Vault: We Can't Believe How Delusional This Woman Is

Summary

The Bert Show — “Vault: We Can't Believe How Delusional This Woman Is”

Episode Date: January 13, 2026
Podcast Host: Pionaire Podcasting

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Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into a dramatic “Second Date Update” segment, focusing on a listener named Lisa’s surprising experience after a promising first date. The cast dissects Lisa’s actions and her date’s reactions with equal parts humor and incredulity, illustrating the fine (and sometimes blurry) line between enthusiasm and overbearing behavior in early-stage dating. The episode’s central theme revolves around self-awareness, boundaries, and the need for clear communication in new relationships, all while examining the ways we can be “delusional” about romantic signals.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lisa’s Story: The Setup

• First Date Success: Lisa recounts meeting Stan, feeling an immediate connection, and having a great time on their first date.
  • “He was really sweet and really good looking and everything was awesome. When we go for dinner, we went to Joe’s Crab Shack…” (03:03)
• Plans for Second Date: Plans were made early in the week for Lisa to pick Stan up for a Tom Petty concert at Music Midtown.
• The Letdown: Upon arrival at Stan's place, Lisa is ignored, even though she can see signs he is home.
  • “I knock on the door, he never answers… I can see the TV is on…there’s a jacket next to the door through the window.” (03:10)

2. The Cast’s Reactions and Tough Questions

• The hosts express confusion and concern at Lisa’s emotional response, given the limited time she’d spent with Stan (just one date).
  • “You’ve only hung out…for a couple hours, though. Why are you so upset about it?” (04:00)
• Lisa admits she felt hurt by being stood up but doesn’t initially see her behavior as excessive.

3. Examining Lisa’s Communication Habits

• Details emerge about the volume of Lisa’s contact during the week: the hosts query the number and length of her calls.
  • Lisa: “Maybe like five [calls], 20, 30, 40 minutes … Maybe like an hour one time.” (06:03)
  • She acknowledges most of the calls were initiated by her.

4. Stan’s Side of the Story (10:00)

• Stan explains his perspective:
  • Lisa called approximately 40 times in one week.
  • She would call at all times—morning, while he was at work, at night, and sometimes wouldn’t let him off the phone.
  • The breaking point was a drunken late-night call where Lisa said, “I love you,” after only one date.
    • Stan: “She called my house about 40 times…down to wanting to talk to me as she is falling asleep…And then she goes out with her friends…and calls me at midnight…saying, I love you…That freaked me out.” (11:13)
  • He ended things over the phone on Friday, but Lisa insisted she would still come over, believing he’d change his mind.

5. Lisa’s Defense and Self-Perception

• Lisa denies saying “I love you” and disputes the number of calls.
  • “I don’t remember calling him on Wednesday. I don’t remember telling him I love him.” (12:54)
• She admits to “a lot” of calls but suggests Stan was reciprocating attention, at least early on.

6. The Cast’s Judgment and Advice

• Multiple hosts express embarrassment or frustration at Lisa’s persistence and lack of self-awareness.
  • “Lisa, you became quickly obsessed.” (14:43, E)
  • “Are you just, like, in denial? I can’t start the week like this. Seriously, Bert, it’s Monday. I can’t handle the stupidity.” (17:28, E)
• The tone is alternately tough love and comic relief:
  • “She was free fallin’ in love…” (15:24, F)
• The conversation steers toward universal dating norms:
  • Calling repeatedly before a proper relationship is established can be seen as too much, bordering on stalking.
  • “That’s when you’re in a relationship, not when you’re trying to get in a relationship.” (19:31, D)

7. Learning from the Experience

• When pressed, Lisa concedes she would probably “not call as often” next time but doesn’t seem fully convinced of the lesson.
  • “I probably wouldn’t call as often.” (20:27, D)
• The cast and callers alike stress the importance of pacing oneself in new relationships.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Lisa on why she persisted:
  “Well, I thought he was just playing kind of hard to get with me, you know?” (15:01)
• Stan’s exasperation:
  “You can show up if you want, but I’m not coming to the door. I’m not going out with you. It’s freaking me out. That’s where it is.” (12:41)
• Host (E) expressing embarrassment:
  “I’m actually embarrassed to be a woman right now.” (15:22)
• Comedic relief:
  “You gotta hide your shoe better.” (12:49, F) [a joke about Lisa finding Stan’s “shoe shadow” while circling the house]
• Host presses Lisa to learn:
  “Same situation happens…what are you going to do the following morning?” (19:55, C)
  Lisa: “Probably wouldn’t call as often.” (20:27)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:36 — Segment begins with Lisa’s dilemma
• 03:03 — Lisa describes first date and plans for the second
• 05:56 — Phone call frequency and communication details emerge
• 09:49 — Agreement to confront Stan for the truth
• 11:13 — Stan’s full side of the story
• 12:54 — Lisa’s pushback and selective memory
• 15:22 – 17:44 — Hosts’ tough love and pointed advice
• 18:14 — Listeners call in with verdicts
• 20:27 — Lisa recaps (somewhat) what she’d do differently next time

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Tone and Style

The tone is a hallmark of The Bert Show: candid, teasing, sometimes harsh but ultimately rooted in an attempt to dispense real-world relationship wisdom—often through the lens of lively, relatable banter. Longtime listeners will recognize the blend of empathy and comedic exasperation.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode exemplifies The Bert Show’s ability to blend real listener drama with honest, sometimes uncomfortable truths about dating in the modern world. Lisa’s experience acts as a cautionary tale about respecting boundaries, recognizing reciprocity, and not mistaking early enthusiasm for mutual commitment. The cast’s reactions and the live call-ins drive home that, while everyone wants a connection, pacing—and self-awareness—are crucial.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

The Bird Show. If you missed this yesterday here, second date update. We're going to run this in two parts. This is. What's her name again? Lisa. Sketchy Lisa, telling us exactly what was supposed to happen on Saturday. Hey, Lisa.

[D]

Hey.

[C]

Good morning. How are you?

[D]

Confused.

[C]

Yeah, I think we've all been here before. Oh, yeah?

[E]

Yeah. You sound so sad.

[D]

Yeah, well, I just don't know what happened, you know?

[C]

Right.

[D]

I mean, I met this guy the weekend before last and I was out with my girlfriend and you know, we just hit it off. You know, we start talking and he seems really sweet and he was really good looking and everything was awesome. When we go for dinner, we went to Joe's Crab Shack in Kennethaw. The best time, you know, just hanging out, getting to know each other. And then he brought me back to my place and we just kind of hung out. You know, we made out. It was like two in the morning and things were really nice. And he left. Right. And we're gonna get in touch. We're gonna do something fun next weekend. And we do. We talked all week, we made plans. And then he says that we're gonna go to see Tom Petty Saturday night, right?

[C]

Mm.

[D]

At Music Midtown. I'm excited because I'm a really big Tom Petty fan. I go to pick him up on the. In starting afternoon over his place, right? And we're gonna get something to eat and then go see the show. So I go knock on the door, and he never answers it, you know?

[E]

So you guys had talked at some point during the week after that first date to set up the second date?

[D]

Oh, yeah, it was definite Monday. We talked. We set it up definitely on Monday. And then we talked. Everything was good. And I'm like, knocking on the door. He doesn't come and get it, but I can see that he's in there. I can see the TV is on. I can see that. You know, there's a jacket hanging next to the door through the window.

[C]

Does he live by himself? Are you sure he was the only one there?

[D]

Yeah, he told me he's the only one there. He told me he didn't have a roommate.

[F]

Can I ask you a question? Because this might just be the way your voice sounds, but, like. Or maybe you have allergies or whatever, because we heard you kind of have a stuffed nose and your voice kind of is a little. So are you crying or is that just your voice?

[D]

No, I'm really upset.

[G]

So you are crying?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You've only hung out with this guy for a couple hours, though. Why are you so upset about it?

[F]

Problem solved.

[D]

Just like the whole, you know, like. Oh, yeah, I hate when somebody says they're gonna do something and then they don't. Like, if you don't wanna go out with me, that's fine, but don't tell me we're gonna go out and have fun and make me plan my Saturday night with you, and then I come to get you and you pretend I'm not knocking on your door.

[C]

Well, that. I can understand how you'd be offended by all that, but I don't know if it would bring you to tears, you know?

[D]

Well.

[C]

Well, she's.

[F]

You know what? She felt something with this guy.

[C]

Okay. What?

[F]

Next to Jones?

[G]

Lisa, I want to talk about your conversation on Monday with him. Now. What is his name?

[D]

Stan.

[G]

Stan. So you said you went out last weekend, kind of made out, then you talked to him on Monday. How. How long did that last on Monday?

[D]

Like a half an hour.

[G]

Okay. And you. That's when you made plans for Saturday night.

[F]

Did you follow up at all during the week?

[D]

Yeah, we talked a few times.

[C]

When you say talked a Few times. Did you guys just exchange messages or did you actually talk and say okay, so we talked.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And you made concrete plans, like, okay, Saturday, I'm gonna come pick you up at 2 o' clock or whatever.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Now what were those plans?

[D]

We mean a plan for Saturday.

[C]

Were you supposed to pick him up? Was he supposed to pick you up? Were you guys.

[D]

I was supposed to pick him up. I was supposed to come over. We're gonna go grab something to eat and then we were gonna go hang out and watch Tom. Patty.

[C]

All right, so he knew you were coming over?

[D]

No, he knew. That's why I'm so upset.

[E]

And was his car there when you got there?

[D]

Yes, his car was here.

[C]

You literally saw him in the apartment?

[D]

I think I saw it. I think I saw his like shadow at one point, but I didn't actually see him.

[G]

I. Because usually was the way seconded update works too is we try to fit, you know, we try to predict what my. What he might be saying. And I kind of want to go back to the follow up phone calls you had with him. You set up the date on Monday, but you talked to him a couple more times during the week. How long did those conversations last?

[F]

And can you define couple.

[C]

Times?

[G]

Yes.

[F]

How many times?

[D]

Yeah, maybe like 20, 30, 40 minutes. Maybe like an hour one time.

[F]

Okay, but how many, how many phone.

[G]

Calls were there total?

[D]

Maybe like five.

[E]

Okay, five 40 minute phone conversations.

[F]

You know how it is when you in a new relationship.

[D]

That sounds about right.

[C]

What's wrong with that?

[D]

Get to know each other and you know we're having a nice time.

[F]

We're not all cold hearted like you, Jen. Some of us have love and space in our heart for us.

[E]

That just sounds to me like a lot.

[C]

I mean, every indicator says I'm into you. If I'm talking 40 minutes with you on the phone every day.

[G]

I'm just wondering if it became too much. Is my, you know, at least. Is there any way that Stan might have kind of got freaked out and checked out?

[D]

I don't know. I mean, if you don't want to talk to me, why don't you just say I can't talk right now or just not pick up the phone?

[C]

Were you the one making those phone calls all week long or did he make some of those phone calls also?

[D]

I think it was pretty much me calling him.

[C]

Okay, so you don't ever recall him actually picking up the phone call? You picking up saying hello and then the conversation goes 40 minutes?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

What were your conversations about?

[D]

Like in general, you know, our friends work, where we went to school, exes, you know, like, good relationships, bad relationships, what we were looking for.

[C]

Standard.

[E]

So he was pretty forthcoming with all this information. He was into the conversations, telling you stories and stuff?

[D]

Well, he. I was doing most of the talking, but he seemed to be into it.

[C]

After Music Midtown, after Tom Petty, I'm assuming you didn't go. So has there been. There's been no communication between the two of you since you've tried to call him?

[D]

No.

[C]

You have not tried to call him?

[D]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[F]

How many. How much time do you spend, like, knocking on somebody's door when you're almost certain they're home and you can. You can see their shadow in their jacket, in their car and stuff? Like, how much time do you bang on that door?

[D]

I waited for 20 minutes.

[F]

Were you knocking the whole time?

[D]

Yeah, I was knocking, and I would knock on the window, and I want. I walked around knocking on all the windows. That's how I saw. I saw the shadow of his foot, like his shoe.

[G]

I'm sorry, that. That what?

[C]

Shadow of the. Of a shoe.

[G]

A shoe shadow as she was walking around knocking on all the windows.

[C]

Hey, Nancy.

[D]

Hello.

[A]

Hello.

[D]

I just want to be quite honest with her. If you call him beforehand and he didn't answer the phone, you should just went on one of your girlfriends because he obviously did not really want to go with you.

[C]

It's still pretty rude, though. I mean, all the dude had to say. I mean, look, well, sure, he's a cowardly, total coward. So if not, I'd at least like to hear what he's got to say. Huh? All right, let's do this. Let's play a couple of commercials here. We will try to get Stan on. The one thing you have to agree to here, Lisa, is that once we get him on, you have to say, look, I want total honesty here, even though the relationship's probably over here. I just need a little closure on this thing, and that way he's more apt to open up to us.

[D]

Okay, I can do that.

[C]

You're willing to. You just want to know, right? Like, what did I do or what happened.

[E]

Right?

[D]

Right.

[F]

You can't get all Lauryn Hill on us. Like, you got to try to remain stable.

[D]

I won't. I won't. I just want to know what happened, you know?

[G]

Okay. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Hold on a second. All right, we've got Stan on, and I'm gonna introduce you, and I'm gonna try to say right off the bat that the only thing you really want out of this whole thing. You don't ever even have to see him again. But the one thing that you do want is just some honesty on why he doesn't want to see you again or why didn't he didn't want to see you on Saturday.

[D]

Yeah, that's all I want.

[C]

Okay, let's get Stan on.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

Hey, Stan.

[H]

Hey, there. How's it going?

[C]

Good morning. You're on the radio right now on all the hits. Q100.

[H]

All right, cool.

[C]

How are you?

[H]

I'm okay. How are you?

[C]

Hey, Stan, let me just set this up by telling you that we have Lisa on the phone with us, okay? And as Lisa has told us, you guys went out last Saturday night, Saturday before this last one, and kind of had a pretty decent time and hung out, hooked up, up a little bit, then talked on the phone every day last week. And you had these really exciting plans to go to Music Midtown this weekend. And as she describes it, she shows up to your house on Saturday to follow through with those plans, is knocking on the door and stuff, and you don't answer the door. And she's just a little miffed on why there's no second date. And we have her on the phone right now. You want to say hi, Lisa?

[D]

Hey.

[H]

Hey, Lisa, are you sure you want to do this? All right.

[C]

Let me take just a little of the edge off and a little of the pressure by saying this here, too, Stan, that Lisa is or is not necessarily looking for a second date. Kind of almost inconsequential. All she really wants you to do is come clean as to why there was no second date and why you handle things the way you did on.

[G]

Saturday in total honesty. I mean, you can. You know, there's no reason to hold anything back.

[C]

Okay, Lisa, are you okay with that?

[D]

Yeah, I just want to know what happened.

[G]

Okay.

[H]

All right. Well, first off, last Saturday, yeah, it was great. Had a great time. Then in between times, she called my house about 40 times, and it was everything from first thing when she got up in the morning checking in with me at work, down to wanting to talk to me as she is falling asleep and won't let me get off phone. And she keeps talking, I wish you were here next to me, talk me to sleep. And I'm. You know, I'm just trying to watch Letterman, and. And she's doing all this stuff. And then Wednesday night she goes out, or Thursday she goes out with her friends and. And gets drunk and calls me at, like, midnight and is calling me and she's drunk, and she's saying, I love you.

[D]

Remit me. Be together. I wish you were here with me, and I can't wait.

[H]

And that freaked me out. And I was already getting freaked out all week. And then I. You know, I met this girl once, and she's already saying she loves me. And then Friday, she calls back, and she's leaving me messages all day. And finally I told her, on Friday. I says, I ended it Friday. I'm not going. I don't want to see you anymore. You know, this is way too fast for me. And she says, you know. And she was. She was fighting back and forth.

[D]

No, I'm coming over.

[H]

And then, you know. And finally, when I finally hung up, she was like, well, I'm coming.

[D]

You're gonna. And I know you're gonna change your mind.

[H]

And I says, no, I'm not gonna change my mind. You can show up if you want, but I'm not coming. I'm not coming to the door. I'm not going out with you. It's freaking me out. That's where it is.

[F]

You gotta hide your shoe better.

[C]

Lisa, does all this sound accurate?

[D]

No, not completely. I mean, I don't remember calling him on Wednesday. I don't remember telling him I love him.

[F]

Do you love him?

[D]

No, I don't love him. I don't know him.

[C]

Where were you Wednesday night? Did you go out drinking Wednesday night?

[D]

I did. I was out with my girlfriend. I don't remember calling him.

[F]

That first night at Joe's. Did you let him pay your money, Jeff?

[G]

Stan, that's an important question. Jeff. Hey, Stan. So on Saturday, when she comes over, I just kind of want you to describe how long she stayed. And I mean, like, did you. She says that she, like, knocked on every window to get.

[H]

Yeah, it was a while. But, I mean, I was upstairs, and she was just knocking on the downstairs windows and stuff. So I don't know, I didn't really pay attention too much. I heard the doorbell ring, and I looked out and I saw her car. And it was kind of like, you know, I rolled my eyes, like, oh, my God, I can't believe she showed up. And I'm like, I hope this doesn't get ugly. And I just, you know, I didn't know what she would be like. So I was just like, you know what? I'm just gonna let her knock and think I'm not home or something.

[F]

Why did you dismiss the sex comment?

[H]

I'm sorry?

[F]

I'm asking Bert.

[C]

Why did I dismiss it? Yeah, I just don't. Hey, I don't know. It's not a real big deal, I guess.

[F]

Did you guys do it?

[D]

Do we have sex?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[F]

Okay.

[E]

Lisa.

[D]

Uh huh.

[E]

I gotta tell you, I'm a little embarrassed. I'm a little embarrassed to share the gender that you and I share.

[C]

What?

[E]

From your behavior before the second date.

[G]

Oh, I think you're about to have a timeout, Lisa.

[F]

I mean, why don't you go to your room and think about what you've done.

[E]

I'm gonna put you in the corner and let you think about this for a minute.

[C]

Well, tell her what she did wrong so she could walk out of it.

[D]

I did call him a lot. Okay, a lot of times.

[E]

A lot is an understatement. For 40 times, Lisa, you became quickly obsessed.

[D]

But he liked it.

[E]

Oh, come on. No, he did not. He told you. I'm not going to answer the door if you come over and you continue to go over there. What in your right mind said that this would be a good idea?

[D]

Well, I thought he was just playing kind of hard to get with me, you know?

[E]

And why didn't you play that same card back, honey? Maybe that would work if you played a little hard to get.

[D]

Well, because Tom Petty was playing Saturday night.

[C]

So you felt like I had to sew this thing up quickly?

[A]

Completely.

[D]

It's like I don't have time to mess around like this is.

[G]

But you still didn't go see Tom Petty.

[E]

I'm embarrassed. I'm actually embarrassed to be a woman right now.

[F]

She was free falling in love.

[C]

Lisa, let's turn the tables here. Okay? Let's say everything happens last Saturday night that happens, right? He comes over to your place, you guys hook up, and then he calls you 40 times during the week. Wouldn't you get a little sketched out by that?

[D]

If I didn't like him, I would. And you know, if you like somebody, you do want to get to know them quickly and you want to know who they are. And you know, I was just curious as to who he was getting to really know him. Because you can make out with somebody and go on a really nice date with them, but still not really know them.

[C]

I've always said that On Friday when he said to you, look, I don't want to go to the Tom Petty concert with you. Why didn't you at that point realize he just didn't want to go to the Tom Petty concert with you?

[D]

Well, like I said, I thought he was just saying you need to say things that you don't really mean in the moment?

[C]

Not like that, no.

[D]

I thought he would just get over it, and I would be there Saturday and things would be okay, and we'd get in the car and go have a great time.

[G]

Hey, Lisa, do we ever establish. How old are you?

[D]

24.

[G]

Okay.

[C]

Hey, Stan, I don't know that there's any reason why we need to keep you on. You've done everything we've asked you. You've told her straight up why you didn't call. So, Stan, this is over, right?

[H]

Yeah, it's over.

[F]

If we need you again, we'll just come to the house and bang on the window.

[H]

No problem, guys. Well, thanks for having me on.

[G]

Thank you, Stan.

[H]

Take it easy.

[C]

Bye. Bye. At any point during the 40 calls, did you ever think, okay, maybe this is a little too much?

[D]

I think it's like, 40 calls. I think this is. You guys are exaggerating that it wasn't 40 calls.

[G]

Well, how many calls do you think it was?

[D]

I don't know. Maybe, like, 20.

[C]

Even so, that's five days. Doesn't that seem a little bit much to you?

[D]

Well, no, just like. Hey, what are you doing? I'm, you know, just watching this TV show, and I was thinking about you.

[G]

Oh, my God, Lisa.

[C]

And then on Friday. And then on Friday, he tells you, look, I do not want to go to the show with you. No music Midtown. No, no, no.

[F]

He's chanting it.

[C]

No, no, no.

[F]

I won't go.

[E]

Are you just, like, in denial? Like, I don't get. I can't start the week like this. Seriously, Bert, it's Monday. I can't handle the stupidity. I can't do it.

[F]

That's what you get when you deal with women.

[E]

No, it's not. That's why I can't handle it.

[A]

This is.

[E]

This is ridiculous. I can't believe that after a week of you calling him five times a day and him telling you, no, not interested, you're over the top, that you still go. You still go to his door and knock on it. And then after that, you proceed to email the bird show and email Tracy saying it's an emergency second date update because you can't figure out why the second date didn't happen. It is bad. A clue.

[F]

Sweetheart, it's been a long time since I seen a can of whoop ass opened.

[E]

I can't handle this.

[G]

It's too early in the week, Lisa. You turn into a stalker. Do you realize that?

[D]

Well, I don't think I was a stalker. I mean, I wasn't hiding out from his work.

[G]

But you were knocking on every window of his house.

[C]

Do we need to establish some kind of stalking number? Like, what's. What's acceptable after the date?

[D]

Look, ladies, like, he was really into it until Friday, okay? At least he wasn't, because I was like, oh, you know, what are you doing? He'd be like, nothing. What are you doing? And I would talk to him and be like, oh, that sounds like fun. And we were just like, hanging out and talk on the phone.

[C]

Hold on.

[G]

You're not a teenager.

[C]

You're gonna get some tough love this morning. Good morning. You're on all the hits. Q100.

[D]

I cannot believe she did that. That is unbelievable. I mean, are you that desperate?

[E]

Oops.

[D]

That is craziness.

[G]

That's about do that.

[D]

You do not act like that as a grown woman. That is ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I'll be surprised and shocked if anybody would ever date you again. You know what I believe? You know, you got your. Your women you like. You're being so hypocritical, though, because you know when a man calls you like that, you feel good. Like, you feel. Don't freaking call somebody, man.

[G]

Don't.

[D]

Like exaggerating a point.

[G]

We'll use twins. Still too much.

[H]

You know what?

[D]

And Lisa, I mean, I cannot believe they call you. They call you, like, every day. Like, hey, just thinking about you doing, hey, you know what? That's when you're in a relationship, not when you're trying to get in a relationship. You don't call somebody that many times.

[C]

Hey, Lisa, we're going to let this one go. We got to move on. I don't know what you. What did you learn from this whole.

[F]

Thing not to call the bird show number one, anything.

[C]

Like, same situation happens with another guy next week, you go out on Saturday night, you guys hook up. You really like him, you really like them. What are you gonna do the following morning?

[D]

Well, you know, it's not often that I meet somebody that I really like like this. I'm gonna go out and meet somebody next week.

[C]

Lisa. So if.

[G]

Lisa, it'll happen again. But what are you gonna do next time? It's going to happen again. You will have a connection with someone else.

[C]

Next Saturday, you go out, you meet a guy, and all the stars are aligned, Right? And you're just as into this next guy. How are you gonna handle it differently?

[D]

I probably wouldn't call as often.

[F]

I think twice a day. As soon as you wake up and right before you go to bed.

[E]

How about not at all and let the guy pursue you.

[F]

Just a little wakey wakey and a little nighty nighty. That's fine.

[C]

Bye bye Lisa the Bird Show.

[I]

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