Episode Overview

Podcast: The Bert Show
Episode Title: Vault: If Your Marriage Is Sex Starved, This Message Is For You
Guest: Michelle Weiner Davis (author of Sex-Starved Marriage and Sex-Starved Wife)
Date: February 6, 2026

This episode addresses the struggles of sex-starved marriages—relationships with very low sexual frequency (typically defined as less than 12 times per year). The hosts and guest Michelle Weiner Davis explore the causes, implications, and solutions for couples facing mismatched levels of sexual desire. Real-life listeners call in to share their experiences, making for a candid, empathetic, and advice-driven conversation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Sex-Starved Marriages and Prevalence

• Definition: Sex-starved marriages: couples having sex fewer than 12 times a year—“about once every six weeks.” (00:00–00:16)
• Prevalence: 1 in 5 marriages fall under this category, affecting a wide demographic—not just parents with young kids. (00:16–01:02)
• Insight: “Low sexual desire in either spouse can hit a marriage at any point in their life... it does not matter whether you have children or not.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (01:02)

2. Underlying Causes Beyond Parenthood

• Surprise Factor: Even young couples and empty nesters experience lulls in their sex lives.
• Children’s Impact: Children, especially infants and toddlers, understandably reduce privacy and energy. Hormonal changes postpartum are a factor, but not the sole explanation. (01:02–02:43)
  • Quote: “In the words of a famous philosopher, Rosanna Dana, there's always something.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (02:24)

3. Scheduling Sex: Killing Spontaneity, or Saving Intimacy?

• Scheduling sex often feels unromantic but may be necessary when life is busy or privacy is elusive.
• Advice: Reframe scheduled sex as “planned spontaneity” to nurture connection and creativity within constraints.
  • “You can be creative, you can try new things... if you're going to sit around and mourn the fact that it's over, you're going to lose a lot of opportunities to really connect physically.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (02:56–03:37)

Memorable Caller Segments

Caller 1: Sarah – The Low-Desire Partner (03:46–07:47)

• Issue: Husband wants sex daily; wife has never really been interested. Frequency is about once every 2–3 months, out of obligation.
  • “I'm thinking, please hurry up.” — Sarah (05:05)
• Davis’s Guidance:
  • First, get to know your own body and desires to coach your partner.
  • Sometimes low desire stems from lack of communication or past emotional issues, including potential sexual trauma.
  • For some, arousal only comes after initiating sex: adopt the “Just do it” Nike philosophy.
  • Warning: “If you do... linger before your husband decides that he's going to have an affair... you need to get some help so that your sexual relationship becomes better. It's very important.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (07:37)

Caller 2: Carrie – The Sex-Starved Wife (07:47–11:57)

• Issue: Older wife, younger husband; he shows no interest in sex—never consummated marriage, despite 4 years together and a 4-year-old child.
  • “He's a stay-home dad. Luckily I do well enough that I support us.” — Carrie (11:18)
  • Her mother also helps raise the child, yet intimacy is absent.
• Advice:
  • Direct approach: “You gotta get tough with this guy and you need to tell him that either he has to go to a doctor or to a therapist with you or you're out the door.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (10:38)
  • Observes that women are often unfairly blamed, when sometimes husbands are the lower-desire partners.
  • “Treat him like he's your equal and start giving him some expectations that if he doesn't fulfill, he's out the door.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (11:40)

Caller 3: Pam – Ready to Leave (12:49–18:01)

• Issue: Young married couple, no kids, sexless marriage (once a month, always initiated by wife). She feels unattractive and rejected; he's unresponsive, avoids help, expresses no desire.
  • “I'm so tired of initiating it and being turned down that... I'm ready to resolve the relationship.” — Pam (12:54)
• Advice:
  • Direct her to Sex-Starved Wife and Sex-Starved Marriage, and the website divorcebusting.com for support.
  • Emphasizes communicating the emotional impact, not just sexual frustration.
    • “When we're not close physically, it makes me feel like you don't want me or you don't love me... I feel like I'm not important to you.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (15:03)
  • Action steps: If talking fails, change your routine; become less dependable and predictable to subtly shift the marital dynamic, making your absence felt.
    • “You have to stop talking and you have to take action... When women get through to men through action rather than words, men start to wonder, 'What is she feeling? What is she thinking? I better start paying attention to her.'” — Michelle Weiner Davis (17:45)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There's always something. In order for marriage to keep passion alive, couples... have to take sex off the back burner and really make it a priority.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (01:02)
• “Planned spontaneity... What you do within that time frame is totally up to you. You can be creative, you can try new things.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (02:56)
• “Feels great. And so, for those women, I really suggest that they adopt the Nike philosophy and just do it.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (06:36)
• “There are millions and millions of relationships out there where the husband simply doesn't want sex.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (08:23)
• “If you don't fulfill [expectations], he's out the door.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (11:40)
• “You're not just losing sex with your partner — you're losing intimacy. You're losing all of those feelings that go along with just not being a ringmate.” — Pam (16:01)
• “When women get through to men through action rather than words, men start to wonder... and that's when they start changing their behavior.” — Michelle Weiner Davis (17:45)

Key Takeaways

• Sexual disequilibrium is incredibly common and not always gendered. Both men and women can be the partner with less desire.
• Child-rearing, life changes, and routines can all negatively impact desire, but they're not the only culprits.
• Proactive communication and self-knowledge are crucial. Understanding your body and needs—and expressing them—is an important step.
• If verbal communication fails, behavioral change may be necessary. Alter routines and expectations to create awareness and initiate change.
• Professional help is advisable if emotional or psychological issues may be involved.

Important Timestamps

• 00:00–01:02: Defining sex-starved marriages, prevalence and blunt statistics.
• 01:02–02:43: Children vs. other causes; “There's always something.”
• 02:43–03:37: Scheduling sex and reframing the loss of spontaneity.
• 03:46–07:47: Caller Sarah: tackling lifelong low desire.
• 07:47–11:57: Caller Carrie: husband uninterested, advice to toughen stance.
• 12:49–18:01: Caller Pam: repeated rejection, communication breakdown, importance of changing patterns.
• 17:45: Action over words: “When women get through to men through action rather than words…”

Final Thoughts

Michelle Weiner Davis emphasizes compassionate realism and practical strategies for reigniting intimacy in marriages suffering from sexual disconnect. The episode blends candid listener stories, expert insight, and tangible advice, underlining the importance of both communication and willingness to seek professional help. The tone is supportive, frank, and just enough fun to keep the mood approachable despite the seriousness of the topic.

Resources Mentioned:

• Sex-Starved Marriage and Sex-Starved Wife by Michelle Weiner Davis
• divorcebusting.com (for advice, coaching, and further resources)