The Bert Show: "Vault: Telegram to Dead" (Nov 5, 2025)
Podcast: The Bert Show by Pionaire Podcasting
Episode Main Theme:
This episode delivers a hilarious and thought-provoking deep-dive into one man’s offbeat, entrepreneurial attempt to bridge the gap between the living and the dead—by way of paid telegrams delivered by terminally ill “messengers” after they pass away. The cast’s good-natured roasting, genuine curiosity, and probing of ethical and metaphysical dilemmas turn a bizarre business pitch into a lively exploration of grief, gullibility, and creative (if questionable) ways to make a buck.
Key Discussion Points
1. Introduction: Bizarre Invention Pitch (01:44)
- Birch introduces Paul, a man who claims to have a trillion-dollar idea: afterlife telegrams.
- Paul's Pitch: For $5 per word (five-word minimum), you can compose a message to a deceased loved one. Paul’s only “messenger” is a terminally ill acquaintance who promises (upon death) to deliver these messages to those who’ve passed on.
Notable Quote:
“For a fee of $5 per word, with a five word minimum, you can write a telegram to someone who has passed away... we will give that telegram to a terminally ill person. They will memorize it word for word, and when they pass away, it's their job to go deliver that message.” — Paul (02:36)
2. The Skeptical Roast: Reality VS. Fantasy (03:14–06:46)
- The co-hosts are equal parts fascinated and incredulous.
- They relentlessly probe practicalities:
- Supply Side: Only one “messenger” so far, who’s a family friend.
- Demand Side: No actual customers ("None so far", Paul sheepishly admits).
- Price was initially $10/word, cut to $5 in a "grand opening special," but still no takers.
Memorable Moment:
“It's the postmortem pony express.” — Co-host 1 (05:46)
“How do we get a receipt?” — Birch (08:52)
3. Laughing Through the Logistics (04:56–06:46)
- The hosts challenge the chain of delivery: what happens when the original messenger dies? How do you recruit new "delivery people?"
- Paul admits the process for finding new messengers isn't worked out, and that only terminally ill volunteers can apply via his website.
Notable Exchange:
Birch: “So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven...” (06:37)
Paul: “They can slip a message through those little round holes...” (06:42)
4. Metaphysical Pitfalls (06:46–07:49)
- Hosts raise issues: What if the sender and messenger end up in different afterlife destinations? (Heaven, hell, purgatory, or reincarnation.)
- Paul’s tongue-in-cheek contingency plan is to hope you can “visit someone in prison,” i.e., visit across afterlife boundaries.
Notable Quote:
“One of them was reincarnation. I mean, what happens if... by the time the messenger gets there, he's already back on earth and he's a squirrel...” — Paul (07:11)
5. Potential for Misuse and "Verification" (08:24–09:39)
- Call-in listeners question if the service is a scam or a playful novelty.
- Robert presses for proof of delivery; Paul suggests a secret "code word" but admits it's mostly on faith.
Notable Exchange:
Caller Robert: “Do you have confirmation that the message made it to the person?” (08:26)
Paul: “None whatsoever. No. You can't send a response. No.” (08:53)
6. Origin Story and Ethical Challenges (10:02–12:36)
- Paul explains family and friends were skeptical.
- Inspiration came from a scene in the Wayans brothers’ film "Blankman," which he admits is “an hour and a half I’ll never get back.”
- Jen (caller) accuses Paul of preying on the grieving, but Paul insists he’s set up safeguards and has made no money.
Notable Quote:
“If this was just a rub a crystal ball and, you know, get messages from the afterlife kind of thing, no one would care. But the reason this is frying everyone's bacon like it was the end of the world is because I think, because it could work.” — Paul (10:02)
“Number one, you haven't visited a website. If you did, you see that? I have a whole lot of safeguards to prevent taking advantage of grieving people. And number two, no one's giving me a damn dime.” — Paul (12:22)
7. Final Wrap and Website Plugs (12:45–13:10)
- Paul repeatedly plugs his website: afterlifetelegrams.com, under encouragement (and mockery) from the hosts.
- Hosts wish him luck: "Just remember us when you are a millionaire."
- Paul: “15 bucks. I’ll go get a milkshake and then I’ll tell you guys about it.” (13:10)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “So you think there's like that plexiglass window between heaven...” — Birch (06:37)
- “What happens if... he's already back on earth and he's a squirrel?” — Paul (07:11)
- “How do we get a receipt?” — Birch (08:52)
- “No one’s giving me a damn dime.” — Paul (12:22)
- “They had roughly the same amount of viewers as you’ve had people sign up for your service.” — Birch on "Blankman" and Paul’s business (10:50)
Important Segments with Timestamps
- [01:44] – Main topic introduction: Paul presents Afterlife Telegrams
- [02:36] – How the service is supposed to work
- [04:56] – Questions about messenger supply and "proof" of delivery
- [06:09] – Afterlife logistics: heaven/hell/purgatory/reincarnation
- [08:24] – Caller Robert challenges the idea of confirmation and receipt
- [10:02] – Family reaction and ethical criticism from a caller
- [10:34] – “Blankman” movie inspiration
- [12:45] – Final round of website plugs and good-natured ribbing
Episode Tone & Vibe
The Bert Show team approaches the subject with irreverence, curiosity, and quick wit, balancing skepticism with open-hearted humor. The discussion moves briskly between practical concerns, philosophical oddities, and affectionate jabs at Paul’s ambition and sincerity. The segment never gets mean-spirited, but persistently nudges Paul for the underlying logic and ethics behind his idea.
Summary Takeaway
If you’ve ever wondered what happens when entrepreneurial spirit meets metaphysical uncertainty—and what your favorite morning show hosts would do with such a premise—this episode is a must-listen. It’s a fresh look at how grief, hope, and hilarity can intersect, all through the lens of what just might be the world’s most unusual business plan.