Vault: What Do You Do When You're In A Sexless Marriage?

Summary

The Bert Show: Vault — What Do You Do When You're In A Sexless Marriage?

Pionaire Podcasting | February 2, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode tackles the often-taboo topic of sexless marriages, inspired by a listener’s call about a mismatch in libido within her marriage. The Bert Show cast, along with multiple callers, candidly explore reasons behind dwindling intimacy, societal expectations versus reality, emotional impact on partners, and whether physically unfulfilled marriages are more widespread than people think.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Listener's Dilemma: Mismatched Sex Drive

• A listener (late 20s) is frustrated that her husband is only interested in sex about once every eight weeks, while her own libido is much higher.
• The hosts shared that they received numerous (and often inappropriate) emails from men offering to “help” the caller, underscoring how common the topic is (00:12–00:28).
• There was a sense that previous advice attempts had felt “unfulfilled”—neither practical nor satisfying.

2. Advice and Commentary from Hosts

• Suggestions included:
  • "Raise your game a little bit. Try something new." (Host 2, 00:55)
  • More extreme (and tongue-in-cheek) ideas like changing her “hair color,” “personality,” or even her name (“Destiny,” as a joke).
• The show referenced a CNN.com article on sexually troubled marriages, highlighting that sexual dissatisfaction is not limited by age, parenting status, or hormones (01:06–02:24).

3. Statistics and Societal Expectations

• Sexless marriage is generally defined as fewer than 10 sexual encounters per year.
  • "They estimate one in five couples, 20%, are in sexless marriages." (Host 2, 02:56)
• The unrealistic expectation of “eternally passionate sex” in long-term monogamy is challenged.
  • "People have the assumption that you can have long term, monogamous, hot sex. He says it's never been done on a large scale in the history of the world." (Host 2 quoting CNN, 03:05)
• The hosts debated, with some disagreement:
  • "Which I just don't agree with. Yeah, I just don't." (Host 2, 03:05)

4. Caller Perspectives: Women’s Experiences

Caller 1: 18 Years, No Interest from Husband

• Married 18 years:

  • "He does not want it ever." (Caller 1, 04:47)
  • Noted an initial interest that disappeared after children arrived.
  • Suspects husband may be seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere (via pornography).

• Emotional impact:

  • "It makes a woman feel very lonely to not be actually wanted by her husband." (Caller 1, 06:00)

Caller 2: Lost Libido After Children

• Married 5 years, lost sex drive after two kids:
  • "I just can't find the drive to do that... it makes me feel very incomplete. And then it causes a problem because my husband feels incomplete." (Caller 2, 06:15)
  • Body image and hormonal changes discussed, with no physical enjoyment or orgasm despite husband being attractive.
  • Drastic change in frequency, seven times a day pre-children to none (08:12).

5. Uncommon Experiences: Men Who Don’t Want Sex

• Hosts note the rarity of men admitting they don’t like sex, inviting calls from any willing to say so (08:52).
• Peer pressure stories, humorously dubbed “Craig is the penis whisperer” by Host 1 (09:51), showing how friends sometimes mediate sexual activity between couples.
• Hosts express skepticism about men truly having low sexual desire, especially straight men (08:55–11:15).

Male Callers’ Perspectives

• Caller “Todd” (pseudonym):
  • Gay man, 22, never enjoyed sex and only engages to please partners.
  • "I fully do not enjoy sex very much and I don't know why." (Todd, 13:05)
  • Hormones tested; no physical explanation found (13:26–13:51).
  • Discussion explores if being gay or lack of experience factors in.
  • Hosts ask for any straight men who feel the same; no one calls in.

6. Cheating and Emotional Needs

• Caller 4 shares perspective as “the other woman” with a married man:
  • "We more than just have sex. We go to the movies and we talk and have long conversations." (Caller 4, 11:25)
• Hosts revisit prior discussions if men would stay faithful to an otherwise difficult partner if sex is satisfying:
  • "I can get through all the other crap, but you gotta keep sex alive." (Host 2, 11:49)
• Gender differences in cheating rationales discussed—men compartmentalizing physical acts vs. women’s emotional buildup (05:40).

7. Humor and Light Moments

• Hosts use humor to relieve tension, like joking about “changing your name to Destiny” (01:04) or the mental visual of friends planning your spouse’s seduction (09:23–10:23).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You just sort of assume that guy, he's such a great guy...he’ll get better. As the relationship grows and it doesn’t, and you realize how big a deal a good sex life is."
  — Host 2 reading Laura Berman, sex therapist (01:29)

• "Therapists generally define sexless marriages as having sex less than 10 times a year. And they estimate one in five couples...are in sexless marriages."
  — Host 2 (02:56)

• "The expectation of eternally passionate sex may be setting people up to fail."
  — Host 2 quoting CNN (03:05)

• "It makes a woman feel very lonely to not be actually wanted by her husband."
  — Caller 1 (06:00)

• "I fully do not enjoy sex very much and I don't know why."
  — Todd (Caller 3, 13:05)

• "Craig is the penis whisperer."
  — Host 1 (09:51)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01–00:28: Introduction to caller’s dilemma and reactions
• 01:06–02:56: Scientific and cultural perspectives, sexless marriage statistics
• 04:47–06:07: Caller 1, 18-year marriage with no sex
• 06:15–08:37: Caller 2, lost libido after children
• 08:52–09:51: Hosts invite men with no sex drive to call
• 09:15–10:01: Craig plays “ambassador” for a friend’s marriage
• 11:25–12:45: Cheating, emotional needs, and patterns
• 13:05–14:03: Todd, a gay man who doesn’t enjoy sex
• 15:03–16:00: Wrap-up, lingering questions, playful banter

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Tone and Style

True to The Bert Show’s style, the episode is frank, real, occasionally irreverent, but compassionate and open to all perspectives. The humor lightens the weight of the topic, but real emotional struggles are acknowledged and validated by both hosts and callers.

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This episode is a candid conversation illuminating the reality and complexities behind sexless marriages, with real listener voices and a mix of humor, empathy, personal experience, and eye-opening statistics. Even if you haven’t lived through this issue yourself, you’re left with a more nuanced understanding—and a few memorable laughs along the way.

Transcript

[Host 1]

The Birch Show.

[Host 2]

We took a call from a Birch show listener, I think she said she was like 27, 28 years old, and her sex drive is just like out of the park compared to her husband. Like, they're having sex once every eight weeks or something like that, right? Yeah.

[Host 3]

Turning her down constantly. And they have, what, two or three kids? Right?

[Host 1]

How many emails did you guys get from guys saying, look, I'll help her out on, you know, on the DL, but I'll hook her up?

[Host 2]

That's just.

[Host 3]

You send me her number.

[Host 1]

I seriously got about half a dozen of them. I mean, like, from people I knew. I got like 20 from people I didn't know.

[Host 2]

We. So we talked to her for a little while and then we tried to get some advice for her, but I kind of felt like unfulfilled. Like there wasn't any real.

[Host 3]

Well, there was a couple different things. I mean, people said first of all to leave him alone and stop badgering him about it, but she had kind of already tried that, Right. And then didn't she already try that?

[Host 2]

Yeah, she didn't badger him. And then they've gone two months without sex.

[Caller 1]

Right.

[Host 3]

And then what else do we say? Start getting maybe a little bit naughtier with him.

[Host 2]

Raise your game a little bit. Try something new. One guy said, just completely change everything. Your hair color, you know, your personality. Yeah, everything.

[Host 3]

Change your name. Make him call you Destiny.

[Host 2]

So this is from CNN.com and it's sexually incompatible troubled marriages. And it says, I'm gonna paraphrase. I'm gonna bounce around all throughout this article.

[Host 3]

It's actually pretty interesting because this guy blames the institution of marriage basically more than anything.

[Host 2]

He says that, look, if you think you're gonna have mind blowing sex your entire relationship, you're crazy. You're living a dream that you're just. It won't. Like I said, I'll bounce around from paragraph to paragraph. Sexually unfulfilling marriages aren't limited to new parents or aging baby boomers with hormone imbalances. They can ensnare even the relatively young and the relatively recently married when they are unable to blame kids, stress, or physical issues. Many couples struggle unhappily to identify and resolve the problems behind their lackluster sex. Laura Berman is a sex therapist in Chicago and says, we put the blinders on when we're dating. We focus so much on the wedding that we don't notice the warning signs. We talked a little bit about this yesterday. Like, you just sort of just assume that guy, he's such a great guy. She's so great. Yeah, she's not that good in bed. You know what? But you know what? We'll get better. She'll get better, or he'll get better. As the relationship grows and it doesn't, and you've got everything else. And then you realize how big a deal good sex life is. Other couples enter into relationships with so. So chemistry because they think they're in love and overlook key differences. Couples wondering where the sex went should be asking if it ever really was there. And here's the staggering statistic. Therapists generally define sexless marriages as having sex less than 10 times a year. And they estimate one in five couples, 20%, are in sexless marriages.

[Host 3]

That's less than 10 times in one year.

[Host 1]

Once about every month.

[Host 2]

Every six weeks or something.

[Host 1]

Yeah, five or six weeks.

[Host 2]

Klein notes that the expectation of eternally passionate sex may be setting people up to fail. People have the assumption that you can have long term, monogamous, hot sex. He says it's never been done on a large scale in the history of the world. Which I just don't agree with. Yeah, I just don't. I've seen those old people on that hbo. What was that, Joe?

[Host 1]

Not the real sex people, right?

[Host 2]

No, no.

[Host 1]

Sitting around in a corner at age 76 talking about Kamasutra crap.

[Host 2]

God, that's Jen's next retreat. But once again, let me read that, because if you're in, like, a long term marriage, maybe you could say, yeah, that's absolutely true. I mean, and everybody in any relationship, not every time, is gonna be, you know, a home run. But as far as a general rule goes, is what he's saying is that the expectation of eternally passionate sex may be setting people up to fail. People have the assumption that you can have long term, monogamous, hot sex. He says it's never been done on a large scale in the history of the world.

[Host 3]

Maybe somebody can prove it wrong.

[Host 2]

That is a bummer if that is true.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

This came in from a Birch show listener yesterday that said that, you know, what you didn't ask is that there are some guys that just don't like sex.

[Host 3]

Really?

[Host 2]

That's what she said. They exist. She's married to one of them.

[Host 1]

And who are these?

[Host 2]

We both know one.

[Host 3]

Who are these strange creatures? You do?

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Do I know them?

[Host 1]

I don't know if Bert heard the second part.

[Host 2]

I did.

[Host 1]

Okay.

[Host 2]

Good morning, Carol. You are on Q100. Good morning.

[Caller 1]

Hi. Good morning.

[Host 2]

Hi.

[Caller 1]

You know, I wanted just to say that I've been married for 18 years. I am 38 years old and my husband is 43. And he does not want it ever.

[Host 2]

Has he ever wanted it?

[Caller 1]

Well, yeah, in the very beginning, up until like we had children. And then after that it was like, it's just nothing. I mean, it's, it's. When it's convenient for him, it's all about him. And it's never about.

[Host 1]

Do you think when you're not around he is.

[Caller 1]

Porno fights on the computer. So I mean, I. I don't know what physically I have done to make him not attractive to me, but he's not. So in return, do I think that women will cheat because of that? Because their man's not giving them what they need? Probably. So have I cheated? No.

[Host 2]

Yeah. I think the statistics show that when guys cheat there's like this, some physical need about it they can justify because it's just physical and they can separate. Whereas women have built up this. This case in their mind for so long and they finally give it into. Into it that in their own mind they say, well, he sort of forced me into it.

[Caller 1]

I mean, it makes a woman feel very lonely to not be actually wanted by her husband.

[Host 2]

No doubt. Thank you for calling. That sucks.

[Caller 1]

Oh, you're welcome.

[Host 1]

Thank you.

[Host 2]

Bye bye. Yeah, that's not gonna be the only call like that. For sure. Hey, Cindy, good Morning. You're on Q100.

[Caller 1]

Hi. I was just gonna say that my husband and I have been married for about five years now and gone from a very passionate relationship to a non existent one. And it's actually my fault. I have no drive whatsoever. You know, we have two children and I just can't. I don't feel good about my body and I just can't find the drive to do that. But there's other things that you can do for your husband. I mean, he would never cheat on me. That's like not an issue. But I feel terrible because, you know, I can't move past this. And I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or. But it makes me feel very incomplete. And then it causes a problem because my husband feels incomplete.

[Host 2]

So you just don't want, you. You feel so poorly about your body. You just don't want him to see you naked. You're taking care of him, just not in, you know.

[Caller 1]

Well, it's not just that. I gained £100 with each one of my kids. So I went from 120 pounds to, you know, 200 pounds. And now I've lost back down and I'm about 150. But I still just. I. Hormonally, I mean, just. It's hard for me to have an orgasm. I just hormonally cannot find any kind of a passionate drive within myself. And it's not that he doesn't turn me on.

[Host 2]

How often, how often are you guys doing it?

[Caller 1]

It's probably been like two months and. And I'm 27.

[Host 3]

Are you on any sort of birth control?

[Caller 1]

No, I can't. I've had my two side. I don't have. I haven't had very good luck as far as that apartment goes. And so I have a lot of problems.

[Host 3]

Well, you may. It may be something physically you should talk to your doctor about too, you know.

[Caller 1]

Well, I have, and she said that it's very common for women who have babies back to back to have that hormonal impact lens. But my kids are now one and three and I'm still having it and I just don't enjoy sex anymore. I can't have an orgasm. I don't enjoy it. I don't know what's wrong. We went from having sex seven times a day to not at all.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I wonder.

[Host 3]

You got two kids.

[Host 2]

It's not uncommon. I mean, the statistics are showing 20% of marriages in the country are like that. I want to talk to some of these dudes because I don't think if a guy doesn't like sex, the words have. He has never uttered those words before.

[Host 3]

We use the voice disguiser, Ray.

[Host 1]

Use the voice disguiser.

[Host 2]

No guy has ever said, I just don't like sex.

[Host 1]

But the guy that you mentioned, we'll say that.

[Host 2]

Does he just not like sex with his partner or he just does not.

[Host 1]

Like sex, does not like it.

[Host 2]

If you're a guy, I want to hear the words come out of your mouth. I just don't like sex. 404-741-Q100. Hey, Craig, good morning. You're on Q100. Hi.

[Caller 3]

Hi.

[Caller 2]

Yeah, I've got a friend who doesn't like sex and I'm friends with his wife as well. And we kind of get on behind his back. Like, not get on, but we kind of get together behind his back and plan it out. So when he's on his way home from work, I'll call him, be like, all right, you know you're gonna have sex with your wife when you get home and kind of peer pressure him into it. And then I'll call her and tell her, okay, this is what he wants. He's all hoping that you're gonna be looking like this. So get this together. And so, you know, so maybe that might work for some women.

[Host 2]

Like the ambassador. Between the two of them.

[Caller 2]

Yeah. He doesn't know what's going on.

[Host 1]

So what's your first name?

[Caller 3]

Craig.

[Host 1]

So you're the. Craig is the penis whisperer.

[Host 2]

Oh, yeah, he's the ambassador.

[Host 1]

He's got an A and an S. And an S in it.

[Caller 2]

Yeah. I mean, some peer pressure would work, so if they could find a guy friend to help him out, you know, but.

[Host 1]

So you're so his.

[Host 2]

Did you volunteer for that? And somebody asked?

[Host 1]

Well, I think this is weird because, Bert, I want you to imagine this because, like, you know, like, Dolvett's one of your best friends, right? So I want you to imagine having a conversation with him and telling him what you want Stacy wearing and doing to you when you get home.

[Caller 1]

Damn.

[Host 1]

Then he gets off the phone with you and calls your wife and tells her how to dress and what to do.

[Caller 2]

Oh, not my house.

[Host 1]

Hey, Stacy. What's up, Stalvet? You still got that French maid? Get up. All right, this is gonna sound weird. You have any mustard packets? And a Cabbage Patch Dog.

[Host 3]

Don't, don't, don't. Your mind is too twisted to start giving examples in this conversation.

[Host 2]

Still no guy willing to say, I just don't like sex. Good morning, Casey. You're on Q100.

[Caller 4]

Hey, Q100.

[Host 2]

Good morning, Casey.

[Host 1]

Hey, Casey.

[Caller 4]

I don't think it's the fact that men don't have sex. I just think that a lot of men are just willing to cheat on their spouses because I'm actually dealing with a guy. He's been only married a year, and we cheated a few times, and I've known him since I was 17, so I basically knew him since before he was married. And we more than just have sex. We go to the movies and we talk and have long conversations. We just hang out.

[Host 2]

Haven't we had this talk on the air before that. As a general rule, we asked women. As a general. No, it was guys. As a general rule, if your woman keeps you satisfied sexually, but even in no other area, like, you can't stand her. You can't stand her.

[Host 3]

Even just the sound of her voice bugs you.

[Host 2]

But the sex is good and he will not stray.

[Host 3]

I don't know.

[Host 2]

We've asked it before, and most guys called up and said, yeah, that's true.

[Host 3]

Really?

[Host 2]

Yeah. I can get through all the other crap, but you Gotta keep sex alive.

[Host 3]

You can be a royal pain in the butt.

[Host 2]

Do you think that's a true statement?

[Caller 4]

No. Cause I me, myself, I think it's kind of a body thing. Like when I saw that he was married and I saw her, I'm like, wow, you went from this to that. You know, I think just because she doesn't pry in his life, I think that's what it is. I was the person who pried in his life. So our relationship ended and then he married her, so.

[Host 3]

Oh, so you tried to force him to be more emotional and express his feelings and he ran from that.

[Caller 4]

Yes.

[Host 3]

He's back and now he's back.

[Caller 4]

Yeah, but he used to cheat on her when they used to date in college, so.

[Host 3]

Now would you ever get together with him if he left her?

[Caller 4]

No, not really. Because I think that's kind of a hereditary thing. He's a product of cheating people. So I think it just follows. I think people like that, they don't get out of that world. And that was the case, I guess I was married.

[Host 2]

Boy, if you. I'll tell you what, man. If you've been around that your whole life, it is tough to shake. Those demons are definitely passed from one person to the other. Todd is willing to say it. Hey, Todd.

[Caller 3]

Hey.

[Host 3]

That's not your real name, is it?

[Caller 3]

No.

[Host 2]

Oh, hell no.

[Host 1]

You'd be on the voice disguiser even if you didn't ask for it.

[Caller 3]

Yeah, just a little bit. Yeah. I fully do not enjoy sex very much and I don't know why.

[Host 2]

You never have enjoyed sex?

[Caller 3]

No, and I actually just didn't. I didn't lose my virginity show just recently either.

[Host 2]

How old are you?

[Caller 3]

22.

[Host 1]

Have you ever looked into a hormonal reason or something?

[Caller 3]

I've actually had more hormones tested when I was younger, but the test came back normal. Back when I was younger. I was around 16.

[Host 3]

Why were you tested at 16? For hormones.

[Caller 3]

I was actually shorter. A lot shorter. They were afraid I wasn't going to grow. I was going to be a midget. I grew, but I didn't grow fully to what they said I was going to grow, but they tested all my hormones for that.

[Host 2]

Laugh at that out loud, huh, Jeff? I'm just talking to Jeff.

[Host 3]

Well, and do you think that it could be because you don't have a lot of sexual experience, that maybe you would like it more if you had it more?

[Caller 3]

Had it more? I thought about that, but I don't know, really, so. But I usually do have sex with my partners just to Please them because I feel bad if I don't kind of thing.

[Host 2]

Are you. Are you gay?

[Caller 3]

Yes, I am.

[Host 2]

Okay. There's one guy just not just sort on the fence about gay. I mean, gay about sex. You're definitely not on the fence about gay. You're definitely on one side. It's the sex. Thank you for calling. Hey, Mom, Appreciate it.

[Caller 3]

Bye.

[Host 3]

Okay, you have to clarify. Is there any straight man willing to call up and say that they don't enjoy sex?

[Host 2]

Why would that be any different?

[Host 3]

Because I think that physically it's different.

[Host 2]

Why?

[Host 1]

Really?

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Well, the pieces. Parts are different.

[Host 1]

Yeah, but aren't you still.

[Host 2]

A drive is a drive and you're attracted to.

[Host 1]

What you're attracted to isn't that. I don't know if it's an, I don't know, urban legend or myth or whatever, but isn't the perception that gay dudes have a more active sex life?

[Host 3]

That's the perception for sure.

[Host 1]

So I would think it's more shocking if a gay guy.

[Host 3]

But he said he was only doing it to please his partners. I don't know. We can't talk about the specifics of what I need to explain. To explain my point, but I'll tell.

[Host 2]

You off the air, that'll make great radio.

[Caller 2]

I mean, I can't.

[Host 3]

I just can't say it. But I mean, I think that if you think about it long enough, you know what I'm trying to say?

[Host 2]

Like, I don't really. I swear to you I don't. Because to me, like, you're looking at that as a heterosexual person. Yeah.

[Host 3]

If he's receiving.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 3]

Then maybe there's a reason why he doesn't enjoy it.

[Host 2]

Gotcha.

[Host 1]

Oh, because I got it. Yeah.

[Caller 1]

Gotcha.

[Host 1]

What does that hand signal. Wow, look at this. That's sign language.

[Host 2]

I don't know what to get out of this, but maybe we should hold.

[Host 1]

Charades with Jen Hobby. She'll do the hand signal, we'll put the picture online.

[Host 3]

It's like, whose Line Is It Anyway?

[Host 1]

The Birch Show?