A Basketball Movie Character Draft LIVE From Austin, Texas, With Shea Serrano, Chris Ryan, and Sean Fennessey

Summary

Summary of "The Bill Simmons Podcast" Episode: "A Basketball Movie Character Draft LIVE From Austin, Texas, With Shea Serrano, Chris Ryan, and Sean Fennessey"

Release Date: February 20, 2025

In this engaging episode of The Bill Simmons Podcast, host Bill Simmons, alongside co-hosts Shea Serrano, Chris Ryan, and Sean Fennessey, convene in Austin, Texas, amidst unusually cold weather, to discuss a range of NBA topics and culminate with a unique live draft featuring basketball characters from movies. Below is a detailed breakdown of the episode's key points, discussions, insights, and conclusions.

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1. Setting the Stage: Live from Austin

Bill Simmons introduces the special live segment from Austin, Texas, highlighting the unexpected chilly weather and the Grantland reunion at the Paramount Theater, expected to draw a crowd of 1,100 enthusiasts.

• Bill Simmons [00:05:24]: "We have a Grantland reunion… there was 1,100 people apparently that are coming to this."

Co-hosts express their excitement and slight bemusement about the cold conditions, setting a lively and humorous tone for the episode.

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2. NBA All-Star Weekend: Low Ratings and Potential Fixes

The conversation shifts to the recent All-Star Weekend, which has garnered the second-lowest ratings in history. The hosts brainstorm potential fixes to rejuvenate interest.

• Sean Fennessey [00:05:26]: "There's a man, a 7 foot 5 man in San Antonio and he's going to save it."

Shea Serrano suggests leveraging a standout player’s influence, drawing parallels to LeBron James' impact on NBA initiatives.

• Shay Serrano [00:05:26]: "He is like I don't care about any of this… So everybody else falls in line."

The discussion underscores the importance of star power in elevating the league's appeal and engagement.

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3. Reactions to Luka Doncic's Trade by the Dallas Mavericks

A significant portion of the episode delves into the Dallas Mavericks' decision to trade Luka Doncic, a move that has stirred mixed emotions among the hosts.

• Shay Serrano [00:10:16]: "That was the first time I ever felt bad for Dallas Mavericks fans…"

The hosts analyze the potential long-term impacts of the trade, debating whether it signifies a strategic shift or a momentary lapse in team management.

• Sean Fennessey [00:12:12]: "I think they shouldn't talk, which is not good for journalism, obviously."

The segment highlights concerns about team stability and the broader implications for fan loyalty and team performance.

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4. Oscar Predictions: "Nora" as Best Picture Favorite

Transitioning from sports, the hosts discuss their predictions for the upcoming Oscars, particularly favoring the movie "Nora" for Best Picture.

• Sean Fennessey [00:28:57]: "It's a lot of sex in that movie."

They compare "Nora" to previous Oscar winners, evaluating its chances based on storytelling, performances, and industry reception.

• Bill Simmons [00:29:01]: "I thought they were very well done."

The conversation reflects on the evolving landscape of award-winning cinema and its resonance with both critics and audiences.

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5. Celebrity Fandom and Sports: Danny Trejo and Bradley Cooper

The episode explores the intersection of celebrity culture and sports fandom, discussing figures like Danny Trejo and Bradley Cooper's genuine attachment to sports teams.

• Shay Serrano [00:27:22]: "Let's go with Danny Trejo…"

• Chris Ryan [00:26:48]: "I'm going to go 19 just because it feels super recent."

This segment emphasizes how celebrity endorsements and fandoms can influence public perception and enhance the visibility of sports teams.

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6. Main Event: Basketball Movie Character Draft

The highlight of the episode is an inventive live draft where the hosts select characters from basketball movies to form fictional teams. The draft is structured with specific roles, including starting five, bench players, assistant coaches, GM, and owner, all drawn from heist movies.

Draft Rules:

• No cartoon characters (e.g., Space Jam’s characters are excluded).
• No NBA players as themselves, with a possible one exception.
• Focus on real-life basketball players portraying fictional characters.
• Specific roles for coaching and management derived from heist movies.

Shay Serrano’s Picks:

1. Elliot Richards from Bedazzled [46:21]
   • Shay Serrano [00:46:21]: "He’s seven foot six and he shoots 100% from three."
2. Wood Harris from Above the Rim [54:57]
   • Shay Serrano [00:54:57]: "This is a man who takes winning and losing very seriously."
3. Monica Wright from Love and Basketball [55:40]
   • Shay Serrano [00:55:40]: "She starts putting them in the blender. Just bucket after bucket after bucket."
4. Coach Finstock from Teen Wolf [78:20]
   • Shay Serrano [00:78:20]: "He's just sitting on a bench… he's like, fuck it, ball up top, baby."
5. David from Prometheus [63:33]
   • Shay Serrano [00:63:33]: "You don’t have to worry about load management. He’s an Android guy."
6. Air Bud from Air Bud [64:03]
   • Shay Serrano [00:64:03]: "He plays volleyball, soccer, baseball…"

Sean Fennessey’s Picks:

1. Jesus Shuttlesworth from He Got Game [47:58]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:47:58]: "He had incredible range handle, good defender, good team guy."
2. Bo Cruz from Hustle [61:39]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:61:39]: "He looks amazing… I’m going flame."
3. Uncle Drew from Uncle Drew [70:13]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:70:13]: "He’ll be bringing it up for us."
4. Ricky Rowe from Along Came Polly [73:23]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:73:23]: "He’s the horniest, greediest dickhead… incredible stroke."
5. Brian Flanagan from Cocktail [88:01]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:88:01]: "He takes free throws, looks amazing…"
6. Jamal Wallace from Finding Forrester [94:56]
   • Sean Fennessey [00:94:56]: "He’s never really held a basketball before…"

Chris Ryan’s Picks:

1. Neon Budo from Above the Rim [48:43]
   • Chris Ryan [00:48:43]: "He shoots 40 points in two minutes."
2. Shep from Above the Rim [60:36]
   • Chris Ryan [00:60:36]: "10 for 10 in threes, way before three and D was a thing."
3. Billy Hoyle from White Men Can't Jump [52:21]
   • Chris Ryan [00:52:21]: "He has that flair, that big game appetite."
4. Jimmy Chitwood from Semi-Pro [80:43]
   • Chris Ryan [00:80:43]: "Running into people… absolute great vibes guy."
5. Shooter from Hoosiers [89:07]
   • Chris Ryan [00:89:07]: "Yea. Don’t flip it on me…"
6. Jackie Moon from Semi-Pro [80:56]
   • Chris Ryan [00:80:56]: "Never know when he can just light it up."

Bill Simmons’ Picks:

1. Elliot Richards from Bedazzled [46:21]
2. Neil McCauley from Heat [50:01]
   • Bill Simmons [00:50:01]: "He’s methodical. Little Sam Presti vibe."
3. Hustler from Fast Break [59:32]
   • Bill Simmons [00:59:32]: "Bernard King just being amazing."
4. Teen Wolf’s Scott Howard [60:12]
   • Bill Simmons [00:60:12]: "He’s a fighter, man."
5. Butch McCrae from Blue Chips [65:28]
   • Bill Simmons [00:65:28]: "Keeping my philosophy of real-life basketball players playing characters."
6. Merriman from Den of Thieves [75:07]
   • Bill Simmons [00:75:07]: "He’s trying to enjoy a nice silent dinner with his family."

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7. Final Team Lineups and Host Reflections

After an animated and humorous drafting process, each host presents their fictional teams comprising movie characters, blending basketball prowess with cinematic flair.

• Chris Ryan’s Team: Neon Budo, Shep, Billy Hoyle, Jimmy Chitwood, Jackie Moon, Shooter.
• Sean Fennessey’s Team: Jesus Shuttlesworth, Bo Cruz, Uncle Drew, Ricky Rowe, Jamal Wallace, Brian Flanagan.
• Shay Serrano’s Team: Elliot Richards, Wood Harris, Monica Wright, David, Air Bud, Spaceman.
• Bill Simmons’ Team: Elliot Richards, Neil McCauley, Hustler, Scott Howard, Butch McCrae, Merriman.

The hosts engage in playful banter about their selections, debating character strengths and potential team dynamics. They conclude the draft with light-hearted comments on team chemistry and the unique combination of characters each has assembled.

• Shay Serrano [00:71:32]: "David is my shooting guard. That’s my shooting."
• Bill Simmons [00:86:07]: "Bedazzled Guy, Brendan Frazier, Snake Plissken… Game on Shay's team right now."

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8. Wrap-Up and Future Projects

In the closing segments, the hosts share updates on their personal projects and upcoming content, maintaining the camaraderie and interconnectedness characteristic of the podcast.

• Sean Fennessey [00:98:31]: "We're working on an eight-part narrative podcast series called Pod Slut…"
• Shay Serrano [00:99:28]: "I'm still co-hosting the Big Picture on The Ringer…"

Bill Simmons highlights upcoming releases, encouraging listeners to engage with various platforms to stay connected.

• Bill Simmons [00:100:03]: "We got the Celtics thing on HBO. Celtic City, March 3rd…"

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sean Fennessey [00:05:26]: "There's a man, a 7 foot 5 man in San Antonio and he's going to save it."
• Shay Serrano [00:46:21]: "He’s seven foot six and he shoots 100% from three."
• Bill Simmons [00:50:01]: "He’s methodical. Little Sam Presti vibe."
• Shay Serrano [00:64:03]: "He plays volleyball, soccer, baseball…"
• Chris Ryan [00:48:43]: "He shoots 40 points in two minutes."
• Sean Fennessey [00:73:23]: "He’s the horniest, greediest dickhead… incredible stroke."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bill Simmons Podcast masterfully blends sports analysis with entertainment, offering listeners a spirited discussion on current NBA events and a creative twist with the live basketball movie character draft. The hosts' dynamic interactions and humorous exchanges provide both insightful commentary and lighthearted amusement, making it a compelling listen for sports enthusiasts and movie buffs alike.

Transcript

[Bill Simmons]

It's the Bill Simmons podcast presented by FanDuel. The NBA season hitting full stride. Don't foul out on your chance to win with America's number one sportsbook. Bet on fun markets like Live Quarter, player props and parlays. Plus enjoy our new NBA Player Prop pages. Your one stop shop for player props that include FanDuel's exclusive performance trends, tracking the last five games for top markets. They even do that. The app is safe, secure and easy to use. When you win, you'll get paid instantly, so download the app today. Bet with FanDuel, official partner of the NBA. The Ringer is committed to responsible gaming. Please visit rg-help.com to learn more about the resources and helplines available. Listen to the end of this episode for additional details. Must be 21 + in President elect states game problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit rg-help.com hey, this is weird. I'm in Austin, Texas. It's freezing cold. We have a Grantland reunion. It's coming up next. This episode is brought to you by Michelob Ultra. Wherever you like to watch the game at the arena, the bar, home, wherever. Enjoy every moment of the NBA season with an ice cold Michelob Ultra. And you know, we've done some stuff with them. So they'll send me the Michelob Ultra. I'll put it in the fridge. It's really interesting what happens. People come over, they want a beer. They go, oh, Michelob Ultra. Or I've never tried one of these. I've heard you talked about it. 100% approval rating every single time. Keep it nice and cold. It's delicious. There's only one way to watch your favorite teams drop buckets, and that's with a bucket of Michelob Ultra. Stock up on Michelob Ultra for the NBA season. Michelob Ultra, a superior light beer. Enjoy responsibly. Copyright 2025 Anheuser Busch Michelobotra Registered Light Beer, St. Louis, Missouri we're also brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network. Don't forget about the rewatchables. We did Wayne's World this week. Don't forget about the Prestige TV podcast. We're doing White Lotus and Severance covering all of it. I'm there on Sunday nights as well. My Sunday night podcast with Priscillo is coming back this Sunday, I think. I hope, hopefully, hopefully Rossillo knows. We'll have to tell him. Anyway, what you're about to listen to is me and Sean Fennessy and Chris Ryan and Chase Serrano going to Austin, Texas where for some reason it's 30 degrees was not on the agenda for me. But we're here anyway and we put together a big show at the Paramount theater. There was 1,100 people apparently that are coming to this. I'm taping this before the show. I hope it goes well. Wish us luck. Let's bring in Pearl Jam. Why the is this so cold? What the hell? We could have gone to Chicago or Winnipeg. Thanks to Michelob Ultra for sponsoring this. We're so happy to be here. We love being in Austin. I'm gonna introduce you.

[Shay Serrano]

Guys.

[Bill Simmons]

Don't know who's here tonight, right? First up, the Prince of Philadelphia, Chris Rya. Next up, the self proclaimed king of letterbox, Sean Fennesee. And last but not least, from the heart of Texas, the one, the only, Shay Serrano. It's a Grantland reunion, everybody. How you feeling, Shay?

[Shay Serrano]

I feel fantastic. I feel so good.

[Bill Simmons]

Sean went to a DVD store for like two hours today. What store was that, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

I went to Waterloo Records. Shout out Waterloo.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

And I spent $184 on Blu Rays.

[Chris Ryan]

We almost died on the way there and back.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, it was fucking cold.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What is up, Austin? So I was here for the Dallas super bowl in Texas. When Was that? Like 2010. And it snowed like an inch and nobody could get anywhere because they had no snowplows. And that was when I realized, oh yeah, Texas doesn't do well with cold weather. We are going to do a bunch of stuff with you guys today. We have a big, fun, crazy draft in the second part of this podcast. But we're going to start. We're gonna do a hodgepodge thing. Let's start with All Star Weekend because it just happened. Sure. Boom. Oh, wow. Tough beat. Second lowest ratings ever. Shay, is this a sum. Cause can it be fixed?

[Shay Serrano]

It can be fixed and I'm gonna tell you how it's gonna be fixed. There's a man, a 7 foot 5 man in San Antonio and he's going to save it. What's gonna happen is the same thing that we saw happen with the in season tournament where LeBron said, hey, guess what? I care about this? And then everybody else went, okay, cool, we care about it too.

[Bill Simmons]

So that's wimby.

[Shay Serrano]

That's going to happen with Wimpy. He's going to.

[Chris Ryan]

There's another 7 foot 5 guy in San Antonio. Take it over.

[Bill Simmons]

I didn't know. I didn't know there was another one coming right now.

[Shay Serrano]

The guy Joker is the guy and he is like I don't care about any of this at all. I don't. I don't care one single percent. So everybody else falls in line. When Wimy is the guy, he's going to care and they're all going to care.

[Bill Simmons]

Cr what you think of my idea that we split the game up and the Sunday game is just guys from the top five seeds and they play for home court advantage.

[Chris Ryan]

In the first, I liked it to the extent, but it's really going to have to just convince these guys to want to play more basketball and play more hard basketball. I was thinking about this. I just think that this is probably entering the Pro bowl zone where you just got to move it to the end of the season, after the season and just be like, you guys want to play? We'll have like seven foot rims. You can do somersaults, you know, like whatever. You can get trampolines out there. Like it could be like basketball, but I don't know about like the mid season after Luka gets traded, let's all stop, go to this place and pretend like we care about this game.

[Bill Simmons]

Sean Van thought that it might have culturally expired, which has happened a few times in our lifetime. Specifically with some actors too.

[Sean Fennessey]

Like who?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know who've culturally expired.

[Sean Fennessey]

Like Kevin Spacey.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, that's. Yeah, he's.

[Chris Ryan]

That was good. Under two minutes.

[Bill Simmons]

I knew he'd come up.

[Sean Fennessey]

I was in San Francisco this past weekend and I had tickets to the event and did not go to any of the events, which is not a good sign obviously. So I. Okay, I'll pitch you my idea.

[Bill Simmons]

Let's hear it.

[Sean Fennessey]

I think they should scrap the game. I think they should scrap the dunk contest. I think they should scrap the three point shooting contest.

[Shay Serrano]

That's everything.

[Sean Fennessey]

Scrap the Futures Game.

[Chris Ryan]

What about the skills competition?

[Sean Fennessey]

So I think that they should only do the skills competition but for two full days. I'm not kidding. And make it like an insane double dare obstacle course.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, American Gladiators crossed with. Okay.

[Sean Fennessey]

But the winning team, and I was inspired by Wimy and CP3 should automatically get home court advantage throughout the playoffs. So there's like real stakes. So you'd have these guys like during practice, during the season, like really working on throwing the ball through that round circle or whatever and all the stuff they have to do there. And it's like the skills competition match.

[Chris Ryan]

Like seven games in the regular season and they get the one seed. Yes, I like that.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, you could be like the playing team at number 10, but you got home court games that would work for the Sixers.

[Shay Serrano]

For a number of years, I have told everybody that I met that Sean Finesse. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met in my life. I changed my mind right now. It's a horrible idea. It's the worst idea I've ever heard.

[Sean Fennessey]

No bad ideas in a brainstorm.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, the fact that we're coming up with ideas like this tells you how grim it is for All Star Weekend.

[Chris Ryan]

I had an idea I wanted to bounce off you for this, because I was thinking about. Because if you say Pro bowl and you make the NBA more like the NFL, why doesn't the NBA do bye weeks for teams but never take an All Star break? It wasn't this. Like, the All Star Weekend always happens at a time where football's over. You want basketball. Like, you want important basketball games. Like, why not just give the Bucks 10 days off, but then bring them back and have it all work so the teams have bye weeks throughout the season.

[Bill Simmons]

Isn't that what they're trying to do with Joel Embiid?

[Chris Ryan]

That was a Joel Embiid joke you guys didn't hear because of the mic, but, yeah, that is what they were trying to do with Joel Embiid.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, how would David Stern have handled the NBA in 2025? Oh, my gosh. I think about this a lot. It's a. He's like the angry grandparent you had that you were like, oh, man.

[Shay Serrano]

He would have been so.

[Bill Simmons]

I hate Grandpa. He's so annoying. And then you kind of miss him.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he would have cussed out everybody. It would have been some private meeting in a cafeteria, and they all would have been sitting at cafeteria tables, and he'd just been like, guys, what the fuck is going on? What are you doing? That's all that would have happened.

[Bill Simmons]

Do you miss Stern fantasy?

[Sean Fennessey]

I miss the idea of the power that he represented. I also love the idea of him firing Nico Harrison. He would have just been like, this guy is out of the paint, and he would have done something like that. So I missed that.

[Bill Simmons]

Do people in Austin. So do you lean toward the spurs or, like, what's the. Okay, so when the Mavericks.

[Chris Ryan]

So you guys are just Luka fans. Wait, okay, so.

[Bill Simmons]

So when the Mavericks traded Luka. You guys are just laughing your asses off. Yeah. What was your reaction, Che?

[Shay Serrano]

That was the first time I ever felt bad for Dallas Mavericks fans. Like, I've laughed at every single horrible thing that has ever happen. Happen when they lost to the Warriors. The We Believe warriors number one seed. Belly laughed at them when they had their championship stolen by the Miami Heat in 2006.

[Chris Ryan]

Belly laughed at them.

[Shay Serrano]

And then when I saw this, I felt like sadness.

[Bill Simmons]

Ginger, you were mad at the people.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. Like, what, 2011? Yeah, 2011.

[Bill Simmons]

What was your reaction when you heard the trade? Cr. I never had you, Dirk here. Only people I didn't have on a podcast was me.

[Chris Ryan]

My reaction was I was coming out of the Movie Companion and was just, like, utterly shocked. Couldn't believe it. My favorite thing about it since it's happened is definitely that the Mavericks keep finding executives to do profiles where they're like, I underestimated the crowd reaction to this. Like, Rick Weltz just did one. And I was like, rick Weltz works for the Mavericks, and they're just pushing these guys out on the ice floe to get shot with arrows, like, every other day. It's amazing. Nico's doing a good job getting other people involved.

[Bill Simmons]

Have you been. I know you're a student of journalism, Sean. Have you been following some of these features with the Mavs, how they've been trying to. We weren't actually going to give Luca the max extension. People didn't realize because we're idiots, so we weren't going to do that.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, I. I think that they shouldn't talk, which is not good for journalism, obviously. I think that everyone should be held accountable for their actions. I did have an idea for ownership groups, though, which is, I think if you're going to buy a team, you should have to pass, like, an NBA literacy test. Like, when you become an American citizen and you have to learn about, like, who wrote the Declaration of Independence? You should have to know the history of the game.

[Bill Simmons]

Patrick Dumont.

[Sean Fennessey]

Well, I'm not going to name any names.

[Bill Simmons]

Like, what year did the ABA and NBA merge? He's like, 1988.

[Chris Ryan]

I kind of like having. I like having crazy owners back, though, don't you?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I like the fact that we always seem to have six to eight terrible run teams. That's great for us, for content. But the real thing that's interesting is the Lakers are villainous again because they pull off this trade, and then they trade for Mark Williams, and then they just void the trade. They're like, we don't. Like, this hasn't happened in, like, two decades.

[Chris Ryan]

And Mark Williams is like, I'm healthy. I'm fine.

[Bill Simmons]

They say, no, actually, no, thanks. Like, and then the trade deadline passed. Charlotte couldn't trade them. But, like, if somebody did this in your fantasy league, it would be the angriest chain of emails ever and people would stop talking and it's like, Bob's not invited to Gary's wedding now. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's because of Mark Williams trade. Yeah. That's what happened. They seriously. They haven't voided a trade in 15 years, Shay.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And apparently when you make a trade, you send the team the fit the. The medicals and they can look at them. So I think they just said it. We don't want this guy.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. That's all that it was.

[Chris Ryan]

I swear to God, if the Lakers get some crazy deal for a center over the summer that they were like saving the. The spot for or the. The trade assets for, I'm gonna lose it.

[Bill Simmons]

Are you guys on my side that more people knew about this trade than everyone's letting on? Because I think like a lot of people knew. And then they're all like, we didn't know. Found out last second.

[Chris Ryan]

So that when Rich Paul was like, I had no idea. I found out.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. No offense to him. I don't believe it. I think both coaches knew. I think, I think Anthony Davis knew. I think the agent knew, like he had to waive the no trade clause. I'm just never going to believe it. They're never going to convince me. I think LeBron knew what about.

[Sean Fennessey]

But Luka had no idea.

[Bill Simmons]

I think Luca was the only one that didn't know.

[Chris Ryan]

Luca was like, I just got an awesome 15 million dollar house in the greater Dallas area.

[Bill Simmons]

The Mavericks were like, yeah, he didn't know because he was out there getting fucking drunk and eating like fried chicken. Lazy.

[Chris Ryan]

He's like binging Netflix.

[Bill Simmons]

So, Shay, the Luka Doncic movie, when they make it, is it a TV movie, like a Ryan Murphy type of movie? Is it a sports movie? Is it a dark CD drama that Sean would really like and do multiple big picture episodes? Or is it a heist movie?

[Shay Serrano]

It's like Margin Call marching. That's what it's going to be. Just a bunch of late night whatever is happening in a. Whatever. That's all that it is.

[Bill Simmons]

You like that? Would you? You want to walk through the heist movie with Luka Doncic with Pelinka as Neil McCauley?

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, well, he kind of dresses like Neil McCauley a little bit. Maybe a slightly tighter slack.

[Bill Simmons]

You think he has a condo with no furniture in it?

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, because Jeannie's never let him feel comfortable enough to buy furniture. I do like the idea of it being a Ryan Murphy fx. But I would want the same cast as the Aaron Hernandez Show. Just put them in. Get Norbert Leo Butts to play Patrick Dumont.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you think? Fantasy?

[Sean Fennessey]

I think this is the chance to finally get Oliver Stone back where he belongs.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

And I think that we have yet to see the way we can conspiracy theorize about what's happened here. But I think he should do it entirely in the register of the Doors, where it's just like Nico Harrison is just tripping on LSD the whole time. He like microdoses every morning and he's like, yeah, Lucas should go, like, just losing his mind. But if they do the Native American guy in the desert, it would be great.

[Chris Ryan]

If they do it like jfk, that means you get to play Donald Sutherland, who benefited, you know?

[Bill Simmons]

That sounds great, what you're laying out, though, because then Cuban, maybe Cuban's like. Because he's bitter that he sold the team, so he wants them to destroy the team. And he's like. He's like drugging Nico Harrison. Yeah, this is like. It's getting dark. It's like traffic.

[Sean Fennessey]

That would be great.

[Bill Simmons]

Kevin Durant. You guys like Kevin Durant, right? He loves Austin. Katie's a little bit of a nomad, you know, Starts out in okc, Nine years there, goes to Golden State, goes to Brooklyn, goes to Phoenix. Almost gets traded in the deadline. And yet I think we all like him. I always feel like I'm like a KD defender. You saw the clip this week from the new Netflix series about the Olympics, and KD just starts crying. He loves basketball so much. I really think he's one of the most genuine athletes that we have, but also takes a ton of shit. Shay, what do you want his next five years to look like?

[Shay Serrano]

I wouldn't mind him.

[Bill Simmons]

If you could direct his next five years, what would it be?

[Shay Serrano]

I wouldn't mind him spending two years in San Antonio. That would be pretty. That would be great.

[Chris Ryan]

Maybe the two black last prime years, right?

[Shay Serrano]

Like, not the last two of last two good years. And then the last three years, they bring the Sonics back. It's time for the league to expand, and then he goes back there. I think that'd be really cool.

[Bill Simmons]

So two years like Wemby's first. I can't believe he's in the finals this young.

[Shay Serrano]

He's only 22.

[Bill Simmons]

And he's part of that with Darren Fox. I like that. What do you think, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

I think he should make a sequel to the Disney original film Thunderstruck. Thunderstruck 2.

[Bill Simmons]

Thunderstruck 2.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. Phoenix Rising. Just keep following that story a little bit. You know, he messed up. He should have signed with the New York Knicks, but he was a coward, so screw him.

[Bill Simmons]

I actually. Oh, you lost the crowd. It's 30 degrees outside. We can't antagonize them.

[Sean Fennessey]

I love Texas.

[Bill Simmons]

I actually think even KD would admit Nets over Knicks was a mistake.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. I'd like him to go to Boston and then orchestrate.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't like this.

[Chris Ryan]

A trade for Kyrie Irving to come back to Boston with him and then maybe orchestrate a trade for James Harden to come back.

[Sean Fennessey]

Tatum and Brown for kd.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I think the San Antonio thing would be great because KD really does have genuine affection for University of Texas, even though he was only here one year. But the way he talks about it, it'd be cool.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Our drive back and forth, he would.

[Shay Serrano]

Be instantly beloved in San Antonio, which.

[Bill Simmons]

Is what he needs.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he does.

[Bill Simmons]

Because you don't want to be the guy who played for 25 years and everyone's like, ah, like, like Vince Carter. Vince Carter got retired by Toronto. Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

He's like, got a retirement sermon and.

[Bill Simmons]

It'S like, you played for the nets for four years, they're retiring.

[Chris Ryan]

Wasn't there like a 15 minute honorarium to him during the dunk contest or something? Like, yeah, it was weird.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it really feels like we're still alive.

[Chris Ryan]

Like he's right there pushing.

[Bill Simmons]

Right then he came out. It was like, I thought he was dead.

[Chris Ryan]

Vince Carter's at SNL50.

[Bill Simmons]

Like, it's all right. It feels like there's a lot of rehabilitation stuff with retired stars whose careers didn't turn out perfectly. Like, Carmelo's another one. And then Dwight Howard's like, I'd like to figure out how to do this, but I'm. I'm too much of a mess. I can't. But in general, it's funny how, like, we hear way more about Carmelo and way more about Vince Carter now than Tim Duncan, who's one of the best seven players of all time. But it's kind of, in one way it's Tim Duncan's fault because he doesn't do like, the post career. Look at me, look at me. Remember? Like, he just doesn't. He doesn't care. But now nobody talks about him.

[Shay Serrano]

Well, I think that's by design, though. That's like, there's nothing he wants less than to be part of a conversation.

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Shay Serrano]

So he's. So he's doing Great. Yeah, he came in, won five titles, got the fuck out.

[Chris Ryan]

Is he coaching? He's coaching now, right?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he might pop in and coach a little bit, but that's the point that we're making. Like John Wick, you don't know, hunched over so you don't notice him.

[Bill Simmons]

Tim Duncan's at a bar and somebody's like, yeah, Karl Malone was better than Tim Duncan. He over here is like, I don't care. I won five titles.

[Shay Serrano]

Does it. He does.

[Bill Simmons]

He does have this one. I kicked his ass all the time. This episode is brought to you by Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra. A superior light beer and the ultimate trophy. Win or lose, you're bound to enjoy the ride with a good beer in hand. Michelob Ultra crisp, refreshing, only 95 calories. A superior light beer. No matter the game, sport or season, Superior is worth playing for. Always be prepared for a win. In order, Michelob Ultra today available on doordash by the way, enjoy responsibly. 2025 Anheuser Busch. Michelob Ultra Light Beer, St. Louis, Missouri. Must be 21 plus to order alcohol. Alcohol available only in select markets. Shay, where do you stand on X player podcasts? Have we hit peak crazy yet? Or are there two years left to go? Because you go to hoops hype now and every day it's some guy who made the all star team once who's like, I was toe to toe with LeBron for five years there, and you're like, what team are you on? What? How far do we go with this?

[Shay Serrano]

I think. I think Jeff Teague is the perfect podcaster. He's as good.

[Bill Simmons]

I like that one. I'll just as good as it gets.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he's great. Yeah, we're at the exact right level now. One more and it all falls apart. That don't go anymore.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you think, sir?

[Sean Fennessey]

I hope Jalen Brunson and Josh Hart pod forever. I'm really enjoying that show.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a good pod.

[Sean Fennessey]

It's them just shitting on each other for 45 minutes. You're the biggest loser.

[Chris Ryan]

What are you going to do if Leon Rose trades Josh Hart and that podcast gets broken up?

[Sean Fennessey]

Hire an assassin to kill Leon Rose. Not sure. I don't listen to a lot of those shows, if I'm being honest, but I do respect that they are currently working very hard to eliminate shows like this. That they're like, we have been observing your strategy of hot Takery and we can do better. Just like we can dunk better than you. We can also Hot take better than you. And that's kind of what each new show that comes along knows it goes. Needs to go to a higher level.

[Bill Simmons]

So do you listen to that next podcast?

[Sean Fennessey]

Sometimes, yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

You're like, these are my guys.

[Sean Fennessey]

I have an emotional relationship with these men who don't know who I am.

[Bill Simmons]

Chris does indeed have a podcast.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he does.

[Bill Simmons]

Once a month.

[Chris Ryan]

Does indeed have a podcast.

[Bill Simmons]

No, just like, once a month. He does it.

[Chris Ryan]

Paul, George. Did you guys know that I found this stat? Apparently, he's recorded 19 podcast episodes as a member of the Sixers and scored two points in his last game as a member of the Sixers before the All Star break was kind of a bummer.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

Turns out that's why he was available. You know, like, do you want to.

[Bill Simmons]

Walk us through where.

[Chris Ryan]

Where I'm at?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

Where?

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, it's pretty dark, you know, it's like, I kind of do, man. That's why I'm wearing this fucking thunder hat, you know? Like, it's just pretty brutal. Like, I think Maxi is the thing that's made me most sad because he's obviously so bummed out by this that, like, even his effervescence is dimming. The thing is, I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't think he's ever going to be what we thought he was going to be.

[Bill Simmons]

I remember this. The 2019 Celtics. The year was the year after the. Just to make it about you.

[Chris Ryan]

We can't talk about you for a minute.

[Bill Simmons]

No. When you know something's wrong with a season and you're like, maybe this will be the game. It turns around and then it doesn't. And then by December, January, you're just kind of like, oh, this is gonna be one of the. It's like every jet season for Sean. But it was just like, I'm sorry. That was a called for. I apologize.

[Sean Fennessey]

Why are we talking about the Sixers?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, but. But where? You know, it's not going to come back. Then you're stuck.

[Shay Serrano]

I would like to know what. What's the, like, furthest away from basketball. Somebody has said something to you, and then you win. It reminds me of the 2019 Celtics.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Let me think.

[Shay Serrano]

Like.

[Bill Simmons]

So we go politics.

[Shay Serrano]

It could be.

[Bill Simmons]

It could be, like, family.

[Shay Serrano]

My father. My father passed away, Bill. You know, the 2008 Celtics.

[Chris Ryan]

We thought Gordon Hayward was gonna pass away that night. You know what? Eventually Pat Stevens.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. Not Iran Contra. You know, with that affair. Well, at that time, we know Larry bird was going 26, 9, and 7.

[Bill Simmons]

Were you sad to see Aaron Rodgers go?

[Sean Fennessey]

Sad to see Aaron Rodgers go?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

No, no, I, I, I honestly hope he goes to hell.

[Bill Simmons]

Least favorite athlete ever.

[Chris Ryan]

That's just what legacy media wants you to believe, man.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, My favorite thing ever. No one here cares about the new jets regime, so I'm sorry, but the story that they were like, you can come back if you don't go on McAfee. And he was like, no dice. Tells you everything you need to know about that guy.

[Shay Serrano]

I liked when they did the Hard Knock series and you were like, wow, Aaron Rodgers is in this. And then they got to one episode and he talked about aliens for two minutes.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

And you're like, oh, that's why he did it, because they told him he could do. He could do this.

[Bill Simmons]

Who? We were talking about this earlier. Who is the number one celebrity or athlete that's attached to Austin? Where Austin goes, is it Glenn Powell or McConaughey? All right, so it's Powell and McConaughey in the finals. Right.

[Chris Ryan]

Do those guys have beef? Do those guys have a little tension? We picking that up? They're buds. All right.

[Sean Fennessey]

They're buds.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay. All right.

[Shay Serrano]

Lance Armstrong.

[Chris Ryan]

Thank you, Lance Arms. For coming tonight.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, that reminded me of the 2019. All right, so let's go. I'll give you Makane and pal. So who says McConaughey? Who says Glenn Powell? All right, Makani. Jesus.

[Shay Serrano]

Done deal.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow.

[Shay Serrano]

They did not, like, really figured it out.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, because he goes to all that. He goes to a lot of the Texas games, too.

[Chris Ryan]

He's like, like an assistant Coach now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Cr. Scale of 1 to 20, how genuine is Bradley Cooper's Eagles fandom, would you say? 1 to 20? I'll give you.

[Chris Ryan]

I'm going to go 19 just because it feels super recent. Like, I'm sure it's, it's genuine, but, like, I don't recall him being a part of the Eagles before 2017 team. She's more recent. She was like, on a late night show talking about loving the Giants like, five years ago. So it's just cool. Like, you can, you can love who you want to love, but, like, that's. She just switched around on the end of season.

[Sean Fennessey]

Can I love the Eagles? Like, is that on the board for me?

[Chris Ryan]

Sure.

[Sean Fennessey]

Okay. Cool.

[Chris Ryan]

Water's warm.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, who's your favorite celebrity attached to a team celebrity?

[Shay Serrano]

Let's go with. Let's go with. Let's. Does San Antonio have one Danny Trejo? Yeah, yeah. They play, like, during spurs games. A Danny Trejo clip of him being like, hey, let's go.

[Bill Simmons]

Did they really?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

That's like a real. That's a really good one. I like that one.

[Chris Ryan]

That'd be great. Every before every game is like, Neil.

[Bill Simmons]

Come on. What about you, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

Favorite celebrity fan of one of my.

[Bill Simmons]

Of a. Tied to a team, any team, the one you feel is the most genuine.

[Sean Fennessey]

I mean, Jack and the Lakers is the realest shit ever.

[Chris Ryan]

Not Larry David and the Jets.

[Bill Simmons]

No, he abandoned the Jets.

[Sean Fennessey]

Larry David quit the Jets.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he quit the Jets.

[Sean Fennessey]

Once again, smartest guy of all time.

[Bill Simmons]

Couple more quickies. If. Speaking of Austin, if Austin tried to steal the spurs from San Antonio, would it cause a civil war in Texas?

[Shay Serrano]

It would be. There would be 2 million Mexicans outside of the Moody center, mad as hell.

[Bill Simmons]

So it's never happening.

[Shay Serrano]

Never happening.

[Bill Simmons]

Where is this arena they're playing tomorrow? It's a nice one, right?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. Who knows? It doesn't matter. We're.

[Bill Simmons]

Look at Shay. Shay's.

[Shay Serrano]

No, I'm kidding.

[Bill Simmons]

He doesn't like this.

[Shay Serrano]

Shay's got a salty. I like Austin a lot. It's one of, like, the 10 best cities in Texas. Like, easily top 10. No question.

[Bill Simmons]

Sean, who's winning Best Picture at the Oscars? I had that on my list.

[Sean Fennessey]

Nora. Which.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

Nora Gang.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. Thank you.

[Bill Simmons]

Because it did the dga, pga, wga, whatever the hell. That Triple Crown.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. You nailed it, brother. The. In August, we were texting about the. No, in September, we were texting about the Oscars, and I was like, I think it's Anora. Because there's, like, nothing else going on. And you're like, no chance.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, there's a lot of sex in that movie.

[Sean Fennessey]

There is. There is.

[Shay Serrano]

What did you think?

[Bill Simmons]

A lot of old people that vote for the Oscars. Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

Did you like those scenes?

[Bill Simmons]

I thought they were very well done.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. Very tasteful. Very tasteful.

[Bill Simmons]

Very tasteful. Yeah. I thought for the character, it made a lot of sense.

[Chris Ryan]

It did.

[Sean Fennessey]

It did really strong writing.

[Bill Simmons]

So the last movie that did those three, but then didn't win Best Picture was Crash.

[Sean Fennessey]

It was Crash. Yeah. Well, Brokeback Mountain won those three awards in 2005.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah. Broke, Backbound won the three awards, and.

[Sean Fennessey]

Then Crash won on Oscar night, which is the first time I gouged my eyes out and then had reconstructive surgery.

[Bill Simmons]

So. Anora. What if it's not Anora? Who is it? Bill?

[Chris Ryan]

How many times have you seen the Brutalists in theaters.

[Bill Simmons]

So three and a half hours is a long time.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

What was the name of the Netflix true crime doc you were telling us about?

[Shay Serrano]

Documentary.

[Chris Ryan]

Did you watch?

[Sean Fennessey]

How long was that?

[Chris Ryan]

So it's a Gabby Petito today.

[Sean Fennessey]

How won't. Gabby Petito.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. So Netflix has this new documentary, this girl is a vlogger. And. And just a lot of vlogging footage. And. And I got sucked in three episodes. Guess what? She didn't make it.

[Sean Fennessey]

Was it rough? Was it roughly three and a half hours?

[Chris Ryan]

It was probably longer than that.

[Bill Simmons]

It was like two and a half.

[Chris Ryan]

So you Brutalist is too long. But a nine hour Celtics documentary is just right.

[Bill Simmons]

Could have been longer. These true crime things, I love when the guys, the killers make the same mistake every time. Like they. This guy in the new one, once somebody's dead, they take the phone and they send texts back and forth like, the police aren't gonna figure that out. People are so stupid. Anyway, wait, what were we talking about?

[Chris Ryan]

I actually do want to keep teasing this out of how you fix murder.

[Bill Simmons]

No. So I watched a combined 14 minutes of Wicked. Amelia Perez and the Brutalist. I just. They send me all the screeners sometimes I'm like, I don't know if I'm gonna watch this. I'll watch three minutes, I'll make them out and then other ones I'll keep going. I don't have time to watch 50 Oscar screeners. There's terrible basketball to watch. Like Cornet talks on a Thursday. I got real shit to do. But I do want to watch the Brutalist. I just. That just feels like you got to be in a mood, right?

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. A mood to enjoy something great.

[Bill Simmons]

My wife liked it, I forgot to tell you.

[Sean Fennessey]

Did she?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, did you like it? Did you see it?

[Sean Fennessey]

Did you see the Brutalist?

[Shay Serrano]

No, I did the same thing you did. I saw the Runtime and I was like, I don't want to.

[Bill Simmons]

It's intimidating.

[Chris Ryan]

It's like 40 minutes longer than John Wick 4.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, that's 40.

[Bill Simmons]

That's.

[Shay Serrano]

That's a lot of time. And nobody's riding a horse with a sword.

[Chris Ryan]

You wouldn't know.

[Shay Serrano]

I'm out. I'm out.

[Sean Fennessey]

That's going to be in the Brutalist too.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, I'll watch that one.

[Sean Fennessey]

I'm excited about that.

[Shay Serrano]

More movies should have that.

[Bill Simmons]

I would. I would have you give the your Oscar bets to everybody. But they can't bet here in Texas. What the hell? Texas. Boo. There's some fanduel people here. They love this Best actor Chalamet.

[Sean Fennessey]

No, no, no.

[Shay Serrano]

Really?

[Bill Simmons]

What happened?

[Sean Fennessey]

He has not won a single precursor. So if he wins, it's going to be really surprising.

[Chris Ryan]

So people's champ though. People love this kid.

[Bill Simmons]

You know what? Better. Better for the career if he doesn't win.

[Sean Fennessey]

I agree.

[Bill Simmons]

Builds up. It gets a Leo thing going.

[Sean Fennessey]

I think part of his campaign for this whole movie where he's been doing non traditional media like Nardwar and doing photo ops with Karl Anthony Townes, which I fully support, has been so that he maintains his cool without having to seem like he's glad handing every academy member. I like it. Adrien Brody's going to win though.

[Bill Simmons]

Who's winning best actress?

[Sean Fennessey]

Two weeks ago I would have said Demi Moore, but now it feels like Mikey Madison, she wanted BAFTA over the.

[Bill Simmons]

Weekend, has to win.

[Sean Fennessey]

I don't know. It feels like we'll find out on Sunday at the SAG Awards. That's when we'll figure it out.

[Bill Simmons]

If Demi Moore didn't win for about last night, she's never winning.

[Chris Ryan]

That's true. Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

So good in that movie you thought for Striptease?

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, I did. It was an under underappreciated classic.

[Bill Simmons]

Speaking of movies, Shay.

[Shay Serrano]

Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

Are we scared about Heat too?

[Shay Serrano]

I'm scared about it.

[Bill Simmons]

It's been a lot of conversations in our circles. This is. Sequels are tough, man. It's almost better up not happening than having one.

[Chris Ryan]

And then we were just talking about den of Thieves 2. We were talking about a bunch of twos recently.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, twos are tough.

[Shay Serrano]

I'm. I'm nervous, but I feel like you can't go into it expecting it to be bad. If it's the guy, if it's Michael Mann making Heat. You know what I mean?

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Shay Serrano]

Like go into it expecting it to be good. Don't automatically be like this fucking sucks to watch it and then go, that's fucking.

[Chris Ryan]

We should jump straight to. Jump straight to heat three. Just skip to skip to you problems. And then it's just like. Just finish the trilogy without making two.

[Bill Simmons]

What's the most disappointing you've ever been in a sequel, Sean? Oh.

[Sean Fennessey]

I mean, Batman Forever sucked. That was tough. You know we came off two Burton movies.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

Like I'm mixing it up. Schumacher. Yeah, he's interesting. Lost Boys. I like that guy. The Client. I was a big fan of that film. Batman Forever is terrible. That was if that was tough. I mean, Godfather 3 is a famous one, but we've come all the way back around international.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh my God. International movie. That guy is about to be right in the frame. If with Pope Francis, he's. He's in the mix.

[Bill Simmons]

What's your most disappointing sequel?

[Chris Ryan]

I got recency bias, but Gladiator 2 is a real bummer. It had all the guys in it, all my guys, and it just wasn't as good.

[Bill Simmons]

Is it ridley Scott, like 88?

[Sean Fennessey]

He's 84.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. My guard was up.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What about you, Shay?

[Shay Serrano]

I think I'm going to go with Gladiator 2 also.

[Bill Simmons]

Really?

[Shay Serrano]

The first Gladiator is a perfect movie and you just. If I was like, all it needs to be is like 70% of that and it wasn't 70% of that.

[Bill Simmons]

I have another 48 hours.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Eddie was like 20 pounds overweight for some reason. I didn't. I didn't understand why Jack Cates, why he was in jail for five more years. And then they. And then they just fought the whole time. But then at the end, Keough ends up being the Iceman.

[Chris Ryan]

It sucks.

[Bill Simmons]

And it's like, what the hell? Because then you. Then it ruins how you watch the first movie movie where it's like, this guy was the Iceman the whole time was giving it. And it just like. It was like a Jedi mind track. It really bothered me. None of you guys have even seen Ruined. I don't like when it ruins the movie before it with what they do with the sequel, when they go retroactively backwards and it fucks up. Like, what was in your head already really annoyed me.

[Sean Fennessey]

You think that could happen to Heat too, where it would.

[Bill Simmons]

That's what I don't want. I don't want my brain chemistry to get. I mean, we've seen heat 430 times.

[Chris Ryan]

That's. That's definitely affected our brain chemistry.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Shay, you were early on the wnba.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, well, that was early for guys.

[Bill Simmons]

No, you were early.

[Shay Serrano]

It was like 2018.

[Sean Fennessey]

You were the first player in the WNBA.

[Bill Simmons]

And now we're at the point with Caitlin Clark. Would you say she's the. The biggest under 30 basketball star we have, or would you go with somebody.

[Shay Serrano]

Else, like, on the planet? Yeah, I think. I mean, it's her. It's Wimby and maybe Anthony Edwards in that conversation, but Angel Reese is coming up quick. Like she's like, she's, she's playing a smart game.

[Bill Simmons]

Like she's playing the personality game.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very charming and she knows how to turn it on. But yeah, Caitlyn just has like this gravity about her that I think puts her right now a Little bit above everybody else. It's unreal.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you think?

[Sean Fennessey]

It pains me to say this, because I don't know that he's the most charismatic person in the world, but, you know, Jayson Tatum is, like, really, holy shit. Famous and successful, and I'm not kissing up to you because.

[Chris Ryan]

Are you trying to get a raise?

[Sean Fennessey]

I think we follow Aaron Rodgers to hell. Honestly, I don't. I don't want anything good for him. But I. I like the premise of the question. But, you know, first of all, Jason Tatum, he's only, like, 21. He's got that going for him.

[Bill Simmons]

26, is it?

[Chris Ryan]

Actually, Ja.

[Bill Simmons]

I know Ja doesn't play. I mean, Ja plays. He just misses games.

[Chris Ryan]

Love him. Like, Like. Like younger generations love.

[Bill Simmons]

Josh Shea's not going to like this, but he's going to respect it. Tatum's got Tim Duncanitis.

[Shay Serrano]

He does, yeah. He. When you watched him on the starting five Doc, that was my favorite part of the Doc is like, you did.

[Chris Ryan]

Are we supposed to be talking about Kate and Clark?

[Shay Serrano]

Anything about him?

[Bill Simmons]

We're gonna circle back.

[Shay Serrano]

You didn't learn anything about him. And I said, I. I missed that. I missed that in basketball players when all I know about them is what they do on the basketball court, and that's it. Like, he gives you that. But that's why he's not more popular than Caitlin Clark. Like, what's the Jason Tatum like thing? Or the commercial or what? Like, he doesn't have that magnetism that she has.

[Sean Fennessey]

Right.

[Shay Serrano]

You know?

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, sure.

[Shay Serrano]

I care about insurance because of Caitlin Clark. She was, like, in an insurance commercial then. I was like, I should. I should get renters insurance, I think.

[Bill Simmons]

Luca, I just don't understand that the. When they say Tatum's boring, I don't. I don't really know what that means in the context of the NBA now.

[Shay Serrano]

It means that because it just means.

[Bill Simmons]

He'S not tweeting enough. Is he not, like, doing enough Instagram videos? Like, what's boring?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. We were talking about Kevin Durant earlier. He's the only player who has, like, improved his image because of social media or making himself available. He's the only guy who knows how to do it. Everybody else is bad at it.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, it comes down to, like, authenticity, right?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So kd, whether you like them, don't like him, can bitch about the warriors decision, whatever. Like, he really seems like who he is. Like, he's the most authentic of, I think, all these guys. Tatum's pretty authentic. He's just, you know, Plays basketball, works out.

[Chris Ryan]

Inspiring, Loves his son. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know. What's your answer?

[Chris Ryan]

Is Caitlin Clark the most popular basketball player under 30? I mean, she is. She's definitely like, appointment television, right? Like, if she's going off, people are going to be like, we gotta turn this on. You gotta turn this on. How many basketball players? What was that, Bronnie? Yeah, definitely those G League games. Me and. Me and all the fellas watching some G League.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Bronnie's the best thing that's ever happened to go into a Laker game. Because if it's a blowout, everyone stays for Bronnie. You could just leave and get your car. It was like, this is great. I'm out of here.

[Chris Ryan]

Do you think it would have been funny if LeBron had backed out of the All Star Game and inserted Bronnie in his place?

[Shay Serrano]

That would have been cool.

[Chris Ryan]

He should just start doing stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, would you. Would you have been surprised?

[Chris Ryan]

Adam Silver would be like, what can I do? I don't. No power here.

[Bill Simmons]

Before we get to the big thing we're doing, who's winning the finals?

[Shay Serrano]

I think.

[Bill Simmons]

Give us. Give us a pick. Give us a finals pick. A matchup and a winner.

[Shay Serrano]

I still think. I still think Boston wins. I don't see anybody that's beating them, but they're going to beat OKC in five, sadly.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, I think. I think it's Boston. It's really painful. Shut up. It's really painful knowing having a, like, rooting for a great team and knowing that they're what I want them to be, but knowing that they're still just, like, one inch below a couple of other teams. That's painful. You've been there before. You've never been there.

[Chris Ryan]

Just want to see your goal. I'm fine.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you have? Cr.

[Chris Ryan]

The maps? Yeah, maps and sticks over Boston. Derek Lively makes a great comeback. No, I think it's the Thunder. I think the Thunder are, like, historically good. Thunder over Celtics.

[Sean Fennessey]

Did you. What's your. What's your pick, though?

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, I'm sticking with Celtics okc, because it was the preseason. I think Cleveland's really good. I. I actually think that they've somehow become underrated and undervalued. The Hunter trade was great.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

They're going to have home court every round for the first three.

[Chris Ryan]

How are you feeling about second row Joe these days?

[Bill Simmons]

Well, first of all, we call him Coach Joe.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to disrespect him. I don't know where I got that.

[Bill Simmons]

My dad's. My dad's getting a little gamey with him lately. Hasn't really liked some of the subs. He's come home complaining a couple of times, but he's fine. It's a hunger thing with them. It's. We just saw with the Eagles and the Chiefs, like, we always forget the hunger piece with sports where the Chiefs start complaining. It's like, oh, the super bowl. We do this every year. And the Eagles are like, I'll fucking kill five small children to win this one game. You know? And at some point the hunger piece is a real thing. And then you're playing like Cleveland or okc. These teams that have never been there. And you won last year. It's that little extra something. So that's the part that worries me, I think. This episode is brought to you by Marvel Television's Daredevil. Born Again. Charlie Cox returns as vigilante lawyer Matt Murdock and Vincent D'Onofrio as former mob boss Wilson Fisk. The darker side of Matt Murdock is revealed when he gains a new perspective on his role as the Daredevil and faces an internal struggle between justice and revenge. The devil's work is never done. Don't miss the two episode premiere of Born Again on March 4th, only on Disney. This episode is brought to you by VRBO Private vacation Rentals. With vrbo, you always get the whole house so you and your fellow fans can cheer on your team in peace. What's worse than watching a game with somebody who's not rooting for the same team? You're rooting for nothing. But that's why if you book a vacation house with vrbo, you know all the people in your house, they'll be friends, they'll be family. Ideally, they'll be the ones who also root for my teams. Plan a winning vacation. Make it a vrbo. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons Podcast. And this episode is brought to you by Intuit. TurboTax didn't file a TurboTax last year. That's in the past. Now taxes is getting the TurboTax app and filing your own taxes for free if you didn't file with them last year. Filed by February 28th. All tax forms, all 100% free. Now this is taxes into a TurboTax. New filers and filers who didn't use TurboTax last year only must start and file your own taxes in app by February 28th. Excludes TurboTax. Live full terms at turbotax. Com. All right, it's time. So you guys don't know what we're about to do. The lamest and most overused gimmick at a live show is to do a draft of something, and we're going to do that anyway. But we have a twist. We are going to draft sports movie characters who play basketball, and we're going to make a team out of them. And the catch is going to be for the two assistant coaches. The GM and the owner are going to be from heist movies, and we're going to build our team. And I swear, this is all going to make sense. And we're going to be here for.

[Chris Ryan]

Like, two and a half hours.

[Bill Simmons]

By the way, we're picking a starting five, a six man, a bench player who has to be a real bench player. It can't just be, like, a starter who's coming off the bench. We're going to pick a basketball movie coach. So it's like Coach Carter, those type of things. And then two assistants from a heist movie, a GM from a heist movie, and an owner from a heist movie.

[Shay Serrano]

So much stuff.

[Sean Fennessey]

This is going to be very long.

[Bill Simmons]

It's not gonna be that long. Shay, you have the first pick since you drove an hour to come here.

[Shay Serrano]

All right, wait, I have notes. Let me.

[Sean Fennessey]

Blew, like, four hours. Why does he get the drove?

[Shay Serrano]

All right, I got the first pick. Let me pick. I'm gonna pick this guy because automatically my team is gonna be better than everybody else's if I have this character. And I don't think he's on anybody else's list anyway, but I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna pick Elliot Richards from the movie Bedazzled. Everybody familiar with Elliot Richards, that's great. In Bedazzled, Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley, she plays the devil. He plays a guy who's asking for wishes. At one point, he wishes to be an NBA player, and she's like, poof, you're an NBA player. The hook. Every wish he makes, he get. There's, like, a bad part with the NBA player. He has a really small penis. So then he's like, never mind. I don't want to do this anymore. But he's an NBA player for one game, and in the game he plays, he has 104 points, 45 rebounds, 32 assists, 37 steals, 28 blocks. He's seven foot six and he shoots 100% from three.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow.

[Shay Serrano]

You can't. This is. This is Shaq and Steph Curry mushed together.

[Chris Ryan]

Nice foundation. Foundational piece.

[Bill Simmons]

So you're taking them as a center?

[Shay Serrano]

I'm taking him as a center.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. Big men are at a. At a premium in a fictional basketball player.

[Sean Fennessey]

Stretch five though. But not downstairs.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, yeah. By the way, I forgot to say three rules for this. No cartoon characters. Space Jam's out. No.

[Shay Serrano]

See, a lot of Lola Bunny fans.

[Bill Simmons]

How dare you groan at our dumb rules that we made up five minutes ago. No NBA players as themselves. Except with one exception if you want. But it can't just be like I take whoever. Jason White Chocolate Williams, because he was an Eddie playing Jason White Chocolate Williams. And then.

[Chris Ryan]

Well, you can, but that's just the only one you can take.

[Bill Simmons]

Right?

[Sean Fennessey]

Right.

[Chris Ryan]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

And that's it. And nobody from Celtic Pride because that movie sucked. But not allowed to do that. And we'll go stank fashion. Sean, you're up.

[Sean Fennessey]

Shoot. I didn't have Brendan Fraser's character from Bedazzled on my board.

[Bill Simmons]

Is he a Fire scout?

[Shay Serrano]

I knew you were tough one.

[Sean Fennessey]

Well, the first name I wrote down is Jesus Shuttlesworth from He Got Game. Which has the added benefit of being a great movie. And you know, honestly, there are not a lot of great basketball movies which you realize when you're going through this. A lot of great basketball characters. But Jesus was loosely modeled on a LeBron esque figure.

[Bill Simmons]

Somebody who could come, supposedly Stephon Marbury.

[Sean Fennessey]

Could save the game. Memorably played by Ray Allen in the movie. And he had it all. He had incredible range handle, good defender, good team guy. His teammates loved him. He had a lot of fun at Big State on his trip there. So he seems like an obvious centerpiece of my team.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. Good pick.

[Bill Simmons]

So Jesus, you know, it's really. We did. He Got Game. I can't remember when. For rewatchables I just. Ray Allen was just such a one on one with his basketball style.

[Shay Serrano]

So good, so good.

[Bill Simmons]

Like I just miss. I wish there was somebody like him now. But it's even fun to watch him in that movie. Just like his shot, the way he carried himself, the whole thing. Cr, you're up.

[Chris Ryan]

I'll take neon Bordeaux from It's a great Blue Chips as my center Shaq. Only red flag is that he got 520 on the SATs and misspelled his own name.

[Sean Fennessey]

But culturally biased.

[Chris Ryan]

I think once we get him into our program and we just get let our culture loose on him, it'll work. And I get my big man. So I'm really excited.

[Bill Simmons]

So I Thought he was going to be the first pick. Me, too, because he's.

[Chris Ryan]

I didn't know Shay was going to pick first. I could have told you he wouldn't.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, he's. He's dominant in blue chips. It's young Shaq.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Skinny Shaq. How do we feel about blue chips?

[Shay Serrano]

A pro blue chips. Great.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it's one of those movies that I was disappointed by for, like, 15 years. And then around 2009, I was like, this movie's awesome.

[Shay Serrano]

It's the.

[Bill Simmons]

So glad it exists.

[Shay Serrano]

Best basketball we've ever seen in a movie. Because they just set the camera down here and just followed and they had.

[Bill Simmons]

All the best guys from 1933. They're just running, like, real games.

[Chris Ryan]

I forgot that Patino coaches Western Texas.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

In that movie. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. I guess I'm up with two picks, so there's a lot of guys left on the board that I like, and I. I'm taking an owner pick out of the gate.

[Sean Fennessey]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm sorry. A GM pick. I'm taking Neil McCauley from Heat.

[Sean Fennessey]

Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

I have to have him. He's got to be on my team. Why are you so interesting what I do, lady? I really feel like, you know, he's methodical. Little Sam Presti. Ish.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. It's like you call Neil McCauley and you're like, we. We need Paul George because that's how we're going to get Kawhi Leonard. Neal McCauley would hold out for SGA in the six first rounders, but what.

[Sean Fennessey]

Is his version of going back for Wayne Grow?

[Bill Simmons]

It's a good question.

[Sean Fennessey]

Panic trading. Chet, you know, you don't want to do that.

[Bill Simmons]

But that's why. That's why I'm here. Because that's where you talk Neil out of, like, don't know. Dude, we won. The Paul George trade.

[Shay Serrano]

Don't go.

[Chris Ryan]

If he calls Neil McCauley for Luca, does he go? There's a dead man on the other end of this.

[Shay Serrano]

So the guy that you want running your team. My gm, is his whole team dies.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

Except for one who's holed up somewhere. He dies.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

And the only rule that he ever says he has immediately breaks the first time it comes into play. That's the guy running your.

[Bill Simmons]

I was really impressed with some of his heists. Put in the. Putting the stuff on the. You know. What were those things called? The things that break the tires? Yeah. Not only the ambulance, but then putting that across the way. I don't know. I Just like how he just got the job. All right, all right. My other pick. So, I mean, this is a layup, but Fish that saves Pittsburgh. Julius Irving plays Moses Guthrie. And it's right. His knee. He still has his knees. It's a. It's like right after the ABA NBA merger, and he's just crushing it. In real life, he's in the movie. There's a playground scene where he takes a girl on a date.

[Shay Serrano]

That's the best.

[Bill Simmons]

Starts dunking for her with slow motion with, like, romantic music, and it's just lights out toward force.

[Shay Serrano]

Women love that, by the way. Yeah, they love it.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, it started 50 years of people doing that on dates. Anyway, he's on my team too, so there you go. Shay, is that. No. Chris, you're up.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh, we're gonna go.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, we're going back. We're stink drafting.

[Chris Ryan]

Okay. I think I'll take Billy Hoyle from White Man Ken Chambo.

[Shay Serrano]

I like it.

[Bill Simmons]

I like it.

[Chris Ryan]

It's a little bit of a debate as to whether Billy or Sydney are. Who's better. You know, I know that, like, they.

[Sean Fennessey]

Played right into my hands.

[Chris Ryan]

But I think Billy just has that sense of fashion, that flair, that big game appetite. I love it. I would say that.

[Bill Simmons]

So go ahead.

[Sean Fennessey]

So it was. It's because he's white.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, that's why.

[Sean Fennessey]

Billy Hoyle, great character, very inspiring to a young me, but also a complete fiction. The idea of that guy balling out on the Venice Courts, absolute nonsense. Sidney Dean would have broken his ankles a hundred times out of 100.

[Shay Serrano]

I've seen videos of the professor on that same court doing that same stuff. Just.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, that was AI.

[Bill Simmons]

We were watching Woody. Was Woody as. As Billy Hoyle. Very Austin Reeves. Ish. When you watch Austin Reeves now, that kind of herky jerky cross.

[Chris Ryan]

And if he hadn't had the distraction of Rosie Perez being on Jeopardy, who knows what he could have achieved, you know?

[Sean Fennessey]

And who is.

[Chris Ryan]

Or just the distraction of Rosie Perez in general.

[Sean Fennessey]

The Sanuki brothers. Right. That was kind of an issue for cr.

[Bill Simmons]

Do you see Neon Budo and Billy Hoyle running a lot of pick and roll or high school.

[Chris Ryan]

We have to see how my back work fills out, Bill, but thank you for asking.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay, Sean, what do you got?

[Sean Fennessey]

I'll just take Sydney Dean. So nobody else can take him. We can close out. White men can't jump right here unless you want to take some of the guys.

[Shay Serrano]

They were against people nobody's picking.

[Sean Fennessey]

I just think Sidney Dean and Jesus in my backcourt, we've got a lot of speed, power. We're going to be really hard to defend at the rim. We've got range. I'm feeling good about my backcourt so far also, you know, I had my eye, Neil, just to make you mad, but you jumped at. Jumped the line, so I'm going to.

[Bill Simmons]

Make the crowd mad. I didn't think Wesley Snice was good at basketball. I never bought the high dribble. A lot of this. Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

A lot of his stuff is in slow mo.

[Bill Simmons]

And then when we did the research for rewatchables, it was like he had never really played basketball, and they had to put him through, like, a basketball clinic. And I was like, I knew it. Whereas, like, Woody, you could just see, like, he had the flow to him. So, anyway, congrats, Sean. Great pick.

[Sean Fennessey]

I feel like Giannis didn't pick up a basketball till he was like, 15. Similar situation. Quick study.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, you have two picks. I'm on the edge of my seat.

[Shay Serrano]

I have two picks. All right, you don't know how we're going to defend that back court. I'm going to tell you how we're going to defend that back court. Number one, we still have Elliot Richards, who's seven foot six, but give me Wood Harris from above the rim.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh, my God. You're going with Wood first.

[Shay Serrano]

I want. I want. I want Wood Harris because I want a guy who, if he's going to lose, he's fucking shooting up the court. This is a man who takes winning and losing very seriously.

[Chris Ryan]

Okay?

[Shay Serrano]

That's how we defend. They go like, we can't beat.

[Sean Fennessey]

No, it's Wayne Martin.

[Shay Serrano]

We got. Let's lose this game because he's got a Uzi in his Adidas bag. I don't want to deal with that.

[Bill Simmons]

So you have Wood as a. As a forward?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Small forward.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And what do you have for your other pick?

[Shay Serrano]

I need a point guard, and I need a person who can get the ball around. I need a proven champion. I need somebody with a little bit of blood lust. Give me Monica Wright from Love and Basketball. Yeah, that's what I need. I was rewatching it recently. That's a good basketball movie.

[Sean Fennessey]

It is, right?

[Shay Serrano]

But there's a part in it early on where the first time we meet her, she's a little girl, the little girl version of her, and she walks up to the boys, they're all playing three boys, and she's like, hey, can I play? She's got a hat on. And they're like, oh, yeah, sure. And she takes a hat off. Oh, my God, it's a girl. Whatever. Becomes this whole thing. They're like talking shit about her. And then immediately, immediately, immediately she fucking starts putting them in the blender. Just bucket after bucket after bucket. And then she's going up for one bucket. Quincy has gotten fed up. He shoves her in the back. She falls, her face drags on the floor. She picks it up, it's covered in blood. And then we cut to her in the house cleaning it. And she's fucking smiling. And I'm like, hell, yeah, that's a Hooper. That's the only person who could play point guard on a team with a guy with an Uzi in his Adidas bag. That's who I need. I'm feeling real good about my team right now.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, you went for toughness.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Wood Harris, Monte McCall, and a 7 foot 6 guy who played one game. Who do you have, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

I'll also be selecting a stretch 5. Another incredible athlete with a gift we've not seen before. I'll be taking Sandy Lyle from Along Came Polly, as portrayed by Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm putting him in your bench spot.

[Sean Fennessey]

Okay, well, I don't know what you mean by that, because, Raindrop.

[Bill Simmons]

I had him on my board. What do you have? Cr.

[Chris Ryan]

Isn't it your turn?

[Bill Simmons]

No. Is it?

[Chris Ryan]

I picked.

[Bill Simmons]

No, you're. You're doing two now.

[Chris Ryan]

All right, It's. Isn't it history? He hasn't picked in a while, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Did I screw this up?

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, you went this way, then we went that way. You picked two, then you went back to me, then we went this way, then you went.

[Shay Serrano]

This is going.

[Chris Ryan]

It's your turn. It's your turn.

[Sean Fennessey]

No, it's.

[Bill Simmons]

Fantasy. Fantasy's third pick was what? He just make a third.

[Sean Fennessey]

I just took Sandy Lyle.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, yeah. So you have three.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, we're doing this correctly. Okay, go. And then Bill goes two, and then you go back.

[Chris Ryan]

My turn, my turn.

[Sean Fennessey]

Kyle, cut this out of the pod.

[Chris Ryan]

I can't believe this is still.

[Bill Simmons]

Cut this. No, you go. And then I go.

[Chris Ryan]

Kyle, turn the Tik Tok camera on. I'm thinking Jimmy Chitwood from Hoosier.

[Bill Simmons]

Another white guy, Great pick.

[Chris Ryan]

It works for the Lakers, it works for team Chris. It's fine. Clutch just absolutely nails. He's mostly been playing on farmland for most of his life. So I feel like when we get him into a modern sports science program, who knows what he could do?

[Bill Simmons]

It's a great pick. He did quit on his team and came back. He did come back. All right. That's a good pick. He was on my board.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, no shit. I bet he was on your board.

[Bill Simmons]

Now, this is. I'm going with guys who were awesome in real life when they were making the movie. Which brings me to Hustler from Fast Break, a movie that none of you have ever seen. Fast Break movie that came out in 1979. Bernard King plays Hustler, who's like, a pool guy who ended up not going to college, but he was an All American. And if you watch Fast Break, it's just Bernard King just being amazing. So I'm putting him with Dr. J, and I'm kicking ass with those two guys. Plus, I have a team of Moses Guthrie, Hustler, and Neil McCauley as my GM. I'm feeling great. So there's two, and then. I'm so excited this guy's on the board. I need a center. He's a little undersized. In Teen Wolf, you can't make him your center.

[Chris Ryan]

Are you serious?

[Bill Simmons]

I'm not taking Teen Wolf.

[Shay Serrano]

Oh, okay, now he's taking Big Body.

[Bill Simmons]

If you've watched Teen wolf enough, number 45, white guy, teen Wolf, you know, he turns into a wolf than he did in the last game. He got all the. All the praise. The school rallied around him. They're selling merch.

[Chris Ryan]

Teen Wolf.

[Sean Fennessey]

Are we sure he's good?

[Bill Simmons]

No. Well, he was great. Number 45 is just fucking carrying them. You watch that movie. He's protecting the rim. He's rebounding. He's doing everything. It's, like, heroic to watch. I don't know what his name was, and I don't even know if he was in the credits. But if you watch, he's, like, 15, 12 and 5 in the final game.

[Chris Ryan]

This is an iconic draft from you.

[Bill Simmons]

So I'm going number number 45, Teen Wolf as my fourth pick. Chris, you're up.

[Chris Ryan]

I'm up again.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

Okay. I'll take Shep from above the rim. Our advanced analytics team loves this. 40 points in two minutes.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, he's 14 for 14 for the field.

[Chris Ryan]

Just like. Like, bombing away from three. Way before three and D was a thing, so.

[Shay Serrano]

Corduroy pants.

[Chris Ryan]

I know he was still in his work clothes. Imagine if he was wearing shorts.

[Bill Simmons]

This guy will, you know. Now, if they did above the rim now, those would be all threes.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, there was a couple of threes in there, though, wasn't there?

[Shay Serrano]

He had 10 threes. Yeah. In that game, 10 for 10.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought he was just taking like 17 footers. No, no, no.

[Chris Ryan]

Go back and watch the tape, man.

[Shay Serrano]

Come on, we studied it.

[Bill Simmons]

Get on second money from the top of the key.

[Chris Ryan]

So I have Shep from.

[Bill Simmons]

I like that. That's a really good pick. And he goes in with your team of quitters. Shep quit Neon tried to quit. Billy Hoyle tried to quit his relationship. You're up, Sean.

[Sean Fennessey]

I'm going to take some. A more recent vintage of player and the most recent great basketball movie Hustle, starring Adam Sandler.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, I like this.

[Sean Fennessey]

And I'll take Bo Cruz, as portrayed by Juancho Hernan Gomez.

[Chris Ryan]

He's on the board.

[Sean Fennessey]

Great pick, Juancho. Need a big man, obviously a bit of an unknown coming overseas. Really needed a strong voice, an advocate for his game. And frankly, we need his size on our squad.

[Bill Simmons]

His size. Unselfish.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought you were going to go Edwards there. Shit. Shay has two picks.

[Shay Serrano]

I got two. Jimmy Chitwood, great pick, very clutch. There's only been one player ever in fictional basketball who was more clutch than Jimmy, and it's Snake Plissken from Escape from la. He's in the full court torture chamber of death. He's got to hit five shots before the 10 second clock. Whatever. It ends with him throwing a full court. Yeah, yeah. Throwing a full court shot the first. Let me explain what happens.

[Chris Ryan]

No. Start at the beginning of Escape.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, they have a basketball court with guys with guns all around it. They've captured Snake. They have him in the basketball court. The guy in charge, some whatever bad guy tells him, hey, you got to score 10 points. I'm going to put 10 seconds on the shot clock. You get the ball at half court, every time you score, the clock resets itself. And if you don't score 10 points before the clock resets itself or if you miss a shot, we're going to shoot you and you're going to die. So the first one, he makes a layup, easy, but he bobbles it a little bit so he doesn't get all the way down. So the second shot, he has to shoot like a 15 footer. Now he's got to shoot a three pointer. And then his last two shots, he has to shoot from half court. Fucking drills it. And then full court with his life on the line with one eye. He's got one eye and he drills it. It's as clutch as it gets.

[Sean Fennessey]

What do you think of Kurt Russell's shooting form?

[Shay Serrano]

He's 100% from the field. I don't care what it looks like. I don't care, Sean. Mary in that up there. I don't care. Let that thing go.

[Bill Simmons]

He is so cool. He's such. Such a cool guy.

[Shay Serrano]

Such a cool guy.

[Bill Simmons]

Great once.

[Shay Serrano]

Great.

[Bill Simmons]

And he came by himself. It was ten in the morning. He was wearing a leather jacket. It was 78 degrees outside. And he stunk his cigarettes. And I was just like, you're fucking awesome. From you. Sean, you're up.

[Shay Serrano]

Wait, I got one more.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, you were up.

[Shay Serrano]

Sorry about my last. My last pick. I need it. I need a wild card. I need a guy who's going to do something nobody else is going to do. Give me David from Prometheus. The Android.

[Chris Ryan]

You fucking stole that from me, man.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, see, there's one. There's one scene where he's playing basketball. He's riding a bicycle and shooting.

[Chris Ryan]

He's shooting three.

[Shay Serrano]

Book shot on the bike. Drilling it.

[Chris Ryan]

And you know what the best thing about David is? You don't have to worry about load management.

[Shay Serrano]

You don't have to worry about load management. He's an Android guy.

[Chris Ryan]

Gets his head cut off, comes back to work.

[Bill Simmons]

Unbeatable team.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

So is that a forward or a guard?

[Shay Serrano]

That's a guard. That's a guard. That's my. That's my shooting. My shooting guard.

[Bill Simmons]

Android guy. Okay.

[Shay Serrano]

That's my five.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow. It's quite a team you got.

[Shay Serrano]

Thank you.

[Bill Simmons]

Bedazzle Guy, Wood, Harris, Moncall, Android, and Snake Puss. Game on Shay's team right now.

[Shay Serrano]

Go ahead.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got, Sean?

[Sean Fennessey]

I've got an incredibly flexible roster, but I need an owner.

[Shay Serrano]

My man is stressed.

[Sean Fennessey]

Somebody who I can really trust. Somebody who's got big ideas, who knows how to continue building out a front office. No Nicos in this business. So I'm going Joe Cabot from Reservoir Dogs as the owner. You know, we know how he knows how to put a job together. We know he's just a mean.

[Chris Ryan]

He's owner or gm.

[Sean Fennessey]

What's that?

[Chris Ryan]

Is his owner or gm?

[Sean Fennessey]

He's owner.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Sean Fennessey]

And he also loves his Nepo baby son. Gave him a job in the front.

[Shay Serrano]

Office.

[Sean Fennessey]

Which is very owner behavior. And I'm just really excited about what we're going to do together. And also he loves colors, so he's going to be great with uniforms.

[Chris Ryan]

Nice job.

[Bill Simmons]

That's a really nice pick.

[Sean Fennessey]

Thank you.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you cr.

[Chris Ryan]

All right, so I have Shep, I've got Chitwood, I've got Hoyle, and I've got Neon.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a great team for not Enough balls for that team. I just.

[Chris Ryan]

I need a glue guy. I need a deep bench guy who's going to keep everybody loose. So I'm going to go with Jim Carroll from Basketball Diaries, played by Leonardo DiCaprio.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Chris Ryan]

I love the idea of him getting Jimmy Chitwood into heroin, you know, just to mix it up.

[Bill Simmons]

Six man.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. Deep bench. Another white guy. I've no, I'm sorry about that.

[Sean Fennessey]

By accident.

[Shay Serrano]

This is dei. This is what everybody's gonna draft. David.

[Chris Ryan]

That's right. I feel somehow emboldened. I don't know why. That's a good laugh, Bill.

[Bill Simmons]

I, I'm. I have two picks. This is a big part of the draft for me. I need a guard right now. I have number 45 from Teen Wolf at center, Moses Guthrie. Hustler. And Neil McAuley is my GM. And I'm going to take Butch McCray from Blue Chips. Keeping my philosophy of real life basketball players playing characters. This was Penny Hardaway. He had not ended up on Orlando yet. And I just want to tell you because this was over 30 years ago, them drafting Penny Hardaway to play with Shaq, but they were both in a movie together. Might have been the single coolest thing in 1993.

[Shay Serrano]

I think that's why they drafted him all.

[Bill Simmons]

Anyway. So we'll take him and then. I can't believe he's still on the board. I think I'm going to use him as my bench guy. But Fletch, during the dream sequence. Fletch with the Afro. You know, it's not a long scene, but you can see there's a lot going on there. He's just a force. The other team didn't know what was happening. So Fletch with the Afro is my bench guy. This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn. In basketball, a blockbuster trade can make or break your playoff run before the deadline. GMs across the league scourge for the right data and insights, hoping their moves pay off. February 6th trade deadline this year. By the way, just like in basketball, growing your small business in 2025 all comes down to how well you can build your team. That starts with better insights from LinkedIn with unique skills and interests to the connections you have in common. LinkedIn has the strongest hiring data and insights to help you identify the right professionals so you can make the best hiring decisions. LinkedIn pairs you with the high quality candidates you need to make your business grow and flourish. LinkedIn also lets you go beyond candidates who are actively applying in a given week. 171 million LinkedIn members aren't actively seeking jobs. But they are open to new opportunities. Who isn't? That's a big pool of people you don't wanna miss out on. And who knows, one of them could be your next All Star player. So hire smarter in the new year. Find your next Great hire on LinkedIn. Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com Simmons Once again, LinkedIn.com Simmons to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. So you sign up to stream a show, and then months later, you're still paying for the service long after you finished it. That sounds familiar. Try Rocket Money, a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending. It helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com bill today. What do you got, Sierra?

[Chris Ryan]

I'll take Tupac from above the rim as my coach.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, Birdie, Birdie.

[Chris Ryan]

Interesting motivational techniques, communication style. And I just think that this is a team of guys like you. You've mentioned quitters and perhaps Tupac will motivate them to do otherwise.

[Shay Serrano]

Little razor blade.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, yeah. Trying to balance out all that white.

[Bill Simmons]

That's right.

[Chris Ryan]

So I have two. Is. Do I.

[Bill Simmons]

No. Now Sean's up.

[Chris Ryan]

Now Sean's got.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, a lot of guys left.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. I'm going to take. I'm going to. I'm going to slide Shuttlesworth to the three.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Sean Fennessey]

And I'm gonna take Uncle Drew in the cinematic masterpiece Uncle Drew starring Kyrie Irving, which is the film I've not seen, but I have seen that commercial. And that old man can ball out. So that's. He'll be bringing it up for us.

[Bill Simmons]

Great. So you're going a little smaller.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah. Trying to counter all that. All the white guys.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, you got two.

[Shay Serrano]

I got two for my sixth man and my deep bench six man. Not a sixth man at all. He's a sixth dog. Give me air Bud. A champion. The greatest winner in sports movie history. Championship in basketball. He plays volleyball. Championship in volleyball. Play soccer. Championship in soccer. Baseball. Played baseball. I won a championship. That kid's a winner. Give me airbud.

[Bill Simmons]

It's a movie that only makes sense when you have a kid.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Cuz it came out, I was like, this the stupidest thing ever. And then you have like a five year old and they're like, what is. It's like Gone with the Wind five Year old. This is the greatest, greatest thing, cinematic achievement. Anyone's made a dog scoring baskets. Gone with the.

[Chris Ryan]

Gone with the Wind is a weirdly popular movie in my locker room, actually.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, right.

[Chris Ryan]

Billy and Chitwich is like, I love this part.

[Shay Serrano]

For my deep bent. Wait, are we allowed to pick TV as well? Or is it only movies?

[Bill Simmons]

No movies.

[Shay Serrano]

Don't try to cheat. Okay? I was.

[Bill Simmons]

You already took the bedazzle.

[Shay Serrano]

I was going to have a dog.

[Sean Fennessey]

On your team, for Christ sake.

[Shay Serrano]

I was going to go. I was going to grab Jim from the office because he's a fucking monster. But if I can't have him, then I need. I need a deep bench person. Give me Spaceman from Sunset Park. Does anybody remember? Yeah, because he's a young. Terrence Howard.

[Sean Fennessey]

Terrence Howard, right.

[Shay Serrano]

Rhea Perlman's coaching this. This inner city team. They're getting beat real bad in a game. She's yelling at him at halftime, and he plays the crazy kid on the team that nobody talks to. And she's screaming at him and she's like, is there anybody in here who's not afraid to play this other team? And then they all look at him and they just go, no, no, no, no, no. And then it cuts to him diving after loose balls and taking charges and crashing into people and smiling, and it's just great. It's a great moment. I need a guy coming off the bench, running into people. Give me space, man.

[Bill Simmons]

I just want to say we've known each other a long time and you had seven player spots. You not taking Timo Cruz from Coach Carter is the most shocking moment of my year so far.

[Shay Serrano]

I don't need him. I don't need him.

[Bill Simmons]

I just can't believe it.

[Shay Serrano]

He can't do anything better than the guys on my team. Can't do it. I tell you what. Coach Carter would not have sent Bedazzled home. I tell you that. I tell you that.

[Bill Simmons]

Sean, what do you got?

[Sean Fennessey]

Tough one. Got Uncle Drew. Lock that down.

[Bill Simmons]

Jesus.

[Sean Fennessey]

Shuttlesworth. Sydney Dean. We're closing out the blue chips triumvirate. I need a stretch four. So I'm going with Ricky Rowe, the real pride of Indiana, who is the horniest, greediest dickhead in the history of basketball movies, but who has an incredible stroke as portrayed by Matt Nover. And I'm referring, of course, to his bed game.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. Why are you staring right at me when you're saying that?

[Sean Fennessey]

When I think Ricky Rowe, I think cr. And so we're going to be playing seven seconds or Less Phoenix sun style. That's what I'm thinking.

[Bill Simmons]

I like it. CR.

[Chris Ryan]

Would that go over well if I did that? Let's think about it for a second. For my owner. I've been thinking about this a lot from a heist film. I'm gonna go with Krista from the town played by Blake Lively. I just think Blake Lively in the owner's box is box office. That's just absolutely amazing content. And do I get a second pick here? Just one. Okay. I have no idea what the order is.

[Bill Simmons]

You only pick once.

[Chris Ryan]

Okay. I'll take Blake Lively as my owner.

[Bill Simmons]

So you're taking Krista from the town.

[Chris Ryan]

Yes.

[Bill Simmons]

Shine's mom.

[Chris Ryan]

Yes. Shine's mom.

[Sean Fennessey]

And who's Shine's dead.

[Chris Ryan]

I think it's supposed to be. The implication is it might be Doug. Right.

[Sean Fennessey]

But it's going to be Rosilla.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. I can't believe somebody threw out the Ed Norton. My scouts did. Look at the two hand dunk. His real name was Derek Vineyard. I'm not taking him. Team chemistry was too risky.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Just didn't seem like a great move.

[Shay Serrano]

When I got to Austin, I went to Kirk's house. I was hanging out with Kirk and he was trying to convince me to take Derek. He was like the advanced analytics say you should take the knock.

[Bill Simmons]

He was unbelievable.

[Shay Serrano]

He's like, it's worth the risk. It's worth the risk. I don't think it is.

[Chris Ryan]

It's worth the risk. That's what guys were saying in Eco.

[Shay Serrano]

Worth the risk.

[Bill Simmons]

Kirk's showing you his shot chart.

[Shay Serrano]

His shots are in the shape of a swastika. I couldn't not make that joke.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm taking as my owner, Danny Ocean.

[Shay Serrano]

There you go.

[Sean Fennessey]

Interesting.

[Shay Serrano]

There you go.

[Bill Simmons]

Handsome, good at his job. He'll represent us well. I think the fans will like him. And he's got a Rob Pelinka kind of vibe to him. Could see him talking Nico Harrison in a giving away the farm.

[Sean Fennessey]

I have some questions about Neil reporting to Danny.

[Bill Simmons]

That's one of the reasons we have Danny. Yeah, yeah. And then for one of my assistant coaches, I'm just going to lock them down. Also from heat, Michael Choretto, played by Tom Sizemore. I just feel like you need him every once in a while for that. For me, the action is the juice. Like, you just need him in the room for the big moments. So he's on there, too. I got him. Sorry, C.R.

[Chris Ryan]

That'S okay. Just one pick or two picks?

[Sean Fennessey]

Now you get five picks.

[Chris Ryan]

Five picks.

[Bill Simmons]

You always have One pick.

[Chris Ryan]

All right. For my assistant. Assistant coach, I'm gonna do Rusty from Ocean's Eleven. Just absolute, like when the coach yells at you, when, when Tupac's done yelling at them, Rusty will just be like, it's all right, guys, don't worry about it. Like, he, he, he's not really gonna kill you after the game. Like so. Yeah, I'll go with Rusty for assistant coach.

[Bill Simmons]

I like it. Sean.

[Sean Fennessey]

For my coach, I'll be taking Jack Cunningham from the way back because we know that Jack knows how to. How to fight the good fight and inspire. And we need to find a way to beat 7 foot 6 Brendan Fraser somehow. So I feel like he could really draw up some interesting plays for our seven seconds or less.

[Bill Simmons]

How do you see Jack working with Sandy Lyle on your team?

[Sean Fennessey]

Well, I see some potential issues, but I'm excited to see what Jack can pull together.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, Shay, you got two.

[Shay Serrano]

All righty. I need a coach.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you sure do.

[Shay Serrano]

And I need a coach who can handle a Devil Wish man, a guy with an Uzi, a point guard with bloodlust, an Android, and a one eyed mercenary.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

And there's only one guy we've seen in any movie who could, I think, handle that lineup. That's Coach Finstock from Teen Wolf.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

He's just sitting on a bench, one of his players turns into a werewolf. And he looks and he's like, fuck it, ball up top, baby.

[Chris Ryan]

That's right.

[Shay Serrano]

That's who I need coaching my team. So give me him.

[Bill Simmons]

You know, just as an aside on Coach, because he was on my board. He was the one who had the three rules. Always get 12 hours of sleep. Never play cards with a guy who's got the first name as a city, and never go near a lady who has a dagger on her body. You stick with that and everything else is cream cheese. That was Coach Vincent, an absolute legend. He was on my board.

[Shay Serrano]

We're winning a championship for my owner. I'm gonna go the sort of same strategy. You win. I need a guy who pulled off the perfect heist. Give me Dalton Russell from Inside Man. That's all I need. Nobody dies. He walks away a hero and very rich. Give me that guy. I want him running my stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. Sean, we're running out of spots. You have, you have two assistant spots, a GM spot. I know that's. Shay.

[Sean Fennessey]

I have a GM spot still.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you have a GM spot still.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, and I'm gonna. I'm going double Affleck. I'm going Tom Red Fly Davis from Triple Frontier.

[Shay Serrano]

So.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh, wow.

[Sean Fennessey]

Will be reporting to. To Affleck in a never before seen doubling in a basketball characters movie draft.

[Shay Serrano]

Great idea.

[Sean Fennessey]

And Red Fly, of course, fails miserably at the end of Triple Frontier.

[Chris Ryan]

Killed.

[Sean Fennessey]

Nevertheless, I trust him to run this franchise effectively to a championship.

[Bill Simmons]

Can I ask the crowd, where do you guys stand on Triple Frontier? Yeah, See, that's why it's on the list.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, it's excellent.

[Bill Simmons]

It's excellent. It's on the rewatchables list.

[Shay Serrano]

Affleck reporting to Affleck. I'm back around. Sean Finessy is the smartest person I've ever met. I'm back. I'm back. That's great.

[Bill Simmons]

CR do you think you have one pick or two right now?

[Chris Ryan]

I think I have one. Don't flip it on me. I just didn't understand what you were doing.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got?

[Chris Ryan]

What do I have left?

[Bill Simmons]

You need a forward spot, a bench spot, an assistant coach, and a G. Gm.

[Chris Ryan]

All right, for my bench spot, I'm gonna go Jackie Moon from semi pro. You never know when he can just light it up. Like, just absolute great vibes guy.

[Sean Fennessey]

What race is he?

[Bill Simmons]

So you have Jimmy Chitwood, Billy Hoyle, Jim Carroll, and Jackie Moon. Christmas franchise is played in Utah.

[Chris Ryan]

Or Boston, India.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, so now I have two. I really need a coach, but I. You need a coach too, right? Oh, you took a coach. Who needs a coach?

[Sean Fennessey]

I did.

[Bill Simmons]

Am I the only one that needs a coach?

[Chris Ryan]

I have Tupac. He has Ben Affleck.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah. All right, so I need one more assistant. I. I thought long and hard about Jim from the town, but I just feel like somebody would get murdered. That's probably a bad idea, but I really like this guy. And I think he's like a Tom Thibodeau 2008 type.

[Chris Ryan]

I know exactly you're gonna say.

[Bill Simmons]

Who am I gonna say?

[Chris Ryan]

Give her a little taste.

[Bill Simmons]

No. Fergus, the flower shop? No.

[Sean Fennessey]

I'm kind of video of that movie. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm taking a Merriman from. From Den of Thieves. Good planner. Takes his work seriously. Family guy.

[Chris Ryan]

Donnie planned that heist.

[Bill Simmons]

Merriman. Family guy.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, but Donnie got family here, bro.

[Bill Simmons]

Benihana. He's trying to enjoy a nice silent dinner with his family. So I got Merriman. So that gives me. I have all my assistants. I'm not hiring my head coach yet. I still need a guard, and I still need a six man. And Teen Wolf is still on the board. And you know what? Not any longer. So I'm taking Teen Wolf. I'm going to have Scott Howard and Teen Wolf. I get them both. And we'll just decide game to game if he's going to be the human of the Teen Wolf, and maybe even during the game he'll turn into Teen Wolf. But I think it'd be really hard to prepare for the game. You're like, is he going to do the wolf thing today or is it just going to be, oh, he's just a five foot four point guard. I can't triple today. But with the other team's going to be in their toes. So I'm taking Teen Wolf. Chris, you're up again.

[Chris Ryan]

All right, so I need a six man and an assistant coach.

[Bill Simmons]

Yep.

[Chris Ryan]

And can we do that breaking the.

[Bill Simmons]

That would be the Edward. That would be funny for the social video they make where people are like, what the happened in Austin?

[Chris Ryan]

We can do the like, NBA player playing themselves. Just one pick.

[Bill Simmons]

Do it.

[Chris Ryan]

All right. LeBron from train wreck.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

Plays basketball. Why?

[Shay Serrano]

Boo.

[Chris Ryan]

You guys really want me to take Norton?

[Shay Serrano]

They wanted.

[Chris Ryan]

Sorry for just trying to put together a diverse locker room. Austin.

[Shay Serrano]

You.

[Bill Simmons]

You just entered a world of every. Every December. He's going to be talking about how it needs more help. Yeah. Wait till, like, I don't know if Shep from above the rim is enough. And forward got to get a better score.

[Chris Ryan]

We told Krista from the town talks to him for five minutes.

[Bill Simmons]

Here, LeBron.

[Chris Ryan]

Here's the P Set.

[Bill Simmons]

All right, Fantasy, you're up and you.

[Sean Fennessey]

Need a. I need two assistants and.

[Bill Simmons]

You need a center. I have you with three spots left.

[Sean Fennessey]

What about Juan Hernand Gomez?

[Bill Simmons]

I have him at.

[Chris Ryan]

You can have him at center.

[Bill Simmons]

I have him at forward. Do you have a center?

[Sean Fennessey]

Ricky Rose at 4.

[Bill Simmons]

He's have you as. Here's what I have for your team. Jesus Shuttlesworth, Bo Cruz, Uncle Drew, Sydney Dream, Sydney Dean, Ricky Rowe and Sandy Lyle as your six players and Juancho Hernan.

[Sean Fennessey]

Go. Yeah, that's.

[Bill Simmons]

That's Beau Cruz.

[Sean Fennessey]

That's six guys. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

But you got. You can have a seventh.

[Sean Fennessey]

Okay, so I need one more player and two assistant coaches.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Sean Fennessey]

Okay. I'll come back to the player because I have a good idea for that one. But I'm not drafting Kazaam, you dork. I. One of my assistants. I need like a live wire. I need a real mouthy guy. You don't totally know what he's gonna do.

[Bill Simmons]

Wangro.

[Sean Fennessey]

I'm going with Danny Sharp as portrayed by Jake Gyllenhaal in Ambulance Ooh, that's a deep pull. Good Ambulance, which might be the best movie of the decade and featuring an incredible performance by Gyllenhaal. And, you know, sometimes you. There's a guy who. Who's behind the guy who. You're like, that guy's going to get fired tonight because he keeps yelling at the best player. That's Danny Sharp from my team, coked.

[Chris Ryan]

Out, wearing a turtleneck.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, do you like Ambulance?

[Shay Serrano]

I do like Ambulance. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It just hasn't gotten me yet, but I know it will.

[Shay Serrano]

It'll get you.

[Bill Simmons]

It's just one of those things. I know it's going to happen at some point. It just hasn't happened yet.

[Chris Ryan]

Let us know.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I'll let you know. I'll keep you. I'll keep you all posted. Shay. You got two. All right, so here's what. Here's Shay's team.

[Shay Serrano]

Oh, tell them.

[Bill Simmons]

Bedazzled, Brendan Frazier, Snake Plissken, Wood Harris. What was his character? Muta?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah. I don't know. I just. He's Wood Harris all the time.

[Bill Simmons]

Monica McCall, Android Guy. What movie was that? Prometheus.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Air Bud, Spaceman. Coach. Finstock coaching. And Dalton Russell is the owner. So you need two assistants and a gm.

[Shay Serrano]

All right, for my gm, I need somebody who's going to outsmart everybody. And because of that, I'm going to pick this person who she pulls off the coolest move in any heist movie that's ever been done. It's a small thing, and set it off. They break in to rob the bank. They're doing the, you know, everybody put your hands down or whatever. They all get. All the customers get down on the floor. And then the undercover cop starts to pull his gun out. And then there's. Titi was hiding with it. She was pretending like she was a customer because she knew somebody was going to do that. She outsmarted them all. That's who I want running my team. Give me TT from set it off. She's a fucking genius.

[Bill Simmons]

TT Is her gm.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, she's my gm. And then for my assistant coach, I think Chris was right. You. You picked the wrong person. From Den of Thieves. Give me Donnie. Give me the mastermind. That's who I want. I need a guy just like the gm. I mean, the assistant should be the guy who leans over and is like, you should try this. And then the head coach tries it and it works out.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, it's like the guy who came up with, like, starting Draymond or whatever.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah, yeah, like the. Like the triangle.

[Bill Simmons]

Did you just tell me that Ray Merriman was a bad pick?

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Did I hear you say those words?

[Shay Serrano]

The great movie. That's a bad pick to run your team.

[Bill Simmons]

He's an assistant. He's just there for the defense fantasy. What do you got?

[Sean Fennessey]

Well, I need another player and it would not be a ringer related movie draft without Tom Cruise. So I'm going with Brian Flanagan from Cocktail.

[Bill Simmons]

Wow. It's a great pick.

[Shay Serrano]

He gets buckets.

[Sean Fennessey]

Obviously he's not guarded in that film. He's taking wide open free throws, barely making them. Barely looks like he's ever held a basketball before. They shot that sequence and yet he looks amazing. So I'm going flame.

[Chris Ryan]

$10 a shot, right? That's right.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, where are you putting them? Because you can't put them at forward because Tom Cruise is five foot eight.

[Sean Fennessey]

Is he?

[Bill Simmons]

Is he guard? See, he's your sixth man.

[Sean Fennessey]

He's my sixth man. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

All right. That's a good pick.

[Sean Fennessey]

Thanks. I learned by watching you, dad.

[Bill Simmons]

See, Cocktail's a good example. They didn't make a Cocktail two and thank God, because Cocktail one didn't need a sequel. And they would have fucked it up and it would have been like him owning the bar. And then we would have had the memory of Cocktails.

[Shay Serrano]

They would have called it Cocktails with an S on the end.

[Sean Fennessey]

Who should have played the hot young bartender, though, that he, you know, brings under his wing, that he groomed. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Cr. Done. Cr. You need an assistant and a gm.

[Chris Ryan]

All right, for my assistant, I'm going to go shooter from Hoosiers to his hopper. I kind of like the amount of substance abuse happening on my team.

[Bill Simmons]

Yes.

[Chris Ryan]

Either these guys are going to keep each other on the straight narrow or we're going to turn into train spotting.

[Bill Simmons]

How do you feel about the coaches meeting with Birdie from above the rim, rusty for motions 11 and drunk shooter game? Planning it out.

[Chris Ryan]

I would love to be a part of that dinner out.

[Sean Fennessey]

You know, Krista's culture, that's what she's building.

[Bill Simmons]

Definitely. All right, so I have two picks left and I need a coach. And I not taking Norman Dale because I've written about this, but if you watch Hoosiers, he's like secretly terrible. I don't know what he was doing. Almost doesn't design the last play of the game for Jimmy Chitwood, he abandons him. Jimmy Chitwood was 20 for 21 in the game. He's like, all right, we're going to do this instead. Not Doing him. Pete Bell I looked at for a while, but, you know, he had a point shaving scandal on his team. I can't have that in my locker room. So I got to go with my guy, Gabe Kaplan and Fast Break. You could see, when I do the podcast, you see the Fast Break poster behind. I love Gabe Kaplan. He was in Fast Break and welcome Back Kotter at the same time. Which has still never been approached in Hollywood history. Sean, can you think of a twofer like that? I can't.

[Chris Ryan]

It's like when Spielberg made Schindler's and Jurassic park the same year.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, you said it, I didn't.

[Sean Fennessey]

I was going to say Dune Part 2 a complete unknown, but you got me.

[Bill Simmons]

Gabe Kaplan gets the job. He's got to go to Las Vegas, and he just cheats and gets all these people who shouldn't be in college. He does all these crazy things and he's my coach. I still need a six man, though. And it's not going to be Ed Norton and American History X. Sorry to disappoint you guys. You know, man, there's some good ones left. Kyle Watson and Above the Rim. I'm going to go with. You know, Great Value. Late in the thing, it was a little me first for the first what Hour of the movie. Little. Little like Lamello on Charlotte. Just getting his stats as the team loses and then slowly figured it out and became a team guy.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Set up Shep Road. Shep in the final game.

[Sean Fennessey]

Like Schroeder's arc, right? Where we're like, oh, a little too ball first. Yeah, me. And now. He's a good teammate.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. So he's my six man. What do you got for your last pick, Chris?

[Chris Ryan]

It's just one last six man or bench guy here for me.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you know, you need a GM. Oh, and I took Neil McCauley off the board.

[Chris Ryan]

I will. This is the easiest one. I'll take Kelso from Heat, the guy who plans the whole robbery. The guy was just like, it's just out there. You just gotta go grab it.

[Bill Simmons]

So, yeah, that's easy because he invented the Internet.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay, Sean, last pick. You need an assistant coach.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, easy one. I'm taking Bodhi from Point Break.

[Chris Ryan]

Is there basketball in Bodie in Point Break?

[Sean Fennessey]

No, it's a heist movie, bro.

[Chris Ryan]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Shay Serrano]

You'Re super spun around tonight, Chris.

[Sean Fennessey]

Chris's first draft, everybody. Bodhi rules, you know. Does he live to tell the tale of his own success? Maybe not. But that's not really what we're thinking about when we've also got Danny Sharp from ambulance coaching our team, and Jack Cunningham, who obviously has a long history of substance abuse. So we're just. This is one last season for us. We're just trying to go out in a blaze of glory and I'm really excited about it.

[Bill Simmons]

It's not a long term project. Not trying to build anything here.

[Sean Fennessey]

Joe Cabot, we saw what happened to the last team he had. They all shot each other. So this could be complicated.

[Bill Simmons]

Shay, you have the last pick and it's an assistant coach. And then I'm going to read everyone on the teams and the crowd can decide.

[Shay Serrano]

All right, well, you know what? I'm a sucker for a magic trick. I want a guy around who could do magic. Give me Jesse Eisenberg's character, J. Daniel Atlas from Now youw See Me. High pressure situation. We're in the playoffs and he's like, hey, check this out. Ta da. Some sleight of hand magic in the finals.

[Bill Simmons]

What movie was that?

[Shay Serrano]

Now youw See Me. I don't like the face that you made when I said that. It's a good movie.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah. A lot to watch tonight, Bill. Now you see Me.

[Bill Simmons]

Ambulance, you know, now you See Me was a movie that came out in the theater.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

It made like $300 million.

[Shay Serrano]

It's a good movie.

[Sean Fennessey]

Is that not on the list for you? Now you see Me.

[Bill Simmons]

So people who didn't get taken junior from Coach Carter did not get taken. The guy from the air up there did not get taken. Salah Flatch from Hoosiers. Who? All he did was go through a trophy case, put a bandage on and keep going, trying to rebound. He didn't go. We mentioned American History X guy. Yeah. Louis Scott from Celtic Pride. Well, you forbidden jumped on that.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Forbid that buddy from Hoosiers who quit the team, came back and really, like, became a lockdown defender. Like shades of Dyson Daniels on the Hawks this year. Nobody took the, like, Mike guy.

[Shay Serrano]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

Calvin Cambridge.

[Chris Ryan]

Calvin.

[Bill Simmons]

Nobody took Andre 3000's character from Semi pro. Clarence Withers. Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

Chris took Jackie Moon.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought nobody took the kid from Finding Forester.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Jamal Wallace liked his game. How about Odin James from O? Was he on anyone's board?

[Chris Ryan]

No, but that's funny.

[Bill Simmons]

Makai Pfeiffer. Yeah.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah.

[Sean Fennessey]

Just as Billy Shakespeare imagined it. A high school basketball player.

[Bill Simmons]

This is a rough podcast for Eddie because there were no Eddie picks, including Stacy Patton, played by Malik Seeley.

[Chris Ryan]

Would you have included Kevin Garnett? From Uncut Gems as eligible.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, that could have been. That have been a good pick. Nobody took Quincy McCall. You took his wife.

[Shay Serrano]

Quincy was a bust.

[Bill Simmons]

Strap from Hooers and Chubby from Teen Wolf were the big bench guys that I think we're pretty shocked by. And then nobody took Gem. I guess nobody wanted Jim in the locker room. All right, go. So here are the teams, and you guys can decide who won. Chris ryan, Neon Budo, LeBron from Trainwreck, Shep from Above the Rim. Jimmy Chitwood, Billy Hoyle, Jim Carroll from the Basketball Diaries. Jackie Moon, and a coaching staff of Birdie, Rusty and Shooter, with Kelso as the GM and Krista from the Town as the owner. So that's Chris's team. Fantasy has boat crews at center, a little undersized. Jesus Shuttlesworth, Ricky Rowe, Uncle Drew, Sydney Dean. I miss. I wrote somebody down twice, of course.

[Sean Fennessey]

Brian Flanagan from Brian Flanagan and Sandy Lyle and Sandy Lyle from Along Came Polly. Not the strongest bench in the league, but weak bench.

[Bill Simmons]

People want to get your guys in foul trouble and see if Brian Flanagan or Sandy Lyle.

[Chris Ryan]

Very tips of you.

[Sean Fennessey]

We, yeah. We don't second April in Jesus Shuttle. We're contract. It's an issue.

[Bill Simmons]

Jack from the way back as your coach.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

Danny Sharp, Bodie is your assistance. Tom from Triple Frontier. So glad I got an ovation from the crowd. And then Joe Cabot is your owner. And then my team. Little undersized with number 45 from Team Wolf at center, but the guy's a fighter, man. I just believe in him. Moses Guthrie and Hustler. Two real NBA players. Players. Butch McCrae, a guard with Teen Wolf. That backcourt's amazing. I think fanduel just made me the favorite. Kyle Watson coming off the bench with Fletch with an Afro. Gabe Kaplan, Merriman and Michael Cheddo as my coaching staff. Neil McCauley as the GM and Danny Ocean as the owner. And then here's Shay. All right, so I didn't read the team. Bedazzled. Brendan Frazier, Stank Plissken, wood Harris, Mona McCall, Android Airbud, Spaceman. Coach Finstock, Donnie Eisenberg, TT from Set It Off. And Dalton Russell, baby.

[Chris Ryan]

Yeah, baby.

[Bill Simmons]

Is that our winner?

[Shay Serrano]

I think we know what I'm like. I'm like R.C. buford up here, baby.

[Bill Simmons]

This feels like a hometown verdict. We never had a chance. He already said he was he was going to fight all if he stole the spurs from San Antonio. Now you're. Now you're rooting for his team. All right. What was the most surprising pick for you, cr?

[Chris Ryan]

Like, probably the Android from Prometheus getting picked before I got to it.

[Bill Simmons]

That's going to wrap it up for us. Cr. What are you working on? You still podcasting?

[Chris Ryan]

Just cranking out different stuff. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Still doing the watch? Yeah. Oh, the watch. Yeah, the watch. Okay.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yeah, we're actually. I'm really excited to let you know, Bill. We've been working on an eight part narrative podcast series called Pod Slut the Rise of Chris Ryan. It's about all the pods he does over the course of one week. It's like a follow doc.

[Bill Simmons]

How many ringer pods have you been on? Like over 20. Because we have like 40. If you think you've been on half of them at this point.

[Chris Ryan]

But this is the part of the behind the Music where I'm like, I can do anything. But then Bill's like, we knew right then that Chris was overextended. Mountains of coke everywhere.

[Shay Serrano]

It's like, no, put me on more pods.

[Bill Simmons]

Sean Fennesee. Got the Oscars coming up.

[Sean Fennessey]

Yes, sir.

[Bill Simmons]

You excited? Scale of 1 to 10?

[Sean Fennessey]

No, it's. No, it's been going on for six months. I need it to end so I can go to the next thing, but it's okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Ringing endorsement for the pod there.

[Sean Fennessey]

Thank you for listening.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got to plug, Shay?

[Shay Serrano]

I'm still co hosting the big picture on the Ring. No, I'm doing. I'm doing the basketball podcast. Six Trophies with our beloved Jason Concepcion every Wednesday. Still going.

[Bill Simmons]

And there might be a book coming out at some point. Maybe.

[Shay Serrano]

I hope. I hope somebody will give me some money to write a book and I don't know.

[Chris Ryan]

What are you doing, Bill? She got cooking.

[Bill Simmons]

What am I doing? I'm just getting ready for the playoffs, baby. Yeah, we got the Celtics thing on HBO. Celtic City, March 3rd. So. No, don't boo. It's.

[Chris Ryan]

It's a great achievement.

[Bill Simmons]

It's an NBA doc as much as a Celtic stock. I really think you guys would like it. So we got that coming. We got some good music box stuff coming as well.

[Chris Ryan]

And SG Back on the Red Sox.

[Shay Serrano]

You excited?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. And usa, Canada, the most important sporting event of our lifetime tomorrow night. Thank you all for coming out. Thank you for the freezing cold weather and the pneumonia and we love seeing you guys. Thank you. All right, that's it for the podcast. Thanks to Chris and Sean and Shay. Thanks to Kyle and Sariti and Gahao, as always, don't forget, you can watch this on the Bill Simmons YouTube channel. You can also watch it on Spotify. Hopefully you're watching on Spotify right now and I will see you on Sunday with Priscilla. Must be 21 + in President select states for Kansas in affiliation with Kansas Star Casino or 18 + in President D.C. gambling problem call 100 Gambler or visit rg-help.com, call 1-887-897777 or visit ccpg.org chat in Connecticut or visit mdgamblinghelp.org in Maryland. Hope is here. Visit gamblinghelplinema. Org or call 800-327-550 for 24. 7 support in Massachusetts or call 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text hopeny in New York.