The Bill Simmons Podcast

The Pats Grow Up, Nobody Believes in the Jags, the Bears are a Sports Movie, and Guess the Lines With Cousin Sal

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Bill Simmons
Guest: Cousin Sal

Episode Overview

This holiday edition of The Bill Simmons Podcast dives deep into an unpredictable NFL week, breaking down big storylines: the New England Patriots’ surprising comeback win, the ascendance of Drake May, another "nobody believes in us" moment for the Jacksonville Jaguars, the Bears turning late-game heroics into movie-worthy drama, and rampant playoff chaos across both conferences. Bill and Cousin Sal get into game-by-game insights, MVP races, coaching agita, fanbase insanity, and weave in their weekly "Guess the Lines" segment for an extra helping of holiday chaos.

Patriots-Ravens Recap & Drake May Praise

Theme: The Patriots took down the Ravens in Baltimore with a fourth-quarter comeback, improving to 12–3, a result that flips AFC playoff expectations and sets off MVP recalibration for rookie Drake May.

• Opening Sentiment (03:06–04:12):
  • Bill and Sal, both surprised by the win, joke about Drake May’s unflappability.
  • Sal: “You just cannot scare Drake May. I tossed plastic spiders at him. I threw a shark in his bed one night. I brought him to the top of Mount Vesuvius and tried to push him off. You can't do it, Bill!” (03:40)
  • Bill: “I hid in his closet once with a Michael Myers mask on. He was not phased.” (03:59)
• Key Moments:
  • The Patriots’ depleted roster—missing all offensive tackles and lead RB—but Drake May and Stefon Diggs deliver, especially on deep balls.
  • Sal laments Ravens’ coaching: “Why didn’t they play Derrick Henry in the last seven minutes?” (04:12)
  • Lack of injury info—frustrations with real-time NFL reporting.
• Big Picture:
  • May’s huge stat line (31 for 44, 380 yards, 2 TDs) vaults him into the MVP top tier.
  • Updated MVP odds: Stafford favored, May jumps to +175 (07:33–07:54).
  • Bill: On May’s development—needs to limit the “one or two dumb plays per game.” (07:58)
• Coaching Decisions:
  • Criticism of Mike Vrabel’s “terrible fake punt” on 4th and 10 (08:36).
• On the NFL Calendar (09:34):
  • Both lament the league-wide injury epidemic: “Do we really need an 18-game season?”

The AFC Playoff Picture: Any Given Sunday

AFC is Wide Open
Key Discussion (12:13):

• Denver, Pats, and Jags all bunched at the top; four teams set for Christmas eliminated, leading to a rare NFL ratings “win” for the NBA.
• Sal: “It’s one thing to be eliminated, but when it’s Josh Johnson vs. Dak Prescott, when it’s Max Brosmer vs. Jared Goff...that’s bad times.” (12:13)
• Bill and Sal agree: No AFC team is dominant. Everyone’s “case for, case against” is plausible.
  • Sal: “What are the talking heads going to say? ‘No way New England beats Jacksonville/Denver in January.’ It’s just for clicks. That’s not true.” (15:08)
• On Houston/Texans’ collapse: “I don’t know what happened to that team today.” (15:24)
• Notable Fantasy Moment: Bill mourns his playoff elimination after a poor C.J. Stroud performance.

Are the Patriots for Real? (12:57):

• Bill (asks Sal): “Do you think the Patriots are good enough to make the Super Bowl?”
  • Sal: "I'll say it. Yes, yes." (13:48)
  • They agree AFC path is possible, but both see the Rams a “class up” in the NFC.

The Bears: Living a Sports Movie

• Chicago's Miracle Season (17:12):
  • Bill: “That Bears-Packers game was the dumbest win of the year, probably the last couple years.”
  • Bears now have the most wins after trailing in the final two minutes since 1970 (43:41).
• Memorable Moment:
  • “Caleb [Williams] has the best throw of the year to win the game. That was nuts.” (17:12)
• Sal: “The onside kick is insanity. Dobbs is treating it like it’s covered in rhinoceros shit.” (17:42)
• Both marvel at Chicago’s string of late-game comebacks and how “they always seem to get out of second-and-20s.”

The NFC Playoff Mess & Coaching Carousel

Detroit Lions’ Collapse & Steelers’ "Voodoo"

• Lions, decimated by injury, can’t run the ball—window may be already closed (24:51).
• Steelers keep stacking ugly wins; Tomlin clinches 19 straight .500+ seasons:
  • Bill: “They have a syllabus of shitty, stupid, ridiculous Steeler wins.” (22:29)
• Dan Campbell’s future as Fox pregame show candidate gets batted around (24:49).

Pittsburgh’s Identity: Rogers’ Renaissance (25:10):

• Bill: “He has three throws he can make...it’s like Tecmo Bowl in college—just gotta guess which one.”
• Sal suggests maybe Steelers have a “Ewing Theory” effect without T.J. Watt.
• Bill compares his tennis game aging to Rodgers’ “old guy” up-and-down play (31:10–31:51).

Jaguars: “Nobody Believes in Us”...Until Now

Jaguars Earn Respect (Builds from 35:15):

• Sal: Lawrence “excellent, taking off for first downs, flying horizontal to the ground.”
• Bill: “Was as good as Drake May was in the Sunday night game. Like, really, pushing all the buttons. I’ve never seen him play like that.” (35:27)
• Jags release a “nobody believes in us” video before the game, then back it up—Bill: “I’ve never seen someone aggressively market nobody believes in us and then back it up.” (42:17)
• Lawrence’s turnaround, defensive line pressure, ETN’s improvement all fuel a six-game win streak.
• AFC South chaos: hypothetical with “three playoff teams, had Daniel Jones not been hurt.”
• Sean Payton’s field goal decision, down 17: “You need two touchdowns...got to go for that.” (39:02)

Around the League: Quick Hits

Texans’ Struggles, Chiefs’ Rock Bottom, NFC South Madness

• Texans offense derailed without Woody Marks; Raiders almost upset them (26:53).
• Chiefs stuck in “rock bottom,” Kelsey existential crisis—"Feel bad for Kelsey, he's a Hall of Famer...just kind of running around this fucking Titans game" (52:45).

Panthers-Bucs: Coaching and Fanbase Meltdowns

• “I watched the entire game. I have no idea how the Panthers won.” (48:10)
• Tampa subreddit flamed with “Fire Todd Bowles,” “Burn it all down.”
• Both lament Tampa’s mismanagement of skill players—and that their division is somehow still up for grabs despite a six-of-seven losing slide.

Offensive Rookie of the Year Race (52:01):

• McMillan the heavy favorite, Shuck +430, Igbuka 17-1—all from the NFC South.

Guess the Lines: Holiday Edition

• Usual mix of successes and whiffs, with Bill struggling: “I haven’t been off like this all year. This is four games I’ve been off by four points.” (75:22)
• General sense that Vegas inflated lines for the holidays.
• Notable proposed strategy: “Money line against the Giants, Jets, Titans, and Raiders – how many do you get right over 12 games?” (67:55)

Parent Corner

• Sal: Struggles with his teenage son, Jack, befriending bar regulars at a local Steelers haunt. “He likes these strangers better than me.”
• Bill: Describes being the “shit-stirrer” in his family, now an empty-nester with returning college kids. Laments the modern need to resolve/“address” every sarcastic comment.
• Discussion: The weirdness of adult friend groups formed via your kids, Christmas cards from people “nobody recognizes,” and the social gauntlet of elementary school parent dynamics.

Memorable Quotes & Moments (by timestamp)

• "You just cannot scare Drake May." — Sal (03:40)
• "I've tried it. I tossed plastic spiders at him. I threw a shark in his bed one night. I brought him to the top of Mount Vesuvius and tried to push him off… couldn't scare him." — Sal (03:40)
• "I'm not allowing myself to think about it like in a real way." — Bill, on Patriots' Super Bowl chances (13:48)
• "The onside kick is insanity. Dobbs is treating it like it’s covered in rhinoceros shit." — Sal (17:42)
• "They have a syllabus of shitty, stupid, ridiculous Steeler wins." — Bill (22:29)
• "Jake Paul takes that [punch] and his teeth go into his tongue." — Bill, post-fight banter (89:21)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:06] Patriots comeback, Drake May's potential, MVP race shifts
• [12:13] AFC playoff chaos, why no team is safe
• [17:12] Bears’ wild comeback vs Packers, living the "sports movie"
• [24:51] Lions’ collapse, window closes, Steelers’ weird wins
• [35:15] Jaguars break through, “nobody believes in us” becomes reality
• [42:17] Jags’ social media video, new era of team motivation
• [52:45] Chiefs-Titans, Kelsey sadness, fanbase distress
• [66:02] Guess the Lines segment, holiday line inflation
• [88:19] Boxing: Joshua-Paul spectacle, Sal and Bill reflect on their betting
• [92:52] Parent Corner: parenting, family roles, and holiday reflections

Tone and Banter

As ever, the episode brims with sharp, playful sarcasm and the classic Simmons/Cousin Sal back-and-forth. Both commiserate about their losses (in fantasy, betting, and football faith), call each other's teams “voodoo” and “zombie” versions, and commiserate about the wear-and-tear of the NFL—on players and fans alike. They blend deep analysis and statistical nitty-gritty with loose, familial humor.

Takeaways

• Patriots are officially dangerous—Drake May is here, the AFC is ripe for a surprise.
• Jags earned believers—the most aggressive "nobody believes in us" demonstration in recent memory.
• Bears bring non-stop entertainment & chaos; don’t bet against them to make one more miracle.
• NFC South is the epitome of frustration, both in play and coaching.
• NFL’s parity and injuries make betting/picking nearly impossible—the hosts poke fun at their own losing records.
• Parenting/family themes ground the episode with relatable stories about growing kids and growing old.

For New & Returning Listeners

This episode is packed with both macro takes on the NFL landscape and micro-level, riotous game recaps, all through the lens of two die-hard fans/degenerate gamblers. If you missed it, you'll be caught up on the playoff races, QB trajectories, major storylines, and the odds of both heartbreak and hope—plus you’ll get a dose of classic holiday family madness.