The Bert Show Vault: "You'll Never Guess Why This Man Called 911"

Date: February 18, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode dives into the unbelievable yet true story of a man who called 911 after a dispute with a Subway sandwich shop—a story that spins a broader conversation among the cast about what constitutes a true emergency. The hosts bring their signature humor and candor, sharing related anecdotes and dissecting the absurdity of misused emergency services.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Story: Calling 911 Over Wings

• [01:06] A listener kicks off the discussion by sharing, "I actually had some people call 911 because we wouldn't give them a refund on their wing. They ate all their wings and then wanted a refund and we wouldn't do it. So they called 911 and had the police department come up there and they actually all got arrested for criminal trespassing.”
  • The cast reacts with disbelief, emphasizing that people often have wildly different ideas of what constitutes an emergency.

2. What Is an Emergency?

• [01:32] Bert: “There's no list that says what an emergency is. So everybody has like, a different definition. Right.”
• The team discusses how the public’s sense of “common sense” varies.
  • [01:52] “I think it's common sense that if property or health is in danger, that's an emergency. Right?”
  • But Bert counters, “You say common sense, but everybody's common sense is different.”

3. The Subway 911 Call: What Happened

• [02:24] Bert explains: A man called 911 after Subway didn’t include his spicy Italian sauce and refused to remake his sandwich after closing.
• The hosts play two real 911 calls from the incident:
  • First Call [03:12 – 04:41]:
    The man angrily recounts his order:

    “I'm not leaving here until I get what I paid for. I'm not gonna sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and don't get what I paid for.” (Caller, [03:34])

  • The dispatcher remains calm, eventually promising,

    “We’ll get them over to you.” ([04:39])

• The hosts speculate on the dispatcher's approach—was she being serious or just placating him?

4. Follow-Up Call: Still No Police

• [05:29 – 06:39] The man calls again, upset the police hadn’t arrived and repeating his complaint.
  • “All I'm saying is when I called the officer earlier today, not too long ago, got the two sandwiches that I paid for at the Subway restaurant, and the guy came out, he locks the door. So if I can't get my food that I paid for and he wants to do it, I want my money.” (Caller, [06:39])
• The dispatcher tells him his call is logged and hangs up.

5. Debate: Did the Dispatcher Handle it Right?

• [05:52] Bert: “I was really surprised she didn't say, this is not an emergency, sir. Handle it tomorrow with the manager.”
• The team speculates whether the dispatcher was just getting the man off the phone, how officers triage calls, and if there’s ever a legal case for calling police over “theft” of a sandwich.

6. Potential Escalations and Reflections

• [07:14] The cast explores if there’s any legitimacy—in theory—to calling 911 for undelivered purchased goods.
  • “Technically that's a theft, right? Like if he paid for something and they didn't deliver it to him and they took it back and locked it in the store...”
• They agree real emergencies get prioritized,
  • “If you got a cat up your tree... you're at the bottom of the list.”
• The group wonders aloud if the angry customer might escalate by breaking back in—a point that casts the dispatcher’s response in a different light.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “There's no list that says what an emergency is. So everybody has a different definition.”
  — Bert ([01:32])

• “They ate all their wings and then wanted a refund and we wouldn't do it. So they called 911 and had the police department come up there and they actually all got arrested.”
  — Caller ([01:17])

• “For some people, it could be mayonnaise at Subway.”
  — D ([02:22])

• Caller’s 911 Rant:

  “I'm not leaving here until I get what I paid for. I'm not gonna sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and don't get what I paid for.”
  — Subway 911 Caller ([03:34])

• “I was waiting until you finished yelling at me.”
  — 911 Dispatcher to Subway Caller ([03:36])

Memorable & Funny Moments

• The cast laughing over the idea that someone’s “sandwich emergency” could tie up line for a real crisis.
• Speculating if the dispatcher was “jacking with him,” i.e., intentionally stalling ([07:07]).
• Imagining a third call from the Subway staff about a customer refusing to leave ([08:00]).

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:06] — Listener calls in with her own 911 refund story
• [01:32-02:22] — The cast debates: What counts as an emergency?
• [03:12-04:41] — First Subway 911 call (audio played)
• [05:29-06:39] — Second Subway 911 call (audio played)
• [07:14-07:45] — Is calling 911 for undelivered food “theft”?
• [08:00] — The show imagines the store’s perspective

Summary

This episode offers a hilarious and eye-opening look at what happens when people confuse minor inconveniences for true emergencies. As the show replays the incredulous 911 calls and riffs on the dispatchers' responses, listeners are reminded—with plenty of laughter—about the importance of common sense, the real purpose of emergency services, and just how far people will go over a sandwich with missing sauce.