Vault: Phone Scam - Automated Bank

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Phone Scam - Automated Bank

Episode Date: December 1, 2025
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting | The Bert Show Cast (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy)
Episode Theme:
This episode spotlights one of The Bert Show’s infamous “Phone Scam” segments, where a show cast member poses as a customer, confusing a real-life bank customer service representative by refusing to provide necessary banking details verbally and instead insistently types numbers into their phone keypad. The goal: to see how long the representative can maintain composure while the “customer” acts increasingly clueless about automated vs. live phone support. The tone throughout is irreverent, good-naturedly exasperating, and packed with The Bert Show’s signature humor.

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Main Segment: The Automated Bank Phone Scam

[01:19 – 05:29]

Setup:

• A member of The Bert Show (posing as a confused customer) calls a bank's customer service line for assistance with their checking account.
• The prank centers on misunderstanding how information (like Social Security or account numbers) must be provided to the live representative — refusing to respond verbally, and persistently keying numbers into the phone instead.

Key Discussion Points & Insights:

1. The Relentless Misunderstanding

• The fake customer keeps trying to supply confidential info (like Social Security number and account details) by pressing numbers on the phone, despite explicit instructions from the customer service rep that this can't be processed by a live person.
• The rep gets increasingly frustrated but remains professional for most of the call.

2. Highlighting Call Center Frustrations

• The segment humorously plays on the real struggle and patience required of call center staff dealing with difficult or confused customers.

3. Escalation and Payoff

• Even after the representative repeatedly explains the system, the caller offers alternative info (account number, zip, phone number) but always via keypad, never speaking it aloud.
• The rep tries to redirect the caller to the automated system, which would accept keypresses, but the prankster says, “I don’t like the automated system because it’s too…” (suggesting they find it too complicated or impersonal).
• In the end, the rep finally declares defeat, stating, “Sir, I’m going to disconnect the call. There’s no way I can help you, sir. There’s no way I can help. I am disconnecting the call. Sir.” [04:41]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Verbatim Humor and Exasperation:

• Customer Service Rep’s patience breaking:

  “It doesn’t make any difference how slow you do it, how fast you do it. We do not have the capacity to read your keypad at home.”
  — Customer Service Representative [02:54]

• Caller’s persistent cluelessness:

  "What do you mean verbally? Like with my mouth?"
  — “Customer with Banking Questions” [04:13]

• Rep’s ultimate surrender:

  “Sir, I’m going to disconnect the call. There’s no way I can help you, sir…”
  — Customer Service Representative [04:41]

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:19] – Scam Call Begins: “I have a couple questions regarding my checking account.”
• [01:24 – 02:52] – Struggle over Social Security Number; repeated keypad attempts vs. verbal requests.
• [02:52] – Rep’s patience tested: “It doesn’t matter how slow you do it…”
• [03:20 – 04:13] – More keypad attempts with account, zip, and phone numbers.
• [04:13 – 04:41] – Rep explains what “verbal” means; prepares to disconnect.
• [04:41] – Call ends with rep exasperatedly hanging up.

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Episode Tone & Style

• Humorous, Exaggerated, Lighthearted: The prank operates on a classic comedy premise: willful misunderstanding and deadpan insistence in the face of reason.
• Relatable: Anyone who’s called customer service can relate to the rep’s mounting frustration and the universal struggle between automated and human help systems.

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Final Thoughts

This “Vault” phone scam episode embodies the fun, mischievous spirit of The Bert Show, offering a lighthearted escape via old-fashioned radio shenanigans. The segment is a reminder of both the patience required of modern customer service representatives and the simple genius of a well-constructed prank call.

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No actual bank or customer data was used. Advertisements, intro, and outro are excluded from this summary for clarity and focus.

Transcript

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[Customer with Banking Questions]

I have a couple questions regarding my checking account.

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[Customer Service Representative]

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[Customer Service Representative]

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[Customer with Banking Questions]

Social Security number first.

[Customer Service Representative]

If I could have your Social Security number, please.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Oh, yeah.

[Customer Service Representative]

Yeah. But, sir, that doesn't come through to us. In other words, you've got to give it to me verbally. It we don't get. We. That isn't transact. I mean, it doesn't come through. It would if you did. The automated system.

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[Customer with Banking Questions]

That didn't come through.

[Customer Service Representative]

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[Customer with Banking Questions]

All right, hold on.

[Customer Service Representative]

Sir, apparently you're not understanding me. You have to give it to me verbally. I can put you through to the automated system. And the automated system is set up that it can take your telephone, however you put it in from your keypad. But you can't do it talking to court, talking to someone live.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Okay, now what do you need?

[Customer Service Representative]

I need your Social Security number.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Okay.

[Customer Service Representative]

Sir, you have to give it to me verbally. I cannot pick it up from your phone.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

All Right, hold on. I'll do it slower.

[Customer Service Representative]

No, it doesn't. You can't do it slower. Sir. Sir. Sarah, it doesn't make any difference how slow you do it, how fast you do it. We do not have the capacity to read your keypad at home.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Did you get it?

[Customer Service Representative]

No. Speaking with a banker. I can put you through to the automated system. That's no problem.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

I don't like the automated system because it's too.

[Customer Service Representative]

Yes, but in. I don't know what you're doing. You're putting stuff in. In your phone keypad. That does not. That does not come through to us.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Can you look it up with the account number?

[Customer Service Representative]

I can look it up. I can look it up with your Social Security number. You're gonna have to tell me what it is.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Well, how about the account number? Can you use that?

[Customer Service Representative]

What is the account number? Sir?

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Sir, did you get it?

[Customer Service Representative]

It. I can't do it by you putting it in on your keypad. I cannot. It does not come through to us. You have to give it to me verbally.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

What about zip code?

[Customer Service Representative]

That. It doesn't do any good. Sir.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Telephone number you've got.

[Customer Service Representative]

Sarah, I'm sorry. I can't help you. I mean, you're going to have. If you. If you're not going to give it to me verbally, then there's nothing I can do to help you. I can put you through to the automated system.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

What do you mean verbally? Like with my mouth?

[Customer Service Representative]

Yes, Sir. I have no idea what you're saying.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

Can you do it by zip code?

[Customer Service Representative]

That doesn't. Sir, that does. You've got to tell me either what your account number is by giving me the number.

[Customer with Banking Questions]

The account number is.

[Customer Service Representative]

I'm sorry, I can't help you. Sir, you're talking to me. I need the information from you. I can't take it from you keying it into your keypad or. I can't. I don't get that. Sir. Sir, I'm. I'm afraid this conversation. Sir, this conversation is. Sir, I'm going to just. I'm going to disconnect the call. There's no way I can help you, sir. There's no way I can help. I am disconnecting the call. Sir.

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1 min remaining stories from the inmates Wherever you get your podcasts from.