The Bert Show: Vault – What Are Doctors Really Hiding From You?

Release Date: February 13, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bert Show dives into the lesser-known truths of the medical world, inspired by a Reader’s Digest list compiled from the candid confessions of anonymous doctors. With their signature humor, skepticism, and authenticity, the hosts debate what doctors “really” do and don’t tell patients. Nurses and medical professionals call in to validate or challenge these inside revelations, resulting in a revealing, entertaining, and occasionally shocking conversation about modern healthcare dynamics, doctor-patient relationships, and medical culture.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Psychological Power Plays in Medicine

[02:06]

• Doctors reportedly put uncooperative patients in gowns to assert control and subservience.
  • Bert reads: “I was told in school to put a patient in a gown when he isn’t listening or cooperating. It casts him in a position of subservience.”
  • Kristin and the crew debate if this is manipulative or simply practical.

Notable Quote:

“Psychologically, absolutely. I mean, there’s that little itty bitty cloth thing, and your junk can be hanging out at any minute.” — Bert [02:13]

2. Doctors’ Tricks for Difficult Patients

[02:41]

• Some doctors stage a fake emergency page to escape chatty or problematic patients.
  • Bert: “If the pager goes off while you’re in there, you just may think, like, you’re being a big old pain in the butt.”

3. Easier to Prescribe (and Why DTC Ads Matter)

[03:03]

• Doctors will sometimes write unnecessary prescriptions just to appease insistent patients, particularly due to drug advertising.
  • Abby notes: “A lot of patients...see commercials now for specific medicines…The purpose is so that the patient demands it of the doctor.”

4. Pharmaceutical Influence & Ethics

[03:37]

• 94% of doctors have accepted gifts from pharmaceutical companies, despite known ethical concerns.
  • Cast compares this with media and legal professions, noting the apparent double standard.

Memorable Exchange:

“You can’t do that, really, in any business… But for whatever reason, in that industry, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, ‘Hey, we’re having a conference—finger quotes—at these houses down in Seaside, Florida.’” — Bert [04:05]

5. Hospital Hacks (and Hazards)

[05:03]

• Avoid Friday afternoon surgeries; hospitals are often understaffed on weekends.
• White coat length myth confirmed: the longer the coat, the more advanced the doctor.

Memorable Moment:

“Medical students wear the shortest coats.” — Bert quoting from the list [05:25]
“That can’t be real.” — Abby [05:42]

6. Defensive Medicine & Lawsuits

[05:48]

• Fear of litigation causes doctors to order extra (possibly unnecessary) tests.
  • Bert: “It makes me give patients a lot of unnecessary tests that are potentially harmful just so I don’t miss an injury or problem that comes back to haunt me…”

7. Behind-the-Scenes Opinions & Referrals

[06:06]

• Doctors often gossip about patients’ appearance.
• Many referrals are based merely on insurance, not any special interpersonal trust between doctors.

“Generally, we only know that they accept your insurance plan. I didn’t know that.” — Bert [06:34]

8. Waiting Room Realities

[07:02]

• Doctors often prioritize their own schedule; patients may wait for hours.
  • Bert recounts leaving an office after waiting three hours: “Three hours! How about a call?” [07:41]

9. Doctors’ Emotions & Hand Washing Lapses

[07:44]

• Some doctors cry about patient situations in private.
• 60% don’t follow hand-washing guidelines.

“That creeps me out. You don’t know whose hands, who they had their hands on before you.” — Kristin [08:02]

10. Covering for Each Other

[08:08]

• 46% admit to ignoring impaired or error-prone colleagues.

11. Attractiveness Bias

[08:57]

• Doctors admitted (in this survey) that younger and more attractive patients may get more time.

“If you are going into the hospital and there are three patients… and the doctor has time to give to one of them… 22-year-old getting right front of the line.” — Cassie [09:45]

12. Calls from Nurses – Real World Confirmation

Alyssa [10:21]:

• “I find it very, very accurate. Sometimes we get a little shocked about how doctors do respond to patients… certain fields… have that, ‘I’m better than you, you’ll be the submissive, subservient patient’.”

• Surgeons as “the gods of the medical field”—acknowledged egos.

  • “I want my surgeon arrogant.” — Bert [11:30]
  • Alyssa: “A lot of times the more arrogant, the worse.” [11:55]

• Operating Room Secrets:

  • Patients are joked about, poked fun at, or “wiggled and jiggled” under anesthesia (according to other nurses, not personal experience).

“They have said that their physicians, their surgeons have done some pretty mean things to these patients while they’re under.” — Alyssa [12:21]

13. White Coat Ranking Confirmed by Nurses

[13:01]

• RN caller confirms the coat-length hierarchy.

  • “If you are a medical student and you are in the hospital, you have a short coat… but they all wear long coats and then your medical students wear your short coat.” — Emory RN [13:09]

• Pro tip: Don’t schedule surgery July 1 (when new doctors start at teaching hospitals). [13:55]

14. Rebuttal on Drug Company Gifts & Reality of Medical Reps

Angel, OR Surgical Nurse [14:25]:

• Insists it’s illegal for doctors to accept gifts (even lunch) without an educational component; fines up to $100,000 per occurrence.

  • “If a rep brings lunch and they’re not giving some sort of educational in-service, it is against the law.” [14:25]

• Reps manage to skirt rules by including “education” with the lunch, but the cast expresses patients should come before reps in scheduling.

Memorable Quotes

• “I find it very, very accurate. Sometimes we get a little shocked about how doctors do respond to the patients...” — Alyssa, Nurse [10:28]
• “That creeps me out. You don’t know whose hands, who they had their hands on before you.” — Kristin [08:02]
• “If the next day [after surgery] is Saturday, you’re flying by yourself without a safety net because the units are understaffed…” — Bert, quoting a doctor [05:13]
• “It is against the law for doctors to take a gift. They fine up to $100,000 per event.” — Angel, Surgical Nurse [14:25]

Useful Timestamps for Key Segments

• Psychological tactics (patient gown): 02:06
• Doctor shortcuts/fake emergencies: 02:41
• Prescription pressures & ads: 03:03
• Pharma gifts & business ethics: 03:37
• Surgery timing warning: 05:03
• White coat/medical hierarchy: 05:25, 13:01
• Lawsuit-driven testing: 05:48
• Doctor referrals reality: 06:34
• Nurse call-ins with insider confirmation: 10:21, 13:01, 14:25

Tone and Takeaway

Lighthearted, candid, and sometimes irreverent, the cast maintains the spirit of open conversation—even when blowing the whistle on the medical profession. Nurse call-ins add depth and realism, often confirming the more shocking claims but also clarifying legal and practical realities.

Bottom line:
No need for paranoia, but the episode shows that the doctor-patient relationship hides plenty of unspoken, pragmatic, and even human quirks. From power dynamics and egos to waiting room etiquette and backroom gossip, medicine is full of secrets—some harmless, some outrage-worthy, most surprisingly relatable.