The Bert Show: Vault – Listeners Share The Dating Spreadsheets They Have

Date: January 30, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, listeners

Episode Overview

This lively and candid episode dives into the unusual—and surprisingly organized—world of dating spreadsheets. Sparked by a prior discussion, the hosts open the phone lines to hear from listeners who've kept detailed records of their romantic encounters, and the segment quickly turns into a revealing (and at times hilarious) confessional about the ways people track, analyze, and revisit their dating lives. The tone is playful, real, and full of the relatable banter and spirited fun that defines The Bert Show.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origin: Dating as Data Management (00:08 – 01:34)

• Jen recounts a story from "Moment of Truth," where a contestant named Paul admits maintaining a "Hall of Fame" spreadsheet with columns for names, ratings, notes, and even barcodes to track his experiences.
• The group debates the purpose: Is it about organization, memory, or just "ranking" partners?
• Notably, Jen shares that her own friend treated dating analytically, documenting everything from professions and date locations to compatibility—with color-coding! “She approached dating like she approached business… Color coded, barcoded. She married, you name it, she is.” (01:07 – 01:34)

2. Listener Amanda’s Unexpected Discovery (01:34 – 03:23)

• Amanda shares a story about finding an ex-boyfriend's secret “sex” spreadsheet on his computer.
  • The file listed over 50 names with the date of encounter and even included a bar graph showing peak months.
  • Amanda, nonplussed, asked him about it. He justified it by saying:

    “I don’t want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn’t remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.” (02:41 – 03:00)

• The cast is entertained and a little awed at the organizational skills some men apparently have.

3. Women’s Spreadsheets: More Detailed? (03:23 – 03:44)

• The hosts speculate whether women’s dating spreadsheets are more descriptive.
  • Bert: “I bet the women’s spreadsheets are more descriptive than the guys are.” (03:38 – 03:44)
  • Others agree, suggesting “without a doubt” women's may be “graphic”—in the data sense.

4. Another Listener's 'Player' Story (03:52 – 05:10)

• Jessica calls in to describe a college boyfriend documenting every girl he dated.
  • She discovers a list next to his phone: “So that when he was on the phone… he knew so much about me and treated me like I was the center of the universe…” (03:55 – 04:44)
  • The paper included names, descriptions, phone numbers, even recent activities, so he could personalize each conversation.

5. The 'Freaky' Rating Spreadsheet (06:02 – 06:54)

• Caller Trey (voice disguised) proudly admits to maintaining a highly detailed spreadsheet.
  • His file includes: names, “the freaky ones,” supported acts, various sexual positions, and a rating system with stars and hearts.
  • He confesses:

    “I have the freaky ones, the ones that do like oral things in different positions… It has a rating by stars and hearts.” (06:20 – 06:41)

• The host is fascinated with the “search” functionality—exploring partners by… attributes.

6. Siblings Compete with Hookup Spreadsheets (07:01 – 07:41)

• A listener shares how his fraternity brother and that brother’s sorority sister both kept competing spreadsheets:

  “They each kept a spreadsheet of which one of each other’s friends they had hooked up with.” (07:15 – 07:18)

• The crew likens it to the movie “Cruel Intentions.”

7. The “Box of Exes” (07:41 – 08:55)

• Caller Kay reveals her boyfriend keeps a literal box with names, contact details, and dates for EVERY woman he’s ever been with.
  • His reasoning is “so he would know who to go back to in case something happened.”
    Bert (disbelieving): “That was a bad answer.” (08:11)
  • Kay stays with him anyway, confident she’s “the last number.”

8. Gender Differences in Digital Hoarding (09:02 – 10:33)

• Stevie (caller) recounts experience working at a computer store, scanning for illicit content:
  • Men hide files in obvious places (“folder called porn or sex”) but women create elaborate hiding systems (“mama’s bacon recipe” folder).
  • He says:

    “Girls’ spreadsheets… they had colors, pivot tables, formulas… One had a PowerPoint that linked to documents for different guys with pictures… It’s horribly, horribly complicated.” (09:38 – 10:20)

  • Stevie concludes:

    “One thing you never want to do is pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the… freaky sheet.” (10:28 – 10:33)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen on Women’s Data:

  “She would just sort of analyze it, color coded, barcoded…” (01:15)

• Amanda’s Ex:

  “I don’t want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn’t remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.” (02:41)

• Host Bert on Organization:

  “That’s impressive right there.” (02:33)

• Jessica’s Shock:

  “…when he was on the phone. And it had phone numbers, too. I mean, he called me so much that I thought he just knew my phone number. But no, he had the phone number.” (04:56)

• Trey’s Ratings:

  “…the ones that do, like, oral things in different positions… rating by stars and hearts.” (06:20)

• Stevie on Digital Divides:

  “Dudes are terrible. Their stuff is always stashed in a folder called porn… Chicks much, much, much, much, much worse… They had colors, they had pivot tables, they had charts.” (09:04 & 09:38)

• Stevie’s Warning:

  “Things you never want to do is you never want to pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the freaky sheet.” (10:28)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:08 — Topic Introduction: Dating Spreadsheets
• 01:07 — Jen’s friend: Analytical dating spreadsheets (“color coded, barcoded”)
• 01:34 — Amanda discovers boyfriend’s “sex” file and chart
• 03:23 — Are women’s spreadsheets more detailed than men’s?
• 03:55 — Jessica’s boyfriend and “personalized” dating list
• 06:02 — Trey, the “freaky” excel user: ratings and data
• 07:01 — Sibling rivalry: Fraternity/sorority spreadsheet war
• 07:41 — Kay’s boyfriend’s “box” method
• 09:02 — Stevie on digital differences: “freaky sheets” and hidden files

Tone & Final Thoughts

In classic Bert Show style, the cast mixes sincere curiosity, humorous ribbing, and lively listener stories to explore both the practicality and the absurdity of dating spreadsheets. They poke fun at one another’s ideas about men vs women’s data collection, relish in the creativity of the listeners’ record-keeping, and wrap with a wink: sometimes you really don’t want to know what’s in that file—or box—after all.