Vault: Single Girl Pager

Summary

The Bert Show — “Vault: Single Girl Pager” (December 9, 2025)

Host: Pionaire Podcasting

Participants: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, Ashley (Single Girl), and various callers

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Episode Overview

This classic “Vault” episode from The Bert Show centers on Ashley, a self-described high-maintenance single woman, participating in a radio segment akin to a dating game where eligible bachelors leave voicemails for a possible date with her. The panel dissects Ashley’s unapologetic standards while playfully examining gender expectations and dating culture in Atlanta.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Ashley’s High Standards and Honesty

• Ashley’s Introduction (01:36):
  Ashley describes herself as 5’10”, dark hair, blue eyes, and insists on a man “over 6 foot 2," well-dressed, who “can flaunt his money," pamper her, and show her a good time.

  • “I do have to be pampered. I do have to be taken out. I do have to be shown a good time or else, you know, what’s the point?” — Ashley (01:54)

• Panel’s Reaction:
  The hosts react with a mixture of amusement and disbelief, but Melissa points out the double standard between private expectations and public honesty:

  • “I’ve heard women say the same thing she has said in private conversations... She knows what she wants. And I’m telling you, there’s a lot of women in Atlanta who are after the very same thing every Friday and Saturday night.” — Melissa (02:05)

2. Listener Call-ins and Racial Dynamics

• “Down with the Swirl?” (03:38):
  A caller, John, asks bluntly if Ashley dates Black men. She declines, sparking quick banter about the phrase and some self-deprecating jokes.
  • “You down with the swirl?” — John (03:42)
  • “No, I’m sorry.” — Ashley (03:49)
  • “Glad I learned that because I would be liable to say, yeah, I’m down with the swirl, and end up dating a black guy.” — Panel (03:08)

3. The Suitor Voicemails: Dating as a Transaction

Ashley’s criteria filter out many men, so Bert reveals she received only four voicemails — far fewer than usual:

• “Normally, we are inundated by phone calls...dozens and dozens, if not hundreds. Well, you got four calls yesterday.” — Bert (03:47, 03:58)

The Four Bachelors (04:16–08:12)

Chad

• 19 years old, at UGA hoping to become a doctor, parents are wealthy, owns two cars (Altima, Mustang), 6'0".
  • Ashley’s reaction: “The thing that bothered me about him is he’s only 6ft tall… I can’t wear most of my shoes around him.” (05:00)

Randy (the Firefighter)

• 22, leaves little information.
  • Ashley’s reaction: “Maybe if the fireman had left a better description of himself that would have been better… what he drives…” (05:35)

William (“the High Roller”)

• 25, claims to be a true millionaire, lives in Buckhead high-rise, dines out nightly, owns a Hummer and a BMW M3, “boats, jet skis, all the toys."
  • “If you’re looking for that guy who’ll drop four, five, six hundred dollars a night, have a good time…” — William (06:24)
  • Ashley and panel: Amused and obviously interested, joking about “shopping trips.” (06:57)

Frank

• Self-deprecating, “don’t work out enough,” “don’t really make much money,” “smells good.”
  • Considered comic relief; familiarity among the cast and Ashley.

Panel's Banter

• “Every woman has to think… that a man in uniform is sexy.” — Ashley (07:08)
• “UPS drivers in their truck are sitting taller right now.” — Panel (07:27)

4. Final Choices and On-Air Chemistry

• Unanimous Pick: William, the “baller,” is the obvious choice.

  • “Definitely the guy with the cars, all right?” — Ashley (08:39)

• Ashley’s Second Choice:

  • For a “nice guy” option, maybe Randy, the firefighter, but ultimately money and lifestyle trump kindness and uniform.
  • “You don’t want nice. You told us!” — Bert (09:08)

5. Calling William — The Big Reveal

• William joins on-air (09:28):

  • Clarifies he owns part of the world’s largest tow truck manufacturing company.
    • “Actually, I own part of a company, but we are the world’s largest tow truck manufacturing company.” — William (09:57)
    • Jokes about owning “Tonka.”
  • Drives an H2 Hummer (“pewter” color).
  • Admits to mostly dating high-maintenance women:
    • “Tend to. I mean, you know, a lot of times you meet somebody and there’s plenty of high maintenance people out there. I’m not low maintenance myself.” (10:52)
  • Not looking for anything serious; matches Ashley’s “just for fun” approach.

• Tow Truck Convention Banter (11:16):

  • “Are there a lot of hot women at tow truck conventions?” — Panel (11:16)
  • “No. Certainly not.” — William (11:23)

• Where will William take Ashley?

  • Ashley suggests seafood; William proposes high-end Atlanta restaurants ("Chops" or "Blue Point").
  • “Take you to the best. The best, damn it. The best for William. The best for Ashley.” — Panel (12:06)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Ashley on dating standards:
  “Why lie about it?” (02:35)
• Panel teasing Ashley’s exhaustiveness:
  “Actually. You’re exhausting me.” — Panel (10:35)
• William’s braggadocio:
  “Atlanta’s full of a lot of $40,000 millionaires, but I’m truly the real deal.” (05:51)
• Panel on superficial dating:
  “It’s like Chili’s. Get in, get out, get out with your life.” — (11:10)
• Playful jab on firefighter:
  “Otherwise firefighter will have a bigger hose. I’ll bet.” (09:14)

---

Timestamped Segment Highlights

• [01:36] Ashley’s self-description and standards
• [02:05] Panel discusses Ashley’s honesty and social double standards
• [03:38] Listener call: “Are you down with the swirl?”
• [04:16–08:12] Voicemail auditions from Chad, Randy, William, and Frank
• [08:39] Ashley selects her date (“Definitely the guy with the cars”)
• [09:28] William joins phone call; reveals tow truck empire
• [10:52] William and Ashley discuss high-maintenance dating
• [11:16] Tow truck convention banter
• [12:02] Date planning — high-end seafood options

---

Overall Tone and Takeaway

Light-hearted, irreverent, and playfully snarky. The Bert Show crew rib Ashley over her materialistic approach but also applaud her candor. The segment pokes fun at Atlanta’s social scene and the transactional “dating-as-shopping” mentality, ultimately offering Ashley what she wants: a flashy, high-rolling date.

---

For newcomers:
You’ll leave with a grin — the episode is both a satire of modern dating and a showcase of The Bert Show’s sharp, good-natured chemistry. Ashley is direct, the panel is teasing but fair, and listeners get a candid, unfiltered window into “dating wishlists” that are rarely said aloud.

Transcript

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[D]

Purchased the Bird show on the Single Girl pager. If you missed this yesterday, Ashley came in here and she was very very honest with us. Kind of got beat up a little bit, but a lot of listeners came to rescue also. But this is what Ashley was talking about, what she's looking for and what she's all about also. So Ashley, tell us a little bit about yourself.

[B]

I guess about myself. I'm 5 10, dark hair, blue eyes. I definitely need a tall guy over 6 foot 2 probably he needs to be well dressed, be able to take me out to eat at maybe Dante's. Well I mean I want a guy to flaunt his money around me. I do have to be pampered. I do have to be taken out. I do have to be shown a good time or else, you know, what's the point.

[D]

So like a lot of people were taken back by that but Melissa was sticking up for you this morning when we were having conversations also.

[E]

Well, I mean, just the fact that. Of our honesty. I mean, because I have heard women say the exact same thing that she has said in private conversations. And those are some of the women that will call up and get mad at her. Now, like I said yesterday, I may not agree with her with what she feels, but she's honest about what she feels. She knows what she wants. And I'm telling you, there's a lot of women in Atlanta who are after the very same. Same thing every Friday and Saturday night.

[D]

And you're no different than theirs. Was your point yesterday?

[B]

Exactly.

[D]

You're just being honest about it.

[B]

Why lie about it?

[D]

Hey, John, you're on all the hits Q100.

[C]

Hey, what's going on? I want to know if. If she's down with the swirl.

[D]

You down with the swirl?

[B]

What's the swirl?

[D]

Do you know what the swirl is?

[B]

Do you mean, do I date black guys?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I'm sorry.

[C]

Oh, man, that's cool. All right.

[D]

All right. Thanks for calling down with the Swirl.

[E]

Down with the Swirl.

[A]

I have to write that down?

[D]

She knew.

[B]

Cool.

[D]

She knew.

[F]

It's called down with the Swirl.

[D]

I haven't been black in a very long time.

[E]

I thought you were crunk. I thought you'd know these kind of things. Down with the Swirl.

[F]

I'm glad I learned that because I would be liable to say, yeah, I'm down with the swirl, and end up dating a black guy.

I'm glad I know that.

[D]

So Ashley came on with this yesterday and was very, very honest. Look, she's looking for a guy that's got a lot of money. She's looking for a guy that has a nice car. She's looking for a guy that's going to treat her right at least for 24 hours.

[B]

That Tyler guy sounded pretty nice.

[D]

Did he?

[B]

I don't know what he looks like.

[D]

His name was Tyler?

[B]

I think so. He was the one that called before.

[E]

We wrapped up the conversation with Ashley yesterday. Drove the Mercedes.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Either he didn't call back and leave a message, or he didn't make the cut list. And when I say the cut list, I have to be honest with you, Ashley.

[B]

You guys made a cut list for me?

[D]

Well, normally. Normally we are inundated. Inundated by phone calls and guys that are leaving messages. I mean dozens and dozens, if not hundreds.

[B]

Well, I have high standards.

[D]

Okay. Well, you got four calls yesterday.

[B]

Oh, wow. Well, that was more than I was expecting.

[D]

I thought you'd get more than that. To be honest with you, I really wasn't. Okay, well, let me play for you the messages that we got yesterday for you. And you can pick which one of the four you want to go out with. Okay.

[B]

All right.

[D]

This is Chad.

[C]

Hey, Ashley, what's going on? My name's chad. I am 19 years old. A little bit younger than you, but. Oh, that's cool. I actually really don't have any money, but my parents do. Pretty loaded.

Two cars have a 2003 Altima and then I also have a 2003 Mustang Cobra, fully loaded. It's really nice. I'm actually going to UGA right now. Studying to be a doctor. Hopefully one day. I don't know. If you're interested, give me a call. You can reach me at 6, 7, 8.

Pretty good looking. I am 6 foot. I have black hair and blue eyes. So let's talk.

End of message.

[D]

Any interest there at all? Does that pique your interest a little bit?

[B]

We'll put him on hold. The thing that bothered me about him is he's only 6ft tall. That's what, like 2 inches taller than me? I can't wear shoes or she can't wear most of my shoes around him.

[E]

Because she said yesterday she'd like somebody six, three.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Exactly is what she said.

[D]

Okay, here was Randy.

[C]

Hey Ashley, how are you? This may as randy. I'm a 22 year old firefighter. I would love to take you out on a date. So if you would give me a call back 678. Yeah, and I know, I know it's here. End of message.

[D]

Anything there? Feeling any kind of spark there from the fireman?

[B]

Well, maybe if the fireman had left a better description of himself that would have been better because.

[E]

Meaning what he drives and what he drives.

[D]

Fire truck, Big red truck.

[F]

Hey, I'm fireman. Why don't you give me a call?

[D]

Click.

[F]

All right.

[D]

All right, third message.

[C]

Hey, Ashley William. Heard you on the Burt show this morning and certainly might be the type of guy you're looking for. 25 years old, graduated from UGA. Atlanta's full of a lot of $40,000 millionaires, but I'm truly the real deal. Live in a high rise in Buckhead, Eat at fine restaurants seven nights a week. Love to party it up. And as far as the cars go, drive a 2003 Hummer. Drive a 2003 BMW M3. I got the boats, the jet skis, all the toys that are needed to have a good time.

[E]

Look at her light up.

[C]

Anyways, love to have you come out and party with us some night. You know, you're looking for that guy who'll drop, you know, four, five, six hundred dollars a night, have a good time. Then I think you might enjoy hanging out with me.

[F]

Sold.

[C]

Give me a call. 678 here from the west of 9. You're.

[F]

You know what, I gotta throw something out there. He's a, he's a true high roller. Then he's invested in a 404 number. I mean he's got 6, 7, 8.

[D]

He's a rich guy. That's not image conscious.

[F]

I'm sorry, I'm cell phone prejudice now.

[D]

Did that make you tingle anywhere?

[B]

That'd be pretty cool.

[F]

Like in the purse.

[B]

Well, I wonder if he'd take me shopping.

[D]

Sounds like he's got the cash to do it. Probably more so than the fireman.

[E]

Probably more so than the 19 year old.

[B]

I mean every, every woman has to think, or at least a majority of women I think, think that a man in uniform is sexy.

[D]

Even a poor guy in a uniform.

[E]

If he did a firefighter uniform. I mean when he left that message I could just, could imagine how many women in Atlanta like, huh, that's enough for them.

[F]

UPS drivers in their truck are sitting taller right now.

[D]

That's right. Go brown.

[F]

What's up?

[B]

Alright.

[D]

And here's the fourth message.

[C]

Hey, what's up? Actually, this is Frank.

I heard you on the radio this morning. I'm about 5 foot 10. I don't work out enough and I really, really don't make much money. But you sounded hot and.

I don't know, you can call me in the morning. 404-741. Val for a series. No. Smells good, I guess.

[F]

Hey, the good news is about that guy is I think I know him. And he wears heels.

[B]

Yeah, and I think I know him too. And I think I've seen him around. He'd be next door.

[D]

So really what we have here is Chad, the guy that's not rich but his parents are. You've got Randy the firefighter or you have William, who is the dude that's got it all. He's got the car, he's got the jet skis.

[B]

I got no problem. Is there a choice? Do you even have a doubt who she's going to pick? Come on.

[C]

Actually, this is Frank.

[E]

Sorry, Phil.

[D]

You want to make a choice here?

[B]

Definitely the guy with the cars, all right?

[F]

His name's William.

[D]

William, the dude with the cash.

[E]

Just remember it's William. He's probably like a third William something something. The third, Right. He's got four names instead of three.

[F]

Oh, here we go.

[C]

Call him Bill.

[E]

Out of curiosity. Well, no, I'm just curious what your second choice was, Willie. Billy. I doubt he goes by Billy.

[B]

I think for the nice guy thing, I may have gone with a firefighter.

[D]

You don't want nice. You told us.

[E]

Yeah, I asked her which ones you.

[F]

Otherwise firefighter will have a bigger hose. I'll bet.

That one was free. But it'll cost you two drinks to get more.

[D]

William.

[C]

Yes, hello.

[A]

How you doing?

[D]

Hey, it's Bert and Jen and Melissa and Jeff and Ashley calling over at all the hits Q100.

[C]

How you guys doing this morning?

[D]

Good, how are you?

[C]

Oh, I can't complain.

[B]

He's bathing in dollar bills.

[D]

You're gonna be shocked by this, but Ashley picked you for her date.

[C]

Wonderful.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So what exactly do you do but your profession, how do you make this money?

[C]

Actually, I own part of a company, but we are the world's largest tow truck manufacturing company.

[D]

He owns Tonka.

[F]

Just out of curiosity, this has nothing to do with your money, but are you down with the swirl?

[E]

Don't worry about it, William.

[D]

Hey, William, how old a guy are you?

[C]

25.

[D]

25 years old. What kind of car are you cruising.

[F]

Around a tow truck?

[C]

H2.

[D]

An H2.

[B]

What color is it? That's. That's important.

[D]

Good God. It's not enough that he has an H2. You want to know what color is?

[B]

No, it's not the most important thing, but.

[D]

But it's up there.

[E]

Actually. You're exhausting me.

[C]

If it was yellow, she'd probably hang up. No, it's pewter.

[B]

Pewter. Pewter. Pewter. Cool.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

That's a poor. That's a rich man. Silver.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So let me ask William a question real quick.

[E]

Do you normally date high maintenance women like Ashley?

[C]

Haven't passed. Tend to. I mean, you know, a lot of times you meet somebody and there's plenty of high maintenance people out there. I'm not low maintenance myself.

[B]

For sure.

[D]

You gotta be in the same boat that she's in, right? You're not looking for anything serious. You're looking just to have a good time for 24 hours. And you're looking to spend money on somebody and she's just looking for somebody to spend money on her.

[F]

It's like Chili's. Get in, get out, get out with your life.

[C]

Go in and have a good time.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

Awesome.

[F]

Hey, let me ask you a question. In this, you know, Ashley aside, let's say are There a lot of hot women at tow truck conventions?

[C]

No. Certainly not.

[D]

Did he say tow truck?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, okay. I thought he said toys.

[B]

That's what I thought he said.

[D]

Okay, tow truck.

[F]

No, tow truck.

[D]

Oh, I gotcha.

[F]

Okay, now you see why nobody laughed at your Tonka reference?

[E]

I thought the Tonka thing. Still funny.

[D]

Okay. I mean, I guess it could refer to.

[E]

You did good.

[D]

All right. All right, William. I'm gonna put you on hold. You have any big plans where you might take her?

[C]

You know, I figured I'd sort of see, you know, what she likes to eat, where she wants to go. I mean, I heard a little bit yesterday. I caught the tail end of it.

[D]

But want to throw a couple of restaurant names out that he can expect to be blowing his wad on?

[B]

I love seafood.

[F]

Sorry?

[B]

Seafood? Yes. I love any and every type of seafood.

[C]

I was thinking probably chops or Blue Point or something like that.

[D]

Take you to the best. The best, damn it. The best for William. The best for Ashley.

[F]

She wants to go shopping, too. Are you cool with that?

She wasn't kidding.

[B]

That's maybe the second date.

[E]

Yeah, not on the first day, right?

[B]

Exactly.

[D]

All right, William, I'll put you on hold, and we'll get all your information and we'll give it to Ashley. And I'm sure it'll be an enjoyable night for the both of you.

[E]

Well, I mean, she. Again, she said exactly what she wanted. William responded. Sounds like a good match to me.

[F]

It'll be Ashley and William and the Hummer and blown us wadden.

Have a nice day.

[D]

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