Vault: Telegram to Dead

Summary

The Bert Show: "Vault: Telegram to Dead" (Nov 5, 2025)

Podcast: The Bert Show by Pionaire Podcasting
Episode Main Theme:
This episode delivers a hilarious and thought-provoking deep-dive into one man’s offbeat, entrepreneurial attempt to bridge the gap between the living and the dead—by way of paid telegrams delivered by terminally ill “messengers” after they pass away. The cast’s good-natured roasting, genuine curiosity, and probing of ethical and metaphysical dilemmas turn a bizarre business pitch into a lively exploration of grief, gullibility, and creative (if questionable) ways to make a buck.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Introduction: Bizarre Invention Pitch (01:44)

• Birch introduces Paul, a man who claims to have a trillion-dollar idea: afterlife telegrams.
• Paul's Pitch: For $5 per word (five-word minimum), you can compose a message to a deceased loved one. Paul’s only “messenger” is a terminally ill acquaintance who promises (upon death) to deliver these messages to those who’ve passed on.

Notable Quote:

“For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away... we will give that telegram to a terminally ill person. They will memorize it word for word, and when they pass away, it's their job to go deliver that message.” — Paul (02:36)

2. The Skeptical Roast: Reality VS. Fantasy (03:14–06:46)

• The co-hosts are equal parts fascinated and incredulous.
• They relentlessly probe practicalities:
  • Supply Side: Only one “messenger” so far, who’s a family friend.
  • Demand Side: No actual customers ("None so far", Paul sheepishly admits).
• Price was initially $10/word, cut to $5 in a "grand opening special," but still no takers.

Memorable Moment:

“It's the postmortem pony express.” — Co-host 1 (05:46)

“How do we get a receipt?” — Birch (08:52)

3. Laughing Through the Logistics (04:56–06:46)

• The hosts challenge the chain of delivery: what happens when the original messenger dies? How do you recruit new "delivery people?"
• Paul admits the process for finding new messengers isn't worked out, and that only terminally ill volunteers can apply via his website.

Notable Exchange:

Birch: “So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven...” (06:37)

Paul: “They can slip a message through those little round holes...” (06:42)

4. Metaphysical Pitfalls (06:46–07:49)

• Hosts raise issues: What if the sender and messenger end up in different afterlife destinations? (Heaven, hell, purgatory, or reincarnation.)
• Paul’s tongue-in-cheek contingency plan is to hope you can “visit someone in prison,” i.e., visit across afterlife boundaries.

Notable Quote:

“One of them was reincarnation. I mean, what happens if... by the time the messenger gets there, he's already back on earth and he's a squirrel...” — Paul (07:11)

5. Potential for Misuse and "Verification" (08:24–09:39)

• Call-in listeners question if the service is a scam or a playful novelty.
• Robert presses for proof of delivery; Paul suggests a secret "code word" but admits it's mostly on faith.

Notable Exchange:

Caller Robert: “Do you have confirmation that the message made it to the person?” (08:26)

Paul: “None whatsoever. No. You can't send a response. No.” (08:53)

6. Origin Story and Ethical Challenges (10:02–12:36)

• Paul explains family and friends were skeptical.
• Inspiration came from a scene in the Wayans brothers’ film "Blankman," which he admits is “an hour and a half I’ll never get back.”
• Jen (caller) accuses Paul of preying on the grieving, but Paul insists he’s set up safeguards and has made no money.

Notable Quote:

“If this was just a rub a crystal ball and, you know, get messages from the afterlife kind of thing, no one would care. But the reason this is frying everyone's bacon like it was the end of the world is because I think, because it could work.” — Paul (10:02)

“Number one, you haven't visited a website. If you did, you see that? I have a whole lot of safeguards to prevent taking advantage of grieving people. And number two, no one's giving me a damn dime.” — Paul (12:22)

7. Final Wrap and Website Plugs (12:45–13:10)

• Paul repeatedly plugs his website: afterlifetelegrams.com, under encouragement (and mockery) from the hosts.
• Hosts wish him luck: "Just remember us when you are a millionaire."
• Paul: “15 bucks. I’ll go get a milkshake and then I’ll tell you guys about it.” (13:10)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven...” — Birch (06:37)
• “What happens if... he's already back on earth and he's a squirrel?” — Paul (07:11)
• “How do we get a receipt?” — Birch (08:52)
• “No one’s giving me a damn dime.” — Paul (12:22)
• “They had roughly the same amount of viewers as you’ve had people sign up for your service.” — Birch on "Blankman" and Paul’s business (10:50)

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Important Segments with Timestamps

• [01:44] – Main topic introduction: Paul presents Afterlife Telegrams
• [02:36] – How the service is supposed to work
• [04:56] – Questions about messenger supply and "proof" of delivery
• [06:09] – Afterlife logistics: heaven/hell/purgatory/reincarnation
• [08:24] – Caller Robert challenges the idea of confirmation and receipt
• [10:02] – Family reaction and ethical criticism from a caller
• [10:34] – “Blankman” movie inspiration
• [12:45] – Final round of website plugs and good-natured ribbing

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Episode Tone & Vibe

The Bert Show team approaches the subject with irreverence, curiosity, and quick wit, balancing skepticism with open-hearted humor. The discussion moves briskly between practical concerns, philosophical oddities, and affectionate jabs at Paul’s ambition and sincerity. The segment never gets mean-spirited, but persistently nudges Paul for the underlying logic and ethics behind his idea.

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Summary Takeaway

If you’ve ever wondered what happens when entrepreneurial spirit meets metaphysical uncertainty—and what your favorite morning show hosts would do with such a premise—this episode is a must-listen. It’s a fresh look at how grief, hope, and hilarity can intersect, all through the lens of what just might be the world’s most unusual business plan.

Transcript

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[Co-host 1]

So.

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[Birch]

Listen, it's the Birch Show. Aren't we all convinced that we have the one invention in the back of our heads that we know we can make a trillion dollars on? This guy thought he had an idea it was going to land him on the Million Dollar Club.

[Co-host 2]

I ran across somebody email this guy's website not too long ago and said this might be somebody interested in having on the show. And I read it and at first I kind of laughed at what he does and then I started to think about it and I bet this guy makes a ton of money from his new invention. And Paul, I will let you explain it to us. And I guarantee you, next time we talk to Paul, he'll be a wealthy man.

[Birch]

Hey, Paul.

[Paul]

Okay, hey, appreciate that, but you are completely wrong. This has been a total disaster. So far. I haven't sold one thing of my product yet.

[Co-host 2]

All right, what do you got?

[Paul]

For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away, someone who said, and we will give that telegram to a terminally ill person. They will memorize it word for word, and when they pass away, it's their job to go deliver that message.

[Birch]

Come on now. Are you kidding me?

[Paul]

No, no, it's. And the money is collected. And upon his passing, it's either given to a charity of the messenger's choosing, to the messenger's family, or to pay for medical bills. And in this particular case, we only have one messenger, and he wants it to go to his family.

[Birch]

And what's the motivation as me, as the terminal person to deliver this message? I mean, there are a lot of people I'm going to run into. I'm going to have to do a lot of searching.

[Paul]

Oh, you mean. Well, he's promised to do so. I mean, he's a. He's an honest guy. I believe him when he says he's gonna, you know, try his best to deliver the messages.

[Birch]

Oh, I see. You have one guy just so far, he's gonna deliver all these messages to all these people?

[Paul]

Well, all these messages. None so far.

[Co-host 1]

Well, he's got one guy so far. I think what he's saying is that he, you know, other terminally ill patients can jump on board if they want.

[Co-host 2]

So nobody's asked him to memorize even one message yet?

[Paul]

Nope, no paying customers yet.

[Birch]

Why do you think that is?

[Paul]

I think part of it. Well, see, it used to be that it was $10 per word and I was retaining half the fees. And, well, I figured, well, I'll cut the price in half, see if that can stir the pot a little bit. And I thought it would be unfair for me to take any of his money, so I just said, okay, I'll give up my half.

[Co-host 2]

So it's like a grand opening special right now?

[Paul]

Yeah, it's like a grand opening, and I'm going to attempt to see if I can't make a little money off the traffic going in and out of the website.

[Birch]

So let's say you collect 500 messages.

[Paul]

Wow. That.

[Scott Hanson]

Wow.

[Paul]

That's way over the top. I don't think we can possibly do that.

[Birch]

Let's make it a little more realistic. Let's say you get two. Okay.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Birch]

Two.

[Paul]

Yeah. Give me two. Gee.

[Birch]

Okay. Your terminal person passes away. They deliver the message. How do you approach the next terminally ill person to do this for you?

[Paul]

I'm not going to this one when I could because he was a family friend, say. Okay, so it was real easy. You know, comparatively, if anybody else wishes to be a messenger, they're going to have to come to me.

[Co-host 2]

I mean, that wanted ad in the paper.

[Co-host 1]

I know you're not feeling good.

[Paul]

It's actually on the website. There's a. You know what's required, you know, and I don't really have to worry about someone faking terminal illness because, well, no one gets any money until after the person dies. So, I mean, they would have to go through a whole lot of, you know, getting a fake body together, you know, and some kind of ridiculous thing like that.

[Co-host 2]

For $45.

[Paul]

Yeah. For $45, yeah.

[Co-host 1]

Yeah. I know you're not feeling good and you got a lot in your mind, but I was also wondering, could you memorize this?

[Paul]

I'm not doing that. I'm not going to go up to someone and say that.

[Co-host 1]

The postmortem pony express.

[Scott Hanson]

Yeah.

[Co-host 2]

Now, what would happen if, say, let's say you're going to. Let's say Melissa or Lindsay hires you to deliver a message to their fathers and both good men. And I would assume that they're in heaven. But let's say the person that you've recruited or that has come to you and said that they want to do it is not going to heaven.

[Paul]

Well, actually, that's one of the things we put in the website because there's so many things that could go wrong. It's funny that people keep bringing that one up because that was like, the last one I thought of when I wrote down the list of things that could screw it up. What if it's heaven, hell and purgatory? What if, you know, what if the guy's not going to the same one?

[Co-host 1]

Because I doubt Satan would let, you know, deliver the messages himself.

[Birch]

Yeah, he's not real warm that way.

[Paul]

Yeah, well, maybe it's sort of like, you know, like you can visit someone in prison, maybe. So maybe someone in heaven can go ahead and visit someone.

[Birch]

So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven.

[Paul]

They can slip a message through those little round holes, you know, like he.

[Co-host 2]

Slips the message into him in the Bible that the book man carries around the prison. Now, you said you were putting a lift together of things that could go wrong. And the heaven hell thing was the last thing on your list.

[Co-host 1]

The last thing?

[Paul]

Oh, yeah. Well, one of the last things I thought of. I forget where it is on the list. By the way, the website is afterlifetelegrams.com. you know, we can't do this interview without saying that at least eight more times.

[Co-host 2]

What were some of the other things on the list of things that could potentially go wrong?

[Paul]

Oh, let's see if I can remember. One of them was reincarnation. I mean, what happens if the. By the time the messenger gets there, well, he's already back on earth and he's a squirrel, so you missed him totally there. And then what else on afterlifetelegrams.com you had, oh, well, what if there's no afterlife at all? I mean, that is a possibility. I mean, it's kind of depressing, but, you know, it's possible. What else could be. Oh, there could be like, well, what if the person doesn't want the message? What if he doesn't want to be bothered and he has the means to keep people away from Elvis?

[Co-host 1]

Yeah. Enough of my family.

[Co-host 2]

Have you decided. Have you thought about taking this to, you know, this service to like, collection companies and stuff like that? Cause they're pretty, you know, they're savvy when it comes to tracking people down.

[Birch]

That's great. This is a great way that even if you die, you don't get past the money that you borrowed to go.

[Co-host 2]

To University of Georgia or telemarketers. I got a guy named Tony who calls me every day about getting a dish at my house every single day. Maybe you could hire him. He can go after.

[Paul]

Maybe that's how my student loan people would probably go after me with that.

[Birch]

This is a whole new Aven for advertising, actually. Good morning, Robert.

[Paul]

Hey, what's up?

[Birch]

How you're on with Paul.

[Paul]

Paul, Are you serious, man? Yeah, man. You sat down and thought about this clearly? No, I have another question for you. If, let's say, some terminally ill person decides to take this bill that you're offering and they say, okay, I'm going to deliver this message, do you have confirmation that the message made it to the person?

[Birch]

Yeah. How do we get a receipt?

[Paul]

None whatsoever. No. You can't send a response? No. You know, I had thought of working up some kind of seance, you know, but I, you know, I have no telegrams. To begin with. So I don't know if I want to go to the bother of going through all that. You should get Ms. Cleo to help.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, you send Ms. Cleo. Get Ms. Cleo to help you.

[Paul]

Yeah, yeah. I hate her because, you know, she's been in this area at least she does a lot of phone soliciting and that's a big pet peeve of mine.

[Co-host 2]

Maybe you could hire. You could get her. You could get her to, you know, to buy some of the telegrams to contact people in heaven and get them to contact the people on earth, therefore bringing her more business.

[Paul]

Well, see, what I thought of doing is telling the. The messenger just a code word that only he and I know. That way he can deliver the message and just tack that on at the end of every message. That way if someone comes back and tells someone, as long as they can tell me what the word is and I can confirm that that was it.

[Birch]

Did you run this idea by anybody close to you before you decided to go public with it?

[Paul]

Oh, sure. My wife, my. My mom, my dad. I kind of told people I got a lot of negative stuff from people because, see, if this was just a rub a crystal ball and you know, get messages from the afterlife kind of thing, no one would care. But the reason this is frying everyone's bacon like it was the end of the world is because I think, because it could work.

[Birch]

Morning. Jenna, you're on with Paul.

[Caller Jen]

Hi, Paul. I mean, where did you come up with this idea?

[Paul]

When did I come up with it?

[Caller Jen]

Where?

[Paul]

Actually there's this terrible, terrible movie made by the Waynes brothers called Blank Man. Anybody seen it? No, no, not myself. You didn't miss anything. It was like an hour and a half. I'll never get back for my life.

[Birch]

They had roughly the same amount of viewers as you've had people sign up for your service.

[Co-host 2]

Yeah, right.

[Paul]

Well, anyway, in this movie they had actually one scene that was actually really neat. The governor of the city, I forget where it takes place, is tied to a whole bunch of bombs with a ridiculous amount of chain on him. Blank man, who's a superhero, goes in and a goofy superhero, and he is. There's no way he can possibly defuse all the bombs in the two minutes that he has.

[Caller Jen]

Okay, so what you're saying though, is that you based this off of a movie. You haven't based this off of any religious belief that you have or knowing anything about reincarnation or what?

[Co-host 2]

You know what? Before, before you get all angry and get all up in business and whatnot. He did base it on a Wayans movie.

[Paul]

Yeah. And the way you have some basis.

[Caller Jen]

Here, you know, I mean, seriously, have you had any kind of, you know, college degree in the biblical terms? And what happens after someone dies?

[Paul]

Well, I mean, I went to Sunday school. Does that count? Yeah, I went to Sunday school. You know, I. I didn't believe any of it. I mean, this is as weird as it is. I went to Sunday school. And like, you know, because they would say stuff like, you know, you could just name anything and. But you would ask, well, how do you know that? And they go like, well, you just put it on faith.

[Caller Jen]

You're just jumping on another bandwagon to rip people off of money that, you know, miss their loved ones and think, this may be a shot. This is ludicrous.

[Paul]

Number one, you haven't visited a website. If you did, you see that? I have a whole lot of safeguards to prevent taking advantage of grieving people. And number two, no one's giving me a damn dime.

[Co-host 2]

You know why I think Jen's upset? Because. Anybody else hear the heart monitor going behind her?

[Birch]

All right, Paul, give out the website again, man, for anybody stupid enough to go.

[Paul]

Afterlife telegrams.com afterlifetelegrams.com afterlifeteleGrams.com gotta say one more time. So that makes it nine. Afterlifetelegrams.com you know, I truly believe, Paul.

[Co-host 2]

That you are going to become rich off of this. I wish you all the best. We'll link that website up to our website and just remember us when you are a millionaire.

[Paul]

Okay, I will do that.

[Birch]

Or at least until you get your first 15 bucks.

[Paul]

15 bucks. I'll go get a milkshake and then I'll tell you guys about it.

[Birch]

All right, dude, see you later.

[Paul]

All righty. Bye.

[Co-host 2]

Bye.

[Birch]

Listen, it's the vert show.

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