Addiction Missions

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Addiction Missions
Date: February 6, 2026
Host: SiriusXM, Faction Talk 103

---

Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire brings Big Jay Oakerson, Robert Kelly (Bobby), Dan, Christine, Jacob, and regular crew together in-studio after some time apart. Their trademark humor shines as they riff about suburban homeownership annoyances, winter woes, relationship dynamics, and the addict’s tendency to trade one obsession for another. The show blends real-life frustrations, self-deprecating comedy, and candid talk about compulsions. The central theme becomes addiction—not just to substances, but to anything that scratches the itch, from tech gadgets, shopping, “missions”, food, or even seeking hookups.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Food, Friendship & Lunch Place Politics

(Starts ~01:08)

• The crew banters about their usual lunch spots. Jay and Dan mock Christine’s emotional attachment to "Ted's Montana", poking fun at the idea of "our spot" and the quasi-romantic notions people assign to favorite eateries.
• "Jacob loves the Hard Rock. Bubba Gump Shrimp. Jacob has tourist taste." – Jay (03:35)
• Dan suggests they should all try Ted’s Montana together and do a taste test live on the show for comedic effect.
• The group teases each other about being overly sentimental about mundane traditions.

2. Suburban Life, Winter & The Snowblower Saga

(10:17-28:00)

• Jay and Dan lament winter living, especially suburban requirements like shoveling and snow blowing.
• "I think I might be a snowbird." – Jay (09:17)
• Bobby and Dan compare snowblowers, debating electric vs. gas, best strategies for snow removal, and the generally Sisyphean task of winter upkeep.
• The conversation devolves (hilariously) into selling and trading snowblowers, with ongoing jokes about payment plans and laundering purchases so spouses don’t notice.
• "If you're a guy, get a guy... They’ll come over, shovel it, and you're like, I don't even know how they did that physically." – Dan (12:21)
• Regular complaints include drafty windows, outdated fuse boxes, and the unattainable fantasy that “there must be a perfect solution for everything in a house.”

3. Home Upkeep, Handymen, and the Value of a Good Hookup

(19:15–57:00)

• The crew explores the joys and pitfalls of home repair, particularly when relying on friend discounts or fan "hookups."
• "You want the best, but when you get the hookup, you end up with flexible pipes that kink under the sink." – Dan (53:18)
• Examples abound of trades gone awry, offers of help from overly eager fans, and the eventual regret of not just paying full price for peace of mind.
• They poke fun at Lewis (from Legion of Skanks) for crowdsourcing every fix from fans, musing about the awkward consequences.
• Memorable: Jay’s story about his tattoo artist/fan who comes to shows to tattoo comics, and the odd sense of obligation it produces.

4. Addictive Personalities: Gadgets, Shopping, and Cheat Energy

(37:02–45:45)

• After ribbing about home and lunch spot loyalty, the conversation pivots to addiction in all its forms, especially as it manifests beyond drugs and alcohol: bags, tech, gadgets, gym equipment, and even little "missions" of deception.
• Bobby explains his compulsion to sneak gadgets and items past his wife, Dawn, using bag laundering schemes and "missions".
• "I put–I give myself missions. That's what they are." – Dan (40:21)
• "She’d probably rather you get other pussy than spend all the money on bags you don’t need." – Jay (35:36)
• The group explores the psychology of hidden behaviors and how the “addict’s brain” repurposes itself in new, often less harmful but still compulsive directions.
• The segment is candid, self-revealing, and funny.

5. Cheating, Relationships & What Counts as “Healthier” Obsessions

(37:32–44:44)

• The recurring bit: Would it be better for Bobby to just cheat than to keep buying junk and covering it up? They clarify that cheating is off the table, but the addictive impulse remains.
• “I have to learn boundaries. I have to learn…” – Dan (37:10)
• Christine notes that working out was, briefly, Bobby's new addiction.
• They deconstruct the cycle: quit one habit, another rises to take its place.
• "It sucks being an addict. It sucks having that thing where you always got to have something." – Dan (45:39)

6. Getting Older, Dating, and the Days Before Domesticity

(40:30–43:15)

• They hypothesize how Bobby would do if single now versus his horndog days on the road.
• Christine and Jay vie on whether Bobby would pursue younger women or stick to his preference for "mature" 30s-40s women.
• Bobby recounts the thrill (and desperation) of “missions” for hookups pre-marriage, now replaced with more domesticated but compulsive pursuits.

7. Comic Tech—From Apps to the Golden Age of Bobby's Website

(58:00–62:15)

• Bobby reminisces about his pioneering use of a personal website (with orbs!), a custom app, and what once passed for digital showbiz innovation.
• “Robert Kelly is the only comedian who has a website that’s more famous than him.” – Ben Bailey, via Bobby (60:09)
• There's nostalgia for egotistical comic-branded apps, with Jay and Dan poking fun at the idea that fans once wanted their celebs as mouse cursors or GPS voices.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You gotta let go of this relationship that doesn’t exist."
  – Dan (04:24), teasing Christine about her lunch place nostalgia.

• "If Don died, I’d be fucked. I don’t know anything. But on the bright side, I was like, I’m just gonna get a two bedroom in Manhattan..."
  – Dan (20:22), on adulting and contingency plans.

• "If you allow me to do this, I’m gonna tell Dawn you’re gonna give it to me for, like, half of what you say you’re gonna give it to me, and then I’ll give you the other half in cash. So it’s—it’s blandering, but it’s not."
  – Dan (34:34), on “bag laundering” snowblower purchases.

• "You like to wrap your life up in a bunch of deceptions, but in your mind, you're like, 'Well, I'm not getting other pussy, so this isn’t that big of a deal.'"
  – Jay (34:40), cutting to the core of Bobby's rationalizations.

• "I wish I could cheat. I wish. I really wish I could."
  – Dan (36:58), delivered with true sadness and laughter.

• "I put—I give myself missions. That’s what they are."
  – Dan (40:21), on the compulsion behind secret shopping.

• "It sucks being an addict. It sucks having that thing where you always gotta have something... And it's the lesser of two evils is what you try to find or replace it."
  – Dan (45:39), summing up the addict’s journey.

• "You just keep shifting your things from bag to bag."
  – Jay (38:40), riffing on Bobby's endless consumption.

---

Highlighted Timestamps

• 01:08 – 07:00: Lunch plans, "Ted’s Montana," and the romance of favorite spots.
• 09:17 – 16:25: Suburban winter frustrations, plans for Miami escapes, and snowblower woes.
• 20:22: Dan’s doomsday scenario on being alone and not knowing how to manage home or money.
• 34:34–35:40: “Bag laundering” snowblowers and the extent of Bobby’s hidden purchases.
• 37:02–45:45: Addiction chat—sneaking gadgets, serial obsessions, and when is cheating healthier?
• 58:00–62:15: Comic tech nostalgia: Bobby’s famous website, his app, and how innovation was once a little man peeing on your desktop.

---

Tone & Language

This episode is classic Bonfire: bluntly honest, self-deprecating, side-splitting and sometimes trenchant. The panel speaks in direct, relatable, and vulgar language, peppered with comic exaggeration and affectionate ribbing. Jay and Bobby are especially skilled at mining their respective addictions—whether to food, gadgets, or old patterns—for comedic gold.

---

For New Listeners

If you haven't listened to this episode, you've missed a tightly woven improv of mid-life comedic grievances: the pain of home maintenance, the search for perfect convenience, the way compulsive habits resurface in less-destructive forms, and the ongoing dance between transparency and white lies in marriages and friendships. There’s also a meta-element as they dissect the very act of "the mission"—sneaking or laundering purchases, getting deals, or chasing little highs—mirroring the very essence of lifelong comedy: turning pain and compulsion into shared laughter.

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

New Year, new me.

[Bobby]

Cute.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

But how about New Year, new money? With Experian, you can actually take control of your finances. Check your FICO score, find ways to save and get matched with credit card offers, giving you time to power through those New Year's goals. You know you're gonna crush start the year off right. Download the Experian app based on fico's great model offers an approval not guaranteed. Eligibility requirements and terms apply subject to credit check, which may impact your credit scores. Offers not available in all states. See experian.com for details.

[Christine]

Experian.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year.

[Dan]

What do you have to lose?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time.

[Advertiser Voice]

50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required $45 for three months, $90 for six month or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy. See Terms.

[Jay]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Dan]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay]

Terminator Timelines. We're back in studio for the first time even though it's Thursday for you. We came in today.

[Dan]

Tuesday.

[Jay]

It's Tuesday.

[Dan]

Nice and early.

[Jay]

Nice and early.

[Dan]

Let me get some hummus so we.

[Jay]

Get a nice break. Oh, you want to get Jew food.

[Dan]

Well, you brought it up.

[Jay]

No, I didn't.

[Dan]

I thought you said let's go get. You missed Jew food.

[Jay]

You misunderstood me. I explained it in that moment. But then you had Jew food on the brain after that.

[Dan]

I always have Jew food on the brain. Right, Jacob?

[Christine]

I like that.

[Dan]

What did you say then? How did. I misunderstood. You did. How did the word Jew.

[Jay]

I was just saying that we'll have like a good amount of time. I forget the wording of it, but what I was saying was if we started two and we'll have time. But I was even saying that the deli. You could have time to really sit and like chill. I think I said may have said chill or something. You thought I said ju. We were. I was driving through a monsoon or.

[Dan]

Because I'm always. I always hear Jew and you do.

[Christine]

The place he wants to take you is good.

[Dan]

Yeah, but it might be a little. Might be a little. It might be a little. You might need a little more time than what we Have.

[Christine]

It's a. I go. It's a. Really. Yeah. You got to sit and enjoy. You don't want to rush it.

[Jay]

What do they have there?

[Christine]

A lot of stuff. It's.

[Dan]

Well, we're on the radio. Be descriptive.

[Christine]

What do we have here?

[Jay]

Look at the menu.

[Christine]

We tried everything.

[Dan]

We had hummus.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Dan]

We had baba ganoush.

[Christine]

Yeah. We ordered lamb chops.

[Dan]

Oh, so good. You don't like a lamb chop?

[Christine]

No, I wasn't.

[Jay]

What I.

[Christine]

But there's a lot of grilled food to look.

[Jay]

Well, he's not. Danny, he's not gonna let you get whatever you want.

[Christine]

No, he was fantastic.

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm not gonna. I mean, I. God forbid I take you to a different place.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

That place is great. You'll like it.

[Jay]

Yeah. Jacob, you want to go to lunch, just me and you? Ted's Montana, next week?

[Christine]

I can't go there with you.

[Dan]

Wow.

[Jay]

Why?

[Christine]

It's our. We need our own place.

[Jay]

I bet we'll have more fun.

[Christine]

Just me and you.

[Jay]

Just me and you. Working it out now. You know what? Okay. I'll bring in the crew. Whole crew. Let's go to Ted Montana's next week.

[Dan]

All right? I'm not attached to it. Why? Why do I feel shitty?

[Jay]

Huh?

[Christine]

Let's go.

[Jay]

Oh, I didn't want to put you through it. I thought I was doing a good friend to you.

[Dan]

You know what? Thank you very much.

[Jay]

It's a pure spite meal. Gonna make you sit through Ted's Montana. It not good, Bobby.

[Christine]

No one who goes like you haven't been there. I like it. Dan likes it.

[Jay]

Well, then why wouldn't I take you to your favorite place, huh? Then why would I take you to your favorite place? Ted's Montana's. We're doing it.

[Dan]

I bet he loved Mickey Mantles when it was in town, too.

[Jay]

Jacob loves the hard rock. Bubba Gum shrimp.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Jacob has tourist taste.

[Dan]

Yeah, he does. He really has tourist taste. You stink.

[Jay]

I'm gonna head over. Hey, where are you guys going for lunch? I'm head over to Bubba Gum Shrimp and get the Captain Dan Platter.

[Dan]

We should go. We should go to Ted Montana. We should have Ted Montana's delivered here one day and do a taste test to see how good it is.

[Jay]

We should do it today.

[Dan]

We'll do it today. We'll get what you get. We'll get what Black Lou gets and what DJ and we'll. We'll taste test it on the air. I mean, I could save you time. It's not delicious. Why are you going for the company? Well, you could go to the park and get sandwiches. I'll make you guys peanut butter and jellies with chips.

[Jay]

Dan's got a foot out the door.

[Dan]

The entire look at Black Lou's face when I say peanut butter and chips.

[Jay]

It's a good chips.

[Christine]

They give me a different. They tell me the exact same thing, exact opposite thing when we're not on.

[Dan]

Because they don't want to crush your soul. You're on the edge all the time.

[Christine]

I'm not gonna. I don't own a stock in the place. I just like emotionally.

[Jay]

You do?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

You have emotional stock.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, it was originally our spot.

[Dan]

Oh, stop saying our spot. This isn't a Notebook. Stop being so romantic about this stupid, stupid lunch date with you and a guy who left you.

[Jay]

Do you think he loves you? Do you think Dan.

[Dan]

I don't think Dan likes these guys. Not only does he hate that place, he's doing this out of, like, just so he gets into heaven.

[Jay]

He's also assuming. He's like, at some point, these guys are going to be like, the food's terrible. We don't have to do this.

[Dan]

Dan left you with me and Jay. He doesn't like you.

[Jay]

He dumped you on the fire station of this. This room.

[Dan]

Yeah. Yeah. He dumped all you fans, too. So fuck it. Stop bugging me.

[Jay]

He fucking gave birth to you in a. He gave birth to you in a prom bathroom and then dumped you in the garbage. The garbage barrel.

[Dan]

Barrel. Thank you.

[Jay]

That's a bonfire. Word.

[Christine]

Now you're the firemen that are raising.

[Jay]

Us, and I'm raising you.

[Dan]

Dude, really, man. You gotta. You gotta let go of this relationship that doesn't exist.

[Jay]

Force yourself to eat a shitty mushroom steak.

[Dan]

Oh, do you get steak? No, you get sand.

[Christine]

Be too fancy, you get sand.

[Dan]

What?

[Christine]

I didn't. I'm not gonna order.

[Jay]

There's no such thing as too fancy at Ted Montana's, buddy.

[Dan]

You could order seven entrees with me and Jay. We wouldn't care.

[Jay]

I would just go, you want. If you looked at me once and said, is it cool if I get. I'd go get whatever we took you. We're not thinking about that.

[Christine]

Yeah, I'm not gonna order that steak. No.

[Dan]

Why wouldn't you?

[Jay]

Pretty sure that we've bought you guys steak.

[Dan]

Yeah. The best. One of the best things.

[Christine]

It's a casual lunch. I feel that's taking advantage.

[Dan]

I want you to let go of it. I want you to let go of it. I want you to fucking move on in your life. You wonder why you're stagnant? Because you're holding on to anchors.

[Jay]

You're right. You know what? You're right. Dane takes you to a casual stupid lunch at a shitty place owned by cnn. Me and Bobby, I say the first time it's nice out, we take you somewhere where we off to dress up overly nice.

[Christine]

I can't remember that far back.

[Jay]

What? No, no, I'm saying we'll take you.

[Dan]

Oh, that was a little. No, that was a dig, Jay. That was a little. That was a little spear in your chest that you didn't feel well.

[Jay]

I don't think he understood what I was saying. So I don't get what he said.

[Dan]

He said, I don't remember that far back. Cause we took them out to eat two and a half years ago.

[Jay]

Oh no, no, no. For sure.

[Dan]

Yeah. But it was worth four years, people.

[Jay]

It's been in my house. I've provided food in these situations.

[Dan]

We had a barbecue in la. We had a big pool party. We smoked cigars.

[Jay]

We do it. We do it and we go with the Dantanas.

[Dan]

Don't forget Hawaiian food in Vegas where I dumped.

[Jay]

I know Dantanas.

[Christine]

I rib here to.

[Jay]

I know Dan isn't fucking Ted Montana's. It's two different people. Yeah, sure. Dantana is just a fantastic family owned business for the longest time. And Ted Montana's is owned by a guy who owns cnn.

[Dan]

Yeah, he's gotten.

[Jay]

Who's also dead.

[Dan]

Is he dead?

[Christine]

Ted Turner's dead?

[Dan]

No. Who's the guy who owns cnn? What was his name?

[Christine]

Ted Turner.

[Jay]

Ted Turner. Oh, that's Ted's Montana.

[Dan]

Yeah. He's dead. Oh, it's Ted. That's him.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Dan]

You go into a, a franchise.

[Christine]

I didn't even know he brought back the buffalo.

[Dan]

He brought. He what?

[Christine]

Which you know is close.

[Jay]

He also brought back WCW wrestling. Why do you go to a steakhouse? That's crazy.

[Dan]

I wish he brought back the Comanche Indians and they killed you when you went in there.

[Christine]

Why do you want that?

[Dan]

Because I hate that you go to the stupid place and have some motion.

[Jay]

Well, he was saying about we didn't take them. It's been a couple years. I didn't say that. I said we're not taking them to a casual lunch. We're going to take them somewhere soon when it's nice out where you have to dress up.

[Dan]

Yeah, where is that by the way? I don't know. There's too many places like that left no.

[Jay]

Where we. Not you have to dress. But we will. I want everyone to. It will be required that you all dress up.

[Dan]

Let's go to. Let's go to Keene Steakhouse. Pretend it's the 30s and Christine can't go because it was only men.

[Jay]

Okay, well, that means I can't go too.

[Dan]

Oh, sorry. All right. We'll make it. We'll make it. The 60s. I'm pretty sure the women. Sad. That's bad too. I think we made better, though. Was getting better in the 60s.

[Jay]

Now here's the thing.

[Dan]

You guys started fighting back.

[Jay]

I think as. As long as Lou dresses a little less nice than the rest of us and butters our bread for us, they'll.

[Dan]

Understand why you and you'll be fine. Yeah, you'll have to stand during the whole meal, but that's okay.

[Jay]

You have to stand the whole meal. And you probably have to cut at least one of ours. Food.

[Dan]

Yeah, you'd have to say once in a while.

[Jay]

That'll be your name also, if you don't mind. He goes, hey, this is wabbledy dabbledy. He'll be our assistant. Assistant?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Dan]

What are they? What do they call them? Our liege.

[Jay]

He's my attache. My valet.

[Dan]

Yeah, valet. There you go. Dude, I'm done with this winter. Yeah, dude, I'm done. Dude, I just can't.

[Jay]

I think I might be a snowbird.

[Dan]

I can't do it.

[Christine]

I hear that.

[Jay]

The only place we could do it is Miami, but I fucking hate Florida.

[Dan]

I don't mind Miami. I'll do Miami for six months.

[Jay]

Six? Yeah. Why are you so many months there?

[Dan]

Let's sit down and party, man. Do some gay off.

[Jay]

I would do. I would do. Absolutely. January, February.

[Dan]

January, February. Miami. We get a little. We get a little apartment in the same building.

[Jay]

Just me and you.

[Dan]

Yeah. What about Christine, though?

[Jay]

Everybody else will be here doing the show.

[Dan]

Oh. They stay here. We go there.

[Christine]

I believe we can work out of Miami.

[Jay]

Black Lou as a family.

[Dan]

I have a family, but I'll leave them for two months.

[Jay]

DG Lou has a girlfriend who can't get that close to international waters or she's gonna be taken back home.

[Dan]

Especially in Miami. They'll put her back on one of those tubs and push her out in the ocean.

[Jay]

What I'm saying is, I don't want your girlfriend to get deported. Lou.

[Dan]

She's black American.

[Jay]

No, I know, but she reads a little Hispanic.

[Dan]

Reads a little bit. Oh, thanks.

[Jay]

She reads a little Hispanic.

[Dan]

I would do Miami for two months. This is get even for a month. This, this, this mid January to the end of February is going to suck.

[Jay]

I was irate at how much of a hard time I had with the snowblower yesterday.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And how much. I think it's a shitty machine. And then watching the video of you giving just the shovel thing and how good it seemed to work, I was like, that's. I should have just had that instead of having a tractor trailer in my garage.

[Dan]

Well, I have both. I have the. I have the one you have, but yours is better than mine. And then I have the snow shovel from the same company, same voltage, 80 volt. But you got. The trick is, bro, you got to go out while it's snowing, do it once, come back out, do it again.

[Jay]

Takes five minutes with that thing.

[Dan]

Five minutes. So you do it. You got. I shoveled. I snow blowed. Is that how you say it? Three times you blowed. I snow blowed. Three times blowed. So that's the trick to using an electric snowblower. You can't just go out like a gas one and just fucking tear through anything. You got to go out while it's snowing if it's gonna. I had 16 inches at my house.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

So probably something like that by me.

[Dan]

I do it three times. I went out during the snowstorm kind of at the end, and then the next day. And it only takes you 20 minutes to do driveway. So.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

No, that's the trick with the. The old.

[Jay]

Not me. I have neighbors come over and say things like, you wanted to live in the suburbs. Huh?

[Dan]

Oh, you had him come over and.

[Jay]

Then come over and hand me a card for a boy who can come over and do this Better for me.

[Dan]

It's better that you do that. Sell that thing and have somebody come and do it. You're one of those.

[Jay]

What do you mean?

[Dan]

I'm saying that you're one of those. When it snows out, you just have a guy come.

[Jay]

That's what I need. You're right.

[Dan]

No, no, you got it.

[Jay]

Come on.

[Dan]

You're not gonna get a bobcat for a bobcat. He has to know how to. He can't have a bobcat.

[Jay]

I should probably have a bobcat.

[Dan]

You can't have a bobcat. You'll kill somebody.

[Jay]

I'll sell. I'm gonna sell the thing and get myself a bobcat.

[Dan]

Christine's gonna drive that right into your gym. Right into your gym. I didn't know what I was doing. You can't. You're on the road. You're on the road. Get a guy. You're a guy. Get a guy. They'll come over soon as it's done, and they'll come, and then it'll be done. And you'll be like, I don't even know how they did that physically as human beings, how they did it. And they'll just use shovels, which is nuts.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Yeah. You know what they do have, though, that I saw? You can attach it to the back of your truck. It hooks onto the ball on the back of your truck. It's a plow head. So you just back up and it pushes the snow. That's pretty crazy.

[Jay]

Good thing about the truck is it just goes right over.

[Dan]

I know, but then you pack the snow down, and then it's too hard to get up with a shovel.

[Jay]

Well, then when I got out of the car, I realized it was up to my knees when I descended down.

[Dan]

Yeah, that thing right there. That's crazy.

[Jay]

Black Lou had something on his thing today. That was the plow that drops the side down. Yeah, that's in. That's in Canada. Um, but yeah, it's a plow that also takes the snow and puts it into a dump truck. Well, the one puts in the dump truck. Then you showed one that where the arm drops down to get your. In front of your driveway. Yes. If all these things exist, why they do it the wrong way still?

[Dan]

Because they gotta pay for that thing, you know?

[Jay]

I hate people.

[Dan]

The worst part about shoveling is that the next day when the plow comes for the city road, they just cement you into your driveway, and then you gotta go deal with that.

[Jay]

Look at that. Yeah, perfect.

[Dan]

Yeah. It's amazing, right? Yeah. Where is that? Is that also in Canada? That's in Canada.

[Jay]

But it's like, how much taxes do we pay? You tell me. We can't get that. Dude, Black Lou wants to be white so bad. He just watches Canada videos all day.

[Dan]

That's how you do it. By the way, that's the first.

[Jay]

Black Lou calls Canada the motherland.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's the first.

[Jay]

That's not the motherland. That's the first setting other black people.

[Dan]

The first course in becoming white is watch all Canadian things.

[Jay]

Gotta watch Canadian videos. They don't take you there.

[Dan]

Yeah, you. You should just get a guy to come over. She calls him and they. Oh, they would actually. You don't have to call them. They just come.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

I apologize for Christine coming in a little bit late. It is borderline my fault. I got a Car out of the driveway this morning with four wheel drive low. You know what that means?

[Dan]

Yeah, I do.

[Jay]

I'm just learning.

[Dan]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jay]

Four wheel drive low, which will pretty much get you over anything. I think I can climb a house of four wheel drive low. So it got her out and then, you know, so she could be there. And then I went back inside and I was like, I got the car out of the driveway for you. And when she got on the highway, it was still in four wheel drive low.

[Dan]

You didn't put it back.

[Jay]

She called frustrated. And I was on the phone with fenoia.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And she called, and I was just like, you're in the queue at this point, having a good laughy conversation. And then she called, like, another time, and I was like, well, that's probably something. So I hung up with him to call her back, and she was like, I can't get the car to accelerate.

[Dan]

You fall low. You got to just switch it.

[Jay]

You got to pull over.

[Dan]

You got to pull over neutral and put it back in.

[Jay]

Right? And then she goes, I'm pushing the button. It's not turning off. It's not turning off. And I go, hold the button in. And she didn't. She goes, all right, thank you. She was so frustrated sounding, and it is funny because that was just a guess to hold it down. I didn't know if that was going to turn it off either, but it did, because when she goes. When she goes. Thank you. I was like, worked. She goes, yeah. And I went, okay.

[Dan]

The tranny falls out. Yep, it worked.

[Jay]

Yeah. I hate it. But the neighbors, the. The buddies. No, I think it was his. Maybe his dad or somebody just goes, you wanted to live in the suburbs. So again, they're just like those phrases I'm a little overhearing now. Welcome to homeownership. Makes you want to fucking. I want to put a fucking brick through their window.

[Dan]

Yeah, I know.

[Jay]

Welcome to homeownership. That's not what homeownership always, always is. And I was asking this, why can't there has to be the best thing for everything. Do you know what I mean? You don't have to worry about the constant things.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Isn't there just the best. Can you just do the best thing for it once?

[Dan]

Yeah, it's a Mexican guy.

[Jay]

No, I mean, like the thing.

[Dan]

He'll do everything.

[Jay]

Like our windows. Our windows in the house.

[Dan]

I have Fabio that comes over and does anything.

[Jay]

But I bet you have some of these problems. Our windows in the house. Crazy drafty. Crazy drafty. In front of those windows. And I'm like, isn't there just a way to make that not the case?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Has it not been perfected yet?

[Dan]

Fabio, My windows are drafty. Okay, I'll be over and then. They're not drafty. My gutter fucking fixes them, dude.

[Jay]

Huh?

[Christine]

You have to change the windows.

[Dan]

No, you can fix them. You can put some. You put the coal pane. Well, yeah, that's expensive. You could put caulking around the windows.

[Jay]

No, but it's expensive. I'm not even saying I can get these things or afford these things. I'm just saying tell me there is the thing to work towards for everything.

[Dan]

You could have the perfect.

[Jay]

I know. You could have a water heater that's not a fucking big tank and just be a thing on the wall. Now that should be the thing they keep saying about your. And these. By the way. This is coming from the babblings of treat me like a 13 year old girl who knows anything about home repair or anything. But they're always like, you know, make sure you don't have one of those houses where you have to let the water drip so your pipes don't explode or you do this or that and it's like, isn't there just a thing they could do to pipes to make sure that never happens? Like pipe warmers had these things never been. They have to exist.

[Dan]

They have pipe warmers. You can have. You can have pipe warmers put on.

[Jay]

There's roof heat, there's roof heat, there's driveway. Driveway heat. Yeah, probably walkway heat, there's walkway.

[Dan]

I have bathroom heat.

[Jay]

Bathroom heat's not a necessity. That doesn't change something in the house. So that's a problem. That's a luxury change.

[Dan]

My old feet, when I go to the shower and I go, your plantifasiitis. And then I go. Now I go, ah. When I take a poop, I'm like this, dude, there's everything you can do to your house, right?

[Christine]

So.

[Dan]

But it's the cost of doing it and who's going to do it.

[Jay]

But I'm just saying there is a solution for all of these things. Yes, there's the perfect floor. These epoxy floors I keep seeing in my algorithm can't be real.

[Dan]

They're real.

[Jay]

I would have that happen in my house tomorrow.

[Christine]

But too expensive to. To, to build the house with everything that would be perfect and never give you. That's the problem. They do use this stuff and then it's on your.

[Dan]

The problem with those Things too is you get these things done and then they break and you fucked. Like my. If my heated floors when we first got them, they weren't working. So he had to go in and pull up a thing. And that sucked.

[Jay]

Sure.

[Dan]

You know, but so when they do break, that's like when I got a fridge, I wanted the fridge that does everything and. But you get those things and then they break. And your fridge is just a fucking dumb fridge that doesn't work.

[Jay]

Isn't there an update on a fuse box that's not a bunch of fucking wires? Looks like everything I'm gonna touch, I'm gonna get zapped across the room like fucking Marty McFly. Maybe it's the kitchen. I feel like I'm gonna slap against the wall and slide down. Yeah.

[Dan]

The fuse box, I think is the most frightening thing in the house.

[Jay]

I'm like, why is it so archaic?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

In the middle of everything, it's just exposed wires everywhere.

[Dan]

Well, we got. There's all different versions of it.

[Jay]

Switches and markers to tell me everything.

[Dan]

We got a. It's written in pencil, it's a marker.

[Jay]

Yeah, it's like kit. I guess that's one of the kitchen things.

[Dan]

We got the generator for the house and you could get the generator for the house that automatically turns on, runs on propane and just if the thing shuts off, it just flips, goes, and you don't miss a beat. But we got the one that you have to go outside, pull the generator out, start it. But I have to plug it into a certain plug I had put in. But I have to make sure I shut off a certain thing on the. The fuse box. I know. And he showed me five times and I still forget it.

[Jay]

Yeah. Christine's really like, if me and Christine break up, like, I have to leave because I don't know, like, she's. She's looked at the things, she's had time to like, study and things. I'll have no idea. She's like, well, we gotta shut off this valve and this valve for the sprinkler thing right now. And I'm like, dude, if it would just explode if I thought about myself.

[Dan]

If Don. I was thinking about this this weekend. If Don died, I'd be fucked. I don't know anything. But on the bright side, I was like, I'm just Gonna get a two bedroom in Manhattan and then send Max to PS7215, whatever school is in that area and just live life and deal with it.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And just go and just be like dude, walk up the street to school. Come home. Here's the key. We'll have a blast.

[Jay]

Where's Dawn?

[Dan]

She's dead.

[Jay]

Oh, she's dead.

[Dan]

I'd have to sell the house.

[Jay]

Oh, okay. She died.

[Dan]

I'd have to sell everything and just fucking collect that money.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Because I'd have to sell, simplify everything. I don't know the bank accounts. I don't know where the. I don't know any. I don't know my. My. My Medicaid. I don't know. I don't know how to spell Massachusetts.

[Jay]

Me and Christine's exit. Exit meeting would really be like, do we have a plumber? What's his name? How do you get a hold of him? Does he show up? Is he good?

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm hoping. I. I hope I die first.

[Jay]

Who's the handy guy? Do we have an electrician? Is there an electrician? I think there is. Right. And does he handle this stuff? No. I'm going to.

[Dan]

I'm going to start giving handjobs to Fabian like Don does.

[Jay]

Is that scary noise, the heat coming on? Because I don't know. I'm not here enough.

[Dan]

I know. I wanted to get. I wanted to change the heat out for the split units. I wanted split units all over because they don't make the heat. We have oil heat. So when it comes on, it's just like click, click, click. Oil heating king, king, ping, ting.

[Jay]

Ebenezer Scrooge.

[Bobby]

It's not really expensive.

[Dan]

No oil heat.

[Jay]

Oil heat. No. It's like fucking frontier prices guy.

[Dan]

The guy came the other day. Just fills up this big grubby tank.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

I think Bobby just trades goods for it. Yeah.

[Dan]

I traded beaver pelts and buffalo highs.

[Jay]

Yeah. Banana bread loafs.

[Dan]

Yeah. No oils. It's a little tiny thing too. It's the easiest one. And it's the same.

[Jay]

What is this we're seeing? Oh, you had this. I was just like a thing that was up. I was just trying to find the snow stuff we were talking about before four and then we just switch seats. Oh, yeah, that's nothing.

[Dan]

I would like to know what the best snowblower is like. What?

[Jay]

I think my neighbors have it because they all had the same one. When I saw them out there killing it with theirs and then watching me punch mine.

[Bobby]

Ours is really intense.

[Dan]

What do you mean?

[Bobby]

It's just like a huge.

[Dan]

How. How it. But. But it.

[Jay]

I hate it.

[Dan]

But why does it. But you're saying it doesn't work. Does it not turn on?

[Jay]

No, it works it's just like.

[Bobby]

I don't know.

[Jay]

Second, can I be honest? The batteries go quick. I also don't think it's just not actually great for the brick part.

[Dan]

Yeah, you're right. Be right.

[Bobby]

I think it's catching the shovel you had.

[Dan]

What do you mean?

[Bobby]

On your Instagram shovel.

[Dan]

The. The power shovel. The Greenworks 80 Volt. It's pretty good.

[Bobby]

Yeah, I saw that there was a deal with that in another snowblower. We just need to ask our neighbors what to do.

[Dan]

Why don't you just get the snowblowers snowblower that your neighbor has.

[Jay]

I need to get rid of this one. For everything about getting rid of.

[Dan]

How much you want for it?

[Jay]

How much for my snowblower?

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

$7,500.

[Dan]

But dude, it's not. That's a lot of money, bro. Yeah, that's like pick up. Only I get an antique Corvette for that much money.

[Jay]

You don't know what I paid for it.

[Dan]

Yeah, I do. I told you to get it.

[Jay]

That's true.

[Dan]

I'll buy it.

[Jay]

No, I will.

[Dan]

I'll buy it. Because yours is better than mine and mine's fine.

[Jay]

Is it?

[Dan]

Yeah, yours is the upgraded version. Greenworks 80 volt, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

Three batteries.

[Dan]

Oh, dude. I'll buy it tomorrow. How much? 400 bucks.

[Jay]

How you getting it?

[Dan]

I have a truck. I'll drive to your house and throw it in the back of my truck.

[Jay]

We'll ride it up like whisper quiet and.

[Dan]

Does it have.

[Bobby]

No, it's crazy. It's like for.

[Dan]

I don't know what it.

[Bobby]

Like for a football field or something.

[Dan]

You know why it actually sucks the power out? Because you got the one that moves.

[Jay]

Oh yeah.

[Dan]

Mine. You push.

[Jay]

This one drives.

[Dan]

Mine doesn't drive.

[Jay]

Got away from me a couple times.

[Bobby]

I'm gonna crash this thing into the. I was like really careful when I got to the house. I would stop like way far away from it just cuz I was like, watch me fucking destroy something with this.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's. That's the ultimate.

[Bobby]

I mean, it's nuts.

[Jay]

It's like, you get it, I'll do half price. So you get it out of my house.

[Dan]

All right. Oh, you spent that much?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Do half.

[Christine]

Half.

[Dan]

Jesus.

[Bobby]

I bet we could sell it for half.

[Dan]

Yeah, yeah, you could. But why don't you sell? I'll buy it. What do you want? A thousand?

[Bobby]

Why don't you just send us the one our neighbors have and then you take this one.

[Dan]

Whatever your neighbors have.

[Jay]

You should just get the one my.

[Dan]

Neighbor said, but I don't know why you have a problem. I don't mind. I do the whole driveway on one brick.

[Jay]

Has a lot to do with it because I tell you, when I got to the sidewalk part into the sidewalk, the sidewalk was surprisingly easy and good. That went actually well.

[Bobby]

Yeah.

[Jay]

So it's going the end of the driveway and the actual brick driveway. It's. It catches and I probably the bricks up when I'm doing that.

[Dan]

Yeah, the bricks suck. To shovel.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Or snowblower. Anything. Even with a. A better.

[Jay]

You know what you do really easy with them is you could heat it because they just pull the brick up and lay stuff under and then in between.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's true. You don't think you can pull the brick up.

[Jay]

Nobody listens to our show.

[Dan]

I know. They don't care. They're just. He's waiting to play a sound. He's waiting to write something down that.

[Jay]

Made a whole reference to yesterday.

[Dan]

Black Lo's waiting for Christine to have a stroke so he can jump.

[Jay]

Bobby said it was super easy. Bobby said. Yeah, he's hoping Christine.

[Dan]

I got it.

[Jay]

He said. He goes, are you kicking Christine out? Jay, start talking back. Are you kicking her out?

[Dan]

Jacob's trying to learn how to close his eyes without you knowing.

[Jay]

Yeah. Hey, is she going to stay on the street show if you kick her out?

[Dan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay]

Is there a ban on gas powered things in? Wayne, what made you go? Battery, Bobby?

[Dan]

The battery one works fantastic.

[Jay]

That's the one you have right there.

[Dan]

Yeah. Well, now I have the 80 volt. That's.

[Bobby]

That's 80.

[Dan]

No, that's. Is that an 80 volt?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby]

But you have the 22.

[Dan]

I have the 22. I have the bigger version of that. But I do have that shovel. That shovel is the.

[Jay]

So what would you do with your one?

[Dan]

I'd sell it for a thousand dollars. No, I'd probably. I'd probably. I'd probably sell it next year. I'm buying a new one next year. I'm going to get the one you have next year.

[Bobby]

No, just take it.

[Jay]

I thought you have one now.

[Dan]

I will take it. Can I do payment plans so Don doesn't get mad at me? Can I. Can I launder? Can I launder money through you, Christine?

[Jay]

Probably take it honestly and just do something nice for us one day.

[Bobby]

Just put in a star Starbucks.

[Jay]

You know what?

[Dan]

I'll do it.

[Jay]

You know what? You pay for Keens.

[Dan]

We'll just do a lot. A bag laundering scheme that we have.

[Jay]

Well, it's so funny.

[Bobby]

I never did that with you.

[Jay]

I tried, you know, my eyes on moving when we moved. So like big on certain things. That's what's kind of like. It's almost like having to make corrections now. That's why I got like the gym, like the whole piece with the stack and all the stuff because I got that bench. That was awesome. But it takes up the whole garage and you could just bench press on it.

[Dan]

That's it. No decline, no nothing.

[Jay]

And I got the dumbbell set. Looks so nice on there, but it takes up so much space for. I use two sets of those dumbbells only. So Lewis got me on a good thing. So I was just like. We're just trading dumbbells. He has the adjustables.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

That I saw last night that are great. Really? The Bowflex ones are smooth.

[Dan]

Yeah, I have them too.

[Jay]

So I'm gonna. And I go, yeah. So if you just get these out of here, we'll trade. So we can call it an emotional trade right now. Bobby, you come get that snowblower out of my fucking garage.

[Dan]

How about this? I give you another set of adjustable dumbbells so you can. The thing about the adjustable dumbbells that sucks is that you have to adjust them. Right. Hang on, let me hear me out. I see your confusion.

[Jay]

Are you trying to get rid of adjustable dumbbells?

[Dan]

No, I have a Joe Weider set of adjustable dumbbells.

[Jay]

You got the back of a comic book. Joe Weider. What's it filled with? Sand?

[Dan]

No, they're fucking great. They're the high end, buddy.

[Jay]

That guy got a 12 year old Arnold Schwarzenegger in shape so he doesn't understand modern day athletics.

[Dan]

They come with the stand and everything and the standard from when. But. So if you're doing like 20s and you want to do 35s, you can set them, you know, the two sets and different things so you don't have to change it out.

[Jay]

I'm not going to have anything in my gym that says Joe Weider on it. I'm not a fucking 17 year old working out in 1985. Why don't I want. What do you work out? You work out with those wearing a tight rolled headband around your head.

[Dan]

All right, then I'll trade you with.

[Jay]

Aggressively positive 80s rock.

[Dan]

I have a Jack Lalane shake machine that I'll trade for the snowblower.

[Jay]

Are you tired of getting sand kicked in your face? With my new system? And I. Bobby's got the. He's going to give me the weight set where the the arms for the catch are the on inside you have the bench on the outside of them.

[Dan]

And I'll give you my Net Vunicello album working out.

[Jay]

Thank you.

[Dan]

Why don't why don't this show is sponsored by Better Help. Being a relationship, it's hard. Every day is challenging. I've been with my wife for 30 years, been married for 18 years and we're still figuring stuff out. And that's what it is. Relationships are that it's not easy. February is the month of hearts and roses and chocolates. But no matter where you are in your romance journey, single dating or just focusing on you, therapy can be a helpful way to sort through it all. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can help you find your way by understanding what you want from a relationship and taking some of the pressure off yourself. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform and handles the initial therapist matching for you. Just take a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences and thanks to BetterHelp industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. You can also feel confident knowing BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Everyone is still finding their way. Find yours and feel lighter. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] bonfire that's better h lp.com bonfire guys, you.

[Jay]

Know running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com a.

[Dan]

Well built wardrobe is about pieces that work together and hold up over time. That's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on even as the weather shifts. Quince has the everyday essentials with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, lighter jackets that keep you warm and changing seasons. The list goes on. Quints works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. When I finally started wearing quints, it just made me look a little more sophisticated and casual at the same time. It was like I was dressed up, but I still look good and I can wear this stuff anywhere, anytime, any season. And the material is so soft and so comfortable and you just feel like you're wearing something really, really well made. You know when you put a T shirt on or a sweater or a pair of pants or a jacket, you know that feeling of quality. Well, Quince has got that. That's why I love it. So refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com Bonfire Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bonfire One out of five Americans have learned a language on their bucket list. If that's you, make 2025 the year you finally check with Babbel, the language app that makes grammar fun and is actually worth your time. Babel lets you practice real life conversations step by step, without distress. You'll build the confidence to speak up when it matters. From ordering a coffee to chatting with new friends abroad, I use it. And this is the fun part about it. It only takes a few minutes a day. Every day I pops up on my phone and I just start using it and by the end of the day I learn a new word, I learn a new phrase, I learned how to ask for. And I love going to another country. Nothing's worse than when I went to Cuba and they had a hurricane and I couldn't speak the language. I didn't know how to get coffee, bread, say hello. What's going on? I was it was almost like just being helpless in another country. Now with Babel, I'm going back to Cuba with my son and I know how to speak the language. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at babel.com forward/bonfire. Get up to 55 off at babel.com forward slash bonfire. Spelled B, A, B, B, E L.com forward slash bonfire. Rules and restrictions apply. All right, I will. I would definitely take this off your hands because I'm going to buy that one next year anyways. I think after the season. And I'll. I can just sell mine to somebody. But I would definitely do it. But I would have to tell dawn. If you allow me to do this, I'm gonna tell dawn you're gonna give it to me for, like, half of what you say you're gonna give it to me, and then I'll give you the other half in cash. So it's. It's blandering, but it's not. You know what I mean? It's kind of what you. Me.

[Jay]

And I mean this from my heart, okay?

[Dan]

From your heart.

[Jay]

She just cheat. Because you like to wrap your life up in a bunch of deceptions, but in your mind, you're like, well, I'm not getting other pussy, so this isn't that big of a deal because I know some things. Bobby, the streets are talking. When I was at Shane's show on Thursday, a little person who works at a comedy club, we know. She goes, God, I'm so tired of being Bobby's. Yes, that's for me. And Bobby just had to get it. Bag thing. And I'm like, oh, he's using you too. He tries to use Christine for that.

[Dan]

Did I do that with somebody else?

[Jay]

Liz.

[Dan]

Oh, Liz is my other launderer. I really do run a mob bag laundering system. And it's like, I had Liz.

[Jay]

This goes. I don't know where. She goes, oh, Bobby goes, what's he gonna make me tell dawn that I ordered another bag through him or whatever he makes. I go, no, he just makes you do that too. He asked Christina that all the time.

[Bobby]

And the way Bobby talks, you think Dawn's, like, so controlling the money. It's like, no, you have a problem. Like shopaholic.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby]

Hey, she has, like, you'll go broke.

[Jay]

She'd probably rather you get other pussy than spend all the money on bags you don't need.

[Dan]

Here's what I'm doing now is I'm buying little knickknacks off Amazon.

[Bobby]

No, you can't get unsentimental knickknacks.

[Dan]

I got. I just got something. Oh, so bad too, because it came. Usually this stuff comes and I hide it in my office. It's a little thing that you put on the back of your iPad that holds you magnetically holds your phone to your iPad, so you can have your phone and your iPad next to each other. And I hooked it all up and it just fell off the mag off the back.

[Jay]

The.

[Dan]

The sticking system doesn't work using Teemo. I know, I know. I'm gonna stop. I should just cheat. If I was cheating when I was cheating, I didn't buy anything.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Nothing.

[Jay]

Condoms.

[Bobby]

Just pussy.

[Dan]

Just old fashioned puss. Oh, do I miss buying pussy.

[Jay]

Buy some condoms, dude.

[Dan]

I don't want condoms. If I'm gonna cheat, I'm gonna cheat. Roll the dice. Get some aids, get some herbs. Maybe a kid.

[Jay]

Maybe another kid.

[Dan]

Yeah, maybe another kid somewhere.

[Jay]

Dawn. What are you gonna do? Leave? So would I have another kid somewhere. NBA guys do it all the time.

[Dan]

Yeah, he's gonna call you grandma, by the way.

[Jay]

Not like his young, young mama.

[Dan]

Yeah, you're not second mom. You're Nana.

[Jay]

Dawn.

[Dan]

Yaya. Hi, Yaya. Don't call me that.

[Christine]

You.

[Jay]

Hey, don't talk to my son like that, Dawn. Don't talk to my other son like that.

[Dan]

I can't cheat. I wish I could. I wish. I really wish I could.

[Jay]

Black Lou, don't film the part where Bob.

[Dan]

Yeah, don't say that. I don't want to cheat. Keep that on. I love my. I. Look, I love my wife so much. And I'm happy. I'm so happy. I love her. Just have to learn boundaries. I have to learn.

[Jay]

I wish I could cheat.

[Dan]

This is trying to get us a hit video. That's why. Turn it back on.

[Bobby]

Oh, no. I'm FaceTiming.

[Jay]

But I feel like you're putting your cheating energy into finding manipulative ways.

[Dan]

You're very. You're very inside. I am an addict through and through. I am an addict. So if it's drugs, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, tobacco, and here's the thing, too, we.

[Jay]

Need a little deception in it. I understand what you're saying.

[Dan]

So now it's. Now it's gadgets.

[Jay]

But I'm saying you need a little deception. You don't just. At the end of the day, your results are the same. Literally, if you go, it's like, dawn, I. Blah, blah, blah, I worked. I'm getting this thing. I want to get.

[Dan]

I gotta hide pussy in a bag.

[Jay]

No, I'm saying like, you could technically just like not put foot downs. The wrong words. That's not your relationship. But I'm saying you could be like, I want this thing. I'm getting it. What do you mean I make a lot of money? You could do that, but you. Like, there's a little bit of, like.

[Dan]

Yeah, there's a little cheat.

[Jay]

There's a little excitement. Oh, my God. Is she gonna see that bag? Is she gonna see that bag? Anthony?

[Dan]

If it's new, do you know what I. You know what I call it, right? I. I do these things. I call it a mission.

[Jay]

A mission.

[Dan]

I put. I give myself missions. Yeah, that's what they are.

[Jay]

Just cheat.

[Dan]

It's. That's still a mission.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's.

[Jay]

You're going to be happier with that mission.

[Dan]

That's a dangerous mission, Jay, but you're.

[Jay]

Happier with that mission than you are holding a fucking bag that you eventually have to sell because you're like, why do I have so many goddamn. I don't have this many things.

[Dan]

Yeah, I know. I have too many things.

[Jay]

You just keep shifting your things from bag to bag.

[Dan]

I just found a microphone. I bought microphones for a microphone.

[Jay]

Why?

[Dan]

I have. I bought these little case.

[Jay]

Your microphone is something to say.

[Dan]

I had these DJI microphones.

[Jay]

Sure.

[Dan]

And I. There was a microphone. A little mic that you put into the microphone. And it's just a wire that goes smaller mic. So you could hold it. Like a little mic.

[Jay]

What are you, Bob Barker?

[Dan]

Yeah, it was like a little Bob Barker mug that I've never used.

[Jay]

Like a Bob Barker mic for a GI Joe.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's a. It's a. Dude. I'm not gonna fight it. It's a problem. I like. I like technology and I've. I've taken sex.

[Jay]

You've always liked technology, but I've taken. You also got.

[Dan]

I got the more than technology back in the day, and I had less money. I didn't have enough money. I live with Billy Burr. Pussy's free if you know how to fucking get it. It's like mining for gold. Just hang out. Get enough. Hey, you were funny. How funny was I, Black Lou?

[Jay]

You filmed that? Dude. That's the meme right there. Did you hear what you said? That was like a PSA's free if you know what you're doing.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Double gun barrels.

[Dan]

Yeah. So, I mean, back in the day when I used to hang out and I mean, that was a mission.

[Jay]

Ask her if you. Rather you cheat.

[Dan]

No.

[Jay]

Or have. Or. Or. Or buy frivolous things. No. No.

[Dan]

Because I'm afraid of the answer. Do what you want.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Dan]

I don't care. I'm moving into the tiny house with Barry. Who the fuck is Barry? Barry that's our.

[Jay]

He's a tiny man.

[Dan]

He's our Mexican guy up in New Hampshire.

[Jay]

Is he?

[Dan]

Yeah, he. They don't have Mexican, so there's white guys.

[Jay]

Oh, he's a white Mexican.

[Dan]

No, he's a white. Just a white redneck. You up in. The further up north you go, you.

[Jay]

Still say things like, andalay to him.

[Dan]

Yeah, andalay.

[Jay]

Vamos, amigos, vaminos.

[Dan]

Yeah, it is a. Chicks were fun. Trying to meet chicks after shows or trying to hook up was a fun thing. Having multiple hookups was great.

[Jay]

It might be more dangerous for you, too, because you're far more social than I am though, too.

[Dan]

I'm far more social. But here's the thing, too. But when it. When you weren't getting it. You know what I mean? When the. Because you go in spells, it's like you got a bunch and everything you're vibing, but then it always dies off somewhere. There's like a dry spell. Those are the worst of times, when you have nothing and nobody, you know? That's why. That's why you got to go to hookers. And that's just the bottom of the barrel. What's up?

[Christine]

If he was single because we've seen him in action. Bobby is a smooth talker. He'd be getting ass.

[Dan]

Well, I would be getting ass. That looks like my wife now.

[Christine]

No, I disagree.

[Jay]

I mean, you do. I mean, I'm not saying it wouldn't look like her, but younger for sure.

[Christine]

Younger.

[Dan]

Maybe 30s, 40s, maybe 30s, without a doubt. You think?

[Jay]

I think if you're just talking about pussy. Late 20s, I don't know.

[Dan]

I feel like I've been out of the game and you guys are trying to talk me back in. I just.

[Bobby]

You've never gone out in a world where like, 30s is, like, young and hot to you, so that's like a unique place to be.

[Christine]

Well, I've always liked girl.

[Dan]

I've always liked older women. I've never really liked young girls.

[Jay]

Right, but you think 30 is an older woman.

[Dan]

30. 30 is more mature.

[Jay]

Yeah, more mature.

[Dan]

They're more mature. 30, late 30s, mid 30s. That's a chick who's been through life a little bit.

[Jay]

If you're talking about a relationship, for sure. But you're talking to hook up. You can go. You get late 20s, probably even early 30s.

[Dan]

I wouldn't mind.

[Christine]

You could have gotten.

[Dan]

I wouldn't mind. To check in the 40s just because they're going to be as tired as I am.

[Jay]

Bobby, stop putting this Dog whistle out over the air to try to get 40 year old women trying to. He goes, if you're 40 and you can just keep your dumb mouth shut.

[Dan]

Like a small ass. I like big tits. Fake or not.

[Christine]

Could have picked up that Instagram beautiful girl that served us.

[Dan]

Yeah, but I would have picked her up from one night and what do you argue? Yeah, yeah, but then she would. Here's what she would have done after we were done. All right, what did I do? It would be like she did heroin.

[Jay]

She got hypnotized.

[Dan]

Yeah, yeah. She'd shake out of it.

[Christine]

No, I disagree. She was. She loved talking with you.

[Dan]

Yeah, but that only goes so far, Jacob.

[Christine]

After one night.

[Dan]

Yeah, but have you ever had sex?

[Christine]

Yes.

[Dan]

Okay, you answered my question a few.

[Christine]

Times.

[Jay]

With a couple different people.

[Dan]

I do have to find. Here's. I, working out was becoming an addiction. I haven't worked out since Wednesday and I feel like. I feel like. And it just so happens every time I stop working out for you, it's.

[Jay]

Just so fun to have anybody Has a body like any of ours. Saying working out is an addiction.

[Dan]

Well, no, because it was like I was. I really wanted to do it every day.

[Jay]

Sure.

[Dan]

So it was like I was in that mode for. For a good month where I was like, I got it. I feel good. It was kind of, you know, routine. And Wednesday I just clicked off because our snowstorm's coming. Gotta pack on some pounds, you know, to survive. Just in case. That's the way my fat brain works. Fat Bobby still lives in my head, dude. And then I was eating. I was just eating breads and all week.

[Jay]

I think you cheating is be the best thing for not just you, your family.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Your overall health.

[Dan]

No, God forbid.

[Christine]

You. Also, I feel a little guilty in this because we haven't done the bonfire workout crew in a while. And that's my own fault.

[Dan]

Yeah. I was doing that workout by myself and I was loving it.

[Christine]

I know, but I'm. I'm such a good motivator. Well, it was.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Christine]

On the clock.

[Dan]

No, you were. It was good. For a minute there, it was good. But here's what sucks is I didn't work out for four days. And then last night I went to my cigar lounge and one of the guys came in. He goes, ah, you're getting fat again. I was like, what? And I literally wanted my body to implode on itself and then eat itself. I felt like. I don't know why those. You know what I mean? When someone notices that you gotta look like a. It's not like I'm 360, you cunt. Yeah, I took off a middle aged woman.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

I mean, I. I mean, I put.

[Jay]

On a tea petite.

[Dan]

I might be. I might be swelled up a little bit. But you. But it's in your head. You're like, I haven't worked out. I feel a little blah, blah, blah. Oh, and then, yeah, you put on.

[Jay]

A couple completely different in your mind. Yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

But it just fucking crushed me. I wanted to go, like to the gym right then and there.

[Jay]

I see pictures of myself now and I'm still like, oh, my God, what a slot. It's like nothing's changed. Oh, you crazy, Bobby.

[Christine]

It's time to crush some bands. We're doing it Saturday.

[Dan]

Saturday. I'm in.

[Christine]

All right.

[Jay]

I'm in training, getting ready for the fight. Bobby's training.

[Dan]

I love this. I love the bands to do it right. But it's. Here's the thing.

[Jay]

It's like, hang on, Bobby, one second. Fight training.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

N word. Got to get it right. It goes everywhere. It can fit in every single song. I'll find a place for it to film.

[Dan]

Ah, man.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

I don't know. It sucks being an addict. It sucks having that thing where you always got to have something.

[Jay]

I'll tell you.

[Dan]

And it's the lesser of two evils is what you try to find or replace it. And replacing it is a hard thing to do.

[Jay]

I'm saying save money, save your family. Cheat.

[Dan]

Yeah, but if I cheat, I'm going to wind up paying for it. I'm going to go down the road of paid sex.

[Jay]

How much do you need it?

[Dan]

I told you, I'm an addict. Yeah, dude. I started out with Coach bags. I wound up with Louis Vuitton. Because of your girlfriend.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan]

I got. I got a $150 coach bag and thought I was in the mix. And then I found out not really.

[Jay]

Can I tell you a funny thing with ordering that I just had? It was such a good and bad. So I ordered that functional trainer. Got the big functional trainer coming.

[Dan]

Yeah. And I ordered a trainer. A trans trainer.

[Jay]

Yeah. Transitioning trainer. Let's go, Jay. Get up. I got a transitioning trainer. Yes. Yeah, I got that coming. I ordered it and I ordered separately the bench. I showed you that bench. That was cool. The Iron. Iron master. It's called V2 bench. It's very cool to use with the machine. And I emailed about, you know, I was like, hey, just. I put the order in. I thought the email was kind of wrong that was in there. I fixed that now. But here's my actual email. And my email is, I use my personal email, which has my name in it. And he goes, he writes back, he goes, hey, just want you to know, ship this out on this date, FedEx is going to be coming to you, blah, blah, blah. And I'm sorry if this is forward, but my curiosity is so peaked. Is this the Big J? And I wrote back, yes, sir. And then he wrote back like, oh, huge fan, blah, blah, blah, that we're coming to see in Seattle.

[Dan]

Right?

[Jay]

It's so cool. I go, well, you know, I keep seeing. Not getting any updates on this because of the email thing. Wrong email that. I'm not getting updates on the big machine either. So I go, let me email them. Probably gonna recognize the thing too. And they wrote back, goes, we're on backorder, man. It's gonna take two to three weeks. You'll get it when you get it. I'm sorry. Okay. Did you say, hey, guys, I'm the Big J. I'm the Big J Okinson. Guys, you are dealing with the Big. Yeah, I should tell Iron Master. I should tell Iron Master to call Major Fitness and be like, hey, tell Major Fitness this is the Big J Okers. They treated me like I was a jerk off. They go, yeah, dude, it's on backorder. So it's coming two to three weeks. We've upped our staff. We're doing what we can.

[Dan]

Here's the worst part about those little hookups. When they note it and say, oh, that's great, is if.

[Christine]

If.

[Dan]

If in years to come when that guy doesn't work there anymore and you call back up. And the. I had, I had a hookup with the countertops when I was doing my kitchen. The guy was like, dude, is this Bobby Opie and Anthony? Yeah, dude. Dude, I got. You hooked me up, gave me a big discount and then we moved into this house. I called back and I was like, hey, I'm. I'm looking for blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it doesn't work anymore. Hey, Yeah, I was friends with them, you know. I'm. I'm Robert Kelly.

[Jay]

Cool.

[Dan]

What do you need? I was like, ah, the hookup died.

[Jay]

The guy who hooked up getting us our last car when we lived in the apartment, you know, and drove it down from like, sear. I picked out what we wanted in it. You know what I mean? Like, he drove it down with somebody. He worked. He was the big. Then he was like, you know, he stayed in touch and then he's like, dad, dude, not working anymore. And by the way, it's like under some bad circumstances. Then he was back with them. He's like, I'm back. And then the next time I heard from him was like, hey, dude, could you post this? GoFundMe, dude, I'm having some real hard times.

[Dan]

Oh, shit.

[Jay]

I was like, hi. Geez. Did you see God bless Lewis? I was at Lewis's house last night. Everything in his house is being done by him. He's like, yeah, I need this to be done right here. Because the H VAC system's having a little bit of a problem. But another fan says they know H Vacs, they're coming over. And then the fan who built the machine and then another fans go. I go, damn, dude. Yeah, you're really gonna. Leaving yourself wide open to everybody. I think, hey, you want to go see where Lewis J. Go?

[Dan]

I think Lewis invented Craigslist through his fan base. Yeah, dude, he's been using. I remember when he would do gigs, he'd be like, yeah, hey, I need a ride.

[Jay]

Four hour rides.

[Dan]

Yep.

[Jay]

Long rides with a stranger.

[Dan]

Yep. Doesn't care.

[Jay]

So weird. God bless him.

[Dan]

It is weird, but also.

[Jay]

But as a stranger. But it was a fan, so in his mind, it was like he could sit there. That's like a time where you could drive for four hours and have a guy go, God, what's it like, dude? Under the stage lights like that, he goes, well, as a born performer, I think, you know, like, he's gonna be.

[Dan]

Do me a favor. Hand me that book. That's my book. Open to page 56. This is where comes from drive and read.

[Jay]

Hey, you want to listen to my audiobook three times.

[Dan]

The problem with the when you friend or somebody that you know or is a fan hooks you up that if something goes wrong and you become a pain in the ass, if you paid for it, go yourself.

[Jay]

Exactly. You're pay. Dude, you already got the thing for like on like the half price. What more do you want?

[Dan]

That's the worst.

[Jay]

And you're like, oh, nothing. I just got wrapped up into the hookup of this. Yeah, you're like, I would have paid for all of it. But when you started telling me you were hooking me up, I started. Started getting wrapped up in the hookup. Yeah, because it is the thing at the end of the day when I was like, I was worried when that guy was gone from that place, I'm like, yo, what are we gonna do? When we want to get the car traded in this time, he goes, just go trade it in to a guy.

[Dan]

To a guy.

[Jay]

And then Christine said that I was a comic to that guy and that guy. I promised Saturday Live tickets, too.

[Bobby]

I don't know how we got from your comic to promising SNL ticket.

[Jay]

That's exactly it. You don't know how. No, I know. I can tell you exactly how.

[Bobby]

Stop talking.

[Jay]

Who you know, blah, blah, blah. Saturday Live is my favorite thing. You know anybody Saturday Live. So, I mean, gets there.

[Bobby]

Lie.

[Jay]

You should have lied when you went there and said, he's on the road. He's a comedian. Look him up. They all knew my stuff. When I walked back in there. It was awful.

[Dan]

It's awful. But the hookup is good until it goes bad.

[Jay]

There was no hookup. Yeah, Zero hookup.

[Bobby]

They didn't give you.

[Dan]

They knew you and didn't give you nothing.

[Jay]

They didn't know me. They got to know me. After Christine said, he'll be coming in to buy this to finish the thing. He's on the road. He's a comedian, blah, blah. So then they started looking me up.

[Dan]

And then they still.

[Jay]

When I came in.

[Dan]

So your comedy wasn't worth the hookup? No, they were like, hey, he's good. Not a hookup.

[Jay]

Not a hookup.

[Christine]

Good.

[Dan]

Yeah. This isn't Louis C.K. good.

[Jay]

No, I don't think we were hooked up at all.

[Bobby]

We weren't hooked up with the fan either. That's the thing is sometimes the fan stuff. I had a printing thing.

[Jay]

No, we were hooked up. Can I tell you something I would consider a hookup? This guy brought the car to my front door, took the other car away, and I signed three minutes of paperwork and it was official. It was all real deal. It was done. That's a hookup in its own thing. That's a hookup. Not one second in a car dealership dealing with a thing or a person or waiting. And that's. That's a hookup for sure.

[Dan]

Yeah, I had a. My. My friend do my plumbing in the house. I mean, he gave me a huge hookup. Did all the plumbing in the new house for all the bathrooms and kitchen, but under the. In the bathroom, in the main master bathroom. Sometimes when you turn the water on, it's kind of not coming out with pressure. And to save money, he didn't do copper pipes. He did flexible pipes. What? So if the maids just put stuff in there and it kind of kinks the pipe, so I have to go under and un like, move the little flexible hose around and then the full water pressure will come out. And then when I called him up, I was like, hey, dude, this is not where he's. Yeah, I, I, you know, I gave you a deal, but I, I didn't put in the copper pipes. I. To make it a. You know, I put in the flexible.

[Jay]

I put in paper pipes.

[Dan]

And he's like, you want me to put in that? You want me to do that? And it's like, ah, dude, no, I'll just stick with the. Thanks for the deal. You gotta kind of just take it on the chin because.

[Jay]

I know. Because if you bought it, you would just go, what's the best option? What's going to work the best? Can I afford that? If I can't, what's the next best thing? He just goes like, I'll do a hookup for. I'll make sure your water runs. That's always really saying the water is going to come from one place to the other. That's all you got to worry about.

[Dan]

And then when you call that person, it's like, what do you need now?

[Jay]

Right? And then you're like, yeah, exactly. And I. And then you know that eventually they're going to say something like, never meet your heroes. Right? Like, you fucking reached out to me and told me, you know how to do this. You were like, yeah, no, I'm a fan and I do this.

[Dan]

Yeah, it's the worst. And you know, they're talking. Dude, he called me again last night. Oh, my God, the hot water and the heat went off.

[Jay]

Oh, I guess it's fucking flexi pipes I've never heard of are kinking. Oh, I guess this water's not coming out because this straw that I made for pipes is bent.

[Dan]

And I fucked up when we did the bathroom. You saw my shower. It's like 7ft by 5ft. It's just unnecessary.

[Jay]

Fit your entire family in there. Your tiny family could all fit in there.

[Dan]

The dumbest shower ever, But I love it. But it has the huge rainfall, the two shower jets in the wall, and then the handheld on the other side. And he goes, dude, put the pipes on the other side. Because the pipes now are on the kitchen side. And if anything happens, I'm gonna have to rip down your kitchen to get to these pipes. I have to rip all these tiles down. And I was like, I like it on this side, I like it over here. Because I. And they just go, fuck it, because I'm giving you I don't give a shit. And now, if anything goes wrong, I'm gonna have to get a new kitchen.

[Jay]

Destroy your kitchen, Fix your bathroom pipe.

[Dan]

Yeah. Get a new kitchen, and I'm going to take all the tiles off. It's going to be fucked. The other wall.

[Jay]

Hey, this guy, you wanted to live in the suburbs, though, right? He could have just welcome the homeownership.

[Dan]

He could have just cut into drywall and just fixed the pipes on the. In the bedroom. From the bedroom.

[Jay]

I don't go you. And by the way, it's not the wrong move. You're looking for a deal. Louis is looking for a deal.

[Dan]

I like a deal. I'm not looking for it.

[Jay]

I like a deal, too. But I mean, I am also willing to just go, like, if we could. As little contact as possible in this. And I just tell you, and you tell me what the thing is, and you do it.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And then, you know, I'll order you guys a pizza. If you're here for a while, you pay for it. I'd rather just, man. Yeah, like the hookup thing. And the thing is, like, the guy who did Lewis's gym thing is a fan, and he's like, he did it great. I went and looked at yesterday, and it is built perfectly. He did a good, really good job. It's smooth. Everything's smooth on it. I'm like, now he's gonna know where I live, too.

[Dan]

Yeah. It's also the thing, too, is that you get these emails or text messages, like, two years later during Christmas and, hey, happy birthday, man. Or, merry Christmas, man. Hope everything's going well. And you're like, who the is this? And then you get a scroll back.

[Jay]

I'm the guy from the hot tub place.

[Dan]

Yeah, this guy hooked me up. Hey, how you doing?

[Jay]

You have to find back and see one message where it goes like, hope you really enjoyed all those treats I brought you in whateverville. And you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan]

I do like a hookup, though.

[Jay]

I do like a hooker.

[Dan]

I do like a hooker, too.

[Jay]

I just don't trust the hookup. I always think. I always think there's a. To use your analogy, I always think there's a flexible pipe happening in my hookup. Yeah, I think there's a. I just see that coming.

[Dan]

I have a fence hookup that we were going to put a fence.

[Jay]

Stolen products.

[Dan]

No, that's Christine and Liz.

[Jay]

They're your fencers.

[Dan]

They're my fencers for bags I'm selling. No, I want to put a fence up in the backyard and someone Contacted me right away and was like, hey, man, I do it. Blah, blah, blah. He's all the way in Rhode Island. He's like, dude, I'll come up.

[Jay]

And I'm like, that's what doing the thing goes. I'll put myself up in a hotel. I'll bet you're like, buddy, I don't.

[Dan]

Want you to do that, please. Because then it's gonna be like, ah, there's no hotels. Where are you gonna say, I'll just sleep in my truck. I'll just come in, sleep downstairs with Maxa de Max. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm not gonna let you stay. I guess we're family.

[Jay]

One of my tattoo. My tattoo artist lives in Chicago. He came with the whole crew. He came with the whole crew. He's like, you want us. Like, let me. If you want to do tattoos in the green room. I was there for, like, you know, since some 3pm on Saturday. Did we do tattoos in the green room. And I want some stuff, and there's stuff I need him to fix too. And, like, I was like. And then as it gets closer, I'm like, do you want me to bring any ideas of what you might want to get or if anybody wants to get something in the green? I was like, oh, man. Just come enjoy the show, dude. You know, I mean, like, I was like, I don't know. After a while, just like, I just. I feel bad, like, just bringing all their. To do it. To do a free. I know it's an advertisement for him too, but, I mean, yeah, they're the skank fest tattoo artists.

[Dan]

I love them. Manny.

[Jay]

Manny. Yep.

[Dan]

The best. He did my. All my recent tattoos.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah, man, he's the best.

[Dan]

The. I love seeing him too.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Dan]

The hookup is a. I had a guy. Remember when apps. Do you remember when comics had apps?

[Jay]

No.

[Dan]

Yeah, dude. There was a time I had. I had the Robert Kelly app, and this guy from Tampa was like, you remember the Robert.

[Jay]

I know. It was a square with the rk. Like the curse of Arcade.

[Dan]

No. You all right, Lou?

[Jay]

Could you pass out from how funny that was? Yeah. This is what you get on camera. Bobby talking about the Bobby app. Please, Bobby, continue.

[Dan]

Pussies like gold. It's free if you know where to look.

[Jay]

He.

[Dan]

No, there was a. You know, because back in the day, I was the king of, like, comic technology, like, social media. My website was ridiculous. I was.

[Jay]

I remember the orbs.

[Dan]

The orbs. I mean, I had three different versions.

[Jay]

A little Bobby, a Little cartoon Bobby came out and threw. Not even cartoon. A little Bobby? Yeah, a little Bobby wearing. What do you think? Small collar, motorcycle jacket.

[Dan]

It was.

[Jay]

And he comes out and he grabs an orb, and if you go.

[Dan]

The microphone.

[Jay]

If you go tour dates, he grabs the orb and throws it at the thing. And then tour dates pop up.

[Dan]

I walk out on the top, but you heard click, click, click, click. Like I had high heels on.

[Jay]

I'll never forget Bobby. Bobby. Bobby's web designer was like his Dr. Gonzo. His name was Kurt Iverson. I never forget because his last name was Iverson. I always thought it was funny. I think he was an Asian guy named Kurt Iverson.

[Dan]

Asian Mexican from Kansas City. I would walk out the top, and there would be a microphone. I grabbed the mic, I take off the mic, and then I go. And the mics would just all go into orbs. And then when you push towards. I would reach up, grab one of the orbs, and go into a bigger liquid orb in the middle, and my face would shimmer.

[Bobby]

Why is this not so an active site?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

$35,000 a month to keep active.

[Dan]

What was it? Ben Bailey joke about my. My. My website. Remember that on the roast?

[Jay]

It's more famous.

[Dan]

No, he goes, yeah. Robert Kelly is the only comedian who has a website that's more famous than him. Yeah, but I had. I had. I had an app guy contact me about comics apps, and he made me this fucking crazy app that, you know, had Google Maps. And my head was in my little head, and you'd touch it all. The link would pop up on the state, those things.

[Jay]

I like that as a. I want an award. It's showing your tour dates. It's showing your tour dates. I don't mind that we got into.

[Dan]

A big fight over it because we won this comedy. The best comic app of the year on Comedy Central Awards. And we got into a fight because he wanted the award, but I wanted the award. So we had to ship it back to each other every six months.

[Jay]

You and Kurt?

[Dan]

No, not Kurt. There's another dude.

[Jay]

Oh, the app.

[Dan]

I would have to mail the award back to him in six months. Then he would mail it back to me, and then I just kept it.

[Jay]

Ralph Sutton's. His first interactions with me of trying to, like, do something together was, I think, talking about an app. You wanted to get behind. You wanted me, like, to get behind it. I forget what it was for exactly. I think it was like. It was almost like a cameo type thing, I think.

[Dan]

Yeah, Apps were big, man, for a Quick minute.

[Jay]

Funny to have an app, but also just the idea, like, the pompous nature of like a lot of those apps that the comics did, or just famous people in general making an app. It's the idea that, like, hey, if you want, your mouse can be my face. Do you know what I'm saying? The idea of that, like, oh, you want to have your. Your Siri voice be my voice? Like, it's so dumb. Like, why would you want that possible?

[Dan]

Yeah, the app, you know, it's funny is my first Robert Kelly Live. They did in Houston, Kurt Iverson. I had that joke. Piss the pants monster.

[Jay]

Of course. What are you? The pissed pants monster.

[Dan]

So if you put the CD into a computer, you. I remember a desktop pet would come out, a little monster would come out on your pants monster and pee on your computer.

[Jay]

Yeah, your piss pants monster.

[Dan]

I was like. But people like, how did you do that? Oh, my God. That's what you gotta do. You gotta have the Pista pants Mazda.

[Jay]

You're moving and shaking. You know why, Bobby? Yeah. You were cheating.

[Dan]

I need to cheat. I need to stop cheating, get my mojo back. My creativity is on the basis of me trying to get going.

[Jay]

You were moving to the stars, dude. And you know why? It's because you. Because you had a good woman and you were cheating. That's why.

[Dan]

I don't know if I was cheating on down then, was I?

[Jay]

I don't know.

[Dan]

Just threw that out there.

[Jay]

Doing the bit.

[Dan]

Wow, that hurt.

[Jay]

Just doing the bit.

[Dan]

Don't listen it.

[Jay]

I was with her cousin, dude.

[Dan]

Oh, God forbid.

[Advertiser Voice]

When you invest with Fidelity Go, it does all the work for you. So while Fidelity Go monitors the markets, rebalances your portfolio, and tracks your progress to keep your investments aligned with your goal, you can invest your time however you want, all while paying no advisory fees under 25k. Invest your money, not your time, with Fidelity Go get [e-mail] Go advisory service is offered by Strategic Advisors, LLC, a registered investment advisor. Brokerage services provided by Fidelity Brokerage Services, llc. Member NYSE and sipc. Yep, I inherited my dad's nose and his sign up for too many subscriptions, gene. But I'm changing the family legacy with Experian, my BFF. Big financial friend. Experian could help you cancel over 200 unwanted subscriptions and negotiate lower bills, saving hundreds a year. Now I can proudly say I also inherited great taste in apps. Get started with the Experian app now. Your big financial friends helping you keep what's worth keeping. Results will vary not all bills or subscriptions eligible Savings not guaranteed $631 a year average savings with one negotiations and OnePlus cancellations paid. Membership with Connected Payment account required. See experian.com for details. Experian.