Vault: What Was Your Kid's First Curse Word?

Summary

The Bert Show (Pionaire Podcasting)

Vault: What Was Your Kid's First Curse Word?

Release Date: January 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lighthearted and relatable episode, the Bert Show cast shares hilarious (and sometimes mortifying) stories about the first time their kids uttered a curse word. The discussion mixes personal anecdotes, listener call-ins, and reflections on how children absorb adult language. The hosts debate how parents should react in the moment, swap parenting advice, and bond over the shared sense of embarrassment and amusement that accompanies these "milestone" moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Kids Pick Up Cuss Words

• Jeff opens the show reflecting on how even careful parents inevitably slip up and kids absorb more than expected:

  “I thought we were doing a pretty good job of monitoring and editing ourselves, but I guess we’re not.” (00:13, Jeff)

• The cast jokes about blaming each other or their spouses for where the language comes from.
• Several hosts admit that despite best intentions, profanities sneak into the family vernacular, especially during stressful moments.

2. Jeff’s Story: Hayden’s First F-Bomb

• Jeff describes a memorable incident at a silent movie theater watching Chicken Little:

  “He gets upset. And he said he drops the F bomb—Effin cup—in the middle of the theater.” (02:41, Jeff)

• Jeff and Stacy’s initial reaction is denial, trying to convince themselves they misheard. But later, at home, Hayden confirms it:

  “So I asked him, I said, what did you just say, Hayden? And clear as day, he says, effing dog right to me.” (04:46, Jeff)

• The cast is impressed by Hayden’s contextual usage, debating whether this is a sign of linguistic talent or household sloppiness.

  “Not only did he get the word, but he also used it as an adjective in context…. That’s a brilliant first use of the F word.” (03:04, Melissa)

3. How (and Whether) to Correct Kids

• Discussion turns to whether parents should address the bad word or ignore it so as not to give it extra power.

  “You don’t wanna laugh. You don’t wanna come down too hard. You don’t wanna bring attention to it.” (04:14, Jeff referencing Stacy)

• Melissa suggests replacing the word with a softer term after a cooling-off period:

  “You and Stacy have to eliminate that word.... Then like, a month from now, if he’s still using it, then you say, ‘Oh, we don’t say that. You say, darn dog.’” (05:17, Melissa)

4. Parental Blame and Realizations

• Jeff admits most parents, privately, blame the other partner for their child’s language slip.

  “In the back of your mind, you immediately blame the other parent…. But then I caught myself.” (05:31–05:58, Jeff)

• The crew relates, acknowledging moments when self-awareness hits.

5. Listener Call-Ins: More Hilarious First Curse Word Stories

• Stacy: Her four-year-old son curses after dropping food at a church brunch:

  “…Sunday brunch after church…. My son dropped his broccoli casserole on his lap and says the sh. word, like, pretty loud under his breath…. The room fell dead silent.” (07:02, Stacy)

• Jeremy: His two-year-old daughter objects to watching Barney, exclaiming:

  “Nah, Barney’s a bitch.” (09:14, Jeremy)

• Sherry: Her daughter refers to a toy gun as an “F A U” (FU), having absorbed it from action movies:

  “She thought the gun was called that because in the movies…they say it.” (12:10–12:26, Sherry) Later, the same little girl mimics her father’s road rage by calling a bad driver an “ask a moron,” to her parents’ horror and amusement.

6. Why It’s So Memorable (and Mortifying)

• Everybody agrees that the shock and comedy of hearing a tiny voice curse is powerful—a memory that endures, regardless of embarrassment.

  “It’s so scary. It’s unbelievable to hear your little angels say those things.” (12:57, Sherry)

• The hosts underscore how quickly kids pick up on everything adults do and say:

  "You realize how much they're picking up. You don't even realize they're listening." (10:12, Mary)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Well, he learned it from the best, I guess.” (03:22, Jeff, joking about Hayden’s talent for cussing)
• “If my kid properly used the F bomb because Sasha took a hot dog out of his hands, I would…be in tears.” (04:26, Melissa)
• “You always want to blame the other parent. Anything that’s wrong with your kid.... It had to be Mom.” (08:01, Jeff)
• “Did you explain to him that Barney is androgynous and therefore couldn’t be a bitch?” (09:53, Melissa, playing devil’s advocate about Jeremy’s daughter's comment)
• “There are times where it’s like you can’t quite make it out. So you almost talk yourself into like, they couldn’t have just said that, but there it is, clear as day.” (10:04, Jeff)
• “That kid…will have a glossary of words.” (11:11, Karen, joking about giving Melissa charge of Jeff’s son)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Jeff’s Movie Theater Story (Hayden’s first F-bomb): 01:17–04:46
• How to Handle Kids Cussing (Parenting Debate): 04:11–05:40
• Listener Call-In: Stacy, Cursing at Church Brunch: 07:02–08:01
• Listener Call-In: Jeremy’s Daughter & ‘Barney’: 09:10–10:04
• Listener Call-In: Sherry’s Daughter, Action Movies, and Road Rage: 11:23–12:57

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode is warm, candid, and playful, packed with good-natured ribbing and laughter. While ribald, the hosts maintain a family-friendly undercurrent, often undercutting shock with practical parenting wisdom and empathetic honesty. The humor is self-deprecating, and no one is precious about their parenting mistakes.

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Overall Takeaway

This Bert Show episode spotlights a rite of passage for parents: the unexpected, laugh-out-loud moments when kids mimic adult language. Listeners are reminded to be mindful of what they say around little ears—but also to savor the hilarity and humanity of these fleeting, memorable parenting struggles.

Transcript

[Jeff]

The first show, I'm guessing one of the butterfly kisses you moments that you never forget is the first time that your kid laid down his first or her first curse word, cuss word.

[Melissa]

I thought you and Stacy were gonna eliminate the profanities in la casa.

[Jeff]

Well, I guess when you're a parent, you just kind of forget there. I mean, it's been so we throw that. We throw it around so often that I thought we were doing a pretty good job of monitoring and editing ourselves, but I guess we're not.

[Melissa]

You said like, right when he was born, like when he like six months old. I remember you came in here and said that you were actually very proud of yourselves because you eliminated it.

[Jeff]

Thought we were doing pretty well.

[Melissa]

Not so much, huh?

[Mary]

Which bombs do you drop the most often? The sh. Bomb.

[Jeff]

I don't know. I really don't. I thought we had a pretty good handle on it. I really don't know.

[Melissa]

When you're mad at Stacey, what do you call her?

[Jeff]

There are so many. I guess we must be dropping the F bomb around the house fairly often. Although I don't really recall doing it.

[Karen]

But when did Hayden drop it and where?

[Jeff]

404-741-1005. Oh, you'll remember the first time your kid ever cussed in public for us. It was a. It's a sweet little story of being in a silent movie theater for Chicken Little last week.

[Karen]

Oh, no.

[Jeff]

Oh, this is good. When we're watching Chicken Little and I'm sitting in one seat and Hayden, our three year old, is in between us and he's barely even heavy enough now to keep the seat weighted down. I actually have to keep my hand on the seat. Or it bounces back and he falls in into the crease between the cushion and the back of it, you know, that's great.

[Jeremy]

So little.

[Jeff]

He is chicken legal.

[Melissa]

Isn't that a family thing, though? Like, doesn't Stacy keep her hand on your seat also?

[Jeff]

It's a domino effect. One person moves, the whole row goes up. So, I mean, he's barely even old enough to sit in the seat by himself. Right? So we're watching the movie and, you know, theaters are quiet and he has a water bottle, like a Dasani or something. Or maybe it was just his cup that we put the water in and the circumference of the bottle, I guess was just too small and it wouldn't stay in the holder, the cup holder. Like, sometimes he could angle it and it was fine, and other times it would just fall through the hole. You Know, and fall onto the floor. So we're in the middle of the movie, and I guess he's been struggling with it for about an hour. For about an hour. And, you know, every time he drops it, I put it back up in there, and we both kind of manipulate it together to keep in that cup holder. And I guess about an hour in, it drops through the hole again, and he gets upset. And he said he drops the F bomb Effin cup in the middle of the theater.

[Mary]

No, he did.

[Jeff]

Yes, he did. Now, Stacy and I immediately looked at each other and were like, did he just say what we thought he said? Did he just say. And she said, no, no, no, no. It couldn't have been. It couldn't have been. So it only happened one time, and we just blew it off like he was saying something else.

[Melissa]

That's great. Not only did he use it, but he knew how to use it.

[Jeff]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Melissa]

Beautiful. Like, not only did he get the word, but he also used it, you know, as an adjective in context. Correct. Like, and there's so many uses of that word. That's a brilliant first use of the F word.

[Jeff]

Yeah. My child prodigy.

[Melissa]

What if that's his gift? What if that's the one thing he's really good at?

[Jeff]

Cussing?

[Mary]

Yep.

[Jeff]

Well, he learned it from the best, I guess. So as we're in the parking lot, Stacy and I, and we have Hayden in our hand again. And we're walking through the parking lot, and Stacy and I start talking about it, and we say, did we hear what we think we heard? And she said, I don't think so. I just think we heard it wrong.

[Mary]

Right.

[Jeff]

So yesterday, we're all sitting around the counter, and when Hayden is playing with his food, sometimes he keeps it down at his side.

[Karen]

Now, where are you again? I'm sorry.

[Jeff]

We're in our kitchen. We have a kitchen. And he's at the counter, and he's eating.

[Karen]

Okay.

[Jeff]

And sometimes when he doesn't have the food in his mouth, he'll put it down at his side, and it just sits down there at the side. Then he eats it when he wants. So he puts, like, a hot dog or something down, and the dog comes by, and he grabs his hot dog, and Hayden says, effing dog.

[Sherry]

Two correct uses of the F5.

[Melissa]

Well done.

[Karen]

Wow.

[Jeff]

Completely clearly. And Stacy's sitting there, and I am sitting there, and. And she mouths the words to me. Don't say anything. Like, you don't wanna laugh. You don't wanna come down too hard. You don't wanna bring attention to it.

[Melissa]

I would've had to leave the room. If that was my kid and he did that, I would be on the floor, I would be crying. I would be in tears. If my kid properly used the F bomb because Sasha took a hot dog out of his hands, I would. That kid would think that he just said the greatest thing in the world because I would have to leave the house.

[Jeff]

It's humiliating. Now, it was clear as day. But as a father, I was like, no, he didn't just say that. So I asked him, I said, what did you just say, Hayden? And clear as day, he says, effing dog right to me. So I said, okay. And I just walked away from it. I didn't correct him. I didn't say it was a bad word. I didn't say it was a good word. I didn't laugh. I just let it go. But clear as day. And like you said, he used it in the right context, too.

[Mary]

Oh, my gosh. Now what Stacy said is right, though. Aren't you supposed to just not bring any attention to it?

[Jeff]

I don't know. I don't have the problem.

[Mary]

What else does he do if he keeps using it?

[Jeff]

I don't know.

[Melissa]

I think what you have to do is you and Stacy have to eliminate that word. Like, above and beyond. You have to completely eliminate that word. And then like, a month from now, if he's still using it, then you say, oh, we don't. We don't say that. You say, darn dog.

[Jeff]

Well, I think parents won't admit this publicly, but I think privately, when something happens with your kid like that, in the back of your mind, you immediately blame the other parent. Because I'm thinking, Stacy's cussing all the time. She does curse a lot. And I've always felt like she curses more than I do. So I didn't say anything to her at the time, but I'm like, this is all about Stacy. But we're in the car together yesterday after this whole incident, and we're driving to get that truck I was telling you about earlier. And I forget if somebody cut us off or somebody was driving really slow and I dropped the F bomb at the guy in the car, and I caught myself. It was me. It's me. So I think the combination of both of us is just. He caught onto it, and he's using it in perfect sentences now.

[Karen]

Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

[Mary]

And he's got the cutest little voice, too.

[Jeff]

I can't imagine that.

[Melissa]

Can you get that on tape.

[Jeff]

There's no way. I'd have to follow him around and tick them off all day long.

[Melissa]

Yeah, just do stuff to him. Like, can't. Why can't you loosen a part on his toy so it doesn't work properly? Can you loosen a wheel on his bike so it just keeps going in circles or something?

[Jeff]

I don't think it's something you can set up. Jeff.

[Melissa]

Will you try.

[Jeff]

No, I'm not trying to encourage it.

[Melissa]

I'll buy it from you. I'll give you 150 bucks for it.

[Jeff]

Really?

[Mary]

It'll be just.

[Jeff]

Hey, Mary, you're on the virtual.

[Melissa]

If you can get him to say effing phone, I will give you $200.

[Jeff]

You're gonna make it your ring back.

[Sherry]

Yes.

[Melissa]

Little kid voice on my phone. You got an effing call.

[Jeff]

What's up, Mary?

[Stacy]

My son was 4. We're eating brunch after. Well, Sunday brunch after church. We have about 15 people in laws. Church people. My son dropped his broccoli casserole on his lap and says the sh. Word, like, pretty loud under his breath. And my husband and I look at each other and we kind of blow it off. He tries to pick up the broccoli casserole again to put it on his plate and drops it. And this time it's loud Sh. And we were like, oh, my God. The room fell dead silent. Everybody looked at me. My in laws looked at me. We were all like, oh, my God. We didn't know what to do. How do you save yourself from that? And of course, after, you know, the.

[Sherry]

Whole deal, and you're in front of.

[Jeff]

All these church people and you just left the land. Yeah.

[Stacy]

Oh, it was drastic. My husband looks at me afterwards, and he was like, you know that that's you. Every single time something happens, that is you. I was like, okay, I'm not the only grown up in the freaking house.

[Jeff]

There you have it. Yeah. You always want to blame the other parent. Anything that's wrong with your kid. And it's definitely not your. It couldn't have been me. I had to be Mom.

[Melissa]

Do you correct Hayden if he's using words wrong incorrectly? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Karen]

No, but, like, so that answers your question, Jeff.

[Jeff]

No.

[Melissa]

Do you correct him if he's using, like, the wrong word for, you know, like, if he's calling a telephone, whatever. Something else?

[Jeff]

Yeah. Like, if I'm on the phone with somebody, he'll say, what is. What was that? And I say, it's. Who was that?

[Melissa]

Right. So can you just tell him that he's using the F word incorrectly and it's actually freaking.

[Jeff]

No, I don't even want him saying that.

[Mary]

Yeah, that's still bad language in little kid circles. And when he goes to school, you don't want him using, but have him.

[Melissa]

Be okay with it.

[Jeff]

Well, you remember when we had Kevin Smith in here? He said I had like a three or four year old and he let him curse and he thinks it's the funniest thing. And he said when they got to be at age like 5 or 6, they weren't using the word at all anymore because it was like having the key to the kingdom. They just, it's not a big deal, right?

[Melissa]

Until he gives a kindergarten and he's like, get off my effing felt board.

[Jeff]

Hey, Jeremy.

[Jeremy]

Hey. What's going on, guys?

[Jeff]

Hi.

[Melissa]

Hey.

[Jeremy]

I was gonna tell you one story, but this one's funny that my, my 4 year old daughter, she was about 2 years old at the time and we're going over to my wife's parents house and you know, they were gonna put a movie on for my daughter Tori and she said my wife's dad was like, well, do you want to watch? Do you want to watch Barney? And my daughter said, nah, Barney's a bitch.

[Jeff]

Great.

[Jeremy]

I mean, do you correct him on stuff like that or let it happen? You know, it was so funny.

[Jeff]

Well, in that case, I mean, it's a real struggle not to laugh, but then you realize how serious it is. Like once they get out of it.

[Karen]

She'S using correct grammar.

[Melissa]

Did you explain to him that Barney is androgynous and therefore couldn't be a bitch?

[Jeremy]

I didn't know what to say. I mean, my father in law wasn't too happy, but oh my God, we were all rolling. It was hilarious.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

And there are times where it's like you can't quite make it out. So you almost talk yourself into like, they couldn't have just said that, but there it is, clear as day.

[Mary]

You realize how much they're picking up. You don't even realize they're listening to hey Sherry.

[Jeff]

Good morning. Hold on. Sherry, good morning.

[Stacy]

But when she was three, she was sitting at the kitchen table and it must have been in the springtime. And our dog was outside and the windows were open and he was barking really loud just, you know, incessantly. She slammed her fist down on the table and she said, GD it, Cosby. Shut up. I had to walk out of the room before I corrected her. I had to walk out of the room because I was like laughing so hard.

[Jeff]

Three years old.

[Stacy]

She was about three years old, but she's 16 now.

[Karen]

I mean, yeah, no, I'm glad I made the decision not to be a mom because especially in the car I talk about my road rage. That kid, I mean, yeah, no, I would never remember when I've cussed. I know I cuss all the time.

[Jeff]

I thought we were doing really, really well. I really did, but I guess not.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Melissa would be the worst if you had to put a car seat. You should let Melissa watch Hayden for a weekend.

[Karen]

Forget, have him in the backseat of the car. He'll be, yeah, he'll have a glossary of words.

[Melissa]

Yeah, Melissa cusses more than you probably cuss in a week. Just backing into a parking spot here in the building.

[Jeff]

Hey, Karen. Good morning.

[Sherry]

Good morning. I love these stories. My husband was guilty of watching the Terminator and the Mel Gibson let the weapon movies when our girl was about that age, three years old. And I kept telling my husband, you know, you can't watch those movies. She's at the age where she's gonna pick up those things. He said, oh, she's not paying attention. She's playing with her tea set. She's doing this and that, you know. So my mom come down for a visit from out of town and we're taking our little one to the toy store. My mom and I and my little, my little girl, beautiful blue eyed little baby girl says, looks at a toy gun and picks it up and says, oh, F A U. And my mom looks at me like, what did she just say? And I said, honey, what, what did you call this? F A U. You get what I'm saying?

[Stacy]

What she's calling it F A U.

[Sherry]

An F U. F A U. She added like a A at the end of the F word.

[Karen]

Uh huh.

[Sherry]

She thought the gun was called that because in the movies that daddy had been watching, they point the gun at so and so and they say it.

[Jeff]

So she associated the word of the gun with fu.

[Sherry]

My husband uses that all the time. You know, driving down the road, he's so bad he'll call people asking more on this and that. I come home, I busted him and everything. He said, no, no, she didn't get that from me. She doesn't get it from me because I don't cuss. About a week later we're in the car and he got cut off. And before my husband could say a word from the back seat, she says, ask a moron Daddy. I just looked at him.

[Stacy]

He was so busted.

[Sherry]

So buste.

[Melissa]

That is great, but it's.

[Sherry]

It's so scary. It's unbelievable to hear your little angels say those things.

[Jeff]

I know you don't want to believe it. It couldn't have possibly come out of their mouth. The bird show.