Vault: You'll Never Guess Why This Man Called 911

Summary

The Bert Show Vault: "You'll Never Guess Why This Man Called 911"

Date: February 18, 2026
Cast: Bert, Kristin, Abby, Cassie, Tommy, and callers

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode dives into the unbelievable yet true story of a man who called 911 after a dispute with a Subway sandwich shop—a story that spins a broader conversation among the cast about what constitutes a true emergency. The hosts bring their signature humor and candor, sharing related anecdotes and dissecting the absurdity of misused emergency services.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Story: Calling 911 Over Wings

• [01:06] A listener kicks off the discussion by sharing, "I actually had some people call 911 because we wouldn't give them a refund on their wing. They ate all their wings and then wanted a refund and we wouldn't do it. So they called 911 and had the police department come up there and they actually all got arrested for criminal trespassing.”
  • The cast reacts with disbelief, emphasizing that people often have wildly different ideas of what constitutes an emergency.

2. What Is an Emergency?

• [01:32] Bert: “There's no list that says what an emergency is. So everybody has like, a different definition. Right.”
• The team discusses how the public’s sense of “common sense” varies.
  • [01:52] “I think it's common sense that if property or health is in danger, that's an emergency. Right?”
  • But Bert counters, “You say common sense, but everybody's common sense is different.”

3. The Subway 911 Call: What Happened

• [02:24] Bert explains: A man called 911 after Subway didn’t include his spicy Italian sauce and refused to remake his sandwich after closing.
• The hosts play two real 911 calls from the incident:
  • First Call [03:12 – 04:41]:
    The man angrily recounts his order:

    “I'm not leaving here until I get what I paid for. I'm not gonna sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and don't get what I paid for.” (Caller, [03:34])

  • The dispatcher remains calm, eventually promising,

    “We’ll get them over to you.” ([04:39])

• The hosts speculate on the dispatcher's approach—was she being serious or just placating him?

4. Follow-Up Call: Still No Police

• [05:29 – 06:39] The man calls again, upset the police hadn’t arrived and repeating his complaint.
  • “All I'm saying is when I called the officer earlier today, not too long ago, got the two sandwiches that I paid for at the Subway restaurant, and the guy came out, he locks the door. So if I can't get my food that I paid for and he wants to do it, I want my money.” (Caller, [06:39])
• The dispatcher tells him his call is logged and hangs up.

5. Debate: Did the Dispatcher Handle it Right?

• [05:52] Bert: “I was really surprised she didn't say, this is not an emergency, sir. Handle it tomorrow with the manager.”
• The team speculates whether the dispatcher was just getting the man off the phone, how officers triage calls, and if there’s ever a legal case for calling police over “theft” of a sandwich.

6. Potential Escalations and Reflections

• [07:14] The cast explores if there’s any legitimacy—in theory—to calling 911 for undelivered purchased goods.
  • “Technically that's a theft, right? Like if he paid for something and they didn't deliver it to him and they took it back and locked it in the store...”
• They agree real emergencies get prioritized,
  • “If you got a cat up your tree... you're at the bottom of the list.”
• The group wonders aloud if the angry customer might escalate by breaking back in—a point that casts the dispatcher’s response in a different light.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “There's no list that says what an emergency is. So everybody has a different definition.”
  — Bert ([01:32])

• “They ate all their wings and then wanted a refund and we wouldn't do it. So they called 911 and had the police department come up there and they actually all got arrested.”
  — Caller ([01:17])

• “For some people, it could be mayonnaise at Subway.”
  — D ([02:22])

• Caller’s 911 Rant:

  “I'm not leaving here until I get what I paid for. I'm not gonna sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and don't get what I paid for.”
  — Subway 911 Caller ([03:34])

• “I was waiting until you finished yelling at me.”
  — 911 Dispatcher to Subway Caller ([03:36])

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Memorable & Funny Moments

• The cast laughing over the idea that someone’s “sandwich emergency” could tie up line for a real crisis.
• Speculating if the dispatcher was “jacking with him,” i.e., intentionally stalling ([07:07]).
• Imagining a third call from the Subway staff about a customer refusing to leave ([08:00]).

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:06] — Listener calls in with her own 911 refund story
• [01:32-02:22] — The cast debates: What counts as an emergency?
• [03:12-04:41] — First Subway 911 call (audio played)
• [05:29-06:39] — Second Subway 911 call (audio played)
• [07:14-07:45] — Is calling 911 for undelivered food “theft”?
• [08:00] — The show imagines the store’s perspective

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Summary

This episode offers a hilarious and eye-opening look at what happens when people confuse minor inconveniences for true emergencies. As the show replays the incredulous 911 calls and riffs on the dispatchers' responses, listeners are reminded—with plenty of laughter—about the importance of common sense, the real purpose of emergency services, and just how far people will go over a sandwich with missing sauce.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Good morning, angel. You're on Q100.

[A]

Hello. Hello.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

I heard y' all talk about the guy that called 911 because. From subway or something like that. I worked at a Wing restaurant last year when I was in school, and I actually had some people call 911 because we wouldn't give them a refund on their wing.

[D]

Are you kidding me?

[E]

That's crazy.

[C]

Yeah, they. They ate all their wings and then wanted a refund and we wouldn't do it. So they called 911 and had the police department come up there and they actually all got arrested for criminal trespassing.

[B]

No. Wow. There's no list that says what an emergency is. So everybody has like, a different definition. Right.

[F]

And he's so fired up in this phone call. Like, he really does think this is an emergency.

[B]

He really believes this is legit. He not. It doesn't even dawn on him, not for one second, that he is taking the space of somebody that could be calling whose grandfather just passed out in the living room.

[F]

Right.

[D]

And we are. You say that we don't know. There's no list of what an emergency is. But I think it's common sense that if property or health is in danger, that's an emergency. Right?

[B]

That should be. That's one definition or two definitions.

[D]

And by property, we don't mean you left your wallet somewhere and you need a ride back to pick it up. We mean your house is on fire, your neighbor's house is on fire or something.

[E]

Life threatening.

[D]

Your car broke down in the middle of 85.

[F]

Most people don't need this explanation, okay?

[B]

And you say common sense, but everybody's common sense is different.

[D]

For some people, it could be mayonnaise at Subway.

[B]

So before we judge, here's the reason why he called. He was complaining that he ordered a Subway sandwich. And he ordered it with spicy Italian sauce on it, okay? And once he opened it and he was out of the store, he realized that they didn't put the sauce on it. Okay? And I think the store closed and they wouldn't let him back in to get his sauce. And he's pissed. He's concerned, I should say it's an emergency. This is an actual call. These are two calls. I'm gonna play two calls for you because he's mad in the first one and then he doesn't get the proper attention that he wants, so he calls back a second time.

[D]

And this just happened last week? Yeah. This isn't something that was like on the Internet for years and we just found it like this happened a week ago.

[F]

Williams. Yes, ma'.

[B]

Am.

[F]

My name is on Atlantic and Bowling Avenue and I went to Survey sandwich shop and ordered two sandwiches and I paid almost 12 for the sandwich. I did not get the sandwiches the way that the mate to be made the way I wanted to. I brought the sandwiches back up here. The woman didn't tell me that she was gonna make my sandwiches older, okay? She can't tell me that they can't do this. They can't do that. All right? Now I'm on the phone with you. They lock the door on me. They got the sandwiches that I paid for inside their store. I'm not leaving here until I get what I paid for. I'm not gonna sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and don't get what I paid for. Hello? I'm here. I was waiting until you finished yelling at me. I'm just upset right now. Excuse me, can I. The employee just came up here and locked the freaking door and I got both of the sandwiches. They did not make life of me inside the store and we locked the door. What is the sandwich shop? Excuse me, what is the name of the sandwich shop? Subway. What is your last name? What is your last name?

[C]

For the police will get them over to you.

[F]

Thank you.

[C]

Subway.

[E]

Subway next to.

[F]

I mean, she really was gonna send a police officer.

[B]

She probably pretty.

[D]

Well, probably for him.

[B]

I was really surprised she didn't say, this is not an emergency, sir. Handle it tomorrow with the manager, she kept it together. She at least placated him, said, I'm going to send a cop over there.

[D]

Do you think she said that with the intention of she called the cops and goes, look, this guy's making a fraudulent 911 call or it is illegal.

[E]

I don't know what the. I don't know what the procedure is.

[B]

I don't know if you have to call.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And tell the officer. And then the officer makes the determination if he's actually going to go or not or if he's on his way to Subway. And then he gets a legitimate call. Who knows? Either way, the dude is standing outside the subway and he doesn't like that the cops haven't shown up in a timely fashion.

[E]

Oh, of course.

[B]

So he calls back.

[C]

Jacksonville, 91 1. Hildebrand, 91 1.

[D]

Hello?

[F]

Yes, ma'.

[D]

Am.

[F]

Yes, I had a call not too long ago. My name. I got a situation over here with a Subway selling shop. Yeah, that address, sir, it's right here on Atlantic in Bowling.

[C]

Okay, sir, what's going on there?

[F]

Well, I ordered two sandwiches and I asked for anything in my sandwich. And the other one, I asked for certain things on the other sandwich. I didn't get what I paid for on the first sandwich that I ordered. So I brought the sandwiches back and asked that I get my sandwiches made the way they supposed to be made since I paid for them. She did not state that she was going to make my sandwich the way they supposed to or nothing. Then she turns around. Well, sir, you said this. You said that I'm not going to make you a sandwich. But she never stated that she was going to make my sandwich the way she wanted to.

[C]

Okay, well, I show that we have your call, and as soon as we have an officer, we're going to send them to you. Okay, I can update it that you're asking response.

[F]

All I'm saying is when I called the officer earlier today, not too long ago, got the two sandwiches that I paid for at the Subway restaurant, and the guy came out, he locks the door. So if I can't get my food that I paid for and he wants to do it, I want my money.

[C]

Okay. I'm innocent, Officer.

[B]

Chief.

[C]

So we still have your call. Okay, I'll update it with this information. Okay?

[F]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[C]

Okay, thanks. Bye.

[B]

Do you think there's any chance that the 911 dispatchers were starting to jack with them at that time, like they knew they weren't gonna send a cop out or anything?

[D]

I think Melissa might have a point because technically that's a theft, right? Like if he paid for something and they didn't deliver it to him and they took it back and locked it in the store so they could, they could, she could say, all right, they stole his sandwiches and they could send a police officer. But I don't know if you guys have ever had to call the cops for something non emergency. Like you're at the bottom of the list. They got a lot of stuff to do. They got, you know what I mean? Like they got crimes and tickets and all that, like regular business. So if you got a cat up your tree.

[E]

Well, I think this could be opposite though. He was so angry that maybe they would check him out because if he's angry enough and he's sitting outside the subway, they're going to keep him from breaking back into the subway to get his money. Because in that last phone call it sound like he was threatening to go to break in and get the money.

[D]

I'm surprised we didn't get a third phone call going, hi, I work at the Subway. I work at Subway behind Taxi by the Texaco. And there is a crazy man in front of the store and he will not leave because he, he threw his sandwiches back at me and I didn't give him back to him.

[B]

The bird show.