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The Bobby Bones Show
Under the Surface: Guiding Teens Through Stress, Overwhelm, & Crushing Expectations (Outweigh)
00:16:51
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- [00:00]
Unknown Artist
I won't let my body outweigh Outweigh everything that I made I won't spend my life trying to change I'm learning to love who I am I am strong, I feel free I know every part of me is beautiful and I will always outweigh if you feel it, put your hands in the air show some love to the mirror While you're there let's take it one day at a time Cause you and I.
- [00:35]
Leanne
Happy Saturday outway. And this is for you parents. If you've ever felt helpless watching your teens battle food obsession or body dissatisfaction or that endless cycle of stress, anxiety and self doubt, then this series is for you. And so today and for the next few weeks, we are joined here with Natalie Burrell, founder of Life Success for Teens, who brings nearly two decades of experience helping teenagers not just academically, but emotionally and mentally. And so together, we're going to dive into the unique challenges that teenagers face today and how their developing brains fuel these struggles and how you as a parent can support them without adding more pressure. And so this isn't about more rules or diets or tough love. It is about understanding what's really driving their behavior and giving them the tools to find their own freedom. Freedom. So first of all, welcome, Natalie. Thank you so much for being here.
- [01:34]
Natalie Burrell
I'm so excited to be here, Leanne. I knew from the first moment that I met you that I just wanted to be your friend and be around your positive energy. So anytime I get to spend with you is great.
- [01:43]
Leanne
Ditto to you. Oh, well. So grateful to have you here. Before we dive in, just kind of give us a big picture overview of who you are and the work that you're doing with teens now and the impact that you're making over over in your world.
- [01:54]
Natalie Burrell
Yeah, absolutely. So I'm located in Cleveland, Ohio, and For the last 17 years, I've been a school psychologist in a public school setting, which is where I really figured out that schools don't always prepare our teenagers for the real world. I mean, as much as we try and as much as there are wonderful people in schools, I was in a field where I worked with a lot of students who had learning disabilities, adhd, depression, anxiety, or all of the above. And there just wasn't the right type of support, the right amount of support, it became really difficult to get teenagers what they needed in schools. And so about seven years ago, I started Life Success for Teens, where now I have a team of coaches who are experts in building confidence, reducing stress, teaching teenagers how to Play the game of school and be successful. And we work with teenagers one on one and in group settings to just help them become the best versions of themselves. And what it really boils down to is feeling capable that they can do that and having the confidence that that is possible. So it's been a really amazing journey. It's definitely our passion project and something that I love doing every day.
- [03:05]
Leanne
Amazing. Amazing. So that, I mean, that brings us right into the topic that we're going to be talking about today. You know, this concept of anxiety and overwhelm and the perceived pressures that teenagers are going through. And it's happening under the surface too, right? They're not necessarily, you know, knowing that it's happening. They are experiencing these crushing expectations, especially in today's day and age. So, you know, when it comes to anxiety and overwhelm, you know, teens often feel out of control around food and their bodies, when they feel out of control in life, you know, and so when it comes to what's going on in their brain and how to give them that sense of stability and autonomy in the midst of their anxiety and overwhelmed and the perceived pressures in your. In their brain, this is where we want to pick your brain and talk about this. Because, you know, again, a lot of parents are sitting on the other side of this and, hey, who knows, Maybe some teens are actually listening to this and it's like, well, what do I do? How do I help them without. Not without making it worse, Right? So can you just kind of speak to a little bit about this idea of, first we're gonna talk about how to, you know, help them, but when it comes to that frantic energy that fuels their anxiety and their overwhelm, and again, in a lot of cases, that lack of control leads to them binging or trying to go on a diet and control it because they think that's the one thing that they can control. Can you just kind of speak to us a little bit about that?
- [04:26]
Natalie Burrell
Yeah, certainly. You said two really important words that I wanna highlight. The first one was that there's so much pressure, and sometimes that pressure is beneath the surface, like you said. And the analogy I often use here is like, if you can imagine a duck swimming across a body of water and it looks like smooth sailing, right? Like, on the surface, these teenagers are calm, cool, collected. They're taking honors, they're taking ap. They're doing all the activities, right? But underneath the surface, they're paddling like crazy. That stress, that pressure, that feeling of overwhelm, that feeling of, am I enough or I'm not as good as that person next to me, that is really stressful. So when you said pressure like that really resonated with me because that is a term that I hear so often from the parents that I speak with that the pressure is very, very real. And then the other word that you said is control. And I talk with teenagers a lot about control. The analogy we like to use there is being in the driver's seat of your own life. Because for teenagers and for many adults, there are so many things that it feels like are out of our control and that is very stressful. So for example, in school, we can't control how many assignments we're given, we can't control how many tests we have. We can't control what that girl said to us in the hallway that we don't like. You can't control any of those things. So there is this feeling of when you're not in control, when you're not in the driver's seat that feels very anxiety provoking and it does not feel good in general. So part of learning how to shift that narrative of I'm not enough, I'm not in control, what's the point of even trying is really building the belief and the confidence that you can.
- [06:19]
Leanne
Yeah, absolutely. And we're going to get into the whole comparisonitis and the self image side of it in the third part of this series. But it's so, I mean, it just shows us that even in, in the absence of food and body struggles, there is so much pressure and lack of feeling of control that they're going through independent of that. And then you throw this in the mix and it's just, you know, adds fuel to the fire. So can you share with us a little bit, you know, what are some coping mechanisms or routines that can help them create space to process their emotions when they're in the midst of this pressure and anxiety?
- [06:50]
Natalie Burrell
Yeah, absolutely. And what are coping skills that they can use? Like in the moment, especially in school, when we don't need everybody else around us knowing that we're using a coping skill because nobody wants to look different. Right. Nobody wants to be embarrassed about that. So the way that we teach coping skills is that we have to make sure that we're using coping skills that are a match for not only the situation that's happening, but a match for the way that our bodies handle stress. So one of the steps is to recognize how stress feels and how stress looks in your body so that you can know when it's happening. So for example, you're about to take a test in school. Does that mean your heart is racing? Does that mean your chest feels tight? Do your hands get sweaty? We get a lot of kids with sweaty palms, you know. Is that when the negative voice in your head starts? What is it that that stress looks like and feels like in your body first so you can recognize like, hey, this is happening. I need to figure out a tool to use or a person to talk to to get myself back down to baseline, right? So from there, once you know what it looks like, what it feels like, you recognize it's happening. Now we need to have, I'll call it like a toolkit of different strategies to use. Okay. And we always teach that you need to choose these strategies and practice them in a moment that is not anxiety provoking or stress filled first. You know, it's kind of like that analogy of practicing a fire drill before there's actually a fire so that you know exactly what to do and your brain can just kind of go on autopilot when you're under that stress feeling, right? So when you're picking a coping skill that works for you, you need one that matches the situation. So for example, you're probably not going to be able to meditate in the middle of class if you're doing like a guided meditation, right? You could probably do it in your head. You can't stand up and do yoga in class, right? But there are breathing exercises you can do, there are fidgets you can use, there are affirmations that you can say to yourself. You need to choose a skill that works for the moment, but also one that actually works for you. So the way we teach this is to just give almost like a giant list of coping skills at first to say like, here's 55 coping skills, just go through and like highlight which ones kind of sound appealing to you. And then we'll go in more detail and pick ones that they actually want to try. And that's how we develop an actual toolkit of things for them to choose from.
- [09:18]
Leanne
So powerful because it is, it has to be about resonance. We talk about here about the power of neuro associations and if you have something that doesn't resonate or you're like, I won't even use that, it's going to actually work against you and create a negative neuro association in your brain and then you think, great, I'm another person. This is one more thing that didn't work for me versus like giving them a bunch of options and saying like hey, what resonates with you? What's something that you want to even explore? Because that's going to create those positive neuro associations right away to get them moving towards what they need. Because oftentimes that's. That's part of the problem, is like, I know what I need, but I can't even get myself to get there. Right?
- [09:50]
Natalie Burrell
Yes, absolutely.
- [09:51]
Leanne
Let's talk to the parents directly for a second. These parents that are like, okay, Natalie, my teen is everything that you're saying, the pressure, the stress, the expectations, like, feeling out of control. They have anxiety, their palms are sweating, and I don't know how to help them. What are ways that parents can support their kids in the midst of the anxiety, the overwhelm, without adding to it? Because a lot of times, you know, unknowingly, parents can try to do all that they can do, but they might be actually making it a little bit worse, unbeknownst to them. So can you kind of just peek, show us a little peek behind the curtain for. For that.
- [10:23]
Natalie Burrell
I mean, something I hear all the time on the calls with parents is they want to help their teenager, but they don't know how. Or I really want to, you know, promote healthy habits. I really want to tell them that they are so wonderful. Why can't you see that for yourself? And their teen is just not receptive to hearing it from them. And that is so common. And I think it just takes another voice sometimes. You know, whether that voice is a positive podcast that they like to listen to, whether that voice is their guidance counselor at school that they connect with or their English teacher that they talk to after class, whatever it may be, sometimes there has to be another voice. So for parents, the first step would be to say to yourself, or to ask yourself, is my teen receptive to hearing this from me? If the answer is no, there's two things I would say. Keep trying, but not in a way that feels like you're being overbearing or that if you're trying and that it's making it worse, I might hold off there, but keep trying. And what I mean by that is like, be consistent in your approach. Be consistent in your positivity. Be consistent in your reminders of how capable and wonderful they are, but also if the answer to the question, is your team receptive to hearing it from you? If it's no, then you need to find another voice.
- [11:43]
Leanne
Absolutely. Finding that authority that resonates with them. Because, again, like, I mean, when we think about this day and age, everyone, the influencer world is, you know, taking over by storm. So how can you find positive influences that your kids will actually listen to? And this is where I'm going to plug you. We'll have you share your information. You share so much amazing content and quality content for parents and the kids themselves on your Instagram. So we'll have you shout that out as well. But that being said, it's like influence is influence. And so if you're not able to give the influence that you can to your teens or they're not receptive to it, it's like it's about finding what, what would infiltrate that bubble for them.
- [12:18]
Natalie Burrell
Exactly. And I always suggest to parents, like, start with who you know first. Like really take an inventory of who is in your world, who is in your teen's world that they will respect and listen to. And you don't have to set it up like a play date, right? Like, you don't have to say, hey, Uncle John, you know, could you fill in the blank, like, could you meet up with Johnny and you know, take him to a baseball game? But I think there is something to be said for looking first in your circle of friends and family to see who is somebody that your teenager could spend a little more time with or have more of an influence from. But also, if there is a person in your life already, I think that's wonderful. But you also have to remember that that person may not be able to meet with your teen on a regular basis. I mean, this can't just be like a one stop, like, here's your dose of positivity, you're good to go.
- [13:09]
Leanne
It needs to be somebody's mind.
- [13:11]
Natalie Burrell
Yeah, exactly, Absolutely.
- [13:14]
Leanne
The consistency is huge, especially at that age. And we're going to be talking about in next week's episode all about, you know, meeting their emotional needs without using food, like actual, the coping mechanism side of things. But what would you say to a parent just to kind of get the wheels turning for next week if they notice that their kid is stressed and overwhelmed and has that anxiety and they are turning to either, you know, using food to fill that void or the opposite. Like, if everything else feels out of control, I'm going to control my weight, I'm going to control my food, whatever it is. So it's the, you know, two sides of the opposite, opposite sides of the same coin. What would you say to parents, like in the beginning stages when they're starting to notice that like food or body image stuff has become the go to coping mechanism?
- [13:56]
Natalie Burrell
I would say start to take Notes meaning, like, how often is this happening? How often are you noticing it? Like, in what ways is it impacting their life? Because it can be so easy for you to notice it's happening. But then a week goes by and you think, like, wait, did that happen last week? You really need to start taking actual notes of what's happening so that you have information to share with a professional if and when you need to get them involved.
- [14:23]
Leanne
Yeah. And I think it's one of those things where parents feel like it's their duty to be the one to help them, but when they're. When we're talking about stuff like this, it's so sensitive. Like you were saying a minute ago, like, you definitely need an authority outside of this. I remember not that long ago, I have a client who I'm working with, who she's an adult coming through my program, and she's got daughters. Very athletic daughter, one of her daughters, very athletic. And she came home from sports and was just, like, super hungry and was, like, eating a bunch of bread before dinner because she was just starving. And her husband, who obviously knows that my client is going through this program, but doesn't understand the eccentricities of it, was like, said to their daughter, like, you can't eat like that. Like, we don't eat bread like that. And, like, was just, like, kind of guiding her. And when she talked to. And I coached my client through talking to her husband, he. He didn't even realize that what he was doing could have had negative repercussions. Right. So I think just even having the awareness that, like, hey, not all advice is good advice. Like, I know you're their parent, but, like, in. There's some things that are a little bit kind of tricky or, you know, a little bit delicate and sensitive that we need to just really make sure that we're not, like, tiptoeing around it. But like you said, get the data. Get the information so that you have clear data and facts to share to somebody else, as opposed to your opinion or your perception.
- [15:31]
Natalie Burrell
Absolutely. And you need sometimes that the professionalism and the expertise of somebody else, but also somebody who doesn't have 10 to 15 years of emotion wrapped up in your teenager. Do you know what I mean? Like, somebody who could just take a bird's eye view or an outside perspective to say, here's the facts, here's what's happening. Okay, I know how to help you. Here's the solution.
- [15:50]
Leanne
Yeah, for sure. Because for parents, it's emotional, it's personal. You can't separate the two, even if you think you can. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. For sure. For sure. Well, this is such a powerful conversation. We're going to be back next week and we're going to be talking about your teens real hunger and how to meet their emotional needs when food is not the answer. And maybe it's not food. Maybe it's, you know, obsessing over Netflix, online shopping of like scrolling through Instagram. Like we it's the same part of the brain, that social brain that we talk about here all the time. We're going to be getting into that. But in the meantime, where can people find you, stalk you, learn from you.
- [16:26]
Natalie Burrell
Feel free. Come stalk me on Instagram. That's where I play mostly at Life success for teens. And then our website is actually the same thing. Lifesuccess for Teens.com Amazing.
- [16:35]
Leanne
Well, we will link all of this in the show notes. Thank you so much, Natalie. And we will be back for part two of this series next week. Bye.
- [16:43]
Natalie Burrell
Thanks, Leanne.