The Bert Show – "Vault: The Worst Case Of Parenting You've Ever Seen"
Date: December 9, 2025
Host: Bert and The Bert Show Cast
Theme: Listeners share stories of questionable, embarrassing, or outright shocking parenting they've witnessed or experienced.
Episode Overview
This episode dives into real-life stories about the worst (or most bizarre) cases of parenting, as shared by the show’s listeners. The hosts encourage callers to recount those moments when they’ve seen parenting go off the rails—be it too strict, too lenient, or just plain weird. The tone is humorous and lighthearted, with the hosts riffing on stories and poking a bit of fun, while also recognizing the gravity behind some tales.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Materialism Over Affection
Caller 1: Shares a story about a neighbor who scolded her daughter for wrinkling her clothes during a hug.
- Quote (01:44, Caller 1): “...the Kid rushes up to hug the mother, and then the mother scolds the child because she wrinkled her clothes.”
- Reflection: The hosts note how this sends the wrong message to the child about priorities in parent-child relationships.
2. Oversharing & Unusual Breastfeeding Choices
Caller 2: Remembers working in a daycare where a three-year-old ran up and breastfed from his mother in front of everyone.
- Quote (02:24, Caller 2): “Pulls down her shirt and proceeds to feed himself... and the boy was three years old.”
- Connects to a recent media story about prolonged breastfeeding, sparking debate about age-appropriate boundaries.
3. Dubious Fatherly Advice
Caller 2: Recalls her ex-husband's only advice to their sons:
- Quote (03:24, Caller 2): “If you’re going to do it, just don’t get caught.”
- Hosts joke about how well that advice worked out, given he’s the ex.
4. Militant Discipline at Home
Caller 2 (Renee): Mentions a military parent who would “drill sergeant” his kids into shape, making them do pushups and jumping jacks as discipline.
- Quote (04:04, Caller 2): “He would become like a drill sergeant... start barking order [and] they would pop to like a soldier, start doing push ups... until they behaved right.”
- Hosts reference the film "The Great Santini" for comedic effect.
5. Extreme Standards for Cleanliness
Caller 3: Remembers an ex-boyfriend’s father who inspected the house with a white glove to spot dust after cleaning.
- (04:29, Caller 3): “He would come home and he would like run his finger along the top tables...”
- Example of overly strict parenting focused on household order.
6. Public Discipline for Nonperformance
Caller 4 (Jeremy): Saw a dad punish his four-year-old at the airport for refusing to “perform tricks” (winking, waving, blowing kisses).
- (04:56, Radio Host): “The corner at the airport.”
- (05:13, Caller 3): “That’s what kids are good for, tricks.”
- Raises the issue of parents treating children like performers.
7. Dangerous or Negligent Parenting Stories
- Caller 3: Shares a camping story where his dad allowed him to handle lighter fluid, leading to an accidental fireball.
- (05:49–06:04, Caller 3): “You remember the old world footage of... the nuclear test out in Nevada?... That’s what it looked like coming up over the pup tent.”
8. Punitive Old-School Parenting
- Caller 2: Her dad was forced to eat a bag of tobacco as a child as punishment for touching it.
- (06:08, Caller 2): “My grandfather made him eat the whole bag.”
- Discussions of "smoke the whole pack" or "throw them in the lake to learn to swim" as harsh traditional punishments.
9. Enabling Bad Habits
- Caller 2: Knew a mother who had to roll her 13-year-old son a joint every morning to get him to go to school.
- (07:16, Caller 2): “He would not go to school unless she would roll him a joint every morning.”
10. Questionable Coming-of-Age ‘Gifts’
- Caller 2 (Michelle): Shares a story about a dad who bought his son a prostitute for his 18th birthday and bragged about it at work.
- (08:05, Caller 2): “His son on his 18th birthday... The dad gave his son a hooker.”
11. Controversy Around Child Leashes
- Caller 2 (Joanna): Criticizes parents who keep their kids on leashes in public.
- (08:51, Caller 2): “The worst case of parenting is those people who walk their kids on leashes.”
- The group jokes about multi-collar leashes and using retractable dog leashes for children.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Caller 1 (on materialistic parenting, 02:17): “Sending the message that my clothes are more important than you giving me a hug.”
- Radio Host (on punishing son at airport, 05:15): “Now go stand with your face to the wall over there by gate 32.”
- Caller 2 (on rolling joints for her son, 07:16): “She would roll him a joint every morning. Or he wouldn’t go [to school].”
- Caller 2 (Michelle) (on the 18th birthday gift, 08:05): “The dad gave his son a hooker for his birthday.”
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 01:44–02:21: Material priorities over affection—a child scolded for wrinkling mom’s clothes.
- 02:24–03:21: Public breastfeeding of an older child; discussion about boundaries.
- 03:24–03:54: Ex-husband's “don’t get caught” parenting style.
- 04:04–04:22: Military-style discipline at home, kids made to do physical drills.
- 04:29–04:43: White-glove, hyper-cleanliness standard.
- 04:45–05:21: Public shaming at airport for not performing “tricks.”
- 05:27–06:04: Dangerous parenting story of letting kids handle fire.
- 06:08–06:28: Eating a whole bag of tobacco as punishment.
- 07:16–07:41: Rolling joints for a 13-year-old every morning.
- 08:05–08:36: Birthday “gift” of a prostitute for an 18-year-old son.
- 08:51–09:36: The ethical debate on child leashes.
Tone & Style
The episode is a whirlwind of listener stories, delivered with the Bert Show’s signature banter and sarcastic humor. The hosts express a mix of genuine shock, empathetic laughter, and sharp one-liners, poking fun at the absurdity of some parental decisions while recognizing the real-life impacts of these moments.
Conclusion
"Vault: The Worst Case Of Parenting You've Ever Seen" is an entertaining and at times jaw-dropping showcase of what not to do as a parent, offering cautionary tales, cathartic laughs, and moments of reflection on what makes for healthy parent-child relationships. The engaging call-in format lets listeners become storytellers, resulting in a blend of cringe-worthy anecdotes, dark humor, and honest conversations about familial boundaries, discipline, and childhood memories.