Vault: You'll Never Believe The Relationship Advice This Kid Gives Adults

Summary

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Episode Overview

Main Theme:
This spirited episode of The Bert Show centers around the unique and hilarious relationship advice from a remarkable eight-year-old named Alec, author of the (Soaring Hawk Middle School Book Fair) bestseller "How to Talk to Girls." The hosts turn to Alec for his unfiltered, kid’s-eye wisdom, inviting listeners to call in and seek advice that only a brutally honest, unjaded child can dispense. The episode mixes genuine laughs, surprisingly insightful moments, and the charming candor only an eight-year-old can provide.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Take Relationship Advice From a Kid?

• The hosts poke fun at typical adult advice, suggesting grown-ups are “jaded” (00:13) and bogged down by their own mistakes.
• Alec’s credentials: his book’s immense success at the middle school book fair, peer reviews, and “celebrity” status among classmates (00:28–02:05).

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2. Alec’s First-Hand Relationship Experience

• Alec describes his personal challenges: “Yes, but I don’t really want to pick a girl right now...it’s all crazy and everything.” (02:18)
• Navigating girls fighting over him and his strategy: “...just get rid of both of them so it doesn't turn into a big fight.” (03:09)
• Key Quote:
  • “Unless you like one girl, just like, get rid of both of them so it doesn't turn into a big fight.” – Alec (03:09)

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3. Advice for Listeners: Real Questions, Real Kid Answers

When Girls Are Pressuring for a Decision (03:09–03:31)

• Alec recommends not choosing, moving on unless there's real affection.

How to Get a Boy's Attention (03:34–04:45)

• “That's kind of a girl fact...But if you flip it...you probably have to do something really cool at school or get straight A’s … then they'll at least get her attention.” – Alec (03:51)
• The importance of distinguishing yourself and achievement.

Commitment Issues & Taking Things Slow

• Call-in: Donovan, 26, struggles with commitment (05:17–06:34).
• Alec: “If you’re too scared, then do something else, you know, or get their phone number and start the relationship.”
  • He advocates for easing into connection with conversation first: “Try to at least talk to her without like going out and start hanging out” (06:09).
• Memorable Reaction:
  • Co-host: “I think that's actually a really good idea...” (06:34)

Getting Over Heartbreak (06:43–07:09)

• “Life is hard. Move on. If you let it sink in, it'll make you even more sad. If you don't get over it, it'll make you too sad…most boys, if they can't get over it, they go crazy.” – Alec (06:53)

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4. Advice for Parents: When Your 7-Year-Old Is Girl-Crazy

• Caller asks about a seven-year-old son obsessing over kissing girls (07:22–08:28).
• Alec’s protocol for kissing:
  • “Quick cheek kisses...start middle school.”
  • “Lip kisses...in the middle of high school.”
• Suggests marriage at age 25, engagement at 23, with “about a year” between (08:29–09:22).

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5. The Science of Attraction: “Pretty Girls”

• “Around Soaring Hawk? Maybe about a week and a half. If it's like a pretty girl that can last up to like three weeks or something.” (09:30)
• “98% of pretty girls ditch boys. So really pretty girls are very, very hard to—Pretty girls are very, very hard to get because most have cold hearts against bullies ... All girls are pretty ... but when we talk about pretty girls that's like when they walk into school with those huge fancy high heel shoes with the huge eater earrings with like makeup all over.” (09:42–10:30)
• Definition of “High Maintenance Girls”: “Also, we like to call pretty girls high maintenance girls.” (10:35)
• Advice: Stay away—unless you “really, really, really, really” like them (10:54).

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6. Breakups: How They Go Down on the Playground

• On pretty girls breaking up: “...some dumpings can just like, say, okay, I'm sorry, but I don't really think we're built for each other. And then like, they break apart ... Other times the ball is just burst, blasted open.” (10:54–11:39)
• Alec prefers “quiet cracks” and avoiding public drama.

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7. Going Above and Beyond in Marriage

• The hosts ask what Bert should do to thank his wife after his solo trip (12:12–13:19).
• Alec: “Flowers would be a little boring for her... but like Bert’s wife would probably like flowers. Like a beautiful bouquet of flowers.”
• Storytime: Alec once gave Ellen (of The Ellen Show) a “chicken chucker,” a toy that throws plastic chickens. (13:40–13:53)
• Practicality over extravagance: “Not that much ... try to get her a pretty one. Not like, so pretty... Don’t get her really expensive ones, but usually like, big one.” (14:09)

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8. The Business of a Bestselling Author

• Alec’s book is $3 for the school version, available by mail (14:48–15:18).
• All copies: “already autographed.” (15:23)

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9. Final Wisdom: The “Magnet” and “Metal” Analogy

• “If you were the smartest kid in class, girls would be prowling at your feet. Pick one and skip along ... that means like, you're a magnet and girls are the metal. So, like, you're just attracting girls and then just pick one. Because if you try to take all of them, then it goes crazy.” (16:00)
• Metaphorical advice: stand out, but don’t complicate your love life.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Alec on breakups:
  “Life is hard. Move on.” (06:53)
• On high-maintenance girls:
  “Pretty girls, almost all girls are pretty, so...But all girls are pretty. But when we talk about pretty girls that's like when they walk into school with those huge fancy high heel shoes...” (10:30)
• Relationship tip:
  “If you were the smartest kid in class, girls would be prowling at your feet ... you're a magnet and girls are the metal.” (16:00)
• On gifts to show appreciation:
  “Don't get her really expensive ones, but usually like, big one.” (14:09)
• Memorable gift:
  “Chicken chucker. It's a little thing that can chuck plastic chickens.” (13:42–13:49)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Intro to Alec and his book: 00:27–01:51
• Alec’s first advice: handling competing crushes: 02:18–03:34
• How to stand out and get attention: 03:34–04:45
• Advice for commitment-phobic adults: 05:17–06:34
• Getting over heartbreak: 06:43–07:09
• Advice about young kids and crushes/kissing: 07:22–08:28
• The “pretty girls”/high maintenance theory: 09:30–11:39
• Gifts for a spouse, gift giving philosophy: 12:12–13:53, 14:09–14:42
• Business of Alec’s book: 14:48–15:28
• Closing wisdom (“magnet and metal”): 16:00

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Tone and Vibe

The show’s tone is playful and warm, blending humor and light sarcasm (especially at co-hosts’ and callers’ expenses) with genuine fascination at Alec’s no-nonsense worldview. The adults poke fun at themselves and Alec, but also realize there’s real wisdom in simple (and brutal!) advice delivered by a kid who’s completely unfiltered.

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Transcript

[A]

The Burt Show.

[B]

Hey, look, if you're having a problem in your relationship right now, maybe the advice that you've been getting is bad because you've been asking other adults. You know what, they're just the.

[C]

The jaded.

[B]

They're jaded because by their own bad experience relationships and they're not giving you proper advice. Well, we've got Alec on the phone here. He's eight years old and you can call and you can ask him any problem that you're having. Ask him for some advice he'll get. He'll keep it real with you.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

404741. Q100. Why is Alex such an expert on this? Because he had a best selling book. It wasn't on the New York best selling list, but it did sell the most copies at the Soaring Hawk Middle School Book Fair.

[C]

And what I think is really cool is it's been reviewed by his classmates. So it's like a real book and real bestseller because it's got reviews too.

[B]

Here are some of the reviews. Steven Falvey calls it fun and engaging. That was Alec.

[D]

Aw.

[C]

Do you need a hug, Burt? Like right now?

[B]

I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting a little irritated.

[C]

Is it the hug that. Is it the hug that's nurturing or the hug that's gonna keep me from getting you to punch the phone?

[B]

Trying to keep. Give me something. Give me some kind of chant here to make me hobby. I'm calling on you right now. Keep me balanced. After me. Okay. Om, Om namah namah shivaya. Shivaya.

[E]

That's the mantra that a lot of the yogis repeat over and over again. Om namah shivaya. Om namah shivaya.

[A]

Okay. Which means these people are suckers. These people are suckers. That's what all the yogi people are chasing.

[E]

That's just Jeff's negative energy. Don't let it pervade you.

[B]

Here is 8 year old Alex. He has a 7 chapter book called how to Talk to Girls. And they love it at Soaring Hawk. What's going on, Alec?

[D]

Nothing really.

[B]

How are things going with you today?

[D]

Well, there hasn't been really anything today.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

But.

[C]

But I mean, you're a celebrity now, so, I mean, how does it feel to be a celebrity?

[D]

Really, really cool.

[C]

Yeah, I bet.

[B]

Now, have you found that since your book came out, how to Talk to Girls, that more girls are actually talking to you?

[D]

Yes, but I don't really want to pick a girl right now. And I have a bad choice with girls if I Pick one. And then like she starts he onto me and then I like, it's all crazy and everything.

[B]

So are there a couple of girls that are kind of like talking to you? And are any of them forcing you to make a decision on the two of them?

[D]

Well, they are fighting over who I would like best.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Have you told them which one you like best though?

[D]

Oh, well, I just overheard them talking about it.

[B]

Okay, well, I think this is a good place to get some advice from you. Like if there is a guy listening right now, even an adult guy, and there are two women that are pressuring him into a relationship saying, look, you need to date me, not the other girl. What can he learn from your experience? How do you handle that?

[D]

You should usually, unless you like one girl, just like get rid of both of them so it doesn't turn into a big fight.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

All right.

[C]

Start fresh.

[B]

Alright. So rather than create.

[D]

Okay, no one, I'm just gonna go now.

[E]

I have a question.

[D]

Just get rid of both of them unless you like one.

[E]

Okay. I'd like to get your advice on something. If a girl likes a boy, but the boy is just ignoring her, what should she do to get his attention?

[D]

Oh, that's kind of like a girl fact.

[A]

Oh, what do you mean?

[D]

Like if a boy's ignoring a girl but a girl wants to get him. Yeah, that's kind of a girl. That's kind of girl fact. So you'll need to ask girls about that. But if you flip it over when a girl is ignoring a boy, then that is probably what you have to do is just get her attention. Like be really cool and like do something. Like do something really, really good at school or get straight A's on your report card.

[E]

And then you have to tell her about the straight A's too, right?

[D]

Yeah. Do all sorts of things and just do something really, really cool or do something great. Then they'll at least get her attention.

[B]

So what I'm hearing you say here is that you have to sort of set yourself apart from the rest of the pack. Make yourself special and make her know that you're special.

[D]

What do you mean?

[B]

I think I was just reiterating what you were saying. Yeah, reiterating.

[D]

Try to make her get her to get your attention.

[B]

Okay, that makes perfect sense to me. Donovan here has a question for you. Hey, Donovan, you're on T100.

[F]

Morning, Alex. How you doing, buddy? I tend to have issues making commitment with girls. Apparently can't take it to the next level.

[B]

So all these girls are asking you look, just be with me. Be with me and you're too scared, man.

[F]

You know, I've had the serious ones before. You get your heartbroken all the time, so. And I enjoy just being single and having fun, so, you know, I get torn. I usually have a three month rule.

[A]

Just had a move on curiosity. Donovan, how old are you?

[F]

I am 26 years old.

[A]

All right, this kid's. You're three times this kid's age.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's probably gonna give some like wise sage advice. Alright, Alex, so what do you do for the guys that are scared to like hang out with girls for a long period of time? What kind of advice can you give Donovan?

[D]

Well, you kind of have to get used to it.

[F]

Get used to hanging out with the girls?

[D]

Well, yeah, you have to get used to it. If you're too scared, then do something else, you know, or get their phone number and start the relationship. If you can't hang out with the girl just yet, try to at least talk to her without like going out and start hanging out. You know.

[E]

I think that's actually a really good idea because he's saying if you talk to the woman instead of hanging out with her in person, maybe you could develop something further. I think it's great advice.

[B]

Hey, Alec, what do you do when a, when a girl ditches you? Like, I mean, let's say there's a guy listening right now. He's all broken up because he was really liking a girl and she just, she said, look, I don't want anything to do with you.

[D]

Life is hard. Move on.

[B]

Let's move on. Yeah, you guys gotta get over it.

[D]

Life is hard because if you let it sink in, it'll make you even more sad.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

So the first day that you can just get over it and move on.

[D]

If you don't get over it, it'll make you too sad. And most boys, if they can't get over it, they go crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I was gonna take Julie's call, but it's kind of a serious one. Even though she's having problems with her son at 7 years old and he's. He's thinking about kissing girls all the time. All the time.

[D]

So how do you get him off of it?

[C]

Well, it's.

[B]

His mom is a little bit like upset about it.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Let's get her on.

[A]

Don't you think that, do you think Alex, 7, is too young to be focused on girls and kissing?

[B]

Well, her son is seven. That's what I think. She's Worried about.

[D]

There's two types of kisses. One is a quick cheek kiss. That's just like when you give them a quick kiss on the cheek. That's for about like this is just my advice. Anyone can do it whenever they want. It's just like this is where probably the best times are.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Like the starting middle school, I think you can start like quick cheek kisses.

[A]

Right.

[D]

And then like lip kisses, you know, like those long of kisses and weddings, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So those are probably going to be in like the middle of high school.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

So the wedding kisses happen starting in the middle of high school. Just out of curio. Just curious, Alec, what age do you think people should get married married?

[D]

Maybe like 25.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right, that's not a bad answer.

[A]

And what's a good amount of time to be engaged?

[D]

I don't really know. Maybe about like 23.

[A]

Maybe get engaged at 23 and get married at 25.

[D]

Engaged and married, it's kind of your choice because like depending on the marriage, it depends on how good you are. Like let's say you're doing really, really good as a girl and like you're planning to get engaged, then make sure you don't have to wait a really, really long time to get married. Like maybe a year or so.

[B]

Alright.

[E]

Just a year in between. I like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How long does it generally take for a girl to like you.

[D]

Around soaring hawk? Maybe about a week and a half. If it's like a pretty girl that can last up to like three weeks or something.

[A]

So it takes the prettier girls longer to fall in like.

[D]

Yes, but actually 98% of pretty girls ditch boys. So really pretty girls are very, very hard to.

[B]

Wait, let's go over that statistic one more time now.

[A]

What was your sample size?

[B]

What was that statistic there, Alec?

[D]

Pretty girls are very, very hard to get because most have cold hearts against bullies because they think they're all like obnoxious and everything like that. And pretty girls, almost all girls are pretty, so. But all girls are pretty. But when we talk about pretty girls that's like when they walk into school with those huge fancy high heel shoes with the huge eater earrings with like makeup all over.

[C]

Mm.

[E]

Those ones are the ones that are gonna dump ya.

[D]

Mostly it is super hard. Also we like to call pretty girls high maintenance girls.

[B]

Say you love this guy. You're sort of saying stay away from the high maintenance girl cause she's just a little bit more difficult.

[D]

Yeah, kind of.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Hey Alec, let me ask you a Question.

[D]

But unless you really, really, really, really like them, don't really try because, you know, like, you'll end up in a spot. You know, what pretty girls do is if you just get dumped on the playground. Because some dumpings can just like, say, okay, I'm sorry, but I don't really think we're built for each other. And then like, they break apart. Like they kind of go slowly apart. Other times the ball is just burst, blasted open. That's like, okay, fine. And, well, yeah, it can end up really dumb. And you mostly don't want that because then everyone's gonna start looking at you and it's gonna be crazy.

[B]

So the pretty girls break up with you in a harsh way.

[D]

Yes. And then all the, like, regular girls and other pretty girls will think, oh, she's so pretty. And he would said something mean to her. And then. Yeah, so that sometimes happens. So you don't really want to have a big crack. You just want to flip because that's nice and quiet when it just cracks. That can be really, really loud right.

[B]

Along.

[A]

Yeah. Can I ask you a question about somebody on the show, Alec?

[D]

What do you mean, somebody on the show?

[A]

Well, Bert on our show every year, his wife, who I think I should add, is much prettier than him. Like, I think Bert probably spends most of his life worried that he's gonna be broken up with. Cause he married far above himself. So she allows him every year to go away for one week all by himself. And she stays home and takes care of the house and takes care of the kids, and she takes care of everything. And Burt just got back from that trip and needs to do something really nice for his wife to show his appreciation for her being so kind. What do you think a good thing.

[D]

For him to do would be mostly pretty girls. Like, well, now they're in the marriage stage. So most pretty girls, like, like, you know, Ellen, she's all funny and like, flowers would be a little boring for her. So. But like, pretty girls, like, it sounds like Bert's wife would probably like flowers. Like a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

[B]

Okay, that's great advice.

[D]

How much things like Ellen, like some, like Ellen might even like things like, you know, toys.

[A]

How much should virgin.

[E]

No doubt she's funny and that would make her laugh.

[D]

I got her a present and guess what it turned out to be.

[E]

What?

[D]

Chicken chucker.

[E]

It's a chicken chucker.

[D]

A chicken chucker.

[E]

What is that?

[B]

I've seen it. Like, it's like a little.

[D]

It's a little thing that can Chuck, Plastic chickens.

[A]

Did she like that?

[C]

Huh?

[D]

Well, we didn't actually know, but she might love it.

[A]

We hope.

[B]

Yeah, he was on the Ellen show with Ellen. They hung out for a while.

[A]

How. How much do you think Bert should spend on the flowers for his pretty wife?

[D]

Like, not that much. Just like, try to get her a pretty one. Not like, so pretty. And like, oh, she's the only thing. I must get her this one. And don't get her really expensive ones, but usually like, big one.

[B]

A big one. One big flower.

[A]

So give her a big one.

[D]

Too expensive.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Just like a little thank you gift, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Alec, I think you should get some.

[A]

Can people still pick up her a chicken checker? That's what I think you should pick up on the way home today and go, Stacy. Thank you.

[B]

Can people still buy your book if they want? Like, can they go online to buy it?

[D]

I can. You go online to buy it?

[B]

Yes, you can.

[D]

Also, you can send a letter to the school, Soaring Hawk elementary, and they send you back a book. You can get it. Well, hard covered and soft covers are just coming out. And just a school version is $3.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

$3. That's nothing. For this kind of advice. That's nothing.

[A]

If we call up and order one today, will you autograph it for us?

[E]

Sure.

[D]

All right, well, if you buy a school book, they're already autographed. Okay.

[B]

Oh, look at that. It's already done. All right, Alec, thank you very much for your time and good luck with your bestseller. Okay. How to Talk to Girls.

[D]

Well, it's not a bestseller.

[B]

Well, it was at the Soaring Hawk Book fair, from what I understand.

[A]

Yeah. Tell me somebody at Soaring Hawk who sold more books than you, can you, um. No.

[B]

No, sir.

[A]

Well, there you go.

[B]

No, sir. Thank you, Alex.

[D]

We'll have our.

[E]

We'll have our people call your people.

[B]

He was on Ellen. He was so cute. Here he was with Ellen. What?

[D]

If you were the smartest kid in class, girls would be prowling at your feet. Pick one and skip along. What does that mean? Well, kind of. That means like, you're a magnet and girls are the metal. So, like, you're just attracting girls and then just pick one. Because if you try to take all of them, then it goes crazy.

[A]

The Birch Show.