Podcast Summary: The Bobby Bones Show — "TAKE THIS PERSONALLY: Friendship Just As Important As Romance: Rethinking Connections, Community & Living"

Date: December 14, 2025
Guest: Raina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others

Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, the host welcomes Raina Cohen to challenge how we view relationships—arguing that friendship deserves as much weight in our lives as romance. Drawing from her book The Other Significant Others, Cohen shares personal stories, historical insights, and practical advice about building, maintaining, and celebrating platonic bonds, even as mainstream culture places romance at the center of fulfillment and adulthood. The conversation also explores communal living, the undervalued role of friendship, and how to foster deeper connections in our everyday lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origins and Motivation for Raina’s Book

[04:13]

• Cohen describes a close friendship that went beyond the term "best friends" as her starting point.
• She noticed that while such deep bonds felt unusual today, there was historical precedent for intimate, publicly acknowledged friendships.

Quote:
"We weren't even just best friends. Like that was too small of a term to describe how intertwined we were in each other's lives."
— Raina Cohen [04:18]

2. Friendship in History: A Lost Intimacy

[05:49]

• Sworn brotherhoods: Men pledging lifelong friendship in formal ceremonies, sometimes being buried together.
• "Romantic friendships" between same-sex friends were openly affectionate and not stigmatized.
• The 20th century's categorization of same-sex intimacy as potentially queer led to a narrowing of how friendships could be expressed.

Quote:
"Friendship... was publicly recognized, which we don't do now. And it was really treated with a lot of gravity."
— Raina Cohen [06:35]

3. Why Did Romance Eclipse Friendship?

[08:01]

• The invention of heterosexual/homosexual identities made close friendships suspect, especially between same-sex friends.
• Marriage evolved from a primarily transactional to an emotional union, absorbing the kinds of intimacy previously supplied by friendship.

Quote:
"If your spouse is supposed to be your best friend, that just doesn't leave a lot of room for your best friend."
— Raina Cohen [10:21]

4. Personal Experiences & Avoiding the "One Relationship" Trap

[11:29]

• Cohen recounts the pain of losing friendships to romance and intentionally builds her own partnership around community and independence.
• She and her husband avoid full relationship enmeshment, consciously make space for friendships, and practice “be individuals together.”

Quote:
"I didn't want the fragility of putting all of your eggs in one basket... those experiences made me really want to nurture friendships."
— Raina Cohen [12:24]

5. Communal Living: Practicing What She Preaches

[14:32]

• Cohen and her husband have lived with friends and their children in intentional communities, seeking to avoid isolation in parenthood and support all members.
• They hope to create a neighborhood anchored by multiple households of friends.

Quote:
"Part of that is there are several people who want to have children and want to do that in a way that doesn't feel isolating... we've seen people who have lived near their friends have much more support and much more fun."
— Raina Cohen [15:29]

6. Preventing the "Disappearing Friend" Phenomenon

[20:01]

• Cohen stresses recognizing the pain of losing friends to romance is valid and should be acknowledged.
• Advocates for honest conversations and intentional acts to keep friendships alive, even as life changes.

Quote:
"If someone is on the receiving end, where friends disappear—honor that it's difficult... then maybe open a conversation with a friend and not see it as inevitable."
— Raina Cohen [20:33]

7. Valuing Friendship for Singles and Couples

[23:26]

• Cultural messages dismiss single life, leading to internalized shame or the myth that life starts with romance.
• Research shows robust outside support networks benefit romantic relationships and personal well-being.

Quote:
"You can have a full life without a romantic partnership. You can also have a really sad life with a romantic partnership."
— Raina Cohen [23:50]

8. How to Be a Better Friend

[25:12]

• Erase rigid role distinctions; care based on need, not title.
• Prioritize frequent, regular contact—shared living or calendared meetups.
• Move through life together, not just narrate it after the fact.

Quote:
"Are you moving through life together or are you narrating life after the fact?"
— Raina Cohen [27:13]

• Celebrate friendships with rituals, create shared experiences, and make friends a visible priority.

Quote:
"Be more like a kid—go experience things together... celebrate the friendship, like we are used to celebrating romantic relationships."
— Raina Cohen [28:58]

9. Opportunities for Connection Often Hide in Plain Sight

[34:53]

• Being open to new interactions and taking risks (asking friends out, initiating gatherings) is as important for friendship as it is for romance.
• Technology can inhibit spontaneous connections, so intentionality is key.

Quote:
"One way to make friendship stronger is to take some of the expectations that come from the rewards and difficulties of the dating world and apply that to friendship."
— Raina Cohen [36:12]

10. Opposite Sex Friendships & Cultural Hangups

[41:43]

• Misconceptions about opposite-sex friendships persist, rooted in the idea that a romantic partner must fulfill every need.
• Conflating attraction of all kinds as inherently sexual limits potential for deep friendship.

Quote:
"We really conflate different forms of attraction and connection... there is this assumption that sexual desire underlies all forms of connection when actually it can be separate from those."
— Raina Cohen [43:20]

• The queer community offers a healthy model of cross-attraction friendship that straight culture still struggles to embrace.

11. Rethinking "Normal": The Importance of Asking What You Actually Want

[47:45]

• Encourages listeners to question social scripts—living alone, only with a partner, etc.—and consider who and what truly brings satisfaction.
• Non-judgment towards others' choices opens more possibilities for yourself.

Quote:
"Sometimes we operate on autopilot and we think that if we are not happy when we do the things that we are supposed to, that there's something wrong with us—but actually what might help is really first making sure that the thing we're doing is in fact what we want."
— Raina Cohen [48:09]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Raina Cohen on historical friendship:
  "The last pulsations of my heart will vibrate for you." [07:04]

• Host reflecting on friendship logistics:
  "As an adult, I never thought I'd have to use my calendar as a social calendar, but it's been really important to ensure that I am always there and I'm always showing up." [28:21]

• Raina Cohen on abundance vs. scarcity in relationships:
  "Having more people who you are close to is good for you as an individual. It's good for a relationship." [46:29]

Important Timestamps / Segments

• [04:13] — Why Cohen wrote The Other Significant Others
• [05:49] — Historical precedents for deep friendships
• [08:01] — How romance replaced friendship at the center of life
• [11:51] — Personal choices to value friendship and community
• [14:32] — Experience with communal living
• [20:01] — Responding to friends who "disappear" for romance
• [23:26] — Pressure on singles; scientific evidence for friendship's value
• [25:32] — Concrete ways to be a better friend
• [36:12] — Friendship is built like romance: risks, intentionality, initiative
• [41:43] — Why opposite sex friendship remains stigmatized
• [47:45] — Final reflections: Question what you really want from relationships and life

Closing Thoughts

Raina Cohen asks us to radically rethink what constitutes a "full life," advocating for deeper intentionality in forging and maintaining friendships. By drawing on history, research, and personal experience, she offers both validation for those who prize platonic bonds and practical advice for anyone looking to build a richer, more interconnected life. The episode is a call to value, prioritize, and celebrate friendship as an essential—not secondary—source of connection, support, and joy.

Recommended Reading:

• Raina Cohen, The Other Significant Others

Listen to the full episode on The Bobby Bones Show podcast feed.