Vault: Phil Plays Smear The Straight

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Phil Plays Smear The Straight"

Date: November 11, 2025
Host: Bert and the Bert Show Cast (Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Melissa Carter, Phil Turano, et al.)
Key Participants: Phil Turano, Melissa Carter, Mike Horton from ATL’s ADA Tennis League

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Episode Overview

This lively episode celebrates Atlanta Pride by reviving a long-running Bert Show tradition: “Smear the Straight.” Loosely riffing on the playground game “Smear the Queer,” the crew flips the script for a playful, lighthearted public stunt where Phil Turano, representing the straight contingent, is given a head start and then tackled by various attendees, including members of Atlanta's ADA Tennis League and assorted spectators.

The segment blends humor, playful ribbing, and social awareness, highlighting the evolution of language and inclusivity while keeping the irreverent, fun tone The Bert Show is known for.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Stage for Pride

• [01:13] Melissa Carter delivers an enthusiastic “Happy Pride, everybody,” noting Atlanta Pride's kickoff and setting the celebratory mood.
• The team gathers at Piedmont Park, introducing the tradition as their fun way to launch Pride Weekend.

2. Reflecting on Smear the Queer’s Legacy

• [01:34] Bert: Discusses how the original playground game “Smear the Queer” was played, acknowledging its outdated and problematic terminology.
  • “At the time, we didn’t realize how politically incorrect it was. We didn’t even know, really, I don’t think what it meant. It just rhymed.” (Bert, 01:49)
• [01:52] Melissa: Adds that “queer” back then meant odd/different, but as adults, they've recognized its offensive context.
• [02:20] The solution: Tracy suggests, “Why don’t we just smear the straight?” which evolves into the show’s Pride tradition.

3. Game Time: Introducing the New “Victims”

• [03:12] Melissa Carter: Introduces Mike Horton from ADA Tennis, this year’s gay sports rep.
• [03:28] Phil (to Mike): Playfully sizes up Mike, teasing that he’s “not intimidated” by a tennis player.
  • [03:28] Phil Turano: “I did chest yesterday at the gym and I did 265 for four reps…if you don’t think tennis players can be a little big too, it’s…”
  • [03:37] Bert (playful): “Are you on the juice?”
  • [03:40] Mike: “You know, come on down and we’ll tackle you too.”
• [04:16] Phil’s ball jokes: Tongue-in-cheek banter ensues about tennis balls and rackets.

4. Spectator Involvement and Anticipation

• [06:08] Melissa Carter: Notes increased participation, highlighting spectators like Claire, Lauren, and “one big guy” who looks eager to join.
• [06:21] Melissa (jokingly): Proposes the new spectator help “hold the other guy’s balls in his racket.” (cue playful groans from others)

5. Scholarly Tennis Banter & Show Memories

• [05:44] Bert & Melissa: Reminisce about previous athletic guests, particularly tennis players, and joke about their longstanding aggressive energy rather than comedic timing.

6. The Game: Rules and Play-By-Play

• [07:10] Phil Turano: Recaps the childhood rules of Smear the Queer, and describes the show’s update:
  • Only Phil will be chased, tackled, and must get up to re-run, since the ball isn’t actually passed on.
• [08:35] Melissa Carter: Offers vivid fashion commentary on Phil’s “camp drag” outfit:
  • “Now he’s got a T shirt on that says, ‘yum yum, get you some,’ handwritten, four pink leis... a red lingerie blouse with fur cuffs, and a hot pink hat with beads.”
• [09:40] Melissa sets the lineup: ADA Tennis reps, original cast members, and more gather for the chase.
• [10:17] Melissa Carter: Explains that on this version, as soon as Phil’s tackled, gets up, and runs again—“It’s a non-stop game. Smear the Straight.”

7. Highlight: The Action Unfolds

• [12:06] Melissa Carter shouts: “Yum, yum, get you some!” as the official cue.
• [12:09] Phil Turano (panicking): “Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Let me describe what I’m—oh, God. Are you? Oh, Jesus. Oh, this dude is on me. Oh, damn it…”
• Phil is tackled, loses his hat, and receives birthday spankings via tennis rackets.
• [13:11] Bert: Declares Smear the Straight has officially kicked off Pride Week.

8. Aftermath and Reflections:

• [13:16] Melissa Carter & Bert: Joke about Yogi’s legendary strength, referencing Mr. Clean and “Of Mice and Men.”
  • [13:36] Bert: “He’s the character in Of Mice and Men—he just doesn’t realize how big he is.”
• Phil vows, tongue-in-cheek, that “This game is officially retired. I’m done.” (13:47)
• Everyone offers cheerful “Happy Pride!” wishes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “At the time, we didn’t realize how politically incorrect it was. It just rhymed.”
  — Bert (01:49)
• “Why has it gotta be smear the queer? Why’s the queers gotta be smeared? … Why don’t we just smear the straight?”
  — Melissa & Tracy’s solution (02:20)
• “I hold my balls all the time and even have an additional bucket. … We can go expensive, we can go cheap.”
  — Mike Horton, tennis player (04:17)
• “Let me describe what I’m—oh, God. … Oh, this dude is on me. Oh, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it.”
  — Phil Turano, during the chase (12:09)
• “He’s the character in Of Mice and Men—he just doesn’t realize how big he is and how strong he is.”
  — Bert on Yogi (13:36)
• “This game is officially retired. I’m done.”
  — Phil Turano (13:47)

---

Key Timestamps

• [01:13] – Melissa Carter: “Happy Pride, everybody.”
• [01:34 - 02:20] – Reflection on “Smear the Queer” and inventing the new tradition.
• [03:12 - 04:27] – Mike Horton joins, tennis ball banter, pre-game jokes.
• [07:10] – Phil recaps Smear the Queer and explains the game rules.
• [08:35] – Description of Phil’s flamboyant Pride outfit.
• [10:17] – Spectators join, anticipation builds.
• [12:06 - 13:16] – Action play-by-play: Phil chased, tackled, and spanked.
• [13:16 - 13:47] – Aftermath, jokes about Yogi, and Phil’s retirement from the tradition.

---

Tone and Takeaways

The episode is characterized by irreverent humor, camaraderie, and Pride celebration. The cast is self-aware, openly reflecting on the evolution of language and intent, while making visible efforts to adapt traditions in a spirit of inclusivity and fun. Listeners get equal parts nostalgic playground memories, raucous group banter, and genuine community celebration.

If you missed the show, catch the best bits for laughs, insightful social commentary, and a sense of Atlanta’s vibrant Pride community—plus some exceptionally creative tennis ball jokes.

Transcript

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[Phil Turano]

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[Bert]

You'Re on the vert show. I Phil and Melissa, ready to go? Yep.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Melissa Carter]

Ready?

[Melissa]

Yes, sir. Edge fell on the red one. Militia and a white one. You can understand why I chose them that way.

[Bert]

They're both red to me.

[Melissa]

They are.

[Bert]

Yep.

[Melissa]

Yes. Phil is on the red one and Melissa is on the other red one.

[Bert]

Melissa. Phil.

[Phil Turano]

No, this is Phil. Hi.

[Podcast Host Julie Koehler]

Hey.

[Bert]

Hold on one second. Melissa.

[Melissa Carter]

Yes.

[Bert]

How are you?

[Melissa Carter]

I'm good. Happy Pride, everybody.

[Bert]

Oh, thank you. Thank you. The million ways to celebrate in the city this weekend.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, yeah. I mean, Pride officially kicks off tomorrow in Piedmont park, but of course, we are at Piedmont park outside of Park Tavern. We decided to celebrate Pride a little early and have Phil kind of be, I don't know, know the prize.

[Bert]

It's. It's tradition now on the Bird show. And I think, again, this is a game that women certainly did not play when you guys were kids. This was strictly a dude thing. Smear the queer. And at the time, we didn't realize how politically incorrect it was. We didn't even know, really. I don't think what it meant. It just was. It rhymed. Yeah.

[Melissa]

It certainly wasn't malicious. It was just, you know, smear the queer was queer meant odd or different or whatever. So that's why we played it as a kid. But then as you become an adult and you realize that queer is a often used derogatory term for gay people, we're like, that ain't fair. Actually, Melissa probably said that the loudest. She's like, that ain't fair.

[Bert]

How come?

[Melissa Carter]

And being Southern, I said, ain't.

[Melissa]

That ain't fair. What are we going to do? And. And Melissa goes, yeah. Why has it gotta be smear the queer? Why's the queer's gotta be smeared? And Tracy was in the room who loves alliteration goes, well, why don't we just smear the straight?

[Bert]

See, it's payback time.

[Melissa]

And then Phil's torture was born.

[Melissa Carter]

Exactly. And so that's what we do every year. Like Bert said, it's a tradition. And so to help kick off pride here on the Burt show, we play Smear the Straight. And Phil Turano is our straight guy. And you know, every year we seem to have different sports represented. And you know, in years past we've had like for instance, the Atlanta Bucks, who's the rugby team. This year we have representation from ADA Tennis, which is the gay tennis league in town. And here is Mike Horton, who is going to represent ada and I'll put him on with you.

[Bert]

Okay? What was his name?

[Melissa]

Mike.

[Phil Turano]

Hey, what's up, guys?

[Bert]

Is it Mike?

[Phil Turano]

Yes.

[Bert]

How are you?

[Phil Turano]

I'm well, thanks. How are you?

[Bert]

Now I just want to say, Mike, I mean like last year we had the football players out there, we've had rugby players out there. I got to be honest with you, when I hear a guy playing tennis is going to be doing the tackling today, I'm not too intimidated.

[Phil Turano]

Yeah, well, I just did. Let's see, I did chest yesterday at the gym and I did 265 for four reps. So, you know, if you don't think tennis players can be a little big too, it's.

[Bert]

Get it brother, get it. Are you on the juice?

[Phil Turano]

You know, come on down and we'll tackle you too.

[Melissa]

Oh, wow.

[Phil Turano]

I even brought my racket. So, you know, it's birthday's making an order for Phil, I guess.

[Melissa]

He clearly is considering the aggression that we're seeing.

[Phil Turano]

You know, tennis players are often overlooked. And I mean, you know, it's. We gave the world Martina, you know, so what, you know, I'm a little.

[Bert]

Too small to be participated in this game. You wouldn't have any fun with me.

[Phil Turano]

Well, you know, whether you're small or not, you know, just come out here and if you now run us, well, that's good for you and if not, that's bad for you.

[Melissa]

So you said you brought your racket. Do you have your balls?

[Phil Turano]

Of course I have my balls.

[Melissa]

All right, great.

[Phil Turano]

I hold my balls all the time and even have an additional bucket. You know, I've got the Penn Ocean court, I've got Wilson. Which ones do you want? Dunlop. I mean we can go expensive, we can go cheap. Target one.

[Bert]

Well, we seeing. But if you could just show Phil your balls real quick just to confirm that you Brought them with you?

[Phil Turano]

Yeah. I'll actually walk over here and show him and see what his reaction, I'm sure. Before it's all set.

[Melissa]

Yeah.

[Bert]

He's scared of your balls.

[Phil Turano]

Yeah.

[Bert]

I don't doubt it.

[Melissa]

You should, if you get a chance using your racket, or you don't have to use your racket, but you should try to hit Phil in the face with your balls.

[Phil Turano]

Hit Phil in the face with my balls?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Phil Turano]

Nah, he would enjoy that way too much.

[Melissa Carter]

Thanks for coming out there, Mike.

[Bert]

We appreciate it, man.

[Phil Turano]

All right, thanks. I'll get you back over.

[Melissa]

You remember when we used to interview. What was his name? The tennis player from Georgia. He used to be out with us all the time.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Oh, he dated Mandy Moore.

[Melissa Carter]

Yes.

[Melissa]

No, that was Andy Roddick. No, Andy Roddick's friend.

[Podcast Host Julie Koehler]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Brian.

[Bert]

Brian. Not Gnipri, dude. Who? No, not Robbie Gianpri.

[Melissa]

Brian.

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Melissa]

Vivaldi Vandicamp. Brie Vanderkamp.

[Bert]

I can't believe we can't remember his name.

[Melissa]

What is it? Thank you.

[Bert]

Thank you, Jen.

[Melissa]

I don't know why that escaped me, but anyways, so we used to talk to Brian Vahely, and we'd have him on, and I could never think of a tennis joke. And I realized the reason there are no tennis jokes is because tennis people are way too aggressive and not funny.

[Bert]

That guy was ready to kick my ass.

[Melissa]

Hey, he was bowing up to you, Bert.

[Bert]

He was. Man, you would come down here. I bet265.5 times yesterday I kicked your ass.

[Melissa Carter]

Well, he also brought his tennis racket. I'm not sure what he's going to do with it, but he's gonna spank Phil. He's got his racket for, I guess, Phil's birthday today, so he gets a little spanking. Also, I do want to mention that for the first time this year, we actually have spectators.

[Bert]

Oh, really?

[Melissa Carter]

So, yeah, so we have Claire and Lauren and Holly and. No, there's a he. No, there's a guy trying to be a spectator, and he's too broad and big and muscular. He's got to come out and. But yes.

[Melissa]

Well, maybe he can play.

[Melissa Carter]

People watching Phil get his butt kicked.

[Melissa]

Maybe instead of being a spectator, that the guy who's hanging out is feeling a little uncomfortable, can just hold the other guy's balls in his racket.

[Melissa Carter]

If there were crickets out here at Piedmont park right now.

[Bert]

Do you know how many requests got from virtual listeners yesterday that want that as their ringtone?

[Melissa]

Now, did you get my David Hasselhoff.

[Bert]

Yeah, the David Hasselhoff. And also this. What's up?

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, funny.

[Bert]

Okay, Melissa, why don't. Is Phil still on the phone?

[Phil Turano]

Yeah, he's in here.

[Bert]

All right, Phil, why don't you Happy birthday to me. Great way to celebrate. Why don't you explain to everybody exactly how Smear the Queer worked back in the day and how it's going to work here in a couple of seconds.

[Phil Turano]

Well, basically back in the day, I mean, we all played this especially, you know, growing up, all the boys in the neighborhood would get together and you know, playing a prompted game of football or whatever and then it turned into a game of Smear the Queer. You'd have one ball and you'd have. Everybody would kind of circle up and surround and huddle up and you'd throw the ball in the air and whoever caught the ball was the quote unquote queer. And you'd run and basically just get tackled and thrown to the ground and then picked back up. And then the ball would be thrown back up in the air. Whoever caught it again would run, tackle and just keep going until either a somebody got hurt or somebody got called in for dinner. So that's basically how Smear the Queer works. So what we're doing today is just doing twist on it and I'm going to have the ball thrown to me and I'm going to have the brother, large gay men chase me down and tackle me.

[Melissa]

Well, it's not like that hasn't happened before.

[Phil Turano]

Happens every year around this time. Neat.

[Bert]

We call it Smear the straight. And Melissa Carter is down there to give us play by play. Now last year we had elite athletes that were running towards Phil. So we gave him a 10 second head start. I think, I think five seconds is fine this year.

[Melissa Carter]

Yeah, I do too. I think that, you know, Phil's in better shape actually because, you know, he was, you know, shirtless on the web and he worked out and he's doing all this stuff so he doesn't need a 10 second lead. I mean, he's, he's, you know, come on. He's the athlete this time. So he only needs five seconds.

[Melissa]

Are we going to call it the play by play or the play by guy?

[Bert]

Well, you're on a roll today, dude.

[Melissa Carter]

Hang on, let me get my. Oh, wait. The film right now has a pair of black shorts on and a, a yellow sweatshirt. But he's best take his sweatshirt off because every year he always has to have an outfit on that's gonna kind of. I don't instigate anger in the gay people. So this. So this year, he just took. Now he just took his sweatshirt off, and now he's got a T shirt on that says, yum yum. Get you some. That is handwritten on the T shirt. He's got four pink lays around his neck. And then he's got. Why do you fault that?

[Phil Turano]

I was right, baby.

[Melissa Carter]

A red lingerie blouse with fur cuffs. And then he's got a hot pink hat with hurled beads hanging off of it.

[Melissa]

So he's just.

[Melissa Carter]

I guess it's his attempt at being a camp drag queen, but it's not working too well.

[Melissa]

So he's just wearing what he wears up to Wild Bills on Friday night or Thursday nights.

[Melissa Carter]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[Bert]

Sounds like he's going to a Buffett concert to me. All right, let's go ahead and do this. Melissa, you give the countdown, and at this point, it's all yours and Phil's.

[Phil Turano]

Okay.

[Melissa Carter]

All right, well, we have, like I said, the added tennis guys, and then we have our buddy Yogi, who is also here. And Yogi is. So he's here, ready. And Phil's got the football in hand. That's what we brought to toss. So I will. I guess I will toss Phil his football. Phil, give me your ball. Thank you. That's the last time you'll ever hear those words.

[Bert]

And then.

[Melissa Carter]

So, guys, are you all ready?

[Phil Turano]

Hey, Yogi, are you ready to Tennis racket?

[Melissa Carter]

You ready?

[Phil Turano]

You're really gonna run with the tennis racket?

[Melissa Carter]

Holy geez.

[Phil Turano]

We got another person playing now, too. Now we got three.

[Melissa]

I was worried about.

[Bert]

So much darn fun.

[Melissa]

I wouldn't worry about him.

[Melissa Carter]

What's going on now is some of the spectators that were here decided they want to be a part of it, so they're in line. Yeah, we've got several guys here in these. You know how when you're running track and then you kind of bend your knees and you lean forward like you're about to, waiting for the gun to go off? That's what these guys are doing.

[Bert]

Now. Be sure.

[Melissa]

Oh, that guy holding onto that tennis racket, he shouldn't be leaning forward. Tell Phil that.

[Bert]

Be sure.

[Melissa Carter]

You know what? He can handle his tennis rack. Okay, hold on.

[Bert]

Melissa, remind Phil that the way that Smear the Queer used to work was as soon as you got tackled, you basically tossed the ball to somebody else, and the game continued within a split second. So since he is not actually tossing the ball to anybody else, as soon as he's tackled, he's got to get up and start running again. And they got to tackle him again.

[Melissa Carter]

Let me explain that to the guys who didn't hear that. Hey, guys. Now, the way, of course, the old game works is you toss, but we toss the ball to Phil. You tackle him, and then he would toss the ball to someone else and you tackle them. So Phil's the only one being tackled. As soon as you tackle him, he gets up, runs again, you tackle him again. It's a non stop game. It's mere the street.

[Phil Turano]

I'm running. Hell no. I'm not stopping. You can catch me on.

[Melissa Carter]

Peace free. All right, Phil. All right, Phil, you ready?

[Phil Turano]

Y' all ready?

[Bert]

Good luck and Godspeed.

[Phil Turano]

His teacher said, I almost pulled my birthday veto today. I swear to God, I went back and forth with Jeff to see if I could pull my veto and get you down here to do it this year.

[Melissa Carter]

I think you're just. I think you're just delaying the inevitable. Phil, how about you just stop your jawing and get ready to get smeared?

[Bert]

Yeah. Shut your pants.

[Melissa Carter]

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give Phil the ball and he's gonna hit a five second lead. And then as the cue for you guys is the phrase that's on his T shirt, which I'll yell, is when you're ready to start. So, Bill, 1, 2, 3, go.

[Phil Turano]

I'm running, I'm running. Here we go.

[Melissa Carter]

And guys, yum, yum. Get you some.

[Phil Turano]

Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Oh, hell. Let me describe what I'm. Oh, God. Are you. Oh, Jesus. Oh, this dude is on me. Oh, damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Oh, God.

[Bert]

Oh, God.

[Phil Turano]

Here he goes. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Melissa Carter]

He lost his hat in the process, and now he's getting birthday spankings from all the guys.

[Phil Turano]

Get the hell off of me. Wait a minute. Y' all still there?

[Bert]

Yeah.

[Melissa Carter]

Okay, wait, I gotta. So now the added tennis league is using their rackets to give him a birthday spanking.

[Bert]

What did he say?

[Phil Turano]

Here we go. I'm gonna do it again. Somebody throw the ball to me one more time. One more time.

[Melissa]

You sure you wanna be running around Piedmont park and Pride weekend saying, give.

[Bert]

Me a ball one more time.

[Melissa]

Yum, yum.

[Podcast Host Julie Koehler]

Get you some.

[Melissa Carter]

Oh, there they go.

[Phil Turano]

Oh. Swear to God, Yogi. I'm kidding. Oh, crap.

[Melissa Carter]

Holy hell. And Yogi. Yeah, straighten him down. Straighten him down.

[Bert]

So they're the official. The official kickoff. Atlanta Pride Week.

[Melissa Carter]

Happy Pride.

[Bert]

Happy Pride. Happy Pride. Everybody be sure Yogi goes easy on him, because Yogi's like a big guy, and he's one of those dudes that doesn't realize how big he is. So when he slaps you on the back or he shakes your hand, you can lose a spleen or crush a couple of fingers.

[Melissa Carter]

So Yogi hates when I call him this, but he's like Mr. Clean. I mean, he's like the Mr. Clean guy.

[Bert]

Well, I. I tell people he's like, he's the character and of Mice and Men. He just doesn't realize how big he is and how strong he is. I will bring Phil home and I will pet him and I will make him mine.

[Phil Turano]

This game is officially retired. I'm done.

[Bert]

Nice job, Phil.

[Melissa Carter]

Happy birthday.

[Bert]

You're on the Vert Show.

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[Bert]

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[Melissa]

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[Podcast Host Julie Koehler]

On his first day back in the White House, Donald Trump signed a controversial executive order stating that there were only two genders, male and female, and that those genders are tied to biological sex. This statement was simple and devastating, and it signaled that the gender backlash had reached a boiling point. I'm Julie Koehler, the host of White Picket Fence. This season, we're examining the many faces of this gender backlash, how it's showing up in our politics and culture. It's a scary time, but it's also a moment for imagination. What becomes possible when we imagine a better future? Subscribe to White Picket Fence. Wherever you listen to podcasts.

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