Ghost Texts & Tummy Time

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Ghost Texts & Tummy Time
Date: November 21, 2025 | SiriusXM Faction Talk

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Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode, Jay and Bobby bring their signature raw humor to an honest, meandering conversation that jumps from balding and hair transplants, to facing death and loss in the comedy community, to the realities of being fat on the road—and, ultimately, how comedians cope with vulnerability and connection as they age. With regulars like Jacob and DJ Lou chiming in, the banter moves seamlessly from roasting each other to exploring deeper themes of mortality, friendship, and regret, punctuated by irreverent asides and memorable one-liners.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "White Music" and Tattoo Stories

• The show kicks in with Jay’s story (01:37) about a fan asking if he knew a woman with a “soul coughing” tattoo “next to her pussy.”
• Immediate riffing on odd fan encounters and the unique tribal knowledge passed around among comics.

"She's a comedian? He's like, no, man, she's a slut."
—Big Jay Oakerson (01:21)

Tone: Off-the-cuff, sexual, irreverent.

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2. Weather Woes & Aging Comic Bodies

• Jay and Bobby lament the biting New York cold and its effect on their bodies and vanity (02:52-04:13).
• Bobby muses on being happy to be bald to avoid dealing with ruined hair and sleeping upright.

"I had to sleep sitting up, you know what I mean? Like old ladies used to get their hair done for, like, a month."
—Bobby Kelly (03:58)

Memorable riff: On Navy SEALs, aging, and fashion challenges.

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3. Hair Transplants & Male Insecurity

• The longest, most detailed segment: Jacob’s struggle with balding, different transplant methods, and resisting a Turkey “medical tourism” trip (05:01-25:27).
• Lively debate: Is it worth the money? Is it taboo to admit?
• Discussion of beard, chest, and even hypothetical "bush fat" hair donations for a transplant.

Highlights & Quotes:

• "No one thinks you’re bald at all. That’s not the first thing I would think about you when I saw you."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (10:06)
• "You can get those meds from anybody."
  —Bobby Kelly (11:51)
• "We should send him to Dr. Geshe."
  —Bobby Kelly (12:01)
• Turkish hair restoration marketing and testimonials are skewered on-air (07:00+).

Comedy Tangents:

• Comic insecurities about “dangerous” camera angles in the studio.
• Offer to pay for Jacob’s transplant in exchange for a “bonfire logo” haircut or a tattoo.
• Riffs on using bush hair for transplants, “rejection pills,” and bad post-op flights with heads full of surgical wounds (16:54, 23:33).
• “Norbert ranking scale” for baldness (16:43).

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4. Stories of Friendship & Coping with Death

• Bobby shares a deeply personal story about learning that his friend and comic Jerry Rocha may have died—moments before going onstage (33:01-47:18).
  • The anxiety of not knowing, the awkwardness of sending a heartfelt text, and the bizarre “ghost text” he receives after the show.
• Jay and Bobby process comic death/illness (Patrice O’Neal, Keith Robinson), riffing as they attempt to avoid emotional depth.

"It just sits in my chest like a brick... I feel like if I do start to cry, all the stuff’s gonna come out."
—Bobby Kelly (41:43)

• Jay’s dark humor offers a counterpoint:

"Don’t you wish you would have went through this with him while he was still here?"
—Big Jay Oakerson (36:50)

• They riff about the possibility the text is coming from “the afterlife,” ending on jokes about cell towers in heaven and ghostly communication.

Memorable Exchange:

"He responds—okay, now I’m up."
—Bobby Kelly (43:13)
Jay: "He just meant he wasn’t going to make the TD Bank show, Bobby."

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5. Hypothetical Heaven for Comics

• Riffing on who’s in “Comedy Heaven”: John Pinette, Chris Farley, Robin Williams, Richard Jeni (49:01).
• Jokes about fatness, small wings, beautiful women, and whether “ugly chicks” get in.

"You’re still fat in heaven but you move light as air… and the most beautiful women are completely still attracted to the fattest, snuggliest guys." —Big Jay Oakerson (49:13)

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6. Fat Guy Life & "Tummy Time" Restaurant

• Long, honest discussion on the realities of being overweight in hotels on the road (52:27-55:51).
• Towel tricks (for food, jizz, and weed smoke), ordering patterns, and hotel hacks.
• Invention of the "Tummy Time" restaurant—everyone eats lying down on their stomachs.

"As soon as I get in the hotel room, I take one towel… I wet it… and put it under the door… I still believe that’s what makes weed smoke stay in the room."
—Big Jay Oakerson (54:47)

• Food shame, Thanksgiving binges (“the gobbler” sandwich), and eating until you throw up (57:06-58:57).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-------------|--------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:21 | Jay Oakerson | "She's a comedian? ... No, man, she's a slut." | | 03:58 | Bobby Kelly | "I had to sleep sitting up... like old ladies used to get their hair done..." | | 10:06 | Big Jay Oakerson | "No one thinks you’re bald at all. That’s not the first thing I would think about you." | | 36:00 | Bobby Kelly | "He died waiting for your phone call." | | 41:43 | Bobby Kelly | "It just sits in my chest like a brick. I feel like if I do start to cry..." | | 49:13 | Big Jay Oakerson | "You’re still fat in heaven but you move light as air..." | | 54:47 | Big Jay Oakerson | "As soon as I get in the hotel room, I take one towel...wet it...put it under the door..." |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Fan with Tattoo Story: 01:37
• Cold Weather Complaints: 02:52
• Hair Transplant Riffing Begins: 05:01
• Debate on Medical Tourism (Turkey): 06:16, 09:19, 14:41
• Bobby’s Ghost Text Story: 33:01-47:18
• Comedy Remembrance & Heaven Bit: 49:01-50:13
• Fat Guy Hotel Hacks/"Tummy Time" Invention: 52:27-54:47
• Thanksgiving Binge Stories: 57:06-58:57

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Flow & Tone

• The tone is consistently brash, dark, and affectionate, never shying from taboos or self-deprecation.
• Jay and Bobby’s banter and quick wit are central, with empathetic moments woven between relentless ribbing.
• The episode captures what “The Bonfire” does best: finding the comedy in the messy, human realities of life, friendship, and mortality—without ever getting too sentimental, at least without making fun of themselves immediately after.

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For Listeners

If you haven’t tuned in, expect:

• Unfiltered talk about aging, balding, and the not-so-glamorous life of comics.
• Real talk about death, mixed with gallows humor and warmth.
• Tangential, chaotic, and very human stories—equal parts roast and therapy session.
• Inventive takeaways: “Tummy Time” for fat-friendly dining, hotel towel hacks, and the idea that maybe in heaven, you finally get to have that perfect “gobbler” sandwich—without judgment.

No ads, no pretense. Just comics riffing, grieving, and getting on with the work—and making each other laugh through it all.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

So is Saldana.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Hey, can you wrap these please?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow. IPhone 17s.

[T-Mobile Representative]

You splurged at T Mobile. You can get four iPhone 17s on them. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T-Mobile Representative]

No @t mobile there's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Incredible.

[T-Mobile Representative]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my aunt Rosa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Forget that.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sounds like my family drama.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with. Hey, where are you going?

[Bobby Kelly]

To T Mobile. The holidays are better. AT T Mobile get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 monthly bill credits and four eligible board inside essentials for well qualified customers that don't pay. Plus taxes, fees and $35 device connection charge credits and employees talents do if you pay off earlier. Cancel contact US Finance Agreement 256 gigabytes. 830 required. Visit T mobile.com.

[Jacob]

And now the bonfire.

[Bobby Kelly]

With Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

DJ Lou's girlfriend asked him to show him some white music this weekend. This is one of the ones he pulled out. Is this soul coughing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, it sure is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know their songs. I just know the sound of them. This always makes me laugh. A guy outside of a comedy club. Once I believe it was Dead Crow Comedy Club.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you storytelling right now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am. It was Dead Crow Comedy club. And he goes outside. He goes, so you travel around a lot, huh? He goes, do you ever go to Boston? And I go yeah, and I've been to Boston a lot. He goes. He goes, have you Ever met this girl? Her name's like, you know, Stephanie or something. He goes, she has a soul coughing tattoo right above. Right next to her pussy. I went, no. I go, what? She's like a comic? And he goes, no, man, she's a slut.

[Bobby Kelly]

How great would it have been if you did meet her?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, whatever her name was. I was like, kristen, she got a soul coughing tattoo next to her pussy. This is the only fact he gave me. I go, she's a comedian. He's like, no, man, she's a slut. You would have encountered her in your travels. Kristen with the soul coughing tattoo next to her poo. Say, it is so cold, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what happened between yesterday and today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yesterday was freezing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yesterday it was cold, but it was raining, so it can't be that cold. Today. I came out snow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Snow. Yeah. My hands hurt. My nips are so tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Walking over from the car is just like, let's just get through this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like, I feel like I have to. Whatever part of me that could be Navy seal, you know what I mean? It's a very small part that wouldn't ring the bell. I have to muster up and be like, I'll make it. I got two blocks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, we walk across. You know, you go across town on the walk, so you. The wind, it just. Just zips right across. You really get out of the car and you're like, here we go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's coming from the river.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is Terminator timeline. So, like, I have to wear a suit tonight. So I didn't do my hair or anything because this weather is gonna fuck it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. I'm so glad I don't have hair. Really?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. The last five years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that what you say all the time to yourself?

[Bobby Kelly]

The fact. The last five years of my life, the hair I had had to be done. Like an old lady in the. From the 50s.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to make it look okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to sleep sitting up, you know what I mean? Like, put pillows around me so I. You know, like, old. Old ladies used to get their hair done for, like a month.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like matted and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like, now women get their hair. Did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hate this?

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish.

[Jacob]

You wearing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Am I receding at all?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you're not. Plus, what do you mean?

[Jacob]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Having here now is.

[Jacob]

What are you complaining about?

[Bobby Kelly]

Get the space wig, dude. Like, guys, if they had the technology now that they had when I was losing my hair, I would have just got it. You would have never known And I would have these curly locks.

[Jacob]

Is that a thing, though?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not beautiful now, wait a minute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You are already beautiful.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, thank you very much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm just saying. No, no, I should say. Hang on, let me correct this, Jacob. You're fucking handsome as shit right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like handsome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You would have been beautiful.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have been beautiful. Yeah, but I'm handsome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you're handsome.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got a lot of compliments yesterday. You ever have those days where a lot of girls are fucking saying it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was a good outfit? You got your beard tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Beard's tight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First of all, you go back and forth on beard. You do. You do goatee a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I switch it up.

[Jacob]

I like the beard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Beard works.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like the beard. But here's the thing with the beard. Every once in a while, I fuck it up and I. The last time I trimmed it and I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta go to somebody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then all you have to do is keep that shape for a couple weeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you go back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. But there's nobody. Where do I go?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anywhere where there's ethnic people.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I went to the Our Boy, it was fun. It was nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whenever, when you come in, when you're waiting through the city, you can just stop by and see fucking. Would it be a crime if I forgot his name?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on.

[Jacob]

Ooh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What was it? Isaiah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Isaiah sexy lips, sexy ass. Isaiah sexy chest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll never forget what he said to me. He goes, you lose a lot of weight? Huh? Like, I'm trying. He goes, you was fat. I just took it. I'm like, do you. Am I okay now?

[Jacob]

Yes. You was so fat because you said something like. Do you think it's still a thing if somebody. Do you think people still have to hide getting a hair transplant because I wouldn't give a.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no.

[Jacob]

I tell everyone.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had to. That was like being gay around 10 years ago. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why'd you get one?

[Jacob]

Kaching. That's expensive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not in Turkey, it's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

5,000.

[Jacob]

I'm not going to Turkey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hate the Turks.

[Jacob]

I have you. You know my guy. I'm American only.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you can only go to one guy for this transfer?

[Jacob]

Yeah, buddy. He's his. His work is proven to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's it cost?

[Jacob]

Fifteen grand, Maybe more. Now. That was the last quote I got.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's too much money to get you.

[Jacob]

I mean, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you get hair for the rest of your life.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I mean, if you can go. If I could go to another country. And do it for five grand and then come back.

[Jacob]

But you have to be there. There are surgeons that do an unbelievable job in Turkey and ones that you're going to look like an asshole for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The rest of your massacre.

[Jacob]

You don't have to find the right one. Yeah, but it's harder to research.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it?

[Bobby Kelly]

How? There's so many guys you're not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou. Type in best doctor in Turkey for hair transplants. I bet there's a lot of answers.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet there's a ton of answers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's find out. Jake, we're gonna get your ass at Turkish.

[Jacob]

I'm not going Turkey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna buy a non refundable ticket. You're gonna fuck me over like that?

[Jacob]

I want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna fuck over your friend Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

If we pay for it. You wouldn't do it.

[Jacob]

What's wrong with my guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong with us paying for it?

[Jacob]

He's a genius.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, if we're paying for it, you're gonna spend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're make us fucking go three times the price.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong with that?

[Jacob]

Yes. I mean, if you're willing to pay.

[Bobby Kelly]

For it, then yeah, you're a fucking snob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, hype.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at his hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at that fucking hair, Jacob.

[Jacob]

Also, you can't get post op.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how good he does.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you want to get your penis taken off?

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Vagina.

[Jacob]

You want to go back like the next week. But these, I mean you saw the, the return flights, they do the surgery and like the next day you're home. But you have to just hope it goes well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't need a lot now go up here.

[Jacob]

I know I still have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to read that little bar right there with the three, the four things in it. Scroll up. Lou, right there. Yeah. Over 25 years in expertise in hair transplantation. Europe's leading hair transplant surgeon. He's the leading world class team of five plus expert doctors and the highest medical standards. But look how nice his website is.

[Jacob]

Me too. I'm the. I'm the best doctor in Turkey for hair transplants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't see your website.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't see you have a website.

[Jacob]

I haven't posted it yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have an Instagram or anything?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That doesn't mean anything? There's no picture of you with glorious hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Scroll down to his Instagram. Let's see. Oh, there you go. Look at that, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's see where he was written up, by the way.

[Jacob]

Go back there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go up? Yeah. What's it say? Well, he's been featured in Business Insider, Men's Journal, gqn, Esquire.

[Jacob]

I'm sure it's good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Has your doctor been featured in those you.

[Jacob]

You spent? You know my doctor? You know how brilliant he is? I don't know why you're putting him down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not putting him down.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not your doctor. You haven't been to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a doctor.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a doctor that, you know.

[Jacob]

You don't know that I have. He gives me my prescriptions.

[Bobby Kelly]

For what?

[Jacob]

My hair tonic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ugh. What is it, the fucking 1800s?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the Dan guy?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who uses the Dan guy, then the Justin and Josh guy who uses hair tonic. That's the only person you'd go to?

[Jacob]

I know another guy in Florida, but I like this guy. He's right here. Why wouldn't I go to Dan's guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because we're paying for it, and you're not Dan, and you don't make Dan money.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're helping you.

[Jacob]

I. I'm happy with where my hair is now when I have.

[Bobby Kelly]

We aren't the money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to look at it all the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I see. I see my old hair, and it fucking scares me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you got Bobby fucking law and order, criminal intent hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You got. You got lieutenant hair.

[Jacob]

My hair looks good now. I'm happy with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not good. You don't want a transplant at all.

[Jacob]

No, I would. If I had the money, just the money to do it, I would get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why would you change something you're happy with? Why would.

[Jacob]

I said I'm happy with what I can do right now. I like. I. I think it looks fine. Well, fine to the naked eye, I can get away with being, like, normal, looking normal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No one thinks you're bald at all. That's not the first thing I would think about you when I saw you. That you were, like, losing your hair or anything.

[Jacob]

Yep, that's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

We don't have to edit stuff out. When they go behind you with the camera in the studio when you like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We do.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's annoying.

[Jacob]

No, we do have to do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. We can't get certain angles of your hair.

[Jacob]

I don't allow that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you're happy with it.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but sometimes if my. My mic, the. My headphones will move it, and then it'll. And the camera to look like I have a spot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why won't you go from Turkey? Do you have to think of it In Florida flights. It's three Florida flights.

[Jacob]

I don't want to do that. I don't want to go to Turkey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nobody wants to go to Turkey. But you want hair.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nobody wants to go to fucking Amsterdam to get prostitutes for free.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where it's at.

[Jacob]

I'm. I'm a. I'm loyal to my.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

To my guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, yeah. This guy's a knob. Listen, dude, look at that. You could be on that flight with a bunch of other.

[Jacob]

I'm not going back and doing that flight home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why, everyone. That would be the best thing ever. Look at that. All those guys have hair now. Oh, he's bleeding.

[Jacob]

They're all bleeding. Their heads are all bleeding.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just a bunch of guys bleeding on a plane from their heads. That's disgusting.

[Jacob]

They all look like ax wounds to the head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they all look like a. I'll tell you what.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're all going to have luscious hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Luscious hair.

[Jacob]

See, I'm an expert on the surgeries that you can.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry, what?

[Jacob]

Did you want the strip?

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you just say what?

[Jacob]

I'm an expert on which surgery to get.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Expert?

[Jacob]

Yes, expert. As far as determining which. Which one is best for me? Yes. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have credentials to be an expert?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, now you're saying you're an expert in you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not your doctor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stop calling him your doctor.

[Jacob]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he is, actually. He gives him the mean.

[Jacob]

He is my doctor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is in the meds that keep him right on the edge before he has to go to Turkey.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can get those meds from anybody.

[Jacob]

But I get them from him because he's my doctor. I get them from my doctor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a prescription?

[Jacob]

Yes. You can't get it without. It's his cocktail.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I ask you, what do you have to do with it? We should send him to Dr. Geshe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should have the guy from CVS do my sinus surgery. He's the one who gives me my Afrin.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's true.

[Jacob]

I have to tell you this. I should tell you this story. So this was. He became my doctor during COVID when we were all remote, and this is when I was panicking. I'm losing my hair. I don't know what to do. It looked shallow to me, and I had actually shaved it down almost to nothing. When I got to Florida and he was. I couldn't get to him. There were no flights. And he said, I'm doing free because of COVID I'm doing free virtual consultations. So send me Photos of your hair, of your hairline. So I had to take the most horrific shots of my head and send it to him. And I've never wanted to. Like, it brought me to tears. Looking at my head.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're talking to a guy who. To take a photo of his black come on his forearm and send it to a doctor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're talking to a guy who. A doctor sat on a stool and played with my dick fat to show me how it would look better if he sucked it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you're talking to. These are the two wrong guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saw pictures of your head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jeepers creepers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Try taking black cum shots.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but when you think this is. This is the end, you can see like a horseshoe.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think, I think I was dying. I had cancer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just didn't get confirmed by a doctor that my dick looks little because of my stupid fat around it.

[Jacob]

You are your comics. You have a sense of humor. You have a sense of humor about life. I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not in that moment. I never sense of humor. I was like, let me get out of here.

[Jacob]

You thought to blow a load on your arm and just take a quick shot of it and text it to him.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, I was very happy that I blew a load onto my forearm, which is amazing. And then when I looked down and it was pitch black. And then I googled black jizz cancer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hit oil cancer?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. I was panicking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now the government's going to come and try to buy up that land or.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to move to Beverly Hills.

[Jacob]

I mean, my nephew is Hills.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is. Hair transplants, movie stars.

[Jacob]

My nephews were laughing so hard of the pictures because I looked. It looked so sad. But then the doctor emailed me back. Great photos. He was. He was impressed with my professionalism with the lighting. He wanted to tell me how much he appreciated the good lighting. My.

[Bobby Kelly]

My doctor said the same thing, by the way. He was like, great photos of your black jizz now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. And then frame is fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does make you feel good when the doctor compliments you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If me and Bobby pay, can we go? If we pay for it in New Orleans this week, which we are in right now. Determine our timelines.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Depending if the. If the flights went out or out there. Maybe we can get you, like, a cursed, like, transplant or wig where it's like, when you put it on, it never stops growing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like you think it's what you want, but it's like the actual other.

[Bobby Kelly]

Side when it actually grows back It's a. It's like a fucking creepy cat lives on your head.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It just does something. Yeah, it makes you kill, but it makes you kill at night.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it gives you powers. You can crawl up walls and shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you can never die. And at first that seems great, but after a while it's quite a burden.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All because you hate your own hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just wind up going on different variations of the bonfire for the next 200 years.

[Jacob]

I love my hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I'm sorry. DJ Lou hates your hair. He hates it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I could take it or leave it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob does have a good face though, for a shaved head, which is. He is lucky for that. He thinks he doesn't, but he actually does now. You do.

[Jacob]

You do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You do. You need a little facial hair for sure.

[Jacob]

No, it didn't look good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

He has Frank Sinatra hair before he threw the wig on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pull up Frank Sinatra. Young Frank Sinatra. He had the same haircut before he flapped it. Why don't you get a wig, dude? Why don't you rock a wig?

[Jacob]

You know I don't need it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, a wig.

[Jacob]

This is you projecting and this is. This is the same as the height.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's over his hair.

[Jacob]

No, no, but this is the height.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, not then.

[Jacob]

Oh, that's. Yes, that is how I look.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not how you look.

[Jacob]

Yes, that's how I look.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Type in 38 year old. And that's Jacob's hair. Hey, is it windy outside?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Should I put some extra tape on my stuff?

[Jacob]

Well, I. I fixed my hair up. I don't try to. I don't swoop or anything. This is what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to swoop. I swooped a lot. There you go.

[Jacob]

I do not. I would say Frank is a Norbert for the left.

[Bobby Kelly]

Over to the left. Right there. There you are.

[Jacob]

That's a Norbert. Four. I would say I'm a Norbert. Two and a half to three.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know what that means. What does that mean?

[Jacob]

That's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that like. That's the space cadet.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the ball rankings scale, dude. I could push some of that hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On the side titles if we took.

[Bobby Kelly]

A comb right now. And brush your hair all the way back. Go back. Yeah, right in there. There you go. Brush this. No, no, don't be so. What am you doing? What am I doing? What does he want besides the corn?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You knock out your spray hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, push all that back. Push it all back really hard, though. There you Go.

[Jacob]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And that he has Frank Sinatra hair. You're trying to prove a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you. You just need. You need a little. You need a little bit.

[Jacob]

I know. My doctor said you can look. He recommended the smallest amount of follicular replacement because I have such great density and a small head, so he doesn't have to use as much. Yeah, I mean, that's what it is. But, I mean, I'm not bragging. I'm just. You think they can't figure out what he said?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They can't figure that out in Turkey?

[Jacob]

I'm sure they could, but I'm getting the strip taken out everyone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I heard Justin pays that doctor. He accepts naked pictures of Justin. I'll send you three dick pics and a picture of me spreading bung hole.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got such a nice piece.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Justin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that photo you sent me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Good ass, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I didn't see his ass, but guys bumping.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Body's bumping.

[Jacob]

He has a big penis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big penis, nice penis.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if it's big because he's small.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I don't know how big it is, but, like, it looks big on him.

[Jacob]

It looks big.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you put it on me, though, it might be just regular. Like, if you put his on me and Jay, it might be just a regular dick. We might have the same dick as Justin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everything around it's different. Yeah, so different. So, so different.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I got. Well, maybe. Maybe it's perspective. I think last time he was here, Christine, he had a picture of his penis on his phone. Yeah, he said, this is what I send to people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. I have a picture of his penis on my phone. When he needs it to send to somebody, he asks me to send it back to him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you dump me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm trying to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Justin stepping all over Lou today. Not care about my beautiful dress.

[Jacob]

No, I tried to shut up while I heard it. You want to play it again?

[Bobby Kelly]

Play it again. The moment's gone.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hungry Bogart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We do have some testimonials from the Turkish guy. From the Turkish guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at that. That guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He won't do black people. Jacob, that's gonna excite you. Just let that black guy bald.

[Bobby Kelly]

We don't know that, though. He might. He might appear in the video with his. Unless he just got the sides done. Black guys can only do the sides. Here we go. He's going in. Oh, man, his hair is. Oh, God, that's bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. He's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. This guy's got hair just like you. I mean, the shape. The shape wise hair transplant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's little curls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ew. He just puts him on his hand.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And shoots him back in.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just plucks them out individually and plucks them in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get to where it's at.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. This is. I don't like when they don't show you the whole thing.

[Jacob]

Can I say something? A lot of people, the big. The big surgery now is fue. Where they just pluck from a whole area. Yeah. Get the strip. The strip. You harvest more hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the problem with the strip, though. If you get the strip, I believe Rogan got the strip and now he has just a scar in the back of his.

[Jacob]

Right. But that was a long time ago and he didn't have a good surgeon. Pape. You can't even see the strip if it's a good surgeon.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're saying Joe Rogan didn't get the best surgeon? He got a shitty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's from a long time ago.

[Jacob]

Right? That's exactly what I'm saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A long time ago you said fue.

[Jacob]

Jacob, you want fut? Fue is very popular.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to fut?

[Jacob]

I don't want to. I'm getting a fut. I'm getting the foot. That's what I got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The few.

[Jacob]

Like I said, it. It doesn't. It leaves the back of your head shallow and it doesn't harvest as much hair. You lose more hair follicles.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you want the foot?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll give you a foot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll put a foot in your ass.

[Jacob]

That's why you have to go to my guy, because he want me to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have a hairy asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on, Jacob. Jay's being silly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm fighting your ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was trying to get the foot thing going and Jay. Jay got it going.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're about to get butt footed.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to suck your foot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, so the strip's the way to play.

[Jacob]

People are terrified of the strip. But my guy, why they terrify Dan's guy because they think that everyone's going to have this big line. But the. The line is you go to my Dan, get the. What am I supposed to say? Does he care?

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dan, he. Everyone knows he got it. What difference does it make to him?

[Jacob]

I don't know if he. Is he sensitive about his foot over the other few of you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think. Why would you be sensitive about fewer foot?

[Jacob]

He got the foot.

[Bobby Kelly]

He got the foot.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's why you get in the foot.

[Jacob]

And his Hair looks fantastic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Looks fantastic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So now you gotta go get it.

[Jacob]

It does. It looks f tastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Dan's guy. So he's your guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's your guy now.

[Jacob]

Not just my guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doctor.

[Jacob]

He's a lot of people's guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you. Is he people that we know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guy Justin.

[Jacob]

You're very close. Yes. You know a lot of those people?

[Bobby Kelly]

I know a lot of them.

[Jacob]

I think he's. He's basically the Allen of hair surgeons.

[Bobby Kelly]

You walking in and the people you know are walking out.

[Jacob]

They talk comedy. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who else? Mateo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mateo got the fuck. He got the fuck because of me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Because we were at the Cellar during the pandemic, and he said something to me, fucking with me. I go, dude, let me tell you something. If you gain nine pounds and you don't take care of that fucking hair on your head. You finished? Yeah, I'm. I made it like this. I was like 360 bald.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sitting right next to you like this. I'm not going anywhere. I go, £9 and your hair. You better take care of that hair. You're done in this business.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then I think he went to Turk. I think he went to Turkey.

[Bobby Kelly]

He came back after you got his. He goes, bobby, I want to thank you. I'm like, for what? He goes, because of that insult you gave me. I got my hair done, and I've been in the gym all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you. Did he go to Turkey?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he. He. No, he went here. He has money? Sure, he had money. I think he went here. I don't know, though, but I can't tell you that.

[Jacob]

Did he go to Miami?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can get a GoFundMe to get you to. To your guy. We can get the 15 grand. I do believe that, but you gotta be willing to give something. What will you do for like a $500 donation? What do you do? A dick pic.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about this? No one. You have to get the fut. From me and Jay's bush fat. The hair on your head has to be from our bushfat.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it has to be our dick hair.

[Jacob]

I know. You have to take rejection pills.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jacob]

Because it's a foreign. It's your bush hair. In my. In my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nah, dude. Me and Bobby's dick hair is interchangeable with your head hair, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'd have curly hair.

[Jacob]

It's like a liver, somebody else's liver.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If they took a picture at the top of your head right now, am I Above my dick hair. Nobody would ever know what they were looking at.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You could put your nose on his dick and it would look like you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want to put your nose on my dick and see?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

Would it be very coarse also?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, before we run away from this, do you have any interest in putting your nose on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now? So you could take your bush fat and put it on your hair because it's from you.

[Jacob]

My bush hair? I guess. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there we go. Strip straight down your ass crack hair and use that strip.

[Jacob]

By the way, when they're done with, They've harvested all the hair they can take from the donor area in the back of your head on the side. Like, guys with a lot of money will take their beard hair next and then their chest hair, arm hair. They will take off every part of their body.

[Bobby Kelly]

Has anybody ever taken it from their. From their foot?

[Jacob]

I don't think they've bragged about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's.

[Jacob]

It's not about the strips. It's. It's how much hair density you have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

You can't do it all. It's stupid to do it all at once too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really.

[Jacob]

So you want to. Basically, you can only get so much. You can only cover 25% of what you've lost. If you're completely gone on top. You could only. There's only enough hair in the back of your head to fill in the very front.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could we.

[Jacob]

If we can't do your whole.

[Bobby Kelly]

If we paid for it, will you get the bonfire logo in hair on the fucking top?

[Jacob]

It would probably work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's get away from hair. If we pay for it, will you get a bonfire tattoo on your lower back? Like a tramp stamp of the bonfire as your only tattoo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Actually, not on your lower back. I want it right near your pussy. Like that slut from Boston.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, like fucking. Like Kristen the soul coughing pig from Boston. What if she calls the show one day? She goes, yo, I'm. I have a soul coughing T. My name's Kristen. What a great description of a chick. Her name's Kristen. She has a soul coughing tattoo next to her.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did the thing last night for Joe List at the Gramercy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Joe List man of the year was a part of New York Comedy Festival. Were you right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude. It was just a show. It was just a. I thought it was. I thought he won an award. I thought he got something when they. They presented it to me. What's her name? From the stand, the GM there. What's her name? I don't know you work there all the time. What's the hot chick that runs the stand?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Adele.

[Bobby Kelly]

Adele.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotcha.

[Bobby Kelly]

Adele was like, hey, we're doing this thing man of the Year for Joe. We'd love you to be part of it. I was like, oh, absolutely. He won an award. It's just a show. He didn't win anything. They just named the show man of the Year.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then, oh, it's just a standup show.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was just me doing a set.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everybody just did a set.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was. Dan was there. Dan went up first. Katie was there. Mark. Mark. Norman, Sam, Sarah. Sarah wasn't even on the show, which is hilarious. They had to put her on the show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Jacob]

They didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

They didn't put her on the show. He had to go, what about Sarah? And they're like, oh, yeah, put her on the show too. Who else stopped by? Louis CK Stopped by. He was back. This is the. This happened to me last night, and it fucked me up. I'm still up about it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, I. I don't contribute to Joe List.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not that. I showed up for that. And it was great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

6:00Pm show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mother F. Seven. It was seven. It was a seven o' clock show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Says six.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's not. They. They showed up at six. The show started at seven. But I show up and I'm like, everybody's in the green room. It's packed. Hey, what's up? Hey. Hey, you know, what are you doing? Whatever. And then I'm. I'm on next after Sarah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, I've been thinking about this. My. My cousin, my distant cousin, who I grew up with and I loved for a long time, sent me a birthday present, and I never called him back. And it's weighing on me. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to call him. I'm going to talk to him. Just say hi. Thanks. But you know what? The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets. And it just takes a little courage to make that call, just to say hi, someone you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can feel difficult, too. It's very similar to that, but it can be worth it. It can leave people wondering, why didn't I do this sooner? Why haven't I taken my mental health a little more serious? Because it seems daunting. But it's not. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the U.S. betterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals this month. Don't wait. Reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp can make it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bonfire. That's better. H E L P.com Bonfire oh hey. Welcome to gift wrapping.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

So is Saldana.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Hey, can you wrap these please?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow. IPhone 17s.

[T-Mobile Representative]

You splurged at T Mobile, you can get four iPhones. The new center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. It's the perfect gift for everyone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm the worst. I only got my mom a robe.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Well, it's better than socks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I have to trade in my old phone, right?

[T-Mobile Representative]

No AT T Mobile. There's no trade ins needed when you switch. Keep your old phone or give it as a gift.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Incredible.

[T-Mobile Representative]

In fact, wrap up my old phone too for my Aunt Rosa.

[Jacob]

Forget that.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Aunt Liz will be jealous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sounds like my family drama.

[T-Mobile Representative]

Oh, I got it. I'll give it to my abuela. I'll take reindeer paper with hey, where are you going?

[Bobby Kelly]

To demo T Mobile. The holidays are better. AT T Mobile get four iPhone 17s on us. No trade in needed when you switch plus four lines for just 25 bucks a line. And now T Mobile is available in US cellular stores with 24 month legal credits and four eligible coordinates on essentials.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For well qualified customers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got okay. Plus taxes, fees and $35 device connection charge credits and imbalance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel Contact US Finance Agreement 256 gigabytes 830 required.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Visit T mobile.com you know running a business is hard enough, so why make it harder? With a dozen different apps that don't talk to each other. One for sales, another for inventory, a separate one for accounting. Before you know it, you're drowning in software. Instead of growing your business, this is where Odoo comes in. Odoo is the only business software you'll ever need. It's an all in one, fully integrated platform that handles everything. CRM, accounting, inventory, E commerce, hr, and so much more. No more app overload, no more juggling logins. Just one seamless system that makes work easier. And the best part? Odoo replaces multiple expensive platforms for a fraction of the cost. It's built to grow with your business, whether you're just starting out or already scaling up. Plus, it's easy to use customizable and designed to streamline your every process so you can focus on what really matters, running your business. Thousands of businesses have made the switch, so why not you try Odoo for [e-mail] that's O D o o Cold mornings, holiday plans.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is when you just want your wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and things you actually wear. That's where quints comes in. And the bonus quince pieces make great gifts, too. This season's lineup is simple but smart. Easy with quince. $50 Mongolian cashmere. That's it. Mongolian. That's the one. I got $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feels like an everyday luxury. And wool coats that. That are equal parts stylish and durable. I never understood. I have sweaters. I have a bunch of sweaters. I went to Quint's. What a difference. It's so inexpensive. Such good quality. And when you put that on, oh, my God, I can't wait for Christmas. My mom's going to be mad because I'm not wearing her crappy sweater. Give and get. Timeless holiday staples that last this season with quints. Go to quinte.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's q-u I n c e.combonfire free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.combonfire they had me up last. And I was like, no, I've already been through this. I'm going up third. That's my new thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Isn't Joe supposed to be last?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's. He goes up at the end. But I was last of all the comics because all the comics pick their little spots. Like, I'll go here and I'll go there and I'm always, oh, we'll just throw him up. And I was like, no, I'm going up, right? I'm going up third. Fuck that. I want to get out of here. I want to go home. And I show up saying hi to everybody and then I go in the hallway and Chris Italia is out in the hallway and he's like, hey, do you want to. Go out and jump? Exactly. I don't want. It sounds like he's constantly in a CPAP machine. I want to talk to you about this before. Every time you do. You said before, I told you. So I go in the hallway and he's like, hey, hey. You know, you know Jerry roa. I'm like, yeah, I love Jerry Roacher. I just, I've known Him a few years. A great friend of mine. He just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Houston.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's. I believe he's from Texas, Louisiana.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For the.

[Bobby Kelly]

La. California, for the last 15 years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stanhope guy for a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

He used to. Yeah, he used to open up for Mike distefano. He was a great guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Very nice guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love him. I just. I was in San Diego at Mic Drop. He came down just to hang. We're hanging out, talking. He had cancer and he beat it. And he's telling me how great everything is, and he beat it, and everything's going great. Did a set, killed it. We hung out, smoked cigars. I mean, I love this guy. One of the sweetest guys in the business. And I go, yeah, I know him. I love that guy. I love. I just. I just talked to him this year. We hung out, and he goes, yeah, he's dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, she didn't know. In fairness. You didn't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, I died. I'm like, what in the. Would you tell me that 10 minutes before I'm going up next, you fat tub of. Why would I want. Why would I want to know that now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby just came. You just told me a friend of mine who I love.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Died. I gotta go do. Stand up now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, you fat. Have you tried to fool the food? The club? That was good. I was talking. I'm so. I'm literally like, I. He survived. I just hung with him. He beat it. And this guy tells me he's dead. And then the guy goes, all right, Bobby, you going up next? I'm like. And I gotta go on stage and all. I don't process death great. I just don't. I. It fucking. It hammers me inside. I don't know how to. I don't know how to. I think. Because if I do, you know, if I let it sink in, I'll fucking, like, all the pain of my life will come out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You. Have you. You heard what happened to Patrice, though, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Are you kidding? What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? We're in the middle of a show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You didn't know that it was in the hospital? Better part of.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

14 years ago.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do know that. I mean, even that one, when I went to visit Patrice in the hospital, and I. You know, he's dying. I just. I don't. Like on the bus ride, I just didn't know how to. It hits me and stays in my chest. Like a fucking thousand pounds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know about Keith, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He had two strokes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Still kicking?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's still kicking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Still kicking. Terrible news.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. I just had dinner with him. Just hearing him. You can't make him laugh too hard anymore because he'll just cough for 18 minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's got to be funny to watch him eat though, right? One side out the other.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was pretty much his nurse next to him. Do you want some of this? Yeah, put it on the plate.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I make him drink from a straw so it falls out of the right side. Suck with your left and fall the right.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then I'm literally on stage and my brain is fucked. I'm just thinking, I just saw the guy this year.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm on stage and remember you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Said, like, I'm gonna get back to you, we'll do some shows together. And you never did. You never reached out to him about those shows?

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did not say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He died waiting for your phone call.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. So he did not the last time. No. The last text we had was a beautiful text. Great seeing you. I love you, you know. I love you too, man. It was great seeing you. We gotta hang out next time I'm in California.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely terrible.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I'm on stage and you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were like, I know you meant to answer it eventually.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. No, that's not true. Our last text was very nice. And there was no commitments. There was no, hey, man, I'd love to have you on the bonfire or Come on, White. There was none of that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I didn't even bring that up. That means you definitely promised, dude, come to New York spell. I'll bring you through the run, dude. I'll talk to legion of skanks about getting you on. And he's like, oh, this might be it, dude. I beat cancer and now I'm back.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, no, that didn't happen. So it did not happen. Well, definitely not gonna happen now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It can't happen now. And that's it. Don't you wish you would have went through this with him while he was still here?

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm on stage. I literally went. I literally had to stop and go, look, I just was told one of my. I go, the fucking piece of shit from the stand just told me my fucking friend died before I walked up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you thing. And then I. I'm. I'm. I'm pretty rattled. I did my set, it went well. It's great. I said, goodnight and I come Off. And everybody's, you know, when everybody, nobody cares. Everybody's having the, a great time, laughing and giggling and backstage and Bobby, your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mom called all you on stage.

[Jacob]

She's sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

And of course, Louie's going up, so the whole green room comes up. I hate that too, by the way. You know, I have Sarah and Joe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Upstairs with Barely watching, talking too loud during your set.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And then as soon as Louis makes a move, people follow him like birds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Mr. Do To Do.

[Bobby Kelly]

And so I come off stage and I'm kind of rattled. I, I, I look at my phone and. Yeah, I look at my phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I get a text from Jerry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Hang on. Lower the lights. I didn't know this was gonna be a spooky story. You contacted him through your phone, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He sends me this text from him about, hey, listen, man, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make it. You know, I'm not gonna read it, but it was. But I'm not gonna make it. My doctors told me this. I just want to call you, text you, and say that I love you, man. And, you know, you've always been a comedy, you know, inspiration to me, and I'm glad we got to spend time together, blah, blah, blah. Now I'm fucked because I don't. Did he send this before he died and had it, or did somebody just send this to me, but they knew?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, it means your love for him was real.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he said, I'm honored to call you as a friend. And I'm, I'm. Now I'm fa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm just right back the word ditto. Right back, ditto.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went, I went.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They respond to that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wrote.

[Jacob]

Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

The love inside, you take it with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It, it freaked me out. And I'm saying, no, let that sink in. Oh, I can't. I can't. I told you. I don't know how to deal with death.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I see him glowing behind you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. He's a malevolent spirit. Bobby. He wants to kill Bobby. He's got bloodlust. Bobby, I know it's your friend, but you got to put him down. Move out of the way. I gotta light him up. Light him up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Straight to hell, Jerry. Roacha. Straight to hell. So I text him back in my brain, I'm like, maybe this is his family. Maybe he sent this before he passed away.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe there's a cell tower in heaven.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe this is cell tower in heaven.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe T mobile has a heaven cell tower. It's everywhere now. The largest 5G network.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I, I'm like, I text him back, you know, hey man, you know, whatever. I love you and, and be at peace.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He texted back someone that you we're told was dead already.

[Bobby Kelly]

He. I, yeah, because I don't. I, I didn't know what to do. So I texted him back. I did, yes. I texted him back, what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the text just came through last night after Chris Italia text.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chris tells me he's dead. I'm fucked up. I do my set, I walk off stage and I get this text message.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

From him to say, great set.

[Jacob]

Did you burn the. You burned the stage down? You burned it down?

[Bobby Kelly]

I burned it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This show really needed you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That show was going haywire until you saved the day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Especially after that girl they didn't want on the show went up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Especially you went. And you had to go after what's her face. It was a last minute ad shitty to her.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I sent this text back to him and you know, you know, glory.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And safety in God's arms.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's hard to send that text back because you don't know who you're sending it to or what. And you. I don't want to. I wrote, you know, I tried to write what I thought I would want written to me, you know, or whatever. Or if his family read it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wrote Rocha. Is that a Mexican name?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it is. I think it's Spanish. I think he is Spanish. And I wrote back. I can read you what I wrote back if you want.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Please.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love you, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But put the cries in that you did when you were writing it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't cry. That's the thing. It just sits in my chest like a brick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because if I feel like if I do start to cry about it, all the stuff's gonna come out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

And I don't. I have too. I have too many flights to take in the next week. I have too many comedy shows to let it out because if it let it. I'm not gonna be able to go to skank fest. I'll just be a blubbering in the cigar lounge, crying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We handle the road differently. Me, when I land, I start picturing in my mind what the burden's gonna be if my body has to be shipped back from this place. I go, God forbid I die in Salt Lake, dude. What does that ca and bring a fat body back in a carcass in a case.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's fucking sad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every flight, when I go, the beginning of the flight I start thinking, I go, if I die on this plane or this trip, what's the legacy and what's the pain in the ass getting me back? Once I'm on the plane home, I'm like, now would be a good time to die, right? They're gonna deliver me right to my house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Basically, you just could fly right into.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Newark, bring it right in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, what's that? Fucking 1500 bucks to get your carcass back? Tops. Tops.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably a complimentary trip to the morgue, if I'm honest. Yeah. What are you gonna do, leave me the airport? Doubtful.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I wrote, I love you, buddy. Be at peace. I will say a prayer for you tonight. Now you have to watch over all of us until we meet again. I love you. Here's the problem. He responds, okay, now I'm up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He just meant he wasn't gonna make the TD bank show. Bobby, I'm not gonna make it. Sorry, man. Some shit came up. I know, I know it came up. The end of your life, your time was up.

[Bobby Kelly]

He. He responds. I'm like, this is fucking crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry. My pizza guy just. My pizza just got delivered. Sorry. To me slowing right back.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm wondering, is this his. Now he's dead. Chris told me he died.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Chris is never wrong. But is this one thing I'll say about that guy, if he says it, it's law.

[Bobby Kelly]

So now I'm like, is this his family or somebody taking it too far? You know what I mean? Like I. You said your thing came in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just became like, I'm gonna be Jerry Roacha, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I respond to him and I say some beautiful stuff I won't get into.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it heaven made of candy?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I didn't say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are there black people there?

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you in a Mexican heaven? Is it different?

[Bobby Kelly]

So I respond, okay, okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It sounds like it's Mexican heaven up there. Okay, nice. Now, are those. Are those. Are those just regular old chickens and roosters, or are those heaven roosters? Like, are they ones that did good on earth, or do they just have their own. Jerry, if you're listening. Jerry. Jerry. Oh, no. The chick. I can't hear the chickens anymore. Oh, no. I'm losing him. I'm losing signal.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to do it in space Spanish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, sorry. El Chicanos. El burro. Pollo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pollo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, pollo. My loco.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's a restaurant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pollo. El Pollo. Hermanos. Pollos.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I send him something back. I send him A you know something?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would think back, Bobby, can you Venmo me three grand?

[Bobby Kelly]

He responds again. He's. He wasn't dead. He was dying. He wasn't dead. He was dying. Or they're like saying. The doctor saying, look, I don't think you're gonna make it. He's kind of saying his goodbyes to people. This fucking fat tub of shit.

[Jacob]

That's incredible.

[Bobby Kelly]

Told me he died. It's, like, unbelievable to me that you would pass along information that you aren't sure of to a friend of somebody just before they're going on stage. That is false. He's alive. Or he was living at that time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's dead now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I mean, I said all the stuff I got to say, I don't say. I don't know what else to write. I mean, it was beautiful, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm afraid, Bobby, it would be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the problem.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a comic and he's. He's a dirty con. I remember Jerry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Very funny guy. He would think it's funny if after all that beautiful stuff and having a real firm goodbye, you'd be like, man, what a boring ass. Monday Night Football game last night. Just like a benign anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's what.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just send him a picture. Like, do these shoes look good? Or these look gay?

[Bobby Kelly]

But here's what bummed me out. He wrote me back again. And at the end of it, he wrote, hey, I lost Bill Burr's number. Would you mind passing it along? And I was like, he wants his last words to be with a more famous comedian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you give him his number?

[Bobby Kelly]

I immediately just texted it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you really?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn. I'm gonna start saying the people. I'll be like, hey, I'm trying to put my house in order. Can somebody give me Kevin Hart's number?

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to have it until I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not the same one now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know it's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I remember I thought I didn't have it and I did. He just didn't answer. Yeah, I go. He changed phones, clearly. Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to give a shout out to a very funny, hilarious, and also great guy, Jerry Rocha.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He lived here for a minute, New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was hilarious, funny. He had a great YouTube Facebook page. He did a bunch of silly stuff with video games. And, you know, I. I mean, one of my favorite people to work with on the road. He was fucking solid guy, man. He was. He's. He. And I don't know, he is maybe still alive, but if you're listening Here or up there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit, I forgot. Terminator timelines. It's Thursday. He's dead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus. Jay. Jay. Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? That's the problem with doing that Tony timeline.

[Jacob]

I mean, he does have a point.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shut up, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, so I guess we'll say is rest in peace or congratulations your miraculous recovery. It's a miracle. Either way, let's be prepared for both.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, look, you can cut this later, right, and just make it sound like we got the one. Like the right one. Jerry, congratulations on your unbelievable recovery.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you go and see if the medical science.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you. I prayed. The Jewish God. Bobby prayed to the other one.

[Bobby Kelly]

My. I prayed to aa God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jacob]

Now the other one, huh? Now the. Sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit, sorry. Goes to Jerry and his family. My condolences. You're gonna be sorely missed. Yeah, you were hilarious guy. And most importantly, a great guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Great guy.

[Jacob]

Goodbye, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus, goodbye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, go on to that big top in the sky.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if I keep still keeping getting text from him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope he stays in touch with you in the. In the nether world.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, nether. The nether.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I hope that he. Because I think he's gonna be. No, he's gonna be in between, I think. No, I'd like him to haunt you until you can help correct whatever he left behind. His unfinished business.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think he had no kids. He didn't have anything like that. He was just a funny guy and make God laugh. Yeah, he's making God laugh now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope I'm up there with. He might have a face. Richard, Jenny, purple, Chris Farley.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't forget Robin Williams.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Old redneck Robin Williams. He's swinging with his wang in his hand.

[Jacob]

John Panett, I'd like to think John Panette.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you stay fat in heaven. I don't think they judge you in heaven.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They don't judge you. You can stay. You're still fat in heaven, but you move light as air. And women aren't not attracted to fat there.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they give you smaller wings. They give you very itty bitty wings.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All the women, the most beautiful women are. Are completely still attracted to the fattest, snuggliest guys. But no ugly chicks in heaven.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

It's all inner beauty in heaven.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. Not for the chicks. I won't allow that.

[Jacob]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not gonna have some good personality fat. So wings can't get her off the ground. It's not the heaven. That's not my heaven. Yeah, my heaven's Fat John Panette and me crushing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And all the. Smells like bubble gum. There's no smell up there. It's all bubble gums.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is probably helping people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you're listening, whether that's on a radio or in this room right now, we love you and we miss you, bud.

[Bobby Kelly]

Love you, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And if you're still alive, thank God I don't miss you yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is he. I don't see any death dates on things that I'm searching, so he must be still alive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Should we get his last interview? Get him on the horn?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he can't breathe.

[Jacob]

He's in the.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's in the. He's connected to the tubes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you think if we call his phone, it's gonna. The computers up?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to. Whoever's in the room, I don't know. It might be the last moment, it might be the last minutes. And then the phone comes on. Hey, dude, can you call into the bonfire 866.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How great would that be if you're there for it? He was like, I think I see a light. And then we're, like, telling the go. Like, we're go. We send them into the. We send them off. Right?

[Jacob]

It does. It does say a lot about a personality to say. To give you that information that Chris did. Like, I'm probably right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I tell you this.

[Jacob]

I'd probably be right if I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I was aware of my. Of my last hours alive, I would definitely call on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I would expect that from you, and I would do the same thing. But calling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Should I go? I go, it's getting weird. I think I can't feel anything. I'm seeing things, but it can't be real. You're gonna be like, who is it? I'll go, it's young Pam Anderson. She's still alive. I go, I know. I'm just thinking about stuff and getting hard. I don't want to show up to heaven with my soft dinghy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would suck. If you go to heaven and you're naked, everybody's naked as is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, what a nightmare. I'd open up a restaurant called Tummy Time, so everybody gets to lay on their bellies. No one looks at my little wiener.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody. Everybody's just on this stomach.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everyone's on their tummies. Our tussies are in the air, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to get. They have little carts on little railroad tracks. You have to get on the cart outside in, like, a dressing room, and then they wheel you in to your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Table, and then they pick you up like. Like a corpse. They grab blanket underneath or the sheet underneath you and transport you onto the. Your seat. Your seat, which is a little bed. Like a firm bed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With tummy time with a couple of pillows for underneath your armpits.

[Bobby Kelly]

That sounds like a great restaurant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, tummy time, the restaurant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. Is there any group of people that eat on their tummy? Is that must be like a. A thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I say fat people in hotel rooms. Although I was talking to another fat comedian. He was saying in his hotel room, the beds always get up because he's an Indian style crisscross applesauce eater. On the bed. No, if I'm sitting up to eat, I'm gonna sit in the chair.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I'm. I used to sit up to eat on the bed, but I would prop the pillows up, sit up, and then I'd put a towel, the big towel over my stomach and use my stomach as a napkin slash table when I was fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Man, that's fucking. Did you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you ever get a look at yourself, like in one of the mirrors in the room and think like, you should kill yourself instead of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, oh. I mean, on a weekly basis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, when you look at the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Towel decisions like that, like when you just get the complete given sellout to a thing about yourself, it's just like, awful is be so bad. Like, and I've gotten plenty of those in my life. I'm like, yeah, you got to put the belt under the belly line or I'm going to get a little bit of a rub mark.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I remember looking at towels after and it looked like, just. Just stained with sauces and duck sauce and soy sauce.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, in the hotel room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I've definitely. I do, I do tummy time, but I put a towel down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Under the food. So there is one towel in my room always. It's gonna have like ketchup.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Like a murder.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Soy sauce for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Looks like a murder.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Well, also, the healthier. The healthier you try to eat, like the worst the thing's gonna look because it's like a sushi I've done sushi for. And you're like, exactly. It's gonna be soy sauce with soy sauce wasabi drag across the pillowcase.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's what. You know what I do? I take all the towels. I take the. The food towel that I used with the stains, the weird stains on it that you can't. Some maid is gonna have to Figure out a crime scene.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, we're probably just gonna throw it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wrap them all up in the towels together because I know she's just gonna commit. I. I take all the towels, put them in a corner, wrap them all together. So she just comes in. She just has to grab one big batch of towels.

[Jacob]

The.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Which is so hilariously unadult. The. My favorite unadult thing that I do in hotels is I take. As soon as I get in the hotel room, I take one towel. Still like a teenager. Believe this is the case. I wet. I wet it long ways.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, I fold in half twice. Long ways.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then wet it on the edge, put it under the door in front of the door frames. I still believe that's what makes weed smoke stay in the room. And then at the end of the weekend, my last thing before I leave the room always is to grab that towel and unfurl it and, like, throw it on the floor of the bathroom. Like, messy so it doesn't look like it was being, like, used for that. It's always my last move.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a kick of towel and then the. But I do the same thing with anyone that's got food stuff on it that's getting wrapped in the. In the one that's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

All my jizz towels get moved. I. I do a. Do a face cloth jizz guy or the. The little tiny square hand towel. Like, do you do the. The long face cloth hand towel, or do you do the face cloth?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I like. I finish, and then I, like, use the. My hand around my wiener to, like, squeegee the last little bit out of the hole. And then I go to the. Get up and run to the bathroom and just. Just tissue paper.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, just tissue paper.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And, you know, you could also, like, rinse it in the sink.

[Bobby Kelly]

After that, I like the long towel. I wet a quarter of it because I like to have that part clean up the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I get rid of. I get my DNA out of that room. I don't leave it on all the stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I leave it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. That's why you've been. Many crimes coming your way, buddy. A lot of people are pinning stuff on you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's why I left my hand towel on your doorknob. And you grabbed it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're such an. I didn't grab it. Joe derosa grabbed it. I knew what you were doing. He didn't know you well enough yet. I'm like, that's definitely a cometal. And he goes, no. And he just called us laughing. No culture primarily eats while lying completely on their tummy today. Or historic prone position. I'm not going to call it that. I'm not going to say that I spend time in prone position. That's for girls to get fucked in. That's what that means. Prone bone. The practice is widely considered impractical for eating a meal, and it is generally not good for digestion. However, the ancient Greeks and Romans, which I do compare myself in a lot of ways to. Of the upper classes. Thank you. Famously ate while reclining on couches, propped up on one elbow. Now, now, they used to have the cre.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is the. The. The. What is that thing called the goritorium, or what was it called where they would just. Just eat until they puked?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vomitorium.

[Bobby Kelly]

Vomitorium, yeah. That's interesting. I wish they still had those around. Why? Just. It'd be fun to just go to one night and just eat until you throw up into a bucket. I mean, I've done it anyways.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you eaten until you've thrown up, Buddy, I've.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never thrown.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You've thrown up from overeating?

[Bobby Kelly]

I've. I've eaten so much that I didn't throw up like that, but I threw up in the middle of the night, like, while I was sleeping. Like, threw up in my mouth, like. Like, as. I had too much. I just ate too much. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's gross.

[Jacob]

John Bonham with food, though. Throwing up food in your food while you're sleeping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Food is my drug of choice for a minute. I mean, for a long time. When I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When I see Bobby snort a hamburger.

[Jacob]

Oh, I'm. It's dangerous. You're vomiting in your sleep. Food is crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no big deal. So what? The guy mainlined hot mustard sauce.

[Bobby Kelly]

A lot of Thanksgivings, I'd wake up in the middle of the night just because my. My Thanksgiving thing I would eat with. I would eat. I'd wake up, get the turkey liver fried up in the pan with some butter and onions, and then get a fried egg and put that in that. I'd eat that for breakfast limit at this party. And then I would. Then we go into the snack portion, which is type. Putting out the chips and the onion dip and the charcuterie. Eat that. And then dinner came and I'd Already. I'd always have two servings of everything. And then I'd wait till everybody left, and I always got Italian bread, and I would make a turkey sandwich with turkey stuffing, cranberry sauce.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's called a cobbler.

[Jacob]

And we never asked you about, like, holiday eating. That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Holiday eating for me. And then I. But I always have a bag of chips, a plan. So I would have a sandwich and everybody be in bed, and I would watch a movie with my turkey sandwich. My. What did you call it? A gobbler.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My God, that's what Wawa calls it. With the stuffing and.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the. The cranberry sauce. It had to be Italian bread, though. I always got Italian bread because I like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And that's what they do. The gobbler on I. My after Thanksgiving turkey meal that I love is strangely. I do four slices of bread open, a little bit of mayo on the bread. Turkey, white meat turkey, exclusively on black meat. And then it's called dark meat. And then it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's the tastiest meat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you got that clean, black meat. Bobby Kelly is in New Orleans right now. It's Gang Fest. Come smoke a cigar with him. Everyone's welcome in the cigar.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nobody. Nobody's welcome.

[Bobby Kelly]

Artists only.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And only artists who smoke cigars.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I mean, of course, only white.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Artists who smoke cigars. You can go, well, he's not an artist.

[Bobby Kelly]

He is. He's an artist. He's in our show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a dick artist.

[Jacob]

Christine gives us crew badges, huh? Not talent badges.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get a crew badge.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but even though I perform, I guess not to her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, wow. That's nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

After that, Bobby's gonna be at the Comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island, November 21st and 22nd. And Uncle Vinny's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, December 5th and 6th for tickets. And all the tour dates go to Punch Up Live, Slash, Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Big J is going to be, of course, at Skank Fest because he owns a part of Skank Fest, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's enough to pay for parking this week.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he's going to be in Salt Lake City for tickets and all the tour dates. BigJ comedy.com and go to YouTube.com Big J Okerson for his lives and his specials. Them, they. And everything's up there. So. And one more. Shout out to Jerry Rocha.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shout out to the late or still with us, Jerry Rocha.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, I hope he's right now rocking out with Jimi Hendrix or at home listening to Jimi Hendrix. Either way, I'd like to think Jimi Hendrix is involved.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're out of here. We'll see you guys next week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're off next week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

After skankfus, we all have to recover. We're gonna be dead. So we'll be back in a week, right? Right. Fresh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fresh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All healed up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Healed up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby back from Canada.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. Going to Canada and then Rhode Island.

[Jacob]

Our Skank Fest show will air the Thursday, the week we get back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So, yes, make sure you go see me and Bobby in Providence.

[Jacob]

Oh, no, Wednesday. Sorry, Providence.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And make sure you come see me in Salt Lake City.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, after.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's Thanksgiving weekend. I'll be in Philly. You know that. If we'll catch you guys, then. Enjoy your week. Enjoy Skank Fest. Go Birds. Go Sixers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go Patriots. Go Celtics and Bruins.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not tonight, though. Not. Not go Celtics tonight. Oh, it already happened. That's happening on the live show. Bye.

[Bobby Kelly]

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