Vault: These Are The Funniest Customer Service Calls

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bert Show "Vault: These Are The Funniest Customer Service Calls"

Host: Pionaire Podcasting
Date: January 28, 2026

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the wild, often hilarious world of customer service calls, featuring both legendary and newly discovered moments of customer and agent meltdowns. The cast—Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and guests—replay and break down infamous Dell customer service calls, reflecting on the frustrations, comedic misunderstandings, and absurd escalations that happen when tech support and irritated customers collide. Listeners call in with their own perspectives from the front lines, leading to laughs, relatable stories, and some unforgettable quotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Classic Dell Customer Meltdown

[00:01-05:06]

• The show opens with the hosts setting up an iconic Dell customer service call.
• Context: A son is calling Dell tech support on behalf of his mom, exasperated and losing patience within seconds.
• The hosts dissect his rising irritation, noting that frustration is palpable even before the real troubleshooting begins.

Key Call Highlights:

• The caller is annoyed immediately, wanting to skip verification and get his mother’s computer shut off.
• The Dell agent methodically goes through protocol, repeatedly asking for service tags, names, phone numbers, and emails.
• Caller’s patience snaps, ranting about “freaking automated crap” and how “you suck.”
• The agent finally offers the simplest fix: “Hold down the power button for 10 seconds” ([04:45]).
• The caller explodes, “You could have told me that! You are not very freaking helpful, you know that?” ([04:55]).

Panel Commentary:

• The hosts joke about how the Dell agent “just keeps calmly pushing the caller’s buttons” with required questions ([05:09]).
• They imagine the Dell agent gathering coworkers to listen in on the irate customer for office laughs.
• Host quote:
  • “He gets more and more calm as the conversation progresses.” ([05:09])
  • “He can’t get in trouble for that because I’m sure it was by the book.” ([05:33])

2. Listener Perspective: Amanda Calls In

[05:53-06:26]

• Amanda, a customer service professional, joins the conversation, sharing the struggle from the agent’s side.
• Notable exchange:
  • Amanda: “It's hard not to lose your cool with those customers.”
  • Host: “If you took two of those calls, I would imagine losing it on the third.” ([06:07])
• The hosts encourage listeners to send in calls where things go off the rails, promising radio airtime for the best ones.

3. Dell Agent Goes Rogue

[06:37-09:52]

• The second featured call flips the script: an aggressive Dell agent provokes a confused customer.
• Scenario: A man calls Dell about a $999 computer advertised in a flyer, mainly concerned about missing features.
• The agent pressures him to buy unnecessary add-ons, mocks him for questioning the flyer, and taunts him relentlessly.

Key Call Escalation:

• When the customer hesitates over missing speakers, the agent becomes dismissive and openly insults him.
• The Dell agent repeatedly calls the customer “little girl” and even “little hooker” ([09:13]), taunting him mercilessly.
• Customer, flustered, demands a manager; agent continues ridicule.

Show Reaction:

• Hosts (and Amanda) are floored by the agent’s mockery, laughing and repeating the “little girl” refrain for comedic effect.
• Host 2’s reaction: “Did he call him a little hooker?” ([09:11])
• Burt: “I’m going to start doing that.” ([09:16])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On tech support frustration:
  • Caller: “You damn ass. Look, damn it. The thing won’t shut off, you understand that? Since last night...Do you know what a human is?” ([03:10-03:45])
• The fix all along:
  • Dell Support Agent: “Hold down the power button for 10 seconds right now.” ([04:45])
  • Caller: “You could have told me that. You are not very freaking helpful, you know that?” ([04:55])
• Dell agent turns antagonist:
  • Dell Support Agent: “Are you sure? Because in the future gonna cost more money.”
  • “Oh, like a little girl. Oh, I can’t believe it. All only for speakers. Go ahead. Little girl, little pussy girl. Get out of here. Let me talk to the manager. Little girl. You a little girl...” ([08:30-09:06])
• Hosts’ glee at call escalation:
  • Host 2: “That is awesome.” ([09:29])
  • Host 1: “That is the easiest way to get on the radio. If you send us those customer service calls.” ([09:31])

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [00:01-05:06] – Classic Dell meltdown call, with play-by-play from the hosts.
• [05:53-06:26] – Listener Amanda calls in about working in customer service.
• [06:37-09:52] – The Dell agent who aggressively mocks the customer on a sales call.
• [08:30-09:10] – Escalation to “little girl” and “little hooker” insults; immediate host reactions.

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Tone and Style

The Bert Show’s tone for this episode is openly comedic and irreverent. The hosts, as well as listeners, relish the awkward tension and unfiltered outbursts in these calls. Their laughter and playful jabs make the recounting as entertaining, if not more so, than the original calls themselves.

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Conclusion

This episode delivers genuine laugh-out-loud moments from the nightmare world of customer support, told from both customer and agent perspectives. The show underscores how universally relatable the pain (and farce) of customer service interactions can be, celebrating these "meltdowns" as cathartic, hilarious escapes for a morning audience. If you enjoy hearing people lose their cool—and the professionals trying to hold theirs—this is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Burt]

Get it? The Bird Show.

[Host 1]

Dell is notorious for taping their customer service calls. And before I'll play the newest one, I'll play one that we played a while back, which is just a classic, because this guy, you have to sort of get through the first couple of minutes here. But this is a classic, classic meltdown. And I think, if I remember correctly, wasn't this dude calling because his dad's computer was jacked up?

[Host 2]

I think it's his mom's computer. Yeah.

[Host 1]

Yeah. And so he didn't even need to be on the phone, really. It wasn't his computer, but his dad is probably a little bit older, doesn't understand how the whole thing works. So he's calling for his old man, and he just, like, loses it. Completely loses it with the Dell guy.

[Dell Support Agent]

Dell hardware, warranty support. My name is. How can I help you?

[Burt]

Well, my mom got one.

[Dell Support Agent]

Hello?

[Host 2]

Can you hear me right off the bat?

[Burt]

Yeah, I'm having a problem. How about now? I got my phone on. Can you hear me now?

[Dell Support Agent]

I can hear you. You're breaking up a little bit, but.

[Host 1]

Let me stop it there for a second, because you can already hear the irritation in the voice of the guy. Like he's bummed he's on the phone. This isn't his compute. It's his old man's computer. So he's already. Or his mom's.

[Host 2]

Mom's.

[Host 1]

Yeah, so he's already sort of on the defensive, so this better go smoothly. Can you hear that already?

[Host 2]

From the first thing he says. Hello? Can you hear me?

[Host 1]

Right. Somebody there?

[Burt]

All right, well, what I got is my mom's laptop here. And it won't turn off.

[Dell Support Agent]

It won't turn off?

[Burt]

No. Okay, if Windows is down. Cannot turn it off. Try to turn off the power. Everything. It won't turn off.

[Dell Support Agent]

All right, can I get the service tag?

[Burt]

I just gave it to you people? All right, Express service code is. You got it?

[Commentator]

You think his mom's sitting right there.

[Dell Support Agent]

Going, oh, dear, While you're yelling very loud. Is that right?

[Burt]

Yeah, it's close enough. All I need to know is how do you turn this thing off? You know, your automated crap sucks, all right? And I think you suck. Hey, you know, turn the thing off. You understand that?

[Dell Support Agent]

All right, well, I will just need to actually see what system we have here, so I'm showing that you. Can I get the name on the account?

[Burt]

It's all right.

[Dell Support Agent]

And the phone number is purchased at.

[Burt]

Why do you need all this? All I need to know is how do you turn the thing off?

[Dell Support Agent]

I need to verify the owner of the system, sir.

[Burt]

Oh, the number is 72.

[Dell Support Agent]

All right. And can I get your name?

[Burt]

My name is your last name. I'm her son. Damn you. Well.

[Commentator]

Just jacking with him at this.

[Burt]

Point, I swear to God.

[Dell Support Agent]

And your phone number?

[Burt]

My phone number is the same.

[Dell Support Agent]

Okay. And your email address?

[Burt]

Why do you need that? You know, you're upset in the. All right? You damn ass. Look, damn it. The thing we're gonna shut off, you understand that? Since last night. And you got a battery problem as well. All right? What the hell the going on with this thing? I am getting very upset about this. You know, I've spent about an hour trying to talk to you people on this freaking automated crap you got, and that's what's got me all upset like this, all right? And if you didn't have all this automated crap on your phone system, then somebody would talk to a human. Do you know what a human is?

[Dell Support Agent]

Yes, sir, I do, and I will.

[Burt]

You keep acting like a computer and keep asking me pretty stupid questions when all I need to know is how do you shut this thing down? It says Windows is shutting down. It's been saying that since last night. All right? Now how come it won't shut down and how come I can't shut it down? What I gotta do? Rip the damn battery out of the back of it?

[Dell Support Agent]

No, you definitely don't want to do that.

[Burt]

Well, what do I gotta do? Will you please tell me?

[Dell Support Agent]

So do you not have an email address? That's all I need from you.

[Burt]

Do you not have an email address? I'm not gonna give it to you, alright? Let's put it that way, alright? Cause I have nothing to do with this damn computer. All I want to know is how you shut it down before it causes a fire. Will you tell me?

[Dell Support Agent]

Alright, so to shut the system off. You see the power button on it?

[Burt]

I've been pushing it for the past three hours. It don't f. Do nothing.

[Dell Support Agent]

Okay? Hold down the power button for 10 seconds right now.

[Burt]

You could have told me that. You know, you are not very freaking helpful, you know that? And you can put this in your records, all right?

[Host 1]

So you could tell he was upset, right? I mean, before the call even started.

[Commentator]

And you know the guy, the employee's totally jacking with him because he's like, yes, I need your. He's like at the yoga camp, hobby went to like. He gets more and more calm as the conversation progresses.

[Host 1]

I really believe that guy right there was just Totally jacking with him. Like, I'm gonna set this guy over the edge right here.

[Host 2]

Totally. And, you know, he's calling all of his friends over to the Cube. Like, listen to this. Come here.

[Dell Support Agent]

Come here.

[Host 1]

There's a new one.

[Host 2]

I'm calling everybody in the office.

[Commentator]

He can't get in trouble for that because I'm sure it was by the book. Oh, says, get an email address and a phone number and check the serial number and blah, blah, blah before you start the call. His boss can't yell at him. Right.

[Host 2]

He's doing his job.

[Host 1]

Now, I'm gonna play another one for you here in just a couple of seconds where it's the Dell guy that starts jacking with the client. Good morning, Q100. Hey, Amanda.

[Amanda]

Hi. How are you guys?

[Host 1]

Good. What's up?

[Amanda]

I'm. Well, I wanted to make a comment on the customer service thing. I work in customer service, being on the receiving end of those calls.

[Host 1]

Yes.

[Amanda]

It's hard not to lose your cool with those customers.

[Host 1]

No doubt.

[Host 2]

I'm sure. Time after time after time, if you took two of those calls, I would imagine losing it on the third.

[Amanda]

And you have. You can't lose your cool on those calls.

[Host 1]

If you ever. I mean, those will get on the radio every single time. Yeah, I love those. Record those and send those to me off the air.

[Amanda]

I said I would.

[Host 2]

Off the air. Burt was, like, giggling like a little schoolgirl listening to this next one he's gonna play for us, but he's laughing, and we're all thinking he was, like, making fun of the commercials that were running Laug.

[Host 1]

Now, this one is funny here because it's the Dell guy that just starts, like, provoking the client. And it's not.

[Dell Support Agent]

It's.

[Host 1]

It's not necessarily tech support, but this dude is calling because he's seen an ad in a paper for a Dell computer. So he calls up Dell to just get a little clarification on exactly what he's gonna get for his money. And the Dell guy starts, like, provoking him into trying to buy a computer and insulting the dude. So bear with the first couple of seconds through it, and then about 60 seconds, you'll hear the Dell guy just start jacking with this dude.

[Caller]

My name is Robert. What can I build for you today? Yeah, I'm calling about the computer that's on sale. It's 999. It's on a flyer that came in the newspaper, and I'd like to order that one. Okay, let me confirm everything with you. We have the painting 4 processor 520 with HD technology, 2.8 gigahertz. Okay. DVD player in the first bay and a free CD burner on the second base. No floppy drive. You want to add the three and a half floppy drive. Will this not do a disc? If I wanted to put something on the disc, will it do it? Yeah. Actually we recommend you the floppy because it's only $30. 3 0. Okay. No, I don't want that. Okay. Are you sure? Because the future gonna cost more money. Okay. And no speakers. Speakers don't come with it? No, sir, it's not the flyer. Okay, well, let me read it a little bit better and I'll call back. Why you have to fly in front of you? Yes. And why you call me? That gets back for me. You call me. Call me again. Again. Again. It's going to be back. I didn't realize that it didn't have speakers. And I don't want to have to order speakers for this price. So I'll just look somewhere else and find me another computer. Oh, like a little girl. Oh, I can't believe it. All only for speakers. Go ahead. Little girl, little pussy girl. Get out of here. Get out of here. Let me talk. Let me get out of here. Get out of here. Let me talk to the manager. Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl. Little girl. Little girl.

[Dell Support Agent]

Little girl.

[Caller]

You're going to let me talk to your manager. Little baby, little hooker.

[Burt]

That's how it ends.

[Caller]

That's how it ends.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Oh, my God.

[Host 2]

Did he call him a little hooker?

[Host 1]

Yes, at the very end he calls him a little hooker.

[Burt]

I'm going to start doing that.

[Caller]

Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl. Little girl. Little girl. Little girl.

[Host 1]

No way. Yes.

[Host 2]

That is awesome.

[Host 1]

Oh, I love those. That is the easiest way to get on the radio. If you send us those. Those customer service calls.

[Caller]

I can't believe it. For. Little girl. You a little girl. Little girl.

[Burt]

Little girl.

[Caller]

Little girl. Little girl.

[Dell Support Agent]

That's so awesome.

[Burt]

Get it the bird show.