Boston Bob Walks The Line

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Episode: Boston Bob Walks The Line
Date: January 7, 2026

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Overview

In this candid and riotous episode, Jay and Bobby dive into the eternal struggle of reconciling a wild past with domestic contentment, focusing on Bobby’s alter ego—“Boston Bob”—and the temptations of younger women versus the reality and rewards of family life. The comedians riff on sex, nostalgia, and temptation with characteristic brutal honesty, bantering about comedy specials, relationships, aging, and their complex feelings about monogamy and desire. Notable detours include technical disses, comic memories, and raw sexual anecdotes, all wrapped in their signature raunchy, Boston-meets-New-York roast style.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Nostalgia, Old Flames, and Temptation

• “Boston Bob” Re-Emerges: Bobby recounts a recent encounter with an ex-girlfriend from his wild days in Boston, now dating an older guy. This sparks musings on his youth, intense sexual exploits, and the dangers of letting his "Boston Bobby" persona out.
  • [18:48] “This girl I used to have sex with. I mean, crazy sex... I just, we got to the point where I was like bending her legs, making her knees touch her fucking ears.” — Bobby
• Struggles with Monogamy: Both comics openly discuss the ongoing pull of sexual conquest despite loving their current partners, with Jay insisting Bobby's still got “zaddy” appeal.
  • [22:26] “What you don't realize is you're not hot young Bob anymore. Now you're what the kids call a zaddy.” — Jay
  • Bobby: “What the fuck is a zaddy?” [22:38]

2. Comedy Special—Where and How?

• Choosing a Venue: Bobby weighs the pros and cons of filming his next comedy special at The Comedy Connection's classic club vs. their new 850-seat theater. The conversation devolves hilariously into film-nerd banter about drone shots, stage upgrades, and absurd sketches for the special.
  • [5:01] “You have to come up with the design of the stage, what you want it to look like... I wanted a roving shot.” — Bobby
• Creative Fantasies: Jay jokes about avant-garde, AI-enhanced comedy tapings—IMAX cranes, dog and dinosaur audiences, tables vomiting in unison.
  • [10:41] “And then it comes back to you... it just goes and it's like dinosaurs...skeletons, but like weathered.”

3. The Zaddy Debate and Midlife Sex Appeal

• Transformation from “Hot Bob” to “Zaddy”: Jay coins Bobby as a "zaddy" (attractive, charismatic older man), pushing him to recognize a new lane of appeal with younger women.
  • [22:55] “That same young girl... now it's more like, 'Hey, tell me I'm cool. Do they want your approval? Like a father. And then they want to suck your dick.'” — Jay
• Reluctance and Addiction: Bobby confesses his inability to flirt and not finish, likening temptation to an addiction he has to manage to protect his marriage.
  • [26:50] “If I ever walk the line with anything... I have 75 knives, I have 15 flashlights... I don’t walk the line, brother.” — Bobby

4. Hilarious, Intimate Sex Stories

• Twin Beds and Basement Apartments: Both recall awkward, cramped (but passionate) sexual escapades from their youth.
• Sexual Technique, Car Memories, Ass-Eating Innovation: The hosts digress into detailed techniques, first-date butt-licking before it was trendy, and why letting women reciprocate can be a mind-fuck.
  • [56:19] “It was manual. You had to shift it. That back went up and I would put them in the back, put the seats down and put their legs up in the corner and just go to town.” — Bobby
  • [57:13] “Going to some butt, back then, especially 80s 90s is gay...I think I've always done that too.” — Jay

5. Relationship Realities and Intrusive Thoughts

• The Allure of the “Good Life” vs. the Chaos of Affairs: Bobby debates publicly (and humorously) whether he could ever slip back into the old ways, concluding that while temptation remains strong, he’s grateful for sweatpants nights and “Game of Thrones” pillow walls with his wife.
  • [25:07] “I love my wife in sweatpants and a sweatshirt that’s mine, with her hair up and her roots growing back and, you know... I want to go back to Bobby.”
• Confessions: Both describe their intrusive thoughts about relationships, infidelity, and even morbid fantasies about their partners’ sudden demise, always with a dark comedic twist.

6. Patrice O’Neal and Comedy Philosophy

• Patrice’s Perspective: The episode ends on a tribute to the late Patrice O'Neal’s legendary jokes about loving women and wanting them to disappear “via bus” rather than break their hearts, underlining the complicated, conflicting emotions men often have in relationships.
  • [50:13] “My girls have been with me for six years. I’ve been with her three months.” — Patrice (quoted)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [22:38] “What the fuck is a zaddy?” — Bobby
• [23:24] “Boston Bob still lives in me... but when he comes out, bad things are gonna happen to my marriage.” — Bobby
• [24:29] “Once I make 'em a human being, then I become a God. And when I become a God, I’m dangerous.” — Bobby
• [30:35] “Every day I fight not going to a massage parlor and getting somebody to jerk me off.” — Bobby
• [34:40] “Go home and slap it around a little bit, dude.” — Jay
• [37:45] “You should find at all costs a way to fuck this girl behind your family.” — Jay, with tongue firmly in cheek as the tension and comedic exaggeration spiral.
• [46:12] “The sister with the brother and I thought they were together and she's a singer. She...hates the fact she got yummy guys started contacting her about wanting to date her. Like, hundreds.” — Bobby (lamenting the perils of social media)
• [50:04] “Was it for, like, seven years... my girl's been with me for six years, I've been with her three months.” — Patrice O’Neal (quoted)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:06] Show intro, riffing on The Cars’ “My Best Friend’s Girl”
• [04:09] Bobby brings up filming his new special in Rhode Island and debates Jay as director
• [07:10–09:41] Discussion of Comedy Connection club vs. theater; club design and audience intimacy
• [18:48] Bobby’s explicit memories with an old flame; wild Boston sex stories
• [22:30] The "zaddy" moniker introduced
• [24:29] The risk of Boston Bobby coming back to life and its impact on marriage
• [26:50] Compulsive behavior and inability to "walk the line"
• [32:39] Bobby and Jay muse on what attention from young fans means to them now
• [36:36] Family dinner vs. temptation; reflections on achieving domestic happiness
• [50:04] Tribute to Patrice O’Neal’s relationship jokes
• [55:00–57:59] Subgenre: intricacies of first-time sexual acts, car blowjobs, and ass-eating memoirs

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Tone and Style

The entire episode pulses with fast-paced, sexually explicit, brutally honest, and darkly comedic energy—equal parts confessional and roast. Bobby and Jay alternate between self-deprecating transparency, wild nostalgia, thoughtful self-examination, and utter filth. The candidness is laced with care; they bare insecurities and regrets as easily as dirty jokes, reflecting on middle age and the shifting nature of fame, temptation, and masculinity.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a masterclass in the Bonfire’s blend of raw honesty and raucous comedy. It will resonate most with listeners who appreciate unfiltered talk about sex, relationships, temptation, and the struggle to grow up (or not), as well as anyone curious about the backstage lives and pasts of veteran stand-up comics. No subject is off-limits, nothing is sugarcoated, and every tangent is a potential punchline.

Note: Skip if easily offended by sex talk or dark humor.

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(Ad sections, intro, and sponsor reads omitted for clarity and focus.)

Transcript

[A]

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Click granger.com or just stop by Granger.

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For the ones who get it done.

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And now the bonfire with Big J.

[A]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[B]

Girl but she used to be mine.

[A]

She'S so fine what a fine, cool, goofy lead singer.

[B]

I know never. I love a band who figured out a. A guy who figured out being cool without having to have a good voice. Yeah, it's so impressive.

[A]

Just a goofy.

[B]

Anyone can just do the cars yeah, anyone can cover a car song. Let me hear you Useless. Let's get back.

[A]

Boston band are they? Yeah I don't know if I know.

[B]

These were eyes Another new birthday that you meet there's really no surprise surprise.

[A]

Yeah she comes again when she's dancing.

[B]

Eat the stormy skies make you flip when she's dancing in the stories guys I kind of like the way I like the way it skips what a weird lyric. He's my best friend's girl Sk I guess Talking about her butt I like the way it skips I guess so he's calling her it so he used.

[A]

To date his best friend's girlfriend.

[B]

There's a story behind this.

[A]

Oh please tell me.

[B]

Oh no, I thought. I thought you the Boston band you had there was a story behind this.

[A]

No, I'm asking that. My best friend's girlfriend used to be his chick is the story I would.

[B]

Think it's his old girlfriend is now.

[A]

Fucking have you had that?

[B]

No, man. Thank God. Now no man. Yeah, that would.

[A]

No, I had that.

[B]

Where your ex was dating someone you.

[A]

Knew well no, I'VE had it a couple times.

[B]

I'd have a rough time with it. That was. Remember, that was like the movie. Was that movie with Matthew Modine. Where was all that? Everyone's like. Like, they're all like. It's like three couples that were all friends, but everyone was with somebody else before.

[A]

I didn't see that.

[B]

The kids were the other one. Bye Bye love. Is that what it's called on hbo? And that's what you would just do is watch what was on hbo.

[A]

Well, you know what it is? It's when it. One time, if I was, like, fine with it, I was like. I was like, great, man.

[B]

How old were you? Age has to do a lot with that.

[A]

It had. It was late teens and then twenties.

[B]

If Christine found true love in the arms of Justin Silver, who am I to get between that?

[A]

It's a bad one. It's Godfrey. It is bad. Yeah, that one hurt.

[B]

Christine and Justin maybe were meant to be two queens living on a beach.

[A]

Just two hor. Just two queens combing down horses in a field.

[B]

Yeah. Paul Reiser, Matthew Modine, and Randy Quaid. And everyone was like, with the other one's wife.

[A]

It's kind of hot.

[B]

It was like a kid. It was like a fun, like, family movie. But I used to watch it a lot.

[A]

No, I had a girl this weekend. I don't know if you've had this yet.

[B]

I've had a girl every weekend. Shows.

[A]

No, I had a girl this weekend. Show up. Who I used to. We used to date. Like, we used to. I mean, I were.

[B]

You.

[A]

We used to. I was at the Comedy Connection. Rhode Island. Best club in the world. Yeah.

[B]

Dude brings all the old out.

[A]

And I think I'm filming my. I'm gonna film my special there. 100. Filming my special in Rhode Island.

[B]

That's a real 100%. There was no Hollaby.

[A]

No. 100%.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

So I used to. This Italian girl.

[B]

Stop being uncomfortable asking. Yes, I'll direct it.

[A]

Do you want to direct it?

[B]

No, I don't know how to direct.

[A]

It's easy. You just got to. You have to come up with the camera shots that you want.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the look. You just got to come up with the look.

[B]

So stakes are so high. What if I whiff hard?

[A]

What are you going to whiff hard for?

[B]

Dude, I go, Bobby, I give my. I did my first pass. It's all drone shot.

[A]

You have to come up with the design. Design of the stage, what you want it to look like. Right. And then you have to Come up with five shots like a movie. So you have to like. I knew I wanted two rolling shots for transitions, right. That wasn't used. They were just used as shots. Whatever. But you need. You need a main shot, and I wanted a roving shot. I wanted someone walking around, getting different angles. That's all you got to know. You got to look at the club. You got to go there, look at the club. Look at where you can put the cameras. Look at what the backdrop looks like.

[B]

Can I wear one of those John Popper vests? You'd hold a lot of stuff, like, so I can look at things through lenses sometimes.

[A]

Yeah. I'll get you a lens and I'll get you a beret. You can get a little beret.

[B]

I would really enjoy a beret if I could just go full on, like 1920s director with baggy, just top pants.

[A]

With the leather boots that come up to the knees.

[B]

And maybe one of those horsewhips.

[A]

I don't think. They didn't have a horse whip. They had a cone. Cause you have to yell to me.

[B]

Oh, right. I'd have a cone so I could yell at you. Kelly.

[A]

It has to say director on it.

[B]

Kelly. Cut. What are you doing? Besides wasting my film?

[A]

That's not film anymore.

[B]

But yeah, no, we're doing it on film.

[A]

Oh, we're gonna do it on film.

[B]

75 millimeter. What's the one that. What did they do? Hey, flayton.

[A]

That was 70 millimeter.

[B]

I want to be. I wanted to cover the screen.

[A]

We're gonna have to open Kodak, the company back up. I don't know if you have that power, but maybe you do.

[B]

Panavision is going to get involved in this.

[A]

Are you? I don't know if there's enough room at the Comedy Connection. Panavision.

[B]

You don't think there's enough room for.

[A]

Panavision not to put a Panavision camera 7 millimeter.

[B]

Wouldn't this be awesome to be the first special that we say shot entirely for imax?

[A]

And there's only. There's only room for five people in the audience because of your crane shot that you're on.

[B]

Because. Yeah, swing me in, Bobby. Hold that joke. Swing me in. Okay, Bobby, from the. From the first line again. God damn it, Bobby. I'm getting speed back. Swing me. Hang on, Bobby.

[A]

I hate to stop you.

[B]

Again. Swing me over.

[A]

And then she went.

[B]

Get this face out of the front row. I don't want the front row seeing that fucking face.

[A]

That's my mom, Jay.

[B]

Apologies, Mama. Kelly. Apologies. Strike that. Leave her.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Leave her. Actually, get her a drink on me.

[A]

No, actually, please, get her out of the front row.

[B]

Mama Kelly gonna need you back.

[A]

She hasn't laughed since I've been up here swinging around.

[B]

You're making everybody uncomfortable.

[A]

Now. Here's my question to you. My question to you is. Okay, so anyways, we have so much talk.

[B]

I'm looking at this list.

[A]

We've moved on, but hang on. Let's stay with this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, please, I. I have. All right, what do I go to? Do I talk about the girl or do I talk about the special? Because I have a choice with the special. I can shoot it at the Comedy Connection, which I love. It's a insane room. My. One of my favorite rooms, if not favorite room in the country. Yeah, they show up every year. I mean, people have seen me seven times there, and they just come. They're great crowds. Or do I shoot it in the Comedy Connection's new theater that they just bought? They just bought a theater in the last year and a half, redid the whole thing, and it's a comedy. They're doing comedy there. It's 850 seats.

[B]

I like striking some tables in the front of the Comedy Connection.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Getting you a little thrust, little square thrust. So the people are all around you. I like that.

[A]

Well, the stage of the Comedy Connection, they are all around me.

[B]

They are on four sides of you. Three sides of you, for sure. It's a high stage.

[A]

It's. It's a little high. Yeah.

[B]

The stage also might be movable. You just put a lower stage.

[A]

Maybe we could move that scene. Now you're in director mode. You're actually designing this. The look.

[B]

Okay. I would play it.

[A]

Do you see how easy?

[B]

I love the club. The stage, a little high for filming.

[A]

It's a little high for filming.

[B]

You're above the p. It's theater height stage.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Feeling.

[A]

So make the stage smaller. Take the stage out. Make it smaller.

[B]

Smaller.

[A]

Get more people around me. Yes. Okay, now you're in director mode.

[B]

And smaller. And obviously shorter.

[A]

Shorter, but shorter. Shorter, yeah. Smaller.

[B]

Shorter. You'd like the heads to be about your knees. Thighs, maybe.

[A]

Yeah, well, maybe. Maybe tits. Heads. The top of the heads at the tip.

[B]

Look at it here.

[A]

It's not that bad. No, it's not that bad.

[B]

Maybe I'm picturing it higher than it is.

[A]

Yeah, maybe you are. I mean, it looks beautiful. They have a picture of it. That's the old look. Find the new look on their Instagram.

[B]

I'LL have to get there with my locations guy.

[A]

Yeah, you're gonna have to get up there with your lenses. You need your lens.

[B]

That's good as my lens.

[A]

Look at, look at the way it looks now, though. They redid the whole thing and this is now when you see it.

[B]

Dude, wait till I start casting the sluts for the opening sketch we're gonna do.

[A]

Wait a minute. What? I don't. I don't want it. I don't want Hoorah before the show. What do you mean?

[B]

No, it's just me and you fucking sluts.

[A]

Oh, we fuck the sluts.

[B]

Yeah, but no, it's for a sketch in the beginning. The sketch has nothing to do with that. I just want you to be loose. I need you to loose for a sketch. And I feel like that's the theater right there.

[A]

There's the club. That looks good, right?

[B]

That's the club.

[A]

That's the club. Yeah. It's all brick and it's all lit up. That's the improv. What are you doing? Scroll down, scroll down, scroll down.

[B]

Christ almighty.

[A]

Scroll down, scroll down. Over to the left. Go to my clip right there. That clip. That's what it looks like now. It looks good, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

We light that up a different color. Not purple. Take the sign. Look at that. Looks good, right? We can put some stuff in the back. Like, I'm thinking some maybe stacks. What are you thinking?

[B]

What do you think of Marshalls?

[A]

Yeah, well, something not Marshalls. I'm not playing. I don't play.

[B]

Come out. Maybe just do that though, right? Come out and just hit like one note like Marty McFly.

[A]

What if we just put it like a 12 foot sandwich behind me?

[B]

I think the special. Listen, I want to be material heavy, but I'd like it to be also 70.

[A]

AI AI.

[B]

It's non stop. Like the audience just like when we look one time we go to the audience and it's all dog people.

[A]

I like this.

[B]

And then it comes back to you. And then like. Yeah, then it's another time. It just goes and it's like dinosaurs. Yeah. Maybe it's just like skeletons. Like skeletons, but like weathered. Like they're like they're closed. Like they've been there for 100 years.

[A]

You could have people laughing so hard they're crying black tears. Everybody absolutely crying black tears.

[B]

Yeah, the whole, like we show one row of table people just all communally throw up at the same time on the table.

[A]

Right out of four times.

[B]

Out of laughter. Yeah. They all just go, yeah.

[A]

Right? And Then one guy jumps on it and eats it.

[B]

And then it's. I don't know about that. It's not for a con. That's. You know what? That's gross out humor.

[A]

I'm not the director. I'm sorry.

[B]

That's gross.

[A]

I'm talent, dude.

[B]

No. So what happens is they puke. They go down face first. In the puke, we have somebody come in. Like, this is the thing that happens at your shows. And they drag them out and then four new people come in.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like there's always people ready. They can't wait. Like they were waiting outside to get into this.

[A]

Right. How about. How about one. They just start making out. The whole crowd starts making out.

[B]

Absolutely. And then for. While you're talking at one point, just like hort, like four horses. Like that is. AI, yeah. Four horses just like stroll, like through, like stroll through the crowd. And then you don't acknowledge it. The audience doesn't let me do work.

[A]

I'll do fully work.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. And you're just doing your thing. Baba boo bopa bing. This guy over here. And there's nothing. There's not even acknowledgement of what's happening. Just horses go by. No one's thinking like this Just the most fucking avant garde thing I've ever seen in stand up comedy. I like that.

[A]

I thought my Foley work was good until DJ Lou brought in real Foley work.

[B]

This guy's got his hands on everything.

[A]

He was getting nervous that I was taking over his job. I don't do voices, but I do. Sounds really good.

[B]

If we make the opening song Journey, we know for sure that Bobby could just sing it every day for us coming in.

[A]

Oh, how about if I end the whole thing on that?

[B]

That'd be great.

[A]

I ended all. I ended on Don't Stop Believing.

[B]

Yes. And then like. And then the lights go out at the end and then it's like they decide how it ended.

[A]

Yeah, but there's a shadow and I. And I have my finger up like Eddie Murphy.

[B]

I don't mind that at all.

[A]

What am I wearing, though? Now I need to know what I'm wearing.

[B]

Oh, no, baby. Bobby. Maybe like a B for like, Boston and Bobby, that's like your sign.

[A]

But I'm in Providence.

[B]

You got the. Huh?

[A]

I'm in Providence. It's. It's Rhode Island. It's a different state.

[B]

Doesn't matter. It's B for Bobby, and you're from Boston, dude. It doesn't matter.

[A]

Bobby from Boston. What if I do a P on the Bottom look, it's starting to look.

[B]

Like white power symbols.

[A]

Okay, all right, you're right.

[B]

It's starting to look. That was getting dangerously close to white power symbols.

[A]

That would kill in Providence.

[B]

That would kill. Are you here? Were you near what's called. What's called Hill?

[A]

Capitol Hill?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you'll do well there.

[A]

I murder with the crowds that I saw this weekend. They carry me out and get me a fucking stromboli.

[B]

Yeah. Everyone there is an ex cop.

[A]

It's so funny because every, like the whole front row, there's like nine guys that look exactly like me.

[B]

Now, what happened with this girl? You did it?

[A]

No, I. Course not. I'm married.

[B]

No, but just like in the butt. That's not even cheating.

[A]

I am married and I love my wife.

[B]

Yeah, who you sign this on, dude?

[A]

Don, if she's listening.

[B]

Oh, she's listening all right. That's all. That's all, baby. He goes, I love my wife. You can go now, baby.

[A]

She hasn't heard one podcast or one radio show I've ever done.

[B]

Yeah, dude, you can. You can. On the air. She'll never find out.

[A]

She'll. I could on social media and she still wouldn't find out. She's never even looked at a clip.

[B]

Yeah, as long as you. As long as you put the word Sora on the picture. Sora. No, no, no, no. That's me fucking our neighbor two doors over on Sora.

[A]

Have you seen the guy that is. You know, they troll, they do all these things on the Internet. All these kids figure out a way to do stuff. They're getting Sora. They're going into Walmarts and Targets, taking pit. They took a picture of this guy in an aisle just hanging out. They did Sora. Some hot shit come up making out with him. Then he went up to the guy with his wife walking out, go, yo, bro, have you seen this girl? And it's him just making out with this smoking hot chick.

[B]

And.

[A]

And his wife is like. You see her face? Just go, what? He goes, I don't know who that girl is. He goes, dude, you know who this girl is? Have you seen her? And his wife's like, what the are you doing? What are you. You, You're. You're making out with her. It's hilarious, buddy. It's scary as cuz. How are you. How can you explain to a 58 year old woman that you're also the older people?

[B]

Yeah, she doesn't. That's hilarious.

[A]

She doesn't understand AI or technology.

[B]

Their Old husband's making out with this hot chick.

[A]

He's making out with this young hot chick. Yeah, he's. He's doing a lot.

[B]

Please find that.

[A]

He had one guy, the guy at the front, the old guy at the front. They go, dude, you're crazy. He's like, why? And he. Something like that. And then he just shows him ripping his shirt off and just shaking his own tits. He's like, where did you get that? He's like, he doesn't understand that AI is. Has happened that fast.

[B]

Yeah. Huh. I don't remember that. I forgot to tell you. Everyone, Jacob's coming to us live from Sputnik. Jacob, Ground control to Major Batat.

[A]

Jacob, are you there? Oh, good, great. How are you? You sound fantastic. What's up, dude? What are you doing?

[B]

You.

[A]

You played softball today? What's this look? What are you doing? Why are you dressed like a lesbian?

[B]

Yeah, what are you a. You a roadie for Lilith Fair?

[A]

Yeah. You look like you make your own wooden cutting boards at a fucking. At a flea market.

[B]

That's a real day off. Cleaning the garage hat. No, you leave it on now leave that on.

[A]

Put that on.

[B]

Put it back on.

[A]

Jacob's wearing one of those hats with the metal back.

[B]

Oh, God damn it. He does. It's a metal back.

[A]

He's wearing merch free merch hat from a bank.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the fucking. The hat straps like a Boy scout belt.

[A]

It's exactly like a boy scout belt.

[B]

It's a boy scout belt. It's got teeth.

[A]

So it's like. It's army green. He looked like Captain America before he came Captain America before he went into the Captain America machine.

[B]

You like a celebrity chick trying not to be noticed at a grocery store. Yeah.

[A]

You're as sad as somebody who wasn't let in the army.

[B]

Yeah. He goes. They go, hey, is that Ellen DeGeneres going into that grocery store? Is she trying. Is that Ellen DeGeneres trying not to get noticed?

[A]

Oh, you got a new mic though, right?

[B]

No, that's that one that was talking when it lights up.

[A]

That's a new one, right? Oh, there's. There's the. Oh, there's the light.

[B]

There's the one that lights up when he talks like kit.

[A]

There's the old influencer light. I bet he influences on the weekends when he goes to floor. I bet he has a whole other life on social media. We don't know.

[B]

He does.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If we were getting Jacob's phone. It's fucking murky in there for sure. There's all kinds of stuff.

[A]

He's got one, the lizard killer, where he just goes out with his pellet gun and takes out big iguanas.

[B]

Oh, yeah. There's, like, weird stuff he does, like makeup tutorials.

[A]

Yeah. Jacob's famous in Florida. I bet he can't even, like, go through the airport with. Without signing stuff or taking a little selfie.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

Is that what the outfit is? That's your famous Florida outfit. That's how people recognize you.

[B]

Are you cooking a bunch for Thanksgiving, Jacob, down there? No, no, no.

[A]

I'm not doing any cooking.

[B]

No cooking? But you love to cook.

[A]

My plans got changed. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah? Who's cooking? It's kind of canceled.

[A]

What are you gonna do?

[B]

Are you gonna go out? You gonna go out somewhere?

[A]

You gonna go Chinese? You gonna do Chinese? You got some Chinese takeout? Do an old Jewish Christmas.

[B]

Thanksgiving's canceled.

[A]

You're not gonna have turkey?

[B]

No. Jacob's family thinks the pilgrims are pieces of shit.

[A]

They were.

[B]

They were.

[A]

They were.

[B]

You're right not to celebrate it, Jacob.

[A]

You're right. I'm not celebrating either. I'm canceling Thanksgiving.

[B]

It's over. I won't be going to Thanksgiving.

[A]

I'm gonna have meatballs.

[B]

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna buy a gobbler and throw it at passing cars every day.

[A]

At the time, I went and got turkeys at the supermarket, and they gave you. If you. If you spent so much money, they gave you a free turkey. So I got a free turkey.

[B]

Nino Brown, you trying to bring to the ghetto?

[A]

Well, there was a woman. There was a woman's battered shelter behind my house. So me and Norton walked over. He goes, when they come out, I'm just gonna throw it at her and go, here, feed those bitches.

[B]

You go, hey, you probably haven't heard this in a while, but cook this or else. Hey, bitch, cook this T. Have this.

[A]

Done in four hours or else.

[B]

Yeah, turkey's not gonna cook itself. You fat.

[A]

You want more bruises on your elbow? Get this done and make it moist.

[B]

Get it done.

[A]

So anyways, this girl I used to have sex with. I mean, crazy sex.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would go over a house. She lived in a basement apartment. I dated a lot of girls that lived in basement apartments.

[B]

For some reason, they were pieces of.

[A]

And I used to go over there, dude, and. And just. She was Italian. I go over.

[B]

Where was this? This was in Revere back in Boston.

[A]

In Boston, back when I was hot, Bobby and I would go over house and we would. I mean, Dude, I just. We got to the point where I was like bending her legs, making her knees touch her fucking ears.

[B]

Oh, there she is.

[A]

We were just fucking.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just doing as much as I could just to make her know who boss man was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then right when I was done, Boss Man Bobby. That's what I want to be called for now. Oh my go. If I did that, the dawn. She'd burp and fart in my face and I remember. And then she would cook. She'd have meals like, she would cook for me, like I done. I made you lasagna. And we go out and buy our little tiny, little lonely table. We'd have Italian home cooked meals.

[B]

You'd her in a basement apartment.

[A]

Oh, man, it was so hot. She lived down the street from me.

[B]

Knees pin her ears.

[A]

Oh, we did so much great stuff.

[B]

So many.

[A]

I remember she had a twin bed too, which was weird.

[B]

Wow, that's small.

[A]

She had a little lonely I live alone bed.

[B]

I've gone back to girls apartments in my young days that were definitely kicking it. Now. Some girl worked at the Boston Comedy club. She was cute. She was like a Polish chick or something. If you saw her, you'd remember her. She worked there for a couple years. But short hair. No, but she like bangs and like fucking. She was just. If you saw her, you'd be like, oh yeah, but I thought we were gonna hook up. One time I went back to her stupid fucking Brooklyn apartment. Watched Requiem for a Dream on a computer next door on a fucking twin size bed. It's like I left. It was like turning light out. I had to go back to Philly still. I think I went back to South Jersey. This sucks, dude.

[A]

You gotta be a pro to fucking a twin bed. You gotta know what you're doing. There's not a lot of room. There's not a lot of room to maneuver.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And get things going. You got to hang her off the bed. You gotta get her legs up. You gotta. And twin beds don't have a lot. You know, a big king has. You have, you have a lot of movement. It's like, you know when you, you, when you're on that little bed, it shakes too much. It will up your rhythm.

[B]

Yeah, you know me, I like to like windmill into different positions and stuff.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

From my back to missionary. I kick my spin my legs around and I get up like that.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

So a twin size bed doesn't work great for me.

[A]

Yeah, you made that, that lesbian laugh her head off.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah. D Nice.

[A]

So. So she.

[B]

I go, oh, you had enough like that? And then I fucking zip it. I whip it around, man. Hard pop up.

[A]

So she came down. I haven't seen her, you know what I mean, in so long. And she came down this weekend with. No, No. I mean, not tur. Well, both of us. You know what I mean? Both of us.

[B]

But I. Nah, but look at that face, though. You got Hot Bob still in there.

[A]

Do I?

[B]

Yeah, dude. And Hot Bob equal Hot box.

[A]

Do I. Yeah. Do I still have Boston Bobby in me?

[B]

You got it, dude.

[A]

Got it for sure. All right.

[B]

The gals always love Bobby Kelly.

[A]

Who am I giving? No, they don't.

[B]

No, you're wrong about that, dude. I got girls always love Bobby. But here's the thing. Here's what you haven't, I think, settled into yet, which you should.

[A]

But being old and chubby and having fat over my penis.

[B]

Yes, but not that. But you're a handsome fella.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Got a great shaved bald head.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

The beard is rocking.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

What you don't realize is you're not hot young Bob anymore. Now you're what the kids call a zaddy.

[A]

A what?

[B]

A total zaddy.

[A]

What the fuck is a zaddy?

[B]

It means the young gals like you, but you're not seeing it because you're thinking they're gonna be looking at you with still of like, the, let's get into a fucking closet and fuck the shit out of me right now. That's what happened to Hot Bob.

[A]

Can I tell you what, really, what is affecting me, too?

[B]

Well, let me finish this point, though.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Now, what you're not seeing is that same young girl. It's more of like a. Hey, give me, like, you know, I was like, God, hey, tell me that I'm a cool person. Like, do they want your approval?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like a father. And then they want to suck your dick.

[A]

Okay, that. Okay, okay. But here's a problem. I think that guy still lives in me.

[B]

Zaddy?

[A]

No, not zaddy.

[B]

Hot Bob.

[A]

Boston Bob still lives in me. I believe Black Lou has seen Boston Bob, but when it comes out. When he comes out, he comes out, and bad things are gonna happen to his marriage. You understand? When. When Boston Bobby comes out, I have to. I have to put them back in the ca. It's like the mask. I got to take it off.

[B]

It's like. Do you go. Is it like. Do you feel like you're relapsing if you go and put on, like, one of your old motorcycle jackets? Are you like, yo, don't take it off. Last gonna take over.

[A]

Last year at Skankfest.

[B]

I know in the motorcycle jackets.

[A]

I went to the bungalow at the Circa, and I walked in and bought girl. Boston Bobby came out. I don't know if you saw it.

[B]

I wasn't there. But Black Lou talks about it as legend.

[A]

Yeah. Legendary. Yeah, I saw it too. It's real. And he came out, and I broke her down. I broke her down. This chick was an 11, and I brought. What. I broke her down, and I made her a human being. And once I make him a human being, then I become a God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when I become a God, when I'm. I'm dangerous. But when I get into God mode, I don't know if I'm gonna come back. I don't know if. I don't know if. So I have to pull the mask off and walk away because I love my family. I love my wife in sweatpants and a sweatshirt that's mine. With her hair up and her roots growing back and, you know, some type of freckle on her chest and, you know, has. You know, I like that. I love that she sleeps with a pillow wall between us, like Game of Thrones. I like that sometimes she. Most of the time, she sleeps downstairs with Max or. You know that. I want to go back to Bobby. Yeah.

[B]

I don't want to be the here.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But clearly you mean everything you're saying. 100%, but still.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a zaddy. You should accept some of that. A little bit of that affection.

[A]

I know, but if I do, I might. I'll. I'll go back into.

[B]

Oh, but it could make you feel good. You know, I'm not. I'm not saying dunk your doodle, dude. I'm saying.

[A]

I don't know that. That's the thing.

[B]

Feel goods. Listen, I like the feel goods.

[A]

I don't know how to stop.

[B]

I love the feel goods, but I.

[A]

Want the feel goods now.

[B]

You can. You'd be surprised.

[A]

I love getting my pee pee touched by new people. But, yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it.

[B]

Doesn't love that.

[A]

I love breaking the seal of a fresh vagina.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Just dry. Dry. Oh, warm cake.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love that feeling. I love being behind a girl, one leg up, Captain Morgan, just banging in and out and then getting that. And only give them. I only give them half. This is my. I only give them half. I give them half.

[B]

So they think your dick is small first half.

[A]

No, they like it. It's fine. And then I push it all the way in one time and I see them go. And then I pull it out and give them half. You don't get that. And I tell them, I go, you don't get the rest of that until you deserve it. And then they make sure they deserve it. And then I push it all the way in and then I just let it go. Where do you want it? Where do you want it, Bobby?

[B]

I think I'm speaking fore everybody here. When I say, yeah, I don't think you want that at all. I agree with you.

[A]

I want that. I want that.

[B]

Oh, you do want that.

[A]

I want that. I want that so bad. Here's the problem.

[B]

You don't think you could walk the line of like. Of like you pop out? No, but it doesn't even change if.

[A]

I ever walk the line with anything. I have 75 knives. I have 15 flashlights. I have 14 seat camping cushions. I have 19 tents.

[B]

You got 15. You got 15 finger chopsticks?

[A]

Yeah, dude, I got 15 finger chopsticks. I don't walk the line, brother.

[B]

I got you.

[A]

Okay, so you can't zatty. You can't have zaddy energy. I could if these girls could keep their mouths shut, if you know what I'm saying. Listen in audience, if you let me.

[B]

Know ahead of time that you're cool.

[A]

Yeah, if you let me know you're not going to keep it.

[B]

If accidents happen, Bobby, pull out way early.

[A]

Oh, do I love to come inside and go, do you love me? And they go, I love you. And I go, me too.

[B]

I'm leaving town tomorrow morning. Do you love me? Bye.

[A]

Oh, God, I miss.

[B]

But listen, I'm saying about the walk in the line of like. Because it's not changing you're doing. You're still meeting the people.

[A]

Listen, I don't have it. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Guess what? This year I'm letting go of resentment. That's a big one because I got a lot of them. I hold them like tickets, and then when you cross me, I stick it in your face. But I'm done. I'm letting it go. A new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter. And you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate. They usually get your match right the first time, and if your match isn't right, it just doesn't fit. Switching to a different therapist is easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life. You can't take steps into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% off. Betterhelp.combonfire that's betterhelp.combonfire guys, you know running.

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[B]

No, but your girl should. Let me, let me see. You're meeting the people, right?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I'm just saying what you think you're not getting, you're getting. You got to change your perspective on how you're receiving it because you example, you think a young girl. I think you get a little thing where like these young girls necessarily aren't like you're like I am old to them. And if you want a connection with a chick where you're doing like the we're too hot people going off to go animalistic fuck. What you get is the feeling of like, hey, isn't that that cool? That 24 year old girl definitely would have fucked me. It's a nice feeling.

[A]

But here's what you, here's what you're missing. What happened at the pool at Circa to get those young girls to be comfortable, to get those young girls. I can't be a zaddy. I gotta be Boston Bobby and I gotta, I. I gotta turn into this. Yo, what's up? What are you doing? Get over here.

[B]

Talk to me. You're talking about out in the wild though. You're talking about in the wild. I'm talking about after shows where you can get this. You're already getting the same adoration. You're just drinking it in the wrong way.

[A]

But here's the problem. Yes, here's the problem. That's always been the problem with me. This is why I got caught cheating. This is why I was a piece of shit. Because if a girl comes out and shows me that and then I accept it. And the second she touches me in a sexual way, I have to finish. I'm like. I'm like Ben Affleck and the accountant. I gotta finish. I gotta finish. I have sexual autism.

[B]

Go home and slap it around a little bit, dude.

[A]

Slap it around. Don't do it, bro.

[B]

Really? With the idea that you're like, yo, that 24 year old girl wanted to fuck. That doesn't just feel good. And you can go fucking slap it around.

[A]

Every day I fight not going to a massage parlor dollar and getting somebody to jerk me off.

[B]

Oh, just go.

[A]

Thank you. That's all I was looking for. Thank you, daddy.

[B]

You're fighting that all the time.

[A]

But I get out of here.

[B]

Dude gets mad at that. You tell her that I said, what's that?

[A]

They'll keep their mouth shut.

[B]

They want to stay in this beautiful country, they will.

[A]

She's got to get a translator to rat me out.

[B]

You can sew their mouth shut if you want. I think you do whatever you want to them for the right price. They're slaves. Yes.

[A]

Jacob, have you seen the circa girl?

[B]

Never saw Bobby.

[A]

Could have got.

[B]

I think actually Lou send a picture to Christine.

[A]

This is why I know Bobby. I know it is dangerous for Bobby because we were all he got the girl we all wanted. Sure. I was in a room full of probably you're saying 15 comics.

[B]

I'm not asking this to be shitty at all.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just saying I want to know what the extent of it was. And all of you guys can concur. This girl would have give Bobby her number and hung out another time with him.

[A]

I believe it's not.

[B]

I know she's working. I know she's her job to be friendly. Right. She was genuinely falling for it. Paid attention to nobody else.

[A]

Yeah. Was totally engaged with Bobby.

[B]

Oh, Bobby. I mean if this girl gives you time of day, she'd leave your family.

[A]

That's the point. That's what I have to avoid. I had to never. I went. I never went back to the pool.

[B]

Dude, I don't want to be this guy. And I hate you making me say this on national radio.

[A]

Yeah, this is.

[B]

Girls better than your family.

[A]

Yeah, she's better than Max. She's better than. She's better than my. My family, my immediate family and my extended family. Yes.

[B]

I will tell you what this is. I tell you what. It's harder. It's hard to feel bad about not seeing your first grandchild when your face is buried in that bumper. Dude, you're not gonna care. And I'm telling you what. When she starts sagging up, you're gonna cash out into another youngie because they're gonna wonder what the hubbub is because this one was there already. They get the stink on you.

[A]

Last night I sat down at my kitchen table. My son was. He. He went out and grilled steaks for everybody. My wife made vegetables and rice and all kinds of other stuff. Biscuits. And we sat down at a kitchen table with my son and his girlfriend, quote, unquote, when she's a guy. No, I'm just saying. Because they're young.

[B]

Because she's a guy with his quote, unquote girlfriend, if you know what I mean, because they're young.

[A]

And we sat down at the dinner table. My son cooked the steaks. My wife. We all sat down, we had a beautiful dinner together. I finally have the family that I never had, that I always wanted, and I had. J, J, J. Yes.

[B]

No, I'm sorry. You were saying something about Thanksgiving.

[A]

I understand, but you have to. You have to know this, right? There's an age difference between us, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm. I'm an. Hang on. I'm an addict. Okay. And number. Number three. I did a lot of. I did a lot of. I had my fill of crazy. I've done it all. I've done it all.

[B]

You're selling me, dude. But the one thing you're selling me hard, you brought this to the table about this girl seeing the people, and you're not able to do anything about it. And because you can't walk that line, you brought it here. So you're saying it out loud to try to convince yourself that's exactly what I'm doing. I just want you to know and listen to me.

[A]

But.

[B]

And I know, and you should. Nobody should use me as their guiding force in any possible way.

[A]

But here's the problem.

[B]

But I'm telling you, you should Find at all costs a way to this girl behind your family.

[A]

Here's. Here's why, though, because I'm also what. What conflicts should have.

[B]

Vegas, residency.

[A]

What if I did, my marriage would be over because I'd be fucking dancers two at a time. And I used to. I used to.

[B]

Oh, buddy. Once this one's walking around with you, the other ones are going to wonder what other holes of yours they can work. Dude, do you need your butthole spit in while this hot one you did.

[A]

I did it all.

[B]

The other comic was trying for her.

[A]

I did. They all bombed. Here's the thing. Is that Jacob? Honey, is that you? If I do this, if I did that, you forget the other side of me, the romantic side. Romantic. Bobby's in there too, and I fall in love quick.

[B]

Dude, do you know how romantic you're gonna feel on a fucking veranda with this fucking piece of shit?

[A]

I know. This is what's gonna happen. We're gonna bang. We'll bang for a minute, right? She'll at some point realize that I'm 55, right? And realize that, you know, you're Bobby.

[B]

Kelly from the Bonfire.

[A]

But I'm not a millionaire. I'm a thousandaire. Dude, it's not my fault.

[B]

It's the bonfire's F. SiriusXM's fault.

[A]

It really is. Oh, you're gonna get all kinds of people. Listen.

[B]

Hey, look at that.

[A]

I know, I know. Dude, I was in that mode.

[B]

I thought that was Dawn.

[A]

Do you know what I did? Right? Dawn?

[B]

Oh, that's not Dawn.

[A]

No. Unless it's at Home Depot and it's in the spaded shovel aisle. And I love Don's ass. I love a small ass. Listen, I actually disengaged from it. I felt it. It came out. I was right there. I was literally going to go, listen, I got a show tomorrow night at Skank Fest. You're coming. I'm getting you tickets. Bring your girlfriend, whoever you got to bring. Don't bring your boyfriend because you're crazy if you do that.

[B]

We're going to wear this butt plug that I control from my phone.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

And when you show up, be wearing this butt plug I control from my phone.

[A]

Do you know what I did? I went into the. I went into the crystal booth that Superman went in and I had my powers taken away.

[B]

You had them taken away?

[A]

And I went in the pool with Ari and I talked about Guatemala with Ari for an hour.

[B]

No, Bobby.

[A]

What?

[B]

You didn't realize, though, and you didn't know this, and I Should have told you this beforehand. Yeah, I reversed the crystals. So while we were all getting it on the outside, you were safe on the inside. On the inside.

[A]

Oh, okay. So he's still there.

[B]

I still have that guy. He's very smart. Very smart.

[A]

I. I just. I just. Dude, if I turn it on, here's the thing, too. I have no. Like, she's smoking hot. That's great. But I. I get. When I get into it, I don't care who it is. I'll. I'll. I'll. I just want to. I want to bang. I want to have sex.

[B]

Look, I'm telling you, drop a couple of pancakes and this one's back. Your name's out there now.

[A]

I'm not dropping it on her back. I'm dropping it right in her face.

[B]

Yeah, that is the place to do it.

[A]

I'm a kisser.

[B]

Let her know. Let her know she's not too pretty for this batch. On your stupid face.

[A]

Goddamn right. What do you want it, face?

[B]

What do you want? She goes, my stomach. And you go, I heard face. Yeah. And I just do it anyway.

[A]

I'm gonna blind you in your left eye for an hour and a half.

[B]

I'm sorry. I heard face.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She goes anywhere but my face. I heard face.

[A]

Yeah, I just. I just. That guy is still there, but I don't have it, like. So this girl shows up with her new boyfriend, who's my age.

[B]

Boyfriend?

[A]

Yeah. She's dating. She got divorced.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Yeah. A lot of people.

[B]

Here's the problem.

[A]

A lot of girls that I used to bang have already been through a.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, and that guy got all the best years of it.

[A]

The husband. She's got kids. She's got. You know, so we're at the same thing. But she showed up. Still looks. Look hot. Would have been fun as hell, but I was just like, hey, man, nice to meet you. You guys make a great couple. Blah, blah, blah. I did all that stuff.

[B]

And you cried in a bank vault.

[A]

No, I went on, jerked off. I went to a hot dog place, got a hot dog, and I went and jerked off.

[B]

With the bun?

[A]

Yeah, with the bunny.

[B]

That's what you've done. Save yourself those carbs. You eat the hot dog and then jerk off with the bun.

[A]

No, that's hot.

[B]

Oh, she loves her dog. Yeah. Bobby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You just break up with Thorn?

[A]

Dude.

[B]

I like saying it like. You guys are in a high school relationship. Just break up, dude.

[A]

Yeah, it was. It was a weird. Because I saw her. I Saw her and that this all goes back to my best friend's girl. Not that he's my best friend, but to see this guy and know what I've done with her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Know what I could do with her?

[B]

Oh, I. I do like that.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I like that a lot when that comes up. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you don't know that guy that I was with. That's a different thing. I'm saying, like, we have someone you're with. No, I love when you see it's. There's. Any guy would be lying if you didn't say there was that little fun thing, by the way. Being happy for somebody and whatever. It's like. No, it's great. They're a great person. I'm glad they found, like, happiness. Whatever. You. I wonder if that guy knows that I dragged my nuts across her face or something of some wacky thing.

[A]

I mean, if this guy knew what I did to this girl, he wouldn't be with his girl.

[B]

Sure he would.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

In your 50s, you gotta be over that.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no. Naked poker night with my friend. Anyways, we've, We've done. We. We had a lot of fun back in the day. Yeah, A lot of fun. And just looking at him and he's old. He was older. He, he, he, he. He was older. Like, he looked, you know, 55. Like, I look at guys who are 55 or 50, they look way older than I do. Yeah, it's, like, crazy.

[B]

Because you're a zaddy. Bring up the definition, Christina. Zaddy.

[A]

He.

[B]

Show Bobby. He's total zaddy.

[A]

There's no way he's doing what I would do to this day, by the way. Way to this day. If me and her hooked up.

[B]

No.

[A]

Saturday night, I would have took her back to the room and I would.

[B]

Have done a lot of knees behind the ears, role play, wet finger in the butt.

[A]

I would have made her act. I would have made her stay in character.

[B]

Oh, you're a sexually attractive man, Especially an older one who is fashionable or. And charismatic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm afraid to let that person out because I don't want.

[B]

It's out.

[A]

I don't want to ruin my life.

[B]

It's out, Bobby. Yeah, but the zaddy's out. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's a problem. Here's a problem is that every chick has a phone. Every girl has a social media. You can't do fun, secret shit anymore.

[B]

No, not if you're gonna do it. Not if you're gonna do it. Fucking not if you can do it like Joe from Impractical Joker Style and bring dipshit 19 year olds to your fucking hotel room and ask to kiss their belly buttons or whatever. That was dumb as shit.

[A]

What did that bag slut say? Me? I said I don't think the girls are gonna blow your spot up. Yeah, I don't think that's. It's a. It's a. It's. I. I am so happy with these young girls.

[B]

They want to please you because you're a zaddy.

[A]

I just. I just love my life right now so much.

[B]

Yeah, say five more times.

[A]

I love my life so much. I love my life so much. I love my life so much.

[B]

Make him say. Can you make him say it into that girl's ass, please?

[A]

Oh, wait, hang on. Yeah, I'll say it. I've got a problem.

[B]

Also, do me a favor. Throw her name up there and see if there's a. Only fans leak would be the word you typed.

[A]

Do this to me, Jay.

[B]

Who's gonna check it out?

[A]

Don't do this.

[B]

No, this seems like a good girl. She's probably not splitting her gash.

[A]

She's a professional model.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

She's professional.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Girl who works in Vegas as a bartender and she's an 11. She has no naked photos anywhere.

[B]

No. Why would she.

[A]

What do you got? You seen them?

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

We also found out that she owns a fashion label. Yeah. Thanks to you.

[B]

Yeah, she didn't say to us all.

[A]

Day until you came, and then she.

[B]

Started just giving out information. Yeah, it's a fashion label.

[A]

Yeah, we just had a little chat about.

[B]

Yeah, hats.

[A]

Boston Bobby wasn't listening to this dummy.

[B]

Yeah, Put this yammer on, dude. I'm just watching that mouth and seeing which quadrant I'm gonna put my wang in first.

[A]

Yeah. God damn it.

[B]

I'm not. Fine. I love this, though. Bill Bean says you are absolutely bootylicious, babe.

[A]

She is.

[B]

That's a funny thing.

[A]

Don't put. Don't.

[B]

That'd be a funny thing.

[A]

Please don't put her thing out there. I don't want her to get a bunch of.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She wants it out there.

[A]

No, she does not. She doesn't want. Let me tell you something.

[B]

The.

[A]

The video clip I put up of my. Of this. This. The sister with the brother and I thought they were together and she's a singer. She hate. She hates the fact she got yummy guys started contacting her about wanting to date her. Like, hundreds.

[B]

Can we see if she. If she can call in.

[A]

No, because. Because I don't have Boston Bobby right now.

[B]

I want to ask her to get mad. I want to ask her if she was feeling. She was feeling the vibes.

[A]

Well, she's. She's not gonna say that right now, dude, because I need. I need to. It's the. It's the minute, it's the moment. It's the thing. I walked into a room full of comics, all dudes, and this chick was there, and it just came out. He came out like, buddy love.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He popped out. He came out, and I just. And when it took over, I let it go. And I didn't see all the other dudes around me. I didn't give a. And then. And then I. I jumped in the pool with an old Jewish guy.

[B]

Well, I'm just gonna tell you something. Yeah. As your friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wasn't there when you guys talked to him about this girl. No. And I've never met her, but I'm willing to love her as much, if not more, as I do your family right now, currently, if you just choose to go that direction.

[A]

I appreciate that. That means the world to me.

[B]

I have a pool now, and it looks like she likes to be around water.

[A]

She does. She can come swim.

[B]

She can come swim.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, she can come swim.

[A]

Oh, look at her diving in the. Oh, God.

[B]

Put extra salt. I have to put extra salt in that pool, though, for all the cum loads that are going to be popping. He goes, yeah, it's a little murky in this water.

[A]

Yeah, you're gonna have to get, like, a metal skimmer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bobby's girlfriend's running around again. I don't know. He's in the Young Chicks, I guess.

[A]

God, man, she's hot. What team is she into? What's that football thing?

[B]

Whatever team you want, dude.

[A]

It's stadium swim. It's for circa.

[B]

Yeah, dude, that's her work outfit.

[A]

Yeah, there was. There was a brief.

[B]

Get her away from all this. She's out there being objectified by a bunch of people. Get her away from that.

[A]

I just keep her there.

[B]

No, no. You want to take her away from.

[A]

No, I.

[B]

You get her up to Katona.

[A]

You don't know, dude. I'm not bringing it to the good life, buddy.

[B]

Can I tell you something? I think this girl, and correct me if I'm wrong, when you were going through her Instagram there, Christine looks like she makes a pretty good lemon square.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Now she's a 12.

[B]

I know you love lemon squares.

[A]

I do love a lemon square, buddy. You leave her in. You leave her in Vegas because Vegas, she's gonna get beaten down.

[B]

Stow her away.

[A]

She's gonna get beaten down. Vegas kills these girls. They go out there with all these hopes and dreams, and she gets beaten down.

[B]

So you gotta pull her out before she gets on the heroin, though.

[A]

No. Right. I'll pull her out for a little bit and then bring her back.

[B]

Yeah. Never till she hits heroin. But when she's right at the edge of doing heroin, I come into town.

[A]

And we go and we sweep in.

[B]

You get her back on her feet. Feeling good about life. Yeah, baby. We're gonna be together forever. And you fucking just leave again in the middle of the night.

[A]

Send her gifts all the time. It just comes in the mail. A little Louis Vuitton purse comes in the mail. She's like, no, this is from my zaddy.

[B]

Total zaddy.

[A]

Yeah, sugar zaddy. Sugar zaddy. Oh, if I was. Let me tell you this. If I was a multi millionaire, I'd cheat in a second. If I didn't have to worry about dawn getting my house and me living in a tiny house, I would. I'd be out there banging away just.

[B]

How much she wants you around.

[A]

I just throw 10 grand right in their face when I was done. Hey, keep your mouth shut.

[B]

Yeah, shut up, stupid.

[A]

I want another ten grand. Here you go. Get blackmailed for sure. Oh, I would love it. I'd love to get blackmailed. Blackmailed. That sounded weird.

[B]

Yeah, it did sound. I bet she's okay with that, too. Yeah, I bet Dawn's fine with that.

[A]

I bet this girl's okay with that. I know Dawn's not okay with that. Okay with that. She barely liked Patrice. I told you. That's why I knew Don was a good one. I used to bring all my girls to the Cellar. Any chick I dated, I bring to the Cellar and sit him at a table with God for yeah. And then. And already a lot of them would walk out. They were so fun. I'm like, you're done? And dawn walked out. When I go, what do you think of that? She goes, they talk a lot. And loud. I was like, she's the one. I will love you forever. You're the one. I'm gonna cheat on you for a while, but I'm gonna get serious. Yeah, you will be the one.

[B]

That was that great. I used to love that Patrice joke. He goes, my girl's been with me.

[A]

Oh, it's the best joke.

[B]

Was it for, like, seven years.

[A]

My girls would be with. My girls have been with me for six years. I've been with her three months. So true. It's such a guy. Only guys are going, oh, my God. I've only loved you for the last.

[B]

Three months of our marriage because she moved me. Six years. I've been with her for, like, three months.

[A]

The funniest joke ever. Every guy relates to that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, look, I'm. I really am the happiest.

[B]

And the other one, he had, like, the relatable things, just, like, not. Not wanting to hurt people's feelings ever. He used to have that joke about my chico. He goes. My cheek goes. I want. He goes, I don't want to break up with her. I just wanted to get, like, hit by a bus, gone from the earth completely.

[A]

He's like, I don't want to just.

[B]

Break up with her. That's gonna hurt her feelings and make her sad. I just like her to. Maybe she was hit by a bus and erased completely from the earth.

[A]

I've actually thought about, like, these. They're called intrusive thoughts.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I've actually thought about, like, all the.

[B]

Sympathy I get if I found Christine dead on a bathroom floor.

[A]

Oh, because. Because I pay for everything and she doesn't. I pay all the bills. Like, if she did, like, when we was. When we were split, paying. I never really thought about it because, you know, I'd have to change my lifestyle.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But if. If something. I've thought about if something did happen or I get to live the same life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would just have to get, like, a nanny or for Matt.

[B]

I need a house manager.

[A]

Yeah. We'd still do all the same shit, except it would be with some smoking hot from Jersey with tattoos.

[B]

But we would be heroes because of how we tried. Yeah, we tried our best.

[A]

God forbid I take that back. I want nothing to happen to Dawn. I do want her to get over this menopause, though. What an annoying excuse that is. It's dry.

[B]

This young lady spitting it. This young lady here is a few years away from that still, though.

[A]

A few?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You out of your mind?

[B]

In fact, this girl's guessing is wet in every single one of these pictures. My guess would be her is sloppy soaking wet in all these pictures. Yeah, she stays with no hair down there for sure. So, yeah, she definitely is just always slick.

[A]

It is weird to see dawn naked now because she got her boobs taken out, so she's got her original titties back.

[B]

Oh, geez.

[A]

She's got her OG and they. They literally made them, like, the same. Except they fixed her nipple. When she had, like, one nipple that was bigger than the other back in the day, which kind of weirded me out. She had a mole I had her get rid of. I didn't. I didn't do it. I just kept mentioning it. When are you getting.

[B]

I thought you just kept telling the doctor while she was under, just different things. You wanted to change. I just kept saying, also, take a rib out.

[A]

You know, they take those off. You could tie, like, dental floss around that. It would just die off. But her. Her now having her new titties. It's kind of. It's kind of sexy to have a new. A new body to be around. Not that I. You know, we do anything really.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. What are you gonna do, you know?

[B]

Do you know you can do things. You know, you can do things with their body. Isn't it that girl from Vegas?

[A]

Yeah. I don't have to figure out anything. I'm gonna eat her ass.

[B]

Cunt, by the way.

[A]

I'm gonna literally eat her ass. I'm literally gonna go from the top of her to the corner of her ass. Wrinkle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Luke. And she's like. I'm gonna go deeper and deeper. I'm gonna make her come five times and then beg for it. And then I'm gonna do the half in, half out, and then she's gonna beg for it, and I'm gonna give her the whole thing and then pop it out and then go back down.

[B]

You really got a real thing about this. Giving him a little bit in the whole thing.

[A]

That's my technique. It's my thing.

[B]

Bobby really married to this. Give him a little. Make him ask for the whole thing.

[A]

It's a proven technique over years. I discovered it in the 80s. It took me through the 90s and the early aughts.

[B]

Ooh, that's not bad.

[A]

And it was good.

[B]

Straight through Miami Vice.

[A]

It's a great move. Great move.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

You know what I used to do, too, a lot of times I wouldn't. I wouldn't let them do anything to me. Like, the first time, that was a mind fuck.

[B]

I like that. Yeah.

[A]

I would never let them do anything. I would just please them.

[B]

I'm. I'm. That's. My mindset has always been that it would be like. Yeah, I. I've. I don't know if I've ever just gotten, like, a blowjob. If something's going to Happen. If not. If no sex is going to happen, my brain would always go to go down on them.

[A]

Oh, I've. I love. That was my. That was actually my favorite movie.

[B]

Yeah. Your hop up.

[A]

Oh, I love.

[B]

I'm going back to morbidly obese J. Right.

[A]

I love just a blow job. I love a chick who go, all right, let's go. I want what I'm a sucky dick.

[B]

It's still my personality, though. Now if it grows, if it girls like, I want to suck your dick. I really. I feel like my instincts would be like, I wonder if I can go the other direction first, if I could do them.

[A]

Or are you also like, are they gonna be any good?

[B]

It.

[A]

Is it gonna take me forever to come?

[B]

It's a lot of that, but it's also in my mind, I'm like, that person leaves more being like, man, that guy is awesome. Not like, I just chugged his load.

[A]

It's the worst. After a chick swallows your load and you have like 10 more minutes in the car together, you just have to see her. You know the kiss is coming. You're like, I never got a ton.

[B]

Of car blow jobs.

[A]

I've got so my.

[B]

Yeah, it sounds like that was your jam.

[A]

Oh, I loved it. I loved it because I had cars. When you could get a blow job.

[B]

Your bench seat in the front.

[A]

I had a 67 Chevy Impala. Yeah, you could have an orgy in the front seat.

[B]

Yeah. You have two perps in the back. Yeah.

[A]

I used to have a. A Hyundai hatchback. And my move was to get them outside the car.

[B]

Hyundai. Hyundai.

[A]

Hyundai. Yeah. Was it Hyundai hatchback? It was a 2 to a Hyundai hatchback.

[B]

What year?

[A]

It had to be 80s.

[B]

Was Hyundai around then?

[A]

Yeah, late 80s, early 90s. Yeah. Yeah. It was my first new used car because up until then I had 250 cars. 300 cars. Yeah. Gran Torino, 280 ZX.

[B]

Due to the auctions, I.

[A]

No, I just would buy them. Like, I would just buy them off of dudes.

[B]

I got cars.

[A]

That was it right there. It was a red one, but it was gray. It was the gray one. Yeah, there it is. I had that. Which was a new car back then. There was a new company and.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That must have been Hyundai being brand new.

[A]

It was manual. You had to shift it. That back went up and I would put them in the back, put the seats down and put their legs up in the corner and just go to town. And my move was always to eat A girl's butt on the first date. If we got down, I'm eating your butt. That's so like you're so. Before you're ahead of your time because. Yeah, because nobody ate butt. It was like gay.

[B]

I think I've always done that too. I feel like maybe not the exact first time always, but I think it's. I think it's surprising also. A lot of times when I've done that, it's the first time it's ever been done right to them. And then it can be like a point of like a real like holy shit. You opened up my mind to that.

[A]

When I was in my 1920, 21, 25. I'm dating girls my age, they never had anybody lick their butt.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Going to some butt back then, especially 80s 90s is gay. It was just gay. It was nuts. It was, it was, it was crazy. Crazy.

[B]

But I like the Legos, but in the gayest way, like behind them. I mean a real licking like it is a guy.

[A]

I didn't like that. Dude. I, I put their legs on when.

[B]

The legs are way up now for sure I would. That's how you incorporate. But once in a while you just gotta go. Just maybe just a full on assy.

[A]

No, I did the as lick and then lick the. But I always go back to the mainframe. Of course I would go down a little bit, get into it and they would go nuts. And then I'd go back, but not from behind.

[B]

Full tongue bath through a bunghole.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Different strokes, right?

[A]

Different strokes, baby, different strokes. That car did me so good. Except it never started in the rain.

[B]

I. A girl who. A girl who worked with my mom who was fat in my.

[A]

Yeah, that is the gay way. But I tell you what, that's hot. Whatever he just did, he just ate her ass.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

You know remember that movie Do It Two Girls and a Guy. Robert Downey Jr. Ate Heather Graham's ass.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, I got a full heart on the movie theater. Oh God.

[B]

The guy from the bear ate Brian.

[A]

Williams daughter's asshole buddy in Robert Downey Jr. Spun Heather Graham around and just ate her ass. Yeah, and I got a full heart on because that was my thing. I loved eating ass and I never ass eating.

[B]

I agree. Yeah.

[A]

The problem is when they do it to you. I've always felt bad.

[B]

Have a girl eat your ass.

[A]

I always felt bad after because I'm like, I made her, she didn't. No girl wants to eat ass. Yeah, they'll go down to the balls. They'll definitely do the taint. But then when you start holding your ass cheeks open and throwing your legs over your head, it fucks up the mood.

[B]

It is. Yeah. It's hard to introduce when they turn.

[A]

Over and you're on all fours presenting your asshole.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when you go get in.

[B]

There and your legs gotta be up. Yeah. It's humiliating.

[A]

No girl wants to hear when they're licking your ass on the outside. Get in there.

[B]

Yeah, it's humiliating. It's goddamn.

[A]

I want to say sorry to all of you if you're listening.

[B]

Every lady out there. I apologize. That's coming straight from Zaddy Bobby.

[A]

You see him go in and get a face cloth and wipe their lips.

[B]

Zaddy Bob. Zaddy Bob. We should take a break. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, we should take a break.

[B]

Is it about that time? For tickets and all the tour dates, visit Punchup Live Robert Kelly. And make sure you check out Bobby's new YouTube channel, YouTube.comoberTKellyComedy and he's at the Village Underground, 7pm Fat Black Pussycat.

[A]

Every Tuesday.

[B]

Every Tuesday night.

[A]

Every Tuesday night. Go to bigj.Comedy.com and YouTube.com igjok for his live shows that he's doing that are killing it. And get the them they special. It's up there right now. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire. Gas, gifts, tolls. This holiday trip is draining my wallet. Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family. You're festive. What's your deal?

[B]

What's my deal?

[A]

Holiday savings at Metro. I got one line of 5G free. Just $25 per month. And I kept the phone I love and no activation fees and a five year price guarantee on my talk text.

[B]

And data detour to Metro.

[A]

It is get that more for your money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile.

[B]

It's $30 your first month or without. Autopay price guarantee, exclusion supply. See cipher details. Ted Danson here to let you know.

[A]

About a special episode of our podcast where everybody knows your name. This week Woody and I are so chuffed. That's an English term, chuffed. To welcome a true Texas gentleman, Matthew McConaughey.

[B]

We had a blast talking to Matthew in his hometown of Austin.

[A]

And we got into everything from Matthew's books and poetry to his very special friendship with Woody. Not as special as mine, of course.

[B]

Listen to this episode of where everybody knows your name with me, Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson.

[A]

Sometimes. This was a sometimes.

[B]

Wherever you get your podcasts.