Vault: The Worst Case Of Parenting You've Ever Seen

Summary

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The Bert Show – "Vault: The Worst Case Of Parenting You've Ever Seen"

Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast
Theme: Listeners share stories of questionable, embarrassing, or outright shocking parenting they've witnessed or experienced.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into real-life stories about the worst (or most bizarre) cases of parenting, as shared by the show’s listeners. The hosts encourage callers to recount those moments when they’ve seen parenting go off the rails—be it too strict, too lenient, or just plain weird. The tone is humorous and lighthearted, with the hosts riffing on stories and poking a bit of fun, while also recognizing the gravity behind some tales.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Materialism Over Affection

Caller 1: Shares a story about a neighbor who scolded her daughter for wrinkling her clothes during a hug.

• Quote (01:44, Caller 1): “...the Kid rushes up to hug the mother, and then the mother scolds the child because she wrinkled her clothes.”
• Reflection: The hosts note how this sends the wrong message to the child about priorities in parent-child relationships.

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2. Oversharing & Unusual Breastfeeding Choices

Caller 2: Remembers working in a daycare where a three-year-old ran up and breastfed from his mother in front of everyone.

• Quote (02:24, Caller 2): “Pulls down her shirt and proceeds to feed himself... and the boy was three years old.”
• Connects to a recent media story about prolonged breastfeeding, sparking debate about age-appropriate boundaries.

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3. Dubious Fatherly Advice

Caller 2: Recalls her ex-husband's only advice to their sons:

• Quote (03:24, Caller 2): “If you’re going to do it, just don’t get caught.”
• Hosts joke about how well that advice worked out, given he’s the ex.

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4. Militant Discipline at Home

Caller 2 (Renee): Mentions a military parent who would “drill sergeant” his kids into shape, making them do pushups and jumping jacks as discipline.

• Quote (04:04, Caller 2): “He would become like a drill sergeant... start barking order [and] they would pop to like a soldier, start doing push ups... until they behaved right.”
• Hosts reference the film "The Great Santini" for comedic effect.

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5. Extreme Standards for Cleanliness

Caller 3: Remembers an ex-boyfriend’s father who inspected the house with a white glove to spot dust after cleaning.

• (04:29, Caller 3): “He would come home and he would like run his finger along the top tables...”
• Example of overly strict parenting focused on household order.

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6. Public Discipline for Nonperformance

Caller 4 (Jeremy): Saw a dad punish his four-year-old at the airport for refusing to “perform tricks” (winking, waving, blowing kisses).

• (04:56, Radio Host): “The corner at the airport.”
• (05:13, Caller 3): “That’s what kids are good for, tricks.”
• Raises the issue of parents treating children like performers.

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7. Dangerous or Negligent Parenting Stories

• Caller 3: Shares a camping story where his dad allowed him to handle lighter fluid, leading to an accidental fireball.
• (05:49–06:04, Caller 3): “You remember the old world footage of... the nuclear test out in Nevada?... That’s what it looked like coming up over the pup tent.”

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8. Punitive Old-School Parenting

• Caller 2: Her dad was forced to eat a bag of tobacco as a child as punishment for touching it.
• (06:08, Caller 2): “My grandfather made him eat the whole bag.”
• Discussions of "smoke the whole pack" or "throw them in the lake to learn to swim" as harsh traditional punishments.

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9. Enabling Bad Habits

• Caller 2: Knew a mother who had to roll her 13-year-old son a joint every morning to get him to go to school.
• (07:16, Caller 2): “He would not go to school unless she would roll him a joint every morning.”

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10. Questionable Coming-of-Age ‘Gifts’

• Caller 2 (Michelle): Shares a story about a dad who bought his son a prostitute for his 18th birthday and bragged about it at work.
• (08:05, Caller 2): “His son on his 18th birthday... The dad gave his son a hooker.”

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11. Controversy Around Child Leashes

• Caller 2 (Joanna): Criticizes parents who keep their kids on leashes in public.
• (08:51, Caller 2): “The worst case of parenting is those people who walk their kids on leashes.”
• The group jokes about multi-collar leashes and using retractable dog leashes for children.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Caller 1 (on materialistic parenting, 02:17): “Sending the message that my clothes are more important than you giving me a hug.”
• Radio Host (on punishing son at airport, 05:15): “Now go stand with your face to the wall over there by gate 32.”
• Caller 2 (on rolling joints for her son, 07:16): “She would roll him a joint every morning. Or he wouldn’t go [to school].”
• Caller 2 (Michelle) (on the 18th birthday gift, 08:05): “The dad gave his son a hooker for his birthday.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:44–02:21: Material priorities over affection—a child scolded for wrinkling mom’s clothes.
• 02:24–03:21: Public breastfeeding of an older child; discussion about boundaries.
• 03:24–03:54: Ex-husband's “don’t get caught” parenting style.
• 04:04–04:22: Military-style discipline at home, kids made to do physical drills.
• 04:29–04:43: White-glove, hyper-cleanliness standard.
• 04:45–05:21: Public shaming at airport for not performing “tricks.”
• 05:27–06:04: Dangerous parenting story of letting kids handle fire.
• 06:08–06:28: Eating a whole bag of tobacco as punishment.
• 07:16–07:41: Rolling joints for a 13-year-old every morning.
• 08:05–08:36: Birthday “gift” of a prostitute for an 18-year-old son.
• 08:51–09:36: The ethical debate on child leashes.

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Tone & Style

The episode is a whirlwind of listener stories, delivered with the Bert Show’s signature banter and sarcastic humor. The hosts express a mix of genuine shock, empathetic laughter, and sharp one-liners, poking fun at the absurdity of some parental decisions while recognizing the real-life impacts of these moments.

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Conclusion

"Vault: The Worst Case Of Parenting You've Ever Seen" is an entertaining and at times jaw-dropping showcase of what not to do as a parent, offering cautionary tales, cathartic laughs, and moments of reflection on what makes for healthy parent-child relationships. The engaging call-in format lets listeners become storytellers, resulting in a blend of cringe-worthy anecdotes, dark humor, and honest conversations about familial boundaries, discipline, and childhood memories.

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Transcript

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[Radio Host]

Get it the Birch Show I'm asking for the worst case of parenting you've ever seen.

[Caller 1]

An ex girlfriend of mine years ago lived next door to a woman and we would have constant conversation. It was a single mother with a young daughter and I guess the daughter's maybe, I don't know, about 10 years old, 10, 11 maybe. And we would have these conversations about how we just, we just didn't think that she was being a great mother. And there was one time that I felt so bad for the kid where the mother came home from work or something. I guess the kid came home from school earlier than the mother came home from work. The mother comes home and the the Kid rushes up to hug the mother, and then the mother scolds the child because she wrinkled her clothes.

[Radio Host]

Oh, yeah, you see this one right there?

[Caller 1]

Sending the message that my clothes are more important than you giving me a hug. Exactly.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Mandy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller 2]

It was my first year of college and I was working at a daycare part time, and I had the three year old's room. And as I'm like, you know, cleaning up, getting ready to go, this little boy feeds his mother and flies out of the room, runs up to his mother and this was like my first week. Pulls down her shirt and proceeds to feed himself. And the boy was three years old. And I was like, you've got the beginning.

[Radio Host]

So he runs right up to the mom in front of everybody else, pulls her shirt up and starts breastfeeding. At three years old?

[Caller 2]

Yeah, and the whole like, problem I had with it is that like, she's got to do that for like three years, you know?

[Radio Host]

Well, you remember this was just a couple of months ago. This was a big controversy when this woman was going around and she was doing the whole national TV circuit also, and she had like an eight or a nine year old son and she was breastfeeding him right there on national television.

[Caller 2]

I mean, I understand that, like, supposedly there's myths that make you smarter if you breastfeed or whatever, but come on, he's three years old.

[Radio Host]

Good morning. All the hits Q100.

[Caller 2]

The worst case of parenting I know with my ex husband's idea of my boys is telling them, if you're going to do it, just don't get caught.

[Caller 3]

That was his fatherly advice to them.

[Caller 2]

That's his fatherly advice and that's what he lives by.

[Radio Host]

Still a little twinge of anger in your voice there.

[Caller 2]

Just a tad. It makes me kind of hard on my end.

[Caller 3]

Apparently he didn't follow his own advice, considering he's your ex husband.

[Caller 2]

Right, Exactly.

[Radio Host]

Apparently he got caught.

[Caller 1]

Best example you give to your kids. See, your father was not right.

[Caller 2]

Well, he's proving it on his own daily.

[Radio Host]

No doubt. All right, Amy, thank you for calling.

[Caller 2]

Thanks.

[Radio Host]

Bye.

[Caller 2]

Bye.

[Radio Host]

Worst case of parenting you've ever seen, Renee?

[Caller 2]

Well, I don't know if it's the worst, but it's pretty hilarious. I did eight years in the military and there was this guy that we used to hang out with, and when his kids would get like really unruly, he would become like a drill sergeant, start barking order they would pop to like a soldier, start doing push ups Jumping jacks, running in place until they behaved right.

[Radio Host]

Yeah. The Great Santini.

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Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Jessica's ex boyfriend's father used to inspect the house with a white glove.

[Radio Host]

Oh, get out of here.

[Caller 3]

Her ex boyfriend and her ex boyfriend's sister had to clean the house. And then he would come home and he would like run his finger along the top tables and stuff like that.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Jeremy, you're on all the hits. Q100.

[Caller 4]

Hey. We were sitting at the airport one time with a friend of ours waiting on a flight and it's late and his four year old son would not perform tricks in front of everybody. So he made him go stand in.

[Radio Host]

The corner at the airport.

[Caller 4]

At the airport.

Awful.

[Caller 3]

What do you mean perform tricks? Like.

[Caller 4]

Well, he wouldn't wink at someone or wave at the girls or, you know, blow them kisses and stuff like that because he wouldn't even be the ladies man.

[Caller 3]

That's what kids are good for, tricks.

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Yeah.

[Radio Host]

Now go stand with your face to the wall over there by gate 32.

[Caller 4]

He did it in front of everybody. It was awful.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, put a piece of Cheerio on the phone. Okay, not yet. Not yet. Okay, get it? How about like a dog?

[Caller 3]

Can you think of ways like maybe your own parents weren't such good? Like, I remember my dad, when we were camping, once allowed me to put the lighter fluid on the campfire. Okay, he lit it, which is pretty dumb on his part, but I'm the one who got the squirted on. And I thought you put a can on there. I didn't know any better.

[Caller 1]

Oh, God.

[Caller 3]

Like you remember the old world footage of like, you know, the nuclear test out in Nevada? Yeah, it's like a mushroom cloud from a distance. That's what it looked like coming up over the pup tent. No leaves on the trees for 30ft above us.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Marianne, you're on all the hits. Q100.

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Hey.

[Caller 2]

My dad, when he was about 6 or 7, got caught with his dad's bag of tobacco and my grandfather made him eat the whole bag.

[Radio Host]

See, grandfathers, those are the old schoolers there, man. They go hardcore.

[Caller 2]

He was sick for the whole day.

[Caller 3]

He makes him eat that. He goes, all right, get out of here. Don't take any water.

[Radio Host]

My dad had that same theory that if I wanted a drink or if I wanted to smoke a cigarette, that I'd have to smoke the whole pack in front of him or I'd have to have a whole drink. So one Thanksgiving I asked him for a toke of his cigar and he said, sure, you can have it, but you gotta have the whole cigar. And I was like 14 at the time, and I smoked the whole cigar and ended up puking all night. It was awful. Awful. Thanks, Marianne.

[Caller 2]

Thank you.

[Radio Host]

Thanks for bringing back that memory for me.

[Caller 1]

That's like the whole theory of you talking about grandfathers, how they teach a child how to swim by throwing them in the lake and try to get back to the shore.

[Caller 3]

I'm gonna tie this brick around your foot, put you in the lake. You're gonna swim your way out of there, and then you'll know how to swim.

[Caller 1]

You'll learn how to swim.

[Caller 3]

And don't take any wooden nickels.

[Radio Host]

Morning. All the hits. Q100.

[Caller 2]

I knew a lady, she had a son that was 13, and he was kind of bad, and he would not go to school unless she would roll him a joint every morning.

[Radio Host]

Come on now. Are you serious?

[Caller 2]

I'm serious.

Found every morning. Or he wouldn't go.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God.

[Radio Host]

Like, the thought process behind that whole.

[Caller 2]

Thing is like, absolutely.

[Caller 1]

I guess it's like. It's like she wanted what. However it would get. Get him in the school, she would do it.

[Radio Host]

And this is the kind of parent where you'd confront. You'd confront her on it and she'd say, you just walk a mile in my shoes. You'd be trying to figure out something.

[Caller 2]

You don't know what it's like.

[Radio Host]

Right.

[Caller 3]

You try to get him into school sober.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Michelle.

[Caller 2]

Yeah.

[Radio Host]

Hey. Hey, go ahead, finish this off for us.

[Caller 2]

Well, I used to work with a guy that was a real jerk to begin with, but his son on his 18th birthday, for his present. The dad gave his son a hooker for his birthday.

[Radio Host]

Now, we've had that. We've taken this call before by somebody that the dad wanted to do that, and the mom came on is like, are you. Are you out of your mind? And he was so for it.

[Caller 2]

So his dad did it. He did it. And he came into the office the next day and bragged about it.

[Caller 1]

Yeah, there's a lot of young kids right now going joint to school. Did a dad in this process was so what? How's that? Bad parenting.

[Caller 3]

All I got was an 89 Ford Escort with 120,000 miles. Get a new agent.

[Radio Host]

Hey, Joanna.

[Caller 2]

Hey.

[Radio Host]

Hey.

[Caller 2]

The worst case of parenting is those people who walk their kids on leashes.

[Radio Host]

It does freak me out when I see that.

Thanks, Michelle. You're gonna come. It does freak me out when I see that. Or they've got three of them and they're all in line together and they all have that one leash that has the three collars on it.

[Caller 3]

I actually, you know what, we had a neighbor who here in Atlanta at our old house, you guys have been there like a mile from the radio station who had one of those kid leashes. But it wasn't a kid leash. They would hook it.

[Radio Host]

It was a dog.

[Caller 3]

It was a retractable dog leash. And they would hook it to the kid's belt buckle, which is even worse if they're just getting the spare dog leash out.

[Radio Host]

Get it the Bird show.

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