The Bert Show: "Vault: Phil Plays Smear The Straight"

Date: November 11, 2025
Host: Bert and the Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa Carter, Phil Turano, et al.)
Key Participants: Phil Turano, Melissa Carter, Mike Horton from ATL’s ADA Tennis League

Episode Overview

This lively episode celebrates Atlanta Pride by reviving a long-running Bert Show tradition: “Smear the Straight.” Loosely riffing on the playground game “Smear the Queer,” the crew flips the script for a playful, lighthearted public stunt where Phil Turano, representing the straight contingent, is given a head start and then tackled by various attendees, including members of Atlanta's ADA Tennis League and assorted spectators.

The segment blends humor, playful ribbing, and social awareness, highlighting the evolution of language and inclusivity while keeping the irreverent, fun tone The Bert Show is known for.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage for Pride

• [01:13] Melissa Carter delivers an enthusiastic “Happy Pride, everybody,” noting Atlanta Pride's kickoff and setting the celebratory mood.
• The team gathers at Piedmont Park, introducing the tradition as their fun way to launch Pride Weekend.

2. Reflecting on Smear the Queer’s Legacy

• [01:34] Bert: Discusses how the original playground game “Smear the Queer” was played, acknowledging its outdated and problematic terminology.
  • “At the time, we didn’t realize how politically incorrect it was. We didn’t even know, really, I don’t think what it meant. It just rhymed.” (Bert, 01:49)
• [01:52] Melissa: Adds that “queer” back then meant odd/different, but as adults, they've recognized its offensive context.
• [02:20] The solution: Tracy suggests, “Why don’t we just smear the straight?” which evolves into the show’s Pride tradition.

3. Game Time: Introducing the New “Victims”

• [03:12] Melissa Carter: Introduces Mike Horton from ADA Tennis, this year’s gay sports rep.
• [03:28] Phil (to Mike): Playfully sizes up Mike, teasing that he’s “not intimidated” by a tennis player.
  • [03:28] Phil Turano: “I did chest yesterday at the gym and I did 265 for four reps…if you don’t think tennis players can be a little big too, it’s…”
  • [03:37] Bert (playful): “Are you on the juice?”
  • [03:40] Mike: “You know, come on down and we’ll tackle you too.”
• [04:16] Phil’s ball jokes: Tongue-in-cheek banter ensues about tennis balls and rackets.

4. Spectator Involvement and Anticipation

• [06:08] Melissa Carter: Notes increased participation, highlighting spectators like Claire, Lauren, and “one big guy” who looks eager to join.
• [06:21] Melissa (jokingly): Proposes the new spectator help “hold the other guy’s balls in his racket.” (cue playful groans from others)

5. Scholarly Tennis Banter & Show Memories

• [05:44] Bert & Melissa: Reminisce about previous athletic guests, particularly tennis players, and joke about their longstanding aggressive energy rather than comedic timing.

6. The Game: Rules and Play-By-Play

• [07:10] Phil Turano: Recaps the childhood rules of Smear the Queer, and describes the show’s update:
  • Only Phil will be chased, tackled, and must get up to re-run, since the ball isn’t actually passed on.
• [08:35] Melissa Carter: Offers vivid fashion commentary on Phil’s “camp drag” outfit:
  • “Now he’s got a T shirt on that says, ‘yum yum, get you some,’ handwritten, four pink leis... a red lingerie blouse with fur cuffs, and a hot pink hat with beads.”
• [09:40] Melissa sets the lineup: ADA Tennis reps, original cast members, and more gather for the chase.
• [10:17] Melissa Carter: Explains that on this version, as soon as Phil’s tackled, gets up, and runs again—“It’s a non-stop game. Smear the Straight.”

7. Highlight: The Action Unfolds

• [12:06] Melissa Carter shouts: “Yum, yum, get you some!” as the official cue.
• [12:09] Phil Turano (panicking): “Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Let me describe what I’m—oh, God. Are you? Oh, Jesus. Oh, this dude is on me. Oh, damn it…”
• Phil is tackled, loses his hat, and receives birthday spankings via tennis rackets.
• [13:11] Bert: Declares Smear the Straight has officially kicked off Pride Week.

8. Aftermath and Reflections:

• [13:16] Melissa Carter & Bert: Joke about Yogi’s legendary strength, referencing Mr. Clean and “Of Mice and Men.”
  • [13:36] Bert: “He’s the character in Of Mice and Men—he just doesn’t realize how big he is.”
• Phil vows, tongue-in-cheek, that “This game is officially retired. I’m done.” (13:47)
• Everyone offers cheerful “Happy Pride!” wishes.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “At the time, we didn’t realize how politically incorrect it was. It just rhymed.”
  — Bert (01:49)
• “Why has it gotta be smear the queer? Why’s the queers gotta be smeared? … Why don’t we just smear the straight?”
  — Melissa & Tracy’s solution (02:20)
• “I hold my balls all the time and even have an additional bucket. … We can go expensive, we can go cheap.”
  — Mike Horton, tennis player (04:17)
• “Let me describe what I’m—oh, God. … Oh, this dude is on me. Oh, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.”
  — Phil Turano, during the chase (12:09)
• “He’s the character in Of Mice and Men—he just doesn’t realize how big he is and how strong he is.”
  — Bert on Yogi (13:36)
• “This game is officially retired. I’m done.”
  — Phil Turano (13:47)

Key Timestamps

• [01:13] – Melissa Carter: “Happy Pride, everybody.”
• [01:34 - 02:20] – Reflection on “Smear the Queer” and inventing the new tradition.
• [03:12 - 04:27] – Mike Horton joins, tennis ball banter, pre-game jokes.
• [07:10] – Phil recaps Smear the Queer and explains the game rules.
• [08:35] – Description of Phil’s flamboyant Pride outfit.
• [10:17] – Spectators join, anticipation builds.
• [12:06 - 13:16] – Action play-by-play: Phil chased, tackled, and spanked.
• [13:16 - 13:47] – Aftermath, jokes about Yogi, and Phil’s retirement from the tradition.

Tone and Takeaways

The episode is characterized by irreverent humor, camaraderie, and Pride celebration. The cast is self-aware, openly reflecting on the evolution of language and intent, while making visible efforts to adapt traditions in a spirit of inclusivity and fun. Listeners get equal parts nostalgic playground memories, raucous group banter, and genuine community celebration.

If you missed the show, catch the best bits for laughs, insightful social commentary, and a sense of Atlanta’s vibrant Pride community—plus some exceptionally creative tennis ball jokes.