Looking For Daddy

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Looking For Daddy
Air Date: February 10, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk (NYC Studio)

---

Episode Overview

This episode is classic Bonfire: unfiltered, off-the-cuff, and hilarious, as Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly go deep into their personal lives, unspool outrageous stories, and riff their way through macho insecurity, childhood trauma, bad fashion decisions, masculinity, and the boundaries of male friendship. The episode is dominated by raucous banter about body image, cars as substitute status symbols, father figures (and their failures), and—most memorably—a deranged extended bit about butthole tattoos that spirals into discussions on sexuality, molestation, and ultra-bro intimacy, all rendered with the duo’s signature mix of deadpan raunch and genuine vulnerability.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Skinny Jeans, Fat Guys, and Illusions of Youth

[01:41–05:13]

• Robert Kelly contemplates buying “girl jeans” (skinny jeans) after seeing himself look baggy and unflattering in photos, inspired by Billy Bob Thornton. Jay quickly shoots the idea down, warning, “Fats have tried this before in their life” (02:14).
• They joke about how fat guys in skinny jeans look like "a meatball on toothpicks” (02:55) and reminisce about influencer culture, name-dropping Jake and Logan Paul and their cringe-worthy Team 10 days.

Memorable Quotes:

• Big Jay: “You become a meatball on toothpicks.” (02:55)
• Robert Kelly: “I don’t want to look like an outdoor d’ oeuvre.” (03:17)

2. Influencer Houses & Car Culture Satire

[05:13–10:57]

• The group riffs on the idea of comics having their own “influencer house” and making a bad rap video, complete with skinny jeans and Lamborghinis.
• Jay shares an awkward story about feeling guilty getting into a Lamborghini due to his weight, humorously fearing he’ll break the car: “I’m going to feel guilty the first minor bump we hit, and my side drags your muffler off.” (06:42)
• They lightly mock male car fantasies—Rolls Royces, vintage Stingrays, Maybachs—and poke fun at “driver’s gloves” as a sign of douchebaggery.

Notable Quote:

• Robert Kelly: “Anytime you see a Corvette on the road, look in the car. You’re gonna see a guy that looks just like me driving it.” (10:57)

3. Father Figures, Spite, and Midlife Goals

[10:57–13:14]

• The hosts discuss their relationships with their fathers (biological and step), and how those experiences shaped their adult insecurities and desires ("my stepdad used to hit me...he blamed me and my sister for not being able to get a Corvette").
• Jay quips that pursuing a spite purchase like a Corvette “is all worthless,” injecting humor into the bleakness of intergenerational trauma.

Notable Quote:

• Robert Kelly: “I’ll get it because that fucking piece of shit who used to beat me got it, but he wound up too fat to fit in it.” (11:57)

4. Masculinity, Abuse, and the 'Looking For Daddy' Tattoo Bit

[13:14–25:36]

• The episode’s core bit is born as Jay riffs: “I should get ‘Looking for Daddy’ tattooed around my asshole. Above my asshole: ‘LOOKING’, F-R on either side, so my asshole’s the ‘O’, and around the bottom: ‘DADDY’.” (15:26)
• A graphic, side-splittingly funny (and intentionally tasteless) collaborative description follows—with the whole cast contributing intricate design notes for the tattoo, including discussion about seam placement, font choice, hand positioning (“Hands holding it open”), anatomical realism, and how fans can earn studio visits or show tickets by actually getting the tattoo.
• The broader subtext is a comic exorcism of childhood wounds and boundary-pushing male camaraderie.

Memorable Material:

• The “art critique” sequence where Robert and Jay break down the artistic merit, shading, and accuracy of Jay's butthole drawing. E.g.:
  • Big Jay: “When drawing a dick, guys, no matter what perspective, you always gotta do a little indentation for the pee hole.” (33:13)
  • Robert Kelly: “If somebody does wind up getting this, you get to come into the studio whenever you want.” (32:14)

5. Tattoos, Fan Contests, and Charity: Taking the Joke to Absurd Levels

[25:36–42:24]

• The cast debates what they’d offer a fan who actually gets the “Looking for Daddy” tattoo—access to the studio, free tickets, or even potential third-mic status for the most extreme version.
• Jay pitches forming a mock charity to pay for “looking for daddy” tattoos for molested adults, including “six weeks of aftercare.”

6. Male G-Spot and the Limits of Hetero-bro Intimacy

[42:24–55:55]

• The episode shifts as the group tries to convince Lou to let someone find his “male G-spot” (prostate) on air, with a running bet escalating to $5,000.
• Lou resists, citing his aversion to butt play, but is cajoled with “science” talk and ribald encouragement. Kelly and Jay debate anatomical diagrams and finger technique while riffing about “tantric” discovery and who is qualified to do the deed.
• The ongoing subtext: How far will straight guys go to prove they’re not afraid of homoerotic vulnerability—or to win a bet?

Choice Exchange:

• Big Jay: “The only reason I call it asshole finger is because it’s weirder to call it a turd simulator.” (45:11)
• Robert Kelly: "Did you know that men can come more than one time?" (46:48)
• Big Jay: "You want me to show you yours with my fingers and dick?” (47:01)

7. Prostate Knowledge, Anatomy Lessons, and Vulgar Visuals

[55:55–59:10]

• The group delves into anatomical diagrams, learning about vas deferens and prostate fluid, playfully one-upping each other with knowledge about male climax.
• Reaffirmation that if a fan gets “Looking for Daddy” tattooed, they’ll be welcomed as heroes on the show.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• “You become a meatball on toothpicks.” – Big Jay ([02:55])
• “Anytime you see a Corvette on the road, you’re gonna see a guy that looks just like me driving it.” – Robert Kelly ([10:57])
• “I should get ‘Looking for Daddy’ tattooed around my asshole…” – Big Jay ([15:26])
• Artistic Anatomy Tip:
  • Big Jay: “When drawing a dick… you always gotta do a little indentation for the pee hole.” ([33:13])
• On fan tattoo contest:
  • Robert Kelly: “If somebody does wind up getting this, you get to come into the studio whenever you want.” ([32:14])
  • Big Jay: “…if you get the entire tattoo… you might be third mic of the show.” ([40:07])
• On G-spot exploration:
  • Big Jay: “The only reason I call it asshole finger is because it’s weirder to call it a turd simulator.” ([45:11])
  • Robert Kelly: "Did you know that men can come more than one time?" ([46:48])
  • Big Jay: “You want me to show you yours with my fingers and dick?” ([47:01])
• Closing Anatomy Lesson:
  • Katie Nolan reads: “The fluid released is primarily prostate fluid, not typical semen containing high concentrations of sperm.” ([58:35])
• Episode Tagline:
  • Robert Kelly: “That should be your next album—Vast Deference. And mine will be Prostate Fluid.” ([59:10])

---

Recurring Themes & Tone

• Vulnerability Masked by Humor: Beneath the relentless ball-busting, both Jay and Bobby share genuine stories of insecurity, difficult childhoods, and evolving standards of masculinity.
• Raunch as Catharsis: The show’s open talk about trauma, abuse, and sexuality is crass but purposeful, using humor as a coping mechanism.
• Absurdist Satire: As is trademark for Bonfire, the men escalate their bits from the merely irreverent into the gleefully grotesque, always in service of the laugh.

---

Useful Segment Timestamps

• [01:41] – Skinny jeans and body image
• [05:13] – Influencer house and rap video fantasy
• [08:20] – Dream cars, masculinity, and “dad” baggage
• [13:14] – “Looking for Daddy” tattoo segment begins
• [25:28] – Fan contest: tattoo, tickets, and charity riff
• [34:47] – Scrotum detail and art notes
• [42:24] – Prostate/G-spot “science” & wage negotiations
• [55:07] – Prostate vs. semen, anatomy lesson, and wrap up

---

For Listeners Who Didn’t Tune In

This episode is a quintessential example of The Bonfire’s fearless and juvenile—but oddly sincere—chemistry. It’s relentless, graphic, and occasionally poignant, turning embarrassment and personal history into comedy gold. A standout episode for fans of unfiltered humor, grotesque bits, and real talk about what it means to be a man, a survivor, and eternally a kid at heart.

---

Note:
All ads, non-content breaks, and promos have been omitted.
Original language, tone, and intent have been faithfully preserved, focusing on the depth, laughs, and friendship at the show’s heart.

Transcript

[Katie Nolan]

You're juggling a lot, but you can still squeeze in a financial plan with the Northwestern Mutual financial advisor as your partner. It's not only possible, it's personalized. So if you're tying the knot, closing on a house, or welcoming a little one, you'll be ready for whatever life tosses your way. It's the right time to feel less stressed and more certain. That's a better way to money. Let's get [e-mail] the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Did you know about 1 in 3 people with plaque psoriasis may also develop psoriatic arthritis, which causes joint pain, stiffness and swelling. Does this sound like you? Listen to what it sounds like to be a million miles away. Trymphyia gusocomab, taken by injection is a prescription medicine for adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis who may benefit from taking injections or pills or phototherapy. And for adults with active psoriatic arthritis, serious allergic reactions and increased risk of infections and liver problems may occur. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu like symptoms, or if you need a vaccine. Imagine being a million miles away. Explore what's possible. Ask your doctor about tremphya. Tap this ad to learn more about tremphya, including important safety information.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, do I have to get up and do my thing?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, can you do it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My pants are too tight.

[Robert Kelly]

Can't do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't do it. I can't do my move.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I'm gonna take Billy Bob Thornton advice and get some girl jeans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because my lower torso is very thin and I. I saw a photo myself and my. My jeans are very baggy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's try it. Let's see what happens, buddy. Bobby, my little thin jeans. Skinny jean. What do they call them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

People have done this before. Fats have tied this before in their life.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby almost made me spit my. My, my body brain out in your face. I just gave fats of tri.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think I would have gotten testosterone boost through my eyes?

[Robert Kelly]

Fats have tried this before.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The fats have tried this many times before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, it never works out. The skinny jean fat guy.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to be thin up top.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have to be so thin up top.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. So I gotta wait.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like a Lewis build would work better in skinny. They would look terrible on him.

[Robert Kelly]

They do. He has skinny jeans and it looks like he has birthing Hips.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but.

[Robert Kelly]

Because he literally turns into like a big Mexican woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he's not. But he's not what me and you.

[Robert Kelly]

Become, Bobby, he's like the Rock's mom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What me and you become is a meatball on toothpicks. You know what I'm saying? Lewis can be like. Lewis can come like a melting thing of ice cream, but me and you look like it's bad.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that, though? That looks pretty good there, right, Jay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's AI.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's a. All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, just said it's AI.

[Robert Kelly]

God damn it. I didn't see that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And those aren't even skinny jeans.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I don't want to look like a meatball on toothpicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There was a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want to look like an outdoor. A d' oeuvre.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We used to follow on the show years ago. Before. Before the Paul brothers went. Became respected members of sports entertainment.

[Robert Kelly]

They really are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They are. Before that, when they were just a crew of. In a house. I think probably date raping their girlfriends.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably. Probably. Probably.

[Robert Kelly]

And you know. And you know, messing with sacred Japanese ground.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. And also probably trying gay stuff with each other. All this. All the stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

You think?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They had an influencer house that they all lived in.

[Robert Kelly]

Which we should get, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We should get one of their friends in that. If you could bring up what's the Team 10 video? It's everyday, bro. If you watch this video, this is Jake, Paul and them when they thought they were little rappers at their influencer house. You'll see the guy who you become quick. And you remember this, Jacob? This is a. I said. I named the guy. I called this guy. I said this guy's name is. Guys, wait up. Because you could see. Yeah, go ahead, play it. Play the video. Give a little taste.

[Robert Kelly]

Get to work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nighttime outside in the video. You could jump ahead once it's the nighttime.

[Lou]

Those are the two shithead twins that used to cry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the crying shithead twins.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you're about to see him. There he is, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

There he is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be guys weighed up. Look at him. He has to stand by teenage boys, point at them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it sucks. He still has to wear a jacket though, to hide that side fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Look how far his shirt's coming out from his pants. This guy you're going to try to get me to believe just come. Came out of that Lamborghini Countach. I doubt it. I doubt it. I don't see scuff marks on the wheel wells. Because that's what would happen if he got in that.

[Robert Kelly]

So funny that this would. If me and you tried to pull something, like, it'd be the end of our career.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

They did it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

True.

[Jacob]

He's also segregated.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's get an influencer house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, an influencer house. We could definitely make a rap video.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's get it in a bad neighborhood, though, like, in, like, Newark by, like, a. And just have the outside be shitty, but the inside be sick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hear me out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If we pool our money together. Yes. We together can be, like, an influencer.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, to get. I can't get a fucking Lamborghini with fucking, like, Nickelodeon paint all over it. I can't. You can't? Nope. Together, I think we can.

[Robert Kelly]

We could get a used Lamborghini.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not gonna be used. We have to go new. You have to go. We have to get custom job, the whole thing. But we got to do it together.

[Robert Kelly]

Like I said, we'll get a new one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What about two used ones?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not every day, bro.

[Jacob]

They're renting Lamborghinis.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. They rent all this.

[Jacob]

They're all renting.

[Robert Kelly]

We just rent it for the video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For the video? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

We're not going to. Well, we can't drive it, first of all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There'd be a fantastic video of me and you in skinny jeans and a Lamborghini. Countach is really funny trying to get out. Oh, my God. We're like sardines.

[Robert Kelly]

We'd have to have, like, helpers get us out and in the car.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We need the Jaws of Life to get us out of the car without an accident. We need. Yeah, guys. I knew I had a feeling I shouldn't have closed the door when I sat down, but I did anyway. I fucked up. I knew I should have not closed the door, but I did close the door.

[Robert Kelly]

And we'd have to get those, you know, the little cranes at the pools for the crippled people. We'd have to have one of those at our house just to get us in and out of the car.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. I got in a guy's Lamborghini outside of Nashville Zanies. And I said. He goes, you want me to take you around the block? I went, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he was like, no, you don't want to see if I go, no, no, no. I go. Because I'm not. I'm going to feel guilty. The first minor bump we hit, and my side of the car drags Your muffler off. He's going to go, oh, speed bump. I'm gonna go, fuck. That was probably me, dude. I feel like that was on my side. I feel like it was right under me. If I'm being honest. If I'm being completely honest, I think it's right.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like going to Home Depot, putting cement in the back of your truck. I don't like those cars. Lamborghinis, all those little fast little cars. I hate them. They're the most uncomfortable ride.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I thought you were gonna say ugly because not no. They're so beautiful and cool looking. But I have no and I understand the Josh Adam Myers a Jacob being like, yo, I'm super into like exotic sport car ideas. Cause like you'll look cool in them because it's like around you, you know what I mean? Like it's gonna, if I got in any sports car I feel like I'm gonna look like it's gonna seem like one of those old cars, you know where there is no windshield. You're just sitting out of it like a gentleman.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you're gonna look like magilla.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gorilla driving gloves and maybe a driving, maybe a driving scarf. I mean I wear like some leather goggles over my eyes when I drive it. Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm going to look at it.

[Jacob]

Keep the crank in the back, the engine.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to have a blanket over your lap like Jacob in the studio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I don't catch diphtheria.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never got into one of these cars. I remember Dane had the, the James Bond Aston Martin and I got. I, I hate it. I hated getting it every. Just driving your head, two seats. It was loud, obnoxious. It would pop it like you stop signs and it sucked getting in and out. It was not comfortable. It was annoying. If I was rich, I would get a Rolls Royce and I'd get a driver. I'd rather pay a driver to get me like a, maybe a Mercedes or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybach.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, maybe. Is it Maybach? Yeah, that where I could sit in the back seat in luxury, go to sleep.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't Maybach. Isn't Maybach involved in 15 different kinds of cars though? I've heard people say Maybach. Oh they versions like an Eddie Bauer edition of a car. They have a Maybach version of a car. It's like a Maybach Mercedes, right? Yes, Maybach is Mercedes. But like yes I do.

[Robert Kelly]

I would like if I could get any of these little shitty cars. The Corvette Stingray, the old one the old one. I do like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Corvette Stingray. My dad, did he really? Which dad?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Biological.

[Robert Kelly]

Biological dad. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, my stepdad, that was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In lieu of birthday presents.

[Robert Kelly]

My stepdad, the one that used to hit me. That was his dream car.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was.

[Robert Kelly]

He had the Monte Carlo SS with the spoke wheels. And he used to make me wash the car with him. That was like my treat. And then I'd get a ride and he was like, someday I'm gonna. If I. Because of you guys, I can't get my Corvette. He used to blame me and my sister.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is because of the Two of you.

[Robert Kelly]

100. He was right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, he was bleeding him dry.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, we were expensive to have kids that aren't yours. There. Right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd hit you too.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, look at that thing. Shark. Love it. 18,000. Jay, buy that for me, okay? Get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

76. Good luck getting parts. Hope that. Hope those. By the way, it's not in great condition.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the thing with these cars. Not. Not that fast. Some of them, they're not really.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they just. They look like, you know, it's like a. Like one of those Mustangs. They really. They were just cool looking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My buddy John has a. Always had a Corvette in his adult life would be his like, car. And he's the one that's in the military.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's just so, like. It really is. It goes along with the mentality of like, military as well. Do you know? I mean, it's like I want to pull up in a fucking Corvette, American made muscle car. And then, you know, getting in my fucking Apache helicopter. Such an American thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Anytime you see a Corvette on the road, look in the car. You're gonna see a guy that looks just like me driving it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

A gray beard, bald.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, not this. Not my buddy John. He's through all me now. He's my age or he's two years older than me.

[Robert Kelly]

Most guys that get those car are dudes like me. At some point they get an extra 20. You just go buy one of these. I saw one guy, dude, I almost fucking pulled over and beat him up. He had driver's gloves on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, perfect.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, you fucking piece of shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you're mad at him because you don't have a Leathersmith.

[Robert Kelly]

You're in the middle lane on a Highway doing 55 and you're wearing driver's gloves, you fucking loser. Your wife sucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And maybe a cap, maybe a nice cap on his head.

[Robert Kelly]

I will get one of the. I will. I Will get one of those Corvettes before I die. Even if it's for a year, just to have it. Yeah, well, that. I want to get it because that fucking piece of shit that used to beat me got it. He wound up getting one. It was. Made me very happy that he was too fat to fit in it. He had to sell it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

He got too fat. But I would like to get one just because that was his thing. He blamed me for not being able to get this stupid car. And I would like to just get it and have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you gonna tell him?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'm gonna go to his house. I'm gonna actually give it to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's the point of getting the spite thing if it doesn't? It's not gonna settle anything in your mind.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not gonna settle anything. But it will actually make me feel good that I get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta get it.

[Robert Kelly]

I worked that hard. I have a kid. I have a family and I got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's all worthless.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it is all worthless.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All those things you're saying is completely worthless. To get to what you're trying to do with it.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes you can have fun with worthless. Go with them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, those. No, no.

[Jacob]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You can kill this dream or you could be part of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I will not be part of it.

[Robert Kelly]

Buy it for me so I can live this dream out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll buy it for you if you use it. Bobby, you're talking a bunch of Nancy nonsense. I'm talking about taking it out there.

[Robert Kelly]

You almost spit my body green. What are you doing today?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And exchange and an exact revenge. You take the Stingray and you go to his house. You drive through his. You drive through his front window.

[Robert Kelly]

You drive through his porch and then fucking teabag him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Teabag him. Do a burnout. Fucking French kiss his new wife.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Suck his dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Suck his dick a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Suck his dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tell him, like, why wouldn't you molest me? Would you rather him hit you or have to suck his dick?

[Robert Kelly]

I'd rather get hit. I'd rather get hit than get my dick sucked by him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really? Get your dick sucked by him? Well, would you rather get hit or have you suck his dick?

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's where I was going with it. I put.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me take the him out. That was very specific. I hear what you're saying. I would rather get hit than get molested. Yeah, Always. By anybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I don't want to.

[Lou]

Yeah, I don't want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta get viciously beat and molested by a woman.

[Robert Kelly]

I. Well, you talk.

[Lou]

A woman.

[Robert Kelly]

A woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you said. By anyone, you said.

[Robert Kelly]

I meant any man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Any man.

[Robert Kelly]

Any man. I'd rather get hit. At least you get some. You know, you get a little hardened from. Helped me out later.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you're gonna get hard either way.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? Let me recant that. Jacob, stop it. Why? What would you rather. You'd rather get molested than hit?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I guess I'd rather get hit.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you ever get hit? You ever get beat?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Never beat.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you ever get molested?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

No one molested you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. I was right there for it too. Daddy issues. Looking for it out there?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My step pop could have wailed on my ass if he wanted to. But you know what? Too much of a pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

That sucks, man. I'm sorry. You never got molested.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You hear that, Joe? If you're out there listening. You were too much of a pussy to molest me. I wouldn't have said nothing. I wouldn't even look weird at you across the table when we were having dinner or anything. I would just been like. I would just put it away. I was. Tucked it deep away.

[Robert Kelly]

You've been practicing getting molested since you're a little kid. That's what tummy time's all about. You're still waiting for that guy to come in and absolutely stick it in your butt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In a hotel room, tummy time wide open. Sometimes in a. This is a little confession session here. Sometimes in a hotel room, midday, I'll just fucking pooh Bear it completely. Dick and balls. No, just. Just waist down, shirt on, shirt on, dick and balls out, legs wide. Really letting my asshole and ball bag breathe.

[Robert Kelly]

Just waiting for one of your dads to come in maybe and finish the job that he never did. Maybe. That sucks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Looking for daddy.

[Robert Kelly]

So sad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should get that tattooed around my asshole. Looking for daddy. It'll be. It'll say, above my asshole looking, and then f R on either side. So my asshole's the O looking for daddy. Around the bottom of the circle.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a fucking great tattoo. I want to draw it before I forget it. Was there any woman out there that would get that tattoo?

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, you ever get molested?

[Jacob]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

God damn. Are you sure?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You have molestation, like vibes.

[Lou]

No.

[Jacob]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Lou, black people don't molest, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they do.

[Robert Kelly]

They do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I have not.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Didn't you ever see Precious? They totally do.

[Robert Kelly]

They molested. I never saw the movie. They molested the big girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her mom was molesting her.

[Robert Kelly]

Molesting the. The fat one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was making her eat her pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was pretty crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, thank God it wasn't the other way around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

If she made the mom eat her pussy. The mom was like, I want to eat your pussy now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the mom was Monique, so either way, you're getting a pretty fat, ugly pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a good point. You have to lift something up to get to it. Lou, you ever get molested?

[Lou]

Nah. Boring.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, me neither.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, you did get molested, didn't you? And you're dying to tell us.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who was he?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And do you still send him birthday cards?

[Robert Kelly]

I do, but we send, like, funny ones. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because you're over now. You're adults. It's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, last year it was. I actually dressed up like. I dressed up the day he molested me. And I was like, hey. I just said, hey, remember this? Happy birthday. It's our birthday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

I sent it to him on the molestation day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is going to be all the rage of a tattoo. Please take this, inspect it, and tell me if you think this. That more than one person world would get this. Now if you could describe please what you see.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it is a firm, bubbly buttocks. I get credit on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's bending over.

[Robert Kelly]

Bending over. Nice little putt. Not too full, not too small, not too big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, from behind. So you see it's ball bag in the foreground. Jacob, you'll notice I put the ball bag in the foreground and the dick coming from behind.

[Robert Kelly]

You'll see, it's great. But you also, what you did, do you put an uneven seam, which I do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like I put the seam going a little sideways. And also, if you notice, I. You are seeing the underside of a dick helmet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you got the helmet and you got the seam. And the seam is nice because if one ball is like bigger than the other, which balls are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's the way he's sitting.

[Robert Kelly]

One's hanging a little lower, which I do appreciate. And then you go right to the hole. There's a hole. An asshole with, I mean, he. The attention to detail. He put the little. Little wrinkles around. The asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wouldn't be an asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, some guys might just put the hole. But that's not an asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's stupid.

[Robert Kelly]

You have the little wrinkles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wish you just had an asshole jetting out of flat skin. It's impossible.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you have the above the asshole wrinkles, which I do appreciate. Not in the wrinkles. Above the wrinkle. Looking with a capital L. Not all capitals, which I think would be too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did I not do all capitals? I thought I did. It should all be capitals if I made a mistake.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it looks like little O's and a little. No, it is all capitals. Here you got. But the little O's. You might have made a little bigger. I'm sorry. I like it with the big L. I like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And then capital F on the left side of the shrinka. Capital right on the right side of the balloon knot. And then underneath D, A, D, D, Y. Just the accuracy where the lettering is placed is gorgeous. Looking for Daddy. You know what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just one more second, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

I would maybe make the F and the R a little bigger to match the asshole. You made the asshole like a big O.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I think the big problem, what I'm doing here is I gotta make like some hand.

[Robert Kelly]

Hand holding it open.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's holding the asshole. Why would his asshole be so taut? You know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

And put a little crease up at the top to show the separation. Maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe the separation up the top.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a little line like that. You know what I mean? I mean, just. It's just. I mean, look, creatively, you do what you want. You're the artist. I'm just saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're just thinking a little more line.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a little line up at the top just to show me. This is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The cheeks are opening here. Cheeks are maybe a little up the bottom too, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe a little bit. Yes, sir.

[Jacob]

Sorry. Are you wearing a Kelly Clarkson T shirt that just says Kelly, Kelly Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mrs. Kelly Kelly?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it says, I would never do that. It's Mrs. Kelly Kelly because that's her name. That will be her name someday when we get her in here. It's called Mrs. Kelly Kelly.

[Jacob]

So if you.

[Robert Kelly]

If you say it, if you see it, you can have it. You understand how that works?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm putting it in the universe that someday, maybe she might not be. We might not get married, but we will have some type of affair, some type of Dallas. I want a dalliance with Kelly Clark.

[Jacob]

She takes your last name. It's more than a dalliance, you know.

[Robert Kelly]

This is just Italians.

[Jacob]

I meant something to her.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to put it out there like, you know, as much as I can to get something. You understand? You don't always get what. You don't get what you want. You get what you need. Thank God you don't get what you deserve. Right, Lou? Come on, guys. Yeah. This is my shirt. T shirt, Kevin. Oh, she looks so happy as Mrs. Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Unlike my wife, who has a face like she smells but she doesn't know where it is pretty much all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She'll find it when she comes in. Bobby, how would you like us as producers to big you up?

[Robert Kelly]

I want you to just say. I don't want you to. I don't want it to go crazy. I just want you to say that there's one of the hosts of the show. One of the hosts of the show is. Has been a fan of yours forever, thinks you're one of the best singers on the planet and is really just loves everything you do. And this means so much to him that you're coming in, but you have to describe me. You have to say it's the bald one. I don't want her to come in and think it's Jay for a second.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean? And then when Jay says some snarky art about her and it tips me and do small.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean? You might, you might do. Not the way I behave, but you're always trying to get the funny. And I want you to, like, present it like that. Don't go overboard because I don't want to scare her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I made some basic fixes.

[Robert Kelly]

He made first of all. Basic fixes. You put your face in it, which is great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yep. I, I between the legs. You know, I'm bending over completely.

[Robert Kelly]

And you made an O face like. Oh, put it in here, dad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I'm looking for daddy.

[Robert Kelly]

You made a little, little more crease up at the top. So now it's spread open. And you also gave a little, little two creases on the bottom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A little bit of low back.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A little bit of under butt.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And you put. Which I love. You put the hands in there. You put Muppet fingers. Yeah, Muppet hands.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to go quick. I'm not good with hands.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah, you're really not. You're great with an though. I tell you that. And you put a little of the back in there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Put a little back in there, which I appreciate. And you put boots on. You put Timbs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Nice little Tim's and Tim thick socks.

[Robert Kelly]

And Tim's little socks and Tim's. And you gave a little crease behind the knees, which I like. And you gave you little juicy calves in there. Yeah. I mean, at this point, I'd suck my own dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It seems like I'm right there. But, Bobby, I'll be. Trust me. That's a perspective thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it is a perspective.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looks like the dick's right there, but I assure you, it's not.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I think this is ready. I think this is ready for prime time.

[Lou]

This is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Send it over to Jacob. Jacob's our executive producer. He has to approve all photographs.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, thoughts?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, Jacob, I don't know if you heard Bobby, but you'll notice that the asshole is the O and 4 in looking for daddy. Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, did you want the O to be bigger for the effect than the F and the R?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it. I think an Oreo speedwagon font style. It's gonna be. Yeah, the word four is gonna be a little bigger font than looking and daddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, the. The F is a little smaller than the O. The F and the R a little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna be. Well, that it does add to the funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I might. I might darken that up a little bit, make it a little bigger to.

[Jacob]

Match the O. I love the scrotum stitching.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the scrotum. First of all, the. The seam in the. The ball bag. People forget the seam in a ball bag all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not me. That's where God sews you up like a Build a bear.

[Robert Kelly]

That's right. That's your Frankenstein.

[Jacob]

Fantastic. I could never draw that.

[Robert Kelly]

Lou, can we put that out there for the fans to help each other?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't be. Don't say can't.

[Jacob]

I just don't have your talent. Bobby, you can draw really well, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but what I found out with Jay is Jay is a secret artist. Jay had. It could have done another career.

[Jacob]

When you guys were drawing that, what's the woman with a cock?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you almost had a. Oh, you almost said it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Rose, Emily, Emma Rose.

[Robert Kelly]

Emma Rose. Not that I follow her on Twitter.

[Jacob]

I mean, you're. You're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Bobby calls her Emily because he's gotten close.

[Jacob]

Your portraits were fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

I call her Emmy. Emmy dog. Yeah. She had a nice body.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's her. She is. God damn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's guessing my fingers now.

[Robert Kelly]

Pretty girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, I didn't do the fingers because I drew the ass.

[Robert Kelly]

It's all right. You need a thumb in there. Thumbs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, no, the thumbs would be on the other side. Oh, yeah, yeah, like this. So the proportions are right. Yeah, it's just the.

[Jacob]

An artist knows when to stop. Jay, also, you know, I know too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, but right now what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna make it. It's gonna look already better, Bobby. And you'll admit this, it's gonna already better. Because what I'm doing is the lines that I'm having a problem with, I'm now turning into. I'm spreading my ass. Wearing my signature knuckle gloves.

[Jacob]

Can I say this is the. This will never be approved. But it should be. This is the Christmas poster.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Should be.

[Robert Kelly]

Why wouldn't it be approved?

[Jacob]

Yes, the suits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Bobby, now can you. Oh no, I don't have any. I don't have any hair on my ball.

[Jacob]

The greatest. This would be the greatest Christmas poster ever.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And we could all be underneath him like presents under a tree. Yes, exactly. Yes, Perfect.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now we're thinking.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to say first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now this is the kind of brainstorming I like that we do.

[Jacob]

I'll send this to Big Jim. But I don't know the mittens.

[Robert Kelly]

You solved the problem because I did. I didn't want to say it. I had a problem with the line going through.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like, it's like problem with drawing and pen. You can't make. You can't make any mistakes. True.

[Robert Kelly]

But the fact that you made the F and the R darker. Because when I took design in college, because I was, you know, risd, I was going to be an artist art teacher. And what you want them to look at first?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I'm saying? You want them to go right to that and go, what is that? And then go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you go, oh, they're. There's something tattooed on their ass.

[Robert Kelly]

Design wise. This is perfect now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because we're going to see four, you're going to see the asshole and then you're going to go right to looking for daddy Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Last looks before I darken this thing up and we get it out there in the net. Any other notes, Bobby, real quick.

[Robert Kelly]

Hmm. Gas, snacks, tolls. This trip is draining my wallet.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, but we'll be with family.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're in a good mood.

[Robert Kelly]

What's your deal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's my deal?

[Katie Nolan]

I saved at Metro with no activation fees and I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month.

[Robert Kelly]

Kept the phone I love and a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

5 year price guarantee on my top.

[Katie Nolan]

Text and data detour to Metro. Metro. Get that more for your money feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

Only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Katie Nolan]

Just bring your number 31st month and 25 after with autopay not available. If with Metro T Mobile in the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Past 180 days guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need, and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what. Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software. And it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software, so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com a.

[Robert Kelly]

Well built wardrobe is about pieces that work together and hold up over time. That's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on even as the weather shifts. Quince has the everyday essentials with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, lighter jackets that keep you warm and changing seasons. The list goes on. Quints works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. When I finally started wearing quints, it just made me look a little more sophisticated and casual at the same time. It was like I was dressed up, but I still look good. And I can wear this stuff anywhere, anytime, any season. And the material is so soft and so comfortable and you just feel like you're wearing something really, really well made. You know, when you put a T shirt on or a sweater or a pair of pants or a jacket, you know that feeling of quality. Well, Quince has got that. That's why I love it. So refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com Bonfire Free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Bonfire One out of five Americans have learned a language on Their bucket list. If that's you, make 2025, the year you finally check with Babbel, the language app that makes grammar fun and is actually worth your time. Babbel lets you practice real life conversations step by step, without the stress. You'll build the confidence to speak up when it matters. From ordering a coffee to chatting with new friends abroad. I use it. And this is the fun part about it. It only takes a few minutes a day. Every day, I pops up on my phone and I just start using it. And by the end of the day, I learn a new word, I learn a new phrase, I learned how to ask for things. And I love going to another country. Nothing's worse than when I went to Cuba and they had a hurricane and I couldn't speak the language. I didn't have to get coffee, bread, say hello. What's going on? I was. It was almost like just being helpless in another country. Now with Babel, I'm going back to Cuba with my son, and I know how to speak the language. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at babel.com forward/bonfire. Get up to 55 off at babel.com forward slash bonfire. Spelled B, A, B, B, E, L.com forward slash bonfire. Rules and restrictions apply. I mean, yeah. No, I don't. I think it's perfect.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you nailed it, Jacob. I think you nailed it. I mean, the mittens. You made it personal. Yeah, the mittens in the boots.

[Jacob]

Definitely you. It was. Shall I say you looked naked before?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This is.

[Jacob]

Now you're you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's me now. Let me darken that up a little bit. Jacob, there. Get us over there black, loose. We can get this out to the people.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there any way that you could.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get Black Lute to send us from his personal account and confuse his family? I don't know. Maybe.

[Robert Kelly]

Should send that to your dad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My father.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, see what he says. Why don't you send it to my dad? I haven't talked to him in a long time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. All right. Let's see my knees. A little cat. You know, I feel a little more muscularity in my calf.

[Jacob]

Maybe you have muscular calves?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, your calf is a little thin at the ankle. And then it goes to pure ball of muscle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta get that little.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta get that in. Get a little line behind the calf, too. Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gotta take the calf in a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't you have a calf tattoo? Is there any tattoo you. Other tattoo you could throw?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do have a calf tattoo on.

[Robert Kelly]

This one, which is that one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Which would be this one. Let me do that real quick. Yeah, simple one.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a little. Little something, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just a thing. It's a. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It'S great. This is beautiful. And if somebody does wind up getting this, you get to come into the studio whenever you want.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But we have somebody gets this. Not the tattoo of the whole picture. If you do that. No, I gotta get you tickets to everything the rest of my life if you get a picture of me spreading my asshole tattooed on you. But if you get the tattoo that says looking for daddy tattooed around your asshole the way I have shown.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You get to come in guy or girl?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, preferably guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the guy's funnier for sure. Look at that bottom helmet, man. I really did a good job with that. That is the underneath of the helmet. No doubt.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there a little thing you could put in there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just to put some little hairs on my legs. I'm not perfect.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Why don't you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

On the helmet. Could you add a little dot at the top so we know you did? Oh, you did. I didn't see that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I always put a little dent for a pee hole.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, a little pee hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When drawing a dick, guys, no matter what perspective is, everybody listening? Lou, please. Oh, hello, Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

Lou. Lou, the artist is talking, listening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I need you to listen and look at me.

[Lou]

Sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Eye contact is hard for me when drawing a penis. Lou, no matter what perspective you're looking, you always got to do a little indentation for the pee hole. That's just how dicks work, my man. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everybody got it?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, good. That was my first time seeing it. Oh, I'm sorry, Lou. Let me send this over to you. Now that we're all darkened up there.

[Robert Kelly]

Lou might have a, you know, a little perspective that we're not, you know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, you know what? I'm sorry. Lose. Let me send us around the horn here. Anybody think there was something we could make better on this? Better? Worse.

[Jacob]

If you sign that, I would frame that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Jacob]

In my home.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Done.

[Robert Kelly]

I say we make prints of it and we raise money for charity for kids who are molested.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, with looking for daddy tattoos in their assholes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Well, we just. Yeah. All the money we make off of the prints we send to a charity that for people that were molested.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We start our own charity. Here's how we get tax exemption. We start our own charity. And what we do is our charity is to get molested kids who are now just gone in the world looking for a way to make more money in the streets getting fucked for drugs. Looking for. We'll pay. We pay for your looking for daddy asshole tattoo.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That doesn't come out of your pocket?

[Robert Kelly]

No, we take care of that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it's not a petty cash. And six weeks of aftercare, whether it be vitamin E, ointment and things like that.

[Robert Kelly]

You might need some type of drug.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Black little thoughts. You know, the drawing is beautiful. I would like to add just a couple of things, if possible. Okay. I think it's lacking a little bit of texture in the scrotum and penis area as far as veins and a little wrinkle.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, there is no vein in the penis. I wouldn't go crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There is vein in the penis.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there? I didn't. There wasn't vein in the penis when I saw it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no, no. There wasn't one. He's saying there should be.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what I'm saying. But I wouldn't. I. I wouldn't go crazy. You don't want to make it right now. It's an adorable little pud.

[Jacob]

I loved your.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not. It's a great scrub. You don't want to make it into a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Because then we're going to be offended.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not. I'm not.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just. I think I did what. I think I did what he was asking Lou. Huh? Magnificent. Thank you. Yes. Took a little. Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. I'm just saying. Aggressive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

DJ Lou, you probably got a lot of thoughts on that penis. What do you think of it?

[Lou]

Oh, I like whether you've added just there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Lou]

It makes it more lifelike, not offensive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I see it?

[Robert Kelly]

I want to see the. Wow. That really is black.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? And you added a little. You added a little texture to the nuts, which is really. I mean, those are nuts. Now I can see the nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a tight set.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's a tight set. It's. Yeah. Wow. That little vein. The little tiny vein was great. And a little hair on the back of the legs. And you added the. And you made the. I mean, this is. I mean, almost perfect.

[Jacob]

That's a poster.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Poster.

[Robert Kelly]

There we go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's look. Let's.

[Jacob]

Let's do this, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's let Jacob get this out to the people. Or let's let Jacob get his last looks Anything like me now, Jacob, you're.

[Jacob]

A real cutie patootie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Jacob]

Oh, I like the tattoo you added on your ankle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah. It's my tattoo. I have that tattoo.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Well, you know, somebody just walked in, and I think she'll like to see this.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

This is great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's photo realistic.

[Jacob]

I. I wouldn't add any more. Jay, I think you've reached.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

I would say this, too. If you're gonna get the whole tattoo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It should be on your belly button and make the. Your belly button.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. I see what you've done there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And, Bobby, a warmth chemo. I don't know how to describe what just happened. Did you see it? You saw it happen?

[Robert Kelly]

I. I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had, like, a. You think we should change my warmth? And then I went, no, he's right.

[Robert Kelly]

If the whole just the dad looking for daddy part on your asshole. But if it's the whole thing, if.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You'Re just gonna get looking for daddy on your asshole, bang. If you want to get a tattoo of me spreading my asshole to show you that my asshole says looking for daddy, the asshole on me should be your belly button. Yeah. Christine, any notes you'd like to give before we put this out to the world? I have a new tattoo idea where someone will get looking for daddy tattooed around their asshole with their asshole being the O. And the word for it's better. Easier to look at it.

[Katie Nolan]

I heard. I didn't see.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mm.

[Katie Nolan]

No notes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, can I just ask, since you've seen this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My asshole tattoo, this perspective. She hasn't seen it since I got the tattoo.

[Robert Kelly]

Not the tattoo, but you've seen him in this perspective probably at one point.

[Katie Nolan]

I really don't think I have.

[Robert Kelly]

How accurate. How accurate is this?

[Katie Nolan]

I can't think of.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, let's. Let's take it piecemeal, maybe. You haven't seen this exact. You've seen his calves, you've seen his legs. You've seen him naked.

[Katie Nolan]

I am acquainted with the full picture.

[Robert Kelly]

You've seen his. You've never seen his butthole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sure she's. Of course you've seen my butthole.

[Jacob]

How.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it's pretty accurate, right?

[Katie Nolan]

It's beautiful.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That.

[Robert Kelly]

That's coming from a person who's been there. I mean, been there. This is great. Are you signing your name or your artist name? Like your artist version?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ooh.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, you got to have an artist. You can't. You can't sign your check name on there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This.

[Robert Kelly]

This is artist. Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. What Do I do.

[Robert Kelly]

I would say flourish to it, right? I would say a B, a J, and something else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the bjo.

[Robert Kelly]

I would say bj and then maybe a oak underneath. Bj. Oak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. The mighty oak.

[Robert Kelly]

The mighty. To Thatcher artist. The mighty oak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's an oak look like? I did the bj. The. The bjo. I don't know what an oak looks like.

[Robert Kelly]

An oak tree. Yeah, it's. It looks like a tree.

[Katie Nolan]

It's very majestic.

[Robert Kelly]

It's very majestic. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, nice. So just a tree. Got it.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, pretty.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's a. That's a. That's some Southern horseshit. Oak. You don't want that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't want a racist oak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bjo. Black Lou. Yes. Hot off the presses. Get sent to the people. You got it.

[Robert Kelly]

We're gonna be raffling that off. If you've been molested, call in. Yeah, call in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you've been molested and you think. Or if you think you're willing to get. See, this is what full disclosure. Everybody listening right now. Last week, we were giving away cell phone tickets, and I said we should give it to the first person who gets an tattoo. And then they were like, sal's. That's not really his brand. And I was like, isn't it? And I was like, I guess you're right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So then I had to find a way to reintroduce tattoo routines.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, and now you have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now if you get this tattoo and show it to me, you will definitely get free tickets to my shows.

[Robert Kelly]

Free tickets to my shows. If you get this. Sure that 100%. If you get this. If you get the full tattoo using the belly button as the Jay's, I mean, you can come in studio. I get. If you get it on your asshole looking for daddy, you come in studio and take it to the show. I mean, you're gonna get a lot of stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think if you get the entire tattoo of me spreading my asshole, your belly button being the asshole, you might be third mic of the show.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, if you send a video of your daddy actually molesting you and then. And I mean, third mic is definitely yours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I say third mic at least for like a month. Trial period. If you sent us video evidence. Evidence of you being aggressively molested by your father. Now, by the way, this contest is 18 and over. So at this point, you want it, you're asking for it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The mental gymnastics, the mind control has worked. Now you're coming back for it on.

[Robert Kelly]

Your own has to be 18 and over. It can't be a 12 year old.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I'm not gonna call it molesting unless they did get you when you were younger.

[Robert Kelly]

And we need some type of like, you know, you can block out your license number. We need to know that you guys are related. It has to say his name, last name. We have to. It can't just be a guy you're dating saying it's your daddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Or you just take a picture of your asshole with the looking for daddy tattoo on it. You could do that, but I would also need to see a little bit of footage of the tattoo being done because, well, you just get some. Bobby. I could right now take a Sharpie marker and write looking for your ass on your ass and make people think it's a tattoo.

[Robert Kelly]

You just get one made on the Internet. You can get any tattoo made and stick it on there with some water.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Looking for daddy right there. Water soluble.

[Robert Kelly]

We want you in a back room of a tattoo parlor and we want to hear volume up. We want to hear. Because that's going to hurt. That's going to hurt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, the inside of your arm hurts. Never mind. Your. That's a very sensitive part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's going to be very. It's very like soft skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, unless you've been treating it wrong, then it's rough skin or.

[Robert Kelly]

Or treating it right. It's either way you look at it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Black glue. I didn't see this before. You've got a great ass on this photo. Thank you. Well, that's the farcical part. That's the artistic.

[Robert Kelly]

That's called the creative license.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's artistic liberties.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's creative license.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You. But that's fine. We don't. It's fine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like to see myself, Ben. I'm thinking bent over, Lou. It's gonna. If I bend over, my ass is tight. It can't not be. You're bent over, but it's not.

[Robert Kelly]

It doesn't have a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not as bubbly as.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not. I mean, that's pretty much a lose ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. On Jay's body ess, I bend over and spread my ass cheeks like that. My back to ass ratio hits at about a 90 degree angle.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, this. This tattoo is made.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The tangential line would be the same as both sides.

[Robert Kelly]

This tattoo isn't made for me and Jay's asshole. This is made for like DJ Lou's. That's the asshole this is made for, like, it goes away, but it's gonna.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Be like Tupac's tummy tattoos. Like, he's gonna have to really. You're gonna have to spread his asshole and then shine a phone light in there to see the tattoo. It's gonna be too dark.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but how?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's already black and he's got a black person's asshole. It's gotta be so dark down there.

[Robert Kelly]

But if it was on our asshole, you could see it all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All the time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. It's just gonna be there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. My asshole's behind cheek, I believe a little bit. No, if I walked around right now, ass out, you wouldn't see hole.

[Robert Kelly]

You could bend over a little bit, it'll pop out. I mean, DJ Lou's. You'd have to. That's a surprise waiting to happen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lose asshole is way too deep in the surface. Like an earthworm.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. If you open that up, though, and that. That pops out, how he has the.

[Jacob]

Real estate for that tattoo. It's nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me zerbert your asshole, Lou.

[Lou]

Too pale for a tattoo. I don't think it's gonna work for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me just fucking motorboat it, dude. Let me just get in there and fucking your asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. It's for science.

[Lou]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? God damn it. You never do anything for the show. Does anybody do anything for the show? I don't think so.

[Lou]

My girlfriend called first dibs. You have to get behind her in line.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She sucks your asshole.

[Lou]

She wants to, but she cannot.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Lou]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Gay. It's not gay to get your asshole sucked by your girlfriend.

[Lou]

I don't like it. I don't even like a bidet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do you know that you don't like it?

[Robert Kelly]

Does your bidet have a tongue?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit. This is. We're. This is going to be the secret of the show. We find out Lou's had a Looking for daddy tattoo on his asshole the whole time. He goes, I don't want to talk about it. Stay away from my asshole, lady.

[Lou]

I've always contended that I hate ass play.

[Jacob]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you haven't tried it ever.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you know?

[Lou]

Because I don't like anything about it.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, how do you know?

[Lou]

Because when I wipe, I don't get turned on.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not. That's. Nobody gets turned on when they wipe.

[Lou]

No, but you guys do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, but think about that feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I do. But whatever Bobby does, I do a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Think about that feeling, though, because I.

[Robert Kelly]

Wipe like this with my finger and I push it in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not about things going in your ass because you. Exactly. You're right. When you're wiping your ass, it doesn't turn you on. Don't think about that. Think about the time you took a real long log, and as it was getting to the end and it was thinning out, you. You said that you almost audibly went.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, think about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what it feels like every time something's pulled out of your asshole.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Think about going in. It's not about the in, it's about the out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The out?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. The in is gay. The out is ecstasy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, that's my motto.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The only reason I call it asshole finger is because it's weirder to call it a turd simulator. Christine, give me a good old fashioned turd simulator. That doesn't sound right to anybody now.

[Lou]

Like, get this thing out of me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go. Oh, my God. Yep. All right, pull it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Anytime you see ass sex in a video, it's always, ow, ow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your shoulders would drop.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, grab your legs over your head.

[Lou]

More fun things to do.

[Robert Kelly]

Like what?

[Lou]

Regular sex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, name 12 other things.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, go ahead. 12 other 12.

[Lou]

12 positions. Ready?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Go. Missionary, boom, doggy, boom. From the side. Okay, 69.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're already not fucking.

[Robert Kelly]

Now you're right there.

[Lou]

I know there's a lot to it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, 69. Now go.

[Lou]

I don't know that many.

[Robert Kelly]

That's four.

[Lou]

I don't do a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know that many. Wasn't a fourth. 3.

[Robert Kelly]

Go down on her. There was missionary, there was side, there was doggy, and there was. Then there was 69.

[Jacob]

She's on top.

[Robert Kelly]

There's four.

[Jacob]

Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you're a quarter of the way there, buddy. Yeah, go ahead a third of the way.

[Robert Kelly]

Do not help him. Don't bring up your Kama Sutra shit.

[Lou]

Yeah, Tantric shit I don't know about.

[Robert Kelly]

That's in the asshole. That's the male G spot.

[Lou]

It's not.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna tell you right now, if you. If you. If you studied tantric, which I did for three years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dedicated goddamn life to it.

[Robert Kelly]

I dedicated for three years while I was in AI. I quit comedy. It was right after Torgasm. I quit and I went into tantrum massage. Tantric massage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a dark period for some people.

[Robert Kelly]

Not for me. It was actually enlightening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Very great. Raji. Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

The male G spot. Guess what, Lou? It's in your asshole. Did you know that men can come more than one time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want me to show you yours with my fingers and dick?

[Robert Kelly]

What do you think?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I can just show you where it's at, and then I'll pull out. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna be inside of you. I'm gonna go see, Lou, it's right there.

[Robert Kelly]

It is right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There. You're gonna go, whoa. And I'm gonna go, yeah, and I'll pull out and I'll just keep talking to you while I'm putting my pants on. I'm like, so. Yeah, that's the male G spot right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Go back up to the top one. Go to the. Yeah, right. No, stay right there. See right there, that little cheese. Cheese. Cheese ball right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's under your turd, right on the hard boiled egg.

[Robert Kelly]

You go in, you bend your finger down, and you rub right there. That little cheese ball is your G spot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I say this picture? This picture? The only thing drawn better than mine is the hands. The hands are better for sure. But, I mean, my dick and balls was better than this by a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

And the butt sucks, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, you want me to find your G spot for you?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Let's try it live on the radio. Let's see if you have it. Come immediately.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can get gloves right downstairs.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Are we negotiating? Can I get some money out of this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, you can.

[Robert Kelly]

How much?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Lou]

I could use five grand.

[Robert Kelly]

Five grand.

[Lou]

Done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Five grand.

[Robert Kelly]

Done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was gonna say dinner at Ted Montana's, but all right. Jesus Christ, dude.

[Lou]

What can I say? I'm bargaining with a sweet ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something? Here's why I'm not gonna do five grand.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because he's gonna realize once I make him feel the wild ecstasy of fingering his asshole. Because I know what I'm doing down there, baby.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, of course you do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm a pro. I'm gonna work his fucking shitter over. He's gonna blast all over my chest, and then he's gonna realize, like, I should have given him $5,000. Now he'. Do you understand? No.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's not, because he's going to hand you the 5,000 back. You're going to get that money right back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It better be followed with him. I'm going to hand him the envelope, and he's going to hand it right back to me and go do it again. Yeah, I'll do that next time. You got to pay me. All right, fine. First time, I'll pay you. But when you inevitably want it again desperately, and it might take months for you to admit this to yourself, days trying to get your girlfriend to use her tiny hands. It ain't going to work.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not going to work. Look at those fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her little tiny hands. Dude, look at these things. And they're warm from gloves.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at. He's got manicured fingernail. They're shiny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Slip right in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll treat you right, baby.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you think?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want me treat you right?

[Robert Kelly]

How about this? We'll give you five grand, and if you come within three minutes, you have to give it back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay? You get five minutes of masturbation, of me whacking you off while I finger your.

[Lou]

That's too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you come in a minute, you got to give me back four grand. Every minute's a grand you get to keep.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, can I just jump in here real quick?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hold out? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I think you're gonna have a lot going on back there. Let me masturbate him while you do the fingering. That's a. You know what I mean?

[Lou]

Now we're moving away from the science of it all. Now. It's just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Lou]

I didn't want to be whacked off.

[Robert Kelly]

Why not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well.

[Lou]

But I wanted to see if you could touch my little thing in the back of my thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it doesn't just make you come. You have to, like.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you got to get hard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. You're going to be hard the second you see my reaction to your penis, Lou. Because I know how to make a man feel right. You're gonna go. You're gonna do it. I'm just gonna. I'm gonna say something first. I'm. Make a face like, whoa, that's big. No matter how small it is. I will go, whoa. Where are you gonna put that thing?

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna. You're gonna pull Christine?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I guess I'll try.

[Lou]

I was with. I was with a Spanish stripper one time, like, 10 years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Here we go.

[Lou]

And I pulled my pants down. She got me alone in a room. I pulled my pants down. And she goes, oh, my God. I don't. Like. She's just saying that.

[Robert Kelly]

She turned retarded.

[Lou]

No, she's like. She's like, oh, my Go it.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, that's the worst Spanish accident ever. Oh, my God. I love a dick in my mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. Maybe I was in that awakenings hospital.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Either way, she just started learning how to talk again. Oh, God.

[Lou]

She was pretending that it Was the biggest thing she's ever seen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look, but I bet it's big.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet you got a big piece, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably got a big fat.

[Robert Kelly]

You look like you got. Your Face looks like you have a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big, weird hog sitting on that bean bag of an ass you got there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, God does. God doesn't even get a fat ass like that unless he's got a carry on a big hog.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, you need. Those. Glutes are tight from holding the weight.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you built that ass up over years of that big hog carrying it around. Beef tongue uncomfortable. Why?

[Lou]

I don't want to play this game anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Talk to HR Dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, rat us out, boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me finger your ass on. Then talk to HR Fugal sang. Did it. I saw him in the hallways the other day, and we had. I was coming behind him. I didn't. His hair's longer now.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He looks like a vampire that hasn't had blood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he definitely needs blood. The rats aren't working anymore. The rats aren't working. It's not hitting the spot.

[Robert Kelly]

Lestat, stop. Yeah, go kill a kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna have to kill a kid, dude. No. We had. We saw each other in the lot, but I was coming up behind him. I didn't know who it was. Me and Bobby were just making blind fun of the two dorky guys we thought we saw at the door. And then. But, you know, behind their backs, like gentlemen.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, of course we're not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then when I got up to him, I saw that his back was to me still. And he opened the door and held it for me, and I did. Of course. I was like, oh, thank you so much. And I looked up, and it was him. And he was like, you're welcome. But it was both. We're just kind of like. We already said the thing a second after realizing, like, oh, oh, oh.

[Robert Kelly]

You, me and Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like now. We both had a pleasantry with each other. Neither of us meant it.

[Robert Kelly]

Me and Christine were walking down the hall, and he was walking by, and he jumped in our conversation.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What'd he say?

[Robert Kelly]

I forget what it was. We were talking about something, and he walked by and he threw a little comment in.

[Katie Nolan]

He knew. I said I was saying something about the friar from Romeo and Juliet, and I don't remember what the context was. And he was like, friar Lawrence.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

I was like, I know. It was Friar Lawrence.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I didn't know that. Christine was annoyed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should say. He goes, do you just listen to people's conversations? Yeah. What's your deal, asshole. What does he host now? Here.

[Robert Kelly]

Here we go.

[Jacob]

He has a new book out.

[Robert Kelly]

What's it called?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he doesn't work at the series anymore.

[Jacob]

I think he does.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he does.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

From home now, probably.

[Jacob]

I really don't know. I just know that he has a new book out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you're his number one fan. No, dude, you've been with him since America's Funniest Video. You called afv.

[Robert Kelly]

I forgot he did that.

[Lou]

We had to throw him out of the studio. Who was with me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? Body odor.

[Lou]

No, he was. Tate. He was running into our time, and then he goes, oh, my God. I got to. I got the mayor on the phone and then he had to leave. Like the mayor was more important than.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that what he said?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the new mayor.

[Lou]

This was the old mayor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he said, I got the mayor on the phone.

[Lou]

Yes. Like. Like we give him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He's like, oh, that makes us more fun. You should said, oh, that makes us more fun, and then hung it up for him. Oh, really? That's the mayor. This makes us more fun. There you go, champ. Get out. Tell him to call earlier.

[Robert Kelly]

I really wish we could find Lou's G spot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I mean, you'd have to let us.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really, though.

[Robert Kelly]

I know you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you. Jacob and Black Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hold him down. I'll get him. I'll get in there.

[Robert Kelly]

What if we have Christine dance a little bit just to distract him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not going to distract him like that. No, he's going to. I mean, for a second it will, but then he's going to really trust me. Having people hold you down and start fingering your asshole probably is going to take precedent over Christine just dancing around.

[Robert Kelly]

We haven't played Pearl Jam. Christine's dancing, singing. Hey, Jeremy, distract. Then we hold him down. Maybe that will distract him enough for you to get in there to get into the G spot. Hook the finger down. As soon as you touch it, he's going to fall into ecstasy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to tell you when we get off the cheek and I hit the hole. I'm telling you, it ain't far. Behind that hole, something tells me he's got a prominent G spot.

[Jacob]

Question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, Lou?

[Jacob]

What if we could get a member of Pearl Jam to finger your asshole?

[Lou]

But can we have a heterosexual component to lure me into this gay activity?

[Jacob]

No, I'm saying if Eddie or Christine's guitar. The guitar. Guitarist that you love.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine's dancing. What?

[Lou]

That's pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

All right. Pretty good. Wow. She's right there.

[Jacob]

Either, Eddie.

[Katie Nolan]

You're gonna like it once they get in there.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not think he's going to love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna have that thing. You're gonna go for like a thing like you. Huh? Huh? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Relax.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God.

[Robert Kelly]

Relax, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's.

[Katie Nolan]

That's when they rape you to show you what a homo you are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes. He goes. Is that it? Is that. Are you on it? I think I feel it. I think it is. I think you're on it.

[Robert Kelly]

There it is right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you're gonna turn your whole tune around.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then before you know, whatever you're asking, you're begging us to finger your ass every day.

[Robert Kelly]

It's gonna be a thing, but we get sick of. Yeah, you're going up. I gotta go up. How you go up and do it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right. And he goes, you want a body brain Coffee. Pay the toll.

[Robert Kelly]

And he just presents to you guys.

[Jacob]

Can you.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we get in early today to do the pre tape so we have a long lunch?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Just so you know, this is a very dangerous picture we have up here on Anatomy, the. The anatomy app. Because it looks like it's saying to move your lower intestine out of the way and finger a shitball that's behind your, I don't know, exploding egg of a womb. What is this? What is this? Well, this guy.

[Robert Kelly]

The G spot is like a cheese ball. But what's the. I know the intestine, is it brown? It's why I'm sure they. That's your bladder right there. Is that where your jizz comes out?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's your bladder, dude. Your jizz comes from here.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, how. Where's the other connection to your nut? They don't have it on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They don't have the vas deferens.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you know what? When you hit the. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look it up, Christine. Vas deferens.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Katie Nolan]

Wait, no. How do I look that up? I thought was the name of the tube that semen comes out. What am I asking? What is what the name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are. By the way, it says right there, ejaculatory duck. What does it say, Christine? Read it out loud. Don't blow this.

[Katie Nolan]

The vast difference in seminal difference would.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Be with an I, wouldn't it? What does it actually say? Vas.

[Katie Nolan]

What difference?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have fucked that up too, Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a shame because I just said it before and everyone looked at me like it wasn't a real thing.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I didn't. I went Wow. I was fully impressed. And I. I believed in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I knew I. And I was asking the question, so. That's pretty wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tensions are high here because everybody wants to take a shot at Lou's.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. But there's only one person that should. You.

[Lou]

My girlfriend.

[Jacob]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

Plus, you have. You have gloves on with no fingers, so you know exactly when to stop, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You'll never get past second knuckle.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With me. Because you'll be fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Those gloves are actually like, an indicator. Hey, stop here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And your G spot, Dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. It's right there. It's right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's right there, dude.

[Lou]

How about I get my girlfriend to do it over the weekend and give.

[Robert Kelly]

You a full report if you have sound? Oh, sure.

[Lou]

I'm a radio guy. Yeah, of course I'm gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. If you could get sound of her. Lou, can I just say something? Honestly? Look at me. Seriously. Will you please, for the love of this show, have her find your G spot and just record the audio of it?

[Lou]

Okay. You got it.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice. This is. I can't wait for this week to be over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be in Florida this weekend, so I'll be fingering my own ass and recording it. What?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm nothing. Nothing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not gonna have Dylan do it.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, whatever you want. Those long keyboard fingers in there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His spin.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what happens, too, when you. When you. When you hit a male G spot. When you come. It's prostate fluid, not jizz, which is a different thing.

[Jacob]

Look that up.

[Lou]

Christine, can we take a break?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, not yet.

[Robert Kelly]

Not yet. Prostate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're settling something here. I'm keeping quiet until I hear answers.

[Robert Kelly]

J. Rita, Christine.

[Katie Nolan]

When climaxing specifically from prostate stimulation, the fluid released is primarily prostate fluid, not typical semen containing high concentrations of sperm.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you. Thank you. I told you. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You nailed it, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanks, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're the doctor of the show.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you had the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm the artist in the butthole finger.

[Robert Kelly]

What is the word you had again?

[Lou]

V. Deference.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vast difference.

[Katie Nolan]

It's on this diagram.

[Robert Kelly]

Vast difference. There you go. There it is. Vast deference. What a great word. That should be your next album. Vast difference. And mine will be prostate fluid.

[Lou]

Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

This weekend is going to be at the Improv in Dania Beach, Florida, February 6th through the 7th. That's only two nights. Tickets are limited, so get them right now if you're going, get your tickets. After that, he's going to be in Fort Worth, Texas, Nashville, San Antonio, and San Francisco. Where he's going to be sticking all kinds of stuff in his ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to have so much. I'm going to have so much prostate fluid out there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. Your vast deference is going to be jizzing out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude. Gonna be nothing. Prostate fluid all over everyone's foreheads.

[Robert Kelly]

For tickets and all the tour dates go to bigj comedy.com YouTube.com ICJ Okerson for his live show that he does. And his specials are up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So much fun stuff. Still trying to get back. Why is that?

[Jacob]

Fuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not giving us back the stupid. What's your fucking deal?

[Katie Nolan]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're holding hostage my fucking. The crowd work show that we did. The TV one we did for Ciso. Yeah. They just got like, Chris Italia from the stand has it. I'm gonna just give it to me so I can put it on YouTube and get used. He's like, wait, we want to put it behind a pay wall above Bobby Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is behind a pay wall at the Comedy Work south in Colorado. Pay and go see him.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's February 5 and 7. That's this weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Fun club.

[Robert Kelly]

Is a fun club. I'm excited to be a bit. It's cold and I have to prep myself. The last time I got sick, Really? I got a little headache and a little dizzy altitude thing a little bit this time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I gotta drink tons of water.

[Robert Kelly]

Tons of water.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buy that nost, dude. You're gonna love it.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna get that oxygen. I'm gonna take aspirin. I'm gonna do a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't do no oxygen. Oxygen.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I might do a little nos, too. I might do a little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is not breaking sobriety.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it? I think you couldn't do a balloon with me at a concert one day.

[Jacob]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

That's actually getting high. Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For 30 seconds.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm high on life, okay. I'm high being with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Will you French kiss me if I have it in my mouth?

[Robert Kelly]

100% perfect.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Your G spot on the break.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be right back. Everyone go to punch up that live Robert Kelly for all of his dates and his YouTube channel @robert Kelly Comedy. And every Tuesday night, including tonight. No, tonight's Monday.

[Robert Kelly]

Tomorrow night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tomorrow night I am. I'm off. Every Tuesday night, 7pm Fat black pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cellar. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Katie Nolan]

Hey there. It's Katie Nolan, host of Casuals, the sports podcast where we don't care how much you know about sports, we're just happy that you're here. Every week, I hang out with some of my good friends to discuss the biggest stories across sports and entertainment, but in a way that's, like, fun and not boring. Want to know Sue Bird's favorite Diana Taurasi story? Or how heavy the Larry o' Brien Trophy is? Or even what baseball team is right for you based on your moon sign we got you. Listen to Casuals every Tuesday and Thursday on the SiriusXM app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bye. You've made it on time for the McDonald's breakfast menu.

[Robert Kelly]

You think to yourself, finally, I can start my day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But what if breakfast could be even more perfect with the hot honey sausage egg biscuit? It finally is. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can.