Vault: Listeners Share The Dating Spreadsheets They Have

Summary

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The Bert Show: Vault – Listeners Share The Dating Spreadsheets They Have

Date: January 30, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, listeners

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Episode Overview

This lively and candid episode dives into the unusual—and surprisingly organized—world of dating spreadsheets. Sparked by a prior discussion, the hosts open the phone lines to hear from listeners who've kept detailed records of their romantic encounters, and the segment quickly turns into a revealing (and at times hilarious) confessional about the ways people track, analyze, and revisit their dating lives. The tone is playful, real, and full of the relatable banter and spirited fun that defines The Bert Show.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origin: Dating as Data Management (00:08 – 01:34)

• Jen recounts a story from "Moment of Truth," where a contestant named Paul admits maintaining a "Hall of Fame" spreadsheet with columns for names, ratings, notes, and even barcodes to track his experiences.
• The group debates the purpose: Is it about organization, memory, or just "ranking" partners?
• Notably, Jen shares that her own friend treated dating analytically, documenting everything from professions and date locations to compatibility—with color-coding! “She approached dating like she approached business… Color coded, barcoded. She married, you name it, she is.” (01:07 – 01:34)

2. Listener Amanda’s Unexpected Discovery (01:34 – 03:23)

• Amanda shares a story about finding an ex-boyfriend's secret “sex” spreadsheet on his computer.
  • The file listed over 50 names with the date of encounter and even included a bar graph showing peak months.
  • Amanda, nonplussed, asked him about it. He justified it by saying:

    “I don’t want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn’t remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.” (02:41 – 03:00)

• The cast is entertained and a little awed at the organizational skills some men apparently have.

3. Women’s Spreadsheets: More Detailed? (03:23 – 03:44)

• The hosts speculate whether women’s dating spreadsheets are more descriptive.
  • Bert: “I bet the women’s spreadsheets are more descriptive than the guys are.” (03:38 – 03:44)
  • Others agree, suggesting “without a doubt” women's may be “graphic”—in the data sense.

4. Another Listener's 'Player' Story (03:52 – 05:10)

• Jessica calls in to describe a college boyfriend documenting every girl he dated.
  • She discovers a list next to his phone: “So that when he was on the phone… he knew so much about me and treated me like I was the center of the universe…” (03:55 – 04:44)
  • The paper included names, descriptions, phone numbers, even recent activities, so he could personalize each conversation.

5. The 'Freaky' Rating Spreadsheet (06:02 – 06:54)

• Caller Trey (voice disguised) proudly admits to maintaining a highly detailed spreadsheet.
  • His file includes: names, “the freaky ones,” supported acts, various sexual positions, and a rating system with stars and hearts.
  • He confesses:

    “I have the freaky ones, the ones that do like oral things in different positions… It has a rating by stars and hearts.” (06:20 – 06:41)

• The host is fascinated with the “search” functionality—exploring partners by… attributes.

6. Siblings Compete with Hookup Spreadsheets (07:01 – 07:41)

• A listener shares how his fraternity brother and that brother’s sorority sister both kept competing spreadsheets:

  “They each kept a spreadsheet of which one of each other’s friends they had hooked up with.” (07:15 – 07:18)

• The crew likens it to the movie “Cruel Intentions.”

7. The “Box of Exes” (07:41 – 08:55)

• Caller Kay reveals her boyfriend keeps a literal box with names, contact details, and dates for EVERY woman he’s ever been with.
  • His reasoning is “so he would know who to go back to in case something happened.”
    Bert (disbelieving): “That was a bad answer.” (08:11)
  • Kay stays with him anyway, confident she’s “the last number.”

8. Gender Differences in Digital Hoarding (09:02 – 10:33)

• Stevie (caller) recounts experience working at a computer store, scanning for illicit content:
  • Men hide files in obvious places (“folder called porn or sex”) but women create elaborate hiding systems (“mama’s bacon recipe” folder).
  • He says:

    “Girls’ spreadsheets… they had colors, pivot tables, formulas… One had a PowerPoint that linked to documents for different guys with pictures… It’s horribly, horribly complicated.” (09:38 – 10:20)

  • Stevie concludes:

    “One thing you never want to do is pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the… freaky sheet.” (10:28 – 10:33)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jen on Women’s Data:

  “She would just sort of analyze it, color coded, barcoded…” (01:15)

• Amanda’s Ex:

  “I don’t want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn’t remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.” (02:41)

• Host Bert on Organization:

  “That’s impressive right there.” (02:33)

• Jessica’s Shock:

  “…when he was on the phone. And it had phone numbers, too. I mean, he called me so much that I thought he just knew my phone number. But no, he had the phone number.” (04:56)

• Trey’s Ratings:

  “…the ones that do, like, oral things in different positions… rating by stars and hearts.” (06:20)

• Stevie on Digital Divides:

  “Dudes are terrible. Their stuff is always stashed in a folder called porn… Chicks much, much, much, much, much worse… They had colors, they had pivot tables, they had charts.” (09:04 & 09:38)

• Stevie’s Warning:

  “Things you never want to do is you never want to pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the freaky sheet.” (10:28)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:08 — Topic Introduction: Dating Spreadsheets
• 01:07 — Jen’s friend: Analytical dating spreadsheets (“color coded, barcoded”)
• 01:34 — Amanda discovers boyfriend’s “sex” file and chart
• 03:23 — Are women’s spreadsheets more detailed than men’s?
• 03:55 — Jessica’s boyfriend and “personalized” dating list
• 06:02 — Trey, the “freaky” excel user: ratings and data
• 07:01 — Sibling rivalry: Fraternity/sorority spreadsheet war
• 07:41 — Kay’s boyfriend’s “box” method
• 09:02 — Stevie on digital differences: “freaky sheets” and hidden files

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Tone & Final Thoughts

In classic Bert Show style, the cast mixes sincere curiosity, humorous ribbing, and lively listener stories to explore both the practicality and the absurdity of dating spreadsheets. They poke fun at one another’s ideas about men vs women’s data collection, relish in the creativity of the listeners’ record-keeping, and wrap with a wink: sometimes you really don’t want to know what’s in that file—or box—after all.

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Transcript

[A]

The Birch Show.

[B]

Good morning, Amanda. You're on Q100.

[C]

Hey.

[B]

Hey.

[C]

I was calling about the spreadsheet thing.

[B]

Yeah, this is initially what we were gonna talk about is that Jen brought this up yesterday that there are some people that keep spreadsheets of dating.

[D]

Yeah, it kind of came up on Moment of Truth last night. Not last night, but night before last when this contestant Paul explained his spreadsheet that he has. It's almost like a hall of fame of women.

[B]

Is there a rating? There's a rating, yeah. Oh, my God.

[E]

How many call.

[B]

What columns are there, Paul? Five or six. Five or six columns. Have you seen it, Federico? Yeah, I've seen it. It's impressive, actually. Why do you keep the spreadsheet? I'll actually blame it on my sister.

[D]

I do not remember this little black.

[E]

Book, my little pimp book you gave me for a birthday.

[D]

So basically, he just keeps the hall of fame of women that he's been with and ranks them and writes little notes about them and that sort of thing. And I have a friend that sort of approached dating like she approached business. And she had spreadsheets of the people she was dating, what they did for a living, their contact information, what they went, you know, what their first, second, and third dates were, like, where he would take her so that she could sort of compare guy to guy and line it up, column A to column B and be like, well, he took me to a five star. But then this date was like a cooler idea, you know, and she would just sort of analyze it, color coded, barcoded. She married, you name it, she is. Yes. Just married in October.

[B]

Amanda has a friend that does the same thing. Amanda.

[C]

He didn't keep a spreadsheet of women he had dated, but I was actually. I'd only been dating him for a couple months, and I was using his computer in college to do a paper and I had to make a spreadsheet. And so I went into Excel and you can click and like look at. Try to find your file again. And there was one that was like sex. So I mean, of course he could have hit it a little bit better. So I clicked on it and it was a spreadsheet of all the women that he had slept with. And it was like 50 something women. And he had like a name, a date. And so then I scrolled down a little more and he had a chart, kind of like a bar graph that had the bottom was the months of the year, and then the side was like the number. So you could look and see, like okay, In July, he slept with this many women. Like he had it charted out.

[D]

That's hilarious. So he was knowing when his mojo was going up and down through the months. It's like, yeah, I was having a really great July.

[B]

I didn't think that guys had that kind of organization. And that's impressive right there.

[A]

I don't think most guys do.

[B]

Would it get really descriptive?

[C]

No, he just had, no, he just had the graph. And then in the, in the spreadsheet all it had was like the name and the date that, that he slept with him. And then when I asked him about it, he was like, well, I don't want to be one of those guys who slept with a lot of women and didn't remember their names because that would just make me a bad guy.

[B]

See, I could see a guy like, because generally a guy will remember a woman in bed by a where they met and be one thing that happened in bed. So I could see a guy like writing in that column, like, I can't say, but whatever freaky thing happened, like that was that girl and that's how you'll always remember her. Does that make any sense?

[C]

You didn't do that.

[B]

All right, thank you for coming.

[D]

I love to see these spreadsheets, whether it was like hers or like a dating one.

[B]

She's the only one that's called up with the spreadsheet. Sorry, nobody else is saying they've kept one.

[D]

Well, if you have one, I would love for you to email it to me, Jen, at allthehitsq100.com I would just love to see everybody's organization.

[B]

I would like to know, I bet that the women's spreadsheets are more descriptive than the guys are.

[A]

Without a doubt, graphic.

[B]

You mean graphically? Yeah, I bet they are. 404-741-Q100. Hi. Peace.

[F]

What's up?

[B]

Jeff said you had a spreadsheet story.

[F]

I do. I dated this guy when I was in college and I mean I kind of knew he was a player anyway, but I didn't want to believe it because he was so great to me and treated me like I was the center of the universe and knew so much about me and was just great. I just loved him. But he wouldn't commit. Wouldn't commit 100%. So one day I was over at his house and I went to use his phone and he had his phone set up in this little back room and next to the phone was this sheet of paper with girls names and then next to the names were descriptions and notes about the girls. So next to me would say, jessica. And then it had, like, you know, the car that I drove, things that I had done recently, like, just got back from California.

[B]

Really?

[F]

And a whole list of girls and all these things. So that when he was on the phone. And it had phone numbers, too. I mean, he called me so much that I thought he just knew my phone number. But no, he had the phone number.

[B]

That's good.

[F]

He had, like, times and stuff. The last time he talked to me, he made a note of it. I mean, I was blown away. And there was this long list of girls and some that I recognized as his quote, unquote, friends. Now, I totally got. I totally got played.

[D]

I'm surprised he wasn't more secretive about where that was. Well, normally he was sitting there right by the phone.

[F]

Well, but it was in a back room. Like, it wasn't a room that we would normally be in. It was like his little office. And so.

[A]

Well, you used to be a psycho, too. So you probably broke into his house. He was probably at work or something. You climbed through a window.

[D]

All girls are psycho.

[F]

My friend and I. One day I was over there early or something, and my friend came over and we did do a little snooping.

[A]

You should have changed the notes.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Like, you should have.

[A]

Copied over different notes. Like, had Jen be the one who just got back from California. So how's California? Did you enjoy visiting your parents? What? Huh?

[D]

I was in Hawaii.

[A]

No. When I talked to you last Tuesday, you said you were in California.

[D]

We talked Friday.

[B]

Hey, Trey, you're on the Voice disguiser. What's up?

[G]

Yeah, I actually have a spreadsheet. And, yeah, it's pretty descriptive. I have names. I have the freaky ones. The ones that do, like, oral things in different positions. And. Yeah, it has a rating by Stars and Hearts.

[D]

That is hilarious. So you can search by position or that there's something. A quick search, like most.

[B]

I think most guys will either remember that experience by something freaky that happened or a specific body part that we liked a lot.

[G]

I completely agree with you, and that's what made me do that column, was because I really like certain positions at certain times. Like, oh, hey, she knows the common suture. Let's go get.

[D]

Wow. Fascinating, isn't it? I love this.

[B]

Good morning, jay. You're on Q100.

[E]

Hey, what's going on? Love the show, fellas.

[B]

Thank you, sir.

[E]

I actually had two friends in college. One of them was my fraternity brother, and his sister was in a sorority at the Same college. And they each kept a spreadsheet of which one of each other's friends they had hooked up with.

[B]

Oh, dude. Oh, that's nasty.

[A]

That's like that movie with. Right. Was it Ryan Phillippe and, I don't know, Reese Witherspoon and other people in it. And they were stepsisters. Remember? Stepbrother and sister.

[B]

I want to say indecent Proposal, but I know that's not it. It's.

[A]

You know what I'm talking.

[B]

Cruelty, something. Cruel intentions. There we go.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Good morning. Kay, you're on Q100.

[H]

Hi, this is Kay and my.

[C]

How you doing? Good, good.

[H]

My boyfriend and I are actually riding in the car on the way out of town. We were listening to the show and I asked him, did he keep information of the hundreds of women that he's been with? And he says he keeps a box and it basically has their name and contact information and the date that he was with him with them. And I asked him why he kept that, and he said basically so that he would know who to go back to in case something happened.

[B]

Oh, damn. That was a bad answer.

[H]

When we first met and I found out how many people he's been with, I was either gonna flee or stay. I decided to stay.

[B]

But still, it doesn't let. It's not a real good excuse of why he's keeping them so far.

[A]

Has it been worth it, Stan?

[H]

Oh, definitely. This is the best relationship I've ever been in. So I'm that last number. I hope you are adding any more numbers.

[B]

I think you guys should have a night where you, like, just one by one, burn them up.

[H]

Actually, I just want to look through them and see, because he said early on he would write comments. He stopped doing that as he got older. I'm curious about what the comments say.

[B]

Oh, I bet you are. This is one of those cases where you just got to be really careful about what you ask for because you just might get it.

[H]

Yeah, I can handle it.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

All right, thanks.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

Bye. You think you can't handle the truth? One last call, Stevie, you're on Q100.

[E]

Hey, what's up, fellas?

[B]

What's going on?

[E]

All right, check us out. I used to work at a now to business computer store and we were required to scan every computer for kitty porn, basically. And you would find the most ridiculous stuff on there. All right, first of all, dudes are terrible. Their stuff is always stashed in a folder called porn or sex or Chicks. There's no. I mean, it's always easy to find. Girls always put it under something called mama's bacon recipe or something. First of all, chicks much, much, much, much, much worse. The most ridiculous. And this is 10 years ago, the most ridiculous stuff that you thought was on the Internet that dudes found chicks were already, like, 10 years ahead as far as really. And these spreadsheets, they were nice. They had the colors, they had pivot tables, they had charts. They would. They would do, like, formulas to figure out stuff on the other side. I remember one time there was a girl that had, like, a PowerPoint thing that had that, like, linked to different documents that she would do for different guys, and she had pictures and stuff. It's horribly, horribly complicated. So the fact there's a lot. There's a lot of cats out there in the closet and in denial on how on top of. On top of their freakiness they are, and things you never want to do is you never want to pull the spreadsheet and see your name on the. On the freaky sheet, right? It's like, oh, man, this sucks.

[B]

Well, I think we now know why that company ended up going under.

[E]

Amen.

[D]

They found you on the freaky sheet.

[B]

They did find you on the freaky sheet. Thanks, Steven.

[A]

The Birch Show.