Podcast Summary: The Bert Show

Episode: Vault: How To Give "The Talk" To Your Kids

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Bert (with Kristin, Erin, Valerie, Gail, and Callers)

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show, titled “Vault: How To Give ‘The Talk’ To Your Kids,” looks at the challenge and awkwardness of discussing sex and sexual advice with children and young adults. Through a mix of personal stories, listener call-ins, and plenty of humor, the show explores who, besides parents, has given them "the talk"—with anecdotes ranging from grandmothers to little brothers to youth pastors. The cast and listeners also reflect on the appropriateness (or lack thereof) and the effectiveness of such advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Dread of “The Talk”

• Bert opens with the anxiety many parents have about giving kids "the talk."
  • He can't remember his own mother having it with him, highlighting how rare open discussions can be.
  • Asks, “Who is the most inappropriate person that has ever given you any kind of sexual advice?” (01:33)

2. Most Inappropriate or Unexpected Sources of Sex Advice

• Listener and host stories demonstrate the surprising range of people who give sexual advice:

  • Grandmothers:

    • Valerie shares that her grandmother (age 62) always gave “stories and advice” that went way beyond her comfort zone, including details about sexual positions and toys.

      “She wouldn’t just give me advice. She would tell me stories… Like, both!” — Valerie (04:16-04:28)

    • Another grandmother told her granddaughter:

      “Always check it out first, because if it didn’t look right, it couldn’t possibly be right.” — Becky (09:27-09:38)

    • A classic refrain:

      “Keep your knees together.” — Erin’s grandmother (08:49-09:05)

  • Siblings:

    • Valerie's 16-year-old brother gave her detailed, unsolicited advice on her wedding day.

      “He was like, Valerie, we’ve always been close, but there’s just things that you need to know now... If you go downstairs, oh my God, try to breathe out your nose.” — Valerie (06:43-07:19)

  • Other Family Members:

    • A boyfriend's mother offered a sex toy the night before prom and demonstrated its use.

      “If he’s anything like his father, you’ll need this.” — Boyfriend’s mother to Valerie (11:36-12:18)

  • Religious Figures:

    • A nun gave abstinence advice to fourth graders and followed up with lessons on etiquette, which led to amused bewilderment from the cast.

      “...she follows up with etiquette for the dinner table. You shouldn’t clean your ears at the dinner table. I’m just looking at her like, are you serious?” — Valerie (07:51-08:10)

    • Youth pastor explicitly demonstrated condom use and gave oral sex advice to teenagers.

      “She sat down and started telling us how to put on a condom with our mouths… you’re supposed to teach me how to pray, not to put on a condom and safe sex.” — Tracy (12:51-13:15)

3. The Gender and Generational Divide

• Hosts and callers muse about differences in generational attitudes:
  • Joking about how sexual activity and openness is viewed by seniors.

    “There was a study… 60% of women over the age of 70 are still sexually active.” — Bert (05:08-05:27)

  • On offering $100 to call a grandmother and ask if she's sexually active:

    “Would it be inappropriate for me to offer a hundred dollars to somebody that wants to call their grandmother on the air to see if she’s sexually active?” — Bert (11:03-11:08)
    “Yes. That’s rude.” — Gail (11:08-11:10)

4. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Cringe-Worthy Brotherly Advice:

  “There’s just things you need to know now...if you go downstairs, oh my God, try to breathe out your nose.” — Valerie about her younger brother (06:43-07:19)

• Grandma’s Wisdom:

  “Men are after nothing but the cat.” — Valerie’s grandmother (10:23-10:33)

• Host Observations:

  “Most calls are about grandparents, I gotta tell you guys.” — Bert (08:17-08:22)

• Church Sex Ed:

  “They told us in detail about safe sex and about how to be better at it...showed us how. Right there, we were eating pizza and showed us how to do it...” — Tracy (13:34-13:49)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Story | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:33 | Bert introduces theme: “Most inappropriate sex advice” | | 02:52 | Erin’s story: conservative in-laws and church sex class | | 04:13 | Valerie’s grandmother’s unique approach | | 06:10 | Valerie’s little brother (age 16) gives explicit advice | | 07:36 | Listener had sex talk from nun in fourth grade | | 08:23 | Listener’s grandmother gives advice in front of boyfriend | | 09:27 | “Check it out first” — another grandma’s advice | | 10:23 | “Men are after nothing but the cat” | | 11:26 | Boyfriend’s mother gives sex toy tutorial before prom | | 12:49 | Youth pastor’s sex ed and demonstration |

Tone & Style

True to The Bert Show’s brand, the tone is conversational, irreverent, and open. The cast and callers share embarrassing moments with laughter, incredulity, and a sense of “we’ve all been there”—making the sensitive topic approachable and even heartwarming in its awkwardness.

Conclusion

This episode turns the anxiety surrounding “the talk” upside down, showing that advice about sex can come from the most unexpected places—and is often far less helpful (and much weirder) than anticipated. Highlights include wild stories of family oversharing, inappropriate church sex-ed, and the unfiltered wisdom of grandmothers everywhere.
For listeners contemplating how to handle the conversation with their own kids, this collection of tales suggests that honesty—and perhaps a little restraint—goes a long way.