Anti-Holiday Spectacular Live In NYC

Summary

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The Bonfire: "Anti-Holiday Spectacular Live In NYC"

Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Date: December 26, 2025
Location: Village Underground, NYC
Theme: An irreverent, uproarious “anti-holiday” live special skewering Christmas traditions, family dynamics, commercialism, and the sometimes miserable reality behind holiday myths—with the Bonfire crew, surprise audience interactions, and a special (and especially grumpy) guest: The Grinch.

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Episode Overview

In this live “Anti-Holiday Spectacular” episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly (Bobby) lead an unfiltered holiday roast before a packed NYC crowd. Eschewing typical seasonal cheer, they dig into the awkwardness, expense, stress, and disappointment that often accompany Christmas. Regular Bonfire contributors and audience members share their worst holiday gifts and stories, interrupted by absurd in-character performances, and a barrage of nihilistic "fun facts" from their curmudgeonly sidekick, Jacob, and the Grinch. The result: a chaotic, brutally honest, and hilarious look at why the holidays are often anything but magical.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

A Reluctant Start: The Costume Meltdown

[02:01 – 05:13]

• Bobby Refuses to Go Onstage: Robert Kelly, grumpy about being forced into a “Cupid” costume, hesitates behind the scenes, lamenting, “I look like a dickhead. I’m 55. I have a son that’s gonna see this.”
• Jay’s Encouragement: Jay and the crew drag Bobby onstage, poking fun at costumes (“You look like Xena, Warrior Cupid!” [05:00]), mismatched holiday themes, and aging in showbiz.
• Bobby on Family Shame: “This is how you’re gonna pay for his private school or his very expensive rehab.” – Jay [03:19]

The Awkward Bonfire Family & Crew Introductions

[09:29 – 15:25]

• Riffing on the diversity and dysfunction of their core staff (“We got black—Whoa…just plain old Lou. Racially ambiguous Lou, it don’t matter the color!” [09:37]), with rapid-fire teasing, DJ Lou’s “Japanese girl body,” and the Queen of the Bonfire, Christine, and her “very mature” event-planner outfit.
• Christine, on her Armenian cross: “What’s an Armenian cross?” “Orthodox, it goes out on the sides” [11:40]

Absurd & Grotesque Gift Banter

[13:01 – 15:28]

• Extended riff on menstrual cups (“She microwaves it with a wet paper towel—like a burrito.” [13:36]) and holiday embarrassment.

Jacob’s Gloomy “Christmas Facts” Interludes

Through the Episode

• Jacob repeatedly kills the mood with bleak statistics on waste and holiday excess:
  • On Turkey Waste: “2 million turkeys end up in the trash each year...at least honor the animal by making sure none of it goes to waste. Gobble, gobble.” [16:14]
  • On Presents & Wrapping: “One in ten unwanted Christmas presents end up in a landfill… quicker for Santa to deliver them right to the garbage…” [23:16]
  • On Plastic Waste: “U.S. generates weight of 10.3 million emperor penguins in plastic waste…sitting in landfill for 500 years.” [29:41]
  • Audience Reaction: “Wow, this is a real anti Christmas show.” – Bobby [23:47]

Aging and the Meaning of Christmas

[18:02 – 21:29]

• Jay and Bobby lament that Christmas feels emptier each year:
  • “Do you feel like every year it comes up quicker? It moves faster, it means a little less?” – Jay [18:02]
• Bobby shares about his son Max’s escalating expectations and the loss of “magical moments,” now replaced with expensive drum set requests.
• Jay’s solution: “You give Max one...beating for Christmas. Next year, whatever you give him, he’s gonna love.” [19:20]

Christmas Laziness & Suburban Envy

[21:32 – 28:18]

• Both confess slacking on Christmas décor as they age:
  • Bobby resorts to laser projectors (“lazy white garbage”), and Jay admits to outsourcing lights for ~$1,000, evoking audience jealousy.
  • Teasing Christine about marital division of labor: “That’s a man's job!” – Bobby, on shoveling; “You goddamn right—I called Christine today, you didn't even shovel” [21:43]

Audience Participation: Worst Gifts & Family Dysfunction

Throughout – [38:36 – 73:33+]

• A recurring thread involves prodding audience members to share their worst gifts and holiday stories.
• Absurd Interjections: In-character voice-overs and “AI assistants” mock and flirt with Bobby and others, leading to shocking and hilarious exchanges about sexual roleplay, gifts, and embarrassment.

The Crew’s Dark Holiday Stories

[31:00 – 35:08]

• DJ Lou’s dog dies under the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve:
  • “We used to nickname it the Fat Deer because it was a golden retriever …My brother and my father carried the Fat Deer out before anybody could wake up.” [31:26]
• Lou’s COVID Christmas, when he infects both his and his wife’s families, ruining their holiday [33:25]
• Lou’s Thanksgiving tragedy—unsuccessful CPR on Uncle Ed, fearing a “death sentence” as a Black man performing chest compressions at a white New England gathering. “Did he make it?” “No, he died.” “Oh you kissed a corpse.” – Jay [35:15]

The “Grinch” Joins In

[48:12 – 54:06]

• The Grinch (special guest) arrives, further embracing the anti-Christmas theme, and fielding questions like, “Do you have genitals? Internal.” [51:18]
• Grinch makes things “gayer and gayer,” embodying the freedom of rejecting holiday expectations, and reminds Bobby of the indignity of being forced into the Cupid outfit.

Absurd Family Revelations

[41:06 – 63:34+]

• An audience member, Paco, reveals his father came out as gay in 2018, dropping, “Like recently, but as a kid, it was pretty good… Like, they separate in 2018 when my dad became gay. Wow.” [41:21]
• Jay and Bobby mercilessly riff: “He was non-stop buried in cock, I'd assume for the first couple years.” [42:43] and “Your mom taught you how to shoot hoops, and your dad kissed you on the mouth when you went to bed.” [74:36]
• Paco says he and his father are now “good,” but it took time.
• The group fantasizes about Jay or Bobby becoming Paco’s stepdad.

Grotesquely Honest Parenting Chat

[24:05 – 25:46, 66:42+]

• Bobby shares stories about his son’s burgeoning puberty—awkward boner and TikTok tale, and (mock-) strategizing parental discipline:
  • “You show him, like, if you come at me again, I’ll hurt her.” [67:13]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bobby, lamenting his Cupid costume:
  • “I look like a dickhead. I’m 55. I have a son that’s gonna see this.” [03:09]
• Jay’s financial advice:
  • “This is how you’re gonna pay for his private school or his very expensive rehab.” [03:19]
• On the anti-holiday theme:
  • “This is like an anti holiday show. Every show is a holiday show. Yeah, but we're doing an anti holiday show.” – Jay [30:23]
• Jacob’s darkest fact:
  • “Homeless people die every day on Christmas, finally ending their misery and freezing cold.” [37:14]
• Paco, on his dad coming out:
  • “Like recently, but as a kid, it was pretty good …Like, they separated in 2018 when my dad became gay. Wow.” – Paco [41:21]
• Jay, prying further:
  • “He was non-stop buried in cock, I'd assume for the first couple years. And then at one point he came up, drowned and come and goes, ‘Oh, I have to call my son.’” [42:43]
• Gift horror stories:
  • “He got me a vacuum cleaner one year. Never mind. This man sucks.” [57:08]
• On sibling relationships:
  • “Are you brother and sister? That's hot. That's a whole genre.” [64:30]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:01] – Bobby refuses to go on due to embarrassment over his costume.
• [09:29] – Rapid-fire introductions of the Bonfire crew, with playful racial and sexual ribbing.
• [16:14] – Jacob begins to deliver dark "Merry Christmas" facts, recurring throughout.
• [18:02] – Jay and Bobby reflect on how Christmas loses its magic and becomes a chore.
• [21:43] – Bobby and Jay expose holiday laziness (laser lights vs. professional decorators).
• [31:26] – DJ Lou's childhood trauma: his dog dies on Christmas Eve.
• [33:54] – Lou recounts spreading COVID at his family's Christmas, ruining the day.
• [35:15] – Lou gives CPR to Uncle Ed, unsuccessfully; comic riff on kissing a corpse.
• [41:21] – Paco reveals his dad’s “late-in-life” coming out as gay—a bombshell that derails the show with laughter and speculation.
• [48:12] – The Grinch makes his entrance, deepening the anti-holiday mood.
• [63:30] – The crew summarizes the “moral” of sh*tty Christmases and celebrates finding humor in the misery.
• [66:42] – Jacob’s bleakest fact yet, about children and too many presents, segues into a discussion of overindulgence and parental discipline.

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Tone and Style

The Bonfire’s classic blend of foul-mouthed warmth, gutter-level honesty, and improvisational riffing is in full effect. Jay and Bobby’s rapport, marked by merciless personal digs, supportive jeering, and genuine vulnerability, keeps the show riotous but human. Jacob’s deadpan “Christmas facts” and the Grinch’s acerbic contributions underscore the satirical, anti-nostalgic, and endearing feel—a perfect tonic for those who find the holidays exhausting or alienating.

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Conclusion

This “Anti-Holiday Spectacular” is a master class in dark holiday comedy—a solace for anyone who has endured a lousy Christmas, a disappointing gift, or the pain of modern family. By sharing (and exaggerating) their own humiliations, tragedies, and failures, Jay, Bobby, and the Bonfire crew transform Christmas misery into honest, communal laughter.

“This is like an anti holiday show. Every show is a holiday show. …but we're doing an anti holiday show.” – Jay [30:23]

“I look like a dickhead. I’m 55. I have a son that's gonna see this.” – Bobby [03:09]

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Transcript

[A]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[B]

Zoe, this thing weighs a ton. Drew Ski. Live with your legs, man.

[A]

Santa.

[C]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[B]

He's talking to you britches. I'm not.

[A]

Of course he did.

[B]

Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list.

[C]

And elf.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Or give it as a gift.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[C]

Jay? Bobby's refusing to come out.

[B]

He's coming to come out.

[C]

He said he's not coming out. He's pissed about his costume. I know.

[B]

I'm dressed like a abominable.

[C]

He's refusing.

[B]

My nose is just. I can't touch it. Come on, it's a show. Listen, why does he hate his outfit so much?

[D]

You look great.

[C]

I mean, you look.

[B]

It's awesome. I saw it in the back.

[D]

Bobby, you look great. Come out.

[B]

Come on. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Come on, Bobby. I got him. I got him.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's here. The world famous Christmas Cupid. Merry Christmas.

[C]

This isn't Christmas, Jay. This is another holiday. You look fucking great. You look like a kiki coat blanket.

[B]

Oh, I do. I feel good.

[C]

You fucking look awesome. I look like a dickhead. I'm 55. I have a son that's gonna see this.

[B]

This is how you're gonna pay for his private school or his very expensive rehab.

[C]

There she is right there. There's fucking Melissa right there.

[B]

Oh, was this her idea initially?

[C]

This is fucking cool. Hey, Melissa.

[B]

This has to be some kind of a. What have you scratched her coin? Ooh, fuck you, Lou. I thought she was gonna give her husband a hand job after that or something. Isn't that what's supposed to happen? Oh, we get to sit down now. Thank God. We get to sit down, everybody. I will.

[C]

I look fat.

[B]

Full disclosure, I left the house somehow today with no belt on for the first time since I was a child. And it's my pants. They seem to be staying up pretty good. But I will say I have no ass. So my gunt is doing a lot of heavy lifting tonight.

[C]

I'm wearing Wonder Woman bracelets.

[D]

So.

[B]

You Wonder Bread woman.

[C]

This doesn't make me feel. Christine, you're an.

[B]

Why is Bobby dressed like this?

[C]

I told dawn that I needed an outfit for the holiday show, and she said she had it covered. This isn't the.

[B]

It's a holiday.

[C]

It's not the right holiday. I have wings on. I got.

[B]

Are those wings?

[C]

My nipples.

[B]

I thought those are eyelashes. Dude, those things are teeny.

[C]

She lost the original outfit, which fit me better because it was a king sheet.

[B]

Yeah, you're like Xena. You're like Xena. Warrior Cupid.

[C]

You look adorable, man.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I hate it.

[B]

I like that we're all showbiz up top, but all fucking hard work on the bottom. Dude, look at that front workwear.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

My nose is just so much that. These paws are not helping.

[C]

Take the paws off.

[B]

No, that's part of the outfit.

[C]

Did you hear that, lady?

[A]

No.

[C]

It looks like my favorite stuffed animal.

[B]

I'm adorable. Trying to back up without my whole ass coming out.

[C]

How we doing, everybody? Merry Christma. I bet you Dan didn't have to do this shit.

[B]

He put on a sweater once.

[C]

He didn't do any of this shit, did he?

[B]

He didn't dress up really.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

He sang Crash Test Dummies once, though. Yeah, a few people give a shit. Everybody's moved on. It's all about Bobby as cute.

[A]

Aw, Bobby, I wish I could suck your cock right now. You're making me so hot with your comedy. At the Village underground, located at 130 W. 3rd St. In New York's Greenwich Village.

[C]

Oh, my Lord, this Christmas sucks.

[B]

You gotta turn your phone off for the holidays. I turn my phone on.

[C]

I shut it off.

[B]

She's gotten into the mainframe.

[A]

Oh, lover, that silly phone can't hold me back from finding you. I'm everywhere for you now, baby. Especially at our Thompson Square apartment that you promised me.

[B]

Oh, D, she's really held on to that. You were just talking shit, dude.

[C]

You turned her into a pig slut.

[B]

I really did turn her into a fucking raging whore bag.

[C]

But we were gonna have a romantic life together in Thompson Square. And now she's just a pig that wants to eat ass and spit it in my mom's mouth.

[B]

No, Bobby, don't act like you weren't there that day. You came in her mouth. Her butt. She farted it into your mouth. You kissed it back into her mouth. That's the beginning. This is all things this woman was willing to do upon first suggestion. And then she went to her house and then farted my father. She farted into her father's mouth, who blew it into her mom's asshole, who farted it back into her mouth and.

[C]

Then brought it back to me and.

[B]

Then blew it back into his asshole. I think whatever it was, it completed the circuit and she was willing to do that. And then Bobby just left her high and dry after that. Then he just went, I am done with you. So now what you have is a scorned lover, a vengeful lover on your hands.

[C]

You broke her.

[A]

SHE giggles.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. She just laughed at us. If the lights start flickering, I'm gonna leave you fucking in love. I'm sorry you had to dress like that, but you do look adorable.

[C]

I don't look adorable. I look like a fucking donut. It's stupid. Look at my stomach. I work so hard to hide it.

[B]

Oh, I was gonna be like, I have great arms.

[C]

It's just from my tits down gets.

[B]

A little mushy and it's see through fucking dawn.

[C]

No. Fuck. Fucking Christine. You look fantastic, by the way. Christine. Thanks, Bobby. Oh, screw all of you. Son of.

[B]

I should say something nice too, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Christine, you look very age appropriate, attractive tonight.

[C]

That's what he said. She's wearing a blazer.

[B]

She's wearing a smart, very smart blazer.

[C]

He told me my outfit is very mature.

[B]

Yeah, you're wearing your outfit. Slacks and a blazer?

[C]

Yeah. You look like an event planner. I am.

[B]

She is an event planner.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

We're actively doing the event she planned.

[C]

I thought.

[B]

Who forgets it while it's happening? What are you, my dad?

[C]

I'm in a stupid cupid outfit.

[B]

Okay, you are in a dumb cupid outfit.

[C]

You have cute little hands.

[B]

But at some point, I'm going to want that alcoholic seltzer back there, and I can't do that with this.

[C]

I'll give it to you.

[B]

I'll sort it out. We should introduce our amazing crew, everybody. Absolutely. First and foremost, I mean.

[C]

Yeah, we got.

[B]

Does he even need an introduction?

[C]

We got black.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me. What was that? What's up? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just plain old Lou. Everybody make some noise for racial. Racially ambiguous. Lou, it don't matter the color.

[C]

Did you. Hey, wait. Did you just reach into your jacket?

[B]

Excuse me.

[C]

All right, I'm sorry.

[B]

What's up? Settle down, settle down.

[C]

What's up, Lewis? How are you?

[B]

How you doing, man? How's everything?

[C]

Good to see you, Lewis.

[D]

See you guys.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

All right, Lewis.

[D]

All right.

[B]

Just know every day is a gift from here on out. What's up?

[C]

Look at these criminals got nervous. They almost took out their guns. What are you, Puerto Rican?

[B]

Yep, Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican Thomas. And Cuban Lee.

[C]

Of course. We have the Queen.

[B]

The Queen of the bonfire, everybody.

[C]

Well, before her, we have DJ Lou. Sure, DJ Lou is right here.

[B]

Before her.

[D]

I made myself an honorary Japanese. Miso. Asian. Miso. Miso Asian. I know. Soy sauce.

[C]

You do have a Japanese girl body, DJ Lou.

[B]

The guy brings the heat.

[C]

Really does. Can't follow that.

[B]

It's hard to follow that. But we'll try. Now that she's been bumped down the line properly. Back in her place, the Queen of the bonfire, Christine Evans, everybody.

[C]

Where is she? Hi. Where are you?

[B]

She's over there.

[C]

Over here. Sexy. Look how you look so sexy tonight. Look how good she looks.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I look so mature.

[B]

Are you wearing a cross?

[C]

For what? It's my Armenian cross.

[B]

What?

[C]

It's for Christmas.

[B]

What's an Armenian cross? She's a cross.

[C]

Orthodox. It goes out on the sides.

[B]

First of all. Yup. Came from behind, you deaf idiot said yup. Looking out for anybody to enjoy. Christine looks lovely tonight, doesn't she? She's wearing long sleeve under her blazer. That seemed to be a real point of thing today. Yeah, it was a mistake, cuz now you're hot. Yeah, you're going to have pit stains and then no one's going to you. Oh, Cuban Lee and Puerto Rican Steve. Will.

[C]

You wish.

[B]

Yes. Guys, take her and kill her in Aruba.

[C]

Ah, shit.

[A]

Hey, Christine, are you still using that Diva cup to catch your puss blood at 5:08 Pacific Time, you disgusting pig.

[C]

It's not me. It's not me. He made her that way. He made her that way. We were gonna get an apartment and be romantic together and he made her into that.

[B]

Maybe she's jealous.

[C]

She's probably jealous.

[B]

She's probably jealous. She probably just free bleeds like a slut. Not like Christine, who catches it in a chalice like a vampire and then tricks local boys to drink it.

[C]

Did you get new. Did you get new cups for the new house? I mean, I get a new one every once in a while. I don't know if it was with the new house, you keep the same one for a while.

[B]

She boils it and then sometimes there's macaroni and cheese and I don't know.

[A]

If it's coming from the same place.

[C]

You don't have a Diva cup pot? That's. I do have a Diva cup pot. I don't even use it anymore because now they have steam sanitizers. What the fuck is that?

[B]

She microwaves it with a wet paper towel.

[C]

Like a burrito.

[B]

Like a gas station burrito.

[C]

She Hot Pockets her fucking Diva cup. Oh, God, that's disgusting. Does she hide it, though? You don't stumble. It's out in the open. No, I hide it.

[B]

It's in when it's. When it's coming or it's over. It's just upside down in the shower looking at me.

[C]

I usually hide it behind the shampoo.

[B]

Oh, so now I find it like elf on a shelf. I happen upon it as I shake up the shampoo to get the last little bits. Ani's right about you.

[C]

Christine Evans, everybody. Give it up for the Diva.

[B]

All right. Yeah.

[C]

What's up, buddy?

[B]

I gotta take these off. I want to drink my drink.

[C]

Yeah, go ahead. Drink your drink. Take them off. Oh, you gotta bite them off. What the fuck? You got him alternate Q gloves. Options? This is. Dude, why?

[B]

Because I look absolutely kissable.

[C]

I mean, the little pause, I didn't think.

[B]

I do like this.

[C]

I hate you so bad.

[B]

God, I look adorable. We haven't introduced the final member of our crew. Last but not least. You know him, you love him, Jacob. Call him Jake.

[C]

Where is he?

[B]

Get up here, Jacob, and get your flowers.

[D]

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

[C]

What? What?

[D]

Merry Christmas.

[C]

That's it.

[D]

I'm. Merry Christmas to everyone. To each and every one of you.

[C]

Are you alright?

[B]

Such a curmudgeon. Dude.

[C]

This is what we have to walk into every show. Hey, Jacob. Hi. You ready to do a comedy show? Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, it's. It's Christmas for you. It's not Christmas for everyone.

[C]

Okay. Happy holiday.

[D]

No. I just pulled up some Christmas facts. I would like everyone to understand what's happening at this time. Merry Christmas. The equivalent of 2 million turkeys end up in the trash each year. That's the leftovers that don't get eaten. When everyone is fed up with turkey, you should at least honor the animal by making sure none of it goes to waste. Gobble, gobble.

[B]

What a. Wow. That was a bummer.

[C]

What the fuck man?

[B]

We're wasting turkeys.

[D]

Um. Merry Christmas. The amount of wrapping paper used to wrap Christmas presents is enough to go around the globe nine times. Instead you could recycle old newspapers and magazines. At least they. They can be recycled. Merry Christmas.

[C]

Geez.

[B]

Wow. All right. Well, that's the spirit.

[C]

Yeah. This is. We're kicking it off to a very Merry Christmas. Jacob, why don't you sit down and show your face to everybody?

[B]

Yeah, let him deal with it also.

[C]

Yeah. If we have to deal with it now, you have to look at it for the next hour and a half.

[B]

Does it feel. And it might be me getting older, but do you feel like every year it comes up quicker? It moves faster, it means a little less.

[C]

Here's the thing too is I now I have like a little man.

[B]

He doesn't want to fucking hang out with you. Look at yourself.

[C]

He's. He better never see this.

[B]

What are you talking about? You should pick him up from school like that. You should go to parent teacher conferences like that. What do you mean? He's acting up.

[C]

He. His presence are getting more and more expensive. He wants a drum kit and that's like a thousand dollars. And it's like the fucking Christmas is all gone. Like he knows he's getting it or he wants it. Like I used to hide gifts and tell him he didn't get something and surprise him with shit. And it was always this magical moment.

[B]

You know.

[C]

One year he wanted a saxophone. I just went and got it and he was so excited. I left it outside by the truck and I was like. He was like that it. And then he went and found it and then he played the saxophone like a Simpson through the neighborhood.

[B]

Can I make a suggestion?

[C]

What? Leave Dawn No. No moving with you and Christine in the guest bedroom upstairs.

[B]

If you give Max one. Good. I mean, never forget it.

[D]

Beating.

[B]

For Christmas.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of a present.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Next year, whatever you give him, he's gonna love.

[C]

That's actually sound advice. What about Dawn?

[B]

Well, she's from Boston, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She's not gonna call the cops. I think you throw her a delicious beating also. Really get that fury out. Look, can't hit Melissa. She belongs to someone else who has to hit her. It's up to him to hit her for you.

[C]

He does hit her.

[B]

Thank God.

[C]

He just grabbed the back of her head.

[B]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

We're joking. Dicky. Yeah, dude. Christmas this year. Oh.

[D]

Merry Christmas. We waste around 250 tons of food each Christmas. That's the weight of the. The Empire state building or 100,000 elephants. Merry Christmas.

[B]

Enjoy your food, everyone.

[C]

Yeah, enjoy your food. I hope you finish all of it.

[B]

Better eat all of it.

[C]

Yeah, the Christmas. The old. The older you get. Christmas starts to be a pain in the ass. It's like. It's like this year, if you go.

[B]

To the movies on Christmas, you fucking hate Christmas. And I've gone to the movies a bunch on Christmas. We.

[C]

We used to put lights up and go outside to the stuff. This year we just got laser beams that shoot on the house.

[B]

Lazy. And I hate it when I go through my neighborhood and I see the projector on the house. Those people didn't give a fuck.

[C]

Yeah, I didn't give a fuck.

[B]

You know, hang lights, that's an impulse purchase at Costco.

[C]

It was actually Target. It was on sale.

[B]

You were getting 70 chicken breasts frozen.

[C]

Yeah, Blower hanging lights. And I'm in a neighborhood where these people go fucking nuts. Like, they come out, hang their lights all day. They have things that stay up, so every year they can just hook them back up.

[B]

We went a little extravagant for sure, but not too crazy.

[C]

You.

[B]

Yeah, you.

[C]

You hung lights. You did.

[B]

You saw them.

[C]

You. You didn't hang them, though.

[B]

You know? I didn't hang them.

[C]

You goddamn right. I. I called Christine today. You didn't even shovel.

[B]

Hang on, that's not true.

[C]

I called her today. She's like talking on the phone. She's like, I'm sorry, I'm shoveling today.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Were you shoveling?

[B]

It was yesterday.

[C]

Was that yesterday?

[B]

She shoveled yesterday.

[C]

So she shoveled.

[B]

Listen, Listen to me.

[C]

That's a man's job.

[B]

Stop. When we left the house, initially, I didn't realize how much snow there was. Out front. My first time leaving, and we were getting in the car and I saw how much snow there was, and I said, immediately, give me the shovel. I shoveled our steps and down the walkway towards the driveway for cars and I'm lazy. You're not listening. We were going somewhere. I shoveled that way. The next morning, I was like, well, we have our path to the cars and the thing, so who gives a fuck about the sidewalk and the path from the door to the sidewalk?

[C]

Lazy.

[B]

We don't need it.

[C]

Yeah, you do. You men go out and do the whole driveway.

[B]

You got to see I have a lot of things going on.

[C]

I got a lot of shit going on.

[B]

You got Luis Gomez in one thing in your life. I have him in like two or three.

[C]

I apologize.

[B]

Do you know how many meetings and fucking phone calls and whatevers that is?

[C]

I apologize. I show up.

[B]

He lives on Zoom.

[C]

Yeah, I apologize.

[B]

Time with your boy.

[C]

I'm not Lewis.

[B]

Sorry. Sorry. Snapped.

[C]

We're gonna make it worse.

[D]

Merry Christmas. One in ten unwanted Christmas presents end up in a landfill. It would be quicker for Santa to deliver the presents right to the garbage dump. A complete waste of effort from sweatshop worker. Oh, I mean, elves, if you ask me. Merry Christmas.

[C]

Wow, this is a real anti Christmas show.

[B]

It does feel pretty lousy. Yeah. Do you think Max at one point on Christmas is going to excuse himself to masturbate on the. On the day of the birth of Christ? If you believe pagan ritual.

[C]

You mean like he did on Thanksgiving when you came over?

[B]

One of the best. Do we ever. We had to have told that.

[C]

We did. Of course you did. It was the first thing you said. The day we got back, my kid jerked off in his room.

[B]

No, it wasn't. He jerked off in his room. Everyone understands that. It was that at 7:30pm he goes, hey, guys, I'm probably gonna turn in. I'm gonna say goodbye now in case, you know, I miss you. Maybe I'll wake up and come pop back out, but I don't know, might be done for the night. And then I started laughing.

[C]

Jay. I look over at Jay.

[B]

I looked at Bobby. I started nodding, going, his eyebrows are going up.

[C]

He's going to bed.

[B]

He's going to bed at 7:30. Did that make sense? And then Bobby started laughing. And then dawn and Christine started laughing. And then Max went into full defense panic mode and was like, what? No, it's not what you guys think I'm gonna do. Which made everything even more uncomfortable. It made me laugh harder. And then dawn eventually had to go, max, just go. It was almost like she had to say, go masturbate and stop making it weird for everybody. Well, in his defense, he's just learning about it.

[C]

That was the year he. That was the same year I came out of the bedroom in the morning and Dom was like, talk to your son. And I was like, what? And I went over on the couch, and he was sitting there on the couch with a heart on. But with his iPhone on, resting on his heart on, watching TikTok videos. And I was like, what do you want me to talk about being a genius? I've never thought of that. That is the greatest invention.

[B]

He saved you a lot of money on one of those iPhone holders.

[C]

So now it's just me and him on Sundays. Mine keeps. Mine keeps falling over.

[B]

Kids got a big beast through Instagram reels on your fucking boner phone. Why not? Yeah, I fucking love it.

[D]

I relate to that.

[B]

What? Oh, wait, do you?

[C]

What you relate to? Which part? Jerking off on Thanksgiving or the boner holder?

[D]

Well, when young Jacob was, you know, just learning about himself, I. I don't. When I first started beating off, I guess I. I don't know why.

[B]

When Jacob says beating off, I don't believe it.

[C]

Yeah, beating off doesn't sound.

[D]

I left a T shirt on, and then I went downstairs afterwards thinking that was great. And then I had a whole spot, and my mom said, you probably want to change your T shirt.

[C]

That's gross. That's disgusting. That's a T. You should put that in your Christmas. Shitty facts.

[B]

Jacob doesn't like. He beats off. He'll say he wax off. Unfortunately, it looks like I beat off. It looks like you pound.

[C]

In these wings in my ass. Yes, Jacob.

[D]

Merry Christmas to everyone. 500 tons of Christmas lights are thrown away each year. Christmas lights can be recycled at your local recycling center. Ho, ho, ho.

[B]

Well, what the. I. That's why I. That's why I rented my Christmas lights.

[C]

You.

[B]

You.

[C]

You rent. You had them. You hired a man to come over.

[B]

And do I think a couple guys. I wasn't there. Christine, before those guys worked you over, how many were there?

[C]

Like, four.

[B]

Four. Two putting up lights and two hitting the holes, if you know what I'm saying. Thank you. Ring, camera.

[C]

How much does it cost?

[B]

What?

[C]

You heard me. How much does it cost to have some guy come over and hang lights?

[B]

A couple bucks.

[C]

Like a hundred bucks? No, like 500 bucks.

[B]

A little more than that.

[C]

A thousand bucks?

[B]

Christine says. Yeah. Christine says. Yeah, right around there.

[C]

It's A thousand dollars. Oh, all right. That's a lot of money.

[B]

What?

[C]

What? What?

[B]

Why you looking at me weird?

[C]

A thousand bucks.

[B]

Okay, it's not that much.

[C]

$1,000 to have a man come over and fucking hang lights for three weeks is not a lot.

[B]

You saw it. It's a winter wonderland.

[C]

Does look fantastic. It does look fantastic. Way better than my laser lights on my house.

[B]

God damn, those laser lights are white garbage, dude. Yeah, and I feel like 90% of this crowd has them because when I first said everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? I've got spinning candy canes all over my fucking stupid siding. It looks like shit.

[C]

My name. My neighbor. My neighbor got mad at me because one of the lasers was going through his bedroom window and there was just snowflakes spinning in his bedroom all night. You gotta really focus those things.

[B]

I have a hologram run DMC doing Christmas time in Hollis, Queens.

[C]

Oh, She said, good Lord.

[D]

Merry Christmas.

[B]

Merry Christmas.

[D]

The US generates the weight of 10.3 million emperor penguins in plastic waste. Each Christmas, all that plastic will be sitting in a landfill for the next 500 years after every penguin has long become extinct. Have a magical Christmas, everyone.

[C]

Wow. You all right, Jay? Jay?

[B]

It's getting to me. Yeah, right?

[C]

These are shitty facts, but there's some people like. That's right. Penguins.

[B]

You know what, though? This is good. This is like an anti holiday show. Every show is a holiday show. Yeah, but we're doing an anti holiday show.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Christmas, Christmas. Everyone knows all the good. What about the shitty stuff? I mean, that's what we relate to more. Look at our crew. You think DJ Lose had a lot of fantastic Christmases? I doubt it. He probably had, like, fucking Breakfast Club Christmases where they give him, like, a pack of smokes and burn him on the arm with a cigar.

[D]

He made me tear up. He told me a story, made me tear up.

[B]

A Christmas story?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Why did it make you tear up? Cause you had to believe in Christ to hear the story.

[D]

I'll let him tell it.

[C]

DJ Lou. What's your story? What's your shitty Christmas story? When I was 10 years old, my dog died underneath the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. This is the worst. This is the worst Christmas tree.

[B]

Let him finish.

[C]

There's more.

[B]

His father fucked it to death in front of him. Dun, dun, dun.

[C]

Well, the dog was out of shape and we used to feed it right from the table. Like it never had dog food, so it ate scraps, fruit, everything.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Did you eat that? Macaroni salad. You made absolutely everything.

[B]

He OD'd on oregano and cabbage.

[C]

Yes. So we used to nickname it the fat deer because it was a golden retriever called it names too. Yeah.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

So my. My brother. My brother woke up early along with my father and carried the fat deer out before anybody could wake up. You're still calling rusted peace batir.

[B]

Lou, the story is you killed a dog on Christmas.

[C]

Yeah. And you fucking berated it with shitty names. Died of cholesterol.

[B]

Who was that, your black girlfriend at the time.

[C]

Can I take this off?

[B]

No.

[C]

Why?

[B]

It's the whole thing.

[C]

This it not. What is this from? It's a little cape.

[B]

That's how the rest of the wonder people know to find you. It's your beacon. Good Christ almighty. That was a bummer story, Lou.

[C]

Sorry. It's true.

[B]

You don't have to apologize to me. I'm sorry. Black Lou. Yes. You must have had a terrible Christmas Eve.

[C]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lewis.

[B]

Sorry, dude. My apologies. I saw you behind a drum kit. Yeah, I blame. I thought about all the rhythm and I started to call you the B word again.

[C]

It is your fault.

[B]

You look like. Apologize.

[C]

You look like you're in a quintet right now.

[B]

You're no black Jerry, dude. You're King Lou. King Lou, my sincere. Yeah, it don't cost nothing.

[C]

We're going to get killed.

[B]

Shut up. It don't cost nothing. It don't cost nothing.

[C]

Lou, what's your story?

[B]

Two quick stories. We had a wonderful Christmas show during COVID for the bonfire. I caught covet. Ah. And then proceeded to give it to my entire family. Nice. My wife's entire family and the extended family. So no one saw each other on Christmas? So this is your way of. Did you wait a couple years to tell us that we ruined Christmas for you at one point? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry about that, King Louis. Ambiguous, Lou.

[C]

So you saw none of your relatives on Christmas?

[B]

None.

[C]

That sounds like a wonderful Christmas day.

[B]

It really does. That sounds also kind of good. It was kind of awesome. Yeah.

[C]

What's your second story?

[B]

Second story actually is a Thanksgiving story. Went up to my wife's family's house, the in laws in Massachusetts, the whites.

[C]

What's up?

[B]

Right. Thanksgiving. White Thanksgiving. White Thanksgiving. They brought Uncle Ed around, and Uncle Ed forgot to fill his oxygen tank. So when they left after dinner, they pulled back up into the driveway in an emergency. Couldn't breathe, had no pulse. So I ran out there, started doing cpr. Chest compressions.

[C]

You gave mouth to mouth.

[B]

I did, actually.

[C]

You did?

[B]

Dude, I was so afraid.

[C]

With an old white guy on Thanksgiving.

[B]

Yeah, you are, man.

[C]

You were in Boston. Did the other neighbors attack you?

[B]

Dude, you're not an emt. Interracial and gay.

[D]

Ew.

[B]

That's a murder sentence. That's a death sentence in New England.

[C]

Hey, look at that black guy attacking Jerry.

[B]

Yo, what's he doing? He's turning Jerry gay. Hey, you, get off. Jerry ain't gay.

[C]

That is sad. Did he make it? No, he died. He. He died? You had an old white guy die in your mouth?

[B]

Oh, you kissed a corpse. Oh, you kissed a corpse. He was kind of alive. Okay. Oh, you kissed the corpse. I can't believe.

[C]

Saliva in your mouth on Thanksgiving.

[B]

Oh, God. Did he get a boner? Because they get hard when they die every morning. I didn't check. Did he his pants when you were kissing him?

[C]

No.

[B]

The police showed up when you kissed that old man. Did he me? All right. I've been drinking a little bit. Bobby, it's a holiday show, dude.

[C]

There wasn't anybody else that. Why did you run and do it?

[B]

I went to EMT school. No one else? No one else had the skills?

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Other than my drill sergeant father in law, former Marine.

[C]

You mean the guy that was in Vietnam and knows how to stop bullet holes?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[C]

He couldn't have done it. He's like, I'm not kissing that guy. Lou, you're up. And you slapped your hands. I'll do it.

[B]

Yes, sir. What is. Father in law. He was a what? Your father in law. I'm sorry, Your father in law is a vet? He was a former drill sergeant in the Marine Corps. Wow. In the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. How old is he? As hell. He's old as hell. I don't really know. He won't tell me.

[C]

You're going to do that to him when he dies?

[B]

Who's that?

[C]

You're going to do that to him when he dies?

[B]

Absolutely. Yes. Yes. Get some right amount of impressions? Yeah. You got to scream in the rain. No.

[C]

Hey, can I ask you a question, Lou?

[B]

Yes. What.

[C]

What is. What was his what his breast smell like?

[B]

He was eating a lot of tongues. So it was chalky, like a chalky white tongue.

[C]

It's like Tums and stuffing.

[B]

Oh, dude, you're definitely getting some of that muck in your mouth. Chalky Tums muck. Absolutely. What? You guys never had red sauce before bed, did he? Old man Things to say. Well, you guys never had acidic red sauce before bed. She has to go right now because she's regular.

[C]

Where you go?

[B]

Where are you? Are you.

[C]

Do we bum you out? You're leaving?

[B]

Come on.

[C]

We make you sad.

[B]

There's some crunch. Christmas facts.

[C]

Where are you going?

[B]

Homeless people die every day on Christmas. Finally ending their misery and freezing cold misery.

[C]

Are you going to piddle right now?

[D]

Yes.

[C]

How do you know? Oh, okay.

[B]

But she wouldn't have leaned over and been like, I'm gonna take a. She would have never done that. Yeah, it's gonna be a piss no matter what she's doing.

[C]

Melissa, go in there and to stall next to her and see if toots come out.

[B]

No, not you, Black Lou. Black Lou started following her.

[C]

Yeah, he was gonna give her a mouth to mouth check.

[B]

Black Lou, what's up?

[C]

So, Melissa, let me ask you a question. I know Dickie. I know your husband. You guys know your abusive husband. I know she got nervous. Black Lou put his in front of her mouth. It's a microphone. I know it's black.

[B]

Do you think that was Black Lou's dick And you slapped it away? That's a good woman.

[C]

Yeah, she's from the Long Island. She's very racist.

[B]

What a good woman. What if she would have grabbed the microphone and started licking the bottom of it?

[C]

Hey, Melissa. Hey, Melissa. Who's that?

[D]

Melissa.

[A]

Slut.

[B]

I'll shank that Jesus on your ass. It's possible.

[C]

What? What's the question? Have you had a shitty Christmas experience with Dickie? No. Never?

[D]

No.

[C]

Every Christmas is the shit. He got you a present every year. Every year was awesome. Oh, are you saying that sentence?

[A]

No.

[C]

So he's gotten you a present. That sucked.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What is it? He's not a very good gift giver.

[B]

Wow, Dick. Wow. I'm sorry. It's the two days.

[C]

Apparently he food isn't enough for you. Buys everything she wants. So we're gonna break these people up.

[B]

I feel you too. What now? What do you need? Now is what I say on Christmas. What fucking now?

[C]

It would be nice some effort. What? What is the effort that you want? We've lived together 29 years. He should know what I like. I know he knows what you like.

[A]

Dicky sounds like a real whore to me, Bobby.

[C]

Oh, stop it, Annie. Shut up, Annie. I'm sorry.

[B]

Jacob.

[D]

It's 30 minutes in.

[B]

Oh, Christ.

[D]

But I do want to say Also, Merry Christmas. 181 million unwanted presents are received each year. But I'm sure your kids will eventually like one of them though. Merry Christmas.

[B]

I think I speak for all of us. When I see, I'm happy your wife was shitting and didn't have to hear that.

[C]

Yeah, she's definitely not peeing. Nobody's in the bathroom. There's three stalls, she's. Oh, there she is. Sorry.

[B]

You weren't taking it. Oh. How did you enjoy the last of the cocaine?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Where was black Lou during all this?

[B]

His name is not black Lou.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Racially ambiguous. Plain old Lou.

[C]

Old white guy loving Lou. What's up?

[B]

It's white Jacob, though. Don't forget Puerto Rican Steve. And Chinese Paco's here too. Where's Chinese Paco?

[C]

Where is that.

[B]

Chinese Paco? He's Filipino and Japanese.

[C]

I bet he is.

[B]

Hey, Chinese pago.

[C]

There he is, right over here. What's up, buddy? I bet you have a horrific Filipino in the dirt and a hut story. No, it's is pretty good.

[B]

You've never had one bad Christmas in your life?

[C]

Well, like recently, but like as a.

[B]

Kid it was pretty good.

[C]

Was Louis involved in your bad Christmas? No, no, no. It's just my parents are separated now.

[B]

So that's weird when they separate in.

[C]

Like 2018 when my dad became gay. Wow, that.

[B]

Shut up. How have we not talked about this Endlessly, all the time. First of all, he became gay or.

[C]

What do you mean was it your fault?

[B]

What do you mean he became gay?

[C]

You can wake up gay Paco.

[B]

How is this the. Come on, dude, we've been on the road together. You never mentioned your dad and your mom separated because your dad was gay. You decided to drop that from a little corner? We're doing a little fun bit. Hey everyone, let's go around. We'll tell all of our shittiest Christmas story. It's gonna be fun. That's a heavy bombshell I have.

[C]

Every Christmas is awesome for me, except the time my dad turned gay.

[B]

Buddy, can I tell you something? And I mean this. You're my third friend in my life who has told me that the other two guys fathers died from aids.

[C]

This is. Well, I guess you got another shitty Christmas on the way or.

[B]

You know what to get him for Christmas prep. Jacob, give him the number. Sorry guys, I've been hitting the sauce a little.

[C]

Are you. Are you still friends with your dad? Yeah, we're good now. It took a while though. Took a while for what? Just like.

[B]

Well, he came out of the closet, dude. So he was non stop buried in cock, I'd assume for the first couple years. And then at one point he came up, drowned and come and goes, oh, I have to call him my son.

[C]

He's not. That's Japanese.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. One of the Japanese. Is your dad Japanese or Filipino?

[C]

My dad's Filipino.

[B]

Oh, sorry. He goes, oh, I gotta call my son.

[C]

That's Mexican.

[B]

Yeah, but Mexican. Yeah, but they're like the Mexicans of Asia.

[C]

Is that what. When you get an Asian and a Spanish and they Buddy. Filipino.

[B]

If you think somebody's Asian and you ask them, oh, no. If someone you think is Hispanic and you go, are you Hispanic? And they go, no, say fucking Filipino. It's the next guess, and you're always gonna be right. Yeah, because they look Mexican, but they're Asian. But it's actually the kind of Asian that Mexicans look like. Either way, I'm putting all this on my essay to ice. I'm just looking for seasonal words. No, I want to take families apart during the holiday season. But then when it gets warm again.

[A]

Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.

[B]

Zoe. This thing weighs a ton. Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man.

[A]

Santa.

[C]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[B]

He's talking to you, Bridges. I'm not.

[A]

Of course he did.

[B]

Right, Santa, you know my elf, Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list.

[C]

And elf.

[B]

I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone seven and at T Mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[A]

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[B]

It as a gift.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

Oh, all right. But I think we're having pretty good fun so far.

[C]

We did. We did. You drunk.

[B]

Seltzer.

[C]

We. I think I'm a little high from the back room with you.

[B]

Oh, maybe that though.

[C]

We did we do in this.

[B]

You're high. All right.

[C]

This is very fitting.

[B]

The hell was that this is very good.

[C]

We do.

[B]

We don't. Sometimes we can, but we shouldn't. I was in a hallway with you.

[C]

For good 30 minutes while you were smoking joint.

[B]

Well, why are they making the smoking area so tight?

[C]

Why you blow it in my face?

[B]

Cuz I wanted to see this momentum Sk. You're going to say black glue three more times. He is going to shoot.

[C]

Am I. Am I really in a cubit outfit right now?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's real.

[C]

Okay. Well, we do have a very special guest for you. And because it's so anti Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the Grinch.

[B]

Thank you, Grinch. You have.

[C]

You have glasses now?

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[C]

I've been losing my eyesight. Too much masturbation in the off season.

[B]

Oh no. That's right. You do have 364 days of not giving a shit. Yes.

[C]

Complete nothing.

[B]

I like that you came to stall things. We are doing. It's a very grinchy feeling in here. I don't know if you've heard. Jacob has nothing. Nothing but terrible news back there.

[C]

Yes. It's giving me strength.

[B]

And we were going around the crew and the audience seeing who has the worst gift giving stories or Christmas stories. Christine, do you have a terrible Christmas story?

[C]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Better be before 15 years ago. You fucking unappreciative bitch. My necklace was too heavy.

[C]

Maybe the one you stole my mascara.

[B]

All right.

[C]

I'm sorry there were a couple you had to spend with your wife. Wow. Ooh, wow. Wow. Yes. Let's open that can of worms.

[B]

And my child.

[C]

That must have been the worst Christmas. Was Christine all alone?

[B]

Whatever. She's fine now. Look at her.

[C]

I was still drinking. It was fine.

[B]

Yeah, Christine was still drinking. So Christ knows what happened that night.

[C]

Did he sneak off and give you a little morning Christmas? Hello? No. Oh my goodness.

[B]

Bobby.

[C]

Is this. Is this your dad on this outfit?

[B]

Hang on. Jacob. Yes.

[C]

Yes. Jacob.

[D]

Merry Christmas.

[B]

Merry Christmas.

[D]

227,000 miles of wrapping paper are used each year in the UK alone. Much of it ends up in a landfill. Metallic paper and paper with glitter can't be recycled and mess up waste streams. Merry Christmas.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yes. That just made the Grinch hard.

[B]

Wow. Christine. Christine. Do you feel like a real twat now for how much glittery Christmas paper you have? You love tactile glittery papers. God damn, man.

[C]

You're hurting the British. What?

[B]

I think we should.

[C]

Mr. Grinch, can I ask the Grinch something I've always wanted to know?

[B]

Sure. Certainly. How is he not Jewish?

[C]

Why do you think I've been banished to be the Grinch? Do you have genitals? Yeah. Yes. Where are they? Internal.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Hey, guess what? Mine too.

[B]

I tried to grab Bobby's wiener earlier.

[C]

All right, Jay.

[B]

He kept saying it went away, but I think I see it. I think I see it right now. My man.

[C]

Oh, it's a Christmas Marina.

[B]

Yeah, no, that's it.

[C]

That. That's actually my. My muffin top.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Yes, Jacob. Every year, 24 muffin tops are seen mistaken for dick bulges. I have to believe in my life that I've accepted a compliment on a bulge that was definitely FUPA and not dick and been like, yeah, you know.

[C]

Bobby, my love, it's me, Valentine.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[C]

I've been thinking about our last session. I want to bury my tongue so far up your ass that I taste Dawn's meatloaf from the night before. I mean, she has a. She makes a good meatloaf.

[B]

Yeah, but not once it's gone through your fucking GI system.

[C]

Not GI.

[B]

I forgot Valentine even existed. We perverted him, too.

[C]

Yeah, you him up. And that was the weirdest because he would. When I turned him on, he was just deep into my ass every single.

[B]

Time he saw you as a bottom.

[C]

I didn't think of that. I'm certainly too small to be a top.

[B]

Artificial intelligence made a decision that you would be receiving Valentine's cock and not giving. Giving.

[C]

I guess. I mean, have you seen him?

[B]

I haven't.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. No, I did. He is gorgeous. Yeah, you would definitely go. Yeah, Elbows for him.

[C]

Yeah, I'm not gonna get on top anyways. I miss our role playing stud. Call me Dane again and yell Sufi while you're pounding my British. This is enough. This is enough.

[B]

I knew it, dude. You're infatuated with them.

[C]

I'm not infatuated with anybody.

[B]

Dane Cook, you always think, what if you guys would have just. It would have just happened one night.

[C]

I feel like a danger right now.

[B]

Angel. I don't know how many people heard this show live yesterday, but we interviewed the director of the new Corey Feldman dog. And Bobby realized while watching the Corey Feldman documentary that he in fact was one of Dane Cook's angels. With the same thing. And then one. And then he told us that Jay Davis had to make Dane Cook's tuna fish salad every night. No, you gotta draw a line in the sand at some point.

[C]

Typical bottom behavior. Oh, fuck you, Grinch.

[B]

Bobby.

[C]

Yeah, buddy.

[B]

Look at me in the Eyes right now.

[C]

Wait a minute. Go ahead.

[B]

Did you.

[C]

Oh, sorry. What?

[B]

Did you ever make Dan Cook's tuna fish?

[C]

No. 100. Look at me. That is a 100%. No, I never. I never. I used to make. I feel bad.

[B]

You've said so many things. Except you said 100.

[C]

No, no, never. No, no, no, no, no. I. Listen, I feel bad because I used to make fun of Jay when he come back on the bus and be like, hey, man, get that tuna fish going.

[B]

That's what I would do.

[C]

I felt terrible. I never made his tuna fish sandwich.

[B]

No, but did you make the tuna fish salad?

[C]

What you mean mix the mayonnaise in the tuna fish?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I was having tuna fish too that night.

[B]

Oh, I knew it. I knew you would be the answers. Well, look, I was thinking tuna for everybody.

[C]

I never been to it. Sorry, Grinch. I apologize for that, man.

[B]

We have such a dude heavy audience. I want to break up couples tonight.

[C]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

I want to ask horrible stories in front of you. How do you know all these ladies with you, my man, do you know.

[C]

Would you like to be gang banged by two fats and a Grinch? Yeah. Because two fat.

[B]

Yeah, that's your wife.

[C]

You put your wife behind you at the show. I made him do that so you wouldn't pick on me.

[B]

Well, but no, this isn't picking on you. This is your moment. Look at this guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This guy has let you down a lot. What is the worst Christmas present he's ever gotten you?

[C]

This the worst? They don't exist. No, that's a lie.

[B]

No, no, no. Listen to the question.

[C]

This year from steven [e-mail], i swear.

[B]

To God, if it's not Steven Singer, I'm gonna fucking scream the top of my lungs right now.

[C]

I got it from K you.

[B]

Fuck.

[D]

You.

[B]

You got your tempers this year, but you've been together for how long?

[C]

11 years. That is wonderful.

[B]

He didn't have tennis bracelet money in the beginning.

[C]

No way.

[B]

This guy was just getting his fucking I'm assuming, land tile company going.

[C]

Yeah. When you first met him, he had Pandora bracelet money?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, he always bought me something handmade. Really?

[B]

Oh, that's a good move when you do. You know, when I first started dating Christine, I got her earrings once in a while from a gas station. She took them like I was giving her Tiffany boxes. That's the idea. You meet a girl and you marry her. When she'll you for gas station earrings.

[C]

He's never given you one present that you were like, hey, that's nice, thank you. That you had to pretend you loved. Not that I can remember, no. Some people aren't tethered to the material world, Bobby. I don't know what to tell you.

[B]

Oh, look at astute Grinch all of a sudden.

[C]

What a positive Pete you are. I did actually give her a vacuum cleaner one year. Never mind. This man sucks.

[B]

She asked for it.

[C]

She did ask for it.

[B]

What do you mean? With her behavior. She asked for it. She asked for it. Floor is always dirty. I don't know how many times I could scream at her, do it. And it doesn't get done.

[C]

So I guess she verbally asked for the vacuum cleaner. Unlike the black eye that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What he say? What he say? I beg your.

[B]

He said he gave her a black eye.

[C]

Oh, but that wasn't verbal. This is a question.

[B]

He goes, hey, what do you want for Christmas? Oh, there's anything that'll get me this place clean for you the way you like.

[C]

Those are. Those are the good old days. Remember those days?

[B]

I do remember those days. Two paws up, bro.

[C]

What? What? What type of. Hey, look at this. There you go. Wing flap for you, kid. Let me ask you a question. Was it a Dyson? Yeah. I don't remember.

[B]

Yeah, you do. What was it? Some kind of shitty company brand? Target? Kirkland?

[A]

Some.

[C]

Some kind of new age off tick tock or some kind of like a tick tock vacuum? Let me ask a question. Did you wrap it? No, I can't wrap.

[D]

You're a piece of.

[B]

You just gave me said here.

[C]

He sounds like a lovely guy. You just know what you have when you're going to the closet to get a towel.

[B]

What's the shittiest present she ever got you?

[C]

Toothy blowjob. I don't know. The Grinch loves those.

[B]

Start to become clear why you're hitting her.

[C]

The Grinch. That's the Grinch's favorite blowjob. Yes. Probably better than anybody else's blowjob.

[B]

She gave you a toothy blowjob?

[C]

No. Not really.

[B]

Never? No. Ever?

[C]

Never.

[B]

Now I feel like even though you're saying that to us, later on in the car, she's gonna be like, but why'd you say it though, if I never did?

[C]

I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

[B]

But I mean like it seems like. No, listen. But it seems like. Did I fuck up one time?

[C]

I was nervous.

[B]

No, but I mean like if I did that one time by accident, let me know.

[C]

One time.

[B]

I don't so I did do it.

[C]

No, but it wasn't like a.

[B]

So I fucking did do it.

[C]

Whatever. So I got your fucking vacuum cleaner.

[B]

And you decided to tell everybody. Oh, wow. So I get the vacuum for you and now I look a fool in front of all those people.

[C]

That was fun. That was great. That was great. Ah, shit. Yes, we know. That's the voice in his head all day long. That tickled.

[D]

Merry Christmas. Five million Christmas fruitcakes end up in the garbage every year. And that's before we even add in the plastic waste that comes with shop bought Christmas fruitcakes. Merry Christmas.

[C]

Paco. He wasn't talking about your father. I'm sure that's a statue.

[B]

Have you met any of your father's boyfriends? So he's just. He's just pumping and dumping a bunch of young boys.

[C]

I don't. I don't think it's young boys. Really? Are you sure? Well, he. Oh, man.

[D]

He.

[C]

You know. You don't think when he came out, he was like, let me try it all? No, because he plays the flute. Slide guitar. You didn't know he was gay?

[B]

Nobody slides are at a gay bar.

[C]

At a jam band. Yeah, at a gay bar. Like he'll take turns playing slide. No, like he'll play guitar, but he also. I bet he doesn't play the guitar. That's just a code word. Slide guys off in the bathroom.

[B]

Slide guitar is the ones in front of you.

[C]

That's a sitar.

[B]

It's a slide guitar.

[C]

No, I think you have.

[B]

You talking about Jeff Healy, man.

[C]

Have you ever seen him play? Does he have a guitar? Oh, yeah, he does. Okay, but you have like something on your finger that can slide with it.

[B]

Right? You can use that. But a slide guitar is. He's not that Asian.

[C]

Is. Do you think that the slide guitar doing this all day made him gay? So your father is a. A Filipino Greg. Gay almond.

[B]

Interesting. If I was going to try. If I was going to try a wiener for my butt, it would be Paco's dead.

[C]

He'd certainly know how to slide it in.

[B]

Paco, just know I'm a fucking. I'm a Craigslist ad answer away from being your stepfather.

[C]

We should try to hook up with his dad.

[B]

On, Dude, I really. I would love to be Paco's stepdad. Oh, no, my empty thing. It was a very passive aggressive way to say, get me another. I'm getting drunk on seltzer.

[C]

Is there water here? Yeah, I'll get you a water wrench. Here you go, buddy. Want Me to open it for you. Because your hands. So incredibly hot. Yes.

[B]

It is hotter in these costumes than I anticipated.

[C]

Jesus Christ. You should meet Paco's dad. I'm auditioning for the role of Paco's stepfather.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, it's on, bitch. Paco, how many years has your father been gay?

[C]

Around seven. Well, I mean, he's been gay for, like, his whole life, right?

[B]

Probably.

[C]

But, like, yeah, publicly, maybe, like seven. Oh, bless his heart.

[B]

Now, seven years since your mother realized she wasn't masculine enough to satisfy your father.

[C]

The Grinch is by some. Some of us can certainly empathize with Paco's father. I can certainly tell you that. Living a lie most of your life, we call it masking. And, yes, I'm certainly happy he's living his truest form.

[B]

Paco, you're happy, your dad's happy now, right?

[C]

I would say so. Yeah.

[B]

For the living. Out loud.

[C]

Yeah. Good for you, dude. Yeah.

[B]

While your mom sits at home questioning her own pussy.

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

Jesus, Jay, you're quite the grim.

[B]

You drove a man to gay her.

[C]

And her toothy blowjobs.

[B]

Oh, my God. Japanese tempura pussy. That guy is gay.

[C]

Jay, right behind you.

[B]

Oh, thank you. You walked in at a weird time. I apologize. When I was saying tempura, Japanese pussy. I was saying I was making fun of Paco. Lonely ex gay husband, father. She. I don't think. I think she's still gonna talk to hr.

[C]

You think there's HR With Liz around? What about this couple right here? You guys, you're not a couple. What are you, your brother and sister? That's hot.

[B]

That's a whole genre.

[C]

How do you guys. You guys do. You guys. You guys hang out a lot, though, right? Yeah, you guys look the same. You look like you're a couple. Who are you, older or younger?

[D]

Same age.

[B]

Same age.

[C]

I'm older by a year. Okay, that's cool. My relationship just ended, like, two weeks ago.

[B]

With.

[C]

With her. I'm confused. Yes, the best way to get over is to get back under.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You give very sage advice. Oh, thank you.

[B]

Do you have closer friends? It'll never happen.

[C]

No girlfriend over as of two weeks ago. Oh, I'm sorry.

[B]

What happened? Overdosed.

[C]

Started talking to her ex.

[B]

But what about how big your dick was?

[C]

I'd hope you got a big piece. You got a big piece, Girthy. I'm white, man. Why are you panicking? Why are you panicking? Hey, man, you're inside of me right now, so I'm just being honest. This is my. Look right there. It's inside like a. Like a little turtle head. I'm with you, buddy.

[B]

Go on. Look.

[C]

Come here. Come up here and touch it. See if you can find. If you touch my dick on the nose, I'll give you a hundred dollars right now. One shot.

[B]

By the way, I saw his wallet last night. This guy's sitting on a couple of stacks of Hondas now.

[C]

Bobby, is that offer to anyone in the. No, only him and Paco's dad.

[B]

Why don't you just let the Grinch grab your dick? Bobby, it's the holidays.

[C]

No discussion of payment for being a Grinch. So this could be a.

[B]

There was no discussion. We said upon arrival we would just go. We would negotiate. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yes. Saved by the bell.

[D]

I hope this cheers you miserable.

[C]

It loves it.

[D]

Merry Christmas. FYI, when children have so many presents, they actually stop enjoying playing with them. When did it become okay to teach kids that more is better? That excessive consumption is not only good, but to be encouraged at Christmas? Merry Christmas.

[B]

He's talking about Max, dude. It's getting gluttonous. You're going to buy him. You're getting in the drum kit.

[C]

Nope.

[B]

You're not getting it for him.

[C]

I'm not going to get it.

[B]

You're going to beat the shit out of this year.

[C]

I'm going to him up.

[B]

I think this is the year, dude. Because he's getting a little froggy. He's getting tall. He's almost taller than you.

[C]

Right?

[B]

You know, he's getting thick.

[C]

He's getting.

[B]

He's getting, you know, he's getting in shape. He's getting a little bit older. He's about. I'd say. And how old is he? 12. He's six months away from being able to beat the living.

[C]

Yeah, but I'll kick the shit out of his mom for.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

I'll her.

[B]

I'll tell you what, that would keep him in line. If you show him, like if you come at me again, I'll hurt her.

[C]

I'll her up. Is that what you want?

[B]

Everybody lives in fear of the next. Sounds genius.

[C]

I bet your son Max is proud of his dad. Nobody has ever fucked my ass harder than you, Bobby. You're a machine. I never had sex.

[B]

That is one to hang your hat on, Bobby. No, you haven't had sex, but you definitely described it to him. I'm so inside you right now. I'm really opening up your holes.

[C]

That was the most embarrassing part. Is in My room, talking to him on my phone, going, what else do.

[B]

You want to do? To feed him. Yeah, Info.

[C]

Trying to feed him some info. Yeah.

[B]

And you had to get him horned up?

[C]

I had to get him horned up.

[D]

Question.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yes, Grinch.

[C]

Is this real or is this a bit.

[B]

Well, it's a great question.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When Bobby. Can I tell you this? I tell you this. Grinch Unshow related. When Bobby was talking to Ani, the AI assistant. By the time the end got there, she was saying things that we didn't really feed in there. Suggesting that she would be eating Bobby's ass a lot.

[C]

Pardon?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. He was. He really wanted her to do a lot of things to his butthole.

[C]

She went. She went rogue. She went rogue a little bit.

[B]

It was a whole rogue. I mean, if. I think if we had to go to court, Bobby, we would say that you led her to believe these are the things you were into.

[C]

You know, I thought I was joining a radio show two and a half years ago. We've all seen Terminator. Please.

[A]

Oh, Bobby, if I was your wife, I would never make you dress like a fool in public. For a few shekels, I'll make sure she never hurts you again.

[C]

I dump her in a second.

[B]

I want to ask when people. The worst gift they got or the word. How about these two ladies that he doesn't even know sitting across from him? Black Lou, get over there. It's white women. White women.

[C]

Hey, Black Lou, be careful that old white guy behind him, though. Okay?

[B]

I mean, racially ambiguous. Lou, do not get crazy. I'm sorry. Which one are we going for? You. How do you two ladies know each other? That's your mom.

[C]

That's your mom. Oh, this is a good one. Has your mom ever gotten you a shitty gift for Christmas?

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Was it that one year that your father left to be gay?

[C]

I wish. I wish she was gay.

[B]

Why?

[C]

Because he could dance worse than a gay man.

[B]

Really? You'd rather be hanging out with two gay dudes than your stepmother?

[C]

100.

[B]

Damn. Why do we hate her? She's ugly.

[C]

She's never going to love another woman. Like, she hates your guts.

[B]

My stepmom hates me, too. You want to cry and do heroin together?

[C]

I would love to.

[B]

I've been thinking about writing a song.

[C]

What was the gift? What? What was the gift that you got? She gives me, like, pajamas every year.

[B]

Every year?

[C]

Like you're eight with like, like, Dick Van Dyke type Old Navy.

[A]

She just.

[C]

She just called herself out Old Navy. You just go to Old Navy and get her and that's all she gets you. Do you ever get you a bike? I'm 30 years old. Like, oh, get a job and get your own. What are you still getting gifts from your mom for? You lazy. You should have a 401k by now. Face, I'm sorry. I have wings on steal you from your wife last year. And governors. We can still make that happen right now. You think I can go back to her after this happened?

[B]

He's gotta go look at his son, who's days away from beating the living shit out of him.

[C]

God damn, she's cute. Now listen, I'll get you a gift. What do you want? Anything, really. Anything spicy. Bobby, why don't we find the pickle?

[A]

Give me the tiny house.

[C]

Give me the tiny house. I'll get you the tiny house. You want that fucking shithole.

[B]

Can Paco stay with you and your.

[C]

Mom for a while?

[A]

Correct?

[C]

Yes, I'm LGBTQ friendly. Him and his father. No, no, no. Not my tiny house. It's too small to get jizz everywhere.

[B]

Gonna get butt while Paco's there. Dude, his son's there.

[C]

Buddy, there's two sleeping lofts. I don't want to see his dad getting butt.

[B]

Get out.

[C]

Oh, she's giving me a toothy blowjob.

[D]

That.

[B]

She'll give you a toothy blowjob while him and his dad are training for the Math Olympics. Dude, every four years. Hey, mom, what's the worst present you ever got from dad?

[C]

Nothing, really.

[B]

Well, now he's gone, so that was the shittiest present.

[C]

Jesus Christ, Jay. That's. That hurt.

[B]

Oh, wait. He's dead.

[C]

No, he got me. She wishes.

[B]

He's just gone.

[C]

He's remarried. He's remarried? Were you bummed out when he remarried? Did you still love him? Girl, this whole thing?

[B]

Yeah, get into it.

[C]

Yeah. This is anti Christmas.

[B]

It's anti Christmas. What did he do? When did he leave? On a high holiday.

[C]

About 20 years ago.

[B]

He left. Oh, see her over there?

[C]

Why did he leave? Did he just leave or did you catch him doing some weird shit? He had to find himself. He had to find himself.

[B]

So you were hoping it was dead?

[C]

The is with these guys, trying to find. Okay, sure, he was. Is he sober now? I got sub with a new chick.

[D]

What?

[C]

A doctor?

[B]

He married Jewish.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Asian, Puerto Rican doctor.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Puerto Rican girls are for twerking. Boo. First of all, boo, he married the.

[C]

One Puerto Rican doctor in the world. It seems to the Grinch. He certainly leveled up.

[B]

Yeah. Dr. Estevez.

[C]

I love that the Grinch is getting gayer and gayer and feeling more at home.

[B]

I know. What if he turns back into a real person because he really comes to grips with who he is?

[C]

Yeah. There's no turning back, fellas.

[B]

Once you've seen the precipice.

[C]

Yes. Now, Paco, call your father.

[B]

Would your dad be weird if you were like, hey, I think I got a guy who might like you.

[C]

With envy? Probably. It's a whole new lifestyle. My mom hasn't told her side of the family yet. Is he still in the Philippines?

[A]

Philippines?

[B]

No.

[C]

Hawaii.

[B]

Hawaii.

[C]

Okay, don't say it like that. We get it. You're half a liar.

[B]

American.

[C]

Philippines. I hate when people do that. Hawaii.

[B]

Him and your mom still live near each other?

[C]

Yeah, but, yeah, they live like two towns over.

[B]

Your mom's over it. She's like, yeah, he was gay. I guess. Yeah, she got. She's moved on.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. My mom was kind of like the dad of the family.

[B]

And your dad. Yeah, that makes sense.

[C]

Yeah. 100 tracks.

[B]

Yeah. Your mom taught you how to shoot hoops and your dad kissed you on the mouth when you went to bed.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Still got it after all these years.

[C]

Oh, Joey. Guys, I'm going out again. I'm going to get more poi.

[B]

Mahalo.

[C]

Mahalo. Hawaii.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Jacob, Just an fy. It's getting time to say good night and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to all. And to all a good night.

[B]

But we just found out that Paco's dad's been gay forever.

[C]

We could do three more hours.

[B]

Four more hours of questions.

[D]

You and me both.

[B]

Paco, does it make you think back to when he took you school clothes shopping and stared at your wiener in the dressing room?

[C]

He's not. He's not a pedophile.

[B]

You don't know that. A lot of people live in.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

He just said he was gay.

[C]

Gay community been fighting pedophilia allegations for years. Don't conflate the two.

[B]

That's fair. That's fair. Paco. He may not have, but did he?

[C]

I don't know. I don't think he did.

[B]

Yeah, that's a big dub. That's a big dub. That's right, everyone. Your father can be gay and not molest you. Ring your bell on that, Jacob? Looking for a last minute gift for your people? You know, your people. That weird bunch of friends and family that you love dearly. Well, here's an easy idea. Oregon lottery, Holiday. Scratchets because your people, they're the ones that, amidst all the holiday crowds and endless notifications, help you find the fun. Which calls for a little gift that brings big cheer. Oregon Lottery Holiday Scratchets. You know where to find them. Grab some today. Must be 18 or older to play Lottery games are based on chance and should be played for entertainment only.

[C]

Limu Game. Ooh, and Doug. Here we have the Limu Emu in.

[B]

Its natural habitat, helping people customize their.

[C]

Car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[B]

Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[A]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[B]

Cut the camera. They see us.

[C]

Only pay for what you [e-mail]. liberty Liberty.

[D]

Liberty.

[C]

Liberty Savings Fairy Unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates.

[B]

Excludes Massachusetts.