Fake Taylor Swift & Colin Quinn

Summary

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The Bonfire – "Fake Taylor Swift & Colin Quinn"

Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Date: February 27, 2026
Guest: Chris Voss
Topic Highlights: Comedy movies, generational taste, celebrity impersonators, and a surprise call from Colin Quinn

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire is a raucous, freewheeling examination of classic comedy films, generational comic taste, and the weirdness of pop culture—from Robert Duvall’s legacy and the hottest Westerns to a deep-dive into celebrity impersonators (particularly a "Fake Taylor Swift" performing for kids with racy dance moves). Spirited debates between Jay and Bobby, punchy barbs from Chris Voss, and a surprise call-in from comedy legend Colin Quinn keep things lively, irreverent, and quintessentially Bonfire.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

Reminiscing on Robert Duvall’s Career (01:37–04:50)

• The gang opens up with a eulogy of sorts for Robert Duvall, who has (jokingly) passed, sparking a bit about the humiliations and paydays of late-career actors.
• Memorable moment:
  • Robert Kelly: “He was not for the last couple years.”
  • Big Jay: “Guys in the decline. It’s over. Let him end.” (02:16)
• Arguments about Duvall’s best/worst roles (e.g., The Judge, Lonesome Dove) vs. his legacy.

Western Film Showdown (04:51–09:54)

• A fiery, comedic argument over the best Western ever:
  • Bobby defends Lonesome Dove.
  • Jay argues for Tombstone.
  • Chris Voss offers love for Silverado and 310 to Yuma.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Big Jay: “Greatest western of all time is Tombstone.” (04:13)
  • Robert: “No, that is untrue, and I am offended.” (04:15)
• The comedy escalates with talk of “spaghetti westerns” vs. “taco Westerns” and crushes on Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas (Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn).

Comedy Movie Hot Takes & Generational Gaps (14:27–37:44)

• Extended riff on generational comic taste, running through Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, John Candy, Robin Williams, and more.
• Jay and Bobby express their love for raunchier, R-rated comedies (Revenge of the Nerds, Porky’s, Bachelor Party) over "softer" classics.
• Critical of Woody Allen’s films; Chris Voss tries to champion early Allen, cueing up famous scenes to win them over, with little success.
  • Big Jay: “There’s no Woody Allen movie that’s hilarious.” (17:16)
  • Robert: “What? Step Brothers. ... It was hilarious. Very funny. MacGruber. ... I thought it was very funny.” (18:02)
• Mel Brooks and John Hughes films get similarly dissected.
• Movie quips:
  • Jay: “Princess Bride—never gave a shit. Saw it. It was fine.” (34:29)
  • Robert: “Nine to Five is 100 percent a comedy now.” (34:03)

The Bizarre World of Fake Taylor Swift (37:45–46:30)

• Jay introduces a wild video of a Taylor Swift impersonator (found on Instagram as “Taylor Too”), performing seductive routines for confused children at parties.
• The guys riff on the awkwardness of hiring such acts, the spectacle of a grown woman in racy outfits performing “Look What You Made Me Do” in front of wide-eyed kids.
  • Jay: “Isn’t this song about… swallowing the whole load?” (42:41)
  • Robert: “Yeah, it’s not her with a big black eye. Look what you made me do.” (42:51)
• Jokes about booking the impersonator themselves for studio bits, comparing rates, and imagining male staffers cross-dressing as Swift for cheaper.
• Memorable Bit (43:14):
  • Robert: “Now, do you have to tell the kids that it's fake or do you just let them believe it's real?”
  • Jay: “What a shitty fucking gig. Bobby, the fucking gig you did in the moving truck … is way better than what’s happening here.”

The Colin Quinn Call-In – Comedy Legends Intersect (56:47–64:07)

• Robert calls up Colin Quinn live to quiz him about Bobby’s upcoming show dates—Colin, to everyone’s amazement, nails the answers, confessing he compulsively checks Bobby’s schedule and the weather in Bobby's tour towns.
  • Colin Quinn: “It’s good to connect in some way. …. Sometimes … I check the weather in that location.” (61:05)
• Playful introspection about comedy mentorship, who outlives whom, and their interdependent, sometimes bonkers friendship dynamics.
• Jay and Colin riff on “dead pools” of comedians and the longevity of Voss.
  • Jay: “Who had Voss before Robert Duvall in their deadpool? I did.” (63:26)

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Notable Quotes

• Big Jay Oakerson (on Woody Allen):
  “There’s no Woody Allen movie that’s hilarious.” (17:16)
• Robert Kelly (on Taylor Swift impersonator):
  “Now, do you have to tell the kids that it’s fake or do you just let them believe it’s real?” (43:14)
• Chris Voss (on comedy taste):
  “You’d never know because I know you’ll never watch these movies.” (17:28)
• Colin Quinn (on checking Bobby’s schedule):
  “It’s good to connect in some way … sometimes I check the weather in that location.” (61:05)

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Funniest and Most Memorable Exchanges

• The “Best Western” Debate:
  “You like spaghetti Westerns?” / “No, that’s a taco Western.” (05:26)
• On R-rated Comedies:
  “I love fucking Porky’s.” (23:45)
• On Fake Taylor Swift:
  “What a shitty fucking gig. … The fucking gig you did in the moving truck … is way better than what’s happening here.” (43:14)
• Colin Quinn’s Comedy Schedule Superpower:
  “Well, you just got back from Columbus, Ohio. And now you’re going to…Illinois.” (58:30)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Reminiscing on Duvall & Westerns: 01:37–09:54
• Comedy Movie Debate (Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, John Candy): 14:27–37:44
• Fake Taylor Swift Deep Dive: 37:45–46:30
• Colin Quinn Surprise Call & Banter: 56:47–64:07

---

Tone and Vibe

As ever, The Bonfire thrives on unfiltered, raw, and often self-deprecating camaraderie. Jay and Bobby blend reminiscing with caustic put-downs, keeping the laughs tight and the pace brisk. Even while talking about childhood trauma (Angus vs. Outsiders), awkward children’s parties, or the sadness of holiday gigs, the tone remains playful and raunchy, never far from a roast or an inside joke at a friend’s expense.

---

Summary

If you love the candid chaos of comics dissecting pop culture, generational divides, and the strange ecosystem of showbiz, this episode delivers. From mock eulogies for Hollywood icons, to roasting “off-brand” Taylor Swift, to the surreal spectacle of Colin Quinn’s managerial stalking, this is an absolute Bonfire—raucous, unfiltered, and laugh-out-loud funny.

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Transcript

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Chris Voss]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What the hell is that?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know, but you should hit her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's happening?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know, dude. She came in with an attitude and they said you behind your back and then turned the lights off in the middle of your sentence and then went, yeah, I don't know what it was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I understand.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then she blew a kiss to Black Lou. I don't know what's going on with Christine. I understand she's off the rails, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She hasn't handled Robert Duvall's death well.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my favorite actor. Yeah, I'm not either.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? You're not okay?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay, you're okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

He's dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He wasn't killing it.

[Robert Kelly]

He was not for the last couple years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guys in the decline. It's over. Let him end.

[Robert Kelly]

Bums me out. The one of the last movies. Was that Robert Downey Jr. Where he his pants in the tub?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, come on, dude. Come on, dude. Yeah. Now you just. That's my last memory.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just the judge.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the judge.

[Chris Voss]

Terrible.

[Robert Kelly]

We just his pants in the tub.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Terrible movie.

[Robert Kelly]

Good movie, but terrible to See Robert Duvall.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah, I don't want to see him like that. He was. Got some really good bit parts. And thank you for smoking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He also took a couple of paychecks in his thing because. Is it falling down? Is he the. The. Is he the couple informant falling down?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, that guy, he couldn't have phoned in more. I mean, they just gave him chat. GPT cop lines, that whole movie. It's kind of like on my retirement day. Like this has to happen on the day I'm retiring. You know, I just get a little worried. What if. What if retirement's not for me?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, after Good Godfather 3, he turned down because of the money, I think. Yeah, he turned. Turned it down because of the money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Flew too close to the sun.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I saw an interview. He was on Opie and Anthony, and Norton was talking to him. He goes, look, man, you can pay my. You can pay Pacino two times more than me, but not ten times more than me. Yeah, and then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then he ended up on Opie and Anthony.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a legit spit take, and I am so sorry. The timing was pure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, I mean, he's telling the story. Oh, no, he's not telling the story even on Howard Stern. He's telling on Opie and Anthony.

[Chris Voss]

Is that right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With Jim Norton,

[Robert Kelly]

it really is a fall from grace.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I remember seeing him open for Carrot Top once.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but he did Lonesome Dove. He did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Godfather mentioned Lonesome Dove too much. I'm pretty sure that was a thing for moms to watch when we were killing the great.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the greatest western of all time. It's an epic six hour miniseries. That was. No, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, listen, Greatest Western of all time is Tombstone.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that is untrue, and I am offended.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm your huckleberry.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not my huckleberry. When you say horseshit like that.

[Chris Voss]

Jay's right.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Chris Voss]

I have spoken.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why, Bobby Kelly, it looks like somebody just walked over your grave, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Good lines, but not phenomenal Western. Phenomenal western, but not the great. No way. Are you nuts?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, how we found out that Wyatt Earp had a soft side and liked an actress. Thank you. True, huh?

[Chris Voss]

It's all true.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is that whole story? Yeah, I know. That's. I treat it like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but in the real world, did you know that he went with the guy? He was actually bisexual.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In fact, when people tell me. When people go, val Kilmer's dead, I go, no, I know. He died from tuberculosis in the old West. But he did put down Johnny Ringo first, which was pretty impressive. Fox. Not with you longer.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't. You can't say just because. Look, great movie, great lines, phenomenal movie, but tremendous actors. You love Westerns. You're gonna have to go the Searchers. You're gonna have to go the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the. The spaghetti westerns. And you're gonna have to put the Lonesome Dove six out of westerns.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like Italian?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, they're great.

[Chris Voss]

But also, I'll give you another one. Silverado. Fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. It's a good Western. I'm not saying you don't think the Good and the Bad the Ugly is one of the greatest Westerns of all time.

[Chris Voss]

I think it's forgiven. One of the greatest. Second greatest Western is the greatest.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't say it, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

One.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't say it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Desperado.

[Robert Kelly]

You're an. That's a Mexican Western. That's not. That's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a taco Western.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a good Western.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't like spaghetti Western. I like my western's taco.

[Robert Kelly]

You like a little hot sauce?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like a burrito western.

[Robert Kelly]

I like a little sting in the back of my throat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe a burrito bowl because I'm watching my carbs, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

It's crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. No, not yet.

[Chris Voss]

Searchers is phenomenal, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a great.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you like the original or the. The remake of it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The remake. The. The Banderas. The Antonio Banderas. All right, well, when the. When the case opens up.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, no, not yet.

[Robert Kelly]

He's so sexy in that movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, and then the high. The hottest whatchamacallit's ever been.

[Robert Kelly]

Salma Hayek.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Salma Hayek.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. That's other. And my third favorite Western, Dust Till Dawn.

[Robert Kelly]

That was the first. First of all. That was her smoke. That was her hottest. In that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that was a Western also.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. There's not a Western. That was a vampire thriller.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't you remember the song play? Tito and Tarantula? It's only After Dark. After Dark. Tito and Tarantula, I think, is not country music.

[Chris Voss]

It's.

[Robert Kelly]

We're on different planes when we think of westerns.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Put this song on. You're gonna want to have a fucking draw with me right now.

[Chris Voss]

Remake of True Grit. I like it better than the original. And the 3, 310 to Yuma is great.

[Robert Kelly]

310 to him is great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is the song that she danced around with the snake to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Can you. Jacob, can you Wrap yourself around Jay's necks right now so he can get in the mood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, so we can redo the scene. Would you mind being around my neck like a snake while I. I'm gonna stick my. I'm gonna stick my big toe in DJ Lou's mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, just wrap J. Please.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

And she's supposed to be afraid of snakes.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like real life.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a video of her doing a. We talked about this before. Her doing an interview and a snake, a real snake came underneath.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And she flipped out. She had a panic attack, screaming like she was being murdered.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Did somebody release the snake? Like, whenever she gets around snake, she starts taking her out.

[Robert Kelly]

This is not a west.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think, by the way. I think she was. She's extremely hot here. She's at least as hot. But to me, the hottest she ever was was Desperado.

[Robert Kelly]

I think this is it right here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm a fan of the bigger curlier hair she had in that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, look at her hips, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she's so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I can't, dude.

[Chris Voss]

Bobby is right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I'm a snakeophile. All I see is the snake.

[Robert Kelly]

I think this is her hottest right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you guys remember when the band turned into vampires? All of a sudden they were playing human body part instruments?

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did they make those from the people they just had killed and tuned it to play the exact song they were playing?

[Robert Kelly]

Why? Just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you're creative, you're crafty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You stop vampiring for a second to go like,

[Robert Kelly]

Give me the glue gun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I need some more fingers to be the things on the end that tunes it. They still sound like Mexican guys.

[Chris Voss]

Let me say this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, we're Mexican vampires, and we're also musicians. Musicians first, vampires second.

[Robert Kelly]

And blood in. And blood in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bloody and blood in. Blood's already out.

[Robert Kelly]

We want it in. Is he?

[Chris Voss]

Here's the problem with the. With the Dusk till Dawn. And it's the same with that new movie. Is it called Not Sinners the Vampire, the New Manners? Sinners, the Vamp. The whole point of the movie is when the vampires attack, it's basically over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Chris Voss]

That's what it's building up to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Chris Voss]

And Dust till Dawn. Like a thousand. 2000 vampires enter this bar and can tear apart everyone and they all get into. Into circles and allow one vampire to attack at a time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Chris Voss]

And the other vampires are like, oh, boy. When I get my turn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called honor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. There's a sense of honor.

[Robert Kelly]

A sense of honor. You piece of shit.

[Chris Voss]

Sucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They come from a different time.

[Robert Kelly]

You never saw a movie where they both had guns and one guy was like, hey, let's do this like men. And they put the gun down and they go hand to hand.

[Chris Voss]

Vampires.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have the baddies follow those rules, too. It's no jumping. It's got to be. They got to get their one.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something about this Selma Hayek in this movie being the hottest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Dare I say without sounding too gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Antonio is at his hottest in this movie. Yes. May I? Dare I say hotter. Dare I say hotter than Selma? Well, dare I say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, what you're daring to say there is much deeper than what you've said. It's a bigger problem. What you're having inside is a bigger conflict. But no, she's your hotter. She also gets naked in this.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know, but so does he, almost. And look at. Just look at his hair coming down his face, his little puffy lips. Look at her. Okay, she's fine. But look at him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Now go back to her. Oh, my God, look.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He had great hair, by the way. I don't know if you know, the guy who's getting ready to shoot him in Desperado is the lead singer of the band in Dust Till Dawn.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's only After Dark. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He is smoking. This is his greatest bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They keep showing. She's gorgeous.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm so. Oh, he got shot. He's gorgeous, too, is what I'm saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he looks good, but he's always gonna have that little bulb on his nose. I don't like.

[Robert Kelly]

And also a little bulge in his pants, which you don't like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't like that you don't like it.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know why you can't get over it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry. Oh, that made her wet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You shot a guy's face off with two guns.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man, his hair was so perfect. I would love hair like that. You had hair like that? Yeah, you did. You had that shoulder length.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's longer. A little bit longer.

[Chris Voss]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I loved it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I. I found a picture.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hated it. Yeah, well, and then I hated it one day.

[Chris Voss]

She has too much clothes on to be hotter than in Dust.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She gets naked. What?

[Chris Voss]

I don't remember.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't remember? She gets naked.

[Chris Voss]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's too old, Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

And don't forget.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can't wait, dude. I started, by the way, just so you know, start sweating. I started reading The Epstein files this weekend. I know you're in there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Voss]

But you're in there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've been there for comedy reasons.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's in there, but he's on somebody's lap.

[Chris Voss]

Wait a minute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Prince Andrew with Jacob on his lap. His hand on his inner thigh, really close to his dick.

[Robert Kelly]

Can somebody please AI that immediately?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Prince Andrew. Yes. Can someone. AI. Whoever's in the Epstein files have it that they're doing it to Jacob?

[Robert Kelly]

They all have Jacob, but put him in like a little Bo Peep outfit or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then can someone make a very dramatic documentary about poor Jacob being one of the survivors of Epstein Island?

[Chris Voss]

Can you make it so it's clearly me but have my face blacked out? You don't want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, it's been redacted.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's. Jacob's not even as old as he says. Jacob dyes his hair gray just to look older because of the Epstein files. Jacob's only 14 right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't remember her fucking naked.

[Chris Voss]

I guess I remember this, but.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're out of your mind.

[Chris Voss]

This is so stupid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's stupid? I'm taking a spur of the ass. It's a western. How else would you know? It's still a western.

[Chris Voss]

He's more naked than she is.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know why he has spurs. He doesn't ride a horse, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Correct.

[Robert Kelly]

That's stupid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's still the thing, though. What? If you have to ride a horse, it's better to have spurs and not need him and need him not have them.

[Robert Kelly]

Who said that? Was that John Wayne?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on. First of all, shout out penisoneup.com for capturing this scene perfectly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, look at his. Underneath his leg, though. Right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How's you're looking for his balls when her tit was out.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry, dude, I can't look.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't do this.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something?

[Chris Voss]

She's sticking.

[Robert Kelly]

This is supposed to be for men too, because she stuck her thumb in his mouth. This supposed to be the other way around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not for men.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, go back. That's for men, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For men who want men.

[Robert Kelly]

This is for. Yeah. To go back to where he.

[Chris Voss]

That's a really. That's a.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a guy move to a girl. Not a girl moved to a guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's really funny. There's an American dad episode where they find a. A plane crash. And it was one guy in there and he was bringing a script. It was for A Fast and Furious Part seven and it's super long and they go to read it. The kids, they all go to read it, and they realize very quickly all the scenes have tons of gay sex. And then when. And then they go, well, they take all the gay sex out and deliver to the network. And the guy goes, it's great, boys, but one problem. Oh, where's all the gay sex? He goes, this can't be real because he always has tons of gay sex. And then they slightly edit that down in the movies, but when. Sometimes they show it. When they're reading the script, it's clearly Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. And they go. And they hit ramps and they go. The cars pass over each other. And while they're in the air upside down, they French kiss as they pass each other in cars upside down. You have it. They definitely have it.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at this verse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, that's a girl.

[Robert Kelly]

This is so stupid. Her sticking her finger in his mouth and him sucking it. That is for guys.

[Chris Voss]

I forgot why. I think I remembered this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think a girl's put her finger in my mouth before, and I accepted, but I don't think I liked it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, because it tastes like whatever she had for lunch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It tastes like fake eyelashes.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at. That is the silliest ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, put your finger in my mouth. Remember that became a judgment of more artsy fartsy people, because I remember I used to just get DVDs on Tuesdays. I would just. That was like, the only thing I spent my money on for entertainment.

[Robert Kelly]

Gay sex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not gay sex DVDs. When they came out, I'd get like two or three DVDs a week. On Tuesdays when they come out, whatever it was, I would just get the movie that was out. So when Fast and Furious came out, I got Fast and Furious and it became like the. The point of, like. Like Kurt Metzger and Joe DeRosa, two guys who, like, really take their khaki pants seriously. Coming over to be like, Jay likes Fast and Furious. He wouldn't understand Woody Allen. I understand it. It sucks. It's boring, dry comedy. If I want comedy, I want to laugh hard at it. Not a whimsical fucking old Jew being whimsically old Jewish. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And if you want to see car racing, you want to be hard when you're watching.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And if I see car races, I want to fucking know that these guys are about to leave this drift and go pound fuck each other's shit pipes.

[Robert Kelly]

I never got. I know Woody Allen was supposed to. Woody Allen's one of the greatest. I get it. But it is Dry horseshit.

[Chris Voss]

Maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe his best movie I ever saw was that dumb one that was like a. Not like a thief comedy.

[Robert Kelly]

It was the bank one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, not him. Nothing he was in. He stinks when he's in them. It's the worst. Those are the worst of the worst. It was. No, it's the one he made with. Was it a Scarlett Johansson in or something? Match Point. It was like a crime. It was like a crime kind of drama or something. But whatever that was, I watched that one because he said it was different, and I thought that was all right. And then Blue Jasmine. I thought I was gonna see Dice in that.

[Chris Voss]

I like his first movies a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

What was it? What was his first three like?

[Chris Voss]

Bananas, Take the Money and Run and everything you always wanted to know about sex, but we're afraid to ask is hysterical.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not.

[Robert Kelly]

It is hysterical.

[Chris Voss]

Nothing like hysterical. It's. It's nothing like you've seen him in. Those are his earlier movies when it's more in your face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hysterical.

[Robert Kelly]

Hysterical.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, hysterical.

[Robert Kelly]

I just watched the Hangover. I was laughing.

[Chris Voss]

I watched Tropic Thunder way over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It seems like.

[Chris Voss]

It seems like movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? Tropic Thunder. I'm with.

[Chris Voss]

No, the hang. The Hangover.

[Robert Kelly]

Hilarious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hangover's fine. It's fine.

[Chris Voss]

It's not Tropic Thunder.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought Tropic Thunder was fine.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought Tropic Diet was hilarious, too.

[Chris Voss]

It is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they were both fine.

[Chris Voss]

No, I agree. Tropic Thunders.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I promise you there's no Woody Allen movie that's hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

Not as funny as those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I agree. I don't even like Tropic Thunder, but it's way funnier. Way funnier than anything Woody Allen's ever done.

[Chris Voss]

You'll never know because I know you'll never watch these movies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So show me the best scenes. Show me the funniest. What's the funniest scene in that one?

[Chris Voss]

In which one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anyone?

[Chris Voss]

I don't know, man. I haven't watched it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it when he's robbing the guy and his soap gun melts and then he has, like, a Benny Hill, like, wah, wah, wah moment.

[Robert Kelly]

Pick up. Just pick up funniest Woody Allen scenes and we'll watch them. You know what, though? Can I say something, please? We could be wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

There's been plenty of times people like, dude, you got to check this out. And I was like, fuck that. And then I rewatched. I'm like, oh, my God, that's funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? I think what something I got. What something got. You like that? Step brothers.

[Robert Kelly]

Step brothers. I was like, yeah, I watched a little bit. I'm like, I'm sick of these goofy shit. And then I watched. It was hilarious. Very funny, MacGruber. I blew that off. Somebody goes, dude, you got it, Derosa. You got to go rewatch it. And I thought it was very funny. Yeah, very funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You doing Ted? You doing Ted?

[Robert Kelly]

Like I said, I'm doing. Well, first of all, I don't like the way you make it. Like you gave me a homework. I do like Ted. I've been. I've been watching new seasons coming up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Is that what his fucking stepdaughter had to look at up when she was having sex with him?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. Looks like, hey, let me take you away from your mother and all this.

[Robert Kelly]

It looks like every Jewish comic I know in one face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that what Ian Finance looks like under his beard?

[Robert Kelly]

It looks like Ian Finance, Lenny Marcus, and Dan Nadiman in one, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Think of the set they could write for Leslie Jones.

[Robert Kelly]

Dick goes in your ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Leslie. A little less N word, please.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, here we go. Let's play the funniest clip.

[Ad Voice 2]

Funniest scene from Annie Hall.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Funniest scene from Annie Hall. The funniest.

[Chris Voss]

But I said I wouldn't put that on the list. I'm not putting that on the list.

[Ad Voice 2]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

What list do you have? Give it to Christine.

[Ad Voice 2]

Funniest scene from Give me a movie.

[Chris Voss]

Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but we're afraid to ask.

[Robert Kelly]

Isn't that your memoir? Isn't that the name of your memoir?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here we go.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Jacob's life.

[Ad Voice 2]

Woody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the sperm scene.

[Chris Voss]

So you do know it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it says the sperm scene.

[Chris Voss]

Sperm scene's great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're gonna find out.

[Robert Kelly]

We're gonna find out right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, stop playing whimsical music, please. I'm trying to see if this is funny for you. I'll give it up a bit. Bobby for sure will. Bobby's a tickly bear. If it hits him, he's going to laugh. He can't not.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't help it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's the only. He's 55 years old. He spit takes.

[Chris Voss]

First of all, the scene rules. The scene rules because it has Burt Reynolds in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's why it rules. You are my mom.

[Chris Voss]

Reynolds is awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a big fan of Burt Reynolds. I love Burt Reynolds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has Playgirl work.

[Robert Kelly]

Over the Edge was a funny movie. The Cannonball runs. I loved him. I love Burt Reynolds. So this is a plus for Jacob. I am a fan of Burt Reynolds.

[Chris Voss]

Well, let me set up the scene then, please. This is what happens when a guy's about to bang a girl. So inside there, it's Mission Control. His brain is mission control.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's talking to, like, heavy parody.

[Chris Voss]

This movie, it's complete parody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, all right. I didn't know that. Some of them are just, like, straight stories.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[Chris Voss]

No, no, this is. This is. This movie is actually four different movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A bunch of scenes. It's like History of the World.

[Chris Voss]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Chris Voss]

Let's watch it. This one might be my favorite out of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if much Mel Brooks holds up as hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, come on. The Producers. Great movie.

[Ad Voice 2]

I like the Producer. I like the Play with.

[Robert Kelly]

With. With Gene Wilder and the Producer and Zero Mostel. One of the funniest openings of one of his movies ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not funnier than Young Frankenstein.

[Robert Kelly]

Young Frankenstein's hilarious, but the Producers is

[Big Jay Oakerson]

hilarious, But I'd say if I went back and watched Young Frankenstein now, there's five good laughs and the Producers.

[Robert Kelly]

You'll laugh.

[Chris Voss]

You're. You'll laugh more. I just rewatched it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Blazing Saddles still has 15 good laughs in it. But a lot of it. A lot of it is aged. Not like that. It's inappropriate. Even just kind of like.

[Robert Kelly]

No, a lot of it's inappropriate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was. Sure. But I'm saying they don't. I don't hear them and go, oh, that's inappropriate. So it doesn't. Doesn't hold up. I'm saying it doesn't hold up because it's just like.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I hear you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's kind of simple.

[Robert Kelly]

I think Mel Brooks had some funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. I love. When I was a kid, I loved him.

[Robert Kelly]

What was the one? The. The. The. The. What was his other big.

[Chris Voss]

History of the World.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that one was all right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like History of the World, people.

[Ad Voice 2]

Isn't. Spaceballs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's where I started being like, this isn't. This isn't the Mel Brooks movies that I like. My. My grandfather showed me, like, those, like, High Anxiety, all that kind of stuff. So I knew that and Blazing Saddles. So I did like Robin Hood, Men in Tights. I was just the right age for it when it came out. But Spaceballs. In other words, over. But I skipped a lot of. This is going to make people angry when they hear this sometimes. I've skipped a lot of comedy. I loved Stand up but comedy movies I like, especially the family ones. I couldn't have given a shit. I wanted to find, like, the rated R comedy. Like what? The ones I never gave a fuck about Mr.

[Chris Voss]

Mom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've saw Mr. Mom. I've never seen Uncle Buck. I've never seen what About Bob? I've never seen a Summer. Not Summer Rental. What's the. A couple of the school. I saw Summer John Can. Some of the. John.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't think John Can. He was. I mean, he's. I know he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just checked anything that he was the main guy of. I just didn't watch. I just didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

He was a good side guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Plane, Trains, Automobiles. He's fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

Fantastic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Splash. He's fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have to raise your hand

[Ad Voice 2]

because you guys were. I think he was like. I think those movies, like, you don't like Mrs. Doubtfire and stuff, and I think I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I never saw Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Robert Kelly]

You were like younger Robin Williams movies. I liked his drama. Drama was better for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not even better. Yeah, dramas were fantastic. His comedies almost exclusively blow.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And we tried to do, like, the. In between, like a Good Morning Vietnam.

[Chris Voss]

I can't watch that movie. Moscow. And the Hudson's great.

[Robert Kelly]

What About Bob was funny. And they hated each other in real life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bill Murray and Richard.

[Robert Kelly]

Drive. Richard Drivers hated Bill Murray.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's another, like, 80s comedy? I just never like Spaceballs. I never did Front to Back. I saw. I've seen it, definitely all of it in parts, but I just never gave

[Robert Kelly]

it well, because I think that we were into comedy at that time, like, where we were in, like, Stand up and Stand up is a different edge.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was dirtier. So I needed, like. The comedies that I liked were. I'm trying to think of, like, Revenge of the Nerds I fucking love. That's a rated R comedy. Do you know? I mean, I got that.

[Robert Kelly]

Then the old school I thought was funny, and then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Old school's great. I was a little older for that one, but I'm saying, like, those, like. But Revenge of the Nerds is a great. Like, what would I even try to watch? Like, I mean, not Meatballs, but any of those. The comedies that would have, like, tits and shit in them, too, by nature. Porky. I love fucking Porky. Porky.

[Robert Kelly]

How about Bachelor Party?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yep. Love.

[Robert Kelly]

Bachelor Party's great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Way Too Young. I like those because I was. When everybody else was like, I like Uncle Buck. I was like, I've already heard, like, Buddy Hackett. Do Come like, the stuff my grandfather had, like, Buddy Hackett was so dirty. I remember that. Me realizing that I understood the joke Buddy Hackett had about, what, you fucking a girl? He was doing some British accent, and it was like. It was like he was fucking. And it kept. Like, her feet kept bending or her legs kept bending back when he was fucking. And it was like, what happened? And he goes, you seem to have left me pantyhose on or. So he's like, fucking her through the pantyhose and it's making the legs bunch up. But I remember being an agency going

[Robert Kelly]

like, ooh, I get it. I get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's wearing panties somewhere. I put it together. I don't know if I saw my mom's, like, pantyhose container or something, the egg or whatever it was.

[Robert Kelly]

Remember Buddy Hackett was in a TV show with Jay Moore. Remember that show?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know they're good friends. So I. From that.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay Moore had a TV show that was really funny, and Buddy Hackett was in it for a minute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Camp something.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was. I forget what it was. It was a sitcom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Jonathan Winters, I think, worked with him, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he was in I'm. I went to a wedding. I forget who I think was Barry Katz's wedding. And Buddy. It was all of us. All of us was there. Jay Moore, Jeff Ross Swartzen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Barry Katz married the industry.

[Robert Kelly]

He was. He was. He was married to everybody. We all went to the wedding and Buddy Hackett was there. And they had the number one Beatles band, whatever they call those things. What was that? Tribute number one. Like, you can't get these people right. Got the. They came out. They were great. Then Buddy came out to give a speech. And he's just sitting there up meanwhile on the beach while they're giving the Jewish, you know, Malaylor si mekhale. He's going, waba dabas yaba we be scabba yaba makalaka waka waka hata hai. Ruining Barry Cat's wedding. It was so funny. And then he's in the thing, he's giving a speech, and he kept going. There's a hum. You hear the hum? Where's the hum? The microphone. There's a hummer. I've been doing this for 50 years. There's a hum. No, anyways, Barry, do you hear the hum? There's a hum. And he kept doing it. And everybody's like, what's going on? He's like. All of a sudden, he took his champagne, he threw it on the keyboard, and the keyboard went and smoke just went up. He goes, that's better. You see the Beetle dude run up with a stupid wig? That's a ten thousand dollar keyboard. You're paying that right now. And Barry's like, I'll take care of it. He's like, no, right the fuck now you're paying for that. But he was a maniac.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh joy.

[Robert Kelly]

Another day, another buzz delayed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look on the bright side, you can finally catch up on podcasts.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't mind running late. What's your deal? What's my deal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saved at Metro with no activation Fees. I got one line of 5G for just $25 a month. Kept the phone I love and a 5 year price guarantee for my talk, text and data.

[Robert Kelly]

Only $25. I'm going to Metro. When we hop off, get that mod

[Big Jay Oakerson]

for your money feeling only a Metro by T Mobile.

[Ad Voice]

Just bring your number. $30 first month and $25 after with autopay price guarantee. Exceptions apply. See site for details.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Trying to think of other comedies that Airplane.

[Chris Voss]

Airplane.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Airplane. Airplane. Enormous. To me, that was enormous.

[Robert Kelly]

It was. All right, here's the thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta rewatch Science. I love Caddyshack. I watched it. I didn't Like I never fell in love with it.

[Robert Kelly]

Stripes was good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, Stripes never cared about stripes.

[Robert Kelly]

Easy money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't care about.

[Robert Kelly]

I like stripe because it was sex. They were those mps Blues brothers particularly didn't like. Really.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Spies like us. I did like a lot

[Robert Kelly]

Spies like Us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dan Aykroyd and Chevy. Chevy Chase. Yeah. I don't like. You know, it's funny. I like everything in it up to like a certain point. It. Once it gets to where there's snowy in that movie, I always remember being like. I kind of stopped watching it, but everything going through this flight school to getting in there.

[Robert Kelly]

What about modern problems with Chevy Chase?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love that scene with the.

[Robert Kelly]

With the nuclear fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I love. I love the scene where he, you know.

[Ad Voice 2]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What about. And now if you say no to this three amigos.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

If you say no. If you don't like this, then I can't. We can't go any further. Smokey and the Bandit. I don't remember it enough To Smoking the band. It's one of the greatest comic performances of all time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are they? What's that rated? 48 hours. Didn't love. Love Beverly Hills Cop.

[Robert Kelly]

Smoking the band is one of the fun has. I mean, so many lines in that movie. Movie. Daddy, my hat fell off. I hope your goddamn head was in it. It's one of the best. I love that movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're so hot for Sally Field. Jacob's so hot for Burt Reynolds putting his dick on the left side of his jeans.

[Ad Voice 2]

Pg.

[Robert Kelly]

That movie was funny, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pg.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. How about this? My favorite movie of all time. One of my favorite comedies. Fatso.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

One of the greatest. If you're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saw When I was too young to appreciate re.

[Robert Kelly]

Watch it. Especially now that you're not. You're a recovering fato.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh, Ghostbusters. Great. Police Academy. Great dude. Actually Police Academy almost up till 4. I loved all of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Fatso, he's in line at the bakery crying to get the cake for Anthony. And you see him and it's just subtle little things. He's in line and then you see him waiting. And then you. It's just over time. And then it cuts back and you see one of the little. Little frosting things that was on the cake is gone. He just swiped it. I was waiting in line. You got to be a fat though, to fucking love this movie. But there's a lot of those. Mom, she's yelling at him because he ate half of the kid's cake and she's Punching it. All of a sudden she goes, he ate the oni. He ate the oni off the Anthony. He starts punching it. She starts yelling, punching at him. And she's screaming, you. You gotta do something. And then he goes, what are you gonna do with that cake? She punches the cake and smashes it. I love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, look up. Just go look up 80s, 80s, 90s Ghostbusters. Look up 80s, 90s PG to PG 13 comedies. You know, like, I'll tell you the ones that I checked out on for sure. That are big ones. I know. I'm remembering. I know. When they come up, I always go, I never saw that. I never saw it. Nine to five, don't give a. I saw it. I liked it. I get it. All right? I never considered those movies. Comedies. Comedies were all in for me.

[Robert Kelly]

95 is 100 comedy now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, but it's like. There's a lot of just, like, just chicks. It's just chick. Right? About that.

[Chris Voss]

Daphne Coleman's great in that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not parrot. Just go down to the. Yeah, that's good.

[Ad Voice 2]

I'm trying to get the PG right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a list on Reddit. Reddit's good for not just looking at chicks with dicks with huge penises.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's best for that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is the best for that. Oh, here we go. Princess Bride. Never gave a really. Saw it. Saw it a couple times. It was fine. It was fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, stop it. I mean it. Anybody want a peanut? You don't love the line?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I love that. I love that movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cool Runnings. No way I would give a about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that the Jamaican with John Candy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Chris Voss]

Boo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

More John Candy.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a true story, too. Which makes it suck at more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone said damn near perfect list with that. Keep going. Ghostbusters. Bill and Ted likes Bill and Ted.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not a fan.

[Chris Voss]

What, more than Ghostbusters? What, you like Bill and Ted?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I already said that, but I said Ghostbusters earlier. Oh, I think Ghostbusters. Hilarious. I still think. Yeah, I think there's still killer lines from that movie. Keep going. Roll and scroll. Hit it and quit. All right there, Teen Wolf. I did like I was very young for that. Ferris Bueller's Day off. I like.

[Robert Kelly]

Great movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here we go. Uncle Buck don't give a shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sixteen Candles never gave a fuck. In fact, John Hughes only spoke to me in one movie called the Breakfast Club. Oh, I guess. And Ferris Bueller's John Hughes, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Besides that, I don't have a Whole wardrobe from him. Yeah. St. Elmo's Fire couldn't give a shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Did it not speak to you? It fucking spoke to you more than anybody I have ever met.

[Chris Voss]

Well, he did Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, did he? That was John Hughes. Yeah, I do like that. What else he did Saint Almost Fire didn't give a shit. He did a couple other. Like. At some point I have to watch Rob Lowe and Demi Moore fall in love in the cold.

[Robert Kelly]

Never in the cold Chicago air. Never fan of Rob Lowe except for the Outsiders. A soda pop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the only role I liked him in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I liked him as the bad guy in Wayne's World. He was so good in that.

[Chris Voss]

He has one of the funniest. He steals a movie and. Thank you for smoking.

[Robert Kelly]

Tell you what. Okay, here you go. Ready? Matt Dillon, who I love as a romantic bad boy lead in over the Edge. And I think the other one was. The other one with the chicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wild things.

[Robert Kelly]

No headed chicks. It was. No, it was a younger version of Matt when he was. They were at camp.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Drugstore Cowboy.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they were at camp.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something about Mary.

[Robert Kelly]

No, there was my bodyguard, Christy McNichol.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa, the house that Jack built.

[Robert Kelly]

No, Christy McNichol. And he was the sexy dude. He wanted to fucking ever. The two chicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Outsiders.

[Robert Kelly]

What's it called? There it is. Right, Little darlings.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was great in that Drugstore Cowboy.

[Robert Kelly]

Funny, hilarious in what about Mary?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was good somebody funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Funniest he's ever been in that movie. What about Dumb and Dumber?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I liked it when it first came out.

[Robert Kelly]

But rewatch it not as I wouldn't

[Big Jay Oakerson]

care to rewatch it again because it's things like I'm not. You're not going to get me anymore with a scene, a four minute scene of a guy taking a diarrhea. Shit. Like I've just. They've done it 700 different ways that joke. And now with the Internet happens in real life. I saw a video today of a woman getting arrested after she in road rage. She got out and just blasted a diarrhea all over a lady's car. She's running a moomoo and she's been over. She goes oh yeah. And blast diarrhea all over the car. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because now we can actually see it for realsies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

As opposed to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Did you see. I sent something to the group today that I thought people would laugh at that. The inappropriateness of. And she must be on. On Instagram. Her name's like Taylor to T o O. And I guess she's a Taylor Swift impersonator. Did you see the video I sent to the group?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did send it, didn't I?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You didn't really?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I guess not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? But I thought I did.

[Robert Kelly]

This list stinks, by the way. They have Doc Hollywood. Which movie sucked?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll go find her on Instagram. Quiz. It's like Taylor to these.

[Robert Kelly]

These aren't the funniest movies. These are just great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're just movies.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they're just movies.

[Ad Voice 2]

Does my girl mean nothing to any of you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I liked it.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that. Is that what's her name who married Don Johnson?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Who was my girl? What is my girl my girl?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, maybe is Melanie Griffith in that movie? Yes, she is.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Jamie Curtis. Anna Chlumsky. You're thinking of Working girl.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that the little girl? And what happens to her?

[Ad Voice 2]

Which guy dies from bee stink? It's like so traumatic. It like, means everything to our generation.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's like.

[Ad Voice 2]

It's like the most emotional movie.

[Robert Kelly]

That's all right. I'm not into kids getting hurt in movies. It bums me out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm an Angus guy. We all know that. I stand by living. I live and die by Angus.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'm. I'm an outsider's kid. That. That really touches me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you didn't see yourself as a fat boy with a bowl haircut? Not getting girls and people to like him?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I saw myself as a greaser with a pack of marbles in my rolled up sleeve.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We had different things. Is this her? Is it? Yeah, she's. She. Yeah, it is she. I guess she's out of New York City. Go down to her thing. There's a video of her performing. It's like at a kid's birthday party. And she's just wearing. It's like she's wearing the outfit of Taylor Swift where she's got like one leg completely out and it's like a bodysuit, but one leg's completely out and she's doing like, body rolls into the song. She's like, look. Look what you made me do. Look what you made me do. Look. What? And these little kids are like, like standing in a circle. It's like getting a Dory the Explorer. I'm gonna hire a black cheerlead squad for my kid's birthday party next year.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something? You be honest with me. I've always had the desire to have a pair of pants with one leg missing. Just one leg out. And one leg in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why are you not taking advantage of that you're a performer?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. But has anybody else have that desire? Honestly, Jacob?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does she have stories?

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, it's just me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Yes. That's just you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's how you find out where you're at in life. You gotta ask around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're looking deep for it. I don't think it's gonna be on this thing. It's. I saw today.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought there'd be more people. I thought somebody would jump on it. I thought the guy in the pink mittens would maybe jump in with me on that. But apparently not. I took it too far. Oh, my God. Is that. Is that you feel better, Bob? What? And a pepper. Goddamn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hurry, Guru Link tree.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm trying to find it. Is it kidnapping? Kidnappings? Doo doo. To. What did do to doing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go to YouTube. I bet YouTube is where I would see something.

[Robert Kelly]

Took over the state line. Not the man act?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Chris Voss]

Kill.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Funny law. Driving through people backyard.

[Robert Kelly]

That the man act? Kidnapping.

[Ad Voice 2]

Oh, here, look. There's a thing that says snake outfit.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe it's in here. Christine stepped on it. Sorry. What a young person. Anyway. Is this snake outfit?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Skip ahead. Maybe it's got her dancing for the kids in this one.

[Robert Kelly]

See? I would love that outfit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. You look great in it, I think. Turn the volume up on this. This isn't the one, though. This is little kids too, though, for sure.

[Chris Voss]

They're all kids.

[Ad Voice 2]

Like a Disney princess.

[Robert Kelly]

Quick question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But why are you wearing the slutty outfit?

[Robert Kelly]

Quick question, Jay. Do you buy the whole outfit and cut the leg off or can you buy it like that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would cut the leg off personally. See if you can get to one where she's got the little kids in front. She's like, just on a floor of like a well lit.

[Ad Voice 2]

Yeah, she's wearing. She's like. These are all actual tour costumes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ad Voice 2]

She must just be like. She must be doing the ERAS tour.

[Robert Kelly]

She have a bulge or am I crazy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that would be great. Keep going.

[Chris Voss]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know people. Keep going. See what she's singing there? Okay. Oh, there it is. Look what you made me do. She's doing like hump dancing on the ground for little kids. Isn't this song about. Is this song about.

[Ad Voice 2]

No, I think it's about, like, her becoming a pop star after everybody gave her. And she just came out and like made a pop song that topped the church.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not about her swallowing the whole load.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm pretty sure it's better taking the

[Robert Kelly]

entire look what you made me do. You sure?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look what you made me do. Sure. You sure? Or her choice was to be rude and spit it out or swallow it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's not her. A big black eye. Look what you made me do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I'm saying like, that's up to let kids see that. Wait, is this it?

[Robert Kelly]

I think Voss played this game this weekend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, what a shitty gig. Ghost. Hey, could you go be not Taylor Swift for a bunch of confused people? Keep going. See if it's the next one.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, do you have to tell the kids that it's fake or do you just let them believe it's real?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this what a shitty fucking gig. Bobby, we've. The fucking gig you did in the fucking moving truck that you made soda do is way better than what's happening. Yeah, the U Haul shows a fantastic show. It's way better than this. Oh, oh, look at Christine things rewarding because a fucking retarded girl hugged her weird open leg.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm actually bringing that show back. Are you free next Wednesday?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. I'm going to drive to your house. By the way,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

look, this little girl won't let go of her fucking naked leg. Yeah, this is grooming. This is what grooming is. Oh, look at her. She's loving it. She's making her smell her privates.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she won't let go of her. She shook her off her leg.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She's like, hey, stop hugging me, you weirdo. And they're like, please stop twisting my daughter. She has spina bifida.

[Robert Kelly]

It's sexy. She doesn't make enough money. You can tell because she only has that one outfit with the one leg.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no, she's got a bunch of.

[Ad Voice 2]

This is just her. This outfit section that's just.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's the same.

[Ad Voice 2]

She has a 1989 two piece.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look how awkward this is. What she starts doing. Body roll. Sexy body rolls.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, is that at Broadway Comedy Club?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe. I don't know. It seems a little sultry for these little kids.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they're all just standing there in

[Big Jay Oakerson]

shock hoping they can see your nipple through the fucking shear.

[Chris Voss]

This is disgusting.

[Robert Kelly]

It's all girls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look what you made me do. You made my pussy wet. You got me soaking wet. You made my titty balls bounce like that. You make my nippies hard. You suck my pussy tips.

[Robert Kelly]

That's so weird that she has to be somebody else. Thank you, kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This next song is about my pussy lips also. Ooh, John May is sucking on my Pussy lips. Sucking on my pussy. You sing it, little girl.

[Robert Kelly]

Sucking on my pussy lips.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right. Thank you.

[Chris Voss]

Can she make a good living at this, though? She probably does. Well.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you're crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Chris Voss]

I bet.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet she makes a lot of money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at her followers. Let's make her. Let's blow her up.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's see. Well, let's order.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's see how much it costs to come in here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Followers.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I was gonna start becoming Taylor Swift. Hey, guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look what you made me do.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys, I'll be in Buffalo this weekend at a bar mitzvah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look what you made me.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you gonna fill out a form?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Please verify you're not a guy. Just hire her to come to his house. Oh, hey, you said you do Taylor Swift, so do it.

[Ad Voice 2]

So it's a whole. She's like, part of a service that offers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want drag performance. I don't want that. That's for Bobby's birthday.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, relax.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want. I want what made me do in the States.

[Robert Kelly]

Can't it just be for Wild Out Wednesday? This Wednesday?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, we do Wild Out Wednesday. When do we get this guy dressed like Cher for Christine? Let's do it when we give her bad news.

[Robert Kelly]

That's actually. That's actually your Cher.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Let's go, Christine. We go, Christine. I don't know how to tell you this. Cher, would you mind? She goes, you're fired, baby. I found someone else for your job. I found someone else for your job.

[Robert Kelly]

Crazy. I'll talk like I got no tongue, because I don't. Sonny took it out a long time

[Big Jay Oakerson]

ago, making my mouth look far.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I had a transsexual woman still my tongue in the middle of the night. Chatgpt how much?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She is sicky icky.

[Robert Kelly]

Do I bet she's. I bet she's five grand a show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet we can get her up here today for $400.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For the live show.

[Robert Kelly]

No way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

100%.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's in New York City.

[Robert Kelly]

If that's the case, I'll pay it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

$500.

[Robert Kelly]

$500. I'll pay it. If you get her in here Today,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll throw 500 on top of it to get a 2 Alfred concert. A costume change for the second hour of the live show.

[Robert Kelly]

But we have to have the one leg. No, no. Pant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, and it'll be funny if we do it. We could always. When people listen on Thursday to this show, they'll be like, oh, because we'll never explain why just in studio. There's just. We probably get Paco in here and just film that. There's happens to be a girl doing background Taylor Swift the entire show.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we just get Paco to do it? We can get him the outfit and have cheaper.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He would do it for free.

[Robert Kelly]

He would do it for logats. Yeah, we could get him dumplings maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is this? 4 to $500 that high end impersonators. Let's assume that's not what we're dealing with here.

[Chris Voss]

Well, she's probably high end.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it's Taylor Swift most. Most sought after performer for girls right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If she asks for $10,000, I'm gonna send people after.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's not like you're getting Taylor Swift the real one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can get the actual Bowser from Shanan off for five shows for less than this.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love to do that Bowser from Sean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're the only two people clapping. Bow, bow, bow, bow.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he has no more bicep because he pulled the muscle and they had to take it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It rolled up on me. Stage four.

[Robert Kelly]

Stage 4.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stage 4 cancer.

[Robert Kelly]

Average impersonator rate, 4 to 500 bucks for local tribute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can we call. Let's call the service and try a couple different approaches. Okay. I'll do one where I'll be like, yeah, I want that Taylor Swift girl to come to my house for a little party thing. I'm gonna go today. Is this a full service impersonation?

[Robert Kelly]

Does she do around the World?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's watch this Woody Allen scene. I need. I could use a laugh.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna crack up right now.

[Chris Voss]

My favorite one that he's doing is when he's. He does it completely in Italian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna hang this movie in a locker by its underwear.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to take his lunch money,

[Chris Voss]

but it's gonna be in Italian. So you're not going to.

[Ad Voice 2]

What, the audience realizing it's not funny?

[Chris Voss]

No, it's very funny.

[Ad Voice 2]

Cuz you're trying to tell us what the funniest part is. You're like, yeah, maybe it's not that funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Woody Allen in Italian seems hilarious.

[Chris Voss]

It is.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Chris Voss]

Very funny.

[Robert Kelly]

I got to read it, right?

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Yeah, that's fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Reading rock. Mickey's death in Rocky 3 was funnier than that scene. And that killed me as a Philadelphian.

[Chris Voss]

All right, take it on the whole.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, well, here. This part I like. What is this?

[Ad Voice 2]

Is this where you're talking about? I don't know. This movie at all. So you got to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's mission control.

[Robert Kelly]

Go up.

[Ad Voice 2]

Yeah, this looked like a mission control.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, go back a little bit.

[Chris Voss]

Burt Reynolds is the best line in this. But don't forget, Woody wrote all of this.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, well, yeah, so he's a good writer from here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Ad Voice 2]

Oh, it's your favorite part. Let's back it up.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, that was fun.

[Chris Voss]

What is this?

[Robert Kelly]

That was funny.

[Ad Voice 2]

Oh, you know what? Maybe this is in Spanish and it's not the Italian part.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I thought.

[Ad Voice 2]

I thought that was Italian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, at least she went through that herself.

[Chris Voss]

It's not even Woody's fault there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, we knew. I. We all knew that was the Spanish subtitles. And Christine. I mean, Spanish overdubbing.

[Robert Kelly]

Easy on the dingbat.

[Ad Voice 2]

Hey, I was probably just as funny as the Italian would.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her girl brain only works so quick. Oh, she said to do a lot of thinking today.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, it's Jacob. Let's just give him one more shot. Do you want to back out of this? We're going to give you right now. Listen to me.

[Chris Voss]

You're going to hate it in the room.

[Robert Kelly]

We're going to give you one time right now to back out of your statement that he is the funniest.

[Chris Voss]

You'd have to watch. I never said that. I said these movies are hysterical.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay? So I'm going to give you a chance right now to go. You know what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're not that hysterical.

[Robert Kelly]

They're not that.

[Chris Voss]

But I'm listening to Jay's the movies he likes more than than other movies, and I'm like, oh, okay, now I get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like what?

[Chris Voss]

You already listed a bunch that you think are funnier than, like, Police Academy over some. Now I can't remember. So I was kind of shocked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Academy over bananas.

[Chris Voss]

You don't like blue Blues Brothers.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. He likes Police Academy because there's a guy who does voices in there. It reminds him of the old days.

[Chris Voss]

Would you watch, you think Police Academy funnier than the Blues Brothers?

[Robert Kelly]

I would. I'm going to be honest. I'd have to watch Police Academy again. I've only seen it twice. Maybe, but when it came out. So I don't remember Police Academy, so I have to watch for the nuances of it again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Police Academy for Citizens on Patrol is funnier than any Woody Allen movie, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

You know, they have to add the second part of the title.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Howard Hessman's finest work as Captain Lassard's brother.

[Chris Voss]

He likes a lot more these comedies

[Robert Kelly]

that I don't think Blues Brothers wasn't funny more than it was a good movie. It wasn't his brothers. It was funny, but it was singing and it was like more of a movie, an entertaining movie than it was hilarious, stupid singing. I think Animal House was funnier than the Blues Brothers.

[Chris Voss]

I don't think he likes Animal House.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like Animal House.

[Chris Voss]

See, this is why I'm saying we're not gonna. I'm not going to win him over.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. It's different generations.

[Chris Voss]

I think you'd like this movie more than he would.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys.

[Chris Voss]

I'm not going to sell his older gentleman. Yeah, you distinguish well, he likes me

[Robert Kelly]

around his old coot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you guys are a couple of short guys. Do band workouts together and watch film.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry I missed it this week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys enjoy. You guys enjoy cinema together. I appreciate that.

[Chris Voss]

You're an older Reynolds. I think you'll like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a couple of Burt Reynolds. Did you guys do Burt Reynolds Fridays when you're home together?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you do have an advantage too. You get high. Yeah, and when I used to get high, I used to watch Bugs Bunny and crack up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I used to be like, remember I showed you guys a gay American dad scene from Fast and Furious? And now we're watching Woody Allen. That's not weed smoking logic.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, getting high is a. Is so much better to watch stuff when you're wasted. I used to watch Popeye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I've never watched. I've never watched his cartoons. I've never been that pot. I was in the pothead young, so I've never been the pothead. Watching like sun Saturday morning cartoons, kind of laughing at that. I like, because by the time I was smoking weed, there was cartoons that were like four adults that were like, here I had.

[Robert Kelly]

When I was getting high, it was just regular. I think there was six channels.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Popeye was still an actual sailor man. Yeah, it was those old cartoons.

[Robert Kelly]

I was 12, 13 ways.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't even find the cartoons you watch because there was. Because there was black savages in them. They had to take it out because is the old drawings from Warner Brothers.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember I got so high one day, I was walking down the street and I. My friend was going to beat me up because I kept going. Yeah, I was seeing Popeye and olive oil, like cartoons on my feet as I was walking. And then I start. I started being biplane. I was going. And he was like, dude, knock it the off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was like.

[Robert Kelly]

I was stoned.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What kind of weed was that?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I smoked a lot of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've never seen. Yeah, there must been something in there. You saw things on your feet.

[Ad Voice 2]

Is that what happens when you do drugs as a child?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've never seen anything that wasn't there from weed ever.

[Robert Kelly]

I used to get so basted, dude. So basted. We used to smoke bags of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is based a term for that

[Robert Kelly]

that when I was a kid, we just call it getting basted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think you're gonna. I thought you were gonna say baked or wasted.

[Robert Kelly]

We used baked. We used basted because we used to just get like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob remembers getting basted, honey. Remember he just backed you up.

[Robert Kelly]

He went, yeah, we just keep smoking and smoking until we were just like this. I remember just sitting there being like, what's up, man?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I went to a pizza store one time and just laughed. They kicked us out because we couldn't stop laughing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could tell Bobby's only smoked weed for a little bit of time, though, because he's tell all he has is the first weed stories. One time we just laughed. We watched cartoons and laughed.

[Robert Kelly]

I think when I smoked weed for four years of my life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you're very young.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I'm saying you only have those things you were like. And then we had so much chocolate.

[Ad Voice 2]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, those stories are so far gone where it's like the pizza place.

[Robert Kelly]

I get kicked out for laughing. I did rob it like a month later.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that'll show them. Don't laugh at a high, kid. He will come back and fucking end your. I'll shut your shop right the fuck down.

[Robert Kelly]

I wish I wasn't an addict. I would love to just see the progression of weed where it is now. Just one little tug and see what happens to your brain. What the is wrong with you? I. You know, my grandfather's. The last couple years of his life, his. He kept asking me, I want to try marijuana. He's. I was like, what? He's like, I want to try marijuana. I never tried it. I want to try it. He goes, I'm. I'm gonna die soon. I want marijuana. And nobody would give it to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you?

[Robert Kelly]

I can't. I was sober. Where am I gonna go?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So what?

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't know at the time. I didn't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who cares if you're sober?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I just never. I do regret not doing it. I should have.

[Chris Voss]

You're dying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dying wish heroin. He didn't ask you to suck his dick.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he asked me to do that too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to smoke A joint while you suck me off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, then you should have. Then you should have done heroin.

[Ad Voice 2]

Halfway.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll meet you halfway. Down you papa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A little bit of Hebron.

[Robert Kelly]

It was rude that I didn't suck his dick. It's rude that you didn't get him by. Okay, we're on the same page. Yeah, maybe. Maybe when I'm older and. Oh, that's Mr. Quinn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Colin. It's funny, you know his schedule. Guess he doesn't know yours.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe. Maybe when I'm. No, he knows. No, he knows your skill, buddy. He knows everything I do when I do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So he knows you're on the air right now?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. He's probably calling to say something. Yes, but he knows my schedule. He knows all my dates. You can call Colin right now. He'd be like, he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, how's this seems to freak you out?

[Robert Kelly]

When it's fucking weird that one of the best comics in the world stalks my schedule. That's weird. It's fucking nuts. Just to fuck for years. Just to work with you, just to with me. Only reason.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bring up your plugs and call him right now. See, if he says the dates quick. Would he do it quick?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, let me call him right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're calling you on the bonfire. What are my next three dates?

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, I gotta turn my phone back on. So I'm saying is this. We do this when I'm, like. When Max is out and he's doing good and everything's righteous, everything's good in my life. Right. And I got a couple years left to live. You know, I'm kind of old. I'll. We smoke some weed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Oh, I'm gonna be dead before that.

[Robert Kelly]

How are you gonna die?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. Something. Plane crash, car crash?

[Robert Kelly]

Stop smoking cigarettes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Cigarettes. Yes.

[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You're so 19. Fucking 85.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Plane crash.

[Chris Voss]

I like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You smoke still cigarettes?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I gotta get you into cigars. Hello?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to say that you're live on the bonfire. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not impressed.

[Colin Quinn]

It's exciting.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's impressed. He loves is exciting.

[Colin Quinn]

What could this lead to?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, right now. Where am I? The next three dates.

[Colin Quinn]

The next three?

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, you just got. You just got back from Columbus, Ohio.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know. Okay.

[Colin Quinn]

And then you're going to. You got to go to Illinois.

[Robert Kelly]

I know that. Jesus Christ. All right, okay. All right, listen.

[Chris Voss]

The name of.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. All right.

[Colin Quinn]

And.

[Robert Kelly]

And I can't remember the other ones.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's close to the drivable gig.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a Drivable gig, if you remember that. Yeah, it's like a two hour

[Colin Quinn]

shoot. I. I'm not sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you're off your game.

[Colin Quinn]

No, I just keep. I keep updated to the. To the locals, you know, next few weeks.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I ask just one quick question? You can answer it very. Hon.

[Colin Quinn]

Tell me where that gig is. I need to know.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Mohegan Sun.

[Colin Quinn]

Damn it. All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I ask just really one quick question? Why do you do this?

[Colin Quinn]

Well, why? You're asking your president. Reagan. Why he does it.

[Robert Kelly]

Reagan. Nobody knows.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who's that? Smoking pot?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Are you high?

[Colin Quinn]

Why do I do it?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you trying to get this job?

[Colin Quinn]

I just started doing it. Like, I don't. Like 14, 15 years.

[Robert Kelly]

I understand when you did it. It's been a long time. Why? Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you could do three more impressions into original characters, I will hire him on the show.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah,

[Colin Quinn]

I can do all the hot characters that kids like. Reagan.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, go ahead.

[Colin Quinn]

I can do the Beatles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The kids, the kids do love Reagan.

[Robert Kelly]

You could do the Beatles. Okay, go ahead. 1.

[Colin Quinn]

Love the Beatles.

[Robert Kelly]

1 more.

[Colin Quinn]

The Beatles, kids. Enjoy the Beatles.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, that's it. One more.

[Colin Quinn]

Well, how about Robert Duvall?

[Robert Kelly]

No,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The funniest part is to me is that Collins doing this on the other end of that phone. All the stuff he's doing is happening in a room where there might be a person.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, there's nobody. He's by himself. Trust me, there's some type of snack waiting for him somewhere. All right, well, you have.

[Chris Voss]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have a reason why you do this. You just do it, you mean?

[Colin Quinn]

I don't know. I'm sure there's a reason. It's good to, you know, it's good to connect in some way. You know, it's all way of connecting without really even speaking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He knows where you're at. It makes him feel safe.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if it. But it. No, you know, it bothers me and freaks me out.

[Colin Quinn]

You know what should bother you is that sometimes I'd say about 30% of the time, after a little while later, I start thinking about. And I checked the weather in that location.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope Bobby brought a coat.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, so that, that explains that it's. It's not about pissing me off. It's that you're crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You're nuts.

[Colin Quinn]

It said I'm checking the weather and

[Robert Kelly]

see what's going on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's all.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, well, let me know what's happened in unscoville. In a couple weeks.

[Colin Quinn]

And don't forget, we used to always check in on the weekends. Remember in the old days? We would check in, we'd have a conversation, and it would always start and end the same way. We start with you going, hey, I'm here with the middle, and he's a great guy. And I'd be on the phone going, oh, God. And then you'd be like, yeah, the middle. And he'd be like, hey, how you doing? He'd say, this is Colin Quinn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey.

[Colin Quinn]

And then by Saturday night, I call, you go, hey, where's the million? Like, oh, he got a little too familiar. I had to put him in his place. We had a little debate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you're saying Bobby sets him up by making them familiar and then shuts them down?

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah, Bobby lets him in his life. The kid gets a little cocky. Bobby lays into him and then calls me up and tells me. I mean, that must have happened ten times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Bobby. But Bobby was one of the. Him and Keith were two good pied pipers of young comedians, and then they let him get too involved.

[Chris Voss]

That's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think they. I think. I think Bobby right now currently has an autistic kid that watches his son too much.

[Robert Kelly]

Two. I have two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Two autistic guys that I think. When I think he has. I think he has him sleep over and they watch Max sleep.

[Robert Kelly]

Max actually said to me the last time Danny and Joe were at the gig, he goes, can you not leave me with those beta males, Please do not have them watch over me. He goes, I'd rather have Voss watch over me than them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't want to be babysat by people he could take.

[Robert Kelly]

He said he doesn't want to be babysat by people he can take physically. Yeah. All right.

[Colin Quinn]

I'm glad that boss is still the lowest standard for everybody. I'd rather have boss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

By the way, who had. Who had Voss before Robert Duvall in their deadpool? I did.

[Robert Kelly]

Voss is going to outlive us all.

[Colin Quinn]

Yes, he is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cockroaches in Voss.

[Robert Kelly]

He's going to be bitching about. He's going to be bitching about Joe List benefit. They have me host that every year. I don't even get a watch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. I can't wait till Voss is in a pool with his Bonnie died money. He's going to have his. He's going to have his.

[Robert Kelly]

He can't wait. He can't wait till he's in a pool with his Bonnie died money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Boss is going to be his Twilight is going to be fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, buddy. Well, I love you.

[Colin Quinn]

I'll see you later.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll talk to you later.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bye. Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

Be great.

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[Robert Kelly]

hey, what's going on? I'm Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I'm Big J. Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the Bonfire is a member of Sirius XM's Podcast Plus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Chris Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So what are you waiting for?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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