Noah's Smelly Ark

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: “Noah’s Smelly Ark”
Air Date: March 24, 2026
Host: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive deep into the chaos of life on the comedy road, centering around Jay’s latest stay at a notorious Jacksonville hotel. The duo’s signature blend of frank honesty, biting humor, and unfiltered storytelling brings listeners a hilarious exploration of relationships, old-school hygiene, biblical absurdities, and the unparalleled weirdness of America’s motels.

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Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Marriage, Fighting, and Relationship Dynamics

[01:15–04:12]

• Jay and Bobby trade marriage stories, focusing on the changing dynamics of arguing with their wives—when “giving up” on fights marks a new chapter.
• Bobby laments that his wife has “given up” in arguments, signaling (jokingly) she may want him dead:

  "This is why I know she's done with me. We fight now, she gives up." — Bobby [02:11]

• Jay reveals that he and Christine don’t fight because they “communicate so little there’s nothing to fight about.”
• Both riff on the virtues of passionate fights vs. quiet resignation, emphasizing how communication styles shift in long-term relationships.

2. Parenting, Awkward Teen Moments, and Growing Up

[06:20–11:06]

• Bobby recounts picking up his son Max and finding him with “two hot chicks.” Jay teases Bobby’s description, highlighting the awkwardness and dangers of teenage independence.

  “Don’t call them hot, they’re kids.” — Jay [08:23]

• They riff on generational differences in parenting: whether Max is being a “baller” or just a soft touch for a free pizza.
• Both joke about their own childhoods, with Bobby claiming he “was banging at 10 or 11,” drawing Jay’s measured incredulity.

3. Biblical Nonsense: Noah’s Ark and Genetic Diversity

[12:01–14:54]

• The title theme emerges as Jay and Bobby scorn the plausibility of Noah’s Ark, from its lack of genetic diversity:

  "There's not enough genetic diversity. Everyone would be inbred within one cycle." — Producer Jacob [12:49]

• They joke about the practicality of animals coexisting peacefully, and the logical gymnastics required to believe the story.
• Musical tangents are used for satirical history lessons—Bobby “learns” through songs like “All You Zombies” (The Hooters) and “Run to the Hills” (Iron Maiden).

4. Hygiene, Historical Grossness, and the Smell of the Ark

[17:01–28:41]

• A deep-dive into historical filth: how did people use the bathroom on Noah’s Ark, old pirate and pioneer ships, and in the Wild West?
• Jacob posits the core question:

  “Must have stunk on the ark; all the animals and all the people have to make a duty. Where does it go?” — Jacob [17:01]

• The crew theorizes about slatted floors, gravity chutes, and God “taking the duty away.”
• A hilarious and graphic tangent on early toilet hygiene — moss, leaves, corn cobs, and communal ass-wiping strings (“I would use it as like a digging dude.” — Jay [27:18]).

5. Hotel Shitshow: Jay’s Report from Jacksonville

[33:52–54:12]

• Jay details his misadventures at a seedy Ramada/Wyndham-hosted hotel, accommodation for the local Comedy Zone.

  “Always stay there for the chaos… I love chaos.” — Jay [35:49]

• He arrives feeling sick, only to navigate flooded carpets, broken switches, missing smoke detectors, wet towels, sketchy characters (used needle caps, acrylic nails), and the world’s most horrifying bathtub:

  “My tub looks like what a person throws up when they’re being exorcised.” — Jay [53:53]

• Bobby and Jay swap tips for vetting hotel rooms (remote controls, bedbug checks, strange smells).
• Jay’s socks are soaked with mystery fluid (“probably piss jizz blood tears”), and the replacement room is barely an improvement.

6. Clubs, Comedy, and the Perverse Love of Chaos

[55:19–59:44]

• Despite the horrors, Jay expresses love for the club, describing the staff as sweet and the audiences as forgiving during his illness.
• The “zoo-like” atmosphere is explored: “At night, it’s like a ghetto zoo. You just watch people do shit.” — Bobby [58:58]
• Jay shares run-ins with the club’s owners (always named “Fred”), and the bizarre Saturday-morning stand-up “workshops” for local comics.

7. Old-School Hygiene and Sexual Realities

[28:01–32:00]

• The duo riffs on the realities of sex and relationships before modern plumbing:

  “Having sex with girls back in the day—it must've sucked. Just sucked. Oh yeah, the smell.” — Bobby [28:04]

• They conclude everyone was gross, and you simply got used to it—or tried to.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On modern relationships:
  “She thought you’d be dead by now.” — Jay [01:34]

• On parenting:
  “Max should’ve hit you up and been like, ‘Dad, flush out the backseat, I got girls coming.’” — Jay [10:28]

• On Noah’s Ark:
  “There was an arc with two giraffes, two dogs—shut the fuck up.” — Bobby [12:10]

• On ancient hygiene:
  “Soft moss is gonna be mushing around… I’ll go for the soft moss after a good scraping with that corn cob.” — Jay [27:06]

• On hotel horror:
  “Where the hooker knife fight started… now I’m at the epicenter.” — Jay [48:32]
  “My tub looks like what a person throws up when they’re being exorcised. There was an exorcist. That’s the way to get a demon out of a little girl.” — Jay [53:52]

• On weird workshops:
  "Certainty is my favorite style of comedy. If you can be confident, not funny, you're still gonna get away with it." — Bobby [63:17]

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Key Timestamps

• 01:15–04:12: Marriage, relationship fights, difference in communication styles.
• 06:20–11:06: Story about Max & the awkwardness of teenage independence.
• 12:01–14:54: The logic of Noah’s Ark, genetic diversity, and musical “history.”
• 17:01–28:41: Tangent on toilet history, biblical animal duty, and corn cobs as hygiene.
• 33:52–54:12: The hotel horror story — sodden carpets, broken rooms, mysterious stains, and infectious bathtubs.
• 55:19–59:44: Club ownership, zoo-like motel antics, and Saturday comedy workshops.
• 28:01–32:00: Gross-out humor on historical sex and body odor.

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Tone & Style

The tone is unapologetically crude, observational, and quick-witted, seamlessly blending gross-out comedy with relatable gripes about travel, aging, and relationships. Moments of nostalgia, mock history, and friendly banter between Jay, Bobby, and their producer Jacob give the show its spontaneous and irreverent flair.

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In Short:
This episode is a wild, funny, and sometimes disgustingly honest journey through comedy life’s “trench” stories: bad hotels, wifely indifference, biblical ridicule, and the reminder—delivered with crackling chemistry—why some comics stay on the road for the chaos. A must for listeners who love their comedy raw, real, and a little bit dirty.

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For Tour Dates:

• BigJayComedy.com
• Robert Kelly Comedy YouTube

Catch The Bonfire
Live Monday–Thursday at 5pm Eastern/2pm Pacific on SiriusXM Faction Talk, Ch. 103

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Yeah, this is what dawn sings to me at night while I'm sleeping. In my ear. I hear. I hear her whispering this in my ear.

[C]

You're a heavy sleeper, my man.

[B]

She really wants me gone, Jay. You know that? She's. I think she's mad that I got my health together. She's bummed out that I'm working out, eating right. She almost had it. She almost had it all. A whole new lease on life four years ago.

[C]

She thought you'd be dead by now.

[B]

She thought I'd be gonzo. Getting a nice GoFundMe going, maybe a benefit for a couple years. Move back to Massachusetts to hang out with Karen and fucking Tracy and all her friends that she doesn't get to see anymore.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Tina down in.

[C]

That's the idea. That they'll get to enjoy their old age without you.

[B]

Well, yeah, of course. That's what. She can have it. She can have it. I love it. I love it. I love being married. I love being around her. But I think she wants me to die. Die?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If she wants it, she's fine.

[C]

Being married until you die.

[B]

This is why I know she's done with me. We fight now she gives up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When they give up, when they go, okay, you're done.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Or when you don't put it. When they don't put up a fight. When. When I'm like, you knew you do this and then you did that, and that's why you got to stop. Okay. Okay, I'll do that. Okay. Well, all right. I'm just saying. I'm sorry. I'll do. Okay, she's done.

[C]

What is it? Me and Christine don't fight at all. Yeah, but we have nothing to fight. We don't, like, communicate enough to fight.

[B]

Yeah, you have to communicate.

[C]

Which is better, though? Well, you know, one giving up.

[B]

One gives up, I think.

[C]

Or that both people just, like, fight about what? For what? Like, who cares?

[B]

I think. I think you're in the better fucking pole position, baby.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Just to be around and not even have it be an issue.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah. I'm leaving. Okay. See. See you. All right. I'm back for a minute. I'm leaving again. All right, bye. Yeah, see you later. I'm taking off too. Okay. Yeah, it's because we. Just to see a woman just in her face just go, yeah, I'm sick of. I'm sick of you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm okay. She used to. We used to fight. Do we have good fights? I like a nice fight. I like a nice argument. You know, you get to the root of it. You kind of. She lets her out, you know, she would get to the point where she would be, like, mad enough. And, you know, because she. I let out. I'm an open book. I'm a vulnerable, you know. You know, I feel this and I feel I go to Alan too much. I've been going to AA meetings. I express myself too much. But she's, you know, she's a old Pollock from Everett. She just buries it and holds on to it, but when it comes out, it comes out like a volcano. And then we get somewhere and then we can hold each other and it's nice. I like a nice fight. I like the nice makeup after the fight. But now she's just. She's just going, okay. Okay.

[C]

Do you guys always have resolution at the end of fight?

[B]

We used to. This morning we didn't. This morning we had, you know, we had a little argument, you know, with the way she. Here's the problem. I, I, I don't like the way I. I'd rather have somebody yell at me than give me tone. I hate tone. I hate tonal. You know what I mean? Like, I have you, dude. Stop being a fucking idiot. Rather than. Stop doing that. You're doing that wrong. That's wrong. Stop doing that. I don't like that. Just, Just, you know, I mean, have a consequence. Fucking tell them to knock it off and move on. You.

[D]

You.

[B]

She raises her tone up to the point, but she never yells, so she can always be like, I Wasn't yelling. Yeah, I wasn't yelling.

[C]

And you were yelling already.

[B]

Yeah, but there's different. There's different time. But listen, there's yelling. Go yourself off, you know, and then there's tone yelling. Passive aggressive yelling.

[C]

She tone yells.

[B]

She tones yells. So in a court of law, if the cops do have to show up and there was videotape of it, they'd be like, she wasn't yelling.

[C]

You were freaking out.

[B]

I was.

[C]

And you hand talk.

[B]

Yeah, I broke the. You know. Yeah, I grab stuff. You know, I do that. But I'm. Here's. Here's my plan is that I've been slowly eliminating yelling out of my life.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

So I'm not going to yell anymore.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And I'm going to give tone back.

[C]

All right.

[B]

How's that?

[C]

I like that.

[B]

I'm slowly. With Alan. The help of Alan and betterhelp. I love better help.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Code bonfire slash bonfire for free stuff.

[C]

Yeah, probably right. Something like that.

[B]

Eliminating tone. I'm going to give her back what she gives me. So let's practice a little bit. Say some stuff to me that would usually set me off.

[C]

Hmm. Bob, you're doing the thing again I asked you not to do already once.

[B]

Yeah, but I. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. I messed up. You're right. I won't do it again.

[C]

I'm seeing other people.

[B]

Thank God. Thank God. Can I watch? I just want to jerk off.

[C]

Can I watch?

[B]

I would love to watch.

[C]

Be there for it.

[B]

Can I be there for me and Max? I. Dude, this is crazy. Yesterday Maxi calls me up. He's like, yo, dad, I'm at the party. He go, Just goes, I'm going out with friends. Okay. Takes off out the house, which I love.

[C]

It turns out my new friend was a pedophile. Come pick me up. Well, he said he wasn't a 15 year old kid. He was. Turns out it was an adult with a van.

[B]

Adult? A math teacher. Junior high math teacher. Hang on one second.

[C]

I want that little boy to come in my face. I want that little boy.

[B]

Come on, Jacob.

[C]

Oh, thanks. Little boy

[B]

can sing that, but not the other word. Yeah, so he calls me like an hour later. He's up at the park near our house, which the only thing you have to worry about is a pedophile.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You know, it does have trails in the back where old dudes walk their dogs.

[C]

Pedophiles.

[B]

I go a lot. I've caught nothing. I've come up empty handed.

[C]

Have you worn your Short shorts to really, like a dog whistle.

[B]

No, I haven't done that. Damn it. I didn't even think of that.

[C]

Have you thought about dressing clown in the woods?

[B]

Know, I'm just dressing like them. I'm wearing a couple sweaters and a vest. You're right. I got to start dressing hotter about

[C]

possibly a van and a full clown costume.

[B]

I got to start dressing hotter and. And. And z up. Doodles a little more in her. Fluff her out a little bit. Everybody loves a bernadoodle with the long hair.

[C]

Who don't?

[B]

But so he calls me up and he goes, because you pick us up, my friends, we want to go downtown, but we don't want to walk. It's a little far and cold. So I just zip up. I'm like, yeah, whatever. I zip up to the park, grab. I pull over, don't even look. I just see him with two other people, get in the car. They get in the back seat. I'm kind of giving him. Because the back seat's messy. I'm like, dude, you know you got your gi back there. And he's like, and the two. All of a sudden I hear, hi, Mr. Kelly. It was two hot chicks, okay? Like, hot girls that he was hanging out with.

[C]

Don't call them hot. They're kids.

[B]

No, they were 28.

[C]

Oh, then yeah. Yeah, okay, then, yeah, they were hot.

[B]

I guess you're right. I can't call them hot. They were pretty young.

[C]

Two hot chicks, dude. Hot to go. I could smell them ovulating. I could see the heave of their fresh bosom.

[B]

Their volcano tits were turning into real boobs.

[C]

They were becoming women before my very eyes.

[B]

They were pretty young girls. They were pretty girls. Well, usually not, you know. You know, the girls he's dated have been like, you know, goofy little theater girls, you know, whatever. These were like, you know, for that age bracket, very pretty young girls.

[C]

He wasn't dating them, though.

[B]

I don't know what he was doing with him. He was hanging out with two chicks

[C]

in the woods, probably spending his money. If I. Yeah, I think if I have any. If My guess would be, yeah, as someone who's been in this position, and maybe Max is a player baller.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What that reads to me, if I'm putting myself in that when I was younger, that was the girls going, he'll pay for some stuff. For sure.

[B]

They didn't.

[C]

Well, and I would get caught with that a lot. It's like, of course all the girls want to go out for a pizza after school. And some French fries. And then when the bill comes, then they're gonna be like, I got it.

[B]

Yeah, well, that's your childhood.

[C]

They want everybody to think you're cool.

[B]

My childhood, I was banging at like 10 or 11. Tony Q in a bush.

[C]

So if I have a feeling Max is going to be leaning more towards my thing.

[B]

I don't know, dude, he's getting. He's getting shredded. He's going to the gym. You can't.

[C]

Shredded? He's a 12 year old boy.

[B]

Big, huge biceps. Mm, no. He got in the car, dude. He knew. He got in the car and he winked at me. He liked the dead.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, because he knew I thought it was boys. He was hanging out with his friends, but it was two girls. And he got in the car and he gave me an old.

[C]

He got your dirty backseat with two girls.

[B]

No, he got in the front. The two girls got in the back.

[C]

Let them get in the back.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not having them in the

[C]

front in the dirty back seat, but

[B]

driving around my town with a young girl in the front seat of my car.

[C]

Max should have thought better. Max should have hit you up and been like, yo, dad, yeah, sorry about what's going on in the backseat of the car. I know, but, like, can you flush all that out and come grab us so they don't have to smell my ghee sweat? You have to teach me how to hang out with these girls, dude. You can't just have them bringing them around to your fucking stink ass backseat of your car.

[B]

Well, I go, where are you guys going? He goes, you can just drop us off by the.

[C]

Wouldn't you like to know?

[B]

Drop us off by the grocery store. I go, but there's nothing over here except for the chicos.

[C]

Yeah, he said we're going downtown. And then they're going downtown, if you know what I mean. They're gonna double suck my high five me, Dad.

[B]

I. I hope not.

[C]

They didn't.

[B]

I called Don immediately. You keep an eye on him. We got a tracker on him. Yeah, I keep an eye. If he goes behind the Chico's, you go down there and you pick him up.

[C]

Dawn.

[B]

Yeah, I told. I called Dawn. I had to go.

[C]

I was leaving. Go find your son. Getting his dick sucked by two adults.

[B]

Well, better. Better her than me. I don't need that temptation in my life.

[C]

Just jump in there with him.

[B]

That's not how you do it, Max.

[C]

You got to hold their hair and their face.

[B]

Me and him are just high fiving.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It was a different time. Right?

[B]

Yeah. Well. No, no.

[C]

Back in the day when you were able to have sex with a 12 year old. No.

[B]

There was no wish for those days. The 18. 1846. When was that?

[C]

Whenever Jacob's grandfather was alive.

[B]

I think that was Right.

[C]

I think he was in the Santa Maria. No, the Pinta. I always get that wrong.

[B]

The Santa Maria. The Maria. What was it? The Pinta. The Santa Maria and the Nina.

[C]

The Nina. The Pinta.

[B]

Where are those ships? They still around?

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

Are they gone?

[C]

They maybe never existed for all we know.

[B]

Like the ark. They're still trying to find that stupid thing.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

There was an arc with two giraffes. Two fucking dogs. Shut the fuck up.

[C]

The only thing we have historical remnants of are dinosaurs and the Titanic. If you tell us that's just the two eras of life.

[B]

I love that they had all these animals and then a bunch of lions. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You showed up at. You should. When the flood was done. There was just two fat lions. Dead giraffes.

[C]

Yeah. The ark. Let's just get them all together. That's fine.

[B]

Yeah. The ark. Makes a. No sense at all.

[C]

No, it's stupid. Somebody building on. No, it doesn't make sense.

[B]

No, it doesn't make sense at all. The. With. With the double animals.

[D]

It's also not enough genetic diversity.

[B]

Here he comes with the facts.

[C]

He's right. It's not enough genetic diversity.

[B]

What do you mean there's not enough?

[C]

There wouldn't be different. There wouldn't be different breeds of things.

[D]

Everyone would be inbred within one. One cycle.

[B]

The animals. Yeah, okay.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

How many people were on the ark? Was it just Noah as kids? His kids. So when he was done with all the flooding. Who do you have sex with?

[C]

A favor. Could you put on the third verse of all you Zombies by the Hooters, please? Because I don't think Bobby remembers the song. This was taught to you not weeks ago. All you Zombies by the Hooters. No one ever spoke to Noah.

[B]

No one.

[C]

No one. They all laughed at him.

[B]

Is that why his name was Noah?

[C]

No one.

[B]

No one. They just shortened it.

[C]

That was great. The way. That's the way. What's her name? Maria. Menounu says no. So they would have. Howard Stern would prank call people named Noah and just have her going, noah. This is Noah. Noah. Like. Yeah, speaking. Turn it up. Because Bobby only learns lessons through songs.

[B]

True. Sorry. I learned to jump places.

[C]

Rain's gonna fall on you. They just laughed at him, Bobby. Because they were doing, I guess, whatever else you do in those times besides build an arc, have fun working all by himself. I think you can fuck 12 year olds then.

[B]

You could. You had to. You actually had to.

[C]

Only Noah saw it coming. 40 days in 40 nights.

[B]

That's it.

[C]

Yeah. The flood took his son. Daughters with him. And you know who they were, Bobby? You. They were the Israelites. Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Now wait a minute.

[C]

Thank you. Hooters.

[B]

40 days and 40 nights he was on the ark. And weren't they in the 40 years they were in the desert? Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, 40 days.

[C]

Music has taught you all these things for sure. Remember we were just talking about the Nina, the pent in the Santa Maria.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Lou, if you could please put on the beginning of Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden, please, because then you'll learn that story also.

[B]

Well, I'm in for history class.

[C]

You are in for a history class. Did I be the coolest history teacher? Oh, my God. We're gonna listen to.

[B]

We should.

[C]

We're losing the first half of Somewhere in Time by Iron Maiden today. Oh, there it is.

[B]

This is not about the. Is this about the Nina and the Pinta and the Santa Maria?

[C]

Well, it's about the white man coming over here to fuck shit up.

[B]

This is more about later.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

This isn't about when we first white

[C]

man came across the sea. He brought us pain. Us. By the way, he says us like he's a Native American.

[B]

Was he German?

[C]

He took our game for his own need.

[B]

Took the buffalo.

[C]

They tried. They tried to fight him.

[B]

They did.

[C]

They tried to fight him. Well, and on the planes, they gave him a little hell.

[B]

A little bit. A little hell.

[C]

Did you see Yamanika's? I sent it to Derosa today.

[B]

What?

[C]

I don't know. People are just putting up clips. I don't know what the hell they're talking about anymore. Yeah, what's happening with Irish? She goes, Iran. I'm gonna join Iran. I'm about to join Iran. If Iran come up in this.

[B]

I gotta talk to her. She's gonna.

[C]

I don't know what she's talking about.

[B]

She's gonna wait till after comedy camp comes out before she joins Iran. She's gonna settle down. I think she's.

[C]

I think she's under the impression Iran's coming here. I don't know. Call me Strange.

[B]

Well, Godfrey is. I. I watched a little bit of Godfrey today, too. He's. He hates us.

[C]

I saw. No. Oh, you mean whites.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I meant us in general.

[C]

Oh yeah, in general, not individually. I saw him at the Delta Lounge on Friday. Yeah, I said hi to him. We were shooting the shit for a little while, and then I heard someone go, Godfrey. And he goes, sherri Shepherd. You know Sherri Shepherd? I went, no, this got more important than me. I'll see you later. And I left. He goes, you know Sherri Shipper.

[B]

I went, no, see you later.

[C]

I shook hands with her. Reluctantly, she took Wendy Williams throne. And I don't like it. I'll always hold that against her. She. She pushed her out.

[D]

If you ask me, Bobby has me thinking like, it must have stunk on the ark because all the animals and all the people have to make a duty. Where does it go, you duty right there.

[C]

Everybody smell like 40 days of duty.

[D]

Yeah, 40 and 40 nights.

[C]

I'm sure I didn't take a shower in between his ark build days. He was already stinking, but, you know,

[B]

hung his ass over the side of the boat.

[D]

You couldn't even open it. There was no wind. I don't think there were windows.

[B]

Is that how the ARC worked? It was like a little tank closed. Really?

[D]

How did you know duty was. Where did the smell go?

[B]

Just went into duty, man. You went into the.

[C]

I assume up.

[B]

Did you just.

[D]

But I'm thinking maybe God took the duty away.

[B]

Well, you got to think about. It's not 40 shits. It's probably, you know, they're not eating a lot, so it's probably cut that in half.

[C]

It's probably maybe 20 ships with a zillion different kinds of animals.

[B]

Yeah. So this.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Dude, you gotta work. I worked on a farm. Certain animal shits are worse than others. Like a. A sheep is the worst.

[D]

They had all of that. They had elephants. Elephant.

[C]

Oh, here you go. Christine found the ark. Encounter. You can go see an ark.

[B]

Oh, good.

[D]

Does it smell like my nephew has snakes? Snake duty stinks.

[B]

No, like really bad snake. Snake smells awful.

[D]

Well, there were snakes on board too. Where did it go? 40 days and 40 nights of snake duty.

[B]

You're gonna have all kind. You're lion shit. You're tiger shit.

[C]

How are all these animals indigenous to where Noah was, by the way?

[D]

I could not deal with that.

[C]

How did he get them all?

[B]

God.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait a second. There's interactive screens in the ark. My God, this guy was great.

[B]

He was fantastic.

[C]

What was Noah's last name? Jobs.

[B]

And it must have sucked for some of those animals.

[C]

Noah musk.

[B]

Because when they were hungry, it's like you know what I mean? The giraffes are like, no one's eating a giraffe. They're going right past the giraffe. They're going right over that little. That little goat aisle.

[C]

I'll try giraffe.

[B]

Yeah, you tried your half. I don't think you can eat giraffe.

[D]

No. You're not allowed to eat them. You have to.

[C]

Not allowed.

[B]

Do you think people eat giraffe?

[C]

I try it.

[B]

It'd be too much.

[C]

Delicious. Delicious giraffe. You think it'd be too much giraffe steak?

[B]

Probably tastes like. Like chicken, right?

[C]

I don't know. I couldn't begin to guess.

[D]

Christine, can you Google where the arc duty went? Is that a thing or.

[C]

I mean we're gonna get. You're gonna get hearsay for sure.

[D]

I mean, isn't that a legitimate question?

[C]

See, they have a ring video doorbell camera shot from the center. Proposed models. The animal waste in the ark was likely managed through slatted floors, gravity fed shoots and pits. Sending it out to the ocean. Polluting the ocean, by the way.

[B]

Well, that's what they do now with cruise ships. They all the. They just open it up and dump it in the ocean. Make a fish.

[C]

Nice. I like that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Eat my turrets fish.

[B]

Yeah, they just dump out. They dump out in the ocean on the boats. All the boats.

[C]

And then every once in a while we give them a person off the boat.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There you go, guys, you've eaten enough. Here's a human being. Here's someone's unwanted wife or husband.

[B]

You never went to the ocean with a. You know, take a dump and then go right into the ocean and clean your ass out in the ocean and make fish food.

[D]

I went on a. My, My nephew and my brother took my nephew on a fishing trip and on a. Just a little bass boat and the keys. And they hired a captain and he had irritable. Irritable bowel syndrome. And he just had an attack. This is in the middle of the mangroves in broad daylight. And so he just pulled down his pants and over the side of my neck. And my, My nephew started hysterically laughing as you do. And then the guy just took a rag.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And wiped his ass. And then continued the fishing trip like nothing happened.

[B]

My brother.

[C]

Throw the rag back in the water.

[D]

In the water. I get. You know what? I got to get clarify clarification on that.

[B]

My, My little brother was a gillnet fisherman in Marblehead and they had a five gallon bucket on the boat. They would just shit in the Bucket and then dump it over the side, man. And then there you go. And toilet paper is biodegradable. It just goes away.

[C]

I hate all of everything you're saying.

[D]

Yeah, no, but I mean, you see somebody taking a duty and you can't. You're on the boat with them. A little boat. Yeah, you know, like a 15 foot. Yeah.

[B]

It's disturbing.

[C]

I'd look everybody in their eyes as they off the edge of the boat and make them feel bad about what they're doing.

[D]

They say, like, hey, do you want a sandwich? And they hand you a sandwich after word.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Out of the cooler. They're horrified.

[C]

You think they had a cooler in the ark?

[B]

Not on the ark. I don't think that. I don't think they had the arc, to be honest.

[C]

They had interactive screens. According to this arc.

[B]

I. When I went to Iraq, the. The. On the bases, they had no doors. They just had toilets. And you'd. I mean, I remember by your second tour.

[C]

By your second tour over there. You got it.

[B]

My second tour, I figured it out. But the first tour, I did do tour.

[C]

Two tours.

[B]

But I. I was just staring at a marine. He came in and he's like, what's up? Good show. Just the way it is, dude.

[C]

He's like, any look on those coordinates.

[B]

I immediately tucked my little ding ding inside the seat. I just didn't want him to see my. My little mushroom sticking out.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I occasionally pee on the seat.

[C]

Sometimes I would lean forward to make sure my dick didn't come out of that little space.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'd be like, yeah, my dick's touching the water. Actually, you don't even notice right now. My dick is dangling.

[B]

I'm shitting on my balls right now. Because that's what you got. A baby wipe. So I can. On my nuts.

[C]

This might take me a second because I have to wipe the bottom of my dick and balls off. They always get mushed up into my ass because I have so much balls and such tiny.

[B]

Yeah, dude, we didn't start the way we shit was like a hundred years, maybe 100 years ago, maybe less.

[C]

I thought about this.

[D]

I watched a YouTube video on pirate ships and maritime ships because they never discussed this in the movies, like how they have to on the. On those ships.

[C]

I know it would take away from Captain Jack's power if you saw him ripping a crap.

[D]

It was horrific.

[C]

One second, one second.

[D]

Sometimes it would rain forever. So they just had to inside.

[C]

Someone's in here. Someone's in here.

[D]

There was no bathroom so they would just down the stairs and it would just collect in the bottom.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And it.

[B]

That's why people died at 28.

[D]

That is why.

[B]

Yeah, that's why everybody died back in the day, because they just.

[D]

Did you see that video?

[B]

What? I mean, I just know that people died, I think because of shit.

[C]

Didn't that happen on Bets? Old school Hip hop cruise, Carnival cruise kid and playing. Everyone running around their own dookie.

[B]

Yeah. There's nothing, there's nothing worse than when then like you're in a. Something happens on a ship and the stuff gets backed up.

[D]

Oh, well, the best ones, like the high class ones had a little hole that just basically you sat in it and the duty fell right into the sea. But then now think about it. How did they wipe their ass back then? They had a long string that was dangling in the water. They pulled the string up and they scrubbed their ass with it that every other person was scrubbing there.

[B]

Yeah. Yep.

[D]

Yeah, I couldn't do it.

[B]

Yeah, of course you couldn't do it now because you, you have baby wipes and bidets. You've. You lived a better life. You can't go backwards. But if the world ended tomorrow, if. If everything ended tomorrow and there was no more running water, there's no more electricity.

[C]

But luckily you've been building an ark.

[D]

Kill me.

[B]

Luckily you've been building an ark with baby wipes. There's thousands of baby paper mache.

[D]

Yeah, I need a bidet on my ark.

[B]

Yeah. But there's no running water or electricity. What are you gonna do?

[C]

First of all, you can have an L. You do it. Gotta go back to bedrock, dude. You have an elephant suck water up its nose and then blow that up your ass. That's your bidet. World starting over, dude. We're back to bedrock. You could find your creature comforts, but it's gonna be done by a creature.

[B]

Yeah, you want to listen to music, you have to get a bird with a long needle beak.

[C]

You're gonna have to play your records with a pterodactyl.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[C]

That's just the way it goes, buddy. I'm sorry.

[B]

Sorry, buddy.

[D]

When was toilet paper invented? What year? I don't understand, like life before that,

[C]

when we stopped being able to domesticate these elephants to blow water.

[B]

They used to. They use towels for a long time. And you would clean the towel. Yeah. I mean, look, you go to still fucking off.

[C]

They still offer you when you. Well, at least when Isabella was born, they still offer you the service. Do you want us to come pick up your cloth shit diapers. Yeah, I'm like, I'm all right. We're just going to throw them away like normal human beings. I'm not going to fucking. Oh, it's so gross. There's a lot diapers.

[B]

A lot of the world still doesn't use toilet paper. They just, you know. Yeah, dude.

[C]

A lot of the world.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think people in Africa, like in the jungle, you think people in the desert and who don't have houses and live in the like Afghanistan, they have. They have bounty and soft cloud.

[C]

No, Bobby, look at me.

[B]

You.

[C]

Yeah, I do think they have.

[B]

They don't have toilet paper.

[C]

I'm pretty sure they do.

[B]

Not anymore. That's one of the things we. That's one of the tariffs that we bombed.

[C]

Did we bomb it? Did we bomb the toilet paper?

[B]

The first thing you bomb and we bombed in Iran.

[C]

We.

[B]

We bombed the drone factory and the toilet paper.

[C]

Once you get rid of the drones and toilet paper, they're pretty much defenseless. Just shit ass with no surveillance.

[B]

19, 18, 53, we started using toilet paper and that didn't come to everybody for probably another 50 years.

[C]

Here you go. Moss. They used often. Wool and hay were plentiful. They were convenient to use, allowing them to keep themselves clean even in the coldest weather. Cowboys had to make do with whatever was available in the wild grass. Soft leaves were common. Large soft leaves of the cottonweed plant. If nothing else is available, torn pages from yearbooks, newspapers, or catalogs could also

[B]

be used or wanted posters.

[C]

I like that Native Americans used leaves, grass, soft moss, corn cobs.

[B]

Yeah, that was a good one.

[D]

I like that moss must feel nice.

[B]

Corn cob would be.

[C]

I'd rather use a corn cob.

[B]

Oh, that'd be nice. Get the itch out.

[C]

Absolutely.

[D]

I use soft moss.

[C]

I feel like soft moss is going to be mushing around where it's like, I'll go for the soft moss after I get a good scraping with that corn cob, you know?

[B]

Oh, you're gonna scrape it. I thought you just pushed it in.

[C]

Oh, you're trying to lollipop it.

[B]

I'm gonna lollipop that.

[C]

You're gonna leave some behind, dude. I would use it as like a. I would use it as like a digging dude.

[B]

It's gonna look like. It's gonna look like a honey hive when I pull that out.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Stick it as far as I can and then pull it out and it's just gonna fill with whatever and then use the moss.

[C]

I don't think that's how it works.

[B]

Well, it could work that way. I think you could do that.

[C]

I guess it could.

[B]

I would have been an innovator back in the Indian days.

[C]

You are an innovator.

[B]

You think they just scrape their with a corn cob?

[C]

Yeah. And the thing is you can go back a couple times. You can go until you get all the big pieces of shit out you could really like.

[B]

But the way you eat corn, you can.

[C]

You spin it. Yeah, like I'm buttering it. Just butter it with shit.

[B]

You shit buttering it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, Right.

[C]

I put a corn cob holder on one side, I spin it around.

[B]

Well, I was thinking about this when you're. Because I'm watching all these westerns and stuff. Like when you're having sex with girls back in the day. It must suck. It just sucked. Oh yeah, the smell. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, you get the smell of you also. The whole thing was gross.

[B]

Yeah, but you're the smell of you. You get used to. Right. The smell of somebody else is shocking. And to be on like a wagon train with a somebody, like some girl for a while and then have to make love to her. Start your. Your breath.

[C]

Yeah, but she feels the same way about you. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Right.

[C]

It's disgusting for everybody involved.

[B]

It was just gross.

[C]

You're doing it just to get. Just to do something fun during the day besides just sitting and waiting for TV to be invented.

[B]

You know what these days feel like? Everything costs more. Groceries, gas, bills. It all adds up. And we've all felt the pressure of trying to make our money stretch a little further. I'm always going over the budgets and what I can buy and my wife's. You don't need it. We can't get it. It's a real tough thing to actually take care of what you're spending, have a savings. It's just rough out there for everyone. So when the tax refund hits and you're thinking, what's the best way to keep more in your pocket without giving something up? Well, here's the real life hack for Switch to Metro and save with no activation fees and get one line of 5G for only 25 bucks. Yup. Only 25 bucks. And no contracts that get in the way. The best thing, you can keep the phone you love and keep your number. That's a lot of ands, but that's exactly the point. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. Visit your local store on metrobytmobile.com and switch today $30 first month $20 with

[C]

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[B]

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[D]

The hottest women had bad breath.

[B]

Oh God.

[D]

I mean, nobody went to a dentist.

[C]

Hairy armpits and corn cob cleaned assholes.

[B]

Yeah, just dirty, smelly. Don't forget the blood.

[D]

The good old days, right, Christine?

[B]

Oh, the blood mixing.

[C]

Back in the day. Back in the day.

[B]

A nice blood poop smell. Bleh.

[C]

I want to tell you about my weekend.

[B]

Yo, what's up?

[C]

I was in Jacksonville, which I could not have oversold about the hotel.

[B]

Is that Jacksonville comedy zone, north, south of north or is that Florida? Florida. Okay. Do they have a Jacksonville, North Carolina?

[C]

Maybe? It's on the border, isn't it? I don't know.

[B]

Is that where that. That's where that town is, right? Where? The old town, what's it called?

[C]

Is it Jacksonville?

[B]

Isn't that where that is like the first.

[C]

Where everybody like is swingers, that thing.

[B]

It's the first city in America in. In Jacksonville. Am I crazy? Isn't that right? What's that town called? Augustine's or something?

[A]

St. Augustine.

[B]

St. Augustine. Isn't that the first city in America? Am I correct on that?

[C]

I don't know. Maybe.

[B]

I think so. I've been there. Nice city, Nice town.

[C]

The first city in America.

[B]

I think so.

[C]

Isn't Philadelphia the first city in America?

[B]

No. What is it?

[C]

Yep, it's the oldest continuously Occupied European established settlement in the United States.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Founded by Pedro Pascal.

[B]

Pedro, look at that. Free Palestine, baby. Stop war.

[C]

It predates the English colony at Jamestown by 42 years and the Pilgrims by 55 years. Wow. White man came across the sea to bring us pain and misery. This doesn't rhyme.

[B]

But then he left us a cute little town you can go to for lunch.

[C]

Little St. Augustine. No, I was in Jacksonville. This should be the last city in America. It will survive like the roaches it is now. I'm always gonna give credit where credit is due. Club is fantastic.

[B]

What's the club called?

[C]

Comedy Zone.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's in the Jacksonville. It's in the Ramada by Wyndham. I don't know what their quality control is over Ramada, but they are not keeping an eye on this place. I told you, I always stay there at the motel.

[B]

Because you love the chaos.

[C]

I love the chaos.

[B]

You love chaos.

[C]

I do, but a couple things I wasn't expecting. One, how much chaos, really? And two, yeah. I feel the manager of this club, Leah, she is the sweetest. She loves comedy. It's so. So I always push. You don't have to stay there. If you perform there, they offer. They go, no, no, no, we'll get you a buyout. Stay somewhere else down the road. This night, they know I say, I'm gonna stay. I woke up Friday, or went to bed actually, Thursday, feeling kind of under the weather. Started to feel shitty.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Woke up Friday feeling like ass. So bad. And then I got. Went to the airport, got on plane, like, I'll sleep on the plane. I didn't sleep good, so I'll sleep on the plane. Felt terrible. Landed. Just blow my nose every five seconds just going through it. I land, I get an Uber. I go to the hotel and they're like, yeah, this lady's going to meet you, give you your keys for your rooms. Okay, I meet her, I get the key and the room. They give you a room key for the green room. It's just a hotel room, like on the first floor.

[B]

Oh, the green room for the thing

[C]

they just get for the comedy club.

[B]

Just a room.

[C]

Another hotel room.

[B]

Does it have. Just has a bed?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, just a hotel room. When I get there, the girl hands me the. Hands me the cards for mine. She goes, now he goes, there's two rooms you could choose from here. She goes, this one's like the suite, like the two, you know, living room and bedroom, but it smells a little bit like smoke. And I was like, I mean, I smoke it's fine.

[B]

That one. Yeah.

[C]

I was like. But she meant cigarette smoke. I don't smoke cigarettes inside, but. And it did smell like cigarette smoke. I was like, yeah. I'll take it, though. Fuck it. I go in the room.

[B]

Can I ask a question? You don't smoke. You smoke weed inside, but you. You don't want to smoke cigarettes inside because you don't like the cigarette smoke.

[C]

Cigarette smell stays on everything.

[B]

You don't like that. Okay.

[C]

It just stays.

[B]

I agree. I smoked a cigar in a room once, and it sucked. I hated it because it smelled. It's just there.

[C]

Yeah. It's not even like the.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's not the smell of, like, cigarette when you're smoking cigarette. It's what? The smoke that just sticks.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And then lingers. It's bad. Just. Even for my clothes I bring. I never travel without a full Febreze fabric because when I take my clothes off at night and everything, I just spray them out. So it doesn't spray your body. No.

[B]

You spray your naked body.

[C]

No.

[B]

When you get out of the shower.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You just spray yourself down.

[C]

Is that what you want, Daddy?

[B]

Yeah. A nice fresh sack.

[C]

You want just my body? Just drippy. I got a complete sweet come on from a male fan on Instagram. Still felt nice.

[B]

It always feels nice.

[C]

It wasn't even like, I want to. You guy just goes. He goes, you're really handsome, man. Big fan. Thanks, dude.

[B]

He's right. You are very handsome.

[C]

The picture is him and his husband getting married.

[B]

Oh, Bear Bear. Oh, Bear Bear.

[C]

He felt nice.

[B]

Always feel nice.

[C]

It's nice to be wonders.

[B]

Yeah. Would be nice if the girls we live with did it once in a while.

[C]

No, that'd be weird.

[B]

Got a nice handsome idea. When's the last time you said, he's handsome, Christine? All right, moving on.

[C]

I think we've complimented each other. Looks good randomly. I don't know if I was like, you're such a handsome boy. No. No one's ever taken it. We're not taking second looks at each other. Emerging from the stairs.

[B]

I wouldn't mind a. I wouldn't mind every once in a while before I'm leaving, going, you look so cute, baby.

[C]

Yeah. No. I ask, though, but I don't even ask, do I look good? I'm always like, do I look all right?

[B]

Yeah. Which is not the same as, you know, catching her looking at you and

[C]

just being like, no, the cat.

[B]

What are you looking at? You know, those days are long. You look good. You look good.

[C]

Today they catch each other looking down. I told her she looked thin today. Very thin. Yeah, he did say I look thin. He's like, you've been sick, so you probably lost more weight. That's not how I put it. First thing I said, I go. I said, I go. I go, oh, you look really thin.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You've lost, like, a bunch of weight.

[B]

She looks great.

[C]

I go, you look. And she goes. You know. And I go. I go ask.

[B]

We.

[C]

We've both been sick, so I got. I'm sure that helps, too. For days. Not eating.

[B]

That little last part does take a little zip out of the. Little bit out of it, just to be honest.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, we both have aids, so. I mean, it's gonna happen.

[C]

I'll live in it. I'll live in it. I still thought it was very nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But. So. Yeah. Anyway, I go in there, take the sweet. I take the suite. I go in. Mistake. I always. I gotta remember I only do it for, like, three trips. After something in my hotel room sucks that I go, don't unpack, check everything.

[B]

Never check.

[C]

Sure the AC works.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Make sure the fucking tv. Make sure the Internet works. Make sure everything. The. The shower is turning on. Everything.

[B]

I leave my bag in the door.

[C]

I do all that stuff.

[B]

I leave my bag in the. I walk in, leave the bag in the door, and I check everything. Make sure there's no duty in the toilet. Make sure there's not some rusty tub shit. I check behind the bag. No bedbugs. I always check bed bugs. I don't like a.

[C]

Do you get all the stuff?

[B]

Bed bug. I don't like any of. And then I. I check the remote, make sure the remote's not a hunk of. And then I turn the TV on the WI fi. And then I go. Because I've. I've. I've been in the bed going, what's that smell?

[C]

And then repacking up. Move in a hotel sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You got packed three times.

[B]

I want him to come up and be like, I've touched nothing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Nothing.

[C]

Well, of all places, I should have learned this lesson. It would have been here.

[B]

Yeah. At the two hotels that combine. One to make a hotel.

[C]

No, it's three. It's three buildings.

[B]

No, Ramada and Wyndham.

[C]

Oh, Ramada Windham.

[B]

When Wyndham had to come in and save Ramada.

[C]

Yeah. No one saved this place.

[B]

They tried.

[C]

They said they tried. Every time I go there, they go, we got rid of the prostitutes and drug dealers. And I go, then who Are all these terrifying people and prostitutes here? Really? Because what are all these guys mean mugging me? The people doing drugs in the ice where you dip off to get ice, and the stuff that goes there's. All of these things are still very much here.

[B]

Is there a. There's a lobby and all that. It's just.

[C]

So when you. The buildings of the rooms. It's like a C. It's like a big C. And then. Yeah. Then there's the main building as a lobby that's got a restaurant and the comedy club.

[B]

Now, do you go outside the building to get to your room so people can just. Anybody can just walk up to your door?

[C]

Hundred percent. From Right from the outside.

[B]

That's great.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

Dude, it looks nice.

[C]

Doesn't it though?

[B]

That little. That looks boutique right there. That looks very boutique.

[C]

Holy.

[B]

What? I don't like when the rooms look like some family. When it has, like. It has, I promise you, these personality to it.

[C]

These pictures are so old and stylized.

[B]

That room looks nice. Is that the lobby?

[C]

The lobby. There's a comedy zone.

[B]

Okay. Be nice.

[C]

Listen, I stand by a thousand times over that I love the club.

[B]

Right. Dude, when there's a tub, I get nervous.

[C]

I'd be happy to do the club again. All of that.

[B]

No hotel should have a tub. Can I just say it? Who the fuck.

[C]

Unless it's really clean and you have a big tub, like a big Jacuzzi tub.

[B]

You should have a shower. Walk in. And if there's some other. Yes. Some type of tub. That's an option.

[C]

Like a thing. Yeah.

[B]

When I walk in, there's just the tub and I have to step over that dumb curtain that's been jizzed. You can't. They don't clean the curtain every time you think the guy's aiming his jizz into drain.

[C]

I do.

[B]

I do, too. We're professionals. Yeah, but there's some randos that just jizz on their curtain and it's getting on our shins.

[C]

I treat the drain like it's an open mouth and I go, open up. Oh, there it is. You dirty. I get it all. I actually finish every drop.

[B]

I travel with a screwdriver and I undo the drain so my jizz goes right down. There's no, like, jizz block.

[C]

It's not getting filtered.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's not getting strained like pasta jizz pasta.

[C]

So I unpack. I turn on the light switch in the room, which is. I don't think I took a picture of that. No, I didn't. So don't bring it up yet. Don't bring these things up yet. But the light switch was a broken, like, actual switch. The switch itself was broken, and there was, like, a little Christmas light sticking out of it. And that was. You can push up and down, but that's not.

[B]

That might have been a decoration they forgot to take down.

[C]

It's possible. And then. So I think it was just to give grip to the. To the switch.

[B]

Function.

[C]

Yeah, function. So then I unpack. I lay everything out. Put my soap in the shower, my toothbrush, toothpaste, all my toiletries. Because I kind of just stack my toiletries in front of the tv. But it's like, it's still the thing. It's like that's sort of what my unpacking is. I don't take my clothes out or anything, right? But shoes, everything that is out of the back, one side of the bag is out. My shoes, my everything.

[B]

You're ready to go?

[C]

Ready. Just like, you know when I have to get ready that night. And I was like. And what I need right now is to lay down. I feel so sick.

[B]

Right.

[C]

I'm gonna go to sleep, right?

[B]

Not a better feeling in the world. Getting in a hotel room and pulling that tight sheet back, flipping it over.

[C]

I don't do it. I get right on top.

[B]

Oh, you go right on top.

[C]

I go right on top. I bask in the jizz.

[B]

Well, I like to get under that little tight sheet.

[C]

No, dude. I like to feel other people's semens getting inside of my body.

[B]

You on top of the comforter.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Really get a good barrel jizz on myself. So I lay down on the bed, tummy time.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Set up my computer, and I go try to get on the WI fi. And I've always remembered about this place. There's no pay for it, extra WI fi, but the WI fi was fine. It works good enough that, like, I could watch, right? I'll be fine. So I'm like, it's good. And in fact, I've been in this exact suite before. This is the suite where I stole food last time from my neighbors.

[B]

Right.

[C]

If you remember that story. Yeah. So, like, I've been in the swimming. It's fine. As soon as I walk, I should actually. I'm leaving a few things out as I'm walking up to the suite. You can show these pictures. Here's what I see before I walk in. This is Rafter was announced to me. Hookers and prostitutes gone. Go to the very bottom. That one broken acrylic Nail switch to. Now switch to it. There's nothing. Go back to the other pictures.

[B]

Where is that?

[C]

Right out front of my door.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And then keep going down that one there with the black. The little. Yeah, that one there. A weird or broken acrylic nail. A different one, though, from a different person.

[B]

You sure that's not an arrowhead?

[C]

Nope, it's an acrylic nail. It's an acrylic nail. And then go back.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

And then. Hang on. Is there a. Yeah, I'm right there on the end. And the needle cap for the heroin needle that's not being used anymore.

[B]

Well, people do all do Ozempic now. It might be people trying to get their life together.

[C]

Possibly Ozempic.

[B]

Might be Oz. Epic.

[C]

But it looks like a heroin meth needle. Maybe it's Ozempic.

[B]

That could be the light switch in the other room. Maybe that's what they're using in the other room.

[C]

Very possible.

[B]

What's next?

[C]

So wait, that's like.

[B]

Is that a zip tie? Oh, maybe it's just a zip tie from the.

[C]

From the person.

[B]

From the hostage that they had.

[C]

It's from the person who got away.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So. All right, don't go to anymore yet. Get. Get off this page here.

[B]

So this is before you went into the room?

[C]

It's before I went in the room, but now I'm unpacked. Now we're back. I'm on the bed.

[B]

So you.

[D]

You.

[B]

You discovered a hooker fight and a

[C]

drug addict in everybody being fine, and then heroin together.

[B]

And then the pimp had a zip tie. One of the bitches. Because she was getting out. She wouldn't calm down.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

I got it.

[C]

There's definitely been a chainsaw murder in this motel, right? So I. I'm laying down on my tummy, trying to log into the Internet. It keeps going, like, now. Having a hard time. It's like having a hard time logging in or not being able to log in. Try again. All right, try again. Turn my computer back off and on. Turn the thing. Turn off my vpn, everything. Why is it not picking up this Internet? It's. It's registering that there's a signal for the Internet. So I call and I go. I start. I call the front desk, and I'm like, yeah. I go, I. The Internet's not working in here. And she goes, okay, I'll send up a person. I go, what? For what? I'm like, what are they gonna do up here? I go, I think you just need to reset the router. Or something. They go, yeah, no, we'll send somebody up. And I went, okay. So then I just go. And I go walk over. I go, let me go see the living room. Part of this whole thing smells so terrible. Let's walk over. And as I walk in, I go, the fuck? Oh, my. I'm in socks, by the way.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Soaking wet. My socks immediately soaked from a wet carpet. I mean, drenched carpet.

[B]

Where the hookers first started fighting.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Where the hooker knife fight started. Where you.

[B]

You started where it ended.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Now you're where it all started.

[C]

Now I'm at the epicenter of the epicenter. So my socks now soaked, so I gotta take my socks off.

[B]

What? You don't even know.

[C]

I hope, I think water.

[B]

You hope it's water?

[C]

Probably piss jizz. Blood tears.

[B]

Blood tears. Everything could be all these things, right?

[C]

So I'm like, fuck. So I gotta take my socks off. Now. I've only brought again this trip. It was two day in and out trip. I only packed two pairs of socks for that night and the next night, the next day. So again, I usually always do pack an extra pair. That's what I was just like, like, so what? This is so quick. I also don't expect to have a wet carpet in the room. So I take my socks off and I start trying to figure out. I'm like, all right, well, I can't stay in this room now. So I get a hold of the manager and I goes, oh, my God, they're gonna change room. Then they also inform me, go, oh, yeah. Also there's no wifi in two of the three buildings. And I'm in one of those buildings. I go, why would they even offer me the. Well, can I go to the Internet building? And they're like, yeah, yeah, we'll get you something in the Internet building. So now I gotta repack everything. Everything.

[B]

Change socks.

[C]

Nope.

[B]

You kept the socks?

[C]

No, I'm holding on to the socks. And now I'm wearing no socks in my shoes, which I hate. Just to get, you know.

[B]

What is this, the Middle Ages?

[C]

Yeah. Just to get over when I was younger, I used to do that a lot. Man, that would. It would smell so bad when it got bad.

[B]

Yeah, it smells bad is the issue.

[C]

So like. But anyway, so I go to this other room.

[B]

We didn't even put that into account with the dirty pussies asses mouths back then the feet. Oh, oh, a chick's feet. Ugh. Just in those shoes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Ugh, Gross. Smelly foot.

[C]

So I go I go, I know, Jacob. You're right. So I go up to this one new room, and I go in there. They go, all right, so I don't think the air conditioner in this one works.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[C]

So I'm gonna bring you back a new air conditioner. And I went, okay, so it's not central air.

[B]

They actually have ACs.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

They're gonna throw in a window.

[C]

But no, not a window, but like the. The units they have in hotels. It's not that crazy.

[B]

Well, it's usually attached to the room like it is. So they're gonna.

[C]

Well. But still take the unit out. He's gonna take the unit out and put a new unit. Yeah, it was gonna be annoying. He's like. That takes three minutes.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Maintenance guy was for. Yeah, those maintenance guys. Very, very nice. And then he goes. So then I'm in my room for a minute, and then they come knock on the door again. They go, actually, two doors down there might be this. How about this room? Is this room look good? I think it's already set. Good to go.

[B]

Oh, that's nice.

[C]

Okay, now I go in there. What's funny? Missing. Missing from almost 100% of the rooms. Smoke detectors, which is hilarious. Just wires hanging out.

[B]

If you're gonna smoke crack and have hookers, you can't have things beeping all the time.

[C]

Completely agree.

[B]

The cops will be there every five minutes.

[C]

I say, saves me the time of ripping it down myself.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So I could have reached it. So I would have taken it down, but it was just wires hanging out of a wall. Then I. So here's the thing. When I start going in this room, bring up the door jamb I have up there. Is this normal? All the way to the bottom. One at the bottom. Yeah. Is this normal? Why are there so many wires behind where the door touch is closed now, that's actually legal.

[B]

That's against code.

[C]

There's just wires behind where you're gonna have metal touching all the time.

[B]

You're not supposed to have a. A door touch metal wires. You know, supposed to have that.

[C]

It's just wires.

[B]

But what's more scary is how many times that door has been broken into. Oh, yeah, that's frightening.

[C]

Look at the steel reinforcement they put on the backside.

[B]

But that thing's been kicked in by The d. A. FBI like, 15 times.

[C]

Just criminals themselves.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Go back out. Pull back out here. This is great. Then. Yeah, that right there. The one on the bottom right there. No, no, no, no, no. Next to it. Next to it. Right there. There's my socks drying on the air conditioner. So. But I go in this. So this is the next room, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I go in there and I. And he goes, come over this other room. Two doors now. I go, okay. And then he's futzing with the thermostat on the wall. He was using the new air conditioners. So he goes, like, let me goes, but something's wrong with this thermostat here. He goes, let me. I'm gonna go get some batteries. I'll be right back. And I'm gonna fix the thermostat for you. So he comes back, he's futzing with the thermostat again for a while. And then he goes, I don't know. He goes, I think I'm just gonna bring you a new. A new air conditioner unit here too. And I was like, okay. And then I just pushed the button on the actual unit and it came on. He goes, oh, well, I guess it's not attached to the thermostat here. All right, you're good. So then he just leaves because now I'm fine.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

My air conditioner works.

[B]

So is it. Is it okay.

[C]

Then I go over.

[B]

Is that the wires that are connected through the door that go to the ac?

[C]

Very possible.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They definitely somewhere. That. That part of wires you saw right there is somewhere in the ladder of leading to a guy's ball bag through a car battery or something. Whatever torture's happening in one of these rooms. So back out again. Then I go over. I go, let me see this room. Here's my bathtub. That's just. You're gonna have to take that. That one.

[B]

You just have to eat. No.

[C]

Well, it's good. I have tough actin 10 actin with me always on the road.

[B]

So I just.

[C]

My feet were dripping with 10 actin when I was done showering.

[B]

It's dirty.

[C]

We're looking at my tub. That looks like. I don't know, like some kind of. Like, it looks like they have grip. The bottom of it looks like what a person throws up when they're being, like, exorcised. Like when they were trying to get a demon out of somebody and it's almost coming. Start puking up. Like, it looks like that happened in there. There was an exorcist pro. Was I. I told myself this was the way to get a demon out of a little girl. So I'm not going to make a big fuss about it.

[B]

It looks like the bottom of, like an old Lady's foot.

[C]

It's insane.

[B]

Hey, you know what that is? That's the grip that they put down on the thing.

[C]

Of course. Yeah.

[B]

And then it's all people's dirty fe. Disgusting fe.

[C]

And bums and prostitute and come that

[B]

get stuck in the tread of your.

[C]

And no one's ever thrown a little Ajax across that some.

[B]

Nobody's ever scrubbed that.

[C]

I forgot to mention, by the way, after I saw the two acrylic nails and the needle cap and I went in my room. The room was wide open because there was what I can only describe as an obese black lady with nothing but gold teeth. Only gold teeth in the room. Fluffing a pillow. The floor was wet. The soaked carpet.

[B]

That's why the doors open, to air out the floor.

[C]

They're probably trying to air out the floor.

[B]

Trying to air out the floor.

[C]

That's fair. So close this out flops in these. No, I just tough acting. 10 acting. And then. So then I go in my room and I lay down finally, and I go, all right, let me get a couple hours of sleep.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I do.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

I wake up feeling just as bad.

[B]

Really?

[C]

So bad.

[B]

Oh, terrible.

[C]

And I'm like, all right, I gotta get through these shows. And God bless, these audiences were so great this weekend. They beared with me so much. I was like. Like almost delirious on some of them because I was just so. Like, I just had a headache and everything. Felt about stuffed and sneezing and coughing and go, bad weekend. As far as that goes to know,

[B]

you should have lied in that tub. It would have cured you.

[C]

Penicillin.

[B]

The penicillin was in there.

[C]

I could have. I should have scraped a little off that little floor there. Get a little penicill.

[B]

You should have sucked on one of those fingernails while you were on stage. So now, Zin, put that fingernail in between your teeth and suck on it.

[C]

So now it's night outside. Well, you know, when I get up to get ready for thing, it's getting dark.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I walk by the room. Click that video. I walk by the room next to me. Pause it, pause it. You don't need sound on this at all.

[B]

Wait a minute. Is there a window into the room on the outside? Yeah, so. So if I'm walking by the rooms,

[C]

you're walking by my room. If I don't have the curtain pulled, which you can pull awkwardly almost over the front door. It's kind of weird. Which could inhibit you from closing your door if you don't realize that the fucking curtain is like, blocking it, right? I'm sure a lot of people get robbed there.

[B]

So I can look right into your room. If you don't have their curtain drawn.

[C]

You would see me. I mean, so close. How close? You would see me. But now, like. So if you recall, they put me in this one room. Told me, do you want to come two doors down for whatever? So there's one room in between. That room happens to have its window wide open, and no one's in it the entire time I'm there. But this is what's going on inside that room. If you could play this video. Let's take a peek here. Pause it. Oh, wait, you guys. Go ahead a little bit. I'm sorry. Pause it. There it is. Trashed, wide open window, completely trapped. There's a trash bag with a bunch of garbage in it. Electronics bashed up all over the thing. A Styrofoam cup from a place called Dailies that I've never heard of.

[B]

It's a good place.

[C]

Is it?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No. Oh, maybe. I don't know. It's a fast food thing I've never heard of. They have, by the way. They have in this room on the floor. If you could see it under the desk there. Try to point to it, Christine. Right there. Yeah, right there. The only. And I mean this, the only do not disturb sign. The entire hotel is in this abandoned room.

[B]

What's on the floor?

[C]

Trash?

[B]

It's just the white things. It's where if you go back a little bit.

[C]

Go back.

[B]

White nuggets on the floor by the. The door. Right. See, that's. What is that?

[C]

Oh, it's like busted up plaster and shit like that. It's just. Yeah, it's like. It's like busted up holes in the wall. Okay. There was also a hole in the wall of my room by the bathroom. So pause it there. How about this? Nice touch. Bed stripped. There's stains you can't see all over the bed and like ash and shit all over it. That light you can't probably see in the video is flickering like evil.

[B]

That's a haunted room.

[C]

It's. And then the other one. I don't know if you can see it. Click it. The other light has no thing on it at all. There's just no.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[D]

Can I see the flickering?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Is that like Raisinets?

[C]

It looked like other, like needle stuff, man.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't have any idea.

[B]

That's that's in between.

[C]

That's the room between the two they were giving me.

[B]

So you have to sleep next to whatever's in that room?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

The horrors.

[B]

I mean, how hard that is. Like a ghetto zoo with the window. It's crazy walk. You just watch people do shit.

[C]

It's. Oh, yeah, there's people. When it gets night out there, you can look at and look through the whole courtyard. There's just like people, like, walking around their shirts off, doing whatever, smoking inside. No one gives a shit.

[B]

There's a little doo doo on that bed. It looks like rabbit doo doo.

[C]

Every time I. The last couple times I've done this club, it keeps changing hands. The ownership, right? And every time they do it, they tell me, they go, hey, for some reason, the owner seems to be there when I'm there. Always the new owner. And I meet them and they never are. Like, they're always like, yeah, I guess we're the new owners. I guess we have a comedy club now.

[B]

So they're enthusiastic about it, right? Oh, that's good. No, that's. You want that in a club owner?

[C]

The new one. Yeah, the new owner. Whoever. It's just some guy. Yeah, well, it was just like, last time was a couple. Now it was this guy.

[B]

Fred.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

What?

[C]

On my life, I'm pretty sure his name's Fred. I'm almost 100% Fred. I think it is Fred.

[B]

Fred's new in the business. I heard him. He's doing.

[C]

He's doing good things, big things. I think he's a hotel guy.

[B]

Yeah, he just got a room in Bangor, Maine. He works during the potato, when they. When they pick potatoes those two months.

[C]

Potato fest.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This guy, he was standing outside with me the first night, and the manager lady, who I feel so big, she's again, so sweet. So she's trying to, like, almost like, hey, this is the new guy. So I had John Carden with me opening, and he's on stage, and I got. The owner's out there talking. I said, I feel sick as a dog still. I'm just smoking a cigarette, like, it's nice to meet you, blah, blah. He's like, yeah. He goes, you know, he always gives me the speech. He goes. He goes, yeah. He goes, I heard you were disappointed. She said you were disappointed because we're turning the place around or whatever. Like, she said she was making a joke, right? That I said, because every time I come, they go, we're getting. We got rid of the prostitute. I go, well, that's the whole reason I'm here, right? The prostitutes and the drug addicts, man, I want to watch the chaos. And then like, yeah, sorry, it's changing. It's not.

[B]

That'd be funny if he, he brought all that shit just to make Jay feel happy maybe. The place was amazing. And they, they up all the rooms. We need fingernails, needle tops. I want you to shit in the tub, dude.

[C]

Listen to this person out. This guy goes. He goes, yeah, I popped in. The guy who's on now is pretty funny. He goes, but I've come for a few of these now. I don't really think anybody's that funny.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

I don't think that's that funny at all. He goes back and he goes, he goes, I haven't seen you yet. But the guy on's pretty funny.

[B]

So he's motivating. He said he's giving you goals, which a good club owner should leave the wording of that.

[C]

He goes, yeah, I haven't seen you yet. But, you know, I guess I'll. I'll reserve judgment.

[B]

Well, if he came in and he just kissed your ass, you wouldn't have tried as hard as you did, so

[C]

I didn't try it all, dude. I'm surprised I didn't pass out on stage that night. I was so sick.

[B]

What, did he come up to you after and give you a thumbs up?

[C]

Nobody come up to me after that. I was jetting out.

[B]

You went back to your suite.

[C]

I got caught.

[B]

Oh, regular room.

[C]

Sorry, my suite? Yeah, it's a regular room now.

[B]

You went back to the wet suite.

[C]

No, no, no. No wet suite for me.

[B]

Maybe there was a water thing. Like some. You know what I mean? Like, some people like to have, like, themed rooms. Maybe that was like a water room.

[C]

It's possible.

[B]

Like people who love the ocean. We wet the carpet.

[C]

So what is this?

[B]

Is that him? Is that Fred?

[C]

No. Wait, when is this? This is from 2011. No, there was not another guy. Another guy named Fred, though, did own it before. That was the guy who owned it forever.

[B]

Only Fred's can own this place.

[C]

You might be right. Did you know that that guy was the guy who did a weird. Like, he owned it and he had a, like a mandatory, like, workshop on Saturday mornings. He did not for the cop. He would always ask us to come, like, speak at it. But it was like, what it was is him and three other, like, local, but older. Like, like gone nowhere in comedy.

[B]

I would have loved to have done that. Oh, woke up and just shown up and gave a speech. Like an AA meeting?

[C]

Not even. No, no. What they do is they just sit there and they make the young comics go up there and do comedy. And then, like, the whole thing is, you have to go, here's my jokes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Someone goes, yeah, that second one. Have you thought about maybe not making it a girlfriend? Making it your mom? It's like that kind of insanity. It's like material.

[B]

You've never done. A workshop.

[C]

Damn right.

[B]

You've never been voxed.

[C]

You're not wrong.

[B]

So, I mean, maybe you should have went down and tried the workshop. Certainty is my favorite style of comedy. If you can be confident not funny, you're still gonna get away with it. That's true, though. I gotta say. That is true.

[C]

That is true. I think we've overdue for a break. We gotta take a break. When we come back, I have one more thing to tell you. That was crazy.

[B]

God, dude, but. But you love this.

[C]

I do. I love it. You're not wrong.

[B]

You can never not go to this place.

[C]

Oh, I'll always go back to that club.

[B]

I'm actually gonna get booked there.

[C]

I don't know if I'll stay there again.

[B]

You have to.

[C]

But I might give it one more roll. Because the thing with this time, that made it so bad. Yeah, they did with Paco last year. We had a blast.

[B]

Yeah, but Paco comes from a third world country, sleeps in a bush.

[C]

True. No, but I'm saying we had a good time.

[B]

Is that the buffet place?

[C]

Yeah. Okay, but the buffet's down. Oh, thank God the buffet is down for you're already sick until. Until Easter. Yeah, no shit. Well, I liked the buffet a lot last time. It's like a seafood buffet. Ooh.

[B]

You ate seafood at this fucking place?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

It's Jacksonville, dude.

[B]

Are you trying to kill yourself?

[C]

Look at the restaurants. Nice. And the comedy club is nice. The hotel is a shithole. It's so weird. Windham would have fixed it up. Rama, one of them. You think somebody would get involved, but. Well, yeah. Let's do our plugs, we come back. I gotta tell you one more thing.

[B]

Big Jay is gonna be. He's gonna be at a better place this weekend because it's the number one club in the country.

[C]

Told. I told John Carnage this week ago. Buddy, think how boring it's gonna be next year or next week when we're in fucking comedy on stage. Comedy on stage. And a nice hotel down the street.

[B]

Beautiful walking distance. The club walking into the club.

[C]

It's a really nice hotel.

[B]

Rooftop club, bar.

[C]

Oh, really? I don't even know the name, but that is just like the place itself is a clean, nice hotel.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

And that is boring.

[B]

Boring for us.

[C]

For us.

[B]

For us. And, you know, it's got a really clean bathroom. No fingernails.

[C]

Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

[B]

Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Then he's going to be in Phoenix at another nice hotel. And then in Tempe and St. Louis,

[C]

said two that will be nice hotels.

[B]

Yeah. We're not going to talk about it. Why would you talk about it?

[C]

I never bring up the hotels ever. Because they're always just fine. At least fine to good.

[B]

Really good fine. And no fingernails.

[C]

No fingernails.

[B]

Tickets and tour dates go to bigjay comedy.com YouTube.com/at Big J Okerson.

[C]

And Bobby, if you want to listen, in the background, you're hearing the story of Moses, which you might not know either.

[B]

I'm gonna check that.

[C]

Bobby Kelly is going to be learning about Moses and then he's going to be at the Verve in Somerville, New Jersey, this week. Thursday, March 19th. Christine's coming down the.

[B]

There only like two tickets left.

[C]

So come meet Christine. Get some pizza.

[B]

Yeah, we're going to pizza before. If you want to show up, Christine's available.

[C]

Christine's available for paid photo opportunities.

[B]

She has $10 a shot.

[C]

Damn. You should set up Christine. Set up a booth. Take a picture with Christine. Booth. Yeah.

[B]

It's $10 to take the photo and 50 to get it.

[C]

Because $50 to get the photo. And you could also feel her up for $100.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

That's an over. The clothes feel up.

[B]

How much do you get?

[C]

Like none.

[B]

None. Okay, great.

[C]

It's not my body. Her body, her choice. And then of course, you can see Bobby at Comics roadhouse in Connecticut, April 17th and 18th. After that, Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey. Cleveland, Ohio, New Orleans. All on deck after that for tickets and all of his tour dates, go to punch up that live Robert Kelly is YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course, every Tuesday night, 7pm at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cellar. Get your tickets now.

[B]

Yeah. Make sure you check out our podcast, everybody. It's right on the app. We have a little podcasty thingy. Make sure you go to the app and check that out.

[C]

Working on his ark.

[B]

Ark.

[C]

We'll be right back. Sip on fire.

[B]

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[A]

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