Podcast Summary: "2025 NFL Teams as Classic Action Movies"

The Bill Simmons Podcast
Guests: Kyle Brandt & Joe House
Date: August 25, 2025

Episode Overview

In this highly entertaining and uniquely themed episode, Bill Simmons, joined by Kyle Brandt and Joe House, executes a deep-dive NFL preview by pairing every 2025 NFL team with a classic action movie from the ‘80s and ‘90s. The trio “draft” movies and teams, assigning perfect, sometimes hilarious, cinematic analogies to each franchise, reflecting expectations, team personas, and storylines for the season ahead. Spirited debate, classic movie nostalgia, and sharp NFL insights abound.

The episode is as much a nostalgic romp through the VHS era as it is a sharp, often comedic, prelude to the new NFL year.

Main Sections & Key Discussion Points

1. The Gimmick: NFL Teams as Action Flicks

[05:06–08:00]

• Bill introduces the “ridiculous gimmick” of pairing all 32 NFL teams with action movies from 1984–1996.
• Each of the three takes turns picking the team/movie combo in "draft" style, with key rules:
  • No movie can be used twice
  • Some “A level” movies (Die Hard, T2, Lethal Weapon) are off-limits for fairness
  • Four “divisions” of action stars: Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Seagal/Van Damme, and a Wild Card
  • Participants explain their logic for each pairing
• The episode playfully leans into the idea of “sommeliers” matching movies to franchises as if they were fine wines, riffing on tone and fit.

"Bill concocts some kind of like, Long Island Iced Tea of football and 80s movies. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this is... But it sounds fun and I want to drink it, so let's do it." – Kyle Brandt [05:57]

2. AFC Draft: Team-by-Team Assignments & Rationale

[12:07–67:12]

Top-tier AFC picks:

- Kansas City Chiefs: "Rocky IV"

[12:07]

• “Deep in the franchise, but it’s still awesome—like Rocky IV. Should be old, but it works every time. Mahomes as Drago, Kelce as Paulie.”
  — Kyle

- Buffalo Bills: "Cliffhanger"

[15:07]

• “It’s Stallone when everyone wrote him off, and then—boom—he’s back. Same for the Bills after tough playoff exits.”
  — Bill

- Baltimore Ravens: "Action Jackson"

[18:17]

• “Never quite ‘the man,’ but always beloved—just like Lamar. Carl Weathers never got sequels—will Lamar finally get the ring?”
  — Brandt & Simmons

- LA Chargers: "Total Recall"

[23:19]

• “Wild coach (Harbaugh), wild stories, and always something unexpected—just when you think it's normal, three-breasted lady appears.”
  — Kyle

- Denver Broncos: "Predator"

[28:50]

• “Unseen, dangerous, the predator nobody expects. Denver as the alien in the jungle—suddenly they're coming for you.”
  — Bill

- Houston Texans: "Passenger 57"

[32:56]

• “Cool lead, good supporting cast, not yet elite—very watchable, maybe not winning the whole thing.”
  — Brandt

Wild Card Playoff Spots & Notable Picks

• Las Vegas Raiders: "Kickboxer" [40:03]
  “Old mentor (Carroll) molds young talent. Joking about Max Crosby as Naksu Kao; leans into unintentional comedy.”

• New England Patriots: "Commando" [43:07] “A reboot—new coach after a disaster, solid draft. Maybe the start of something bigger.”

• Cincinnati Bengals: "Tango & Cash" [47:20] “Fun hang, great stars (Burrow, Chase), never ‘serious Oscar contenders’.”

• Miami Dolphins: "Cobra" [53:09] “Mike McDaniel as the eccentric Marion Cobretti—completely ridiculous, possibly brilliant. No guardrails.”

Other teams get sharp, funny, or pointed analogies—Jets with "Running Man" (lots of running, minimal hope), Titans with "Kindergarten Cop" (surprisingly youthful/hopeful), Browns with "Gymkata" (one weird asset in Miles Garrett), and Colts with "True Lies" (full of deception, not as good as it appears).

"There's no guardrails. Just do anything, Sly. Nothing. It's... That's why it's fun to watch." – Kyle Brandt (on both 'Cobra' and the Dolphins) [55:29]

3. NFC Draft: Assignments Get Even Wilder

[67:12–112:58]

Top NFC picks:

- Detroit Lions: "Under Siege" [67:49]

“Ryback’s ‘just a cook’ as Dan Campbell’s ‘just a coach’—unheralded but badass, crew of unlikely heroes.”

- Philadelphia Eagles: "Rambo: First Blood Part II" [69:45]

“Bigger, crazier sequel—more of everything, blowing the doors off, fits the Eagles’ try-to-outdo-themselves m.o.”

- Green Bay Packers: "Point Break" [72:37]

“Young, up-and-coming, could blow up—love and LaFleur as Swayze & Keanu, questions but great energy.”

- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: "Toy Soldiers" [74:02]

“Undersized, scrappy Baker Mayfield as Sean Astin. You can’t quite believe it’s happening, but it’s working.”

- Seattle Seahawks: "Sudden Death" [76:58]

“Nobody believes, but this underdog pulls off the impossible; defense as goaltender heroics.”

- San Francisco 49ers: "Hard to Kill" [79:35]

“Supposed to be out for the count (injury issues, departures), but like Seagal, just keep getting up.”

- Dallas Cowboys: "Last Action Hero" [83:54]

“Big budget, overstuffed, tons of cameos. Loud, always attention-grabbing, rarely satisfying in the end.”

- Chicago Bears: "Rocky IV" [85:08]

“The ultimate underdog, overcoming years of franchise quarterback woes; could finally climb the mountain.”

Notable sleepers with wild analogies:

• New York Giants: "First Blood" (Jackson Dart as 'Rambo,' unleashed midseason.) [90:41]
• Washington Commanders: "Demolition Man" [93:13]
• Carolina Panthers: "Over the Top" [97:09]
• Atlanta Falcons: "Road House" [101:13]
• Minnesota Vikings: "Bloodsport" [104:09]
• Arizona Cardinals: "Marked for Death" [106:33]
• Los Angeles Rams: "Under Siege 2" [108:09]
• New Orleans Saints: "Stone Cold" [110:40]

"It's a very over the top pick to say the Panthers... but your excitement for the Panthers, maybe this is where 'Over the Top' goes." – Bill [98:20]

4. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Kyle Brandt and I... we are going to assign an action movie from our wheelhouse era of 1984-1996, and an action movie that fits the profile for each team... It wasn't even coherent when I sent it to you. You immediately understood because that's what we have.”
  — Bill [05:06]

• “It's literally the most Bill Simmons thing ever.”
  — Joe House [06:12]

• “Can you imagine if a moviemaker went to the NFL and they're like, ‘Can we have a thing where the Steelers and Cowboys are playing and the whole stadium's rigged with bombs and it's gonna explode?’ And they're like, ‘fuck, no.’ The NHL? Whenever you're going to make a movie about hockey. Take our jerseys, whatever you want. Fine.”
  — Kyle on Sudden Death [79:15]

• “Under Siege 2 is like, all right, there's not the beer I wanted left in the fridge, but there's that beer left. I'll drink that.”
  — Bill [109:51]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Introduction to the Gimmick – [05:06–08:00]
• AFC Top Seeds Assignment & Rationale – [12:07–18:14]
• Wild AFC Pairings – [40:03–65:56]
• NFC Top Seeds Assignment & Rationale – [67:49–76:58]
• Wild NFC Pairings & Bottomfeeders – [90:41–110:40]
• Reflections and Farewell – [113:22–end]

Tone & Chemistry

The trio brings classic Bill Simmons wit, with Kyle Brandt offering outlandish, humorous connections, and House playing both skeptic and comedic foil. The episode is equal parts sports analysis, pop culture nostalgia, and a celebration of oddball podcasting formats. Banter, callbacks to Rewatchables, and NFL offseason foibles abound, making it a delight for sports and movie fans alike.

Perfect for Listeners Who

• Love creative sports content and cross-genre analogies
• Grew up on or appreciate '80s/'90s action movies
• Want a nuanced, fun pre-NFL-season power ranking
• Enjoy inside jokes, recurring bits, and off-the-wall bill Simmons podcasting humor

All in all:
A can't-miss episode for anyone wanting a fresh, funny, yet insightful look at the 2025 NFL landscape through the lens of VHS glory. No other NFL preview will have you thinking about the Miami Dolphins’ season as “Cobra,” or Baker Mayfield as Sean Astin fending off terrorists.

Episode highlight:

"I could have done this for three more hours. I love it. Let's do MLB and NBA teams too."
— Kyle Brandt [113:22]