Morbidly Obese Acting

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Episode: Morbidly Obese Acting

Release Date: January 9, 2025

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Overview

In the episode titled "Morbidly Obese Acting," hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly engage in a lively and candid discussion about the challenges and nuances of acting in roles that demand significant physical transformations, particularly focusing on weight. The conversation delves into typecasting, the impact of physical appearance on an actor's career, and the personal experiences of the hosts in navigating these challenges within the entertainment industry. Throughout the episode, the duo interweaves humor with insightful observations, making for an engaging listen.

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Key Topics and Discussions

1. Typecasting and Physical Appearance in Acting

   • Impact of Weight on Role Selection
     • Big Jay Oakerson [04:25]: Discusses how an actor's physical attributes can limit or define the types of roles they are offered. “Her head has the dimensions of a dreidel. It's fucking.” He critiques how different actresses age differently, affecting their casting opportunities.
     • Robert Kelly [10:00]: Explores the negative connotations associated with being labeled "morbidly obese," suggesting that it implies more than just weight but also affects an actor's energy and screen presence. “It wasn't just obese. It was a kind of obese that like brought the energy of a place down.”

2. Career Challenges for Actors Undergoing Physical Transformations

   • Personal Audition Experiences
     • Robert Kelly [14:15]: Shares his struggles with weight while auditioning, highlighting how physical changes can limit role opportunities. “I did an audition today. My second one in seven years. Zoom, zoom. And it was fine, but it was just, like, completely.”
     • Big Jay Oakerson [16:19]: Talks about the difficulties of auditioning over Zoom, emphasizing the lack of personal connection. “It's just difficult. Go nowhere.”

3. Effects of Physical Transformation on Audience Perception

   • Character Consistency and Audience Connection
     • Big Jay Oakerson [38:37]: Criticizes the aging of Mariska Hargitay, portraying how significant physical changes can alter audience perceptions of a beloved character. “She just became an older lady very overnight.”
     • Robert Kelly [51:03]: Reflects on the transformation of Olivia Benson from SVU, questioning how physical changes impact the character's relatability and effectiveness. “She looks like Bonnie now. She's only like 60. Is she 60? Yeah, barely. That's not bad for 60.”

4. Comedic Relief and Self-Deprecation Regarding Weight

   • Humor as a Coping Mechanism
     • Robert Kelly [13:14]: Uses self-deprecatory humor about his weight and its impact on his roles. “I need something a little hungry because I'm morbidly obese. If I wasn't so fat, I could have done something. I'm gonna lose weight. I swear to God.”
     • Big Jay Oakerson [35:12]: Playfully mentions weight yo-yoing as a "special skill" on his resume, adding humor to the serious topic of weight management in acting. “Weight yo-yoing.”

5. The Concept of "Morbidly Obese Acting" as a Metaphor

   • Satirical Commentary on Career Choices
     • Dan Soder [20:25]: Introduces a humorous segment suggesting that Robert Kelly might be deliberately portraying an overly obese character to transition into another comedic persona. “Comedian Adrian Appalucci is actually really just Bobby Kelly in a wig.”
     • Big Jay Oakerson [21:07]: Playfully engages with the idea, hinting at a shift in Robert’s career strategy. “You look like Helen Hong.”

6. Humorous Banter on Aging and Appearance

   • Lighthearted Critiques of TV Characters and Actors
     • Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly [44:10 - 53:00]: Engage in a humorous critique of TV characters and actresses’ aging processes, particularly focusing on Mariska Hargitay and Judith Light. They lampoon physical changes and the impact on character portrayal, blending sharp humor with observational comedy.

7. Experiences with Auditioning for Roles

   • Challenges of Modern Audition Processes
     • Robert Kelly [16:19]: Discusses the awkwardness and challenges of virtual auditions, contrasting them with traditional in-person experiences. “Can you give us a variation of the lines but not the lines? That’s hard. That’s harder than actually remembering a chunk of dialogue given one or two lines.”

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Big Jay Oakerson [04:25]: "Her head has the dimensions of a dreidel. It's fucking."
• Robert Kelly [10:00]: "It wasn't just obese. It was a kind of obese that like brought the energy of a place down."
• Dan Soder [20:25]: "Comedian Adrian Appalucci is actually really just Bobby Kelly in a wig."
• Big Jay Oakerson [51:03]: "She just became an older lady very overnight."
• Robert Kelly [13:14]: "I'm gonna lose weight. I swear to God."

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Insights and Conclusions

The episode "Morbidly Obese Acting" offers a nuanced exploration of the intersection between an actor’s physical appearance and their career trajectory. Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly adeptly blend humor with critical insights, highlighting the often unspoken challenges actors face when portraying characters that require significant physical transformations. The discussion underscores the pervasive issue of typecasting in the entertainment industry, where actors may find themselves pigeonholed based on their appearance or weight.

Additionally, the hosts shed light on the personal toll these challenges can take, sharing their own experiences with auditions and roles that demanded physical changes. The use of humor serves as both a coping mechanism and a tool for critically examining industry standards and societal perceptions regarding weight and appearance.

Ultimately, the episode advocates for greater diversity in role offerings and a more inclusive approach to casting, emphasizing the importance of talented actors being able to maintain robust careers regardless of their physical transformations. It also calls attention to the need for the industry to move beyond shallow stereotypes and provide a wider array of opportunities for actors of all body types.

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Conclusion

"Morbidly Obese Acting" is a thought-provoking and entertaining episode that combines sharp wit with meaningful commentary on the entertainment industry's handling of physical appearance and typecasting. Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly not only entertain but also invite listeners to reflect on the broader implications of how actors are perceived and utilized in various roles. For those interested in the intersection of comedy, personal narrative, and industry critique, this episode provides a rich and engaging listen.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get a quote today, restrictions apply. Usaa. And now the bonfire with Big J. OKERSON and Robert Kelly. 80s voice ready.

[Robert Kelly]

This guy has to fade into the background of the darkness.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big time Lou Blah took it to the world but now I call me back again why am I fighting hard to write the next line? Oh, I want the truth to be said I know this much is true I know this much is true.

[Robert Kelly]

This much is true this much is true this much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All those 80s songs they did that. It's the sound. The guy from abc, same voice. That's the look. The look of love.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, man. There's so much passion that comes out of me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Skinny blonde guys from Europe. They knew how to bring that heat. Genera, General Public. Is that the tenderness put on Tenderness. Louis. That's another one. I don't know where to start.

[Robert Kelly]

Where to start?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is General Public the right name? Oh, come on. This makes you feel good, though. This is getting off in a car alone.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you have like a Mexican Coke. You just popped up the top.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I don't know where to start.

[Robert Kelly]

Know where to start.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On natural instruments.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the. Is that the rain stick from the crocodile? D. Is that a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why are you there? This is a song played when. When they were driving home after bringing the girls home in Weird Science and Wyatt grabbed a hold of Heidi's ass. I bigger fan of the brown haired girl by far. I bet the aging process has hit them both differently. I think we looked this up a long time ago. But I like the. The brunette from Weird Science more than Deb and Hilly. I like Deb.

[Christine Evans]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Not a fan of the robot.

[Christine Evans]

I'm with you, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kelly LeBrock.

[Robert Kelly]

If you look back. Small boobies. Yes, Small Bum and teeth. Big fucking European English teeth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They really made a choice with her when they made her. For sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I mean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I'll say this. She aged horrifically.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her head has the dimensions of a dreidel. It's fucking. There's a flat surface on all four sides. I don't know how she did it. She was.

[Robert Kelly]

She really does have top head.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I think she was karate by Steven Seagal in their relationship, though. I think he karate her a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

No, maybe I was wrong. She looks all right. I mean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, she was smoking hot in the movie. Here's the thing, and what you're saying, Bobby, is true, and you're a little older than me. But the problem with this was she was too much. I guess that ended up being the point of the thing. They made a woman. And these were teen boys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Well, they didn't figure out code yet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They didn't know how to figure out code.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Somehow turning this woman on from their house. If you hook a doll up to your computer, somehow it opens up a nuclear warhead or something.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they added a couple too many zeros and ones.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God damn. Wyatt aged terribly.

[Christine Evans]

Judy Aronson, that's her name. She actually held together pretty well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Which one's that? Is that Hilly? Hilly? Oh, no, that's what I'm saying. I liked Hilly more than Deb. I'm sorry.

[Christine Evans]

Sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I was a hilly guy. She did age better, but, man, it is just seeing age on both of them. Right. Damn. The great Bill Paxton, time undefeated again.

[Robert Kelly]

And Robert is looking old.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice, big win.

[Robert Kelly]

Robert Downey Jr. Is getting up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is old, but it's gone great all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he went to jail for a little bit. He had one rough time, but in his mind, he was partying and killing it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, the other guy, too, Anthony Michael hall was in a lot of trouble at one point, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was he?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, my. My web guy from Kansas City. Remember I used to have those crazy websites?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

My. My website. Kurt Iverson in Saint. Kurt Iverson, who lived in Kansas City, was friends with him. He lived in, like, Kansas City somewhere. And he started, like, being friends with Anthony Michael hall when he wasn't working. Like when he went from little young boy to perverted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He had a rough patch, man.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he had a patch of perversion.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But what trouble did he get into? Well, if you please look up Anthony Michael. Christine's not here today because he got.

[Robert Kelly]

Into, I think, assault or some. Yeah, there you go. Anthony Michael hall, sentenced to three years probation for assault.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Got into an argument, ended up with him pushing the man to the ground. Oh, he ain't a nerd no more. Now this ain't the Breakfast Club. He really did go. I mean, his talk about a boyish, like, impishly happy face of a teenager to growing into a grizzled detective face. Older guy. I mean, anything. Hall's face has gone very, like. It's. It's intense. Well, he never smiles. That's his smile. He's happy there.

[Robert Kelly]

He's the police chief in svu.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he's not. But doesn't it look like him?

[Robert Kelly]

That's gotta be him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's a different guy. That guy was actually in Yellowstone, believe it or not. Get out of here. He was one of the brothers who opened the casino.

[Robert Kelly]

The guy with the blue eyes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. Who. The short one.

[Robert Kelly]

Who. Who will not kiss. No, no, woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Oh, the other guy was his brother. Oh, not the main. It was two brothers. Not a little short squat brother. Nothing. With the crazy looking face.

[Robert Kelly]

The. The husky eyes. Yeah, he has the Alaskan husky eyes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not him.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tommy McGrath. There you go. But doesn't it look exactly like Anthony? He looks identical to him.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy, bro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's very difficult.

[Robert Kelly]

Was him. Must suck because he's. I run into the same thing with Dominic Alarm Bondosi. Dominic. Dominic Alarm Larboardosi.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that his name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the guy. You know him, right? Yeah, we. He gets. He gets all the roles that I would get.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's he in the wire right there.

[Christine Evans]

You know, he's in a lot of stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. Tulsa King, I believe. Mystic River.

[Robert Kelly]

We would go out for a lot of the same parts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mystic River.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, we had the same agent too, at I think, Paradigm A CAA or. No, it was Gersh. We had the same agent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do not take this the wrong way.

[Robert Kelly]

I will take it the wrong way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I won't say because. No, you. I want you to say it now. I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When somebody says the wrong way.

[Robert Kelly]

When somebody says.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Respectfully, this has nothing to do with respect.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, I want. I won't take it the wrong way. I won't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you take this right, you could. By the way, I like to say Christine not being here today, the only thing I'm concerned about is that she enters the weekend down three pivins and there's not really any coming back from that. Well, she doesn't have it. She could have had today maybe to really. She really could have showed up today and shown up big.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And maybe got herself out of pivin debt, but she finds herself. I mean, nuts deep. Yeah, she owes me three pivots.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she might be sick because she didn't get pivens.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't even consider that she might.

[Robert Kelly]

Not be feeling well because also she got the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She got the loaner piven, which, I mean, it's just everyone's touching this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She might be out because of that town bike. Although, let me take a look at here. Looks like Christine's the only person's ever filled it out. But I did date it. And initially each time she gave it back. So it is where it belongs. No, no, it's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I shall not let you do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you're not gonna take it where I was.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know that. I said I'll take it. Well, I will take it the right way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What does that mean? That's open to interpretation.

[Robert Kelly]

And if you ask it the right way, you might get a piven.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every thing I've seen this guy in requires him being like a real towny tough guy. And for a large portion of your life, you were morbidly obese and not scary looking. Like that guy. He was like one of Sean Penn's goons.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you just call me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What.

[Robert Kelly]

Morbidly at a time? Yes, obese at a time. You felt the need to add morbid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

In front of obese.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't just obese. It was a kind of obese that like brought the energy of a place down. Morbid. This guy had to be like a. Like a kick ass guy for Sean Penn and Mystic river.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Or the tech. It was just this guy has the. Your voice isn't like he's got that God given townie voice too. Hey, we got a little thing with the guys.

[Robert Kelly]

The are you talking about now. The are you talking about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right? That guy's not that scary.

[Robert Kelly]

The are you talking. Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. You. What the are you talking about? You. Who you calling morbidly obese? You car the cot cocksucker. You are pot calling the kettle black. What the is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what that was.

[Christine Evans]

I'm not feeling it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Two pivins. No, I take it back. I changed that. I don't think he's gonna play him pivots over here. You're not gonna get. You're not gonna get his. One of those Pivins is a loaner. I'm sorry. Get that one back, please. Need to loan her back. Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

You're goddamn right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're good.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, thank you. Jacob. Who the are you to say you ain't buying, but here's the buying. You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm buying it. But you're the less scary guy. He's the guy. You answer to him, though.

[Robert Kelly]

So I walk behind him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You walk behind him. You're the other guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I drove.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But they say. But when he called, we need the boys. They say, him and you, I come. You come.

[Robert Kelly]

But I do die first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're going to die first? Yeah. Or they kill the other guy, the tougher guy, because he's scarier looking. And they. They allow you to let you pee yourself in front of them and they allow you to go back and tell the story right?

[Robert Kelly]

But they do take a pinky or a finger.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They do. They. They humiliate you and send you on your way to a life of ridicule.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I run back and I get killed by the boss. Boss. Because I did. I. How did you get the fuck away?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, how did you.

[Robert Kelly]

How did you. How did they kill him? And why are you here?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You must have told them something.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't tell him anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but there's no reason. They kill him and let you go.

[Robert Kelly]

They let me go to get back here and tell you what the fuck they meant to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They would have sent the message by killing both of you.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, Vinny, I swear to God fucking believe what I say when I say it. There's nothing I could have fucking done. There's nothing I could have done, okay? If I could have done it, I would have fucking done it. He was my friend, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Calm down. I loved him.

[Robert Kelly]

I loved him like a brother. And I don't want to fucking front of me. And I had to come back here and tell you. Cause I'm loyal. I'm loyal. Send me back. You send me back with Vincenzo and you send me back with Michael. And I'll take care of these. And they won't get away with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, listen, relax. Relax. You had a hard day, okay? Go back, go upstairs with the girls. You get yourself a little. You get yourself some food, you get yourself a drink. And you take it easy, okay? Hey, hey. Thank you, Stevie. You guys take him upstairs. You take care of him, okay? Hey, look.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't walk out of that room.

[Robert Kelly]

What? What'd you say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

Huh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said go up. You treat yourself. You get yourself nice. You get yourself a plate or something.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you so much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're going crazy over here.

[Robert Kelly]

I need something a little hungry because I'm morbidly obese. You know what I mean? If I wasn't so fat, I could have done something. I'm gonna lose weight. I swear to God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what I'm saying.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna get stomach surgery, and I'm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gonna get Dominic Lombardi' Dominic Lombardi rolls.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you got a point, Jay. You get a valid point. I will. I will accept your point. And you have a valid point.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

A little bigger than him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've looked also. I've just looked at movies, at parts I've gone out for before. And then you see it and you're like, oh, this went to, like, some jacked. He was supposed to be big and scary, actually.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Instead of a big, jolly idiot like me. Hey, other white supremacists, let's go destroy the store. No one's buying it.

[Robert Kelly]

I. It's so funny because I've. I've been in so many different things at so many different weight ranges. Even if you watch me on Law and Order, all the episodes I've done, I'm so. I'm physically a different person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That should be in your special skills and your resume. Weight yo yoing.

[Robert Kelly]

I can juggle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm really good at weight, yo yoing.

[Robert Kelly]

I can regular yo yo. And I can weight yo yo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those things. I can walk the dog. And now I can walk the dog again.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm willing to put on £72 in one week for this role.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm also willing to have innards removed if it'll make me get this role. You don't understand how bad I want this. I did today. I did an audition today. My second one in seven years. Zoom, zoom. And it was fine, but it was just, like, completely. Must be just looking at people.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me ask you a question. When you did the zoom, because I've done them. Are you looking at the camera or are you looking at the person reading with you on the screen?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was one in the same. They're right in front of me in the.

[Robert Kelly]

In the case because I was told by somebody, give it to the camera. Look right at the lens because they're looking at you. And if you looking down just a little bit, you look blind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. But mine came my things appearance. I have it set for that with zoom and everything. Right.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's an awkward thing to learn how to zoom audition.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But what's just awkward is that it's Completely. A straight three lines. But there's nothing. It's. There's nothing funny in the writing at all. I think on purpose.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you give us a variation of the lines but not the lines?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Oh, what a night, gang. And then someone's gonna go, yeah, that was amazing. And I go, oh, I'll put the thing in our group thread. So. Nah, you don't have to do that. Or no. Or someone goes, put. Put someone else in that group thread. And I go, what's your number? Nah, I'm not gonna join the group thread. All right, you know, maybe I will. But that wasn't even me. I'm the person who just says. I go, great job, everybody. And then I'm the person who goes, hey, I'll put the clips from tonight in the chain. And then I go, oh, yeah, what's your number? Those are my three lines.

[Robert Kelly]

And that. You got to do it. That's hard. That's harder than actually remembering a chunk of dialogue given one or two lines is a hard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just difficult. Go nowhere. But, you know, we'll see.

[Robert Kelly]

I say, you got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably already got it.

[Robert Kelly]

You already got it. Absolutely. You got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's playing a stand up.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So more important. I don't know what that was. That's what I said. That was more of like hearing voice and seeing face. And then I think the rest was. They're sending stand up over, right? So they're saying my special and one of my crowd work specials that are done sitting in the arms of Netflix, casually waiting to never watch it. Although I did do a move. I waited a few weeks with Netflix after it got sent to them. And then I texted Robbie, guy we know over there, and I was like, hey, now that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't get murdered or ruined Netflix, we could. Now's a great time. Probably watch those graphic special. Nothing. Nothing back.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Netflix is a weird place. They just launched Adrian Apolucci special.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. So funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Really funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's so good.

[Robert Kelly]

She's really good, man. She's a funny broad. Yeah, really broad. I mean, just uncomfortable. Stand up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. She goes. There's one great title. Dark Queen.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, really great. I really like her. Really like her a lot. I mean, you know, to hang out with her is kind of sad and depressing. I went to Louis, Leah's, Lou's assistant, Leah, her wedding. And we. We sat next to each other at the wedding. It was, you know, it's like sitting next to suicidal aunt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's like, it's nice to see people happy since we're all going to die.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, maybe I should have some cake before I hang myself in the bathroom.

[Christine Evans]

There's a thing that said you and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her, you were her or the same person.

[Christine Evans]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Can we watch that? That guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Total buddy. Total strikes again.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't. I love you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Got soda on. Sea sodas. You got a soda on a great one. I think you got Metzger, which I haven't seen metzgers yet. No, I'd almost be happy to watch the Metzger one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, bring. Bring mine. Mine was so funny because I was. He did one with me, but then he did a second one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now you have to go to YouTube for these. This is YouTube. No, it's from the Total Instagram. Yeah, no, go to YouTube. Go to YouTube.

[Robert Kelly]

Fans have reported is what it is. And I didn't know what angle he was going to take, but I was like, what the man? And he's so on the money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So he really.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, if you. He. If you look at her and you look at me, it's me. She is me, and I am he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She'd have a harder time playing you for Halloween. But you could play her for Halloween.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God, I could play. I should have played her for Halloween.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get some big glasses on you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, get some big gazoobas. Some big Italian. Big Jew. Italian gazoobs. She.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo. Yos too, man weight.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah, she lost weight and then called me fat at the Cellar one night. And then I knew I was getting the surgery. So like a year later I came.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Back in and she flip flopped.

[Robert Kelly]

She put all the weight back on. I just looked up and down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she's very pretty quick.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Adrian's really kind of. She's. What's it called? Unconventionally good looking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, especially when she shows picture. When she puts pictures up. Like throwback pictures. Like high school. I would have been all about Adrian Appalucci in high school. Yeah, for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll banger mom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just want to say the ones on Instagram are kind of concise. This is like a five minute video here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. Play the one on Instagram with me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I didn't know they have them separate.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, this one's great. This is me. What is it again, Jay? What's this? It's called Total Channel on Instagram and YouTube. But this one is where he. You just got to listen to it. It's great.

[Dan Soder]

Run into trouble. You see, the art of association is a tactic to help you climb a social ladder. But what happens when you reach the top? Well, now that Bobby is more famous than ever, he can't just change his story and become whatever the audience wants. And it's become exceedingly clear that Bobby Kelly doesn't have any material of his own. Fans have reported going to his stand up shows only to find Bobby running out of material 10 minutes in and doing strange endurance challenges for the rest of the set.

[Robert Kelly]

That is true. I. I had. I did 50 push ups last week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Endurance challenges. So funny.

[Robert Kelly]

That is true. I do run out 10 minutes in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And doing strange endurance challenges.

[Dan Soder]

Something Bobby's on the downward trend. I started to wonder if this too could be an act. And that's when I read this TNN article that alleges Bobby Kelly may be pulling some type of long con where he essentially kills off his own career, but only because he's secretly been building another.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right.

[Dan Soder]

Comedian Adrian Appalucci is actually really just Bobby Kelly in a wig. Seems that Bobby Kelly had mastered the art of association and moved on to the art.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look like Helen Hong.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, dude, if you look at the photo with my face on it and then it just goes to her actual photo, it's the exact same face. Me and her are the exact same fat right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So good.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, play it.

[Dan Soder]

There's plenty more strange things about this guy. Like Bobby has run into trouble.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, play the soda one. I want to see the soda one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He got so pretty.

[Robert Kelly]

This guy's good, man. This guy's hilarious.

[Dan Soder]

For a few months, Dan believed his friend would come to his senses and come back to their backyard wrestling domination. But that's when he saw it. His former wrestling partner, Lou the Bagel Vega had a hit song on mtv. And this was, of course, shocking to Dan, who didn't even know music or wore fedoras. It was like he was living through a nightmare. You see, up until now, Mamba music was Dan Soder's favorite and part of his entire identity. And though Dan didn't consider himself a songwriter, he had written a song called Mambo. Number Four now had not only betrayed him, but stolen his entire ICE identity.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dan was an impossible number four.

[Robert Kelly]

Dan's does anybody in the business have a more adorable face than Dan Soda?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's got a rom com face.

[Robert Kelly]

My lord, his eyes are magical.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's ready to fall in love with a sweet girl who just wears T shirts but she's pretty yeah, she's a.

[Robert Kelly]

Regular old girl yeah, he's ready to Adopt another dog?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she ran off to the big city, but then she came back and then Dan's just still there with his tucked in button down shirt on the ranch where she left him.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, those eyes are dreamy, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he's a real dream boat.

[Robert Kelly]

He really is. Those little creases around his I smile.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

24 hours a day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He wore a beard, looked fantastic. Yeah, Shaved it off. I guarantee you it's fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

When he sleeps, he sleeps with a smile. He's just a little smirk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm Dan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everything's going to be all right.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything's okay. You think back in the 80s, Dan would already be like on some hit sitcom?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, without a doubt.

[Robert Kelly]

Who would he be on Three's company? Would he be Jack, Mr. Furley or Larry? Good question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jack.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Who would you be, Larry?

[Robert Kelly]

I'd be Mrs. Roper.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Stanley.

[Robert Kelly]

Stanley.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stanley. And then. Yeah, and then you could be Mr. Roper. You could always say something about how disgusting Bobby's is and then laugh at the camera.

[Robert Kelly]

The roper, the robocloth to turn around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Norman fell when he broke the fourth wall.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was the greatest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He'd look at you. No, I'd be Larry for sure. There's some girls, the regal beagle. And they're almost unconscious. We can put them in our trunks. Hey, there's stewardesses down there. We could try to fuck them because they're so stupid. I tell you what, that was what the regal beagle was for. Fucking drunk stewardesses. And they're always foreign.

[Robert Kelly]

But the bartender was in on it. He would actually spike their drinks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah, what was the bartender's name? Did he have like there was something right? They used to call out his own name. Charlie, something like that. What was the bartender? The regal beagle?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, what a name.

[Christine Evans]

Early Diddy. Pre Diddy. Diddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Regal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Regal Beagle. Steve the bartender and Jim the bartender. Oh, they like the bartender Chris on the different episode titles. I love that. If you knew. If you know Three's Company episodes by episode titles. You're an ass. You're a dumb ass.

[Robert Kelly]

What was one of the episode titles?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jack on the Lamb or Chrissy and the Guru or the episode of Jack Goes the Distance.

[Robert Kelly]

So funny they have to name like podcasts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

What are we gonna name this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, yeah, that's the. What was the. Is that Friends? It's the one with whatever. Yes, the one with the one. Yeah. Black Lou. You're not supposed to be the one who says yes first. I tried to let the audience not hear that and say, anybody else say yes first. Any white guys want to say yes? Bad friends before Black Lou loses his black rights.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I just say something right now? Black Lew is murdering it. I've never seen stuff come up this fast on the fucking screen in my life. I mean, it sounds like a woodpecker over that keyboard. I mean, he hasn't looked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably listening live at home and so upset.

[Robert Kelly]

He hasn't looked at his fucking phone. Or put lip gloss on.

[Christine Evans]

It's like he's reading your thoughts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Christina wear lip gloss.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, come on. Stop sticking up. I'm making jokes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're gonna get her fired if she does. Though, I want it to be known that it was Bobby that did this.

[Robert Kelly]

I would never get Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, if you're home right now holding your tummy even though you tried desperately to come in, Bobby's happy you're not here.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not happy she's not here. I love when Christine's here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You prefer.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you do me a favor? Not make me Christine today?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You like to see it?

[Robert Kelly]

Can you not treat me like you treat Christine? You make me out to sound like a real fucking scummy slob. You do. You do make her sound like that. And it's terr.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she's home today, so better be clean when I get back.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's probably my fault.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is her fault. You know what? I need real Christine here. I don't like. I can't win a fight against computer Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't hit her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I can't hit stupid board. It's not gonna matter. It's gonna break something and charge me money.

[Robert Kelly]

You have black little hit back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the one where. The one where. Yeah. And then always sunny. Was the gang something? The gang does something. But the rest of them, you know, like the episode. The episode where people get molested on TV shows. Always have a name, like whatever the name of Bicycle Pete. Molesting Dudley and Arnold is called. Something hot. Yeah, yeah. The sexy episode. It's called Different Strokes.

[Robert Kelly]

After hours, they put a warning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kill your parents.

[Robert Kelly]

Sam, before we have this episode, you might want to put a pillow on your lap.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you don't want to get hard in front of your classmates. Do you know, son? Do you? Now, son, I told.

[Christine Evans]

I might have mentioned this before. There was another very special episode of Different Strokes where Dudley's father has a lung removed. And then at the end of. He's. Dudley's terrified. So I'm going to be all right, son. Don't worry about it. Now the he walks out of the Drummond's house and lights up a cigarette and it ends.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the dad lights him.

[Christine Evans]

Dad lights up a cigarette. He still doesn't give up smoking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because he's a man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right.

[Robert Kelly]

He's a goddamn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was the 80s. It was a death sentence anyway. Yeah, but it was already a death sentence. It's fine. Might as well smoke it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, smoke it out. Go out like a man. He'll grow up. He'll grow up fine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Welcome to Nada Yada Island.

[Robert Kelly]

Next on Nada Yada Island.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I knew I deserved so much more, so I left.

[Robert Kelly]

I finally switched to Metro and got what I was looking for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get one line for only $25 a month with autopay.

[Robert Kelly]

Just bring your phone to Metro and experience all the data you want on the largest 5G network. That's nada Yada yada.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Only at Metro by T Mobile. First month is $30. Bring your number and ID offer. Not available if with T Mobile or with Metro.

[Robert Kelly]

In the past 180 days, ABC Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like.

[Robert Kelly]

So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you look back at me and gave me a double bird.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was 18.

[Robert Kelly]

The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The wheels come off.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we try to talk to each.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Other like rational adults?

[Robert Kelly]

Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu. No. You say you'll learn a new language each year, but few actually follow through with this. Babel makes it easy for you to learn one in less time than you think. Babel's 10 minute lessons created by over 200 experts helps you start speaking a new language in three weeks or at your own pace. Como estas? I'm only on week one with focus on practical real world conversations. It makes learning to communicate easy and effective. It's been very, very easy. I've done it when I've been in the car. I've listened to it in the car when I've taken long drives. And it has been very, very helpful. I'm going to pick up this Spanish before you know it so I can finally talk to my own daughter. Listen, let's get more of you talking in a new language right now. Because Babel is gifting our listeners 60% off subscriptions at babbel.com bonfire and you get up to 60% off babbel.com bonfire spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com bonfire babbel.com bonfire rules and restrictions may apply this cold and flu season. Instacart is here to help deliver all.

[Robert Kelly]

Of your sick day essentials.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whether you're in prevention mode and need.

[Robert Kelly]

Vitamins, hand sanitizer, and that lemon tea.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medication, soup and.

[Robert Kelly]

A lot more tissues. Simply download the Instacart app to get sick day supplies that reinvigorate or relieve. Delivered in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy. $0 delivery fees on your first three orders excludes restaurant orders. Service fees and terms apply. Did you see the I sent the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Episode Dudley as it covered the hole in his throat. Dudley, I'm sorry I sat back. I was buying cigarettes when you got molested by bicycle Pete.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, do you see the episode I sent in with Mr. Brady? Did a made for TV movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I believe it was we went trans.

[Robert Kelly]

Robert Reed, where he went trans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He ended up being gay in life, right?

[Robert Kelly]

He was gay in life the whole time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really? Yeah, it wasn't like a hidden thing.

[Christine Evans]

That one's great, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, that seems like a thing that was a hit in Hollywood.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's so funny though, because he's such. He's still Mr. Brady. He just looks like Alice. It's so fun, kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, I've got something to tell you.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh. This is it right here. He's dressed like a, you know, like a man man back then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Suit, suit, overcoat, top coat.

[Robert Kelly]

Men always back then wear robes when they were home with their. With their suit shirt underneath.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I got a robe from Fully Loaded this year. Fully loaded tour. They sent it Seems like might be my robe. Might be the robe.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know, but it feels really good when you put it on. So maybe I'll become a robe person when I get out of apartment living. It's not. A robe's not for an apartment.

[Robert Kelly]

No robe is for a house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A robes for a home.

[Robert Kelly]

When you have to walk from room to room.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then go get the mail like Tony Soprano.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

And walk out in your flip flops.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And just wear a nice robe. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, buddy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't like robes either. Are you supposed to be naked in a robe?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no, no. You have your pajamas well, women.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Women will do robe because when they get out of the shower and stuff, it's like a terry cloth robe kind of thing. No, I would say robe is more for morning go outside, but I'm also like a morning go outside. Like, I'm already wearing basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt. That's like the robe of cool people.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but if you wore a robe. If I saw you outside of your building in a robe with basketball shorts. Yeah. One of your T shirts. That would look badass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, in my building, I look like they're. Like they would come try to get me off the block. Sarah, what are you doing? Have you escaped from somewhere?

[Christine Evans]

Kirby Allison wears a robe at night. And preparing for his morning. For the day. When he shaves, he wears his robe.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, because he doesn't want to get his PJs anything on it.

[Christine Evans]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what I do so he can get something? I. I want a smoking robe. I do my shaving smoking robe.

[Robert Kelly]

A lot of guys used to wear smoking robes. They go into the club, take their jacket off, put the smoking jacket on so that we get the smoke on the smoking jacket. I would love a smoking jacket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll get you a smoking jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd love to get you a smoking jacket.

[Robert Kelly]

That red one, the quilted one to the right. Right, Right there. That's a smoking jacket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is quilted the right answer?

[Robert Kelly]

I think so. I mean, you really don't need to correct it, but if you want to. Want to get detailed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I'm gonna get you a smoking robe.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice smoking robe for your shed.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna get you something.

[Christine Evans]

Two thousand dollars robe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's an advertisement for something ties.

[Robert Kelly]

A two thousand dollar robe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's an advertisement.

[Robert Kelly]

Send Jay that link.

[Christine Evans]

Sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, I don't want to click that guy at all. That guy seems like an. Why is his neck a foot and a half? Long neck.

[Robert Kelly]

He has good posture.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that the gay gentleman? You guys follow and see what he does.

[Robert Kelly]

That is Kirby, who went to Cuba, by the way. Yeah, and Jacob sent me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he also go try to find cigars in the middle of the darkness?

[Christine Evans]

He might be an easier time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Versace. Well, here's the problem with this. I would say there's a black version of that that our good friend Louis J. Gomez already has. And it's Versace. I have a pair of Versace sunglasses outside that Versace is not my thing. A giant Medusa head isn't my logo. I'd say.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I Would say some people like it. I do like that middle Versace. Wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like a cheetah. It's like a pink black cheetah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the one I would wear if I was gonna wear with.

[Robert Kelly]

With a. I don't know, like a Roman empress belt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Belt.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Almost like a geisha of some sort.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that looks hot. I like the sleeves on that. I could see you in that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But. Yeah, but Lewis has a Black Versace robe.

[Robert Kelly]

$950.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that all? Well, it's a robe though.

[Christine Evans]

You're gonna love the feel. Well, I can only speak for Kirby's. This one is 100 English silk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Here's the thing about silk. It's not holding any qualities of robe though at that point. That's pure look.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's.

[Christine Evans]

You're supposed to wear your 36 ounce.

[Robert Kelly]

Your Dick Van Dyke PJ's underneath it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, the button down top. PJ.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does he work? Does he wear full pajamas? Kirby Elson. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's. He's being an. For the sake of being an.

[Christine Evans]

Now why do you know a gentleman wears.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do you say that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because nobody wears pajamas. Full pajamas. Nobody wears button down pajamas. Hey, you know, be really good to sleep in a long sleeve button down shirt and sweatpants.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you tried it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It? Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

You've tried the button.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We all tried it when we were younger. Absolutely. Someone bought you a pajama set and you put a pajama set on. You felt like a jerk off and you slept uncomfortable and the pants twisted around. The buttons were all stretched. It sucked.

[Robert Kelly]

I never did that. I had the onesie with the feetsies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How old were you?

[Robert Kelly]

I was 13. No, I was young.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You asked Christine what it was? Yeah, she sent it. Oh, is that it? That's the rope. This robe is nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Why is it nice?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Some of them look. Look at the sleeves first of all. You see it's got actual like at the wrists.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's got the elastic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Elastic wrists.

[Robert Kelly]

Like a hoodie. Yes, it's a hoodie robe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a hoodie robe and it's really. It lays heavy but it's thin. Does that make sense? It lays very heavy though.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. It was a very good description.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I liked it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's almost like describing.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like cool but warm. It is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, you're so giddy because Paul Versi's coming in. Both guys love each other. People love each other.

[Robert Kelly]

I do love or he's Italian. I'm Italian. I might. I might start to. Sometimes I get around Italian people, I get a little more. A little more guinea.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. You guys gonna fungal it up in here?

[Robert Kelly]

You know, I assimilate. I assimilate. I'm an assimilator. When I'm around people, I turn into those people. Just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, Matthew McConaughey just said on Two Birds, One Cave that that's what a dork is.

[Robert Kelly]

Call me whatever you want.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He said, a nerd is cool, but a dork is somebody who just tries to be like Paul Versi because he's Italian. I start talking Italian like him. You guys are gonna be doing this to each other.

[Robert Kelly]

We're gonna be doing. We're using a hand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Stu Gotts.

[Robert Kelly]

Stu Guts. This is the clip of Robert Reed, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is. This is the Brady father.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a movie, I think. What's the movie called?

[Christine Evans]

Medical Center.

[Robert Kelly]

Medical center, where Mike Brady, where he transitions, but the.

[Christine Evans]

Well, he announces he's going to transition.

[Robert Kelly]

He's gonna announce. But then they cut to. When they cut the end. It's so jarring to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does it look like one of the. The prisoners that Kamala Harris said she get sex changes?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, it's. It's nuts, man. Cuz they didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those pictures are my favorite thing ever.

[Robert Kelly]

You figure they had the makeup that they could have gone a little further with it. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

70S.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. They did not. They did not. This is definitely TV magic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is on a budget.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a budget.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It a softness that comes with ingesting 1 estyl 5 milligrams daily as well as 1 provera 10 milligrams daily for two years. Is everybody Robert Reed in the scene? What are you saying to me, Pen? I've been taking female hormones. That's why I came home. I've completely completed the hormonal phase of sexual reassignment, and I walked the surgical end of it performed at Medical Center.

[Robert Kelly]

You're telling me you want to become a woman? Wait. Wait for it. Wait for it. Tv, close up. Holy shit. I would have screamed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hi, I'm a beautiful lady now.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that. She's sitting by the window looking at the lights of the city.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm very happy now that I've become a lady.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that when you transition, you think you have to do lady things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'll be here. He goes, oh, let me go over by my fainting couch. I'm getting flushed.

[Robert Kelly]

Who put these pipes here? Get them out. They stink. Where's my Tea.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, deary. I say, oh, deary now. Oh, deary.

[Robert Kelly]

I know it's hot inside. I had to open the window because you have to wear a scarf around my neck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So what happens? Well, he leaves his wife, takes the kids, hooks up with some other lady who's got three kids. The kids are the older, two kids are probably fucking, and then this guy fucking gets a pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

Doesn't he look like Alice?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Really? He really does look like Alice.

[Robert Kelly]

He looks exactly his.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Alice and B. Davis.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Alice's stupid haircut.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like only serial killers. Lewis and Alice are the people who give a. About their middle initial in life. And B. Davis, Luis J. Gomez.

[Robert Kelly]

What a trip, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yikes.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I didn't. I never heard of this, but this must have been. I mean, really edgy back in the day. And this had to be after Brady Bunch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't get Brady back then. It's so funny. Like now you'd hear the happy Brady Bunch music when someone goes, goes, I think I'm turning into a woman. They go.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Alice. Oh, my nose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, alice, Alice, I gotta tell you something. He goes, I'm sorry. I keep making that mistake, but I'm your. I'm your mother. Father.

[Christine Evans]

By the way, that wasn't a movie. That was a TV series around medical center 69 to 76.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

69, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

So he didn't. It wasn't even a movie. He just did a TV episode.

[Christine Evans]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's episodic.

[Robert Kelly]

Holy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like going back and playing like a. Like a terrible, like, pedophile rapist on suu. And then you pop. Get popular.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, so this is before Brady Bunch. No, this is after. Check what has to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They've done some good. You ever see the Martin Short Law and Order svu?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When he's. He's multiple personalities.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then when he. When he gives the final reveal at the end, he starts talking. He's like, you know, I bring up Martin Short, please, on svu. It was such a dumb role for Martin Short, but it was him taking his. He was making a dramatic turn. I think this is called in films a dramatic turn. When things stop getting funny, start getting real.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Everybody has to do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you remember Tammy from the Real World?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You do? Yeah. Tammy Shoes, season two. It was San Fran. Right. And that was the one where David Edwards. You remember David Edwards?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. David Edwards is a fucking real pain in my ass for a long time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a pain in a lot of people's ass for A lot. He went crazy because he made me.

[Robert Kelly]

He went to Boston and he's like, yo, man, can I come? I gotta. I got a plan. In the morning. For three weeks, he basically did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He did the. Kurt.

[Robert Kelly]

He came to my house. He's like, just let me hang there for a little bit. Came back to the house on 97th Street. And then I was like, all right, dude, I gotta leave. I'm leaving tomorrow, you know, two. So I woke up and I'm ready to leave. He's like, all right, man. I was like, come on, let's go. He's like, I'm leaving a little later. And I was like, well, what are you gonna do? He's like, I'll leave a little later, man. I'll lock up. And he just pushed me out my door and shut the door on me. And I just stood there and looked at it like, I don't know what to do right now. I just left Dave Edwards in my house, and I don't even really know him, and he's just in my apartment. And I. I don't know when he left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He did. He stayed with Kurt for like a month and a half or something. And we just go home to his house every day. And Curtis didn't know what to say.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you just don't know what to say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And also, we're so young in comedy that we're. Also. Some part of us is going like. Like, this guy was on tv. He was in Half Baked for that one scene. He's like. You're like. Like, he's a working comic. Like, he's on MTV and stuff. Like, this is a big deal.

[Robert Kelly]

I was opening for him, and you realize.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you find out that he's like. He's like a broke, like, failure dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I was opening for him, and he was the first guy who I saw buy, like, jewelry at the mall. Like, we were walking through and he's like, yo, how much of that gold bracelet? And I bought it. And then he just bought. It was like 400 bucks. And he was like, yeah, I'll take it. And he just wore. I was like, oh, my God, he must be making so much money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You must be a bazillionaire, sir.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you figure something out in comedy that I'm unaware of? You have 400 extraneous dollars.

[Christine Evans]

Update. So Robert Reed was the Brady Bunch in 74. And then that was a two parter, a medical center that aired in 75. So right after the Brady Bunch, he.

[Robert Kelly]

Just said, I'm gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm so gay. I'm dress like a lady on tv. I'm so sick of masculine. I've been such a masculine father for so long on tv. I'm going to play a lady now just to even things out.

[Robert Kelly]

But I've been dying to my oldest son for six seasons.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Dave. Dave Edwards, did you find the Martin Short thing? Yeah, the reveal. You play that actually. Except then I'll tell you the Dave Edwards because I find this stratoba someone people who work fame for years with no talent is awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

We do know a couple of those people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not talking about Dave Edwards. Oh, somebody else from that.

[Robert Kelly]

I know, I know. There's people that work fame for a long time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Let's figure out who after this. Good. Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He plays a someone who's caused you a lot of pain.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is it's a man Law and Order svu.

[Robert Kelly]

It's someone very important in your life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's before life and time hit Olivia Benson with a swing with a fucking axe kick to the face. I don't know what happened, but she has become a handsome woman now. She was stunning for years.

[Robert Kelly]

Mr. Brady looks better than her in drag.

[Christine Evans]

Wait, is that the one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She never has a face like this. Face is always furrowed.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they're not, you know, when I did it, they're not nice. Like I was so excited to do this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This show. Because this was like one of my favorite law and orders.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want to try on Ice T's ponytail?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I didn't get the scene with Ice Tea. I got the scene with her and the other dude who I love the other dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stabler.

[Robert Kelly]

Stabler.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

And when they walked in, I was like, I was waiting to be like, hey, how you doing? And they came in and I was like, hey, what's up? How you guys doing? And they just walked. They looked at me up and down and walked right by me and I was just crushed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

It sucked a bag.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Mariska Hargitay, turn the around. Talking to you.

[Robert Kelly]

I wish you were there is debt.

[Christine Evans]

The woman who those character has a. A nine year old bisexual kid that comes out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the one nine year old bisexual. But it's not her child. You see, she bequeathed the show. She was bequeathed the child by a criminal informant. She had. That was a drug, a drug addict and had this kid. And then because of Olivia Benson's, you know, mishaps start ensuing on the show. This kid's mother gets killed. And then the courts find, well, clearly what should happen is we should give the child to a police officer who is single and has no stability in their home. In fact, it's often times had problems happen at their very home. Kidnapped, broken into shootouts. All these things happen in the home. But, yeah, you should take the baby. That's less dangerous than a crack house, I guess. Another house of violence. It was wonderful. Yeah, that kid, he goes, everyone was making fun of someone being gay, so I told them, I'm bi. And it's like, you're nine? And she was like. But instead, she goes, that. Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm gonna have you sent away. Hey, can you tell me who told you that in your school so I can beat the. Out of their parents, Please. Eight years old, you know you're bi. We want a concept. Eight years old, I'm bi. Really? You're having sexual thoughts about boys and girls? Okay, all right.

[Robert Kelly]

He's been busy at work. I'm sorry, but I see him with other women. Oh, my God. How do you know that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, see if you can find. Don't just do Martin Short. Do ending episode. Ending where, like, when he turns because he does some weird voice, he's like.

[Robert Kelly]

It was me the whole time. He turns into this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They have to use his character.

[Robert Kelly]

Fat interviewer. What's his name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the highly deranged. Maybe go to the end of this. Oh. Oh, no. We're signed in The Black Lew's YouTube. I. I don't want to be this guy. We have to get, like, special from yours, unfortunately. Ooh. Oh, this is embarrassing for everybody. Don't worry about this. We don't do it. I think it's.

[Christine Evans]

Do you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're losing it right here. Maybe untouched when we met.

[Robert Kelly]

Why'd you come here? You know, if you hadn't, you might have gotten away with it.

[Christine Evans]

Well, I had to.

[Robert Kelly]

See what I'd said into my ocean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your expressions were priceless. Evil Martin Short.

[Robert Kelly]

He's still not.

[Christine Evans]

I don't like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Robert Kelly]

He's so not evil.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's like, I cut her head off. I must say. I must say.

[Christine Evans]

I wanted to bring up. There's a. I haven't watched. Every time I'm in Florida, my mom is watching 91 1. The amount of horrific things that Angela Bassett's character goes through. Personally, dude, she's in a Poseidon Adventure. She's on a cruise ship. The ship gets turned upside down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Christine Evans]

The next week, she has to pilot a plane, like a Delta flight on the ground.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think the Thing is, Angel Bass. So they're all black things where it's like Carnival Cruise Lines flipped over and like spirit air, everything goes haywire.

[Christine Evans]

The amount of horrific things that happens to one person. Like, if one cruise upside down would be enough for you, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, one pig in a record store in Cuba was enough for me.

[Christine Evans]

Right? It's weekly. What happens to these unbelievable events? One person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, this is. She's got nothing, and I mean nothing. On detective officer through Captain Olivia Benson. Olivia Benson has lived 1 million lives. She's been kidnapped, beaten, raped. She's the child of rape. And somehow they passed a clinical psychiatric evaluation that says, I know you're a rape baby. So you probably won't take rape personally though, right? You'll just be able to be a good cop. And that fueled by rage of your mother's rape.

[Christine Evans]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not going to be looking for some never ending vendetta against the world because your mother, in fact was a rape victim. And then you weirdly went into exclusively rape crimes. Yeah, you know what? We'll look into it later.

[Robert Kelly]

But what about her getting raped while she was there? That wouldn't affect her at all either, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean while she was.

[Robert Kelly]

Didn't she get raped too?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Olivia. Oh, also herself got raped.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, so that helps.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But she didn't get pregnant. So she took a child from a junkie. She got murdered.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It all works out. At the end of the day, Ice T cut his ponytail off. Everybody comes and goes. Multiple people have died. Stabler quit acting altogether.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think he cut it off. I think it fell off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But she has the face of a 40 year vet on the force. I will tell you, it aged her. It aged the actress, Mariska Hargitay. Like an actual cop.

[Robert Kelly]

She looks like a Russian hockey player.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's crazy how. And they can't. They can't pretty it up at all.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see. Can I see what she looks like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, by the way, I'm far from saying this woman is ugly, but she's just become an older lady very overnight, it seems.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't believe I remember watching that Martin Short episode. That was when I was watching them, like when they come out on Thursdays. And me kind of being laughable that Martin Short was there for how she looks now compared to that video. We just. I couldn't. I would have said she looked exactly now like she did then, but she was beautiful. But she is. No, no, no, no. You got to see her on the show. On the show. She looks like she never sleeps.

[Robert Kelly]

She looks like Bonnie now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't you dare.

[Robert Kelly]

She's only like 60. Is she 60? Yeah, barely. That's not bad for 60. Like, for 60. That's not bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me see. Is that how old she is? Your age? Yeah. Let's see how old she is. What's her. What's her real name? I'm sorry? Mariska Hargitay. It's right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, she's 60. Wow. She looks good for 60, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. I'm just saying, she went from 40 to 60.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like overnight one day, came out of the pandemic hard. Is that what it was?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's when I started noticing it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's the last few seasons. She just like. She comes in, she looks like. Like she forgot how to move. Sexy even, like, girlishly. Everything's very brutish. She's very guy like. See, they put her in these big awful glasses. She always had to look up from where she's looking. She goes, let me see that. And she puts in these awful glasses. Leather jackets. But she used to be so hot.

[Robert Kelly]

They should have transitioned her into a judge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she'd be a hot judge.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you know who they had as a judge on this view? That was a. Talking about a transition. You were supposed to believe that Angela from who's the Boss Was attractive enough that this muscular Italian was madly in love with her and her eventually gay son.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, her fuzzy hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And do you ever see her when she's a judge on Law and Order? I mean, she looks like Bea Arthur's ugly sister.

[Robert Kelly]

She was in the lobby last week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Before I left a cube.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Judith Light. Oh, yeah. I saw her name on the screen.

[Robert Kelly]

She was in the lobby when I walked in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yikes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yikes is right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She became a real old lady. Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it always hits him in the neck first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Angela.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But man, when she was younger, I fell for it. I was like, oh, I guess she's like the. The person of interest, you know? I mean, I was like, she's the girl who Tony likes. I guess for some reason she's a.

[Robert Kelly]

Hot Italian looking chick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't mean that.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't. I don't think you want to call me on it, but you're right, I don't. What about that one right there? Oh, you can see a rib cage in the middle of her chest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man, you really can.

[Robert Kelly]

Man, her feathered hair. Remember feathered hair?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love judging women who have fallen off.

[Robert Kelly]

It is. Is Fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. Makes me so happy about women falling off.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, wait, that's not her. Jesus Christ.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's her.

[Robert Kelly]

That's her. Oh, God. Sunken eye sockets. Is that her? That's not her naked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She having a threesome with Tony. Tony and Samantha.

[Robert Kelly]

Looks like she's having a threesome with Lou and Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She looks like she's a crazy person. Like her face looks like an unpleasant lady who yells and doesn't want you to go on her lawn. Always.

[Robert Kelly]

Great actress. I saw her on Broadway, do a play. I think it was about Babe Ruth or some.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She played Babe Ruth?

[Robert Kelly]

No, she.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She played Ty Cobb.

[Robert Kelly]

No, Lou. Lou Garrett.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

But she was actually. She was really good on Broadway.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, Lou. He says we gotta take a break.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do we have to take a break?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Too much fun. But you know, Lou, honest to God, for keeping the show on pace like that, I appreciate it. It's a pivot for you. Christine's not here, so the Pivens are gonna rain.

[Robert Kelly]

I wonder if I got out. Give Paula Piven. Oh, what the f. What's that? What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not gonna get my Piven joke.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not gonna.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then you're gonna be like. It's this new thing Jay does.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not gonna do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay does his new thing. He thinks it's funny because we all get a pivins if we do the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Give me a pivot, you lose a pivot. Okay, that's up. I would never turn on you. Thank you, Lou. What the is wrong with you? For that, you get a piven from me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How's that pivot for Lou?

[Robert Kelly]

Pivens for Louis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he's gonna. He's gonna leave work early. You keep throwing these pivots, I'm getting off this roof in one piece.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got his together. Let me get that pivot back. It's too much for you right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's too much. Too much.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't. You can't handle two pivots that quick. We're gonna ease them into it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bob, you got some gigs coming up this weekend. Yeah, okay, I know, but. Next thing you have is gonna be what, Mars Plains, New Jersey.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that the dojo?

[Robert Kelly]

Dojo is coming up? Up? Yes, I got the dojo. Come this weekend. I have to. Some stuff came up I have to take care of. I really apologize.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice Beacon, New York coming up, though. Kansas City. Those are all happening. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. So all that stuff's happening. Go to punch up live Robert Kelly. My special's up there. If you haven't watched it, take a look. I might be throwing that on YouTube soon. What do you think about that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, it's funny. My thing got relaunched. Like, I guess 800 pound gorilla comes in and they relaunch. Like your special ask. Yeah, can they license it or something?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To put it on their page. And so I saw some comments under. I'm like, oh, I wonder how people are. Like, maybe it's like a new audience who hasn't seen it yet or see. And then the first 50 comments I saw were like, this is old. I already saw this.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do you feel the need? I don't comment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, at all. I know this already happened.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They asked me if they could do it. I didn't even ask for this.

[Robert Kelly]

Big J will be in Louisville Comedy Club this weekend, Friday, Saturday night. Then he'll be In Houston, Philly, St. Louis for New Year's Eve. Legion of Skanks bumped poor Danny Braff right out of his only headlining gig this year. Maybe ever. Maybe ever at the Dojo of Comedy, which is a great comedy club in New York.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was gonna be a big, big, big night for a family. Flew up, I heard.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, his family lives there an.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hour and a half early.

[Robert Kelly]

His mom was heartbroken. For tickets and all of the tour days. BigJ.Comedy.com and make sure you go to the podcast and like, subscribe YouTube, all of our stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

Get a quote today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Restrictions apply. USA.