are about grandparents, I gotta tell you guys.” — Bert (08:17-08:22)

• Church Sex Ed:

  “They told us in detail about safe sex and about how to be better at it...showed us how. Right there, we were eating pizza and showed us how to do it...” — Tracy (13:34-13:49)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Story | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:33 | Bert introduces theme: “Most inappropriate sex advice” | | 02:52 | Erin’s story: conservative in-laws and church sex class | | 04:13 | Valerie’s grandmother’s unique approach | | 06:10 | Valerie’s little brother (age 16) gives explicit advice | | 07:36 | Listener had sex talk from nun in fourth grade | | 08:23 | Listener’s grandmother gives advice in front of boyfriend | | 09:27 | “Check it out first” — another grandma’s advice | | 10:23 | “Men are after nothing but the cat” | | 11:26 | Boyfriend’s mother gives sex toy tutorial before prom | | 12:49 | Youth pastor’s sex ed and demonstration |

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Tone & Style

True to The Bert Show’s brand, the tone is conversational, irreverent, and open. The cast and callers share embarrassing moments with laughter, incredulity, and a sense of “we’ve all been there”—making the sensitive topic approachable and even heartwarming in its awkwardness.

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Conclusion

This episode turns the anxiety surrounding “the talk” upside down, showing that advice about sex can come from the most unexpected places—and is often far less helpful (and much weirder) than anticipated. Highlights include wild stories of family oversharing, inappropriate church sex-ed, and the unfiltered wisdom of grandmothers everywhere.
For listeners contemplating how to handle the conversation with their own kids, this collection of tales suggests that honesty—and perhaps a little restraint—goes a long way.

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Transcript

[Erin]

Okay, only 10 more presents to wrap. You're almost at the finish line. But first.

[Valerie]

There, the last one.

[Erin]

Enjoy a Coca Cola for a pause that refreshes.

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[Zoe]

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[Valerie]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

[Zoe]

He's talking to you, britches.

[Drewski]

I'm not.

[Mrs. Claus's Sister]

Of course he did.

[Drewski]

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[Zoe]

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[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hey, the Birch Show. All right, so I'm looking at the AJC this morning, and they have an article on how to give advice to your children when it comes to sex. Now this is a. I got some.

[Erin]

That is wrong.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

That is wrong, Gail.

[Caller or Guest]

So wrong. It's right.

[Erin]

Bert is so genuinely tickled by that.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

I just think that's so funny. I don't know why. Anywho, this is so not a conversation I'm looking forward to eventually having with Hayden. Like, I can't even remember my mom actually sitting me down and having the talks about the, you know, quote, the birds and the bees and all. But I'm wondering if you're listening. Like, who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice at all? Because usually this is supposed to come from the parents, right? But more often than not, you find out from somebody else. Or it could be even when you're older and you already know what sex is all about, but somebody still feels the need to give you sexual advice. When was it the Most awkward. And who was the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice?

[Caller or Guest]

I was just thinking, like what? Like, you know, grandma gets a couple drinks in her at the wedding reception. Let me tell you something, sweetheart.

[Erin]

I was gonna tell you about. A friend of mine from this weekend was on, went to a wedding this weekend and met up with a bunch of girlfriend, a group of girls that I've known since childhood. And one of the girls is getting married coming up in May to a very nice young man whose parents and entire family are very straight laced and very religious. Very religious. So to the point where if they go spend the weekend at the beach house, they cannot be there unchaperoned. And he's 28, 29 years old, and she's like 25 or 26. Because what would people think if they stayed at our beach house? You know? So, I mean, we are talking straight and narrow parents and straight and narrow entire family. So she was telling me that when she got engaged, she was all excited and she saw her soon to be husband's sister. So this is soon to be her sister in law who was so excited to talk to her because she gives sex advice at her church. And she knew that, you know, that Emily would really, you know, would really benefit. Benefit from the sex advice on her first night after they got married.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

From the sister in law.

[Erin]

From his sister.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Yeah.

[Erin]

She like very excited to take her to this, this church class where she teaches sex classes.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Good morning, Erin.

[Valerie]

Hi, Bert.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hey. The most inappropriate or awkward person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice?

[Valerie]

My grandmother.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Oh, God. When did it happen?

[Valerie]

And she wouldn't just give me advice, she would tell me stories.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Oh, no.

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

That pertained to her?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Like recent stories when she was your grandma or younger stories when she was a younger woman?

[Valerie]

Like both.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

No.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Okay.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Because grandmothers can vary in age. How old is she?

[Valerie]

She is 62.

[Caller or Guest]

Just the fact that you call her grandma, I think that.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Yeah, well, there's some younger grandmothers.

[Erin]

That's young.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Yeah, 62 is okay, but once we hit like 70, I think, then you're starting to talk about a completely different animal.

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

What kind of sexual advice was she giving you?

[Valerie]

Just like positions and toys and stuff like that. And that's just something I don't want to hear from her.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Is your grandmother that chick on Oxygen?

[Valerie]

I wish. That would be cool. That would be cool.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

But no, I was just reading. In fact, I brought this in today that there was a study that was just done. Let's see If I can find this here real quick. Aaron, that said that I think it's 60% of women over the age of 70 are still sexually active.

[Valerie]

Hey, if she is, more power to her. But do I need to know, right?

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

You'd rather not know about it, I hope. That they are still sexually active.

[Valerie]

Oh, I know she is. She's all, you know, gung ho about that kind of thing. She rides Harleys and everything, and she's funny as hell. But I just, you know, it's like, I don't need your advice, right?

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Because if I lived to be 60, I'm still going to be doing it.

[Valerie]

Why not? Right?

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Yeah.

[Valerie]

Hello.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

I'm done.

[Erin]

Maybe you might not have a choice whether you're done or not.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Right. Well, there's that little blue pill now, right? All right, Aaron, thank you very much.

[Valerie]

Thank you.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Bye.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Bye, Grandma.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Valerie, the most inappropriate person that has ever given you sexual advice.

[Valerie]

My little baby brother, who is eight and a half years younger than I am.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Oh, how old is he?

[Valerie]

Yeah, well, I'm 30 now, so he's what, 22? Okay, I'll be 22 this month, but. And I'm sure he's 16.

[Erin]

Oh.

[Valerie]

And I was getting married.

[Erin]

What did he say to you?

[Valerie]

He told me the day that I got married exactly what guys like for women to do. And I was like, no, thanks.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Oh, my God.

[Valerie]

He was 16?

[Erin]

Oh, gross.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Did he sit you down, like, all serious, like. Like, this is something that you and I.

[Valerie]

He was like, valerie, we've always been close, but they're just things that you need to know now. And I was like, excuse, please. And he said, now, when you get married, this is what you need to do for. I was like, oh, how do you know? You shouldn't know these things yet.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

16.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

My brother and I have never talked about, like, details. I mean, that's just like, brother and sister shouldn't have those conversations.

[Caller or Guest]

I think it's weird that the guy's 16 and he's given his sisters getting married at 24.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Was he getting all detailed about it and stuff?

[Valerie]

What? He was like, if you go downstairs, oh, my God. Try to breathe out your nose.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Oh, no way.

[Caller or Guest]

I would say, yes. That's detailed.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Yeah, that's pretty detailed.

[Erin]

That's mechanical.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Rosa, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Valerie]

Hey, when I was in the fourth grade, they corralled all the girls and all the guys in the separate rooms, and they sent in very sister Mary Michael to tell us about sex.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Fourth grade? No way. And what advice is she giving you.

[Valerie]

Not to do it? Obviously, you shouldn't do it. Abstinence is the best way. But, I mean, coming from a nun. You're in the fourth grade, right? The next day, she follows up with etiquette for the dinner table. You shouldn't clean your ears at the dinner table. I'm just looking at her like, are you serious?

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Just yesterday, this nun was giving me sex advice, and today she's telling me I shouldn't clean my ears at the dinner table. All right, thank you.

[Valerie]

You're welcome. Bye.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Most calls are about grandparents. I gotta tell you guys. Good morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Valerie]

Good morning.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hi, Eisha. Hi.

[Valerie]

My story was very uncomfortable. I was 14 years old, I had a new boyfriend, and I brought him over to meet my grandmother, who's the sweetest thing in the whole world. So we're sitting there, and she just loves him. And she's all of a sudden like, well, Aisha, now don't do. Do our favors with your body.

[Caller or Guest]

In front of him.

[Valerie]

At 14, I was like, okay.

[Caller or Guest]

Was she saying this in front of your boyfriend?

[Valerie]

Yes.

[Erin]

That is so funny. They just don't care. My grandmother used to always say, keep your knees together.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Keep your knees together.

[Erin]

Keep your knees together.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Was that sexual advice?

[Erin]

Oh, yeah, that was don't do it.

[Caller or Guest]

Or were you just bowlegged?

[Erin]

No, that was sexual advice. Just, you know, her telling you not to do it.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Keep your knees together.

[Erin]

Keep your knees together.

[Caller or Guest]

Did she just shout it out randomly.

[Erin]

Or was it, oh, anytime I would ever tell her about a boyfriend or tell a story or whatever, that was always her response.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Keep your knees together at the dinner table while she was cleaning her ears.

[Erin]

Yeah, it didn't matter.

[Valerie]

Hold on, baby.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

She ever say this to you?

[Caller or Guest]

Oh, God.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hey, Becky.

[Valerie]

Hey.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hi.

[Valerie]

My grandmother told me to always check it out first because if it didn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right. Then I need to leave it alone.

[Erin]

Check it out first.

[Caller or Guest]

I don't know if I understand.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

I don't get that. Yeah. Can you break that down for us?

[Valerie]

You need to look at it. Okay. Basically, look at the man first, look at his business first, and if it didn't look right, it couldn't possibly be right. So leave it alone.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

She's just saying, leave that whole thing alone. Just complicated things.

[Valerie]

She said that applies to everything in life, but you really need to really apply it to men in particular.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

All right, thank you. We're all looking at each other. Like, what?

[Erin]

I think that would keep you away from pretty much all men. Because that just doesn't look right.

[Caller or Guest]

And then they, then they put grandma in a home because she was crazy.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Hey Michelle.

[Valerie]

Hey. How you guys doing this morning?

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Good, thanks.

[Valerie]

I have another grandparents story my grandmother told me when I was about 9 or 10. But men are after nothing but the cat.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Say that again.

[Valerie]

They are after nothing but the cat.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Men are after nothing but the cat, if you know what I'm saying. This was your grandmother?

[Valerie]

Yes, grandma.

[Caller or Guest]

But you can't tell that to a 10 year old because then what happens is a guy comes over to the house and you actually hide your cat.

[Erin]

Lock your cat in the bathroom. All right.

[Caller or Guest]

Hey, there's a man coming. Put goo goo in the closet.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Here's this survey I was telling about by National Council on Aging finds that almost half of US senior citizens age 60 and older are, are sexually active.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Good.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

6 doesn't seem that bad to me.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

I don't see. I don't think that's disturbing.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she's sexually active?

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Yes. That's rude.

[Caller or Guest]

I think it would be inappropriate. But I also think it signifies you need some assistance. I mean if that's what you want to do. I mean there's a website for that I'm sure.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Yeah, that's kind of rude.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

I'm okay with rude. Save that. Morning all the hits. Q100.

[Valerie]

Hey.

[Erin]

Hello.

[Valerie]

How are ya? Mine is not a grandmother story. Mine is my boyfriend's mother.

[Erin]

Oh no.

[Valerie]

She thought we were close because me and her son were dating for two years. So the night before the prom we had dinner at their house and she brought me upstairs to her room and said if she's any, if he's anything like his father, you'll need this. And she whipped out a personal pleasure tool.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

Oh my.

[Valerie]

Are you kidding me? Oh no. And then she proceeded to show me how it works using like a cup. And it was the most scary and traumatic experience ever.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

And you just said this is before prom. How old were you?

[Valerie]

This was the day before prom, So I was 17. Oh my God.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Are you kidding?

[Valerie]

I am so not kidding. Don't have nightmares.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

If he's anything like his father, you'll need this.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

You're gonna need this.

[Valerie]

Uh huh.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Oh dang.

[Co-host (possibly Gail)]

She needs to be talking to him instead of her.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Yeah, I think game pretty much over there. Thank you.

[Valerie]

But the thing was though, he was like his father, so.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

So you did need to use the advice.

[Valerie]

Probably, yeah. Good advice.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Thank you.

[Erin]

No way.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Hi, Tracy. Yeah, I'm guessing you're gonna be the last call on this.

[Valerie]

After me. No one can stop me.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

I hear that.

[Valerie]

Well, it was me and about three or four of my friends with our youth pastor. One weekend, bowling or out to dinner or something. And she sat down and started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths. And how when you go down on a man, you shouldn't let him choke you because you might throw up on him. It was just so gross. And I'm like, you're my youth pastor. You're supposed to teach me how to pray, not to put on a condom and say sex.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

That's the youth pastor.

[Valerie]

That's the youth pastor. And then I found out later from my boyfriend that they separated the men and the women, that her husband told even more detailed descriptions to the men.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

So they were like. They decided that this is the thing that they were gonna do, even though the church was against it, that they were gonna pull the kids aside and tell them about all this stuff.

[Valerie]

They told us in detail about safe sex and about how to be better at it.

[Erin]

The safe sex part, I almost understand that.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

The technique.

[Erin]

Yeah, the mechanical technique. You know, the angles that you need to have.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Erin]

They're a little much.

[Valerie]

They were enjoying the job and showed us how. Right there, we were eating pizza and showed us how to do it. I was like, wow.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

All right, Tracy, thanks.

[Valerie]

Have a good day.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

Bye.

[Valerie]

Bye.

[Host (possibly Bert)]

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Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.

[Drewski]

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[Valerie]

Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?

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He's talking to you britches.

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I'm not.

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Of course he did.

[Drewski]

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