← The Bert Show
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- [00:00]
A
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- [00:30]
B
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- [01:19]
C
The Burt Show We've said this before now that we have gotten a ton of emails from women that are looking for help from the guys on the show because we've been doing this segment where the women leave the studio guys give advice to women about their men because nobody knows your men better than other guys, right? So we've been receiving just, I mean a stupid amount of emails from women and there seems to be like the lowest common denominator in most of these emails. It amazes me the pain tolerance level that women have to stay in these painful and sometimes like abusive relationships. And I think I know the answer why you guys stay in it. But let me just read a couple of the emails and give you some examples of what we've received. One email here and we're gonna paraphrase my boyfriend. Listen to this. My boyfriend lets his ex girlfriend spend the night and sleep in his bed. This is from the same email. He says he's an ass around me and he doesn't know why. Same email. I tell him that I don't trust him and he tells me, well, we aren't married and she's still in the relationship with the guy okay, another email. My boyfriend and I moved in together in January but soon he quit his job and now I support him. Not a huge deal there. But then his car died and we bought a Navigator that I pay for and it's in my name.
- [02:38]
D
It's not the same girl.
- [02:39]
C
No, this is a second email. The car died and we bought a Navigator that I pay for in my and it's in my name. Yet he won't let me drive the car. Same email. Sometimes he doesn't come home at night. He finally got a job at a restaurant. I found a note from a girl in his apron. This is all the same email. I drove to his job and saw him kissing a girl by his car. He yelled at me to go home and we would talk about it later. Then he told me later that it's my fault because I smother him by doing too much for him.
- [03:12]
E
You're kidding.
- [03:12]
C
Okay, that's. And these are pretty typical of a lot of the emails that we're getting. Here's a third email for you. My boyfriend is a bartender and he flirts with female customers. I find girls phone numbers in his apron all the time. Then I've heard he gives his phone numbers to girls at the bar. He says he's just trying to get better tips. She's staying. All these women, the other common denominator here is they're all staying in the relationship. So My question to women 404-741-1005 is very basic.
- [03:42]
F
Why?
- [03:44]
C
Like I don't think guys would stick it out.
- [03:47]
E
No, I think that I don't think some guys would.
- [03:49]
C
Some guys. But as a general rule I think women stick it out longer than guys doing these kind of relationships.
- [03:54]
D
I would agree with that. But it's the whole love is blind thing.
- [03:56]
C
Like I don't think that's it.
- [03:58]
E
Not necessarily that. I think that a lot of women on the other hand would not stay and put up with relationships like this. I think it all depends on where your level of self esteem is. And I think if your self esteem on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being highest, if your self esteem level is at 10, you're not staying in a relationship with like this. If your self esteem levels at A1, you may stay.
- [04:18]
F
I think also the main difference between men and women is women identify themselves mostly by their relationships.
- [04:24]
C
Okay.
- [04:24]
F
They don't identify themselves based on their job or I mean part of it is their job and stuff. But most women, the core way they see themselves is based on their personal relationships.
- [04:36]
C
I see. I think so.
- [04:37]
E
They will.
- [04:38]
F
They will see, stay in it longer. They will try to make it work longer. Because to them that's the most important thing in their life.
- [04:43]
D
But if that's accurate and they identify themselves by that, why would you want to be identified? Is the girl who dates the guy who lets his ex girlfriend sleep in.
- [04:52]
F
His bed because you're dating a guy and you're not. I mean, like for some women, they'd rather do that than be single.
- [04:57]
C
I have a theory on this also. And Lindsey shares the same thought. Lindsay?
- [05:01]
G
That's exactly what I was going to say. And I think it's partially the self esteem thing that you guys were talking about. But I think more than anything, they're just afraid of being without somebody.
- [05:09]
C
I think. I think you nailed it on the head. I think women fear being alone way more than men feel fear being alone.
- [05:18]
F
And I think it all ties in together. I think that plus the fact that a relationship is the most important thing to a woman, so she feels like she's incomplete if she's single. Plus what Jen said about insecurity, you know, I mean, I think it all ties in together. I mean, that's a huge part of a woman's life is her dating status or her marriage status.
- [05:35]
E
And would you also say that it's cyclical? If your mother did it, then the daughter does it, then her daughters do it, then you know what I'm saying? Because if that's the home that you grew up in and that's what you saw as the example is either, you know, a male, no male figure in your life and going, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a single parent, like, you know, whatever, or having. Or having a poor male figure in your life and repeating that same cycle because oftentimes we look for our fathers.
- [06:07]
C
How do you break that cycle then?
- [06:09]
E
You know what, I don't know. I feel blessed that I haven't had that experience growing up. So I don't know how you break that cycle. But it does seem that it could be cyclical.
- [06:19]
F
But added to that, it doesn't even have to be an abusive situation to grow up. I think she made a great point about looking for your father because I think a lot of times if you have a great dad, then no guy lives up to it. I think that was a part of my sister's problem when she was dating is that she and my father like she was the apple of my father's eye. And so she wanted to find a man like my father. And I mean, there's a difference. I mean, a father is something different than a husband. So like, you're never, he's never going to live up to that. And I think a lot of women just kind of, you know, I don't know, I think that, that they're behind in the, in the race to begin with if they're looking to do that.
- [06:56]
C
Good morning, April. You're on the Burt Show. Hello.
- [06:58]
H
Good morning, guys. I love your show.
- [07:00]
C
Thank you.
- [07:01]
H
I just, I guess I'm kind of in the same situation as one of your emails. I've been married for four years to a guy that can't seem to hold down a job. And I've been supporting us for a very long time. And it's hard, but I'm already, I'm 26 and I've already been divorced and married twice. And I think I just don't want to go through it again. And I'm afraid to be alone. So it's just, you know, I take the roles and I keep going.
- [07:27]
C
I said this before, that women would rather be in a relationship for the wrong reasons than be alone for the right reasons.
- [07:34]
F
Well, here's my question.
- [07:35]
E
Back to you, Bert, though, why is that? Why do you think that is?
- [07:39]
F
What motivates you?
- [07:39]
C
It's the fear of being alone. And I can give you three examples of it. And this is just over the last two weeks. My friend Susie that we've talked to on the air, the one that's gonna be traveling around, she's what, 34 years old now and she's single. And she said at one point when we were having a conversation a couple of weeks ago, the sentence came out of her mouth. Sometimes I'm just so tired of being alone. I'm just so tired of doing things by myself. It would just be so nice to have a man there and to have somebody that I can share the things that happen in my life with on a day to day basis with. Okay, so that was one. And last night I was having a conversation with one of our best friend, Carrie, who's also 34 years old and she's single. She said the exact same thing. She said, I'm so scared of growing old alone. I am so tired of just doing things by myself. I just want somebody with me to share the cool things that happened to me and every single day. And the third thing was, you guys weren't in this meeting yesterday, but we got an email from a woman that we're gonna talk to next week, that's in the very same situation. She's 34 years old, and she's just tired, just tired of being alone and wants to share her life with somebody else.
- [08:49]
F
I'm 34, I'm single. And I have said the very same thing to someone because you have to understand, women are emotionally based. So every experience in our life, whether bad or good, has such a huge emotional attachment to it. And, yes, you've got your best friends to share your life with, and you've got, you know, a pack to go around with, but when you have the intimate relationship just adds that much more to it. And so I. I'm right there with them. I mean, but I'm not getting into a relationship just to not be alone. But when you are alone and you. And you're hanging out with everybody else who's in relationships or married, that just adds to it. And, yeah, it sucks being alone and doing this.
- [09:25]
C
Let me just follow up on something you said, because you said, you know, when you're hanging out with some of your friends that have relationships, sometimes, well, you're happy for them. Sometimes it still hurts. Carrie was telling me last night that one of her best friends in Washington, D.C. just had a baby. So she goes to the hospital to spend time with the family and her best friend. And she said while she was happy for her best friend, there was a little part of her that was sad also that she's looking at her life right now. She's 34 and thinking, maybe this isn't going to happen for me.
- [09:52]
F
But you also have to remember, for a woman, this has been a dream of her since she was 6 years old. So for a woman at 34, 35, 40, whatever, to be single. And there is a part of her that has been taught that she's a failure because of that.
- [10:05]
C
Yeah, we talked about that.
- [10:05]
F
Yeah.
- [10:06]
C
Yeah.
- [10:06]
E
And my other question is, isn't that a human emotion, not just a female emotion, to not want to be alone? I mean, if you, Bert, were still single at this point, you were 37 years old, and you've been doing everything single your whole life. Just, you know, just say that somehow fate happened. You never met Stacy, you never got married, and you were 37, wouldn't you feel like you wanted to be with somebody, too? Isn't it a human emotion to want to share your life with someone?
- [10:31]
C
I think yes. But I also. And getting back to what Melissa said, you guys have the failure factor. Whereas I think if a guy ends up single his whole life, he doesn't look at it like, this is what I was bred to do is to be with somebody.
- [10:43]
D
Nobody looks at a guy who's 40 and single and says, oh, that poor guy's like, oh, he's living the bachelor life. But if you see a 40 year old woman who's never been married, we.
- [10:53]
F
Gotta set her up with somebody, let's get her. We gotta find somebody she can go out with.
- [10:56]
D
Poor thing, she's not gonna have any babies if she doesn't meet anybody soon.
- [10:59]
C
Good morning, Rebecca. You're on the Burke Show. Hello.
- [11:02]
G
Hey. I just wanted to agree with what you guys were saying about women basing their self worth on relationships. My mom is a really good example of that. She's 44 and has been married five times. But the common thing.
- [11:19]
D
I'm sorry, you said she is 44?
- [11:21]
G
Yes.
- [11:22]
D
And is that her fifth marriage?
- [11:24]
I
Yes.
- [11:25]
C
Wow.
- [11:25]
G
She's been married five times. But the common thing with all the marriages is that they've always been just really abusive and not really not relationships at all. But she's more depressed. If she's not in a relationship then she is. If she's in one, that's a bad relationship and that's just because she does. She feels like a failure if she's not with somebody and she is constantly depressed. And I'm always going to be alone and no one loves me. And so if they've got a pulse, she'll marry him.
- [11:56]
D
Better than nothing.
- [11:58]
C
Is that pretty? Is that a good example of how most women feel, do you think?
- [12:01]
F
Well, because I. The one thing I thought too was that men like their failure if their career isn't at a certain point by a certain age. Now, I don't think to a man, if he's not married by 40, he's a failure. But if he doesn't have that BMW or that Lexus by 40, he might be a failure. It's a totally different mindset.
- [12:17]
D
Just a somewhat related question. How many weddings do you attend for the same person before you no longer have a gift, obligation? Rebecca, is that like the third one?
- [12:27]
G
Well, I was actually only in this last wedding. The other weddings were kind of one of them. We found out the next day. Oh, congratulations.
- [12:38]
D
Meet your new daddy.
- [12:39]
C
What a pleasant surprise. Thanks for calling, Rebecca. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Just take a couple more calls and then we'll move on. Good morning. You're on the Burt Show.
- [12:47]
H
Hey, I could have been that last caller's mother. I was in an abusive relationship for five and a half years and I couldn't leave it because if I had left it, I wouldn't know what to wear when I got up. I wouldn't know what to eat. I mean, it was at the point where my boyfriend was choosing my job. He was telling me what to do, but I couldn't imagine being alone because I didn't know how to do it. And I was scared that, okay, I'm gonna get out there. How am I gonna know what to wear in the morning?
- [13:12]
C
How am I controlled you that much?
- [13:15]
H
He. Yeah, it was to the point and then. But when he was sweet, he'd be like. I was like, why are you the perfect boyfriend? Because when he was sweet, he was exactly like he was. The same way my dad treats my mom, which is perfect. My parents are the perfect relationship.
- [13:28]
D
What finally empowered you to bolt?
- [13:31]
H
Well, my mom and my best friend, he put my, like, my best friend, he put me pretty much. He took me on vacation and like, when I came back, he would not let me see him. And it wasn't my choice. But now that mean within, like, it took me about four months. I was in depression for four months.
- [13:50]
C
Why y' all just shaking your head?
- [13:51]
F
Well, just the. The comment. It wasn't my choice. You have your choice in everything you do.
- [13:55]
E
Yeah, but you can't come down hard on her because when you're in an abusive relationship like that, that's very hard cycle to break out of.
- [14:02]
F
Yes, very hard. I'm just telling women that you have a choice. So many women say that you have a choice, and if it means that you have to be rude sometimes in unladylike, then you have to. But I mean, too many women are in abusive relationships and they have the choice.
- [14:16]
C
How do you respond to that, Jen?
- [14:17]
E
I just think that her situation is of physical and very severe emotional abuse. That is not really what we're talking about right now. Like, I think. I think that the situation that she just described about him controlling her every move, telling her what she could wear, where she could work, where she could go, is different, a very different situation than these emails that we're talking about. Oh, look, my boyfriend gets other numbers from girls when he bartends. I think those women in the emails can get out a heck of a lot easier than what she can. Yes, it's her choice, but I just. It's not easy. It's not easy if you've been abused emotionally and controlled for a very long time.
- [14:53]
F
I think these emails are the beginning of what she just called to describe. The thing is, you have choices from every phase of the relationship. The fact that these men and these women in these emails won't leave yet, it's only gonna get worse. So in the very beginning, you have to see the signs that you have a choice and you don't have to be abused, and then you avoid what happens five years down the line.
- [15:11]
C
But are some, like, they just don't have the mentality and they just don't have the skills and they just don't have the mindset to get out? I suppose. So I guess you. And you don't know it until you're in it. Is that possible?
- [15:21]
I
Yeah.
- [15:22]
D
I agree that there's no way to test that until.
- [15:24]
C
Until you're in an abusive relationship.
- [15:26]
E
Right. But I agree with Melissa that it is. They chip away at it. And you're right. Five years down the road, you're in a relationship like hers.
- [15:32]
C
Hey, Christine.
- [15:34]
G
Hi.
- [15:34]
F
Hi.
- [15:34]
C
You're on all the hits. Q100.
- [15:36]
G
Hi. I was in a family like that too, where my mom was abused a lot. And it boils down to one thing. All these women, it boils down to one thing, and that is that they spend too much time loving somebody else and not enough time loving themselves. Because when you love yourself, everybody respects you more. And I had to go through that process.
- [15:53]
C
Where do women find this ego that you're talking about? Because the love yourself first thing obviously has to come from family. So what are our parents not doing?
- [16:03]
F
I think it goes, like I said.
- [16:04]
G
My mother went through all that. You know, I got to see her getting beat up and she didn't love herself and she was spending too much time, you know, with the relationship. She didn't spend enough time on me either.
- [16:15]
F
You know, I. The thing that. That's difficult because I don't think women are trained to have an ego like. And I guess I come from a family of parents that are married 50 years, but I've only seen my mother be an independent woman since she was a widow. She spent her life dedicated to my father. She moved whenever he had to move to a new job or when they were. He was in the military, she moved with him. She took care of the kids. She did everything for everybody else except herself until my father died and the children grew up. So I think women are taught that you. That nurturing part of you is emphasized and you have to make sure that everything's okay and everybody else is okay. And then you can, you know, if you focus on yourself, then that's unladylike. And I think it's very difficult road for women. You know, and as adults, I think that's what they are beginning to understand, that they have to learn to have an ego and it's a difficult thing.
- [17:05]
C
If you had one last comment on this, Jen, what would it be?
- [17:07]
E
I think that in order to prevent this in young girls and you have to have somebody that believes in you, somebody that tells you you can do anything that you want to do in your life and whether that's one parent, whether that's a male figure in your life, somebody that absolutely believes in you and tells you that they believe in you. I think gives you that spark of self esteem from the very start. And I think if that's nurtured over time, you do grow women with self esteems, you know.
- [17:33]
F
But a lot of times these women have to say it for themselves because that's a privileged position to be in. A woman can't choose to have someone tell her that. A lot of times a woman has to be to be the hero she's looking in someone else.
- [17:43]
D
I think all women should just act more like guys and be happy sitting on the couch and not talking about anything or analyzing everything. Just hang out and the world would be great.
- [17:51]
F
Yeah.
- [17:51]
C
Can't y' all just change today? Today?
- [17:52]
F
Sure. Make change.
- [17:53]
I
Be more like guys.
- [17:54]
F
We'll do it so that you can establish and stay yourself.
- [17:57]
C
Thanks for accommodating. We appreciate it. Hallelujah. The Birch show.
- [18:04]
I
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- [18:09]
C
Boba.
- [18:10]
I
Just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost. Yeah, I totally do. Yeah, I totally do.
- [18:18]
J
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- [18:34]
I
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- [18:39]
J
Wait, we're going on tour?
- [18:40]
I
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- [18:45]
J
Let's get in the tour bus and hit the road.
- [18:46]
I
No, not a tour bus. It's a regular car we use to deliver and set up customers phones at home or work.
- [18:51]
J
Are you a groupie on this tour?
- [18:52]
I
We deliver and set up phones. It's not a tour.
- [18:55]
J
Oh, you're definitely a groupie.
- [18:57]
I
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- [19:01]
J
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- [19:05]
A
Thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.
- [19:06]
J
Zoe. This thing weighs a ton.
- [19:08]
C
Kirsky, live with your legs man.
- [19:10]
I
Santa. Santa, did you get my letter?
- [19:11]
J
He's talking to you Bridges.
- [19:13]
C
I'm not.
- [19:14]
A
Of course he did.
- [19:15]
C
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- [19:19]
J
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- [19:29]
A
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C
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A
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- [19:41]
E
Nice.
- [19:41]
J
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- [19:42]
C
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- [19:45]
J
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