A Classic Josh-Vs.-Lamar Battle, the Week 1 Panic Meter, Guess the Lines and Parent Corner With Cousin Sal

Summary

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The Bill Simmons Podcast

Episode: A Classic Josh-Vs.-Lamar Battle, the Week 1 Panic Meter, Guess the Lines and Parent Corner With Cousin Sal
Date: September 8, 2025
Host: Bill Simmons
Guest: Cousin Sal

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Overview

The kickoff of NFL Season 2025 arrives with Simmons and Cousin Sal breaking down one of the most thrilling Bills-Ravens matchups in recent memory, peaking at the Josh Allen vs. Lamar Jackson rivalry. The episode delivers a detailed recap of Week 1, explores the “Panic Meter” for teams that stumbled out of the gate, provides betting insights with “Guess the Lines,” and concludes with hilarious Parent Corner stories. Throughout, the episode is filled with the classic banter, football nerdiness, gambling anguish, and pop culture callbacks that define The Bill Simmons Podcast.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bills vs. Ravens: A Quarterback Classic

• Setting: The episode is recorded minutes after the Bills’ comeback win over the Ravens.
• Initial Takes: Bill is “traumatized” by the result—he had Ravens -1.5 both in the Ringer pool and real life, certain they’d close it out after dominating most of the game. Sal immediately calls it a "worse loss for the Ravens" (04:19), pointing to their squandered focus and failed execution.
• The Game Flow: The Ravens seemed poised to seal the win until a pivotal Henry fumble flipped the script. Both hosts bemoan the pain of gambling on such elite, volatile matchups.
• Quarterback Duel:
  • Bill: “This Lamar versus Josh… this is the best possible football game we can have in 2025… There are no two players I’d rather see play each other" (05:07).
  • Sal: “You don’t want to give either of these quarterbacks the ball last” (06:56).
• Key Moments:
  • The Ravens played “scared and conservatively” down the stretch.
  • Bill highlights Allen's MVP-worthy throws: “I find it hard to believe there’s a better quarterback than Josh right now” (07:47).
  • Lamar’s signature run: “If you rewind it, you can hear Collinsworth... [gasp]” (09:52).
• Aftermath: Both agree this loss sows seeds of playoff doubt for Baltimore but boosts Buffalo’s confidence and narrative.

2. Big Picture and Futures

• AFC Landscape: Are the Bills and Ravens the clear favorites for the title game? Both are bullish (11:32), but Sal notes Kansas City now a step behind.
• MVP Odds Watch: “It was Lamar 3-1, Allen +500—now Allen’s +380, Lamar +550… Henry went from 65-1 to 125-1 after that fumble” (11:49).
• Fantasy & Gambling Lamentations: Bill vents about fantasy heartbreak and bad live betting beats, to which Sal responds: “I don’t think the guru watches the games… their Guru is definitely AI” (13:09).

3. Week 1 Panic Meter (Timestamps 18:59+)

Bill and Sal debate which teams fans should panic about after one game, rating them 0–10:

• Miami Dolphins: Both had preseason doubts, confirmed by a dominant Colts win. Sal: “That’s never happened, or that hasn’t happened in like 70 years. Colts had seven drives and scored on every one” (19:09). Both put Miami’s panic at 8–9.5.
• Chiefs’ AFC West Dominance: Bill sees “Panic at 5, could jump to 7 if they lose to Philly” (23:38). Chiefs now rare home underdogs vs. Eagles (“Has this ever happened before with Mahomes?” – 60:24).
• Chargers: Simmons: “Herbert was incredible… best game I’ve seen him play” (25:01). Both are intrigued rather than alarmed.
• Ravens: Panic only a 2 for Bill after a classic meltdown.
• Bryce Young & Carolina: “Brice Young, two picks, a fumble... He was bad today” (29:24).
• Detroit Offense (w/o Ben Johnson): Bill gives a panic of 6, Sal less worried.
• Bo Nix (Broncos): Both around 5–7 saying the hype looked misplaced.
• Houston Texans: "Offensive line was alarming... Panthers look bad" (36:08), calling it a 6–7 panic.

4. Nobody Believes in Us Team + Early Over/Unders

• After Week 1, who wears the underdog crown? Nominees: Las Vegas, Indy, maybe Jacksonville.
• Both note “no obviously terrible teams this year,” making 3-win predictions tough (54:22).

5. Gambling and “Guess the Lines” Games (56:12+)

• Bill and Sal blitz through the Week 2 NFL matchups, guessing betting lines with playful trash talk and insider knowledge.
• New zone name for close point spreads: “The Sheen Zone” (after Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men—58:07).
• Notable odds movements—Packers as clear favorites, shock at Eagles favored in KC, and MVP futures for Baker Mayfield, Jordan Love, Allen, and Lamar.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Bills-Ravens Collapse:
  • “I just want to spoon with these two quarterbacks at halftime. Is that against the rules?” — Cousin Sal (09:11)
  • “Nobody loses dumber games in the fourth quarter than the Ravens.” — Bill Simmons (08:37)
• On Gambling Agony:
  • “They rope-a-doped us... I called House halfway through the fourth quarter ... I did not see a scenario where the Ravens didn’t close it out.” — Bill (05:07)
  • “It's like going to a Michelin star restaurant and loading up on gummies ahead of time—no, let's just enjoy the meal!” — Sal (04:59)
• Sal’s MVP Week 1 Bet:
  • “Almost 7 to 1. Steelers to lose the first half and win the game... It’s like one of the great bets and it hits five times every year." (46:23)
• On NFL Chaos:
  • “Kick returns… changing field position… For years we had touchbacks, now we’re in the 30 to 45 with regularity” — Bill (40:05)
  • “I think this is why guys our age dress like idiots: we have to wear clothes kids won’t steal.” — Sal, on Parent Corner clothes theft (81:32)

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Parent Corner (75:29+)

• Cousin Sal: Shares how Jessica Alba mistook him for his wife’s father in an airport (“She thought I was 75 years old… thanks for nothing, Jessica Alba!” — 77:46), prompting months of “Grandpa” jokes from his kids.
• Bill Simmons: Rants about his kids stealing/wearing all his and his wife’s clothes. “50-60% of the fights are over missing shirts… If they keep it long enough, it becomes theirs. It’s like squatting!” (79:45)
  • “This is why guys our age dress like idiots… so our kids won’t steal our clothes.” — Sal (81:32)

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Other Highlights

• Pop Culture Shoutouts: Alongside NFL, plugs for new Ringer podcasts, Rewatchables (“Legend of Billie Jean”), and HBO’s “Task.”
• Inside Jokes: Frequent references to their gambling group, “Ringer 107,” the agony of betting the Falcons, and the ever-present “nobody believes in us” NFL trope.
• Fantasy Football Gripes: Bill’s brutal beats, low win probabilities, and “AI” sites that never update.
• Behind-the-Scenes Draft Skit: Closing section features a detailed recap of their fantasy league’s “vote out” draft, with ribs, Uber foibles, and nerds (literally) involved (83:01+).

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Bills-Ravens Recap & QB Duel: 02:33 – 15:43
• MVP Futures & Week 1 Impressions: 11:47 – 14:15
• Week 1 Panic Rankings: 18:59 – 38:09
• Guess the Lines Segment: 56:12 – 75:29
• Parent Corner: 75:29 – 82:32
• Ringer League/Draft Story: 83:01 – 86:36

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Final Thoughts

This episode captures the essence of early-season NFL chaos—the upsets, the heartbreaks, and the overreactions—from two of the best in the podcasting and football-comedy world. Bill and Sal's willingness to immediately confront their loses, panic about their teams, and riff on pop culture creates an engaging and essential listen for any football or sports betting fan.

Transcript

[Bill Simmons]

This episode is brought to you by Disney, Hulu and espn. Now you can get all of espn, the new ESPN app, along with Disney and Hulu with a limited time offer. The biggest sports movies and shows in one bundle, all for just $29.99 a month for 12 months. Visit Disney Hulu ESPN bundle.com for details. Ad supported Plan Auto renews at regular price. Currently $35.99 a month. Subject to change unless canceled. Ends January 5, 2026. Terms apply. The Bill Simmons Podcast brought to you by FanDuel Sportsbook we're also brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network. We're having new rewatchables coming for you. On Monday night we did Legend of Billie Jean. 40th anniversary of an absolute cable classic. It was on all the time in the mid-80s. Chris Ryan and I broke it down. It's a one for us. Cause it's the first week of football season. We figured we could sneak it in. Also on the Prestige TV podcast, there's a great new show on HBO called Task and Me and Mal, I'm sorry, me and Joanna Robinson and Rob Mahoney. Mallory's not on it, but the other two are. And we're breaking down Task on Sunday nights right after the episode goes up on hbo. You can listen to our recap episode about it. So the first one's up every Sunday night. We'll be doing that. And it's an awesome show. I highly, highly, highly recommend it. I recommend all of our Ringer podcasts. Obviously, football season, this is our time, Basketball's coming, pop culture is in full swing and we're excited to serve all kinds of content. I would highly encourage you to check out our two One's a relatively new college football podcast. The other is brand new, the Ringer Tailgate with Van and Joel and Tate. And then Todd McShay's podcast, just a Staple has already turned into an awesome podcast for us. So they're going live on YouTube on Saturday on Stagger Times. Tailgate is first and then McShay is after that. And then last but not least, the Ringer Sunday pregame. We launched that today too on our YouTube channel. So subscribe to Ringer Gambling on YouTube and all of our stuff is on YouTube and on Spotify video as well. Coming up, week one, cousin Sal, we're back baby. Let's take a break. Let's bring in Pearl Jam. And then the Cuz. It's the Bill Simmons podcast presented by FanDuel. And the NFL is back and they and thank God FanDuel has everything. They got an awesome app. They have SGPs, they have great futures. They have good prop bets, live betting your way Bets Clean app. It's great to use. Been using it for a few years. Every time I go back to Boston or any place that has FanDuel and I get to use it, I'm always excited. I'm on an airplane Runway. You done the airplane Runway?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Everybody, airplane Runway. There should be a button. The Runway. I'm on the airplane Runway. I gotta get this in. Get your bets in. Build something bold. Make every game feel bigger. Download the FanDuel app or head to FanDuel.com BS to get started. The Ringer committed to responsible gaming. Please visit rg-help.com to learn more about the resources and helplines available and listen to the end of this episode for additional details. You must be 21 plus in President select states or 18 plus in President DC, Kentucky or Wyoming. GAM problem. Call 1-800- Gamble or visit rg-help.com call 1-887-89777 or visit ccpg.org chatinconnecticut paid end all right, we are recording right after Bill's Ravens. It is 8:42 Pacific Time. I'm. I'm just traumatized by that game Cousin Sal. I had. I had ravens minus one and a half. I had in the ringer 107 had it in real life. I marked it up to win. Bills fans leaving the stadium. Ravens I think had at least 1020 plus yard plays and yet again they proved why they are the hardened rockets. It all looks great. Lots of stats, lots of points and yet you can't trust them in moments like this. I'm sure it'll be fine. We'll Forget this game 15 weeks from now. But better win for the Bills or worse loss for the for the Ravens.

[Cousin Sal]

I think it's a worst loss for the Ravens. I feel like for the first two and a half hours they maybe I'm wrong. They seem focused on. All right, we're not fucking around. We're going to get the one seed and we know what to do with it this year, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

And we're light years ahead. That's a more depressing thing. I watched these two teams. I'm like holy shit. These teams are so much better than the team I root for. But it's true. No, but honestly, why are we betting these guys? I might not bet the Sunday night game anyway just because I'm on with you afterwards. And this is should Be a pleasant thing. But to bet Baltimore, Buffalo, I think it's like, why are we doing this to ourselves? We just. It's going to be a classic. It's going to be one tiptoe in bounds or not.

[Bill Simmons]

We're just.

[Cousin Sal]

It's like going to a Michelin star restaurant and like, and like doing loading up on gummies ahead of time. Like, no, let's enjoy the great meals.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, but they rope adopt us on this one because this game was done. The Ravens were scoring every time they had the ball. The fans were leaving for a reason. I was. I called House halfway through the fourth quarter to talk about our Ringer 107. I'm like, well, two and two. I'm really mad at the Falcons. We should be three and one. Like, I just didn't see a scenario where if the Ravens had the ball of the lead, they weren't going to be able to put the way the game. The Bills have that weird awkward drive midway through the fourth quarter. Near the end of it, Ravens get it back. Fumble. Now all of a sudden it's like, oh, what happened? And then the Ravens had just an awful three and out right in the last. In the last two and a half minutes of the game where it's like, just use Lamar, use Derek Henry. Just use your assets. They haven't stopped it all day. And I thought they played scared and conservatively, but I just. This Lamar versus Josh, I was thinking about it during the game. This is the best possible football game we can have in 2022, 2025 with these two guys. This is. There is no better matchup. There are no two players I'd rather see play each other. And it's weird to shove Mahomes to the side when he's won three Super Bowls and he's allegedly the face of the league. But I just think this is the marquee matchup from an entertainment standpoint. Am I correct? You're not.

[Cousin Sal]

The Chiefs are not the team that scores 40. Not that, you know, some people don't like the 40, 40 games, but I loved it. I enjoyed it. We saw the two best players going at it at the highest level. But Mahomes and the Chiefs aren't there anymore. I don't think they have been in like four years where they could score in the 40s consistently, but it was such a great one. And I just feel like we're idiots for having so much riding on it. Like there should be something. No, but something.

[Bill Simmons]

All right.

[Cousin Sal]

If we're going to bet it and.

[Bill Simmons]

We have all these Canelo Crawford next week, like you have to Bennett. It's the two best quarterback.

[Cousin Sal]

But can we hook up some device that buzzes our neck hard? If we can, if we can cash in at 15 to 1 on live odds on the fricking Bills like the other way. Yeah, we should have to be able to do that. But a great game. It's unfortunate with Henry because he dominated and then he f. That's the big fumble and that's what everyone's going to talk about. But yeah, you don't want to give any either of these quarterbacks the ball last. That punt, did you have a problem with that punt on 4th and 3? Like, I thought it was weird.

[Bill Simmons]

I, I mean, what are they going to do? They're going to go for that. Then you don't get it and you're basically handing them the game.

[Cousin Sal]

But maybe you get it back is the thing. Like you've seen them score. There's 80 points. Like it's, it's rained the last three weeks. Bring a freaking umbrella. Like you know they're gonna, you're gonna score again if you, if you, if you don't wind that clock out. I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I guess I. So the Bills defense, I just thought got crushed all night. It was embarrassing. Like they were just giving up big plays all over the place. And it almost seemed like the Ravens couldn't decide which big play to go for. I thought Allen was spectacular. I thought the Ravens defense was better than the Bills defense in this game. And Allen just made a couple awesome throws and they, when they had the all 22 behind him camera for some of the throws. This is why a month ago, and I was like, I, I know he doesn't have the resume yet, but I just, I find it hard to believe there's a better quarterback than, than Josh right now. And he kind of needed this one, I think, you know, because if the Ravens come back and they flip what happened last year in the playoff game, the Bills defense has all these questions and it's like, ah, same old, same old with the Bills. They're going to go 12 and 5 or 13 and 4 in a crappy division, and I'm still not going to trust their infrastructure and their coaching and all these other things. But now they can say, no, no, it's different this year. Remember when we came back and then if you're the Ravens, it's like we did this last year and then we won like 10, 11 in a row. Like nobody loses dumber games in the fourth quarter than the Ravens. And I guess I got to take some accountability because on our Ringer 107 chat I was doing all the records and I had house and I had two and two and all of a sudden the Bill scored again and it was a one score game and people like you did, you jinxed. I'm like, nah, you're fine. Stop the Ravens all game. I'll take some accountability. It was a rookie mistake for me in my mid-50s.

[Cousin Sal]

I think all. I think. I think actually Collinsworth was blaming you after the game. Bill, just shut your mouth and watch this. Dude, come on. Who needs to hear from you right now? I just want to. I just want to spoon with these two quarterbacks at halftime. Is that against the rules?

[Bill Simmons]

I was thinking the Collinsworth tackle skill.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Lamar's at 10 and Josh is like a nine and a half and I think my home is probably a 9 because Lamar had that, that crazy scramble when he almost got. I feel like he does this once a game on national tv. The. I almost get sacked twice. I do the whirly barreled. All of a sudden I'm running and. And he. I think they said in next gen stats he traveled 76 yards. But as he was doing it, if you rewind it, you can hear Collinsworth.

[Cousin Sal]

Like.

[Bill Simmons]

He'S just like Henry.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh my God.

[Bill Simmons]

But those both of those guys, they were just. Especially when you're watching all the games all day and they're just so clearly above all these other guys we watched all day.

[Cousin Sal]

You know, definitely, definitely some of Those quarterbacks at 1pm on the east coast. Yeah, but. And so many times you thought the Bills were done right between the two guys just running faster than anybody. Lamar and Henry. And then DeAndre is making these one handed catches. It's like well that's unfair. That's going to. He's 32, 33. He's going to bring that in like that's. Who the hell's even going to come close to stopping this team? But that's. They have some grit man, the Bills. To be able to come back from that when everybody in the world thought they were done.

[Bill Simmons]

To be able to come back from their fans walking out. They ended up with almost 500 yards of offense, 497 and 389 passing. Meanwhile the Baltimore had 194 passing, 238 rushing and I swear they had 10, 20 plus plays. The. The Buffalo 29 first downs. Do you see if you had to bet right now, I could give you an over, under of one. And you could bet the push of these two teams in the AFC title game, would you go zero, one or two?

[Cousin Sal]

What the hell am I answering here? Zero. How many of the teams?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, yeah, I see Ravens, Bills. Sorry to be making confusing.

[Cousin Sal]

I give you zero.

[Bill Simmons]

One or two.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I'll go two.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean, both are in.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. I mean.

[Bill Simmons]

All right.

[Cousin Sal]

I. I think the Chiefs now fall back a little bit and I'm gonna say one.

[Bill Simmons]

I think one of them makes it. One of them doesn't.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, but then who jumps in? Oh, so then the Chiefs would have to upset. It really would be an upset at this point. I think if these guys are playing like this. Broncos. Chargers.

[Bill Simmons]

Maybe the Chargers. After what we saw in Brazil, I don't know.

[Cousin Sal]

Broncos. God. You know what's interesting? I. I looked at the MVP. 20 minutes ago. It was Lamar three to one. Allen plus 500. Now it's Allen plus 380. Lamar plus 550.

[Bill Simmons]

And hen fandom.

[Cousin Sal]

This is on FanDuel. And Henry 125 to one. He was 65 to one 20 minutes ago.

[Bill Simmons]

Just that fumble killed him.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, that was it.

[Bill Simmons]

Was Daniel Jones on there or no?

[Cousin Sal]

No, but can he win? Comeback player? I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

Baker 33 to 1. Jordan Love down to 12 to 1. Remember we were talking about that when that was. I love talking about 25 to 1. I had another unbelievable one. So in fantasy, in the league that we care about, the knockout league that we have a lot of drama that we got to talk about a little bit later, I had James Cook going against the Bills defense and I'm down like 20 plus points to our friend the MOOC. And the fantasy site we use has me as a 1% chance of winning for two hours. Meanwhile, James Cook has a touchdown. He has 18 points. The Bills defense has nothing. And I'm six back with that last TD drive and they still have me at 1%. I'm like, update the site, you motherfuckers. And then Cook gets stuffed at like the half inch line. And that's been the story of me in fantasy football for 18 years. Not to mention gambling losing this game.

[Cousin Sal]

So sorry. I don't think the guru watches the games. It's like, hey, the defense is playing with seven players. Cook should not be at 1% on.

[Bill Simmons]

Their Gura is definitely AI. So the other thing we had were the unders today were 11 and one before this game. And the two games that went over went spectacularly over this game. And the bizarre Jets Dealers game and then everything else went under. And I have no explanation for that.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, but we always know this. This is where you and I need to be smarter. It's like the offensive lines are the latest to gel. Right. Why aren't we betting unders? Like just. All right, if we lose whatever, then we can move on to a different narrative. But yeah, I was so mad. I did tell you that. Steelers, Jets, I didn't think they'd be. I think Rogers would throw for four touchdowns, but I thought that was a four box game. Ended up being a great one.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you did call that one. I got to hand it to you. So the Bills, that was their first win by 15 plus in the fourth quarter in the regular season since 1967. Before either of us were alive. Right. Memorable game. I picked the Bills to win the. To win the super bowl, to beat the Green Bay Packers. What, did you have them in the super bowl or.

[Cousin Sal]

No, I have them beating the Buccaneers. So I'll stick with it. I'll stick with it.

[Bill Simmons]

Weirdly, it was a loss for us with the Ravens today, but a win for us long term. And I think the Bills, I'd be shocked if they didn't sign Jabril Peppers, who the Patriots inexplicably waived last week and then probably needed today. But I just think they're going to keep throwing bodies at that. At that safety issue and try to figure it out.

[Cousin Sal]

Listen, we've been. We're excited, and rightfully so about this game, but the Ravens beat them in the regular season. Right. And then the Bills beat them in the playoffs. So can only put too much weight on September 7th.

[Bill Simmons]

Usually when a. When a fan shoves the. The player another team and then the star player on that team shoves the fan back and we have like a stands altercation, the karma of that usually sinks the fan base, right? It was the opposite. Seemed like it ignited the Bills.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Lamar shoved one of our guys. We some drunk idiot probably. I don't know if he was drunk or just crazy. Leaning over. Way to get involved.

[Cousin Sal]

He's going to catch. He's going to get like 14 signed balls now because of it.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. You think he's. He'll be victimized somehow?

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Who did. Where. Where'd you have in the Phillies lady? What'd you have in that whole thing? That was harsh for her.

[Cousin Sal]

You like that too? Harsh?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

You know, I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

I go, we have like three aunts who would do that.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I know, I know. But it's like we're gonna find out where she lives. We're gonna, she's never gonna work another day again. It's like, all right, she, she was in the moment. She got caught up and thought the ball was hurt, so probably shouldn't have left their seat. But you know, people do dumb things. Phillies fan too? Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Phillies fan. Any other Ravens, Bills takes?

[Cousin Sal]

Not really. I just, I mean, again, you seem distraught.

[Bill Simmons]

I lost a lot of money, Sal.

[Cousin Sal]

You lose money. I was on the 107. We had the Ravens as well. And, and, and that third part of it where I what I said earlier that my team is never going to be even close to that. Good. Yeah. By the way, we'll talk about it.

[Bill Simmons]

The AFC east, that was their only win today. The Bill Simmons Podcast is brought to you by FanDuel football fans. Week one not over yet FanDuel still the best place to keep celebrating because they're giving all customers a no sweat NFL bet on tonight's game for the money line to player props. Same game parlays, whatever you want. Your no sweat bet could be used on any NFL wager type and if it doesn't win, you'll get bonus bets back. So we got Bears hosting the Vikings a Monday night game. I think the Bears are going to win. I would, I would probably if I was doing that same game parlay. I'll probably do something with a Caleb td, maybe Roma Dunesay. Why not Bears to win? I don't know put together, but I think the Bears are going to win on Monday night. Visit fandom.combs to kick off your NFL season with a no sweat bet every game day during week one. Make FanDuel your go to app for all of this stuff. By the way, play your game with FanDuel. An official sports betting partner of the NFL must be 21 + president in select states or 18 + president in DC, Kentucky or Wyoming. Opt in required refund issues as non withdrawable bonus bets that expire seven days after receipt. Max refund unless otherwise specified. $5 restrictions apply including token expiration seat [e-mail] Get in problem call 1-800- gambler visit rg-help.com call 1-887-97777 or visit ccpg.org chat in Connecticut. This episode is brought to you by LinkedIn. As a small business owner, you don't have the luxury of clocking out early. Your business is on your mind 24 7. So when you're hiring, you need a partner that works just as hard as you do, that hiring partner is LinkedIn jobs when you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in. LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions and then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights. Nice. At the end of the day, the most important thing to your small business is the quality of candidates. And with LinkedIn you can feel confident you're getting the best. You can even add a hashtag hiring frame to your profile picture and get two times more qualified candidates. Post your job for [e-mail] Simmons terms and conditions apply. Week 1 panic rankings I'm just going to throw some things out at you. You tell me what the number is from a 0 to 10. We got to start with the Dolphins. They got absolutely demolished. I think the halftime, the yardage was like Indy had 270 or something like that and Miami had like 44 2. It looked atrocious. Daniel Jones, his career was rejuvenated to the point that there's now comeback player of the year action on him. Indy statistically had the best offense I think of week one heading into this game and then the Bills Ravens demolish them. But you and I, neither of us like Miami heading into the season and I think the over under landed at seven and a half. I bet it multiple times. I have them all under five and a half. I just thought they were going to suck and guess what? They sucked. I don't know if it's going to last, but they sucked today.

[Cousin Sal]

I think you nailed it. I would be careful because they have your team next week so maybe don't say too much, but seven and a half. The panic meter. We're we're picking a number or go Miami.

[Bill Simmons]

What would you do for Miami?

[Cousin Sal]

I think seven half's a good number for that too. But yeah, I would say eight because their defense is way worse than I thought too. I mean TUA could throw the picks and we could point and laugh at that stuff. That's going to happen, I guess. But the Colts, this is a weird stat. The Colts had seven drives the whole game and scored on every one of them. And that's never happened or that hasn't happened like 70 years. Like how do you have seven drives? You have three drives. One half, one and a half. You had three drives.

[Bill Simmons]

Like they had a couple long ones they had. There was interceptions where they got the ball in Miami territory and then, I don't know, a lot of clock killing.

[Cousin Sal]

3921 time of possession. So I mean that's pretty dominant but good job. I mean that guy. If they don't fire him. What is. Is it Halloween? Do we have a name for that? Like can you get to Halloween?

[Bill Simmons]

I was going to. I was going to ask you this. We lost the Clapper. Sadly we didn't really lose him because he's on NBC and we have to watch him on television. We had to watch him fill during a rain delay. We lost Coach middle seat. We need a new kind of coach. Whipping boy with a nickname and obviously it should be Mike McDaniel. Possible nicknames for him. Mike McWierdo. Coach one day closer to death because that was a quote from his Mike McDon't. I don't know what do we want to call him or maybe we let the listeners come up with it or people in the YouTube chat. What we. We gotta. It's gotta be on the par of the Clapper and Coach middle seed and I don't know. I do. I don't mind. Coach One Day Closer to Death.

[Cousin Sal]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I'd like to hit the nerd angle a little if someone's thinking about it. I can't. What's the coach McDungeons and Dragons. I don't know. He's. I don't know what he's. I don't know what his thing would be but he's more annoying. You know if you're a tough.

[Bill Simmons]

Coach McDungeons.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, that's good. Coach McDungeons.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know the Clapper. That shout out to Lombardi. I don't know if we're ever stopped popping the clacker. I do. I don't mind Coach One Day Closer to Death because he's also. Oh, that's right.

[Cousin Sal]

Now I know what you're saying.

[Bill Simmons]

He's closer to first Coach Fire. Yeah he had that quote when he was kind of shaking off a bad practice and said we're all one that goes to death. Coach McDeath. That might be it. Uh, the other achievement they did. So I had them in the multi view. Knocked them out like halfway through the second quarter. I don't ever remember a week one. You need to go here. Here's the door. Here are the keys to your car. The valley's pulling car up. Please leave. Just knocked out. Never to be seen again on the. Because we had eight games in the early games. Had to get them out next week.

[Cousin Sal]

We have night one day Fanduel's going to have odds on like how long it takes for you to knock a certain game out of your four box. Oh, yeah, it would be great. Like, oh, I thought it was going.

[Bill Simmons]

To be Pittsburgh Jets. I thought would have been over under 50 minutes. Just like a slug fest six to three, fourth quarter and they. It actually was entertaining. As you said, week one panic ranking. So I'm going to go. I'm going higher than you. I'm going nine and a half from Miami because defensive backs terrible offensive line didn't look good.

[Cousin Sal]

Tua.

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know, I. And then the coaching thing and just the general malaise. But they do. They are getting the Pats who seem like a mess against the Raiders.

[Cousin Sal]

My son looked at a shot of Tyreek Hill, like just convulsing on the sideline. He's like, oh, he's crashing out. That's a big thing with the kids. Crashing out. I was like, what's that bat? Is that. Yeah, I have the medical thing. Should he really be. It's like, no, no, he'll be all right. He's just crashing out. Like, oh, he's having like a little tantrum. That's good. So he'll demand the trade in three weeks.

[Bill Simmons]

So old. Crashing out.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, crashing out. Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Week one panic crackings. Kansas City's AFC west dominance. So they're in last place for the first time since like 1998. It's interesting. Vegas look good. We're going to talk about that game later. Vegas's offense looked good and I was pretty impressed by them in general. The Bowers did get hurt. The Chargers were awesome on Friday in Brazil.

[Cousin Sal]

Excellent.

[Bill Simmons]

And then. And then Denver turned the ball over four times at home and somehow still won by eight. Casey's AFC west run. Do you still think they win the division? And is it. Is that a panic yet?

[Cousin Sal]

I'm going to stay with it. I'm going to say a 5 panic, but that could jump to a 7 if they lose to the Eagles. I know it's not a division game, but, yeah, they could be in a little bit of trouble. I mean, Worthy's a. It's a giant loss. They're not moving the ball. Like I said, you're not going to count on Kelsey for, you know, three touchdowns every two weeks or anything.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, Kelsey with the friendly fire just annihilating Worthy wasn't a great way to start the game. Also wasn't great in our Guillotine League for our publicist, Louis K. Yeah. Who I think's getting bounced, who got one play out of Xavier Worthy and that was it. For him.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, that's bad news. I'm in another league with someone at Worthy and A.J. brown. So it was like a zeros across a one across the board. Yeah. Chiefs are plus 170. What were they? The. That was like a pick them, right?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, they. They were like minus 110. So they're plus 170 on FanDuel. Chargers are plus 190. Broncos are plus 260. So they were around 300 to 330 all year and now that's plus 260. And then the Raiders are nine to one. That Chiefs plus 170. That has to be the highest it's been since they've had moms. There can't be any other situation where they haven't been minus 110 or higher.

[Cousin Sal]

Than that year they went on the road. They still won the division, right? Yeah, they always win the division. Yeah. Yeah. Plus 170 is giant.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I'll tell you. Oh, would you want to talk about that game now really quick?

[Cousin Sal]

Sure.

[Bill Simmons]

That Friday, Brazil first. I'm never betting on the Brazil game again. So good luck to the rest of the Brazil games. I just think we're two in a row of just that. Like just put that game over there. It's just basically on crack. Herbert was incredible. That was the best game I've ever seen him play. And I know I've been. I've been in the camp of. All right, can he at least earn it before we call him a top 7 QB? And the nerds love him. And it's been this whole thing and the nerds have always been about the potential of him and the efficiency versus the actual results and stuff like getting his ass kicked in the playoffs last year. He fucking crushed the Chiefs in that game. That was one thing. The Chiefs defense I thought looked really wobbly and then same stuff with. With Chiefs offense where the explosive plays seem just really hard for them now. Worthy went out early, but I don't. They remind me of the pats after the 07 bit. Kind of between the two eras before they got it going again. When they're in that kind of weird trying to figure out who they were and the infrastructure was there and they still had the qb, but it was obviously a transition from one era to another and I. I just wonder what the ceiling for them is. I didn't think they were impressive at all.

[Cousin Sal]

No, they weren't. But. So the ceiling is are they 11 and oh and one score games, you know, going forward? Because that's what they were Last year. Right. Oh, and one. But we, like, what do we. You know, what do we expect? Like, is this going to be a team that hangs on and makes you pay in the end? I mean, it didn't look like they looked like they were dominated. Like you said, like, Herbert, like we've seen. Well, how many quarterbacks have we seen in our life? Like 73,000. I don't know. But when he's hopping around in the pocket.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

And he has time, I get like, Dan Marino vibes. I'm like, he's going to complete this pass. I don't know where it's going. And now I feel like he's comfortable. Like, he had eight different pass catchers on Friday, whatever day it was. And Quentin Johnston looks like a serious player now, so it's kind of like a different offense.

[Bill Simmons]

He was killing them on third and longs, which are usually where the Chiefs would dial up some Spagnolo something. It wasn't working in that game. And. And the other thing, we talked about this when we did the preseason thing about Slater going out and how they were equipped to replace that better than in the league because they could move Joe Ald over, which still made them weaker. But they did have Joe Walt, who was like the 6 pick in the draft two years ago. And by all accounts, I mean, he was awesome in the game, but then the advanced metrics of, like, he was over 44, and when you tried to pressure him, like, he just completely dominated whoever he was going against.

[Cousin Sal]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

There's a little nobody believes in us too that I considered. I shorted them. I went against them for the playoffs, but everybody had either Denver or KC in that division. Everybody had them going backwards. The Slater injury. But I thought they had a little oomph to them in that game.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, first of all, I think we overvalue or overrate or don't know how to analyze offensive line injuries. Like that Vera Tucker guy goes out for the jets and he's obviously their best lineman and they're still scoring.

[Bill Simmons]

Somehow it didn't matter for the right tackle in the Falcons. They're still moving the ball. Right.

[Cousin Sal]

Like, so just maybe ignore it. I know it could be a disaster of two or three of these guys go out, but I don't know if it's nobody believes in us, but it might just be nobody roots for us like, nobody roots for us like. Like they do in Brazil. Yeah. So now it's because I feel like people love the Chargers. They want the Chargers to win. They want the Bengals to Win. These are teams that disappoint over and over and over for one reason or another.

[Bill Simmons]

What do you got for the Ravens on the panic scale? I mean, they've been here. They've literally been here before.

[Cousin Sal]

Now. That's a good team. That. That's a. That's a great team. I don't. I mean, what are they going to. They're not going to win the division. You don't think. You saw Cincinnati you thought was better than that? Pittsburgh. Fine.

[Bill Simmons]

With about eight minutes left in that game, the lead of this podcast would have been, holy shit. Baltimore's head and shoulders above every team in the league. And this is what they did multiple times last year, where they would play these. That's why the Harden Rockets analogy is so perfect for them. Hit a million threes, and then the game gets tight and all of a sudden those threes, it gets a little tighter. I'm not worried about them. I. I'm a two. I'm a two. It's a dumb loss and nobody will remember. It happened eight weeks from now.

[Cousin Sal]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

It's way more important for Buffalo. The Bryce Young bandwagon. He was bad. Yeah, he was bad. And that was a weird game because there was like a very strange, barely.

[Cousin Sal]

Any lightning delay just now.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, it was. It was like three to three for a while. Then it was 10. Three, there was a lightning delay. Travis Etn ran for 71 yards, took him down inside like the 20. All of a sudden it was 17 to three. And Bryce Young, two picks, a fumble. He had a pick six that got saved by a Jacksonville penalty called back.

[Cousin Sal]

On the other side of the field. And then he follows it up with a touchdown. So his stats would have looked a lot worse than that. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then the other one he had, which really should be. There should be a way to keep track of this. Fourth and goal, throws it out of the end zone. That should almost be a turnover if you're not. Instead of throwing it out of the end zone, just lob it into a group of people and hope it gets batted around or something like, you know, it's not going to work, throwing it in the end zone. So I just thought he was awful, and I didn't really understand the Bryce Young. I mean, it was nice that he wasn't a bust last year because he played better, but it wasn't like, oh, here comes Bryce Young. Like, he was okay second half last year compared to what we thought he was going to be, but he was bad today.

[Cousin Sal]

I think he, like, took him to Overtime like three times or something. It's. It's a little overblown how great he was towards the end of the year. But it's a bad sign that they got Andy Dalton a driver the team that. Which means they're looking to put him in anytime soon.

[Bill Simmons]

They got him a waymo.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. 24 hour like secret service protection for the quarterback. But just when it comes to driving.

[Bill Simmons]

The Bracion bandwagon, I'm going to put out a solid seven.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, that's good. Okay, I'll go seven. Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

How about the Detroit Lions offense without Ben Johnson? What do you got for that?

[Cousin Sal]

Nah, I'm going four here. I don't know why. I mean, isn't that to be expected that they're out of sorts a little in the offense without a great coordinator and they'll. The athletes are good enough that they'll eventually catch up. You forget like these guys. The dumb thing is a lot of these guys didn't play in preseason. Right? Yeah. So if you lose a coordinator and you don't play in preseason, that first game is going to suck. I mean, you had the packers, right?

[Bill Simmons]

I did. I thought the Lions offensive line was pretty sketchy in that game and that game was not as close as the final score. The game felt like it was over for an hour and a half and at one point it was like 23 to 3, 26, 3, something like that. I'm more worried about the Detroit offense than you. I think that. I think that Ben Johnson that just. They were kind of just had an overqualified coaching staff and now they have a normal coaching staff on top of not having as good on an offensive line, which was one of the reasons to go under with them. So I'm probably like a six with that.

[Cousin Sal]

I think Gibbs had 10 receptions for 31 yards or something like that. We've saw like five stats that never existed before and that's. That's one. That's.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh man, they were trying so hard to get him going.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Next one for the pain and grandkings. Bo Nicks fantasy owners. Yeah, he was, he wasn't a top five fantasy qb, but he was like kind of right there like, oh, if I can get Bo Knicks, I'm good.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

He was awful in that Tennessee game, like really bad. And the Broncos in general, the offense was alarmingly bad. But I thought he was like bad that this was the Bo Nicks we were worried about when he was coming out of college. So I'm going to be. I'm at least a Five for my super bowl fringe contender, Broncos hopes that I had and then win the division, all that stuff.

[Cousin Sal]

I'll put it at a 5. Also he was not good today at all. Probably could have four interceptions. He calls his own number a lot. He runs his way out of like bad situations so that's good. And he threw a dime. The touchdown pass was very solid. But yeah, for the first half it looked like he was the rookie. And you know, Cam Ward was the, was the second year quarterback. Kind of like Caleb Williams versus Will Levis game one last year.

[Bill Simmons]

But yeah, it picked that game had and I, we all stamped it out. We knew a survivor, we knew with teases and parlays that game had all the makings and Denver did everything they could to try but the Titans offensively just, they had no chance against that Broncos defense. They couldn't move the ball.

[Cousin Sal]

I think that was the NFL eliminator gods putting their hand on our shoulders. Be like, hey guys, it's not going to be easy this year. Yeah, don't. You don't think you're going to.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, we had that. We had Arizona against New Orleans, New Orleans driving at the end. And then we had that ridiculous Cleveland, Cincinnati game. Next for the panic rankings, the look on another person's face as you tell them, I think I'm going to bet the Falcons at home.

[Cousin Sal]

What are your thoughts?

[Bill Simmons]

Because for me it needs to be intervention, like TV intervention style. Like the first of a one hour show in the 90s where somebody knocks on the character's door and it's like, hey, can you come over to Bobby's house? And then all his friends are there and they intervene. I'm just never doing it again. I can't do it again. I can't.

[Cousin Sal]

I'm writing down all the things you're never doing again.

[Bill Simmons]

That one I'm never doing again. Atlanta had a drive that was an hour long to try to, to try to go ahead in the fourth quarter that where they were inside the 10 and somehow had two consecutive four down. There were challenges. There was like it ended up being 10 plays inside like the five and then they got it and then they lost anyway.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I feel like we get it with Penix already. Every play is going to be him diving for the pylon. It's going to be close. Or his knee is down or his elbows down before he reached over the goal line. But I thought we agreed not to bet this one. I thought we said we like Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay is banged up. We're going to sit out because Atlanta's going to probably win this game. And then we could. Then we could pound Tampa Bay for the division. That's not how it worked out. But they're still minus 170. I wouldn't mind that. And you could blame yourself, too. You did the falcons 3/exclamation:exclamation points on our text when. When Pennock scored there, I think. Right.

[Bill Simmons]

I did. I forgot Baker Mayfield. Yeah. Well, DeBundo said in our text that thread that for some reason Koo has been involved in an intimate moment of of 42 straight Falcons games. I don't know how that's possible.

[Cousin Sal]

1Pm game. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It's funny how I did not think he was going to make that kick. Boswell in the Pittsburgh jets game where it's like Boswell from six, it's like, oh, this will be good from 90. And Ku is a good kicker, but for some reason there was a little bit of a stink. He'd already missed a pat earlier in the game.

[Cousin Sal]

Right? McLaughlin missed. Yeah. The special teams is awful today. I know it takes a minute for the offensive lines to gel, but the special teams, other than the Steelers, somehow Boswell getting out there all of a sudden, I don't know, is he a top three kicker you would trust for that? I couldn't believe how confidently he went out there and knocked it through.

[Bill Simmons]

Last one for the panic rankings. Houston's offense, which looked awful against the Rams, now they're missing a couple receivers. But yeah, I thought their offensive line was alarming. And the Rams, they have good defense. It's not that good. And Houston just couldn't do anything. They took out Collins and this was the big fear with Houston going into it. All of us were trying to figure out a different AFC south team to pick. None of us could talk ourselves into Jacksonville, Indianapolis or Tennessee. Everyone begrudgingly took the Texans well. They have C.J. stroud, they have some good receivers. Their defense is good. I thought the offense, the fact that they were relying on Nick Chubb like that too is just kind of. I kept hearing rumors of this the last couple weeks, but man, nine points for them and I'm concerned.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I'll give it a six. I'll give it a six. Only seven. You don't need to score a lot to win that division probably. But yeah, I mean, what happened? Our friend Hench drafted like he drafted Marks. I was like, what? Who is that? He's like, it's like the fourth string running back for Texas. Like, that's Arx or ck? What is. How is that. But yeah, they. Yeah. You said two receivers were gone and Collins did nothing. So. Weird. Weird game.

[Bill Simmons]

Do we have a Nobody believes in US team in your opinion yet in 2025? Because I think the nominees are Las Vegas and Indianapolis. Unless there's another team I can't think of. I think those would be the two, I guess.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. Oh, man. You really, really want to do this with Indianapolis?

[Bill Simmons]

I just trying to think of a team that won today that it is actually conceivable they'd make the playoffs. But it seems ridiculous.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I think it's rubbish.

[Cousin Sal]

I think the Raiders are the only underdog who won outright today. Right. Well, I guess the Bills technically. But yeah. So that would make sense. I'll throw the Jaguars in there. I know you don't. You don't like them, but I believe in them. I think they win that division.

[Bill Simmons]

We can talk about that game in a second. Did week one change your mind on anything from how you felt before the season? Is there one thing where you're like, oh, I would mulligan the shit out of that?

[Cousin Sal]

I was trying to think about that. What would I take back? So I'm most happy about my bucks to win the division making it to the super bowl pick. I'm most bummed about shorting the Rams. But like you said, who knows with that game? Maybe the Rams defense isn't that good and the Texans just didn't bring it for week one. But those are the two. Right now.

[Bill Simmons]

Mine is. I already talked about it with you a week ago about being bullish on the pats and gradually coming off it over the last two, three weeks as a couple injuries and just some of the feedback coming out of camp and the coaching stuff. And it just seemed like they were kind of preparing people. Like, yo, we've had a lot of turnover. Like this is. We don't have high expectations. I think that one. And then I kind of wish I had gone harder on Detroit or kc Just like not picking one of them to miss the playoffs because I do think it's really possible that one of those two teams is a year from hell candidate. But I could just see one of those two teams missing it. I don't think. I don't know if they will.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

But especially the Lions. Like I could see a scenario where they don't make it. And we talked about it. We circled that I didn't have the balls to do it.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. Well, I mean, don't. You know, I think you had the right Idea right away. Your initial, like maybe the Patriots have the year from hell. Are they the second or third worst team in the league? I'll give you a Dolphins Giants. You'll be. You could be third right now we're.

[Bill Simmons]

Better than the Browns and the Saints. The funny thing is that they. They didn't even play well when they were in that game. The whole game. The defense was pretty good. They had pressure the whole game.

[Cousin Sal]

I don't know that they gave 362 yards to gin and I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

And you and your good plays, but.

[Cousin Sal]

Your offense isn't good enough. You battle back with K, Sean Bo. What's his name? I don't know. It's going to be tough.

[Bill Simmons]

Campbell at left tackle was playing hurt and they just were working him like a speed bag. The offensive line was not great. They couldn't run the ball. I thought Vegas played pretty well though. One other thing, this isn't a change your mind, but it felt like kick returns and people were predicting that this could be the case. But I thought kick returns were way more noticeable this year with changing field position. I thought it had an impact on the Tennessee Denver game. There's a couple games where all of a sudden people are on the 45 or the 50. Whereas like for years and years we were just having touchbacks and people starting drives on the 22, the 24. Now all of a sudden it felt like we were in the 30 to 45. Right. Did you notice that?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I did. I think, yeah. Special teams just in general, like we were talking about even punt returns. The Bills fumbled a pun and there are more kick returns. I'm still not sure of the rule exactly where you're short of the zone of intention or whatever the hell it's called. But yeah, that was such bad clock. Clock management. How can you kick it through the end zone in Denver? Like, how's it go to 10 anyway?

[Bill Simmons]

I know that screwed them up. The only other thing. And I picked Green Bay to make the Super Bowl. This is before the Parsons trade, but I do wonder. This isn't a thing I would change necessarily, but they did have a look to them today. Like kind of a juggernauty kind of look. And we've seen some teams flash this in week one and they go away. But I was looking at their schedule. Commanders on Thursday at the Browns at the Cowboys by week home Bengals at Cardinals at Steelers on a Sunday night. Home Panthers home. Eagles at Giants home, Vikings at Lions on Thanksgiving. It's not that hard of a Schedule.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, if every. Every game you met at Pittsburgh will be close, but yeah, they're favorite and all those.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. Like, if you said, all right, at gunpoint, pick a team that's going to start out 10 and. Oh, right. I think I would pick them. I don't think probably nobody's going to start 10 and oh, but I think that's probably the team that has the best. Just. They're. They can do. They didn't really have weaknesses from we saw today. They can run the ball, they can throw the ball, they can rush the passer, they can cover. They can basically do everything. And they're a monster home team.

[Cousin Sal]

Yep. So looks like they hit on the rookies, too. Golden. Golden. Solid. They do have. FanDuel does have first team or last team to lose. They don't have it up right now. I do like that Parsons played like, 29 snaps and he's getting almost all the credit, so it seems like they're going to have.

[Bill Simmons]

Out of those 29, they had, like, he had, like, four or five genuinely impactful moments on there. So the AFC east could have been owned for. They're not. The Chiefs are in last place. Only one NFC team scored 25 points today. To your point. Yeah, that's right.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Everyone was 24 and under except for the packers, so. All right, we're going to take. We're going to take one more break for the podcast and. And then keep going here on the. On the YouTubes. So quickly zipping through the games. Packers beat the Lions. That one never felt close. We need to talk about that. We do need to talk about 49ers Seahawks. It had all the makings of a classic. Niners dominate, somehow blow the game, have some stupid special team stuff. They missed a field goal. They had a block field goal. I was like, oh, this is the classic really stupid Niners. Week one loss and McDaniels. I'm sorry, McDonald.

[Cousin Sal]

McDonald.

[Bill Simmons]

Fourth down and one. We now have 15 years of nerds explaining to us why you have to go for this and go for the kill. End the game. Don't let the Niners get the ball back. Just go for the first down. You win the game if you get it. And he kicks the field goal and the Niners come right back down and score. And Seattle ends up losing the game. Um, I. Especially in week one, I'm going for this. This is like you're sending a message to your team like, it's a different season. We're fucking ramming it down their throat. Fuck them. Fuck the Niners. We're fucking doing this. And, and instead like, well, we'll cook the field goal.

[Cousin Sal]

Hopefully our defense could hold.

[Bill Simmons]

I just hated it.

[Cousin Sal]

Did Olson do that game? Olson did that game, right? I mean he brought up, I'm pretty sure Greg Olson did that. Yeah, he had a good point. Yeah, of course. Because they had three timeouts left. There was three and a half minutes left. San Francisco. So I don't know if you kick a field goal, I feel like it's a, it's a, it's a push at that point, right. You gotta run clock, you gotta make them eat some of their timeouts, you know, fourth and one, you can make that. If you don't make fourth and one, you use your timeouts well and you'll get the ball back. But I think you, you gotta knock em out right there for sure.

[Bill Simmons]

Hated it. And then the play. So they get this long first down on there. They're trying to pull off a game winning drive. And jsn, who was awesome, who's our only receiver. No, but no other receiver had more than 15 yards, right? He makes this play, sets them up. It's getting close to the 2 minute warning and they kind of did like a spasm and it's. But they hand the ball off, nothing. And then all of a sudden the second down pass play where Darnold, they're like on the 11. Darnold, you know, in the middle of chaos. Like I'm just getting the ball out as fast as possible with Sam Darnold in that situation because you know, the Niners are bringing. I didn't like the play. I didn't like how they handled that last. I mean they were third three for 10 on third down. They had 230 yards total and they only had 22 minutes of possession. So maybe he just didn't believe in the offense for a reason. But I, I just didn't like the coaching by them. I thought they should have won the game.

[Cousin Sal]

I don't think he's going to win 13 games with them like he did last year. It was 13. He went with the Vikings.

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Cousin Sal]

But yeah, that was unfortunate because it was his own guy who knocked his hand and the ball loose. But. Right, yeah, but you just. That that's why you can't think things for granted, like just, you know, mash it down their throats. San Francisco was ready to be had.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought Kiddo and Jennings got hurt. Trent Williams was hurt, came back, seems like he's still hurt. Moody is 12 for 23 with field goals since week 10 last year.

[Cousin Sal]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

Steelers, Jets, Steelers win. Don't cover. Which I think K and I predicted. Steelers two and a half. They somehow win. Don't cover the Steelers. The cousin sound special. Did cover.

[Cousin Sal]

Beautiful.

[Bill Simmons]

You did it again.

[Cousin Sal]

Almost 7 to 1. Steelers to lose the first half and win the game. And they were down by what, like one point and a half or something? It was perfect.

[Bill Simmons]

Just think about this. If you just before the year bet a hundred thousand dollars every week on this and it hits five times.

[Cousin Sal]

I know it's like one of the.

[Bill Simmons]

Great bets and it hits five times every year.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. It's free for two months right now. Right. If I won that seven to one. Yeah. Add a little. Not enough on it. But he was very good. He was good. He was moving around. Rogers, you know, I bet his completions and yards over today. So I, I could. I didn't think he'd have the four touchdowns, but this, this could be a nice offense for him.

[Bill Simmons]

I've spent the whole summer saying I thought he was washed. I thought he looked really good. Now it might be one of those things where it's the old older athlete who looks good in September and as the year goes along the weather gets colder. But he, he, it looked like a fit. He seemed very, very engaged. He talked some shit after about the jets four touchdowns. I thought he looked good and I thought Fields was, was about as good as he can play. Right. He made plays. I thought his. Some of his passes were pretty accurate. He ran the ball a little bit. He wasn't. Didn't seem like a liability. And the jets ran all over Pittsburgh's defense and somehow lost like you'd think the jets getting 32 points. That should be. That game should be over.

[Cousin Sal]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought their defense could be better than that.

[Cousin Sal]

And listen, they made a 60 yard field goal. Otherwise it's all Rogers can't win a big game. You know that.

[Bill Simmons]

That would be the narrative.

[Cousin Sal]

So no, you're right. That could go either way. But yeah, I mean that was the best both of those quarterbacks you could be. Expect to see them play. And what about that press? I don't understand that Jackal comment in the press conference. Like feels good to beat everyone in the jets organization. Like you're counting your boy Nate Hackett or, or shoving Salah or going to Egypt like they, they did everything you wanted them to do. What do you want? What they gave him everything. So I'm not sure who in the organization he's talking about.

[Bill Simmons]

I mean Sal, we're not players. We can't possibly understand. That's true. Yeah, we're just non players.

[Cousin Sal]

You're going to apologize for that.

[Bill Simmons]

We're not smart enough to understand how he's thinking because we've never played Bucks, Falcons. We talked about that. Did want to mention Igbuko was as advertised, I think. Did you get him in our fantasy league?

[Cousin Sal]

That's my guy.

[Bill Simmons]

I tried to get him in everything. I bet on him. I only got him in one, one or two leagues. He makes the big play at the end, but he was heard from all.

[Cousin Sal]

Game and just looked so good in the fourth quarter. Baker, he really is. If you look at his numbers, it's mysterious how he saves it all up.

[Bill Simmons]

He passes the final test where when you're going against him, you're nervous and like that, it's like, oh shit, I have the lead. Right. But I feel like Baker's going to ram it right in my keister. And it's exactly what he did. The Rams Texans 14 9. I had the under in this game. It was the only under. I bet 11 Houston penalties, two turnovers and nothing from Nico Collins. Two for nine on first down. And the rough offensive line so all around not awesome. Bengals, Browns. So we, we had, we all had the Bengals as like this is the offense you want with the in fantasy, they had 11 first downs and 141 total yards and the Browns should have won the game. Like I know nobody watched this game except for the true diehards or if you saw a couple plays on red zone, but this was done. The Browns kicker, Andre. Shit.

[Cousin Sal]

Is that how you pronounce it? That's it.

[Bill Simmons]

Hold on. S, Z, M, Y, M T. Andre. Shit. I think is how it's pronounced. Andre Shit. Yeah, Schmidt. Schmidt Shmit. Missed a P and T and then a 36 yarder with 2:25 left. That was just a stomach punch. I hated it.

[Cousin Sal]

I had the Browns all over the place. I mean they covered fine, but I was like, this Zach Taylor thing, this is a real thing. He's one in 10 and it's for weeks one through three, the last, you know, three, four years, whatever it is. And. But I feel like the Browns, this is what we should be used to it. And I feel like they took them aside and they said like, listen kid, you come to this organization, you're going to suck. It's as simple as that. There's going to be guys like Miles Garrett and Joe Flacco are going to play their asses off. But for the most part, we're incorrigible losers. So the talks about the Haslams and desean, but we want to spread the wealth a little. It's your turn. So go miss an extra point and a 12 yard fucking field goal. We'll take care of the rest. Yeah. Here's to us.

[Bill Simmons]

I love the Browns. Did not want to put them in Ringer 107 because I just wasn't putting a terrible team in first week. Ringer 107. In retrospect, I should have. Broncos, Titans, we talked about. The only thing we didn't talk about. The Titans might be okay. I'm not ruling them out as like a 9 and 8 team. I know, I know. The offense did nothing today. They had seven first downs, 133 yards. But I like their defense and I thought the quarterback made a couple really nice throws. He was under duress, to say the least. And Denver's defense, especially at home, might just be awesome, especially in the altitude. So I. I'm not. I would just be careful going against them in parlays and teams. I'm with you for the next couple weeks.

[Cousin Sal]

Don't you think the Titans defense was good? There was a pass. Pass. How are we saying that this year? Pass rush. It was a pass rush.

[Bill Simmons]

We're saying pass rush. Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

As shaky as Knicks was sometimes, he was just kind of under attack and it was weird. I like Cam Ward. I don't know what's going on with these receivers.

[Bill Simmons]

They.

[Cousin Sal]

They appear to have never played with him before because, you know, he has a weird delivery, right? So it comes out kind of sidearm and it, like, takes everybody by surprise. There's a little mustard on it, so it's hot. But Ridley, like, dropped a bunch of pat, like, and then, you know. Yeah, you don't know. You don't know if he's gambling, you.

[Bill Simmons]

Know, you don't know.

[Cousin Sal]

But he points to himself. He's like, that was on me. So then. Then, you know, you can't talk about the other stuff. But, yeah, it really doesn't seem like anybody's ever seen a pass from Cam Ward before. And even his father. That was a great moment. His father got up, you see, when Ridley dropped the ball, his father, like, got up and, like, had him walk around.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, Jesus.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. So he could be good. He could be good.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought word looked all right. They had a. Pollard had a really bad fumble at one point. But that game was. It was 2012, but that was. Either team could have won that game. And upon The Broncos. I thought there was also a very, very, very, very, very weird Sean Payton coaching moment in the final three minutes. 4th and 8 and 36. They go for it. They run like a fucking. It was like a tecmo bowl player. You just chuck it down and hope somebody catches it.

[Cousin Sal]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

And all of a sudden the Titans had the ball with like, I don't know, a minute and a half left. It was just very, very.

[Cousin Sal]

That's a field goal attempt. Everyone attempts 53.

[Bill Simmons]

Just pun it at a bat. Mile high. Put them inside the 10 like that. Don't do what they did. Washington beat the Giants and kneeling. Thing we didn't talk about with this is it was an awful game and I thought Washington looked bad. Russ was empty calories and it feels like dart Dayball wouldn't commit to him for next week. I think they might just go with dart sooner than later. What does day ball carry? He's going to get fired. He's not going to throw Wilson out there for a month.

[Cousin Sal]

I like that he says. I want to make this clear. This loss is not on Russell Wilson. Okay. Will you commit to him being the starter next week? Oh, no, no, no. Not a chance. No. No way. What am I, an idiot? Come on. It's a matter.

[Bill Simmons]

You see him under pressure. He can't move.

[Cousin Sal]

I want to make this clear. It's pretty clear. I'm looking at the box score. But now they. They had no pass rush or any of their defense sucked to the Giants.

[Bill Simmons]

So it's a bad game.

[Cousin Sal]

Yep.

[Bill Simmons]

Raiders Pats. I don't feel great about the Pats. I don't want to talk about it. Card Saints. New Orleans almost tied this. This was 20 to 6. And then all of a sudden it was 2013. Then all of a sudden spent the Rattlers driving. Then all of a sudden somebody almost gets to the. To diving up in the air with the two guys hitting them on the goal line. Touchdown. But they dropped it. And this was not a good game for your Cards are going to win the NFC West. Not that the Seahawks were much better.

[Cousin Sal]

They're going to beat the Panthers next week. They're going to be two. And oh, and they were so unimpressive. Plans to see them in the Super Bowl.

[Bill Simmons]

Really unimpressive. The Saints are. You know, they're. One of the things we learned today is I'm not sure there's a terrible team. At least I really.

[Cousin Sal]

So if I told you someone's going to win three games or fewer, you would.

[Bill Simmons]

Before the season, I would have said Definitely, yeah. I don't know. I. Miami was the worst team today and I don't think they're going to go 3 and 14. But all these things like, like the Saints. The Saints can block.

[Cousin Sal]

Right?

[Bill Simmons]

Right. They had a couple playmaker plays. I don't know. They're not awful. The quarterback's awful, but they weren't.

[Cousin Sal]

But we have to see. I mean, the Patriots. Patriots might get their act together. Maybe I've been too harsh.

[Bill Simmons]

I didn't appreciate that.

[Cousin Sal]

I'm laughing like my team's good. I don't understand. Why does Henderson get five carries like John. They got 19. Like put him in big boy pads.

[Bill Simmons]

Last thing out of the games today. Hunter on Jacksonville, 39 snaps. What do you think the breakdown was for offense? Defense.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, I didn't even see this one.

[Bill Simmons]

45 snaps total.

[Cousin Sal]

Wait, 45 total.

[Bill Simmons]

45 total. 39 on one end, six on the other.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, defense.

[Bill Simmons]

Played 39 on offense, six on defense.

[Cousin Sal]

He did.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, how did I miss that? Yeah, I missed it too. I saw it during the line. Wow. So this big trade, they give up all this stuff and this is like this guy's going to be a two way revelation and they're only playing them on one side. I know. I granted it's week one, but I just thought it was notable.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. That's why people were saying for offensive rookie of the year. I was like, hey, he might just not get. The coordinator decides you're not in, then you. It's out of your hands.

[Bill Simmons]

If you're playing him at receiver, guess what? He's not going to be better than Egg Buka. Right.

[Cousin Sal]

That's true too.

[Bill Simmons]

The thing that would have made him special was trying to play both sides anyway. All right, you ready? Little get the Lions action.

[Cousin Sal]

I guess so. I'm glad we didn't talk about my team. It's good.

[Bill Simmons]

We better not tell you. We can talk about your team when we do the matchup.

[Cousin Sal]

Too many days. Too many days gone. All right.

[Bill Simmons]

We talked about it on Friday's ringer gamble show.

[Cousin Sal]

You're right. You're right. I'm fine.

[Bill Simmons]

Week two. You beat me in guest alliance last week.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Thursday night Packers. Washington. This is a very good game. It's in Green Bay. Thought Washington. That was. It was a crappy game, but it was kind of a violent game and I don't know what that's going to mean for four days later.

[Cousin Sal]

They ran all over them. They did run all over the Giants. Let me make this clear that that loss is not on Russell Wilson. Did I make that clear?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, you did. Okay, I have the packers favored by three points against Washington.

[Cousin Sal]

You got it. It's three and a half. I said four and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Where do you think that ends on Thursday night?

[Cousin Sal]

I think four, don't you? I don't know. I. The betting public should just continue to like Green Bay, right?

[Bill Simmons]

This feels like a pretty juicy live bet opportunity where the packers are up 10 of 14 all game and then Jaden Daniels looming late with doing when he starts running around and doing the things he does. This is a must watch game. Very excited for it.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, it's a good one.

[Bill Simmons]

Sunday's marquee game is the Chiefs against the Eagles. It's in Kansas City. And you know, last year we had the Tic Tac Zone, Right. This year you talked about how there was this run of -2 and a halfs, and you're like, we need a name for that. And I didn't think of the name until like three hours after the podcast. And I was so mad that I didn't think of it in the moment. I feel like 10 years ago I would have had it right away. It's got to be something with Charlie Sheen, right?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. The Sheen Zone.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. What was his character on Two and a Half Men?

[Cousin Sal]

I don't know. What is that a trick question? You're gonna make fun of me if I know it? Yeah. Well, it would have been funny if.

[Bill Simmons]

You'Re like, his name was Bob. The other guy's name was John.

[Cousin Sal]

Someone called Charlie. Oh, it was Charlie. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Charlie and Alan. And then, oh, Angus T. Jones. Angus T. Jones's Jay Carper was the half man. Okay, so maybe we. It's the Angus T's Jones zone. Or do we go Charlie. The Charlie Zone.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, Charlie Zone, the Sheen Zone is good. I mean, he's about to be. He's about to be big again. Right. He has a documentary coming out, the Crier Zone. Someone recommended John Cryer. I'll do whichever.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, other people had the Two and a Half Men thing.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah. Yeah. Somebody. Yeah, somebody else.

[Bill Simmons]

I guess it's not hard to come up with.

[Cousin Sal]

What do you want to do? Charlie Zone or Sheen Zone?

[Bill Simmons]

It would be fun to give Angus T. Jones some love, but I do like the. The Sheen Zone. Tic Tac Zone and the Sheen Zone. I. I turned down Charlie Sheen coming on the pod.

[Cousin Sal]

You did? Yeah. What could happen?

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, he should go to your house. Yeah. He should die to go to your house. Doesn't seem like a great guy.

[Cousin Sal]

One Slip up.

[Bill Simmons]

Come on. Ten years. Yeah. Sunday marquee chief.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

I'm putting this in the tic tac zone. That's the reason I brought it up. I have Chiefs minus one and a half.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, the tic tac. Okay.

[Bill Simmons]

Over sheen. We want tic tac.

[Cousin Sal]

We all get it. It is one and a half. Yep. I both get it. Yep. Oh, wait, you. Who, who do you have favorite?

[Bill Simmons]

Chiefs.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, no, you don't get it. Philly's favorite.

[Bill Simmons]

Philly's favorite in Kansas City.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

What?

[Cousin Sal]

Yes, sir. Let me check. Let me double check. Philly's favorite in Kansas City. Yeah. People have had enough of Kansas City. Shit. Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

So this is really it. The Chiefs have lost home. Home favorite pencil man, Mahomes has lost his place on top of. On top of the hierarchy because it feels like Alan and Lamar both like kind of supplanted it. And he can point to the three rings, but they were two plus years ago.

[Cousin Sal]

Now, has this happened before? Someone's going to correct us in a minute. You know, aside from like a Week 18 game where they're home and not playing. Guys, have they been another dog in years?

[Bill Simmons]

I'm really surprised by this. Yeah, I thought for sure. Now is worthy out. Is worthy playing. What's the deal?

[Cousin Sal]

I don't know. He has like a dislocated chill. I feel like he could do the, you know, the Mel Gibson thing. Lethal weapons. Or just slams it into the. No, not that thing. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

When he does come, leave it moonshot us.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Watchables. I only have two Lions. Bears in Detroit.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Now we have no idea what this Bears team like, what's going to happen tomorrow night, but I have The Lions by 2 1/2 in the bench bench game. What do you got?

[Cousin Sal]

I got it. I said five. It's four and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

That's too high.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, this is a short week and they're not going to. That shouldn't be owing to, should they? Short week on a Detroit.

[Bill Simmons]

That's too high.

[Cousin Sal]

Doming it up.

[Bill Simmons]

That's going down.

[Cousin Sal]

I like it.

[Bill Simmons]

Bill's Jets. Good. Good Lord. I have no idea what to do with this one. In the old days, this would have been market down. It's in Buffalo minus eight. Jets or Buffalo? Screw that up.

[Cousin Sal]

I mean Jersey technically, but it's all right.

[Bill Simmons]

It's in New York. That doesn't really change my pick that much. I'm going Bills by five.

[Cousin Sal]

I went seven and a half. It's six and a half. So we'll get that One. It's kind of a must win, right? Teaser game.

[Bill Simmons]

Must win for who?

[Cousin Sal]

The team that's going to be good eventually. The Bills.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, they're one and. Oh, why is it a must win?

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. I'm thinking in my head that they lost. Oh, man. Are you sure?

[Bill Simmons]

Right. And I just.

[Cousin Sal]

Look, they.

[Bill Simmons]

They actually did. So it still was a win.

[Cousin Sal]

That's ridiculous. They won that game. All right.

[Bill Simmons]

This could be a big Justin Fields game.

[Cousin Sal]

That'd be funny. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Fairly watchable. So I got six. We'll start with Bengals home for the Jaguars. I'm still. I know the Jaguars won convincingly today, but I don't know, I. It wasn't like they were unbelievable. They did a couple good things. Carolina was really bad. And I don't know if we know what we have with the Jaguars yet. I have the Bengals favored by three.

[Cousin Sal]

All right, you got that? I said four and a half. It's three and a half. I mean, I just. It looks like. Fanduel Skittish. Well, they should be. About the Bengals laying a big number.

[Bill Simmons]

They should have lost today. It was the rare. They. It was the same game as last year when they played the Pats, except this time they actually won it. But it was just as bad.

[Cousin Sal]

They had seven yards in the second half. Yeah, seven yards.

[Bill Simmons]

They're awful.

[Cousin Sal]

Gross.

[Bill Simmons]

Cowboys home for the Giants.

[Cousin Sal]

Speaking of gross. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

As a non player, did you blame CD Lamb for the. For the loss?

[Cousin Sal]

Let me make something clear. CD Lamb is not to be blamed for this loss.

[Bill Simmons]

Okay.

[Cousin Sal]

On the other hand, if he caught every ball that touched his hands, he would add 265 yards. But I want to make it clear.

[Bill Simmons]

So you're saying that as a non player.

[Cousin Sal]

Yes, as a non player. Yeah. Gotcha. Okay. You think we could sign one day contract so that we could, you know.

[Bill Simmons]

Say, well, I played coffee with the Rams.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

I wonder if the team would say, would the Patriots sign you to a one day contract and you could just say you're a player. It's like an honorary doctorate. Like probably not.

[Bill Simmons]

After my thoughts on the dynasty, I had the Cowboys over the Giants. I have a minus three and a half and I think I hit it. Exactly.

[Cousin Sal]

It's four and a half. I said seven. And this is. This is super depressing. I mean the fact that this is not a Thursday night game, it's not a Thanksgiving game, it's just a 1pm kickoff and we're not. And the Giants were as miserable as they are and were and it's only four and a half. Good God.

[Bill Simmons]

Can you walk me through your feelings as you watch the Carl Pickens mixtape of Carl. George Pickens? Who is Carl Pickens? Is that my first? Grew up. It's a Tennessee receiver back 30 years ago.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Can you walk me through the George Pickens not finishing blocks or finishing routes mixtape that went around Friday?

[Cousin Sal]

I. I'm not gonna walk you through that.

[Bill Simmons]

What?

[Cousin Sal]

What? I. No, not your monkey. I hated it. I did. You know, I wasn't. I shouldn't have been mad, but I, you know, they. They really didn't screw up much other than the fumble. And that's what gets me mad. Like, Sanders had a 50 yard run, but he also fumbled. They didn't do stupid things, you know, coaching wasn't terrible. I don't know. I. I think, like, as long as every team's best defensive player spits on Dak, like one or two players plays in, I think we got a shot.

[Bill Simmons]

Giants didn't have their left tackle today. I guess they're saving him for the Thursday game because they probably thought they had a better chance to win the Thursday game.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And with the left tackle, I don't know. Kind of like the Giants, Rams, Titans in Tennessee.

[Cousin Sal]

Let's see.

[Bill Simmons]

Rams outdoor. I feel like we bet on this game and lost on the Rams 12 times since 1998. I have the Rams favored by two and a half. I put it right in the sheen zone.

[Cousin Sal]

It's actually. Should have put in the Vegas zone. I said four. It's four and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

That's too high. It's too high. I think it's high, too, but Tennessee's a whiff. Frisky. I'd be careful of them.

[Cousin Sal]

They play so many games just in history, right. Where they're in it for 58 minutes and then. Why? Oh, they lost by 11. How'd that happen?

[Bill Simmons]

This is the Castaway Bowl.

[Cousin Sal]

What do you mean?

[Bill Simmons]

Who is it?

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, right, right, right, right. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Chuck Nolan goes to Helen Hunt's house.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And they're making small talk. And he's like, let me get one thing straight.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Tennessee has a football team. And she's like, we were so close. We were one yard away.

[Cousin Sal]

Did you be honest with me right now? You wept when they were making out in the driveway in the torrential downpour.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I'm on record. I just think about the husband that whole time.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, right.

[Bill Simmons]

Just silently sobbing upstairs. Ford Raid at the love of his life.

[Cousin Sal]

Kept all your clippings. Let's go through These for four hours.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah. There's an intervention with the clippings in the dining room.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like, all right, the guy survived. Put the fucking things in the attic. What are we doing? Steelers, Seahawks. Wow. In Pittsburgh. This could be yet another cousin's house special. And yet another Steelers win. But don't cover the minus three. I have Steelers minus three.

[Cousin Sal]

I hit it. Exactly. It's two and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, you sheened me.

[Cousin Sal]

Let me see what's going on here. Five to three. You got to catch up a little.

[Bill Simmons]

Jesus Christ. I don't know. I don't know how you got good at guest alliance.

[Cousin Sal]

I know.

[Bill Simmons]

Rampant cheating. Ravens home for the Browns. And this number has to start with a nine. And I don't know whether it's gonna be a nine or nine and a half, but it's early in the season, so I'm just gonna say nine.

[Cousin Sal]

I said nine and a half. Swear to God. It's eleven and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, this is everybody's eliminator.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, they come on one or lost today. The Ravens. Will you fact check that for me?

[Bill Simmons]

They lost what, their own one?

[Cousin Sal]

They were 40, 25 with five minutes.

[Bill Simmons]

40, 25 and they lost somehow.

[Cousin Sal]

Come on. And lose that game.

[Bill Simmons]

Eleven and a half. That's too high. They think that's too high or am I nuts?

[Cousin Sal]

Division game flack against his old team. I don't know.

[Bill Simmons]

We'll be putting the Ravens in a. In a three team tees with two.

[Cousin Sal]

No doubt about it. They're going to. Let me tell you this. They're going to have more than seven yards in the second half. The Ravens. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Broncos, Colts. It's in Indianapolis. Has all the makings of the Colts are two and. Oh, nobody saw this coming.

[Cousin Sal]

It's got to be one of those teams, too. Those teams.

[Bill Simmons]

I'll tell you this. It's going to be a little bit of a different situation for them with the defense they're going against in this game versus the defense they went against.

[Cousin Sal]

I agree.

[Bill Simmons]

Today I think the Broncos will be favored at Broncos by one and a half.

[Cousin Sal]

That's what I had. We should have gone sheen zone. Two and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Sheened it fine.

[Cousin Sal]

Sheen it up.

[Bill Simmons]

Running out of space. We got the poop facto with three games. Dolphins, pats had to put in the poop fecta considering both of them stunk today. Yeah.

[Cousin Sal]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

The Drake May thing bummed me out. It's a tough one because we had Jayson Tatum, Drake May and Roman Anthony were the. The trifecta for Us. And Tatum got hurt. Roman Anthony beat was Ted Williams for two months. I'm watching. I watched more Red Sox this year than I have since the 2018 season. And then he hurts his oblique, and it's, like, timed perfectly that he's probably not even going to be able to be back unless they make, like, the second round of the playoffs. So that sucked. And then Drake May, who we had all these hopes for.

[Cousin Sal]

Wait, is he done? Drake May.

[Bill Simmons]

Drake May's done. His stats were okay today, but I did not think he was that good today.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, he was.

[Bill Simmons]

I thought he was sailing balls. He. He. He seems skittish in the drives. In the first drive, the first half. First drive, the second half. It just wasn't a great Drake May game. He wasn't running the ball. He just didn't seem like young Josh Allen. I didn't like it.

[Cousin Sal]

Wow.

[Bill Simmons]

I need more from my guy.

[Cousin Sal]

I don't think he was ever young Josh Allen. This is what happens. That's what we wanted him to be.

[Bill Simmons]

Want to be young Josh Allen.

[Cousin Sal]

All right, well, Josh Allen's losing 40, 25 with five minutes left, so I think you could do that.

[Bill Simmons]

He's going to be married to an Academy Award nominee. Speaking of nominees, our guy, our cuz, game, show, Emmy, second one, game money. And then this one, right.

[Cousin Sal]

First one he tried to give to Susan Lucci years ago because she had that long run of not winning. So. Yeah, good job by you, Jimmy.

[Bill Simmons]

Did he cry during the speech or. No?

[Cousin Sal]

No, I don't think. I don't think so.

[Bill Simmons]

Is Regis Philbin alive still or. No, he's dead.

[Cousin Sal]

Regis and Alex Rebeck took him out to dinner afterwards.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I have the Dolphins favored by three over the Patriots.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, you're losing this week. I said one. It's one and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Really?

[Cousin Sal]

Well, come on.

[Bill Simmons]

Anybody see my team today? Oh, put up 13 points against the fucking Raiders. They have two guys on defense.

[Cousin Sal]

The Dolphins were way worse than anybody. Tyreek, still crashing out five hours.

[Bill Simmons]

The Dolphins can't win this game. They're going to go 2 and 15.

[Cousin Sal]

This is, is this. Do we cross off? First of all, do we have any cross offs? And is this a cross off?

[Bill Simmons]

We don't. We don't yet. Because you can't cross off the Saints. You can't cross off the Browns.

[Cousin Sal]

Okay?

[Bill Simmons]

Because. Because 9 and 8 might actually make the 17 AFC. I don't think we have any cross off. All right, Cardinals, Panthers. It's in Arizona. And this is another one where the Cardinals are going to Get a nice big fat favorite line that they probably don't deserve. But I have Cardinals by seven.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I didn't think it would that that high. I'm glad they're being regarded like that. It's six and a half. I said four.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, so I get that one.

[Cousin Sal]

You got it.

[Bill Simmons]

The Panthers look bad. They give up over 200 yards rushing. So they learned nothing from last year when I think teams ran for what, 3,000 yards on them.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then Bryce Young was terrible. The only thing is McMillan looked okay as, as like a big. Like you could see the potential with it, but other than that, not a lot going on there.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, Travis at the end was all of a sudden Walter Payton like that was. I don't know what they did there.

[Bill Simmons]

Sunday night. Vikings, Falcons. It's in Minnesota. It's the.

[Cousin Sal]

Did you forget one or. We do. We do San Francisco, New Orleans.

[Bill Simmons]

No, I did forget one. You're correct. Poop.

[Cousin Sal]

Feck.

[Bill Simmons]

The last one niner Saints. Yeah, in New Orleans. I put it in the Vegas zone. I don't feel great about it. Five and a half Niners. Five and a half.

[Cousin Sal]

I said six and a half. It's seven. Some of these garbage teams you got to give. You got to give a big number here. Oh, I see too many teasers. I got to stop looking at this. I see too many teasers.

[Bill Simmons]

I like Sunday night, Minnesota home for the Falcons. I put this. I sheen this one. Vikings minus two and a half.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I did too. They made it four and a half. No, come on. Can we see this kid take a snap first before we make anything? Four and a half. I know the Atlanta's not great, but come on.

[Bill Simmons]

Monday night, two games. Two Monday nighters this week.

[Cousin Sal]

I thought they were going to be done with this. Is it next year that they're done with this? I like it. You do?

[Bill Simmons]

I'll tell you another thing. I could have used a Europe game today at six in the morning waking up. Could have started the year. Could have started the year with Jacksonville Carolina and like fucking Zimbabwe.

[Cousin Sal]

Wow. Well, we have nine Sunday morning games this week. So they could, they could mix it up. Yeah, they could send the Patriots, Miami to Zimbabwe. That'd be nice.

[Bill Simmons]

Monday night, Houston home for the Bucks. I tic tac'd it. Houston minus one and a half.

[Cousin Sal]

You should have sheened it. It's two and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

We have our own dumb language.

[Cousin Sal]

But you get it. You get it because I had one. Okay, let's see if you could do anything. Seven to. Nah, it's over. Oh, it's over. Ten, seven, me.

[Bill Simmons]

Jesus. What were Baker's MVP odds? I'm gonna look this up right now.

[Cousin Sal]

They were similar to 33 to 1. We liked love and they were similar. Right.

[Bill Simmons]

33 to 1's too high for him because that's a team.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

In the NFC south, they could just go 6, 0. He could end up like 13 and 4 somehow.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, you got to do that and.

[Bill Simmons]

Be in the mix. 33 to 1's too high.

[Cousin Sal]

But you have Jordan Love, don't you, at 30 or 20. What do you have?

[Bill Simmons]

25. Torn.

[Cousin Sal]

He's 12 now. Already cut in half.

[Bill Simmons]

Josh Allen's going to win the mvp. He's the best player in the league. And if he's not the best player in the league, Lamar Jackson is the best player in the league. Those two guys are the best two guys in the league. Whether you'd want Mahomes in a playoff game with your life depending on it, fine. But day to day, week to week, for four months, those are the two best guys.

[Cousin Sal]

It's really hard to argue if Joe Burrow is not going to show up and put up fewer than 10 yards. Did he play today? Not the second half, no.

[Bill Simmons]

Last one. Chargers, Raiders. It's in Vegas and I predicted the overreaction. Chargers favored by 1 1/2 in Vegas. Line.

[Cousin Sal]

No, I got this exact. It's three charges by three.

[Bill Simmons]

You got it. You obviously cheating this year.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, I'm cheating.

[Bill Simmons]

You weren't this good for 20 years. Now your lights out.

[Cousin Sal]

Well, I'm John Elway. Who's done that?

[Bill Simmons]

I don't know.

[Cousin Sal]

Somebody good. Let's go to this game. Let's do guest alliance from Vegas. See the Chargers and Raiders.

[Bill Simmons]

That sounds terrible.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, that's Monday night. Anyway. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Today's Parent Corner is presented by UberEats. Let's be real. It wouldn't be game day without a spread of your favorite foods. Pizza, burgers, burritos, you name it. Uber Eats is here to deliver it to you all season long. What do you have for Parent Corner this week?

[Cousin Sal]

I have a good one, but I feel like I'm in the bend zone. I know there's the Sheen Zone and the Tic Tac Zone, but I'm in the where my high school kid. I. I can't risk him hearing it. He'll just fucking flip out on me. So.

[Bill Simmons]

Damn it, I have three of those a week.

[Cousin Sal]

I know, I know. I'll tell you separately, but I do have one that I held onto from Spring break.

[Bill Simmons]

Actually, this is back this as the intro presented by UberEats, where we give our fifth best story about our kids because we can't say the first four.

[Cousin Sal]

I probably have four Uber related parent corners that are not flattering for the sponsors, so I would stick away from that. But I'll tell you this one. This happened a few months ago. So we were coming back from Cabo. It was February, a couple weeks after the super bowl, and I'm sitting in the airport in Mexico with the family, and the family's to the right of me, and I'm in a seat and I'm looking down on my phone and I hear someone being ushered over in my area by, like, private security. And she sounds important and she smells good and she sits right next to me. And so I can't look up now. Right. And also I'm jaded anyway, so I don't want to. I'd rather keep looking at my work.

[Bill Simmons]

For a late night talk show.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, yeah. And also I'm looking at my phone telling my losses for whatever shitty golf matchups I had. It was Sunday afternoon, so I had to do that. So finally, after 10 minutes, I get up to use the bathroom, or el bano, as it's called in Mexico, and I leave my charger in the seat right in the waiting area, right where I was. And then, because I'm coming right back, whatever, I'm just going to. I don't want to give up the seat. And I come back and the whole family is looking at me and laughing because moments before, the important woman approached my wife and handed her my charger and referring to me, said, I think your father forgot his charger. She thought I was Melissa's father. This woman, Jessica Alba, she thought I was 75 years old. The kids are dying laughing. The kids called me grandpa for like a couple of months. And I didn't acknowledge it. So it went away. That's what you should do, by the way. If you just don't acknowledge anything, right? And maybe it'll go away. So thanks for nothing, Jessica Alba. You're not my dark angel, but there you go. Your father left his charger here.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, my God, Alba, that's unbelievable.

[Cousin Sal]

That's a killer. That's a fricking killer. I got to get plastic surgery or something. Have to do something. I mean, they're laughing at me. I'm like, why are you laughing? She. She thinks that you married your. Your father, basically. That's not a. It's not a compliment to you.

[Bill Simmons]

I've Noticed that when I'm with my daughter because my daughter's pretty and she could pass for. You could think she's 20, but you also might think she's 25. And I could see people when they see us together. Now if we're like power walking or we're at dinner.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, out here, sure. Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

Like 60% of the people think I'm the dad and then 40% think I'm.

[Cousin Sal]

Some creep that has like a 21.

[Bill Simmons]

Year old trophy girlfriend. You could just see like certain people just kind of like, what the fuck, dude?

[Cousin Sal]

Right?

[Bill Simmons]

That girl's 21. How are you dating her? It's like, no problem, just apologize. Yeah. She's actually the subject of my parent corner this week. So she's around the same size as my daughter. Height wise, she's like my wife. She's like 2 inches taller than my wife. So they can wear a lot of the same clothes. And my son's maybe an inch and a half shorter than I am, but can wear all my T shirts. And they've been stealing clothes from us for, I don't know, ever since they hit a certain height and it's gotten to the point it's beyond a thief. It's like 50 to 60% of the fights in our house is somebody stole a favorite T shirt. My daughter stole this sweater from my wife. My wife is helping her move in in Boston and found like nine things of hers that she's been looking for for like a year. And it's all we fight about. And my daughter does this really interesting like Jedi mind trek with this where she steals the thing and then if she has it long enough, it became hers.

[Cousin Sal]

Right.

[Bill Simmons]

It's like squatting. Yeah. It's like she's been here a year so it's now her property. So when I was there, when we were moving her in for soccer in mid August, she was out. She's like, oh, it's going to be cold tonight. I'm going to wear my Jimmy Kimmel sweatshirt. I'm like, what Jimmy Kimmel sweatshirt? Somehow she had this sweatshirt that Jimmy gave all of us that first year for Christmas, right? It had the logo in the back, it was blue. It looks like it's like from a million years ago. And I always loved it and I just thought it was gone. I left it somewhere. And it turns out she's had it for three years. And I got mad about the sweatshirt and she's like, but it's my sweatshirt. And I was like, it's definitely not your sweatshirt. It was first year of the show. That's my sweatshirt. You took it. And she's like, I know, but I'm your daughter, so now it's mine. Why can't I have it? And I just think, like, when does this end for us? When our kids. Because we, you know, we're the parents. We're supposed to give them stuff and we're supposed to put them above ourselves, which is what you do when you're a parent. But does it extend the clothes? Because I have no white T shirts left. Like, I have to just go out. Cause Ben's taken every white T shirt I've ever had and just takes it. So if I want to have, like, oh, I'll wear this blue shirt. I'm going to work, lunch. I'll put a white T shirt under. And I have zero white T shirts left, even though I used to have 17. What are our rights there as parents? Because I don't really know.

[Cousin Sal]

I think our right, by the way, that sweatshirt, now that he's an Emmy winner, is worth something. But I feel bad for you because the argument is stupid, because she probably is like, you didn't miss it. You never asked for it in the last three years. And you're like, yeah, because I didn't know it was gone. You know, whatever, right?

[Bill Simmons]

But I thought it was in there.

[Cousin Sal]

I think this is why guys our age dress like idiots. Because we have to buy clothes that we know our kids won't steal. So we have the car cargo shorts with 40 pockets on each side. And then we end up looking like buffoons going out to pick them up. And it is their fault. I don't know what we can do. I really don't. Aside from that, I have this one.

[Bill Simmons]

Light blue T shirt that I love, and Ben just keeps taking it from me. And we fight about it like, once a month. And he's like, it looks good when.

[Cousin Sal]

I wear it, though.

[Bill Simmons]

And just. I don't know, they just don't care. They just see us as ATM machines and things that they can just steal stuff from with no repercussions. Because there's going to be a moment much later in life when they're the last people that we can count on to take care of us.

[Cousin Sal]

Right? Well, I'm already a grandfather apparent, according to Just Alba.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I forgot about that. Your grandpa Sal, your Uncle Sal did a bundo because you now serves two uncles on Wednesday. Ringer gambling.

[Cousin Sal]

He loves it.

[Bill Simmons]

It's ridiculous. All right, I think that's it. Unless you have anything Else.

[Cousin Sal]

I think that's it. That's all I have. Uber eats. I think they do.

[Bill Simmons]

You win or lose money on you. Oh, I got to do. Today's parent corner presented by Uber E. Anything for game day, like your favorite game day. Foods, drinks and snacks on UberEats. The official on demand delivery partner of the NFL. Order now. Actually used it today. I got some sandwiches from Giada. They have Giada in your house?

[Cousin Sal]

No, no, no. They do have Ralph's and I got a bunch of Coke Zeros and watermelon.

[Bill Simmons]

Right.

[Cousin Sal]

How about we talk about the. About the draft? Did you want to talk about that?

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, let's do that before we go. So. So we have our vote out draft on Tuesday and our friend Brad, who we've talked about a million times on this pod, who every year that he's alive is a miracle for all of us. It's year by year and he's like LeBron. It's year by year. He could retire in a year. He might come back and be an all program. We don't know. He's been voted out three times before Tuesday's draft and our friend Tony voted him out. And I thought Brad was going to toss an entire thing of ribs on me, which you somehow got a picture of. The one moment when I was like, oh my God, those ribs are gonna go on my lap. He didn't do that. But he's very mad. And where do we stand now with Brad and Tony?

[Cousin Sal]

So Tony, as a consolation gift, cause he knows Brad loves ribs, he kicked him out. He did a funny bit about it with. He had AI kick Brad out, which is actually a voice of a friend of ours, but a lot of inside jokes so I won't get into it. But then he said, but he did.

[Bill Simmons]

Use a voice of a friend of ours that Brad recognized the BO voice. So now he's mad at two people.

[Cousin Sal]

Very mad at her. He's gonna hate hates her. She's on the enemy list. But then. But Tony leaves the room and brings out a gigantic plate of like it was like a framed poster size pan of ribs. And then Brad is now angry at Tony and he opens the tinfoil other. Any other time he'd be delighted and like pours nerds on him. I think that's the best result you could have asked for being in the. Being right there in the worst result.

[Bill Simmons]

With the ribs ending up on my head or my lap. Best result was him pouring an entire bag of nerds.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah.

[Bill Simmons]

And then he ended up taking some of the ribs but then Mike August, our auctioneer, who ate anything, and it just became a matter of time when Mike was going to have the ribs and scrape the nerds off the ribs or then just eat the ribs with the nerds on them, which he did.

[Cousin Sal]

He did. And I'm not going to lie to you, I did as well. I had one. It's not that bad. It's good. I mean, you put, like, honey on ribs and, like, you know, like, sweet sauces. Nerd ribs are the thing of the 2000 and 30s.

[Bill Simmons]

Well, I felt bad for Brad. The draft's always more fun when he's. When I somehow sitting next to him. So maybe I was the one that made out the best. So then Brad leaves, you call him, you get him an Uber. Oh, yeah, he gets in the Uber. He doesn't. All of a sudden, you get an email. During our draft. We're drafting, Brad emails you that he left his phone in the Uber. So now you have to stop the draft. You have to call the Uber. Brad's already murdered your Uber stars.

[Cousin Sal]

Oh, yeah. I went down 3/10 of a rating. Easily.

[Bill Simmons]

Easily. You do the lost item thing for the brat. So the phone, it's an extra 20 bucks. You'd put that in and then what happens after that?

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, this skid cost me 50 bucks because it's 30 to Uber him home. I had to get him out of there. He's tossing and turning, like you said, screaming in the Uber because he got kicked out. So that becomes the driver's problem. So my rating goes down. He gets home, he sends this email, says, urgent. I left it in the car. So now I'm talking to this Uber driver. He's like, all right, it's an extra $20. I'm like, go ahead, ding me for it. We got to get this draft going. 50 bucks. And then, like, another 10 minutes later, I hear from Brad, abort, abort. It's fine. I had the phone all along. So this whole. This whole skit cost me 50 bucks. Kicking Brad out.

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks for the laughs, Tony.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, there you go, Tone.

[Bill Simmons]

And now Brad. It's been five days, and he's still, like, genuinely mad.

[Cousin Sal]

Yeah, he's. He's reported to other people. I think he's. He's spared me of it because he's already cost me 50 bucks and some hardship. But, yeah, he's. He's plotting his revenge. So that's gonna be fun.

[Bill Simmons]

What does Brad's revenge look like? And does this become like, a Hulu true crime documentary? Like, there's Nobody's gonna die, right?

[Cousin Sal]

I don't think so. Is he poured nerds down Tony and Joel's throat in the middle of the night when they don'. I don't know. No, nobody's gonna die. All right. Brought to you by Uber Eats.

[Bill Simmons]

Uber. Yeah, we worked Uber back in the thing. Well, I missed Brad at the draft. It was good to see him. All right, so plugs for you. You're on the Ringer gambling show, which we're doing live on YouTube Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. I thought we had a spectacular first week.

[Cousin Sal]

Lots of fun, man.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, I was power walking around on Wednesday listening to you and House and De Bundo.

[Cousin Sal]

Just how great you like that one especially.

[Bill Simmons]

Yeah, well, yeah, walking around, I was like, this is great. This could go on for four hours.

[Cousin Sal]

You're done. Good. I'm with Tate on Tuesdays. He had the Bundo in House on Wednesday and the Bundo and Heifetz on Friday. The Bundle's gonna hate me by. By probably playoffs. But all the shows are a lot of fun, informative, and live, like you said, noon Eastern, Monday through Friday. You fill the slot there. Right there.

[Bill Simmons]

And then your Friday Rigger 107. Yeah, and then. And then the Sunday ringer pre game, which I watched the entire one today, which was excellent.

[Cousin Sal]

What was your pick? Your pick one, didn't it? Denver, Moneyline, Seattle plus three and a half.

[Bill Simmons]

Oh, that did win. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one Bear Theory scraped it out. All right. Try to protect your clothes from your kids. I'll do the same, and I'll see you in a week. Good job by you.

[Cousin Sal]

Good job by you, buddy.

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks to everybody for staying on the live podcast. Thanks to Cahao and Eduardo as well. Don't forget Prestige TV podcast Task. Great show, Sal. You gotta watch Task. We broke it down the first episode. We? Me, Joanna and Mahoney. And then new rewatchables coming tomorrow. We did Legend of Billie Jean with Helen Slater and Christian Slater. Oh, you probably don't have a ton of thoughts about that one, do you? Maybe.

[Cousin Sal]

No, I don't have anything fair.

[Bill Simmons]

Sort of.

[Cousin Sal]

I. I really don't.

[Bill Simmons]

I might.

[Cousin Sal]

I might go watch Helen Hunt. I might watch that scene over and over again. I do like that scene in the kitchen.

[Bill Simmons]

You should watch the last five minutes of. Of the Ravens Bills game because I.

[Cousin Sal]

Didn'T catch the result.

[Bill Simmons]

The Bills won. Yeah, I think you.

[Cousin Sal]

I don't believe you. You're a good friend, but I don't believe you with this kind of stuff.

[Bill Simmons]

Thanks, everybody. Sit down. Bye.

[Cousin Sal]

See you. By.

[Bill Simmons]

Must be 21 + in President select states for Kansas in affiliation with Kansas Star Casino or 18 + in President D.C. kentucky or Wyoming. Gambling problem call 1-800- gambler or visit rg-help.com, call 1-887-89-7777 or visit ccpg.org chat in Connecticut or visit mdgamblinghelp.org in Maryland. Hope is here. Visit gambling helpline ma.org or call call 800-327-5050 for 24. 7 support in Massachusetts or call 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text Hopeny in New York.