The Bert Show — “Vault: Single Girl Pager” (December 9, 2025)

Host: Pionaire Podcasting

Participants: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Ashley (Single Girl), and various callers

Episode Overview

This classic “Vault” episode from The Bert Show centers on Ashley, a self-described high-maintenance single woman, participating in a radio segment akin to a dating game where eligible bachelors leave voicemails for a possible date with her. The panel dissects Ashley’s unapologetic standards while playfully examining gender expectations and dating culture in Atlanta.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ashley’s High Standards and Honesty

• Ashley’s Introduction (01:36):
  Ashley describes herself as 5’10”, dark hair, blue eyes, and insists on a man “over 6 foot 2," well-dressed, who “can flaunt his money," pamper her, and show her a good time.

  • “I do have to be pampered. I do have to be taken out. I do have to be shown a good time or else, you know, what’s the point?” — Ashley (01:54)

• Panel’s Reaction:
  The hosts react with a mixture of amusement and disbelief, but Melissa points out the double standard between private expectations and public honesty:

  • “I’ve heard women say the same thing she has said in private conversations... She knows what she wants. And I’m telling you, there’s a lot of women in Atlanta who are after the very same thing every Friday and Saturday night.” — Melissa (02:05)

2. Listener Call-ins and Racial Dynamics

• “Down with the Swirl?” (03:38):
  A caller, John, asks bluntly if Ashley dates Black men. She declines, sparking quick banter about the phrase and some self-deprecating jokes.
  • “You down with the swirl?” — John (03:42)
  • “No, I’m sorry.” — Ashley (03:49)
  • “Glad I learned that because I would be liable to say, yeah, I’m down with the swirl, and end up dating a black guy.” — Panel (03:08)

3. The Suitor Voicemails: Dating as a Transaction

Ashley’s criteria filter out many men, so Bert reveals she received only four voicemails — far fewer than usual:

• “Normally, we are inundated by phone calls...dozens and dozens, if not hundreds. Well, you got four calls yesterday.” — Bert (03:47, 03:58)

The Four Bachelors (04:16–08:12)

Chad

• 19 years old, at UGA hoping to become a doctor, parents are wealthy, owns two cars (Altima, Mustang), 6'0".
  • Ashley’s reaction: “The thing that bothered me about him is he’s only 6ft tall… I can’t wear most of my shoes around him.” (05:00)

Randy (the Firefighter)

• 22, leaves little information.
  • Ashley’s reaction: “Maybe if the fireman had left a better description of himself that would have been better… what he drives…” (05:35)

William (“the High Roller”)

• 25, claims to be a true millionaire, lives in Buckhead high-rise, dines out nightly, owns a Hummer and a BMW M3, “boats, jet skis, all the toys."
  • “If you’re looking for that guy who’ll drop four, five, six hundred dollars a night, have a good time…” — William (06:24)
  • Ashley and panel: Amused and obviously interested, joking about “shopping trips.” (06:57)

Frank

• Self-deprecating, “don’t work out enough,” “don’t really make much money,” “smells good.”
  • Considered comic relief; familiarity among the cast and Ashley.

Panel's Banter

• “Every woman has to think… that a man in uniform is sexy.” — Ashley (07:08)
• “UPS drivers in their truck are sitting taller right now.” — Panel (07:27)

4. Final Choices and On-Air Chemistry

• Unanimous Pick: William, the “baller,” is the obvious choice.

  • “Definitely the guy with the cars, all right?” — Ashley (08:39)

• Ashley’s Second Choice:

  • For a “nice guy” option, maybe Randy, the firefighter, but ultimately money and lifestyle trump kindness and uniform.
  • “You don’t want nice. You told us!” — Bert (09:08)

5. Calling William — The Big Reveal

• William joins on-air (09:28):

  • Clarifies he owns part of the world’s largest tow truck manufacturing company.
    • “Actually, I own part of a company, but we are the world’s largest tow truck manufacturing company.” — William (09:57)
    • Jokes about owning “Tonka.”
  • Drives an H2 Hummer (“pewter” color).
  • Admits to mostly dating high-maintenance women:
    • “Tend to. I mean, you know, a lot of times you meet somebody and there’s plenty of high maintenance people out there. I’m not low maintenance myself.” (10:52)
  • Not looking for anything serious; matches Ashley’s “just for fun” approach.

• Tow Truck Convention Banter (11:16):

  • “Are there a lot of hot women at tow truck conventions?” — Panel (11:16)
  • “No. Certainly not.” — William (11:23)

• Where will William take Ashley?

  • Ashley suggests seafood; William proposes high-end Atlanta restaurants ("Chops" or "Blue Point").
  • “Take you to the best. The best, damn it. The best for William. The best for Ashley.” — Panel (12:06)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ashley on dating standards:
  “Why lie about it?” (02:35)
• Panel teasing Ashley’s exhaustiveness:
  “Actually. You’re exhausting me.” — Panel (10:35)
• William’s braggadocio:
  “Atlanta’s full of a lot of $40,000 millionaires, but I’m truly the real deal.” (05:51)
• Panel on superficial dating:
  “It’s like Chili’s. Get in, get out, get out with your life.” — (11:10)
• Playful jab on firefighter:
  “Otherwise firefighter will have a bigger hose. I’ll bet.” (09:14)

Timestamped Segment Highlights

• [01:36] Ashley’s self-description and standards
• [02:05] Panel discusses Ashley’s honesty and social double standards
• [03:38] Listener call: “Are you down with the swirl?”
• [04:16–08:12] Voicemail auditions from Chad, Randy, William, and Frank
• [08:39] Ashley selects her date (“Definitely the guy with the cars”)
• [09:28] William joins phone call; reveals tow truck empire
• [10:52] William and Ashley discuss high-maintenance dating
• [11:16] Tow truck convention banter
• [12:02] Date planning — high-end seafood options

Overall Tone and Takeaway

Light-hearted, irreverent, and playfully snarky. The Bert Show crew rib Ashley over her materialistic approach but also applaud her candor. The segment pokes fun at Atlanta’s social scene and the transactional “dating-as-shopping” mentality, ultimately offering Ashley what she wants: a flashy, high-rolling date.

For newcomers:
You’ll leave with a grin — the episode is both a satire of modern dating and a showcase of The Bert Show’s sharp, good-natured chemistry. Ashley is direct, the panel is teasing but fair, and listeners get a candid, unfiltered window into “dating wishlists” that are rarely said aloud.