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The Bobby Bones Show
Unhooking from Unrealistic Ideals: Guiding Teens to Find Their Own Path Rather Than Chasing Others’ Approval (Outweigh)
00:15:04
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- [00:01]
Apple Product Announcer
The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running, swimming or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone XS are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Hi friend, it's your inner child calling and they want churros.
- [00:40]
Leanna
A new toy and a new adventure.
- [00:48]
Natalie Borel
Or maybe five with the bestest besties on Earth.
- [00:55]
Leanna
Find your moment at Walt Disney World Resort.
- [01:00]
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart is back at the Daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors, and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [01:39]
Questlove
People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove Man. I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to Amerie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check em out. Listen to Questlove supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.
- [02:23]
Minnie Driver
I won't let my body outweigh Outweigh everything that I made I won't spend my life trying to I'm learning to.
- [02:32]
Paola Pedrosa
Love who I am I am strong.
- [02:35]
Minnie Driver
I feel free I know every part of me is beautiful and I will always outweigh if you feel it put your hands in the air show some love to the mirror while you're there let's take it one day at a.
- [02:53]
Leanna
Time Cause you and I outweigh Happy Saturday. Out way. We are back for the final episode of our series specifically for teens and parents of teens. And so parents, if you feel like you are out in the wilderness watching your teen battle food, obsession and stress and anxiety and Comparisonitis and all of those things that comes along. Being a teenager and then parenting a teenager. This series is for you. And so we are back with Natalie Borel, founder of Life Success for Teens. And she's got nearly two decades of experience helping teens not just academically but emotionally, socially, intellectually develop mentally. All of the ullies and our first episode, if you missed it, definitely head back. Episode one we talked about what's going on under the surface and guiding teens through their experience of stress and overwhelm and crushing expectations and this, you know, self created pressure. Then last week we talked about all about the coping mechanism side of things. So what is your teen really hungry for and how to meet those emotional needs when food and Netflix and escaping is not the real answer and what really will help them. And then today we are here to talk about unhooking your teenagers brains from unrealistic ideals and helping them find their own path rather than chasing others approval in this world of, you know, social media and comparisonitis. So thank you so much for being back here. Such a great series so far. Natalie, it's a pleasure to be here.
- [04:17]
Natalie Borel
Thank you.
- [04:18]
Leanna
Let's dive on in. So let's just like can you just set the tone for us for right now. What is going on as you're seeing as with the teens that you're working with and what you're hearing from parents, you know how social media and peer pressure and and like cultural standards, what's going on in the comparisonitis? Perfectionism, self doubt, body image, brain of the teens that you're working with.
- [04:38]
Natalie Borel
So we've touched on these topics in the last two episodes but this is worth bringing up again because it's the comparison to other people which means I'm not fill in the blank, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not strong enough, I'm not athletic enough, whatever it may be. But then there's also that pressure of seeing what everybody else is doing and seeing the highlight reel on social media. I am going to throw with social media under the bus even though you know I'm on social media. There's many great things about it. But if we're going to talk about comparing ourselves and that feeling of being less than, then I'm going to bring up social media because if your teenager is on it, they absolutely are seeing the highlight reel of everybody else's life but they're also seeing what they are not involved in or what they are not yet and they're comparing themselves to that or they're feeling left out.
- [05:30]
Leanna
And I think that FOMO and the fear of missing out as, as the kids call it, and, and yeah, feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm not invited. That is kryptonite to a teenage brain, you know, because it's that, that part of your brain that yeah, you want to look a certain way and you want to fit in, but when you're actively seeing people going to something and you're not invited, it feels personal, it feels very isolating. And I think it like can even be harder in the teenage brain, especially because that is what's developing and you know, during those years. So why do you think teens are so vulnerable to these external ideas when it comes to self image and then, you know, going into their relationship with food, do you feel like there is opportunity for parents and teachers and guidance counselors and stuff to come in or is this the kind of thing where you also feel like they need a coach, they need a guide?
- [06:15]
Natalie Borel
Well, I think that it happens so much because they're around it all of the time. And here's what I mean. When you and I were in high school, I don't know what year you graduated. I won't, I won't age us, but when you and I were in high school, we got to go home and like turn off the rest of the world pretty much, right? Like we might know what some people are doing, but we did not have access to what everybody was doing or what people in other states looked like, what they ate, how they exercise. Our brains just didn't have that information because we weren't connected to the world like that. So I think this is, so this is happening so often and so frequently because we are just surrounded by it and our teenagers have access to all of that information at the touch of a button, 24 hours a day. And that is consuming.
- [07:05]
Leanna
Yeah, it is all consuming. And then it also coming back to what we're talking about last week, it can almost be an addiction, right, where they feel like they like a compulsion they have to check out what other people are doing. So what would you say when you have these conversations with teens and you're focusing on their resilience and you know, having their own self worth and their own values rather than, you know, arbitrary beauty or performance standards or what they're seeing on social media. Can you just share a little bit of a sneak behind the curtain of like, what are the conversations that you're having with these kids about, about body image, self image, self worth comparisonitis.
- [07:36]
Natalie Borel
So the first thing that I would say is to really just make this simple. Like when we're talking about social media or comparing yourself or the pressure that you feel, we try to break the people that they are interacting with and the things they are experiencing on a screen into two different categories. It's either an energy giver or it's an energy taker. We're going to make it very simple because we'll even have them kind of go through their social media and like as they're scrolling, know, is this person or this account an energy giver? Because it lights me up, because it makes me feel good about myself, because it's a positive hit of dopamine. Right. In a good way. Or is this somebody I follow because they hold a standard that, like I might never get to and that doesn't feel good. So are they an energy taker? And it's the same thing whether it's somebody in the social media world or it's somebody in their real life. Is this person an energy giver or an energy taker? But also in the way that they are spending their time. Right? Like, is spending time on my phone an energy giver or an energy taker? So we make it very simple by just breaking it down into those two categories. But then you have to go even further. Like, if this section of your life is all energy givers, how do we get more of that positivity? Like, what are some ways we can add in more of that? Is it more positive relationships? Is it more healthy habits in terms of your eating, in terms of your sleeping? But then also how do we reduce those energy takers? So what would happen, for example, if we deleted this account that's definitely an energy giver and we replaced it with a positive one. Now you've got a double whammy. Right? So there's that idea. But then to take it even further, we want to talk to our teenagers. And I don't know if parents can always do this. This is a tough conversation for a parent to have. It's easier for an outside person. But to talk about things that are your teenager's values, like what are the things that are actually, on a deep and personal level, important to them and how do we make decisions in our life that are based on those values? So I just took it to a whole nother level.
- [09:41]
Leanna
Yeah, but.
- [09:41]
Natalie Borel
But it's important.
- [09:43]
Leanna
Oh my gosh, no. This is. You're speaking my language. This is the work that, that I do with my clients as well. Because when we have, you know, and it's interesting, one of My next questions was, was going to be about going from that external to that internal validation value worth. And, and you know, part of it too is, and it's, it shows up differently for adults with teens, but it's the same concept. So with my adults, what I have to say to them is I say, hey, take out or set aside for a minute who you're trying to be for everyone else, who you're trying to be as a mom, as a wife, as a, you know, employee, employer, whatever it is. Right. And like what values do you hold that do you want to bring in for your, for yourself? And a lot of times they're aspirational because they're not being them right now. They're not being integrity, they're not being, you know, accepting of themselves. They're not being, you know, self endorsed and full of self worth. So they become aspirational. But the same can be true for kids because I think with a lot of these teenagers especially what we know about the developing social brain is a lot of their validation is based on, well, what do I think I should be for other people? So can you kind of share a little bit about how you help them differentiate that internal and that external, like just even going a little bit deeper into what you said because it's so, so powerful and potent. And I'm like, with the work that I do with teens, we hit that hard, that internal compass.
- [10:56]
Natalie Borel
Yeah. And sometimes you might even think like a teenager is not going to be receptive to that kind of work. But it always fascinates me that they are like they are. They kind of tilt their head for a second like, oh, no one's really asked me these questions before or asked them in this way or ask them in a format where I feel comfortable sharing it. So they actually are open to it. And it feels really good to be able to put into words what are the things that are important to you. But also this is just as important to be able to say out loud what you're strengths are. There's not a lot of teams that can do both of those things before they get some external help to do that. But you're right, there is such a focus on like the external. How am I supposed to look, how am I supposed to act, what grade point average am I supposed to have? And not as much of a focus on like the type of person you're trying to be in the world.
- [11:47]
Leanna
Right.
- [11:48]
Natalie Borel
What it is you want to get out of life. And to me that is just as if not more important than the external stuff.
- [11:54]
Leanna
Absolutely. And so what would you say to parents? Because again, this can go either direction. Like, there's parents listening who they like. Whether it's purposeful or accidental, they are doing a great job of encouraging this internal thing. And then I know and for this latter category, this is absolutely unintentional, but I hear it from my clients all the time. They're like, oh, my gosh. Unbeknownst to me just being who I'm being, I've passed this on to my children. Right. So can you talk to us about what it looks like to model that for children or like, how to invite them into these conversations that, that have them standing in their own self worth and their own value rather than the whole, like, measuring up kind of side of things?
- [12:34]
Natalie Borel
I think the key word here is modeling, like you said. So how to do that? I think talking out loud about these things is actually very helpful if your teen is receptive and if they will listen. So my kids are a little bit younger, but they often hear me say things like, I'm making this choice because this is important to me. And I'm like filling in the blank of what that is.
- [12:55]
Leanna
Yes.
- [12:56]
Natalie Borel
They're starting to get to the point now they're almost preteens where they're like, mom, are you coaching us? Like, but I think it's so. I am, yeah, sorry. Sorry for what I do for a living, friends. But I think it's so important to not only model it in terms of my behavior, but when I'm modeling just in my behavior, I'm hoping they're picking up on it. But if I model my behavior and I'm speaking it out loud now, it's that, that double dose. And I'm more sure that they're going to get the point of what I'm saying. Even if in the moment they're like, mom, they've still at least heard me.
- [13:29]
Leanna
Yeah. And you're creating that awareness. Like, if somebody, I look back at a lot of the work that I do and I'm like, gosh, I wish I had access to these thought processes, these tools when I was, you know, especially teen, which was my hardest, most challenging time. But I'm like, if somebody had even said to me and modeled to me like, hey, Leanne, like, I'm doing this because I, I committed to it. And my integrity is. There's nothing more important than my word. I want my yeses to be y. My nose to be nose. And I want to be a promise maker and a promise keeper because that's important to who I want to be. Like, if I just had that modeled and I'm not like, dissing my parents or anything like that. But like, the, like, things like integrity, things like self acceptance, even when we don't like things about ourselves, we can accept that it's so right. Even when there's things that we want to change about ourselves, we can still value and weigh and measure the amazing parts of us. So these are the conversations that, like, again, just having that awareness by modeling the language, the words and the actions, it can just plant seeds that you don't even know are being planted. And you might not even know they're being receptive to it, but they are.
- [14:27]
Natalie Borel
Well, and that's what I had this modeled. I grew up with mostly just my mom. My dad was involved and I saw him on the weekends. And my mom modeled this to a T. Like, looking back on my childhood, she. She was and is an angel. And I had that model, but I didn't want to hear it from her. That's the truth. Because even when she would say things to me about like how wonderful I was or how smart I was or how capable I was, my first thought wasn't, oh, thanks, mom. You're right, it was. You have to say that to me because you love me. Right. So I needed that external validation from somebody else in terms of, like, modeling how capable and wonderful I was or like holding up a mirror to that. Does that make sense?
- [15:12]
Leanna
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And it goes back to what we were talking about in the last couple of episodes. Like, how do you get your teen on board? Well, like, it's got. It's where it's coming from and who it's coming from. And the perception and the perspective does absolutely matter. So it's important to have those positive influence that are not just you in their lives.
- [15:29]
Natalie Borel
Yes. Anything you can be involved in that has an external voice and an external community. Like, whether it be church or whether it be activities or outings, adventures, whatever it may be, all of those little doses of somebody else's voice can be so helpful.
- [15:46]
Leanna
Well, before we finish off this series, is there any words of wisdom or encouragement that you would like to leave with the parents that have kids that. I mean, basically every parent that has these kids that are experiencing, you know, chasing others approval or unrealistic ideals or, you know, body image, self image struggles? Is there any just like, words of encouragement that you would give to these parents?
- [16:05]
Natalie Borel
These words of encouragement are from Finding Nemo. It is just keep swimming. Because if you know that you are doing your absolute best to provide positivity and stability and love for your teenager unconditionally while they go through this, like, emotional roller coaster ride of the teenage years. Then keep doing it, but also have an eye out for. Is this something that I need support with because I don't know how to do it myself, or I need support with because it is so stressful for me that I. I'm struggling myself. So keep swimming, but also keep an eye out for, like, a safety net from somebody else.
- [16:43]
Leanna
Amazing words from you and from Nina. Thank you so much for being here. We're gonna link all of your contact information in the show notes. So she's at Life Success for Teens over on Instagram and Life successforteens. Com. Natalie, thank you so much for being here for this series. It's such an important topic that I think a lot of parents are swimming out there not knowing where to get help. And I encourage you all listening, go over and follow her on Instagram. She shares amazing nuggets of wisdom for you and for creating Life Success for teens.
- [17:14]
Natalie Borel
Thanks, Leanna. It was a pleasure.
- [17:15]
Leanna
All right, that's it for this series, and we'll be back with more ot way next week. Bye.
- [17:27]
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart is back at the Daily show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique, unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors, and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [18:06]
Questlove
People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove, man. I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to Amerie, Johnny Marr, Eve, Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.
- [18:49]
Minnie Driver
What if you ask two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver and I set out to explain explore this idea in my podcast. And now Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 7 Questions Limitless Answers.
- [19:25]
Paola Pedrosa
Welcome. My name is Paola Pedrosa, a medium and the host of the Ghost Therapy podcast, where it's not just about connecting with deceased loved ones, it's about learning through them and their new perspective. I think God sent me this gift so I can show it to the world. And most of all, I help people every single day. Listen to the Ghost Therapy podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.