Vault: Premarital Counseling Stories

Summary

The Bert Show – Vault: Premarital Counseling Stories

Date: January 29, 2026
Host: The Bert Show Crew (Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, et al.)

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into real-life stories of premarital counseling, exploring how structured conversations about marriage can clarify – or complicate – couples’ readiness for commitment. Listeners call in to share anecdotes where counseling was an eye-opener, sometimes even derailing wedding plans. The episode is lively, authentic, and blends humor with surprisingly deep moments.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Premarital Counseling Before Official Engagement

• [00:05] The episode opens with a story about Alison, who hasn’t been officially engaged yet because she and her partner want to get through pre-engagement counseling first, even though their wedding is already planned.

2. Stephanie’s Cautionary Tale: “We were divorced in eight months.”

• [00:36] Stephanie calls in with a retrospective account: she and her partner, after living together for four years, did premarital counseling as a formality.
• [01:03] The counseling was an intense, immersive two-day event with "all day classes" and compatibility quizzes, focusing on core beliefs—especially about family and religion.
  • Memorable Quote:

    “You think you know what’s going on. Apparently, we didn’t, because it didn’t go over so well.” – Stephanie [01:30]

• [01:52] Stephanie highlights religious differences (Catholic vs. Baptist) as a dealbreaker that only surfaced during counseling.
• [02:22] Both realized their incompatibility, but were too deep into plans (including a destination wedding in Germany) to call it off.

3. Personality Tests as a Marriage Prep Tool

• [03:07] The host reflects on his own experience:
  • He and wife Stacey did personality tests in Dallas that revealed they were both “spenders,” which at least helped them anticipate future marital challenges.
  • This identification process didn’t change their relationship but fostered self-awareness.

4. Margaret’s Unexpected Counselor Advice

• [03:56] Margaret shares that her counselor directly advised against marriage after a relatively minor argument about wedding invitations.
  • Memorable Quote:

    “Honestly, I just don’t think you two need to get married.” – Counselor, quoted by Margaret [05:10]

• [05:07] Margaret’s reaction was emotional; she cried through the session, but the couple stayed together, ignored the advice, and have been happily married for over a year.
• [06:05] The hosts muse whether the counselor’s 'reverse psychology' technique was a genuine effort or tactic to reinforce couples’ commitment.

5. The Insights and Surprises of Counseling (Ann’s Story)

• [06:27] Ann, another caller, describes Catholic premarital counseling as a requirement — and the statistic that “40% of people that come in end up not getting married by the end of it.”
  • Memorable Quote:

    “It is amazing how much you don’t know... Even after six years living together, stuff comes up.” – Ann [06:53]

• [07:31] Even after extensive cohabitation, counseling surfaced unexpected disagreements (e.g., where to live, when to have kids), reaffirming the importance of revisiting major topics as circumstances change.

6. When Counselors Are Blunt – and Biased (Melissa & Margaret’s Story)

• [08:34] Margaret/Melissa encountered serious pushback from a church counselor because of a faith difference: as a Buddhist, she was told she “had no business marrying a Christian” and was accused of a “cult religion.”
  • Memorable Quote:

    “They basically told me I was part of a cult religion and that I really had no business marrying a Christian.” – Margaret [08:46]

• [09:17] Despite the lack of support, Margaret attended church and Bible study with her partner and remained open, methodically blending beliefs for the wedding.

7. The Role of Counselors: Advisors or Gatekeepers?

• [09:48] Hosts express surprise that some counselors act as “judge and jury,” directly telling couples not to marry instead of just pointing out issues.
• [10:00-10:40] Some opinions frame the counselor’s job as flagging red flags (financial habits, number of children, beliefs about family roles), and tallying them up until “the writing is on the wall.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Stephanie [01:30]:

  “We thought we knew... apparently we didn’t, because it didn’t go over so well.”

• Counselor (via Margaret) [05:10]:

  “Honestly, I just don’t think you two need to get married.”

• Ann [06:53]:

  “It is amazing how much you don’t know... Even after six years living together, stuff comes up.”

• Margaret [08:46]:

  “They basically told me I was part of a cult religion and that I really had no business marrying a Christian.”

• Host [09:48]:

  “I didn’t realize the counselor could be judge and jury... This is the first time I’ve heard of counselors going, ‘this is never gonna work.’”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:05 — Alison’s pre-engagement counseling story
• 00:36 — Stephanie’s failed marriage after counseling
• 03:07 — Host’s experience with personality tests
• 03:56 — Margaret’s counselor told them not to marry
• 06:27 — Ann on Catholic counseling and that “40%” breakup stat
• 08:34 — Margaret: religious bias in counseling
• 09:48 — Hosts debate whether counselors should veto marriages

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Takeaways

• Premarital counseling can uncover hidden incompatibilities—even for couples who’ve lived together for years.
• Counselors may sometimes take a directive approach, advising couples to split, particularly when major red flags (religion, finance, family planning) surface.
• For some, counseling is validating or clarifying; for others, it is a point of conflict or even bias.
• The biggest insight: Even minor arguments or dormant issues can be magnified in counseling, challenging assumptions about intimacy, compatibility, and long-term partnership.

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Tone: Conversational, candid, irreverent, with moments of vulnerability and humor.
Best for: Anyone intrigued by the human drama of marriage prep, relationship-minded listeners, or those considering counseling themselves.

Transcript

[Birch]

Get it?

[Host]

The bird show. So we were just talking to Alison, who said it's all lined up, just a formality at this point.

[Birch]

Yeah, she's gonna get married. They've already got a wedding date. They've got the church book, the reception plan. She's coming to Filene's and getting in a little bit early to find her wedding dress. But they're not officially engaged yet because they're going through some sort of pre engagement counseling.

[Host]

So my question is this. Has anybody done the same thing? And then after you met with the counselor or the priest or whatever, you just decided this is never going to work? Just three days ago, we thought we were perfect for each other. And I don't even know who you are. Good morning, Stephanie, you're on Q100.

[Stephanie]

Good morning, guys. I went through these classes. We actually had our wedding planned in Germany. His family were. They were German. So we had all this planned, actually went through the classes and I knew immediately, oh, my God, this is not. This is never going to fly. So we went ahead and got married and we're divorced in eight months.

[Birch]

So what was it about the counseling that made you feel like this is so not right?

[Stephanie]

Well, they take you to. I mean, you go to. I don't even remember exactly where we were. It's been, you know, several, several years ago, but we had to spend the night and, you know, you sleep in separate rooms and they do like all day classes and they give you all these different tests and just different questions on what you agree on about how to raise family. And it's just a very intense two day thing. And I just knew that we had a lot of very different views, so.

[Host]

And none of that was discussed before you went in there?

[Stephanie]

Well, I mean, I don't know. We lived together for four years, so we kind of thought we knew. When you're someone with someone that long, you think you know what's going on.

[Host]

Sure.

[Stephanie]

Apparently we didn't because it didn't. Didn't go over so well.

[Birch]

So what I'm just curious, like, the specifics, like, what kind of ways to raise a family? Like, was it like a spanking conversation or was it like a religious difference?

[Stephanie]

More religious, I think.

[Birch]

Religion?

[Ann]

Yeah.

[Stephanie]

He was Catholic and I was Baptist, so I was actually going through the convert. And, you know, nothing against them, I just. It just wasn't the way I was raised. So it was kind of weird for me and I just kind of freaked out at the end there.

[Caller/Commentator]

Okay.

[Host]

And was it. Could you sort of like slowly feel during the whole sessions that it was slipping away. So there really didn't have to be just one person approaching the other one. You just both sort of knew that this is never going to work.

[Stephanie]

Yeah, I think we both knew that. But like I said, we had so much planned, and it was in Germany. I mean, all my family, we'd already bought tickets. You know, we were. I mean, we were going. It was done. And we never in a million years dream that we were not going to really like each other after it was over.

[Host]

I bet.

[Caller/Commentator]

Right? I am so fascinated that you lived together for four years, went through counseling, and that was almost like the catalyst. And then marriage was so different. You know, I'm fascinated by that.

[Stephanie]

We live together. We were in Florida, in St. Pete, and I don't know, we had a lot of friends. We were always doing fun stuff, and, you know, life was pretty much a big party, I guess. And then when we moved here to Georgia, it was, you know, we didn't have our friends, and it was really just him and I, and we really, I guess, didn't know each other at all. So it was pretty disappointing.

[Host]

Wow. Thank you very much for calling. Appreciate it.

[Stephanie]

No problem. You guys have a great day.

[Caller/Commentator]

You, too.

[Host]

Stacey and I, it wasn't necessarily pretty marriage counseling, but we went to a place in Dallas where we took different personality tests, and it was specific for marriage, telling you who was strong in what area, who was weak in the other area. So you go into the relationship knowing, for instance, who the spender is, who the saver is. Unfortunately, we're both spenders, and you can just identify them before you get into the marriage. And I think it did help us change anything, but sure did identify it.

[Caller/Commentator]

Right.

[Host]

Good morning. Q100.

[Stephanie]

Hi.

[Host]

Hi. Who's this?

[Stephanie]

Ann.

[Margaret]

Margaret.

[Host]

What's going on?

[Ann]

Ann.

[Stephanie]

Margaret, how are you?

[Host]

Good.

[Birch]

I love a double name.

[Caller/Commentator]

I know. I love it.

Let me guess. You're from the South.

[Margaret]

I'm very much from the South.

[Host]

Our neighbor is Mary Charlotte. I love that. Isn't that great? What's up?

[Margaret]

We actually went to premarital counseling, and the counselor told us not to get married.

[Host]

Wow.

[Margaret]

We had gone. Well, my husband had been married before, so he felt like we needed to do this just to kind of get anything out in the air that needed to be just in case. And so we set up this premarital counseling, got a reference through our church. Only went a couple times. And I felt like the counselor just wanted to kind of get to know us. So we spent a couple sessions just the first session, we talked about me and my family and my background. The second session, we talked about him and his family and his background. And so then the third session, we go in and we just had an argument about the invitations. We went into the session, she goes, what do you guys want to talk about today? And we said, well, actually, we just had an argument about the invitations.

[Caller/Commentator]

What's your take on it now? Did you say, actually, we'd like to speak about the invitations, or did somebody say, yeah, I'll tell you what I want to talk about. I want to talk about the GD invitations, and I want to talk about calligraphy versus just regular block print. Anybody else want to talk about that?

[Margaret]

Basically, we kind of just looked at each other, and we were like, well, actually, we just had an argument what we want your take on it. And so we went through the whole deal about it, and, you know, we're both very calm. And she pauses really long, and she's like, honestly, I just don't think you two need to get married. And we're, like, both shocked. We're like, really? We just had an argument about the invitations. It's not like we hate each other or anything. And so then she goes into this whole thing about, you know, he doesn't have a stable job and I'm not going to have a stable job, and we're going to get a divorce in six months, so we just need to hold off on our wedding. And I'm six months prior to getting married to this guy, and so I just cry the whole hour. And then we walk outside and I.

[Ann]

Go, do you still love me?

[Margaret]

And of course he said, yes. And I said, will you still marry me? And of course he said yes. And we never went back.

[Host]

And you're married now.

[Margaret]

We've been married a year and a half, and everything's just peachy. And we got the invitations that we wanted.

[Caller/Commentator]

So maybe her. Was it a she or he.

[Stephanie]

It was a she.

[Caller/Commentator]

Maybe her tactic was that's how marriages work. Like, to make you so defined. Oh, you don't think we're going to be able to get married? Oh, we can still get married. Like, you know, like. Well, I don't think you should get married, because you know what? He's in an unstable job. You're not going to get a job. You're going to be divorced. Who cares? And probably has a better success rate of marriage and her clients because she makes him mad.

[Host]

It's not that uncommon. Right. Rebecca, what's up?

[Stephanie]

Hey.

[Host]

Hi.

[Ann]

I'm Just calling to say that, yeah, we had to go through the premarital. It's. It's required for Catholics to even be considered being married. And I mean, we had an okay time with it. I mean, my counselor wasn't like, really just saying that we shouldn't get married or anything, but they also told me that 40% of the people that come in end up not getting married by the end of it.

[Stephanie]

Wow, 40%.

[Ann]

I don't know how accurate that is. And they're just trying to scare you, but that seemed like an awful high number. So I'm like, okay. I mean, they have you take a test and it's. Well, there was a couple options you could do, but we just did the one day, eight hour thing. But it is amazing how much you don't know. I mean, I've been together with my fiance for six years, living together for most of it before we got married. And there was still stuff. I'm like, really, like one example.

[Caller/Commentator]

I'm curious, what comes out after you've been living together for six years. What could possibly be the topic that would make you think, hey, I didn't know that about you.

[Ann]

I mean, it's. You would think these big things like religion and children, like, you think, oh, well, we talked about it and we have, but I don't know if it's through the years you kind of change your mind on things, but then like all of a sudden you just realize, oh, really? You don't, you know, you don't want to be here because we just moved and he didn't want to have kids here. And I'm like, really? And it's just like, I guess it's things that you. I guess within the first year, someone meeting someone, you talk about it, but then it kind of gets pushed back because it's like, oh, well, we already talked about it. But then throughout the years, you just realize, oh, well, that's probably changed.

[Host]

Okay, well, I can understand the changing part.

[Birch]

Yeah. And I think that some things like religion become more important as you get older. When you're young, in love and first mate, you're like, oh, that won't matter. Right.

[Caller/Commentator]

But then, especially if you want to build a family, that's when religion usually starts stepping up again because you want to. You usually start arguing about how you want to raise your kids then.

[Host]

All right, here's last call. Melissa, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Margaret]

Hi, how are you doing?

[Host]

Good, good.

[Stephanie]

Yeah.

[Margaret]

I went to premarital counseling and that ended in January.

[Ann]

And they told us not to get married.

[Host]

Was there one thing that they were pointing to, or was it just a whole bunch of incompatibility?

[Margaret]

We went to it through the church.

[Ann]

And I'm actually Buddhist, and we've known this from the get go, that we're spiritually different. And they basically told me that I was part of a cult religion and that I really had no business marrying a Christian.

[Caller/Commentator]

Wow.

Wow. A cult religion.

That's bold.

[Host]

You think so?

[Caller/Commentator]

Isn't there more Buddhists around the world than Christians?

[Ann]

I'm not sure, honestly. I mean, it's not a United States.

[Caller/Commentator]

But I think it's a close second.

[Birch]

I mean.

[Caller/Commentator]

But yeah, I mean, I certainly wouldn't consider it a cult.

[Host]

No, of course not.

[Caller/Commentator]

And I go to church with him.

[Ann]

And, you know, I read the Bible with him to be, you know, support as I can.

[Stephanie]

And I still want to learn a.

[Ann]

Lot about it, but they didn't care.

[Caller/Commentator]

Wow.

[Host]

So. And everything's fine now.

[Ann]

Yeah, we're getting married actually a week from Friday.

[Host]

Are you having one of those cultish Buddha weddings?

[Ann]

No, I'm very open. And, you know, I actually. Weddings aren't as important to me. So I, you know, was doing the wedding because he wanted it, so we're pretty much doing a Christian wedding, and I'm fine with that, I think.

[Host]

See, I didn't realize that the counselor could, like, be the judge and jury at the end of the thing. I thought that they sort of, like, asked you the questions and put them in front of you, and you sort of, like, made up your own mind. This is the first time I've ever heard of counselors actually going, this is never gonna work.

[Caller/Commentator]

Yeah, they make recommendations. Because what they do at the end of the counseling is that is they tell you on what and where you should work. Like you said, you and Stacey are both spenders. So he probably said during that meeting, all right, you guys gotta watch it. Like, somebody's gonna have to get better at keeping a budget, or else y' all are gonna be in debt in five years or whatever. Right? So he says that, but that's one red flag. But then let's say you want six kids, and Stacy wanted none. And let's say you thought you and Stacy should both work, but she thought the man took care of the family. Eventually enough of those flags is up for the guys.

[Host]

Like, writing's right here.

[Caller/Commentator]

He can tell you to keep a budget and talk about the kids and. But then eventually he's, like, out of fingers.

[Host]

Yeah, he's like, Ah, Writing's on the wall.

[Caller/Commentator]

Just don't do it.

[Birch]

Get it?

[Host]

The Birch Show.