Vault: Is She Weird For Doing This Behind Her Boyfriend's Back?

Summary

---

The Bert Show - Vault: Is She Weird For Doing This Behind Her Boyfriend's Back?

Date: January 9, 2026
Host: Burt (with Raj, Noah, and callers)
Duration: ~16 mins (content section)

---

Episode Overview

This episode dives into the controversial topic of relationship privacy—specifically, women secretly checking their partners’ voicemails, emails, and messages. The hosts and listeners discuss motivations behind this behavior, share personal stories (often wild and frank), and debate whether this kind of “snooping” is ever justified or just toxic. The tone is candid, playful, but occasionally serious as issues of trust, past infidelity, and self-respect come up.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reader Email Kicks Things Off: Secretly Checking Messages

• Burt reads an email from a listener who checks her boyfriend’s cell phone messages multiple times a day, admitting she knows it's wrong ("I do it faithfully at least five times a day… I know that it's an invasion of privacy, but I don't care. I do trust him... I'm just nosy." [01:48]).
• The listener erases voicemails she deems unimportant, sometimes creates fake stories to trap her boyfriend, and is seemingly more motivated by curiosity than actual suspicion.

Memorable Quote

"I know that it's an invasion of privacy, but I don't care. I do trust him... I'm just nosy."
— Email from listener, read by Burt [01:51]

2. Callers Share Their Confessions & Justifications

• Caller 1 hacked her boyfriend’s work, home, and Yahoo emails: "I have created a file on him with all his email. Sometimes I retract mail he sends to users I think he should not communicate with enough. I know I’m crazy... but I check it more than my own. I want to tell him, but can’t." [04:14]
• The adrenaline or “rush” from snooping becomes addictive.
• Some confess to controlling or even forwarding incriminating evidence to their partners and the people communicated with.

Memorable Quotes

“Oh, honey. I have created a file on him… Sometimes I retract mail he sends to users I think he should not communicate with enough. I know I’m crazy… I get a rush off checking his email…”
— Caller [04:15]

3. Issues of Trust and Personal Boundaries

• Hosts question if distrust stems from previous relationships.
• Burt: "Even when we don't give you any reason to distrust us at all, you're still making up stuff in your heads to distrust us." [03:29]
• Another caller (“Brittany”) explains that her partner cheated, leading to her snooping: “Him screwing around [came first]... I just happened to get a call from a friend... and he came walking out with a girl.” [05:27]
• Sometimes these discoveries lead to the end of relationships, but often, women stay and continue the surveillance.

Memorable Quote

“At that time, if he screwed around, then why not just get out of the relationship rather than checking his email and his cell and all that?”
— Burt [05:50]

4. Addiction to Snooping as a Cycle

• Hosts and callers discuss how easy it is to fall into obsessive patterns:
• Caller (“Peaches”): Would check her boyfriend’s voicemail, change his passcode, and confront other women he was seeing: “And he never knew how I found out about these women and who he was fooling around with.” [06:58-07:45]
• Despite repeated deception and evidence, Peaches intends to marry him, believing “people can change.” [09:20]

Memorable Quote

“You are getting into a relationship now where, you know you can’t trust your man. You cannot trust this guy. You do not have trust, but you’re gonna marry him anyway.”
— Burt to Peaches [09:11]

5. Emotional Toll and Relationship Dynamics

• The show highlights how constant snooping is exhausting and unsustainable.
• Discussion of self-confidence and why women (and men) stay:
  • “I think for some women, it is a matter of control in which they're not getting communication they want... But if you're at the point where you're breaking into someone's voicemail or email... it's not worth it.” [06:26]
  • The “soap opera” and “game” mentality is called out as immature and ultimately self-destructive.

Memorable Quote

“It just sounds so immature that I can't believe we're talking to grown women in grown adult relationships doing this.”
— Caller/Host [10:36]

6. Can People Change? Should the Past Matter?

• A married listener details how her husband lied about prior infidelity, fueling her suspicions: “About eight months ago, he told me he had cheated on his first wife and his second wife numerous times.” [11:41]
• She admits to spreadsheeting his phone activity and sending warning emails to women from his past.
• The hosts debate: Should one’s history of cheating preclude trust? Is it ever worth marrying someone with that record?

Memorable Quote

"What makes me so different? Why is this situation so different? And how has he changed so much?"
— Caller [12:39]

• Stephanie (final caller): “I absolutely trust [my fiancé] in every way. I don’t even think I could imagine marrying somebody if they cheated on me. And then I'd have to live the rest of my life wondering if... oh, it just completely disgusts me that women don't have enough self-confidence in themselves to just say, you know, is it really worth it?” [14:01]

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "I do it faithfully at least five times a day... I know that it's an invasion of privacy, but I don't care." — Listener email [01:51]
• "Oh, honey. I have created a file on him with all his email... I get a rush off checking his email." — Caller [04:15]
• "Even when we don’t give you any reason to distrust us at all, you’re still making up stuff in your heads to distrust us." — Burt [03:29]
• “You're gonna marry this dude?” — Burt [09:01]
• "You are getting into a relationship now where, you know you can’t trust your man... but you’re gonna marry him anyway." — Burt [09:11]
• “What makes me so different? Why is this situation so different? And how has he changed so much?" — Caller [12:39]
• “I think you’re one in a million, Bert. I don’t think all men are that way.” — Caller to Burt [13:39]
• "Is it really worth it?" — Stephanie [14:01]

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:48 – Burt reads the original listener email about habitually checking her boyfriend’s voicemails.
• 03:29 – Discussion on whether distrust is inherited from past relationships.
• 04:14 – Caller admits to hacking and archiving boyfriend’s emails.
• 05:27 – Caller explains she started snooping after her boyfriend cheated.
• 07:45 – “Peaches” describes how she monitored her boyfriend’s phone and messaged other women.
• 09:11 – Heated debate: Peaches still plans to marry the untrustworthy boyfriend.
• 11:41 – Married caller describes spreadsheeting phone records and history of infidelity.
• 14:01 – Stephanie’s call—she trusts her partner completely and can’t relate to the snooping.

---

Flow & Tone

The hosts keep things lively and humorous but don’t shy away from pointing out the serious problems in toxic relationships. There’s a blend of empathy (“some women are traumatized from past relationships”) and tough love (“if you don’t trust him, why stay?”). Callers are frank, and sometimes raw, about their insecurities and mistakes.

---

Takeaway

The episode offers a no-holds-barred view into the cycle of suspicion in relationships, asking: Is constant surveillance a sign to leave instead of dig further? The consistent answer from both hosts and healthy-relationship callers: If you need to snoop, something’s wrong—and it’s exhausting to live that way. Trust (or the lack of it) is the true make-or-break issue.

---

Transcript

[Raj]

Hey, it's Raj and Noah, and we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong? The show that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

[Noah]

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

[Raj]

But who isn't? That's why each week we're talking about the topics that we could all use a little helping hit with. Whether it's making new friends as an adult, managing our emotions, or even dreaming.

[Noah]

We'Ll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right, so the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us.

[Raj]

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong? Dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Noah]

And for the first time ever, we're going to have full video episodes on YouTube. Because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're going to be right here to help you do them better.

[Burt]

Love y'. All.

[Advertisement Voice]

I feel like this time of year everybody wants to feel like their best self if weight loss is one of your goals in 2026 and you're ready to make progress, then you might want to check out weight loss by hers. Through hers, you're connected with a licensed medical provider who actually looks at your goals and decides if treatment is right for you. And if it is, your plan is personalized, whether that's oral medication kits or GLP1 injectables, plus ongoing care, adjustments and support along the way. I mean, it goes beyond medication. There's nutrition tips, lifestyle guidance and tools to track things like movement, hydration and sleep. Everything's 100 online. There's no hidden fees and options. Start at just 69amonth with a 10 month plan paid up front. Feel like your best self again? Visit borders.comb to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you you. That's F O r h r s.com Bert for hers.com Bert Alice by hers is not available everywhere. Compounded drug products are not approved or evaluated for safety, effectiveness or quality by the fda. Prescriptions required. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions. Actual price depends on product and plan purchased.

[Burt]

The Birch Show I think what we're looking for here is for women to call us up. Look, you know what you're doing is wrong. You know that you're invading your man's privacy, but you're doing it anyway. And you feel. You know it's crazy, but you're doing It. Anyway. All right, here's where we start. I just wanted to know if there's anyone else besides me who checks her boyfriend's messages on his cell phone and he doesn't know it. I do it faithfully at least five times a day, maybe more if I'm bored, just to see who and what is calling him. I know that it's an invasion of privacy, but I don't care. I do trust him. Listen to this. I do trust him. Right? But I am a firm believer that it's not what you say, but what you don't. And he has not said or done anything in the past or present for me to believe. Otherwise, I'm just nosy. La la la la la. P.S. when there is something that I am curious about, I make up fictitious stories to see if he will bring up something that I heard on his voicemail. And if it is something that I deem unimportant, I will erase it as it never occurred.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Oh, my God.

[Burt]

If I could quote the ghost from Amityville Horror. Get out. Serious man.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Oh, God. What I'm confused about is if she.

[Raj]

Gets into her boyfriend's voicemail and checks.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

It, how does he ever get his messages?

[Burt]

Maybe she saves it as new.

[Raj]

How do you know you have to.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Like, save messages on my cell phone and it goes right into the archives.

[Burt]

Yeah, because once you take that initial cell phone and you press, you know, to listen to it, it'll no longer say new messages. He'll just all of a sudden have messages. This guy's obviously an idiot. Well, obviously. He. You know, he does. Well, yeah, he's a double idiot, but, yeah, I mean, you should know instantly when things are being checked.

[Raj]

Right?

[Burt]

She's erasing some of his voicemails. If she doesn't deem them important, she makes up fictitious stories after she hears some of the voicemails, she's checking his voicemail five times a day. Here's the confusing thing as a guy is, like, even when we don't give you any reason to distrust us at all, you're still making up stuff in your heads to distrust us.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Well, it must have come from somebody before him for sure.

[Noah]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

You're paying for somebody else's crime. Right?

[Burt]

All right, so I mentioned in, like, this little post show commercial that I do, saying, hey, here's what's coming up on the Birch show tomorrow morning, and I said that we're gonna talk about a woman that checks her boyfriend's voicemail five times a day. And then we started getting all these freaky emails from Burt show listeners going, okay, y', all, you think that's crazy? Here's what I do.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

I check my boyfriend's email. We used to work together, so I hacked into his work email. When I switched jobs, he. At that time, we were just dating and not a couple. I knew he was seeing other people and was communicating with them in some way. So something in my head made me think to check his email account. Honey, I am too good. I can access all three accounts. Work, Home, and Yahoo. Oh, honey. I have created a file on him with all his email. Sometimes I retract mail he sends to users I think he should not communicate with enough. I know I'm crazy. I get a rush off checking his email, but yet I feel guilty. I. I check it more than I do my own. I want to tell him, but can't and will not. Burt Show. Please pray for my sanity.

[Burt]

It's too late. We have the voice disguiser on, and we're going to call this Burt show listener, Brittany.

[Noah]

Hi.

[Burt]

Hi.

[Noah]

I've been doing similar for a little over six years, almost seven years with my daughter's daughter. But the only thing is, I found stuff over the seven years, but his cause just keep going on.

[Burt]

Now, let me ask you this. Which came first, your insecurity or him screwing around and making you insecure enough for you to check the voicemail?

[Noah]

Him screwing around. And I can tell you how we worked together, except at different locations, and he made an excuse that he was going off with his friends, and I, you know, thought he was innocent. And I just happened to get a call from a friend at the location he worked at, and I was going down there to see my other friend, and he came walking out with a girl.

[Burt]

So let me ask you this, though. At that time, if he screwed around, then why not just get out of the relationship rather than checking his email and his cell and all that?

[Noah]

I didn't do that at that time. I did that after he convinced me that everything was okay and we had a child together.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

So you had a child after that incident?

[Noah]

Right. Okay, not long after, but within a year.

[Burt]

And you're checking everything?

[Noah]

Well, not anymore. I'm done. After I got an email forwarded to me that he was out looking at engagement rings with somebody else while he was engaged to me. I'm done.

[Burt]

That was it at that point?

[Noah]

Yeah.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

I mean, I think for some women, it is a matter of control in which they're not getting communication they want. I do think There are women who ask questions of their boyfriends or husbands and don't get a direct answer and have to go to these extremes. But if you're at the point where you're breaking into someone's voicemail or email, I mean, you've got to question yourself on, like, that's not. That's such a vicious cycle that you're getting into, and it's not worth it. It's not worth the stress.

[Raj]

Dude.

[Burt]

I would think it would be so exhausting to live with that kind of distrust all the time, you know? Hey, Peaches.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Hey. How you doing?

[Burt]

Awesome. I love that name.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Okay. I used to check my boyfriend's voicemail. He had a T mobile phone, and he would only check his voicemail from his cell phone, so he didn't need a passcode. Well, after being suspicious for a while, I had changed his passcode so that whenever he was out and I would call his cell phone and he didn't answer, or it would go straight to voicemail, I would check the voice messages to see who had been calling him and who he had been speaking with. And I had consultations with three different women because of that. And he never knew how I found out about these women and who he was fooling around with.

[Burt]

Yeah, he's stupid too, but, yeah, he.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Was kind of dumb.

[Burt]

Let me ask you this. I have to ask the same question. Like, rather than get in fights with three other women and go through the exhaustive process of checking his voicemail, why don't you just cut the dude loose?

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Well, because it was deeper than that. And I have been through too much and put in too much investment to just let something happen. Come snatch my man up.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

No, I didn't.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

And when I would ask him about it, he would always lie. So I had to have. I had checked his text messages once, and I got into some text messages with another girl, and I forwarded him all the messages before I even said anything. And he about crapped his pants. Really?

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Now impeaches. This is not just you. I just think, ladies, now, come on, let's not. Not deeper than that. And our love is so great. It has to do with ego. The fact that you. You were trying to take. It's a control. It's a control issue and a game, and you're trying to take control back and then you're able to walk away. But if it's being. Being done to you, you can't. You won't walk away. And it like.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Like for Dave and we're gonna get married. Next year.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Are you kidding me?

[Burt]

No.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

I will kick his butt.

[Noah]

Are you.

[Burt]

You're gonna marry this dude?

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Peaches? Honey, no.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Because I. I love him, but I just refuse to be played if I can find out about it and do something about it.

[Burt]

You are getting into a relationship now where, you know you can't trust your man. You cannot trust this guy. You do not have trust, but you're gonna marry him anyway.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

I believe people can change, and hopefully I'm right.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Well, yeah, good luck to you. I'm just. You've just proven to him he can do whatever he wants to you and he can get away with it.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Thanks, Melissa.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Sometimes, to me, I think what you were saying about the game, I think sometimes women use it as almost like a soap opera thing.

[Raj]

Like, this is really fun.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

This is, like, fun game, this little soap opera that's going on or whatever. But what you don't realize is time after time after time, it's gonna end up hurting you. Really hurting you. And you get deeper into it. I think the person who checks the voicemail five times a day, she started out just once, and then one day she said, well, let me just do it again.

[Burt]

Start to get obsessed about it.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

And it's easy to get in that position.

[Burt]

See, I don't understand this, because I try to avoid drama at all costs. Like, I look at Crash's relationship with his wife, and that is so dizzying to me and so scary that it's the polar opposite of what I try to do, probably to a fault where I probably let too much crap go by just because I don't want the drama and I don't want to talk about it enough. So to be in a relationship that is driven off that kind of drama is unthinkable to me.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

It just, to me, sounds so like high school and college relationships where, you know, you weren't taking them seriously and it was just fun. You were gonna play games with your friends and sit around with your girlfriends and check their voicemail. Cause look at. I.

[Raj]

You know, I cracked the code and.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

I got in and whatever. It just sounds so immature that I can't believe we're talking to grown women in grown adult relationships doing this.

[Burt]

Good morning, Carla.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Good morning. I know, Jen, we are pathetic. But it's just the way it is. I check my husband's cell phone records every single month. I go find tooth comb. I've even made a spreadsheet of all the phone numbers I don't recognize, and I will call them just to see if it's a man or a woman. And I used to check his email religiously, but I've quit doing that so much because there was an instance where he was getting emails from a woman that he had an affair with when he was married to his last wife. And I sent her email telling her not to, you know, send emails anymore. But he has not cheated on me that I know of. The insecurity started. We'd been married for about a year before we got married. We had several conversations about infidelity. He said he had never done that, but it had been done to him. Well, about eight months ago, he told me he had cheated on his first wife and his second wife numerous times.

[Burt]

This is an interesting point right here, and it's something that we brought up last week because we asked women, look, if you ended up screwing around with a guy that was in a relationship and he ended up dumping his girlfriend or his wife for you, do you trust him? Do you still have 100% trust in him? And the women said no. Even though he ended up with me, he was screwing around with me in the beginning, I still don't trust the guy now. What you're saying here is that he screwed around in a previous relationship. You had nothing to do with it at all, but since that's in his history, you can't trust him 100%.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Exactly. And I don't know that it's because of his history so much. I feel like it's more because we had conversations about it and lied to me about it. But then all of a sudden, we'd been married for a year and he decided he needed to say yes. I screwed around on both of my wife several times.

[Burt]

So if he didn't lie about it, would you still have that insecurity and that distrust?

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

I don't know. I don't think it would be as strong as it is right now. I think I might still in the back of my mind say, oh, gosh, you know, he did it to the other two women. What makes me so different? Why is this situation so different? And how has he changed so much?

[Burt]

It makes me think that guys should lie about. Just makes me think that guys should lie about it.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Lie about what? Their past.

[Burt]

Their. Their past. Like this has nothing to do with her at all. Yet she still distrusts him.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

But she's found an email from that woman that he cheated on his ex wife with while she's been married to him. That right there is enough to be.

[Burt]

Suspect even before that. Did you have that distrust for him?

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

No. Not at all.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

I'm just curious because, you know, did you hear our conversation with Peaches earlier?

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

No, I couldn't hear it very well because I was already on hold.

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

And because she got off the phone, she wasn't very happy with me. And I'm just curious your advice for her because Peaches is in a relationship with a man that's cheated on her numerous times and she busted him and now she's about to marry him because she said that he's changed.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Oh, no, no, ma'.

[Noah]

Am.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

If I was Peaches, I would not. Because, I mean, I know Bert. You know, I've heard you have conversations, you know, saying you were a dog, but you met Stacy and you changed. But I just. I think you're one in a million, bird. I don't think all men are that way. And if I were Peaches, no, ma', am, I would be taken off in opposite direction.

[Raj]

Okay.

[Burt]

All right. Thank you very much.

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Thank you.

[Burt]

And Stephanie, you'll be the last call on this. What's going on?

[Caller 1 / Listener 1]

Hi. I've never gone through before. I'm kind of still in shock. But I love you guys. And I just heard Peaches and oh, my God, I'm like, I've been with the man that I love now for about five years. We're engaged. We're going to get married in September. And I absolutely trust him in every way. I don't even think I could imagine marrying somebody if they cheated on me. And then I'd have to live the rest of my life wondering if, oh, my God, I'm going to have to, you know, be, you know, Mr. Detective or Mrs. Detective every day and have to check on their emails and their voice messages and, oh, it just completely disgusts me that women don't have enough self confidence in themselves to just say, you know, is it really worth it? There's millions of people out there. I mean, is it really worth it?

[Caller 2 / Listener 2]

Yeah, it's just fascinating to me. I mean, and I've been there. I mean, I think. I think it's easy, unfortunately, to get into that habit if you're in a relationship and you're emotionally invested. Once women have that emotional coat around their shoulders, they don't think clearly. They were so ready to forgive somebody and let themselves, you know, go to crap. But I mean, I think it starts with that first look, like you're sitting at the computer tapping your knee, like, well, should I check it? I don't know. And that's at that moment, ladies, it's when you say, no, because if you say yes just that one time, then you get like, these women who check it five times and check all their accounts and do all this stuff.

[Burt]

But if you're gonna stay in that relationship, you gotta figure out a way how to start to trust that guy or let it go, right? Cause you're gonna drive yourself absolute. Eddie man the Birch show.

[Raj]

Hey, it's Raj and Noah, and we're back with a new season of Am I Doing It Wrong? The show that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right.

[Noah]

Because we're still doing a lot of stuff wrong.

[Raj]

But who isn't? That's why each week we're talking about the topics that we could all use a little helping hit with. Whether it's making new friends as an adult, managing our emotions, or even dreaming.

[Noah]

We'Ll be talking to experts in their fields who are definitely doing things right. So the rest of us can be a bit wiser and a lot better equipped to handle whatever life throws throws at us.

[Raj]

Subscribe now and listen to new episodes of Am I Doing It Wrong? Dropping every Thursday starting January 1st, wherever you get your podcasts.

[Noah]

And for the first time ever, we're gonna have full video episodes on YouTube. Because as long as there are things to get wrong, we're gonna be right here to help you do them better.

[Burt]

Love y'. All. Hey marketers, here's something to note. 75% of listeners don't consider podcasters to be influencers. Yet 84% say a podcaster has changed their mind about something they once believed. That's the paradox of PODC influence. It's built on credibility, not clout. Trust, not trends. Acast's podcast Pulse2025 report reveals how podcast creators are redefining influence through resonance, multiplatform fandoms and their ability to shape culture. Get the full report free at podcastpulse2025.com.