The Bill Simmons Podcast

Episode: The Voodoo Steelers, NFC South Comedy, an Eagles Theory, Guess the Lines Round 1, and Jaylen’s Crazy Year With Cousin Sal
Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Bill Simmons
Guest: Cousin Sal

Episode Overview

This action-packed episode dives into a bizarre slate of NFL games leading into the playoffs, focusing on the unpredictability and outright comedy of the AFC and NFC South, the mystifying staying power of the Steelers ("the voodoo Steelers"), what went wrong for the Ravens, a theory on the Eagles’ odd Week 18 decision-making, and a robust lookahead to Wild Card Weekend including classic “Guess the Lines” with Cousin Sal. Simmons and Sal also debate end-of-season awards like MVP and Coach of the Year and sprinkle in some broader sports commentary, gambling stories, and parenting confessions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Mystique of the "Voodoo Steelers" (03:19–14:07)

• Steelers Dissected: Simmons and Sal react in bewilderment to how the Steelers "just find ways to win" in ugly, improbable fashion.

  • Bill Simmons: “The voodoo Steelers. The garbage Steelers. The what the fuck Steelers. What are they, Sal? I don’t know how they do it. I honestly don’t.” (03:17)
  • Cousin Sal: “They don’t lay down if they’re around in the fourth quarter. It’s a mess. They’re a hard out for sure.” (11:58)

• Steelers-Ravens Drama:

  • Two Ravens safeties colliding opened a window for a key Steelers play.
  • Simmons calls it "a bizarre game" with the Ravens blowing their playoff chance due to missed kicks and lack of offensive rhythm—another cold-weather January disappointment for Lamar Jackson.
  • Ongoing skepticism about Lamar’s big-game credentials: “The problem is, his parents named him January Lamar and they did it sarcastically. So he never really had a chance once the calendar turned.” – Sal (10:47)
  • Pittsburgh’s improbable playoff entry analyzed; their “Steelers special” bet hit again: Opponent to win the first half, Steelers to win the game, “only hit in week one and week 18.” (08:35, 08:41).

2. NFC South Farce & Playoff Fallout (14:07–26:15)

• NFC South Comedy: Both hosts marvel at the division’s ineptitude—three 8-9 teams, drama over tie-breakers, and the ludicrous ways teams clinched or lost playoff spots.

  • Sal: “Literally nobody wanted it.” (14:42)
  • Coaches and GMs losing their jobs right after big moments—”The Falcons win, and they celebrated by firing their coach and the GM right after the game.” (15:33)

• Carolina's Playoff Nod: The Panthers (8-9) snag a home playoff game, a source of much comic banter for both hosts.

  • Debate over whether incentives or wink-wink deals could be given to other teams’ quarterbacks to change outcomes (“Probably no part of that's legit. Really?” – Simmons, 16:57)
  • Playful riffing about hypothetical Panthers “division title” gear for the Falcons, had the tiebreaker ping-pong swung further (17:15–17:39)

• Awards Chatter:

  • Sal lobbies for Ben Johnson as a Coach of the Year longshot, arguing he "did the worst-to-first thing" with the Patriots.
  • Recap and debate of who deserves MVP, with bracketing of May vs. Stafford (see “Awards Debates” below).

3. The Eagles Theory & Resting Starters (26:15–31:07)

• Simmons theorizes the Eagles may actually prefer playing on the road, given their “fan base hate” and “awkwardness when things don’t go well.”
  • “Is it possible they just don’t want to play at home because their fans hate them—even though they won the Super Bowl last year?” – Simmons (29:34)
  • The Day of the Backup QBs: Detailing how no one stepped up with one big game to “steal the bag." Critique of Trey Lance: “I’m willing to say that was a bad trade. Three first rounders for Trey.” – Sal (28:40)

4. Wild Card Preview & Playoff "Guess the Lines" (31:07–84:31)

a. Parody, Parity, and Nobody Believes in Us:

• Multiple home underdogs on Wild Card Weekend for the first time in recent memory.
  • “We've done three games and they're all home underdogs. This is the fucking playoffs where the higher seed should have an advantage.” – Simmons (74:03)
• Deep “manifesto” rationale about how the playoff field is unusually wide-open, with no team universally trusted to win two straight games.
  • “Is this the least confident you are as a bettor going into the playoffs? …I see major flaws in all these teams.” – Sal (31:07)

b. Game-by-Game Line Guessing Highlights:

• Rams at Panthers (Shakies game): Line guessed at -7.5, actual line is -10.5 (64:12)
  • Simmons: “I know I sound crazy. I don’t mind this Panthers team.”
• Bears vs. Packers (Sat night): Stunned to find Packers are 1.5-point favorites on the road; gives the Bears “Nobody Believes In Us energy.” (66:29-68:12)
• Bills at Jags: Both find the +1.5 spread tiny, with Sal noting, “I like the Jags a little bit” and predicting sharp gamblers will lean that way. (72:22-73:28)
• Steelers as Playoff Mainstays: “There’s just no scenario where the Steelers are going to be favored in this game… Texans minus two and a half in Pittsburgh” – Simmons, with Sal in disbelief. (82:00–83:02)
• Line Guessing Dynamics: Several discussions about the historic rarity of four home underdogs in the playoffs and whether these lines reflect the public’s or bookmakers’ lack of trust in “better” teams. (84:31–85:13)

c. Playoff Team Evaluations and Matchups:

• Multiple segments ranking how much they trust various QBs (e.g., “Is Sam Darnold outside your top 3 QBs to trust in this playoffs?” – Sal, 53:10)
• Steelers’ ability to generate “horseshoe up the ass” wins; skepticism about both Bears and Eagles as favorites or trustworthy home teams.
  • “If you play their schedule a few times, you get some 8-9 results…” – Simmons (68:17)
• Anticipated league/TV-preferred Super Bowl matchups (Rams/Bills, Bills/Eagles), examining playoff odds and longshots (61:01–62:38)

5. Awards Debates – MVP & Coach of the Year (33:23–43:32)

• MVP Race: Swirling between Stafford and May. Stats and recency bias versus overall impact and narrative.
  • “Anytime you could lead somebody to a five seed, you got to send them the hardware.” – Simmons (34:53)
  • On May’s dual-threat ability: “He’s led the league in completion percentage and yards per attempt.” – Simmons (36:01)
  • Notable discussion on whether Stafford’s cushy situation or May’s all-around play is more valuable.
• Coach of the Year: Ben Johnson, Mike Vrabel, and Mike McDonald cases discussed, with particular emphasis on analytics and team turnaround narratives.

6. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Steelers Magic: “It’s like throwing meat over the cage to the lion. This is all they need. This is how they live.” – Simmons, on the Steelers being playoff underdogs (83:02)
• On Announcers/Tri-booth Broadcasts: “Their usage rate was both Westbrook 2017—like, whoever was over half court got to shoot, but the announcing version of it.” – Simmons, riffing on too-chatty analysts cluttering a broadcast (21:16–22:44)
• Classic Sarcasm about Bad Divisions: “The only way the NFC South can get more ridiculous...” – Simmons, imagining Falcons celebrating in Panthers’ division title gear (17:15)
• Parenting Tech Anxieties: “Now you just pull your phone out… My wife is just like, well, I can’t go to bed until Ben comes back… he’s right in that zone of should I still be worried when he’s out?” – Simmons on parents’ tracking apps (97:20–98:36)

7. Parent Corner (90:11–101:52)

• Sal: Shares the comedy of being stuck at a supersized fishing store with his son for an hour and a half, faking a nap in a tent while his son browses lures.
  • “I zip myself up in the tent, lay down on the cot in the tent, and watched whatever bowl game I was losing money on. You let me know when you’re done.” – Sal (92:42)
• Simmons: Discusses the challenge of letting go as a parent, with his 18-year-old son coming and going late at night, and the dilemma of whether to stay awake or just trust him.
  • “What is the right age to let go?” (97:20)
  • Amusing side-notes about using apps like Life360 to track their kids in real time.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Steelers-Ravens Recap & Voodoo Team Talk: 03:19–14:07
• NFC South/Carolina Joke: 14:07–26:15
• Eagles Theory/Backup QBs: 26:15–31:07
• Parity Playoffs / Home Dogs: 31:07–44:31
• Awards Debates (MVP, COY): 33:23–43:32
• Guess the Lines, Wild Card Previews: 44:31–84:31 (detailed per-game guessing, with lively debate and season context)
• Parent Corner: 90:11–101:52

Tone & Language

• Breezy, sarcastic, classic Simmons-and-Sal banter.
• Irreverence toward NFL parity and coaching failures.
• Generous with self-deprecation (“You didn’t hedge? I went raw dog.” – Simmons, 85:53), inside jokes, gambling misery commiseration.
• Frequent use of colorful but not explicit language (e.g., “horseshoe up their ass,” “turd sandwich”).

Final Takeaways

• Unpredictability reigns supreme: No dominant teams, multiple home playoff underdogs, and outright comedy in the South.
• Steelers lore continues—no one trusts them, yet no one wants to face them.
• The MVP debate captures the struggle to weigh narrative, stats, and circumstance.
• Simmons’ unique theories (Eagles road preference, “Nobody Believes In Us” energy, playoff mythology) punctuate the fan experience in 2026.
• Parent Corner grounds the episode with relatable humor about modern parenthood and sports fandom across generations.

Classic Quote Summary:
“This is the fucking playoffs where the higher seed should have an advantage...” – Simmons on the 2025–26 NFL playoffs. (74:03)

“They don’t lay down if they’re around in the fourth quarter. It’s a mess. They’re a hard out for sure.” – Cousin Sal on the voodoo Steelers (11:58)

Recommended for:
NFL fans, bettors, award-race enthusiasts, and anyone who enjoys sports talk that blends sharp analysis with a heavy dose of comedic commiseration.