← The Bobby Bones Show
The Bobby Bones Show
5 Lessons from Grief, Brain Hacks for Focus, Finding Closure, & a Game-Changing Parenting Tip
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- [00:00]
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- [00:46]
Amy Brown
Little food for your soul. Life ain't always pretty, but hey, it's pretty beautiful. Thank you. Laugh a little more than tighten up your core. Said he can't. You're kicking it with four Things with Amy Brown.
- [01:03]
Happy Thursday. Four Things. Amy here. And I got four totally different things for you. It's what we call an OG4 things episode. Now, the first thing I'm going to get into is a heartfelt email that I got from a listener and she's sharing with us five lessons that grief has taught her. She unexpectedly lost her husband and her story is very, very powerful. Second thing, I got more brain exercises for you. Yeah, you'll like the ones that Kat and I went over on Tuesday. So I've got some more that'll help you boost concentration and beat distraction. And then the third thing is going to be about closure. Sometimes we crave it and we get stuck in a why trap and we can't move forward unless we have that full closure. So I've got some tips for you on that. This is something I had to revisit for myself recently, so I thought it might be helpful for you. And then the fourth thing, I've got a game changing tip for parents or co parents. I mean, this episode is definitely a mix of some heartfelt stuff and just really practical, helpful things. So hope you enjoy it. Here we go.
- [02:11]
First thing. That's right.
- [02:14]
All right, so the other day I was in my 4 things podcast email inbox and I saw an email come in from a listener named Audra. And in the subject line it said grateful young widow. So I clicked on it, knowing that it's probably going to be on the heavier side of things. And of course, as I read the email, I thought, oh my gosh, I can't even imagine going through what she went through. And I'm thankful that she's sharing some of her story in the email. And I'll read that to you in just a second. But what I was very grateful for that she included was in the email she talked about how at the five year anniversary of her husband's death, she decided to compile the top five lessons that grief has taught her and she took screenshot of that of what she put on socials at the five year mark and she attached it at the bottom of the email along with a picture of her and her kids from this last Christmas and a picture of her husband Ryan. So I love when there are photos I can put a face to a name and I'm just very thankful to Audra for opening up and sharing some of her her story with us and I know that this will be helpful for somebody listening right now. You may not be grieving the loss of a significant other, you may be grieving something else in life. But whatever you take from this, I know that'll be helpful whether for now or stick it in your your pocket for later because grief is unavoidable. Hey Amy, I wanted to share with you that I love listening to the Bobby Bones show and I look forward to Tuesdays and Thursdays to hear your little nuggets of wisdom for the week. They somehow always resonate with whatever I'm thinking about or going through at the moment. Five and a half years ago, my husband Ryan, who was 43 at the time, unexpectedly passed away. He had an undiagnosed heart condition, went into cardiac arrest and crashed while driving into work one rainy August morning. Because his heart had stopped, he went without oxygen for too long and suffered severe brain damage. He was put on life support and I had to make the decision to finally let him go. I suddenly became a widow at the age of 42 with three young children to raise. Alexa had just turned 14 in July, Olivia turned 11 five days after Ryan passed and my son Jace had just turned six in June. As you know, there are so many facets to grief and on the five year anniversary of Ryan's death this past year, I shared the top five lessons grief taught me. I knew by being vulnerable, it had to help someone else who was trying to navigate their way through grief. I've heard you talk about Pagosa Springs, Colorado often. I've never known anyone else to talk about this beautiful, quaint town. You see, a month before my husband passed away, we drove with our three kids from Iowa to meet up with my parents, sister, her family and brother who all also live in Colorado. We all went to Pagosa Springs for a week. We later realized it would be the last family vacation we would have with Ryan. We made so many memories and shared so many laughs on that trip. We even spontaneously had our family pictures taken while we were there. I thank God every day for those photos. I never got to visit your sister and brother in law's coffee shop, but I desperately want to go back one day. Pagosa Springs has a special place in my heart. I appreciate the pieces of your life's journey you've shared post divorce, navigating new relationships and just trying to do life without a partner. Ryan's death was tragic and he will always be a part of my life. But without the heartache, grief and pain, I would not have experienced true love with him or had the opportunity to figure out who I am, what I want in this life and what my journey is all about. For that I have gratitude and while I'm not dating currently, if and when the right man does come along, I will be going into the relationship as the best version of myself and have the ability to navigate the challenges of life with confidence, emotional maturity and grace. Kind regards, Audra so that's the email that she wrote and then as I mentioned, she attached what she posted on socials for the five year anniversary and the five lessons she has learned from grief. So I'm just going to read her entire post. In order to heal after loss, you you have to grieve. Grieving is a powerful emotion that evolves from a loss's impact on your heart. The grief journey becomes each person's unique story. It is non linear and undefined by timelines or hard, fast rules. Five years ago today, my husband Ryan was on his way into work. An unknown heart condition caused him to suddenly go into cardiac arrest. His truck veered off the road and crashed at the bottom of a steep ditch. Ryan's heart had stopped for too long and the impact of the crash was severe. On August 21, 2019, I was told there was no hope for recovery and I had to make a decision whether to leave him on life support. Because I knew what Ryan's wishes were, I finally let him go. The days in ICU with Ryan and the week that followed were the hardest, saddest days of my life. My journey to healing has taken a lot of time and work. I started by trying to pick up the biggest broken pieces first. I found a new normal for the kids and I put my heart and soul into making sure we were not only going to survive, but thrive. Working through grief and trauma has taught me so much, but I would say these are the top five lessons. 1. Grief is the price you pay for love. Grief has a lot of emotions attached to it that don't feel Good. There's anger, sadness, what ifs, resentment, and so much more. However, it's important to remember these feelings wouldn't exist if you hadn't experienced the greatest gift of love. Two events in your life become a before and an after. In the after, you're not the same person you are in the before. Since Ryan's death, I have been able to connect to the lost and forgotten parts of myself. I know I can do hard things. I love my people hard and make sure that they know and feel my love. I know who I am and I have a clear vision of the life I want to create. I find joy in life's smallest, simplest moments and cherish time in relationships others may take for granted. 3. I figured out there is meaning behind the five stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, acceptance. As I look back on my own grief journey, I saw myself in each of those stages without even realizing it. If you're open to it, a good therapist can help you unpack and identify the why behind the mix of emotions you're feeling. 4. Gratitude is a gift. However, it took me a long time to find it. After a traumatic loss. It is very difficult to see gratitude amongst the anger, sadness and tears. By giving myself grace and space, it has allowed me to see the blessings that I still had in front of me. A piece of healing is eventually finding the rainbow after the storm. 5. It's okay to not be okay. There are times when grief will still sneak up on you out of nowhere, but you know you're healing when you are able to acknowledge your feelings, let yourself feel what you need to feel and move forward without staying under the black cloud that grief can put you under. So there you go, the five lessons grief has taught her and she shared that on the five year anniversary of her husband's passing. So Audra, thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us. And I really hope you get to go back to Pagosa one day and take your kids and relive some of those memories that you'll had and have some of the laughter and it'll feel like your husband is there with you. Maybe even one day you go with a new partner and you find a partner that will allow Ryan to still be a part of your life, a part of your family, part of your kids lives. Believe it or not, there are some people that may not be able to handle something like that, but there is someone out there that would be able to take a trip like that and really make it special and acknowledge all of the the memories that were made and. And create new memories with you, but still having that presence of Ryan with y'all all the time without any fear that you don't care for them. You only care for Ryan. You can still love Ryan and love this new partner. And I only share this because Audra and I have been emailing back and forth a little bit since she sent this note. And I know she's not dating yet, and she mentioned that in the email, but there is hope and she may find someone at some point. And I don't know. In my mind, I'm just picturing them taking a trip to Pagosa all as one big happy family. And stopping by the coffee shop. You got to go by Root House. That will definitely be special. I love Pagosa. If y'all are ever in Southern Colorado, definitely swing through, sit in the hot springs, go for a hike, and then, yeah, Root House Coffee. Right along the river is my sister's coffee shop. And you can go get a cup of good coffee, a latte, or you can even have a cocktail. They serve those as well. Really good ranch waters, really good cinnamon buns now. Oh, quiche. Now. I'm just thinking all of the amazing things that my sister has on the menu there. But I love that you shared some of your story with us, Audra, and I know that it will resonate with somebody. Whatever it is that you are grieving, it may not be the loss of a partner. We all are going to grieve in life. It's unavoidable. But I especially loved Audra's first lesson that she shared. It's the price you pay for love, and that's one of the greatest gifts. So thank you, Audra.
- [12:46]
Second thing.
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On Tuesday's fifth thing, Kat and I went over ADHD exercises for focus and productivity. And today I've got more for you. But these are for focus and memory, the first brain hack skill exercise. If you heard Kat and I talking on Tuesday, she really did not like that I was calling these brain hacks. So whatever. I just feel like that's an easier way to say it. So the first brain hack I've got for you is the Memory Place game. And this is best for strengthening your working memory, which, if you've got adhd, you struggle with this, but maybe you don't have adhd, but you're like, oh, I am having some memory issues. This will work for you, too. So what you need to do is visualize a place you know well, like your house, assign objects or words to different rooms. This will help with recall. So an example would be if you need to remember your grocery list, Picture milk in your fridge, bananas on your couch, and bread in your bed. Now, the more ridiculous the imagery, the easier it is to remember. It's called the memory place game, and I know this sounds a little cuckoo, but it works. The second hack is the brain dump method. Now, this is best for racing thoughts or idea overload. What you need to do is set a five minute timer and write down every thought that is swirling in your head. No filtering. You just write, write, write, write, write. This helps clear mental clutter so that you can focus on what actually matters. And a little bonus tip for this is use different color pens for priorities versus random thoughts. Third brain hack, the dopamine menu. Now, this is for motivation. It really will help you beat boredom or task paralysis. So what you got to do is make a list of things that boost your dopamine, like music, movement, certain snacks, a book that you love, a show. What's something that boosts your dopamine? And when you need motivation, pick one dopamine booster first and then start your task. Before I do emails, I'll listen to one hype song. Or before I clean, I'll have a snack and put on my favorite podcast. That's a little dopamine menu. Like you make the menu and then you know what you're going to do before each thing to get your dopamine hit. Next hack is the clocks everywhere trick. This is best for time blindness. Now, ADHD brains lose track of time constantly. So what we gotta do is put visible clocks everywhere, not just on our phones. We need to have timers and alarms for everything. Set reminders five to 10 minutes before you need to leave. Like, if y'all were to open up in my clock app on my phone, you would see so many timers and alarms for everything. Because that's what I have to do to help keep myself on track. It's very helpful. Or if I'm in my house, I'll ask Alexa to set a timer for something. I just need this because time blindness is very, very real for me. All right, the final hack, which, honestly, I'm not even sure I could pull this one off, but it's called the one tab rule for productivity. It's best for preventing distractions while working. And let me tell you, an ADHD brain loves opening 100 tabs and and then forgetting what they're doing completely. This little tip wants you to commit to one tab at a time. If you need another. You write it down. Instead of opening up a tab immediately, you can only go back to it. Like, you write it down. And then when you're done with one tab, then you can type in what you need to do. Like, right now, on my computer, I have 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. I have 14 tabs open, which, honestly is not that bad. But I know what all those tabs mean, and I actually thrive with the tabs. But I'm sure there is something to the one tab role, and I'd probably thrive even more if I would try this tip out. But some of them I keep open because I know I'm going to go back to them. But I do see the idea behind executing getting rid of one tab. Boom. And then going to your list. What was the next tab I need to open? So one tab rule. If you want to try that one out, let me know if any of these work for you.
- [17:16]
David Eagleman
This is David Eagleman, host of the science podcast Inner Cosmos. For Valentine's Day, we're diving into the question, what is love from the brain's point of view? What does love have to do with how you were raised? Or the symmetry of someone's face or the smell of their underarms? Why does the character of love change throughout our lives? Why is heartbreak like drug withdrawal? And what does any of this have to do with sweaty T shirts or rom coms or monogamous animals and the future of love and AI? Join me for this week's Inner Cosmos. For a deep dive into the neurobiology of of love, listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [18:11]
Amy Brown
All right, let's talk about closure because, well, I think this is something that we've likely all struggled with at some point. Like whether it's a breakup or a friendship that fizzled or ended or just any situation that never fully has been resolved, it's really, really hard to move on without that final answer. And I will say sometimes we want to receive that final answer, but also sometimes we want to give other people closure because we feel like it will be good for them when maybe that's not necessarily our role. You may not have to provide that. So that's a whole nother thing to work through as well. But I read something from psychologist Kavya Srivastav. Totally not sure if I'm saying her name right, but I gave it my best shot, and it really hit close. To home. She said closure isn't about what the other person gives you. It's about how you process what happened. Now, the main reasons behind why we crave closure are pretty obvious. Obviously, it helps us find peace after being hurt. It stops us from just ruminating over it, obsessing over any unanswered questions that we have. It helps us move forward without lingering regrets of sorts. And pretty much, closure is like sealing an emotional envelope. That's how I visualize it in my head. Like, you're able to just close it shut without it. You keep going into the envelope to reread all the old stuff, the letters, the messages, and you try to make it make sense, and you can't. And the hard truth about closure is sometimes we think that it has to come from the other person. Like, we need to hear them explain or apologize or even validate whatever it is that happened. But that's not always going to happen again because they don't even owe it to us. Now, in some circumstances, yes, it's not a blanket statement, but let's just say for the sake of this thing, it's never going to happen. You're not going to get the closure. So then what? What do you do? Well, that's when you get stuck in the why trap, and you're like, why did they do this? Was it me? What could I have done differently? How could I fix it? And those types of questions will leave us spiraling forever. So the key for us is to accept that we don't need all the answers to move forward. And I have had to practice this multiple times in my adult life. And I wish I better understood this as a teen and a young, young adult as well, because the power of acceptance is so good. And now that I know acceptance, it just helps me. And I know that it could sound like if you're accepting that, you're just kind of rolling over and being like, okay, cool, you know, this horrible thing happened, and I'm fine with it. But that's not what the acceptance part is. Acceptance just means that you're not going to fight it. You're going to fight what's happening. It means instead of obsessing over why something happened, you focus on what you can do next. A little mantra that I had in my back pocket for 2020, 2021, 2022. Like, I was using this one a lot. I may not understand it, but I can heal anyway. Because there was so much I wasn't understanding and I didn't have answers to, but I knew I had the ability to heal anyway. Sometimes it was hard for me to just move on. I didn't like the idea of that. So I would think of it more as like moving along or moving forward. Like despite what was happening, I was going to move forward. Sometimes I would move backwards, but at least I was moving. It's a small shift from the word moving on to moving forward, but for me it made a big difference. It felt more practical and less forced. The energy is a little bit different. I don't know. See if that resonates with you. Like if you say moving, I'm moving on or I'm moving forward, there's different energy there. So then comes the time where you have to really give yourself closure again. It's not coming from the other person, it is coming from within you. At the end of the day, finding closure is you choosing yourself because you're not going to let those thoughts take up any more space rent free in your brain. So one thing you need to do, because who knows how long you've been thinking these thoughts. I mean, some of you listening right now, I know, are holding onto things from 10 years ago and you want closure and you have been wondering why for the last 10 years. Or maybe it was just 10 days ago. Well, this is going to be awesome for you to be reminded of this. I'm not saying anything new by the way. And I'm gathering a lot of different things that I was taught over the last five years that I learned. Some of this I picked up in Al Anon that is all about surrendering, releasing control. When you are stuck in trying to figure out the why of what happened and you are stuck wanting closure from somebody else. This is the opposite of surrendering. You have to focus on what you can control and you can't control that. So whether you've been trying to operate that way, like I said, For 10 years or 10 days, pause and forgive yourself for holding on for however long it was. Let go of any resentment towards the person. You don't want to carry that around and then prioritize peace. If you are waiting on that one last conversation or that one last explanation, just know that you don't actually need it. Your peace is within you. It's not dependent on what they do. This is honestly one of those things. Like when I was typing out what I wanted to say about this, I'm like, oh, I need to like email this to myself so I can go back and read it when I need it. Or maybe I'll just pull this part of the podcast and. And listen to it when I need it. Cause I think we all crave closure and we can know that this is what we need to do to let it go and not get all wrapped up in that we need answers from somebody else when we're trying to force it. Now, if someone wants to volunteer that information, that's totally fine, but does knowing that really change things for you fully? I know there are things that I have ended where I believe the person would appreciate more closure. And at the same time, I felt like what I was able to share was enough without getting wrapped back up into unhealthy patterns that we were in. So also, like I said at the beginning of this thing is sometimes we feel the need to over explain why we're making a decision so that we can protect that other person's feelings. That is not our responsibility as long as we're doing something in a kind way and staying on our side of the street. And what you're trying to do when you're trying to get closure from somebody else is you're going into their side of the street. You need to focus on your side of the street, whether you're the one wanting the closure or you're the one that is ending something and you feel like you need to give all of this closure so they feel better. I think you can express things in a concise, kind way on your side of the street, but if you start to get into all of the nitty gritty of, you did this and you did that, and that's not staying on your side of the street. And so sometimes it's best to just keep it brief and respectful and kind. The other person might be hurt by that. And you can feel it's okay to feel that pain. I have certainly felt it before. And it's not fun. It's not fun. But at the end of the day, we all have to protect our own peace. So I hope if there's something that you need to accept that this will be that final little kick in the pants to do it. Give yourself the closure you need. You're able to do it without anybody else.
- [26:35]
David Eagleman
This is David Eagleman, host of the science podcast Inner Cosmos. For Valentine's Day, we're diving into the question, what is love from the brain's point of view? What does love have to do do with how you were raised or the symmetry of someone's face or the smell of their underarms? Why does the character of love change throughout our lives? Why is heartbreak like drug Withdrawal. And what does any of this have to do with sweaty T shirts or rom coms or monogamous animals and the future of love and AI? Join me for this week's Inner Cosmos. For a deep dive into the neurobiology of love, listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [27:29]
Amy Brown
With Amy Brown.
- [27:34]
All right, this final thing is a parenting tip. But you don't have to be married parents to do it. You could be co parents. Now, I will say I was talking about this with one of my friends who has like a loser ex husband. Like, he is a loser with a capital L. So she was like, this would never work. Yeah, right. There's nothing positive about my kid's dad that I can say, because that's the tip, is to brag about your partner or your ex in front of your child or children. And she was like, I can't do it. I can't think of anything. And I'm like, surely you can think of something. And I know that she can. Deep down now, there might be someone that's even like, loser, all capital letters. And so in that case, you can just throw this tip out the window. I don't need you to find ways to brag about that type of person. But if you're in an okay ish to healthy relationship with your partner or your ex, hopefully if it's your partner, you're in a healthy relationship. But I guess I'm focusing on the ex thing since I'm divorced and my friend that I was talking to is divorced. But if you have opportunities to brag about your partner in front of your child or children, it's so good. It models kindness and appreciation at home. Your child will start to notice the small efforts that you and others put in. They'll also start expressing their appreciation out loud, which is huge, because here's the deal. If they hear us criticize or focus on someone's mistakes, they will learn to do the same. You know, our kids are paying attention to everything and picking things up like sponges. But Ben and I are really trying to do this. Like, we're trying to be complimentary of each other in front of the kids. And we try to have a united front so the kids don't try to take advantage of anything like, oh, I'm going to say this in front of mom and do this in front of dad and da, da, da. And they have this whole scheme going on. We talk about everything and we keep each other in the loop. So nothing's getting by us. And we're not always perfect. I've told stories on here before like our co parenting relationship is far from perfect, but this is also a challenge for me. Even though I already do it, I'm going to try to look for more opportunities to do it to brag on their dad in front of them and I may need to remind him to make sure he's doing that about me in front of them. I'm sure he does it all the time. I'm sure he can't help himself. Just kidding. Okay, well, that's it. That's today's episode. I hope y'all are having the day that you need to have and if you want to send us any of your thoughts about any of this or any story you have to share or anything going in your life or any question that you have for Kat and myself coming up on a fifth Thing episode or something for Outweigh that's coming up or you've got something on your mind that's Body image, Body dysmorphia, food related, that would fall into the Outweigh category. But you can email me at 4things with amybrownmail.com and just put out way in the title and I'll see that Leanne and I are going to be recording some episodes soon, so always like to see what y'all would like to hear about. So yeah, hope y'all are having the day that you need to have and I'll talk to you later. Bye.
- [30:52]
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