Savannah Bota (0:05)

Hi, guys. Welcome back to the Blondest podcast. I am your host, Savannah Bota, and today I'm going to be doing a solo dolo podcast. Because I just want to talk to you guys. Just us girls or boys, if y' all are here, that's okay, too. But I've been going through so much change in my life lately, and I feel like I'm, like, beginning this new chapter, which is so terrifying, but also so exciting. It's crazy, because I think, you know, you go through these phases, especially like, in your later 20s, early 30s, that you just reevaluate your life and you take stock about what's working, what's not working, where you want to go. Like, shit gets more real. Um, I feel like my 20s, like, everything, you know, happened for me. I became a business owner, I became a mother, I became a wife. I became so many things, and so much of myself was given to others and filling everyone's buckets of who I'm supposed to be. And that's why, honestly, if people like Savannah's been gone a lot and traveling, I have to get out of my bubble. I've just. Just had this itch to just leave and try to figure out who I am. Because when I'm home, like, you know, I work for myself, so I'm constantly working, or I'm with my son and I'm in meetings for, you know, companies that I'm working with and conferences that I'm speaking at. And it's just, like, I had to take a step back and be, like, every second of every day, like, I'm not able to figure out what's next. Like, I'm so living in the present, but I want to be more future thinking and just see the bigger picture and kind of like, I guess, bird's eye view, like, zoom out of this life. Like, I feel like I'm so zoomed in right now on everything that's happening, and it's hard to take a bigger step back and, like, see the full picture of everything, if that makes sense. But I did a call with an astrologer, and you guys know my beliefs. I've talked about this a million times. And I love this astrologer because she incorporates God. I'm a Christian, and, you know, a lot of people are going to either hate this or love this, as everyone has their own beliefs and they're entitled to that. For me, everything is God. Everything. The universe, the stars, the moon, the sun, the planets. He created it all. And so I feel like astrology is like, his little breadcrumbs to have us look a deeper look into ourselves. And again, like, I'm not on this to like make you guys believe the way that I believe. I'm just sharing my viewpoint in life. I'm big on manifestation, manifestation. I'm big on the law of attraction. I'm big on just, you know, taking control of your life. But for me, everything is through God. And for the longest time I had this inner battle between myself because I felt so drawn towards my spirituality, but I also felt so drawn towards God. And it wasn't until I did a lot of deep self healing and therapies that I realized it's all connected and it's all through him. And I still like hot take. But I believe every religion, like we're all praying to the same God in different ways. And our court, our cultures are what differentiate, like the stories and the things that are happening. But like, God is everywhere and God is all of us, you know, and in all of us. So anyway, she was telling me every nine years you go through these really big cycles and I'm about to start a new one and end one that I went through. And I've already been feeling that before she even said that. And it just kind of all registered for me. And yeah, I wish I had the answers to tell you guys, like, what I've learned from that because it's just really beginning. But I've known it and I felt it for a really long time. And I know I'm being so vague, but it's because I have to be again, you guys know, when I can share. I totally will. We're just not there yet. So. Yeah, it's just been a lot of like, figuring out how to heal from childhood trauma, how to heal from the things that, you know, have shaped us into the people we are today. And I've always said, you know, I think there's two people in the world, one that's a victim and something bad happens in their life. Or maybe a multitude of bad things happen in their life and like, that's their reason that they can't be in a healthy relationship. That's their reason why they can't go chase their dreams. That's why they can't have relationships with other people. Or that's why, you know, they're stuck in their own misery and they're allowing all of the bad shit that's happened to them to continue to be bad. I'm that kind of person that a lot of bad shit happened to me too. And I never like to compare, you know, apples to oranges, because your worst is your worst. And I tell that to my clients, too, that struggle with acne, and they're like, oh, well, you've probably seen people that have worse skin. Like, I'm being dramatic. I'm like, if this is the worst your skin has ever looked to you, it is just as bad as the client that has a full face of cystic acne. Your worst is your worst. I don't like when people compare trauma to trauma. Like, what you've experienced is the worst thing that you've experienced. And it feels just as bad as the person who went through losing their entire family or whatever it might be, may reign that back. I'm trying to remember I don't have Tyler here to put me back on track, okay? And then there's people that have something really bad that happened to them, and they let that be the reason that they are great and that they change and they do better and they want better for themselves. And that's where I'm at with my life, and that's what I've done with my business and everything. Like, I was never supposed to be successful. I was never supposed to be, you know, where I am today. Like, it wasn't just luck, but a lot of it was just changing my viewpoint on my life and deciding that there's nobody coming to fucking save me but myself. You know, there's not a man that's going to come sweep me up and take care of me and provide for me and create financial stability for me. My parents aren't going to do that for me. My parents don't have a trust fund waiting for me. My parents didn't give me money to start my business. Like, it was all me, and I had to trust and rely on myself. And I think when I look back, it's a lot easier that I did all this in my early 20s, 18, 19, 20, 21, because I had nothing to lose. I didn't have a child. I wasn't married. You know, I was like, why not go all in? I'm young. I can make mistakes. Now if I had to do everything again, which, you know, it's harder for me to coach, I guess, in a way, when people ask me, like, how would I do it if I did it all over again? I. I couldn't, you know, Like, I don't think I have that drive in me to start the way I did. You know, I just have a lot more going on. I'm a mother. Yeah. I Mean, being a mom in itself is a full time job. It's, it's a lot, it's hard, it's beautiful, wonderful, but it, it is hard. So, yeah, I tried my best to just, you know, know that this was a pivotal point for me at that time. That like this would write my future and I could either spend it, you know, partying and drinking and hanging out with a bunch of losers, or I could completely rewire my life and focus and just push myself to my fullest potential. I've talked about this before on my platform and on my podcast, but I think the biggest and hardest thing for me was I was just cockblocking myself. And I did that in relationships with guys. I did that in friendships. Like as soon as something started to feel good and safe, I would ruin it because I was scared of how it would feel not to have it, if that makes sense. So I'd like destroy it before I could even get to its best point. Because the fear of losing something that felt so good, you know, that wasn't in my control was scary. So I would put control back and in however I could. And if it was going to be ruined, it was going to be me. It wasn't going to be the other person. And I think I had this deep feeling that I didn't deserve to be happy, I didn't deserve love, I didn't deserve anything good out of life. And I think that's a hard place to be. And I think a lot of people are like that without knowing it. And I think the first step is like recognizing your patterns and recognizing how you self sabotage. So for an example, you know, if I wanted to lose weight, I would go to the gym, I'd start working out, I would be like really good about it. And then I'd come home and I would like eat something that I wasn't supposed to. Like let's say like two cookies or you know, I went and got McDonald's or whatever it would be so that when I stepped on the scale the next morning to see if I'm, you know, losing weight and I didn't see the number, I wanted to see I could be like, well, it wasn't because I didn't work out hard enough. It was because I ate that cookie. Like I was always giving myself an excuse or always trying to ruin something for myself or if I studied really hard for a test, you know, and then I would like purposely not study the day before or whatever it was. Like I would skip a day or whatever it was. So that when I didn't get the grade that I wanted to get, I could say, well, if I had studied that day, like, I would be. I would have gotten the grade I wanted to get. Or if I didn't eat that cookie, I'd be at my goal weight. So it was always, like, an excuse. There was always a reason I didn't put both feet in, ever. I always had one foot in, one foot out with anything that I did in life because failure was so scary to me. And losing, like, I again struggled a lot with my mental health, eating disorders, depression, anxiety. Like, you can name it, I had it. Abandonment, wounds, insecurities, not knowing how to have relationships with other people, everything. And so it was just scary to allow myself to be great. And a lot of it, too, I think, was just the fear of having it all and still not being enough. You know, it's like almost like this carrot dangling that you see. Like, you could have your perfect body, you could have a healthy relationship with a man. You can have, you know, an amazing career if you, you know, just focus and study hard. But it was like, what if I get all that and I still am depressed and I'm still sad and I still don't love myself and I still feel this way? Like, that was so much more scary to me than, like, attempting to have a good life, if that makes sense. And I. I don't know if a lot of it was immaturity. I don't know. I mean, it's hard to say. Like, I'm still feel like I'm so young, and it's hard because I'm still growing. Like, I'm not finished my cycle of life. I'm not my 80s. I don't have, like, all this wisdom to look back on. I just know what I know now, and hopefully it's beneficial and hopefully it makes sense. I kind of black out when I speak on the podcast and on stage. If you've heard any of my talks, I always say that I never know what happens until it's over and I listen to it or hear what people say. But, yeah, I think the fear of having it all and still hating myself was so scary. And I've never actually said that out loud. That's why I kind of like doing solo podcast episodes, because it's kind of like therapy, because, you know, you get to talk and hear how you feel. And if I can give anyone advice, if you don't have a podcast or you don't want to say it publicly, write things down or do voice Memos to yourself. Like, there's like that little recording thing. I do that all the time now. Because once you just start talking, you'll answer a lot of questions for yourself that you don't know. I feel like we all are kind of in this, like, hamster. We all, every single day, you know, we wake up, we check our phones, we're on TikTok. It's all these distractions, social media, you know, Then if we have kids, that's another level. I mean, it's not a distraction as a job, you know, an obligation to our kids, but it is also a distraction. It takes you from yourself, you know, friendships that we have, whatever. So we wake up, we listen to music, we listen to a podcast over whatever it is. We don't journal. We don't have a couple minutes to even think about, like, the dreams we had the night before. Because I'll tell you something, I started praying to God and it has answered. I've always prayed to God, but praying in this specific way has answered a lot of questions for me. So I ask him, I say, God and my angels, like, whatever needs to happen or whatever you're trying to teach me or show me or a specific thing. Like if you have a conflict at work or with a person and you're trying to figure out, like, what you're supposed to do, say show me in my dreams and, and please give me the opportunity to remember it in the morning. Because we get so distracted, right? And ever since I've said that, like, it has helped me remember my dreams and what God is trying to teach me through those. So little tip. Anyways, we get up, we do all the things, we go and get in the car, we listen to music our entire drive and we're distracted. We're not thinking, we're listening, singing along to music or listening to a podcast. We get to work, we're talking with our co workers or clients all day. We get back in the car, we listen to more music, we go to maybe happy hour with our friends, and we're distracted. We get home, we turn on tv, tv and we go to bed. And we've never had a time to like, self check or check in with yourself and like, just sit with our thoughts and feelings. And that's why meditation is so amazing, or voice memos or writing, because it gives you an outlet to start listening to yourself. Like your subconscious is basically. And they're like screaming for you to listen to it, but we're distracting it with everything around us. And also hot fucking take But I think our world is designed that way to keep us small and to keep us in this hamster race so that we don't have higher thoughts and we don't have these amazing great ideas because they want us to, you know, be stuck in these little lives that we have and never want more or do more for ourselves. And I think that's sad. So I'm trying to change that. So, yeah, what is the point of this podcast? I don't fucking know. There's a lot of just me talking today, and I hope you guys enjoy this. And if you do, like, these kind of episodes, just, you know, let a girl know. Tyler won't be offended. He hates doing this. Sometimes I have to drag him here by his hairs. No, he loves the podcast. He loves you guys. But it is work at the end of the day. It's a lot of work, and it's exhausting. So where am I getting back to? You can either be a victim, or you can either let it be your strength. And again, I've tried to do that through everything I do and just rewrite my story. I never thought I'd make it to 21, nor did I want to. I'd pray every night. I didn't want to wake up, you know, and kind of how I talked about in our last episode, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And as someone who has struggled with multiple attempts of my life and therapy programs, everything you could imagine, I've done, you know, you never know it gets better till it does, and it does, like, slow at just every day changing that thought process and that story you tell yourself. Because I think a lot of my depression, while it is a chemical imbalance, a lot of it, you know, I think I perpetuated because it was easier to be sad and it was easier to be miserable than it was to imagine a happy life. Because, again, I was terrified of, like, if I have everything that's supposed to make me happy and I'm still not happy, how scary is that? And that's why it's hard, because people see my life and they see the life I built and the career I built, and they're like, how could this girl ever be sad again? And it's like, you just. You don't know anyone, you know, you just see what you see. Social media is such a highlight reel. And I try to share what I'm allowed to share and what I can share without, you know, getting in trouble with other people in my life. But, yeah, I Try to share as much as I can, but when I was younger and just starting this again, I had a lot of not self awareness and I shared a lot of things that, you know, I had to erase podcast because of it, because it was just not my story to share and not my place to share. So I try to just keep it very vague when it pertains to other people. And I've shared a lot about my parents and stuff, but again, you know, I'm trying to rebuild that relationship with them, even though it is very hard to do, but I want a relationship with them in somehow, some way. You know, is a lot of the shit that's happened, and you guys don't even know the half of it. That would be a death sentence to me and my mom ever talking again if I told you. Really everything. But, yeah, it's not important. It's not. I think that the truth is, it's just, you know, it's hard having a platform and also, like, wanting to have people know you, but also have boundaries for other people around you that you don't want to, like, share their dirt, you know, like, people that know my parents listen to this weirdly, like, why are y' all here? This is for the girls. The girls and the gays. Go away. But anyways, maybe they want skincare advice, but this is a sprinkle of skincare. I've said that a million times. I always hate when people are like, oh, like, Savannah's podcast is not even, like, about skin. And I'm like, sometimes, but sometimes it's not. It's like, it's just my life. It's just whatever we want to talk about. It's casual. But, yeah, anyways, so trying to rebuild that relationship. I get asked all the time about that. I think it's hard. I think, you know, as I became a parent, it made me look at my son and I'm like, a lot of the things that happened to me, like, I could never do, like, I don't care what mind frame I was in, I could just never do that. And again, I've gone through a lot these past couple months emotionally in my personal life, and, like, I could never have done that. But again, Cyrus is only three, so fuck, I don't know. Maybe I will when he's older. Hopefully not. You know, I hope I can be better. But I think that's really was what was hard for me to comprehend because, like, I forgave them. Everything was, like, fine and dandy. And then obviously, you guys know the situation. That happened that I've talked about on the podcast recently a couple months ago, like, that was, like, hurt a lot, and then just, like, becoming a parent. And I think that it's just a whole thing in itself, you know? But the thing that I always say is, like, you know, it's their first time living, too, and they did the best that they could with what they had. And it made me who I am today at the end of the day, right? Like, the good and the bad. Like, it shaped me into the woman I am today. And I'm proud of who I've become. And I don't know if I would have had that journey if I didn't go through what I went through. So I guess I'm thankful for it. I don't know. It's like, oh, it's a. It's a weird situation to be in where you're like, yeah, this happened, and it fucking sucked. And, like, that's true. But also, I'm a badass because of it. Like, if I had parents that thought I hung the stars and the moons, I don't know if I ever would have pushed myself to this level. Right. I don't know if I ever would have worked as hard as I did for the business that I have just to prove I'm wrong and just to say, I'm not gonna be the loser that's sleeping on your couch. I'm not gonna be, like, knocking on your door and my brother's door asking for money in my 40s. Like, I think a lot of that hurt me so deeply that all I had to do was win. And so I guess I'm thankful for it. Like, I really and truly don't think I would be where I am today if I had more supportive parents during that time. I think if they supported me, I would have been, like, that would have been enough. I think I just had this, like, mission to prove them wrong and make more money than they ever did. And. Yeah, I don't know. I know it's a lot. This is just Savannah talking, but I don't even know how long I've been talking for. Let's find out. Because I texted Tyler because he went to go get me water, because I left my water at home, which was horrible. Okay. I feel like this is long enough. I think this was a good episode. Besties. I fear if I keep talking, we'll start crying. So I hope you guys enjoyed this, and I love you and Happy Monday.