Alcoholic Heartbreak

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Alcoholic Heartbreak

Date: November 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

In "Alcoholic Heartbreak," Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly plunge into riotous storytelling, exploring teenage heartbreak, the awkwardness of early romance, and the impact of sobriety on their love lives. With their signature blend of no-filter humor and candid self-mockery, Jay and Bobby swap tales about Halloween in suburbia, disastrous attempts at seduction, and the way comedy (and therapy) can fill life’s awkward gaps. Their self-deprecating storytelling is punctuated with wild punchlines, quick tangents on AA culture, and memories of run-ins with witches, all underscored by the realities—and absurdities—of growing up.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Suburban Halloween Adventures ([01:01]–[10:21])

• Bobby describes Halloween in Katona, a small town where residents prepare with "a thousand pieces of candy" for trick-or-treaters.
• Funny contrast between ‘main drag’ and his own neighborhood: On the main street, you get less candy because of sheer volume, but "way more fun."
• Elaborate neighborhood displays:
  • "Creepy Pete's" house, known for his commitment to Halloween and spooky theatrics.
  • A next-door house run by a Pixar alum with hired actors in elaborate cult-themed costumes.
• Jay’s satirical take: "Everyone knows Creepy Pete because he had to announce his moving neighborhood." ([05:41])
• Light ribbing about embarrassing their kids:
  • Bobby dresses as Frankenstein, mortifying his son Max.
  • Max's friends show up as the Karate Kid skeletons (Cobra Kai), sparking debate on who the 'bad kids' really are in 80s movies.

2. Teenage Rebellion and Parent Embarrassment ([09:16]–[10:33])

• Jay and Bobby riff on the language—both cursing and exasperation—between teenage sons and their dads.
• Anecdotes about being left out or overshadowed by the “bad kids” and the shifting coolness of parents.

3. Early AA and Sobriety Memories ([10:33]–[17:21])

• Bobby reminisces about all-male AA meetings ("Just men's meetings"), explaining their culture and how cursing was so rampant they’d compete for F-bombs.
  • "You just won the award for the most f-words in 15 minutes. New record at the men's meeting." – Bobby ([11:13])
• Unwritten rules and gender banter in old meetings; “change in the back” as a light to signal someone’s talking too long.
• Jay and Bobby jokingly contemplate “12 Steps After Dark” or “The 13th Step” as AA meetings-turned-hookup scenes, humorously acknowledging romantic entanglements among members.
• Sober conventions for young AA members are likened to “Skank Fest…but with 24-hour meetings.”

4. Heartbreak and Romantic Rejection ([17:21]–[32:32])

• Bobby’s defining heartbreak story:
  • Meets a beautiful girl in rehab/AA meetings, bonds over months, finally sees her at a big Boston convention for young people in AA.
  • Plans for a romantic meeting, only to later discover (in a devastatingly comic scene) her balloon lying outside a hotel room where she’s having sex with another guy.
    • "I go up to the door and I just hear her getting fucking railed out by some dude." – Bobby ([28:45])
    • "But you didn't drink." – Jay ([29:24])
  • In an effort to rebound, Bobby brings another convention girl to his hotel. She showers, Bobby strips and waits in bed, only to fall asleep and be tenderly kissed goodbye on the forehead as she leaves fully clothed.
    • "I wake up to her kissing my forehead, fully clothed, going, 'Thanks, I appreciate the shower.' And she just left." – Bobby ([31:14])
• The emotional crash leads Bobby to a stand-up comedy show at the convention, where he is captivated and inspired—launching his stand-up journey.

5. The Role of Comedy as a Lifeline ([32:32]–[39:01])

• Bobby credits comedy with filling the void left by heartbreak and sobriety:
  • "Comedy was your booze... now you're getting pussy with comedy." – Jay ([36:13])
• Jay and Bobby swap how-to stories and failed romantic strategies, including lessons from friends and their own awkward encounters.
• Humorous escalation into “sexy ear whispers” and cringe-inducing “moves,” with Jay claiming he prefers “letting the moans do the work.”

6. Sexual Encounters & Consent Mishaps ([41:30]–[46:02])

• Jay shares a story about an attempted threesome with Dave Smith after a show in Pittsburgh, which went awry when he leapt onto the bed, parted the girl's knees, and said, "Mind if I join the party?"
  • "She goes, 'I don't know if I'm comfortable.' And I went, 'I'm leaving.'" – Jay ([43:50])
• Both reflect on the awkwardness of misreading sexual signals and how confidence (or its lack) shapes those moments.

7. Bobby's Origin in Comedy & “Art School” Days ([46:45]–[53:28])

• Bobby explains his start in comedy through college sketch groups and first hit performances, featuring karate theater skits and impressions of late-80s TV commercials.
• Anecdotes about college days with Dane Cook (“he wasn’t dating chicks then—he was a theater nerd, I was the one banging tens”), and the moment they “switched” roles.
• “Witches of Salem” adventure: Bobby and Dane get lured back by two stripper-witches who bathe together “in a 16th century attic.” Bobby panics ("This doesn't happen!") while Dane slides easily into the seductive scene.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You know, if you need candy, let us know. But if you're going to do Halloween, you can't just have a couple bags. You have to have a thousand pieces of candy." – Bobby ([01:35])
• "The house that Mint Mobile built… where Martha and Dennis Leary live." – Bobby ([02:55])
• "Max was like, 'Dad, we gotta wrap this up.' I'm like, 'Why, dude?' He’s like, 'I gotta go.' I guess he had to take a shit." – Bobby ([08:30])
• "Creepy Pete's house—he’s famous up there." – Bobby, on the legendary neighborhood haunt ([05:56])
• "'You just won the award for the most f-words in 15 minutes. New record at the men's meeting.'" – Bobby ([11:13])
• "Smoking hot alcoholic puss." – Bobby, on the young AA meetings ([16:31])
• "I went up to the door and I just hear her getting fucking railed out by some dude." – Bobby ([28:45])
• "I wake up to her kissing my forehead, fully clothed, going, 'Thanks, I appreciate the shower.' And she just left." – Bobby ([31:14])
• "I want to do a real quick step down with you right now. I'm sorry for sticking my fingers right into your... I want to devour every inch of you." – Bobby, parodying AA lingo in sex talk ([39:27])
• "Mind if I join the party?" – Jay, repeating his ill-advised pickup line ([43:50])
• "This lady looked at me and said, 'Let me see your ass.'" – Bobby, on the beginning of his Salem stripper-witch tale ([52:08])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:01] – [04:34] Halloween in Katona: candy wars, Creepy Pete, and embarrassing Max
• [10:33] – [13:14] Tales from early AA meetings and “the light” (change on the floor)
• [17:21] – [32:32] Bobby’s romantic heartbreak at AA convention and how it led to comedy
• [36:05] – [37:43] Mark's lessons on game and “the art of the tease”
• [41:30] – [46:02] Jay’s attempted threesome and "Mind if I join the party?"
• [46:45] – [53:28] Bobby’s stand-up origin: sketch groups, Dane Cook, and being the “hot guy”
• [53:28] – [55:16] "Witches of Salem" story with strippers in a haunted attic

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Tone & Style

• Authentic and Unfiltered:
  • The conversation is direct, occasionally raunchy, and unapologetically honest. Both comedians riff off each other with relentless banter, frequently mocking their younger selves.
• Self-Deprecating:
  • Both Jay and Bobby mine humor from humiliation and heartbreak—whether being friend-zoned, outmaneuvered by women, or falling asleep naked and alone.
• Nostalgic and Raw:
  • Many stories reflect on their early days in recovery and comedy, offering a mix of regret, embarrassment, and comic catharsis.

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode of The Bonfire distills every cringe teenage moment, failed flirt, wild party rumor, and misread sexual signal into an hour of uproarious confession and sharp comedy. Jay and Bobby’s willingness to laugh at their heartbreaks and embarrassments not only entertains, but also sheds light on the realities of growing up, getting sober, and finding a new purpose—often onstage with a mic.

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Recommended Starting Points:

• Jump to [17:21] for Bobby’s heartbreak and the turning point toward comedy.
• For peak “Bonfire” banter and misadventures in seduction, hit [41:30] for Jay’s infamous “join the party” story.
• For a uniquely Bonfire blend of holiday nostalgia and neighborhood weirdness, start at [01:01].

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End of Content Section
Advertisements and plugs follow; main topics conclude at [56:13].

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Producer/Announcer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. How was your weekend, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

So, this weekend was fantastic. First of all, Halloween in Katona is one of the most home. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Friday was Halloween, which was awesome. Halloween on a weekend, there's nothing like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were you handing out candy?

[Bobby Kelly]

We handed out candy to the little kids and then we went out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay. I was gonna say. What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the little kids came out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Little kids. And then you went. And then you and dawn started doing something weird with the bigger kids. The older kids we invited in to watch us do stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, they got a full Snickers bar, if you know what I'm talking about. No. Well, the little kids, we live in a cul de sac. And when you live in a town like mine where there's one street that is the street and it goes all. It's a very long street, goes all the way up and then takes a left. And it's literally, every house on this block has to have a thousand pieces of candy. The city is like, look, if you need candy, let us know. But if you're going to do Halloween, you can't just have a couple bags. You have to have a thousand pieces of candy. So they get donations. Like, we donated candy to houses on the main drag. That's how many people come here for Halloween.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A thousand pieces of candy.

[Bobby Kelly]

A thousand. Now here you say, what if you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don'T and you have 300 pieces of candy?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not saying you get arrested. It's not the uk okay? But you will. You will run into problems because you're gonna run out of candy in the first 20 minutes of the night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would you get arrested in the UK for not having enough candy?

[Bobby Kelly]

You will if you tweet about it. Well, like that's a fact. The rental. The Reynolds residence has candy Reynolds residence is a little farther away from downtown. But this downtown houses are like these huge, big. You know, this where all the really rich people live. And then the Ryan Reynolds, who is upper echelon rich, they live out in the horse country.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where, you know, Martha and Dennis Leary, they live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The house that mint mobile built.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Exactly. In Brexit. And Brexit and Brexit. But so the main drag, it's good. But here's a. Here, here. I. I found a flaw in the going down to where all the people are ready. So on the way from our house at all our neighborhood, which is a beautiful neighborhood, and you walk up, you get way more candy because there's not a lot of kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you. They go take whatever you want so you can grab a fistful when you go to the main drag one. You get one because we have thousands of kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you wind up with less candy and more fun. Or you could go, you know, and the. You know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What's going on? You all right, Jay? What's up?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're freaking me out, man. You good?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hear that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hear what? I hear. Heard me telling the story about candy. It sounds like what, Jay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably nothing. Go ahead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, cool. You all right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. We hang out. We hang out when the sun's out for the little kids. All the little kids come and little. They're cute. And we hand the candy out and then we just leave the candy on the front. So when the teenagers come, take what you want, whatever you gotta do, one's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gonna take it all.

[Bobby Kelly]

And we went down, and Max was with his girlfriend, which was cute this year. Last year we went. He didn't know anybody his first year, so we were with him. He was just with us. And it was kinda. He's running around having a blast. But, you know, there's thousands of kids. This year was amazing because me and her dressed up Frankenstein, the bride of Frankenstein. And we went down. What are you looking at me like that for?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's wrong?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein. You didn't see my. My popular video on Instagram as a influencer. Oh, I'm sorry. You didn't see that. Oh, Christine, you might want to pull that up. Because me and my gal, I called her bf, best friend and bride of Frankenstein. This is us right here. Ready? Putting our makeup on. And I mean, dawn and Ba Bao. I mean, come on, son. How great does that look? All right, so look at. This is the main. This is the bottom of the main drag. Look at how many people. Halloween, the movie in the streets, buddy. It's crazy. Okay, stop right here. Pause this if you can. Okay, so this at the top of the hill, there's two houses. There's Creepy Pete's house, which is a line. And as you're going through the line in his front yard, he has actors and people jumping out. And then you get up and the whole house is lit up. It has all this crazy stuff. Creepy Pete, he's like famous up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This house over, over because of Megan's Law. That's why he's here. Everyone knows Creepy Pete because he had to announce his moving neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, not the best name. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So everyone's aware of Creepy Pete. He had to come up and give us a card and make sure that we saw it.

[Bobby Kelly]

So this house next to Creepy Pete is in full competition with Creepy Pete because I think he worked for Pixar, so he actually spends money on actors. And every year is a different theme. This year, it was almost like a cult. They all had these big cones on, and there's around, you know, 10 guys and girls. And they would stand around, they'd be like, ask him a question, whatever his name was. And they had this guy, this big, huge hologram on a curtain. And the guy was in the house with a microphone so he could hear everybody's question. And they were outside. Ask him a question and he'll answer your question. So he was asking all the little kids. And of course some lady yelled out. I almost told her to go off because they're asking all these kids questions. They're adorable questions.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he goes. Or the kid asks the questions. He goes, why did my dad leave? I don't know. Because your mother is a blood sucking whore. So she couldn't hold her figure together.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was gonna ask that too. I was sitting there. I should ask one. I should. Cause I'm, you know, I'm New York. I'm a comic. I was like. I was gonna. What should I ask? I was gonna ask, does my wife love me still? And I didn't mean I pussied out. I get stage fright in, like, local theater stuff, you know, I get karaoke. I fucking freeze up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I could do karaoke. But what you're saying, though, like, yeah, being. Getting attention grabbing and that kind of thing with a bunch of kids in the. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd be like, no, no, I. I pussied out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I still got like, the kids are gonna be mean to me. Maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

The guy kept looking at me too, like, dude, I know you have a question. You got one. And I was. I was this close, and as soon as I was about to say something, some lady yelled next to me. I. I wanted to just tell her to go. Off she goes, ask him if democracy will survive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

And everybody was like, oh, God, it's Halloween. You shut the up. What a twat. Oh, your kids hate you. Just sucked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She runs away. It doesn't really sound like Katona talking by what you described.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it does. Trust me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's like downtown is all that, and it's like the rest of the country. Downtown is all that. And then as soon as you go five feet out of downtown, it's. It's all trump.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Democracy survives.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, what a no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your children will eventually be slaves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mandani will win, and communism will take over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You will kneel before me.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it's. It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The streets will run red with your parents blood.

[Bobby Kelly]

So it was funny because Max was like, dad, we gotta. We gotta wrap this up. And I'm like, why, dude? We're having a blast. And he's like, I gotta go. I guess he had to take a shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought he's gonna be like. He's like, yo, this chick's good to go. I gotta get out of here. Yo, the time is now, Dad.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got. I got Casa de Max all set up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She saw me. She saw me as a blue PE Power Ranger and got soaked.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it was a great night. That was awesome. We went back to the house. It was great. I don't really typically hear about towns doing anything like this anymore, so it's nice to see. It's. This is the best part about it. As we were walking up this year, a bunch of kids like, Max. Max and a bunch of girls. That's Maximus, you know? So it was. He was stopping to talk to kids all the way up, but he was like, I'm with Aria, so I gotta go ahead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is my stupid dad mom who? The styrofoam head people.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was thoroughly embarrassing the whole night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was going. I was like, dad, stop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should get picking up little girls and fucking freak everybody out. What's that guy doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was so funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry. I'm an actor.

[Bobby Kelly]

These. It's so funny because the. The bad kids in the neighborhood showed up to get Max at the beginning of the night to go trick or treat with them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they would dress like Karate Kid Johnny in the skeleton. They would dress like the skeletons.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I was just like, this is fucking like a movie. This is cr. I almost. I was like, just go with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The bad kids were the Cobra Kais.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Cobra Kais. And then I went out, I go, you know, they were the good kids, right? You know, Daniel was the bad kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was the asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the one kid goes, fuck, yeah, he was. I was like, yeah, you're not going with them. You can't go with them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then Max was like, come on, dad. Why the fuck not? What a dad. Why are you fucking with me? I want to go with my fucking friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said fucking no and stopped fucking swearing. Where'd you fucking hear this from.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The fuck, dad. You made me look a fuck in front of my fucking friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know that? In an AA meeting. There was a men's AA meeting. When I first went to aa, when I was like, you know, I think I was like 16 or 17.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just men's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, they used to have just men's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? Because women naked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because women yap too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where everyone was getting boners from their fucking junkies store. You're supposed to feel bad for them. Then they're like. And then I was blowing three guys at the same time for drugs. You're like, hey, Star, why don't you share again?

[Bobby Kelly]

I need a ride home. 90, hands raised.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now I don't know what to do. Every day I just wonder when's the next going to be in my mouth for these drugs?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I was. I actually. The guy at the end of my. I spoke, I gave my story, and he. He just started applauding right when I. He goes, that was amazing story. And also, you just won the award for the most 113.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

In. In around 15 minutes. That was pretty good. That was. That's the new record here at the men's meeting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did someone actually count?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You never went back to that meeting, did you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. That was my meeting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was the gayest thing anyone's ever said.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was so great because if you talk too long, they would drop change on the floor in the back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. There was an old guy just had a pocket of change, and you just drop it on the ground. If you just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's enough. That's the light. Yeah, that's the light. That was the light back in the day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What a wild scene.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, used to be all men's meetings back in the day were fucking mainly how many chicks you fuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

From the other meetings.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God, non stop. I started a meeting just in your fifth year in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's called 12 Steps After Dark.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's called the 13th Step.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is when things stop getting. Things start getting sad, start getting sexy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get all your shit together. Now try this step. Yeah, I started.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you make amends with my wiener? I know you got some amends to make. Why don't you start right here? My wiener's been sad. It's not in your mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was. I started a meeting. It was called you're not alone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For just guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it was. No, I had. Oh, I had this hot. This hot chick, man, she was smoking hot. Spanish girl. I asked her to be the coffee maker because you have to have the person who sets up the chairs and closes down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then you have to be a Hispanic chick. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I got her to be the coffee maker, of course. And we wound up also the sweet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sweep up after her and put the chairs away.

[Bobby Kelly]

The jizz. Clean her upper.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then shutting her mouth and doing what she's told her.

[Bobby Kelly]

We did wind up on the stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You and her?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, after the meeting one night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, after. Thank God.

[Bobby Kelly]

After the meeting, we want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On the stage under the picked over cheese plates.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to get a new coffee maker the next week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She goes, I eat. Donuts have gone stale. Mr. Bobby. Mr. Bobby. The donuts have gone totally stale.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny. I went back to that meeting years later and it was big, it was packed. And they would talk and everybody was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They have a picture of you, though, like you were a family member back in the day.

[Bobby Kelly]

They didn't even know I sat in the front and I'm waiting to get, you know, recognized or something, right? Some ego. And they were like, you know, one guy, he started talking, goes, let me tell you something. This meeting, you're not alone. I don't know who named it, but they named this meeting, right? Because since I've been coming to this meeting, I don't feel alone. And I wanted to stand up and go, I named it. I named it. And that's why I named it so you wouldn't have to feel that way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the crowd goes, oh, this guy. Buddy, can you just come in and tell your story? Is that a new guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that an AA Thing like you get to title your meetings. You can come up with a cool title if you start it. Yeah, Star wars, anything like, you should.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Treat meetings like black comedy circuit shows. Like flyers. Glossy, high gloss flyers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pass them out in front of bars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to other meetings.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

4 to 4 to 6 is an open cider bar.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Snap it in front of a meeting. You know, check it out. But only pick. Only let hot chicks in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. In front of the meetings he goes, you. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I went to a meeting. I went and did this podcast in Socialita and it's a sober podcast and it's right above San Francisco. It's right above San Francisco.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why there?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. They just called me up, they had a meeting. They have a house there that they. A sober house. A couple of them. And it was recently. Yeah, it was really a couple months ago, you remember? And it was great. It was awesome podcast and it was great talking about sobriety and stuff. When it comes out, I'll let you know, you can listen to it. And. And we went to a meeting, but it was a young people's meeting and I haven't been to a young people's meeting in so long. And it's so hard. Cause there's so many smoking hot. There's so many smoking hot chicks at this meeting, dude. And it was summertime and they were just fucking, you know, just scantly dressed and they're talking about how. Hey, Trishell, is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You need a sponsor. I'll be your sponsor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Karen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta go, darling. I gotta go. I know it's the middle of night. My spine. I'm a sponsor. They need me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could definitely. You could definitely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta run to this chick. I gotta make sure she doesn't suck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was pretty. It's very hard to pay attention when these. I mean, just smoking hot. California girl. Northern California.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's how cults start, dude. Yeah, it's always got a good. It's got some good intention in the beginning. Then you're like, these girls are listening to everything I'm saying. Hey, stupids, suck your own tit and play with yourself while I whack off. Yes, my Lord.

[Bobby Kelly]

Smoking hot alcoholic puss. Smoking hot. They were smoking hot. And there was a couple of them that. That you. Here's what you do. Here's what my problem is, is that. And I did this since I've been sober. Even when in rehab, we had no fraternization policy. So we would go to meetings and you could not Talk to girls. But you would fall in love.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you can, you can, you can. I like, you can't talk to them. You can't fraternize. But you can open your jacket and pull two little airplane vodkas out to show her.

[Bobby Kelly]

They just point to the bathroom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dick move. You go, hey, sweetheart, you want to meet me in the. Meet me in the can. We'll fucking knock these down together.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you this story about how I found out about standup comedy, right? I never told you this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You found out about like that you can try it and do what you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Well, well, I. I kind of was like, oh, my God, I want to do that. I love it. Where I fell in love with standup comedy. My first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You've heard of it before.

[Bobby Kelly]

You started my first live standup comedy show. So they had this thing called Ikka. It's international conference of young people in AA where thousands of people go to a town and they rented all the hotels and they have one main hotel. It's almost like a convention, like a skank fest type thing. But it's 24 hour AA meetings.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not as funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We both have Doug Stanhope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Believe me, a lot of these people are.

[Producer/Announcer]

Stories are good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Feature Doug Stanhope and you go and you get a hotel for the weekend. And you. Everybody converges on this one hotel. They did at the Plaza Hotel in Boston.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to hear this whole story. I'm uncomfortable, though, with the. With the. What your hat's doing. It's extraordinarily distracting.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's my hip hop hat. My hip hop hat. Beyond that, this is for the song.

[Producer/Announcer]

Looks like a pussy Hat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looks like a pussy hat almost.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's a pussy hat? First of all, I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember you went to the Women's March, the hat that they made you wear.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what a pussy hat is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the hat with the two.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a thing like a few years ago. Hey, let me take that off.

[Producer/Announcer]

Look, you're this guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, there's Bobby. I know you love swoop neck sweaters and pussy hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

So sorry about the hat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to take everything you're saying very seriously. That hat was ridiculous.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you're wearing a pussy hat. So I was in rehab for 14 months. And we would go to the same meetings every week. And over the time I fell in love with this, this girl would go. She wasn't part of a program. She would just go to the meeting. She was a civilian, you know, it was a Drug. It was NA too. Narcotics Anonymous. Which is better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hell yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're trying to get the buzz.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Former cokeheads. Much better to than some old drunk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, A lot of chicks like Christine are hanging out, you know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A lot of hotties sucking and for.

[Bobby Kelly]

Coke hotties still shaking.

[Producer/Announcer]

Not since I was a kid, Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly. Yeah, we all, we all grow up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I. This girl was there at this meeting. She had hay hair. I mean it was just beautiful. Naturally blonde, like, you know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, hey, hair I don't think is a compliment.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like, I think immediately as bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's like. It's like blondish brown, you know what I mean? Like not dyed. It wasn't. It's just she was beautiful. She had little freckles on her nose, blue eyes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I've never turns to cancer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Eventually, hopefully, hopefully she has it now at the end of the story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She has no nose. She has a hole in the front of her face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now she has a double mastectomy. Am I still beautiful, Bobby? Tell me I'm beautiful. So I would see her every week and we would flirt and then we got to the point where she would hand me a note and blah, blah. And I would. I fell in love with her. She was my Wednesday love. And I would. And so cut to. I get out of rehab, I go to this convention. It's like the first year I'm out of rehab that comes to Boston. Thousands of young people in the programs are coming to Boston.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Boring.

[Bobby Kelly]

I get. No, it's great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thousand sober teenagers. Yay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, they do a sobriety countdown with thousands of people in the ballroom. And they go all the way down to one day. And the place goes fucking ballistic for this, you know, this, this one person or two people have one day of sobriety. So anyways, I'm walking around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get to the fucking convention after one day of sobriety.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're jumping the gun.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, if you live in Boston, it's not that hard. Just we're going to a meeting at the convention.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they have 24 hour meetings. So you just go to meetings all night, you hang out, you drink, you talk, you try to hook up. Try to hook up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't drink.

[Producer/Announcer]

Drink tea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tea, liquid. Oh, like coffee and tea.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And when you're talking about it that way, it's not really the event. When you say drinking as an event, you mean alcohol?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I mean it goes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hang out, you drink and you get to that person's house and they just have coffee. Is this what you meant?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want to go upstairs for a drink? When I have a nightcap, I have espresso and gatorade. Zero.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love Gatorade. Zero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know you do. That's your nightcap.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. And you have at your house in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your fridge for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mini ones, my favorite. I hate the big ones. I hate the big ones. Thank you very much. I hate the big ones. By the way, I love that you get the minis. So anyways, I go to this convention. My friend Mark Caesar, who's a Berkeley guy, he's a musician, he's a rocker. He's the coolest guy I've ever met in my life. He. He just picks chicks up all the time. And I'm freshly out of rehab. I. I'm still talking. God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. I ruined so many chicks that liked me by going. You know when you have spirituality and you just see the fucking brain shut off?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When did you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want to do that. Fucking eat my pussy, you fucking queen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When did you even out? When did that even out? When you stopped being a weirdo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, this moment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This moment. Stop talking about God.

[Bobby Kelly]

So what happened was I'm walking around. There's thousands of kids. I'm walking around. I come out of a meeting. It's a great meeting. I'm like, oh, my God. Who do I run into? Hey, hair. She's there. She looks beautiful. She goes, oh, my God. I go, oh, now we can finally talk. We haven't been able to talk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know why. Hey, hair's hitting the ears wrong for me. Guess who comes up. Shit tits. That girl that I was mad in love with. I don't know why it's hit me like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Golden, golden hair. It's a golden hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guess who's there. Stank ass. The girl of my dreams.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, we'll change it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fart face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Golden hay hair. Golden hair. Golden hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Golden hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

I look there, she. And we had noticed that we've been. Had this relationship for months, almost a year, and we weren't able to talk or communicate. And now we're actually. There's no chains. And she sees me, I see her. We both light up. And we're hanging out, we're talking, and I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm like, we should hang out tonight. We should. We should. You know, we'll go to a meeting later.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll, you know, I'll follow you anywhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm like, we'll go to a meeting. You know, What? I mean, and so she's like, absolutely. Okay, I'm gonna go. I'll meet you later tonight. So all of a sudden, I go off, I see her, and I'm like, oh, I wanna. I wanna go tell her. I wanna just make sure we're meeting and all that. And I see her kind of walking away, and then I see her kind of go. She's with this dude. And they get into the elevator. So in the elevator, you could see where it went to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And right before the elevator door was closed, he ran his hand up her inner thigh and winked at you. Hey, bud, you like her?

[Bobby Kelly]

So there's a key part of the story that I forgot. So when before we were leaving, the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Girl was a guy, that would be awesome. It was one thing I forgot. The girl was a guy, it was a teacher, and he raped me.

[Bobby Kelly]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I've been thinking about this. My. My cousin, my distant cousin who I grew up with and I loved for a long time, sent me a birthday present, and I never called him back. And it's weighing on me. I'm gonna reach out. I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna talk to him. Just say hi. Thanks. But you know what? The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets. And it just takes a little courage to make that call, just to say hi, someone you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can feel difficult, too. It's very similar to that, but it can be worth it. It can leave people wondering, why didn't I do this sooner? Why haven't I taken my mental health a little more serious? Because it seems daunting. But it's not. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the U.S. betterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals this month. Don't wait. Reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp can make it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bonfire. That's better. H E L P.com Bonfire, everybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you noticed that everywhere you go, it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down? Well, at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered and you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details at metro by t-mobile.com youm know running a business is hard enough, so why make it harder? With a dozen different apps that don't talk to each other, one for sales, another for inventory, a separate one for accounting. Before you know it, you're drowning in software. Instead of growing your business, this is where Odoo comes in. Odoo is the only business software you'll ever need. It's an all in one, fully integrated platform that handles everything CRM, accounting, inventory, E commerce, HR and so much more. No more app overload, no more juggling logins. Just one seamless system that makes work easier. And the best part? Odoo replaces multiple expensive platforms for a fraction of the cost. It's built to grow with your business, whether you're just starting out or already scaling up. Plus, it's easy to use, customizable and designed to streamline your every process so you can focus on what really matters running your business. Thousands of businesses have made the switch, so why not you try Odoo for [e-mail] that's O D o o cold mornings holiday plans.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is when you just want your wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and things you actually wear. That's where Quint comes in. And the bonus quince pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart. Easy with Quint. $50 Mongolian cashmere that's it. Mongolian. That's the one. I got $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feels like an everyday luxury and and wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. I never understood. I have sweaters. I have a bunch of sweaters. I went to Quint's. What a difference. It's so inexpensive. Such good quality. And when you put that on. Oh my God, I can't wait for Christmas. My mom's gonna be mad because I'm not wearing her crappy sweater. Give and get. Timeless holiday staples that last this season with quints go to quints.com bonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in too. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com bonfire free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com bonfire I. I grabbed the balloon. They had red balloons everywhere. I grabbed the balloon before she walked away. And I said, this is for you. And she was like, oh, my God, thank you. And I was like, oh, great. So she's walking away with the balloon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thanks for this. Thanks to this railing decoration balloon you just stole.

[Bobby Kelly]

So. So I had. Dude, before I. I got sober, I had game up the ass when I was drinking. When I got sober, I had no more game. I had nothing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They made you clear. Take it out of your ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

In rehab, you handed her a Pennywise balloon. So I remember.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here, take this and go walk through the holocaust.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I see her. I see her. She's got the balloon. She's walking with somebody. No big deal. She gets in the elevator. I see where I go. I gotta. I wanna go. I get in the elevator next to it. I go up to whatever sixth floor, and I'm walking down the floor and I see the balloon in the hallway in front of a door. And I go up to the door and I just hear her getting fucking railed out by some dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God, I love dick. I hate drugs and I love dick. I'm perfect.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm so perfect, buddy. I was heartbroken. Fucking heartbroken.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you didn't drink.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I wanted to. I went downstairs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

By the way, dude, it would have been so cool if you did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went downstairs. It gets worse. It gets terrible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It would have been so cool if you were fucking boozed up by this point in the story.

[Bobby Kelly]

So it gets worse. So I go downstairs and Mark, who's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you not taking the hint still? You just heard her get fucked. He goes, maybe he's cracking her back.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I go downstairs and Mark has these two girls with him, and they don't have hotel rooms. And Mark is like, hey, they want to shower. And she's like, could she shower in your room? You have a room down the street, the West End. I was like, yeah. And she's like, you'll let me shower in your room? I go, yeah. I'm like, I'm back in. Fuck it. Fuck her. I'm back in. I take this girl to my room, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She just wanted to shower.

[Bobby Kelly]

She goes in. No, she gets naked, right? When we walk in, she just takes her Clothes off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm lying there. Oh, my God. She goes in the shower. I take all my clothes off. So I'm lying in the bed, presumptuous. I'm lying in the bed. And then I'm. I'm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I will. I know for sure. I will know for 100 certainty that I'm. Before I am butt naked of any kind. I'm not going to get rejected and go, oh, I guess I had the wrong idea. Let me go put everything back on like a weirdo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank God I didn't take my socks off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I go in the bed waiting for her to be done with the shower.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my Lord. You posed. You got into a fucking Burt Reynolds.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was so tired. Getting worse. I'm so tired from this long day of all this stuff. I fall asleep. I just fell out. So I wake up naked. I wake up to her kissing my forehead, fully clothed, going, thanks, I appreciate the shower. And she just left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I had to put my clothes back on. Oh, and then I had to get dressed again and I walked back to the hotel. I am fucking dejected. I am so sad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You've been dumped twice and didn't even know it. And the second time, you were naked for it. You were sleepy and naked for it. She'll probably wake me up. She'll probably wake me up by sucking my dick if I do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A forehead kiss. Hey, frog.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I thought you would come out naked and I'd be naked and she'd be like, let's go. Right? She came out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She probably did. You were snoring with a shriveled up little sleep dick. She goes, oh, my God. Oh, look at. Your little pack is out. She covered you and kissed your head like a cancer kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

She did have that shitty Boston accent. She went, thanks for the shower.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She t. She saw. She goes, oh, my little soldiers all tuckered out, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

When she left and I had to get up and I just sat on the bed naked. It was. I think that's where loan one came from. The inspiration.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It does feel like that could have been the true story that Lone was taken from. So Lone was inspired by a true story. So.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I. I get up, I have to get my clothes back on. I gotta go back to. Because everybody's still back there. So I go back there, and as soon as I go in, you're thinking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe the other girl's done fucking. I can jump in for sloppy sex.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never seen her again. So. So this. This kid goes hey, there's a comedy show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a little more pussy happening. Here's some other girls who are fucking everybody but you up in this place. You should head over there.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes, there's a comedy show downstairs. So I ran downstairs. I ran. And I remember jumping over seats to get the front row. And I just sat there and the two comedians come out. It was a little tiny, small stage, little small theater. And they came out and did stand up. One was Bob Keane, who I don't at the time, was the funniest human being I've ever seen. Yeah, I think he still does comedy, too. And then I was considered.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You were going in like negative five, just having someone fucking kiss you in the forehead with your dick out.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then the next guy came up, suit jacket. You know, 19, you know, 80s comedy suit coat. You know, the sports coat. I think he had pads on his elbow, too, Shit like that. And I remember Strange, at the end of his thing, he. I reached my hand, I applauded, and I reached my hand up and he took my hand and he shook my hand. He goes, thanks, man, for coming. I was like, thank you for doing what you do. But that was my first time where I was just enamored that stand up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was like, your mind was ready to attach to anything that night except the reality of what was happening.

[Bobby Kelly]

And here I am.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had your dream girl get fucked by some guy after she fucking told you she'd go to a meeting with you, knowing she's sending you back onto a spiral of fucking darkness. And then some sure thing goes, hey, look at my pussy now. Take a nap with your dick out.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then, I mean, that was my wandering.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You walked in, it was raining, A picture was raining outside. Comedy show. You I'll just get warm, I guess, for a few minutes. This is how I can get pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, you'll never be in the dark again. Because if that girl kissed you on the forehead, you got a couple of funny quips to say, like, oh, well, I mean, you got to kiss everybody goodbye and then point to your dick. But you didn't have that kind of clever thinking back then.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't have my crowd.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, listen, you. I appreciate that, but you got to kiss everyone goodbye if you're start giving out kisses. What about my roommate down here? I mean, he let you shower here, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, you met Big Bob. You want to meet a Little Bob?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We didn't have these skills back then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did that. That's when I. When I went, remember Big Goofy Sam, the girl who was like a. I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You. Basketball player.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I remember. Always wore basketball shorts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yep. And she let me. Titties. I mean, monster titties.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And she let me shower after, like, whatever basketball we played on that. What's it called? Chelsea Pierce. Yeah, Basketball we had. She let me take a shower in her. In her dorm room, and I was like, this is it. It's going down. And then you realize very quickly, like, she's just letting me shower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's the worst feeling in the world.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh. I guess she just wants me to shower here. Oh. I guess she's not interested in me leaving. Well, again, I never had that kind of confidence. What you're doing, though, like. Because in that shower, if she. In my mind, if she was like, want me to get in the shower with you? I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me get. Let me get dried off a little bit and throw something on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, before.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me throw things on all around my wiener.

[Bobby Kelly]

Before rehab, I was a. I had my dude, I was banging. I was banging and lost your edge. I lost my mojo. And then that's when I actually talked to Mark that night. I told him, my friend, my rocker friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy was your booze. Yeah, comedy was my booze because you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were getting booze or you were getting pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now you're getting pussy with comedy. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy years later, became my. My drug of choice. But I remember I talked to Mark about this kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't ever say anything that serious about comedy ever again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, there's no comedy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Comedy is my joke. I goes, really, Christina, I care about you very much, but I only have one true love. The lady comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here's the thing. I want to say this. There is no comedy, Jay. There's only tragedy. Let's be real. So tragedy and time. I. So Mark actually took me aside that night and started. This is weird. But he started teaching me how to get pussy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you're like, well, I've always done it this way. I tell him to come take a shower in my room, and then I get butt naked, and I talked about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then I talk about God, and then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I lay down a fault, take a nap in front of the door so they can't leave without stepping over me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he taught. I remember. He was like, listen, you know what they do to you when they tease you and they get you all rock hard and they give you blue balls? He's like, you got to do that to them. Don't don't get it. You want to make out with them. You want to rub it and then go down there and you get them so wet. And then just graze by it with your hand where they go. And then don't touch it again for like 10 minutes. And then go down again. Get them to where?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate this. I don't like this at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, charm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Figure it out like every other fat person. Figure it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me? I wasn't fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I was. So I learned this on my own. I didn't need some guy to Jedi me through. I don't want to hear a guy talk to me like that. Oh, and then just like, just blow a little air as you go across.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, buddy, it worked. Oh, it still works to this day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't care.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not with my wife.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want to hear how this guy walked you through the wonders of. Then take your eyelashes and butterfly kiss her outer labia.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, that was it. And then get in her ear. You got to get in the ear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, but everyone knows you get in the ear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got to get in the. You can't get my ear now, cuz something will fall out and it'll make an audible sound.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God, that's disgusting. I. Oh my God. That really just. I feel like I tasted whatever fell out of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you'll hear this if you go in my. Your tongue. You'll hear this on the ground.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. No, the. The nose. In the ear. The nose.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I never heard that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Little bit of. Little bit of nostril. Exhale in the nose.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I got. No, I got the mouth. You want to exhale. You want to get in there and go. You like dad? You like me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, well, saying stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at me. Look at me. Yeah, you like that when I touch you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. This is how you talk to a victim. I would say I'm more. I'm more the noises than I would do like, like a whisper in the ear. Words.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you love it so much?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want to do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd rather just let the moan. I rather just let the moan do the work. Just like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to. You don't want to use sentences.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that works too. I don't mind a little subtle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not gonna get in there and go like, I never wanted something so bad. Sexy ear whispers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you pray every morning? I pray every morning. I pray for that and I give thanks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. I'm completely inside of you right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. God wanted this to happen. Do you need. Do you need a sponsor?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I feel you. I feel you with all five of my senses.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to do a real quick step down with you right now. I'm sorry for sticking my fingers right into your. I want to devour every inch of you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gay to say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to taste you. I must taste you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I must. I must taste. I must taste your clit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thirst for your sex.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're asshole juice and pussy juice, I want to taste it mixed up. Ah, like truffle butter. I bet you taste like a tomato juice.

[Producer/Announcer]

Fart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My stomach. Fart on my stomach. I want you to fart on my stomach.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, don't. Don't. Don't do it like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did you say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nothing. I'll just.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did you say? Excuse me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just kiss me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You say fart on your stomach, you fucking weirdo. Get caught up on your stomach like my uncle. Did you ever. Did you ever get caught up and say something up? This is one of my moves. Ready? This is a great move because you'd always want to kill the monotony at some time when you're getting sexy and sexy. I would. I would always. I would always do this. I'd be like, oh, God. You kiss just like my sister.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Piss them off. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just to fuck with him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Excuse me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You kiss just like my sister Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In all of our years, have I said anything ridiculous?

[Producer/Announcer]

No, I said anything ridiculous. I feel like you said, like, if you're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like.

[Producer/Announcer]

If somebody, like, read your text, you'd sound. You might not sound, you know, like. You never want, like, one of your bros reading what you wrote to a girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ever. And we didn't. We. I was. I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You didn't have any.

[Bobby Kelly]

We weren't around. I didn't have any. You had to say it. That's how old I am.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, you're talking about, like, in. In the act of sex, like, saying or asking for something ridiculous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I have.

[Producer/Announcer]

Not with me. You're the. I just always go back to mind if I join the party.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that? What is this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me and Dave Smith, man. It was bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? I think maybe you told me this. No, I don't think you did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, probably if I haven't. It's been a while, but, like, me and Dave Smith did shows at Pittsburgh Improv out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's next to a Dave and Buster's. And after the show, I think I was actually opening For a tell on this weekend. And we went to Dave and Buster's after the show. And we were just being really funny and like flirty with like our waitress who was not very attractive, kind of a. Yeah, she wasn't a very good looking girl. But the. But because we're being funny, her friend, another waitress kept coming over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So it was like sitting there and then we're saying like, oh, you know, that would do like the. If you guys want to smoke weed or something after the show or something. That's. We're right across street in a hotel. And he took our. They took one of our numbers and they called. They called. But it was just the one. But the attractive one, the one that kept coming around.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She goes, yeah, I'm by myself, but I'll come smoke with you guys. And then she got into that room and I mean, I did. I described it as like a Patrice moment that I had and Dave was right there for it. It was just like a conversational breakdown of like, yeah, why wouldn't you just get naked? We're all just kicking it, right? Like. And then she just like did got and was very, like started being semi aggressive. And then because. And I'm talking all this into happening. And then because I'm also insecure and like this, I go, well, she probably likes Dave, like attracted to Dave more. So I'm gonna go on the balcony, smoke a cigarette, let them to get going a little bit. And they're around. She's naked on the bed. She's laying on the bed on her back with her knees, like bent feet down the ground, but they're closed. Her knees are like touching. And I think Dave's just like making out with her. Something around. And then I don't know why, I finished my cigarette, I came inside and like, chest slid onto the bed, like fucking. Like I'm going into a wrestling ring. And took my hands. I took my hands like this, like I made like praying hands and got in between her, like, shins basically, and opened her legs up. She opened her legs up and I. I said the word. My big fat fucking face.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want you to say it the way you said it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, sure. I think it always sounds so menacing when I think back on it. I went, this is what she saw. Her knees opened up and she saw my fat face go, mind if I join the party? She went. She goes, I don't know if I'm comfortable. And I went, I'm leaving. And I left in my socks. And I went downstairs to the Business center on the computer for a little bit before laptops and shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had to go to the lobby. You had to go to the lobby and sign into aol.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but then I came back up because I was like, oh, whatever. And I think I, like, texted Dave or something. I was like, let me know when it's. When it's over. And he couldn't wait for that text because I was just sitting outside the room at one point, and I was listening. It didn't sound like anything was happening. And then he let me in again. Open the door. He's like, yeah. He's like, come on in, dude. And I went in there, and she was just still sitting there kind of, like, naked, but, like, Dave wasn't at all. And then she kind of got dressed and, like, left shortly after. And then Dave was just kind of like, dude, I wish you didn't leave. Because as soon as you left, she just kept doing the same thing. She would, like, start hooking up and then go, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. So he would go, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. Then just get it. Then you could just go. And she'd go, no, get over here. And he was starting. And then after, I think, like, the third time, he was like, I'm good. Like, this is weird. You keep, like, stopping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say something? That's where you do the pussy tease. It would have worked if you just grazed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So when I came in, I go, mind if I join the party? She went, I think I'm uncomfortable. Wait a second.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And then got in her ear. Go. Are you sure?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You go. Take me and Dave inside of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Take Abby. We'll both fit. Trust me, we'll fit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Two, three skanks are filling your holes.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is almost skank fest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're almost getting skanked. What we call skank fest. Before actual skank fest. Me, David Lewis, triple teaming, he was called getting skank fested.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was too bad that nobody. You guys. You three didn't do that. You have one girl out there that's been skankfested.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was never in times. I know. Dave and Lewis did stuff together. Me and Dave did stuff with a chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

The skanks have all done stuff together. Make sure you say with a chair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With a chick. We've. But never Dave and Lewis. Yeah, me and Dave. Me and l. But never. Never the three of us.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not a full skank fest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Never a full skank fest. No girl's ever gotten the full skank fest treatment.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would be a great story. Just one girl out there with a. She could be the honorary skank of Skank Fest.

[Producer/Announcer]

All three of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's somebody. There's somebody that would.

[Producer/Announcer]

There's definitely girls that have had sex with all three of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not at once, though.

[Producer/Announcer]

Not at once.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a. That's not a skank fest.

[Producer/Announcer]

Oh, wait, no, I was thinking there's.

[Bobby Kelly]

One in this room.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you slut.

[Bobby Kelly]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You little shitty.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was. That's how I got into. That's my first time in comedy. I did say. Well, when I got it. When I first did a first show at Bunker Hill Community College with Al and the Monkeys and we got our first skit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. You saw a great stand up comedy and decided to gather your dumb friends and do sketch.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know how great it was. Can you bring up Bob Keane and see how. Cause at the time he was the funniest guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And by the way, it's no dig. Ornie Adams is a great comic, but Ornie Adams, when I came to town and saw him at Gotham, I was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, that's him right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was like, oh, I guess everyone's as good as Seinfeld in town.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's the guy up top. Second little one. Yeah, that guy.

[Producer/Announcer]

This guy here.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's him. Yeah.

[Producer/Announcer]

Okay, let me find him because there's another comic named Bob Keane.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not him.

[Producer/Announcer]

That's not him.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not. Okay, no, that guy's. Yeah, he was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's two Bob Keane's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, this guy was the funniest guy type in comedian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nobody wants to hear.

[Producer/Announcer]

Well, this is him. I'm just saying, if I can find him through this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways, and then I remember going backstage after our first skit that killed at the talent fest. It was Karate theater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go on. Where. Sounds like it was really hilarious, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where Dane would be on one side, I'd be on the other side, like Chinese guys. And he had peanut butter and I had a chocolate bar and Jay and Al from Al the Monkeys would have to be off the mic and they would do the voices and we would just move our lips and we would sort of. And then I'd bump into each other and then they'd be like, oh, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate. And then we'd fight. They would do all the sound effects off stage. Whoops. Where are you going, Jay? Jay, where you going?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't listen to that. In My ears anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish there was video.

[Producer/Announcer]

A long time ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was a long time ago. We all made mistakes. I used to get into my underwear, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we all made mistakes. But it killed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did it alone.

[Bobby Kelly]

It killed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't find four other idiots who also thought it was funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then we had a member who was the guy with the. The first hair. Hair system. Sperling or something like Si.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sperling.

[Bobby Kelly]

Size burling. So he would.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not just a president, he's also a member.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, yeah, I'm not just the president, I'm also a client.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I. He would grab my hair and pull it and I hoo ha, hoo ha, hoo ha. And then I'd take out a sign with. It was a poster of me with a baldwig on. I go, I am not just the president, I am also a client. And the place would just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wasn't even smart enough to know it would be cryant. Cryant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they would do that. I wouldn't do the voices. I'm just mouthing it. I'm checking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, but Al and the other guy are too woke to be.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, they would do cry it. You couldn't pull the skit off now, but I went backstage and I. To all the guys in the group at the time. There were two other guys that were in the group at the time. I kicked them out because they didn't have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You couldn't see. You couldn't see Dane because he had a. A bodysuit made of chicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, back then, Dame Dane didn't. He was not. He didn't date chicks at all. He was a theater nerd. Dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he was a theater nerd. I was the one banging all the chicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, well, don't worry. He made up for it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he made up for it fast. I told you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He leapfrogged you right quick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went backstage and went, I'm doing this. And they went, what? I go, this is what I'm doing. I'm doing comedy. I'm done with college.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Touched by God. My God, again.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had two classes left, two credits left. I quit college and started doing stand up.

[Producer/Announcer]

Wait. For community college or for a BA for community.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was an associate's degree in finance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was. It was college.

[Producer/Announcer]

Two units away from a B.A.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I was going. I was going. Associate's degree of fine Arts. I was going to transfer to Massachusetts College of Art to get my BA and then be an art teacher was my dream at that time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wanted to Be an artist. Fuck all those fucking hairy teenage girls.

[Bobby Kelly]

But. And then. So you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First one. The fuck first one to fuck the students, dude. Art teacher.

[Bobby Kelly]

So Dane got into comedy after you. Dane would date the ugliest, fattest, grossest theater chicks put in his time. It was, I mean, disgusting. Like, he would just. His girlfriends were just these little fat theater girls. It was hilarious. And I was banging. I was banging tens. And then I remember the night, the night it all switched with me and Dane, we were at Kelly's Roast Beef on Revere Beach. The original Kelly's. Back when it was good when they only hired guys to work there. They didn't hire women. It was all dudes and men would work there, which was awesome. Yay. It was. Come to think of it now as a little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys might have roast beef without all the worry about chicks.

[Producer/Announcer]

Sausage fest.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you, the service was good, though. Fast and quick. Not these two yammering. Where you going tonight, Kathy? Anyways, we were down there and these girls drove by and they. Dude, this is. I'm not just tooting my own horn. This is probably my hottest I've ever been at this point in my life. I was wearing outrageous outfits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, dude sucks balls to peak at like 17.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I was. I was probably 20, 19, 20 at this time when I got into comedy or something like that. And I would wear tight Jordache jeans.

[Producer/Announcer]

God, I wish there was like an Instagram role. Your looks.

[Bobby Kelly]

There is a photo of me at this time. My hair was fucking insane. I mean, tight fade going up, curls. It was sick. I used to wear a belt, a leather belt. The big silver buckle with the flap that I would stick down back through the belt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look like A.C. slater, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly. Yeah. I had boots. My boots were ankle boots with laces and zippers. And they were calf skin, but real like fur. Like calf skin. Like the fur, but it was baby calf, but it was black and white, like calf skin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like that. You should have had their faces on the front of your toes.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they were actually high heel, so you could. You'd hear a click, click, click, click, click, click.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turn it up, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're at the beach and I'm sitting there, Car pulls up, smoking hot blonde. And this other brunette, not as hot, but still cute blonde, sticks her head out the window. Hey, let me see your ass. I was like, what? Let me see your ass. You got a great ass. So I turn my ass and I bend over. They get out of the car, they walk over to us, they're like, what are you guys doing? I was like, what are you doing? And they bring us. They go, we're going back to our house. We live in Salem. I'm like, let's go. So we go back to the house in Salem and they live in one of these, I mean, 16th century old Salem houses, right? We go up, they live in the attic. It's fucking creepy. We find out they're witches. I'm freaked out.

[Producer/Announcer]

They live in Salem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stripper witches, by the way. There were strippers. That's how they made their money. They didn't make their money on witchcraft.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have I known you for 20 plus years?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's never come up before that you've been stopped on the road for your ass, Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crazy. Crazy. So we're there. I'm freaking out because they go, we're gonna go take a shower. They literally undress in the living room and go in the shower together. I start panicking because I'm like, they're witches. They're gonna try to do something. This is too. This doesn't ha. There's no. We didn't make any moves. We didn't do anything, you know, rubbing the pussy, whispering in the ear. You like that, you witch, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those pilgrims are wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to stick your head in water and see if you live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should be allowed to practice whatever you want to practice. Sorry about your burnt friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

I start panicking. I've never panicked before. I start panicking. Dane sees guitar. He starts noodling. He grabs the guitar.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My girl's lighting fucking candles that's on each five points of a pentagram.

[Bobby Kelly]

These girls are walking out naked from the forward. Forward.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just a little something I threw together. Forward.

[Bobby Kelly]

They start walking out from the darkness naked. It's candles are lit. I'm like, we should go. Dane goes, he looks at me. This one, it all changed. He goes, bobby, get your fucking shit together now. And he just strummed on the guitar, ladies. I was like, what just happened first? There you go. My incident. Maybe we should get to the incident on the next hour.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We have to.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have to, we have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow, that went fast. Bobby is going to be at Comics Come Home this weekend at the TD Garden in Boston. This weekend, everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm always running, but I'm standing still.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Still.

[Bobby Kelly]

Witches are coming together. That's right. You encouraged it. My favorite line. Play it again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. No. You did it, man. And then he goes, yeah. And he goes, I want to hear it again.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did it. I'm going to be a comic to mom this weekend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me finish the song. I'll get you. I'll get to your plugs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna be at Skag Fest and then I'm at Providence, Rhode Island. Get your tickets for Providence. It's gonna sell out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He used to be the one who got all the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Point Pleasant, then New Jersey. In New Jersey. Go to Punchup Live Robert Kelly for all my stuff. And please go to my YouTube page, Big J. I can't wait for this. He's going to be at Side Splitters in Tampa this Thursday, November 6th through Sunday. All shows are selling out. There's still tickets available on Sunday if you want to catch him. He is going to be the funniest motherfucker in Tampa. You got to go see Big show up. It's going to be full. And of course, Gramercy in New York for Story wars on Tuesday, November 11, and New Orleans for Skagfest Salt Lake City after that. Tickets, all the shows please go to bigj comedy.com and go to bigj comedy.com for his double album.

[Producer/Announcer]

Sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? It's gone. Sold out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sold out.

[Bobby Kelly]

You missed out. Aha.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

500. Pretty cool.

[Bobby Kelly]

Aha, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

500. I made.

[Producer/Announcer]

Yeah, 500.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna make more, right?

[Producer/Announcer]

We kept a couple.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you get me one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Can't we just get them printed?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I was gonna. Yes, you can, but don't tell them that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm saying for. I'm saying for us.

[Producer/Announcer]

We can probably get us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there's probably, like, I probably needed 10 people I want to give them to.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Absolutely.

[Producer/Announcer]

There is a thing though, with the album printing where it's like, I have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To buy another record dealer.

[Producer/Announcer]

You have to buy another 500 to print another one.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, we'll be right back with my incident. It's the bonfire.

[Producer/Announcer]

The incident.

[Bobby Kelly]

Something, something.

[Producer/Announcer]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Every Mazda SUV offers you an elevated driving experience and refined performance. Discover it at your local Mazda dealer today.

[Producer/Announcer]

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