Pervert Park

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode Title: Pervert Park
Date: September 26, 2025
Host: SiriusXM

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Episode Overview

This episode riffs with The Bonfire’s signature blend of blunt humor, dark topics, and riff-heavy chemistry between Jay (Big Jay Oakerson) and Bobby (Robert Kelly). The central theme is a no-holds-barred, darkly comedic conversation about changing attitudes toward childhood, parental oversight, and—most of all—society’s handling of sex offenders ("Pervert Park"). The episode draws on current pop culture (documentaries, viral sting videos, true crime), personal anecdotes, irreverent hypotheticals, and even the logistics of vigilante groups like the Guardian Angels. Regulars Christine and Jacob also jump in, and the crew remains unfiltered, pushing boundaries for the sake of laughs—while lampooning everything from 1980s nostalgia to modern helicopter parenting.

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Main Themes and Discussion Points

1. 1980s Childhood vs. Today’s World

(01:08 – 06:29)

• Jay and Bobby reminisce about what they perceive as a wilder, less supervised upbringing.
• Jokes about misheard lyrics (Simple Minds’ "Alive and Kicking").
• Discussion of classic John Hughes films, with irreverent speculation about Hughes’ interest in teenagers.
• Quote: "Just even getting molested was kind of cool... At least we have a story. Like these kids are going to have no stories." — Bobby (02:32)

Key Segments:

• Nostalgia and Sexual Boundaries: Jay and Bobby create increasingly absurd scenarios about their own children, reflecting on boundaries, trauma, and how stories of the past differ from the present.
• Parental Supervision Then vs. Now:
  • Bobby: "We got let out in the morning and just came back at night. Nobody—my parent, my mom never went to the park with me..." (06:13)
  • Jay: "Now you gotta kidnap the mom and the kid. What an ordeal that is." (22:51)

2. The "Pervert Park" Documentary and Sex Offender Communities

(12:19 – 15:54)

• The conversation turns to a documentary about a real Florida trailer park for released sex offenders—commonly dubbed "Pervert Park."
• Jay describes scenes of residents’ complaints about being harassed despite "doing their time," lampooning the awkwardness and moral gray area.
• Quote: "One trailer park allows pedophiles." — Jay (13:05)
• Quote: "Jay, pedophiles have feelings too, man." — Bobby (13:05)

Key Segments:

• Societal Isolation of Sex Offenders:
  • Joking about "corralled" sex offenders, and how, despite reform or punishment, recidivism and stigma remain powerful forces.
  • Imaginary scenarios about designating actual parks for sex offenders, complete with warning signs like "alligators."
• Dark Satire on Vigilante Justice:
  • The crew jokes about sending Jacob, shaved and childlike, into Pervert Park as bait (25:24).

3. Pedophile Hunter Phenomenon & Online Stings

(09:02 – 12:19, 17:12 – 21:24)

• Jay reflects on the persistence of caught sex offenders, the psychology behind their compulsion, and the rise of "pedophile hunter" videos.
• Debate over whether online grooming and hunting has reduced violent/stranger abductions.

Insights:

• On Recidivism and Risk:
  • Jay notes the risk offenders take: "At this point, if you're successfully having a teenager or a preteen texting you ... you go at this point knowing 97% at least it's a pedophile hunt."
• On Vulnerability of Offenders:
  • Over 50% of the "caught" individuals, Jay claims, are "retarded people"—a blunt and un-PC observation about the overlap of intellectual disability and predatory behavior (17:32).

Anecdotes:

• Bobby shares a personal story about his son nearly being targeted by an online scammer posing as a girl (21:08).

4. The Guardian Angels, Urban Safety, and Subway Tales

(40:07 – 66:02)

• Jay and Bobby riff on encountering Curtis Sliwa (founder of the Guardian Angels) and debate the effectiveness and absurdity of vigilante groups.
• Long, extended bits about joining the Guardian Angels—apparel logistics, group history, and the cultural symbolism of the red beret.
• The team even tries to sign each other (and Lewis, an absent friend) up for the Guardian Angels online, culminating in plans to wear full regalia during commutes and turn it into a recurring on-air bet.
• Quote: "I'm joining the Guardian Angels. Yes. We just sit at home. I thump my butt all the time when there's crime out there." — Jay (45:06)
• Humorous speculation about the beret as a symbol of manliness, referencing Rambo, mimes, and the Green Berets.

Notable Story:

• Bobby details a "Scared Straight" visit to prison from his youth—how it both terrified and amused him and the other young offenders (28:57).
  • "These guys were actually nice... One guy... looked like my real father. And then he got needy, like he wanted me to write him letters." — Bobby (30:30)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------------|-------| | 02:32 | Bobby | "Just even getting molested was kind of cool... At least we have a story. Like these kids are going to have no stories." | | 05:49 | Jay | "Max is a come on the chest kind of guy." | | 13:05 | Jay / Bobby | "One trailer park allows pedophiles." — Jay <br>"Jay, pedophiles have feelings too, man." — Bobby | | 15:53 | Christine | "I don't know about reform. It's just... they're released." (on Pervert Park) | | 17:47 | Jay | "Most of these pedophile hunts that they catch, i'd say over 50% of them are retarded people." | | 21:08 | Bobby | "...Some smoking hot Spanish girl was hitting up Max... And then we found that it was some African dude." | | 22:51 | Jay | "Now you got to kidnap the mom and the kid. What an ordeal that is." | | 24:14 | Jay | "With you wearing those headphones and those glasses, you seem like a coach giving a speech about rap tackling." | | 29:06 | Bobby | "They took us to the prison... They bring the prisoners in one by one. There's a prisoner for every kid..." | | 45:06 | Jay | "I'm joining the Guardian Angels. Yes. We just sit at home. I thump my butt all the time when there's crime out there." | | 57:04 | Jay | "You just take your beret off and go like this." (on what to do if a fight breaks out and you're a Guardian Angel) | | 65:17 | Jay | "It pulls away like opening a grilled cheese or something." (on "the grilled cheese effect of jizz") |

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Timestamps & Segment Breakdown

• 01:08–07:00 – '80s pop culture, parenting, sexual mores, John Hughes
• 07:00–12:00 – Generational changes: child freedom, supervision, abduction jokes
• 12:20–22:00 – Pervert Park documentary: community for sex offenders, morality, recap of doc
• 22:00–28:00 – Techniques for catching/kidnapping, parenting advice in a dangerous world, “Scared Straight” programs
• 28:00–39:00 – More on Scared Straight, the personality types of offenders, stories from prison tours
• 40:00–50:00 – Guardian Angels, subway tales, vigilante justice, wearing berets as symbols of manhood
• 50:00–59:00 – Betting on wearing Guardian Angel gear, more on urban danger and masculinity
• 59:00–end – Shopping for Guardian Angel costumes, logistics, jokes about bodily fluids on vintage gear

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Tone and Style

• Language: Unfiltered, explicit, irreverent; frequent dark humor and taboo-busting jokes
• Dynamic: Jay and Bobby riff off each other, escalating scenarios for laughs and shock; the crew (Christine/Jacob) interject with facts, questions, and the occasional rebuke
• Approach: Satire and personal anecdote mix with mock-serious debate—unafraid to push comfort zones but (arguably) self-aware about crossing lines

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Conclusion

This episode of The Bonfire showcases Oakerson and Kelly at their most unrestrained: musing on generational change, mocking the weirdness of society’s fringe, making light of personal and cultural trauma, and lampooning attempts at street justice. The Pervert Park documentary inspires extended riffs on the practicalities and ethics of isolating sex offenders, while the perennial chaos of modern parenting, true-crime news, and New York subway culture serve as comic fodder. Laughter is wrung from the darkest topics on radio, with a tone that’s unapologetically brash—and very much "The Bonfire."

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

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[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, supply run. Fix the faucet.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

I used to thought. I used to think this song said I like to kick it. Which wasn't really appropriate for the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey Lou, can you get me. I like a lot of headroom.

[Christine]

What's the real line?

[Jay Oakerson]

Alive and kicking.

[Christine]

I've been kicking.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I like to kick it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this Simple Minds? Yeah. Yeah, dude, this is my. My error. Dude, are you proud of me?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm really proud of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never seen you happier.

[Jay Oakerson]

For me right now, in my mind, the show was gonna start with me going like, Bobby, do you notice things? Listen, you were gonna do a bunch of. And then my clue was gonna be, yeah, this is one of those bands where I we talked about when we drive together that you like. I show you that band's. Yeah, other song. This is their other song.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is the other song. The other song was in say Demo's Fire.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, Breakfast Club.

[Bobby Kelly]

Breakfast Club.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry. But yeah, that's their biggest hit ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that John Hughes?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who is a weird looking dude back then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. They also said it was just weird. It's always hindsight stuff. And they're like, why did John Hughes want to hang with teenagers so much? Why do you want to make so many movies about teenagers and the plight of teenagers? John Hughes definitely dipped his fingers in that fiery crotch of Molly Ringwald.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it was okay back then.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was totally cool. It was a different time where things were.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was talking about that with Colin. Like I feel bad for kids now because the we got to do sexually back in the day. Just even getting molested was kind of cool. Yeah. You know what I mean? At least we have a story. Like these kids are going to have no stories.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, they're not going to. Stories going to be just. Their face is going to be all over the place because they're that molested kid from the molester they caught.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but they're not going to have, like, Max is never going to have, you know. You know, with some fat chick in a bush playing with his ding ding.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no. You want me to touch Max's wiener? It's going to come over.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I don't know. Just maybe for the story later in life. So if you remember that time Jay came over and molested me, if you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Want, I'll stay night. We'll say I had to crash your place.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I'll go into Max's room. But I'm gonna keep giving, like, the shush thing. I'm like, no, no, we're both gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get in trouble if you wake your dad up.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I'm just gonna get next to him. I'm gonna breathe on his neck a bunch, so it's really uncomfortable. But it gets an involuntary boner, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's always there anyways.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just like, I'm not gonna do anything. Just, like, I'm gonna take, like, a finger down his, like, arm. Up and down his arm a little bit. I just want to make him feel really weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if he. What if you don't go? Shh. He says, shh.

[Jay Oakerson]

He sh. Me and takes control.

[Bobby Kelly]

He shakes control of your boner.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bad news. I went down to molest Max. Good news, turns out I'm a power bottom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max is the alpha. I go downstairs. Your legs are just behind your head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your son had me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're wearing just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Max had me last night. Don't get mad at him. I was. Then I was going in there to have him.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're wearing just my pocketbook. Put my dad's pocketbook on.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm making. Put my dad's pocketbook on. Go make his eggs in my shirt. I have to wear his lacrosse jersey and no pants. You're gonna come and go, Max? I go, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, dad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can I call you dad now? It's official downstairs and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Casa de Max.

[Jay Oakerson]

We just broke in. Casa de Max. Something weird?

[Christine]

The bottom of your toy showing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like an animal house.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you wouldn't mind me, slight suggestion.

[Bobby Kelly]

He got his ass knuckles sticking out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, would you. Would you mind. Dawn, would you mind throwing some patterned sheets on Max's bed? Because I'll tell you what, the straight white's showing a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it is true. Like, I mean, out of all the crazy stuff we did sexually. I mean, it's better for them that they're going to have some normal sex life. But think of all the weird shit that we did early in. And now there's stories just in our lives that we tell each other to make each other laugh or to relate with each other. But now kids aren't going to have those weird. You know the time I dated the girl to do my homework and then she want to falling in love with my friend and then. But she still liked me and she. He was making out with her on the stoop and I was finger banging her while he was kissing her knacks will never have that story.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I think you're wrong about that. I think you have that like complete reverse wrong. I think they're so overexposed now. Maybe there's a pendulum swinging back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do you have. Why does it have to be completely vertical? Can it just be wrong?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I think it's like. I think they're so open to stuff now that I think like girls faster than ever. Like, come on my face.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I was talking really well. Well, it depends on how you bring your kid up. But Max is never gonna have my. Max was with his girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

Max is a come on the chest kind of guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. On yours.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You let him splat wherever he wants.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right. He loves big tits.

[Jay Oakerson]

But oh my God, he's so young. Oh God, it must come out like a goddamn fountain. Jay, what are you doing over this morning? I was drowning in Max's come last night.

[Bobby Kelly]

We made popsicles out of it. Yeah, no, but he. It's. It's. I think kids are not. Kids are helicopter now. We. When we were kids, we got let out in the morning and just came back at night. Nobody My parent, my mom never went to the park with me or, you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Know, once you were able to go out, you were sent out and it was just. I said if you were. If you said you'd be home at a certain time, if it got two hours past that, they would just report you missing to the police.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were probably missing or kidnapped.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. But then when you got home, they were like, where the fuck were you? I'm sorry. And then that was it. Like, if Max didn't come. I know where Max is all the time. I have a thing on my phone.

[Jay Oakerson]

You didn't have parents. You never got punished. I would get punished if I was late and shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd your cop dads do?

[Jay Oakerson]

My what? Oh, my cop Dads weren't involved in my punishments. No. I was like a grounded kid. It was just like a. You know, have to be in my room, couldn't go out. It wasn't really be in my room because I also had to babysit so much, but it would be, like, not. But I also had a bunch of leeway because I was so importantly helpful with my siblings.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you know what I mean? Like, I was able to, like, get a co. Get away with a little more stuff because I was like, you know, like, if I was punished for, like, two weeks, they'd say I couldn't go out by the end of, like, that weekend. When I watched my siblings for 16 hours a day for two days, they'd be like, go do something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I. I was. I was out all day with all my friends, and you could. There was never a parent in sight, ever. You never. Like, if you go to the park now, they were all parents. It's all. You're a. It's all parents. It's. There's no kids. You'll never go to a park now and see just kids.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hardly ever. Very hard to kidnap these days from a park.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible. You can't.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. You got to snag them right after school.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't even have just a van at a park because people turn that in.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know. Right now you gotta steal kids in a sports car. That guy wouldn't steal a kid. He's got a Lambo.

[Bobby Kelly]

And kids have very fast e bikes. Way easy to catch a kid on a regular bike.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it really is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Unless you catch a hill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You know, easy to catch a kid on roller skates. Fantastic.

[Jay Oakerson]

70S were so easy to kidnap kids on roller skates.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have electric scooters now. Just fly away, do 30 miles an hour.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just open the van and drop a ramp in front of them. They go up it. Oh, whoops.

[Bobby Kelly]

It'd be funny just to see a pedophile trying to catch a kid in the. On an electric scooter. Just, Just. Just some guy sweating out of breath. Man, slow down.

[Jay Oakerson]

You, like, you had to get caught from the kid turning you in or rumor mill in a town that you were a pedophile back in the day. I mean, now, like, the fe. It again. I'm always blown away. I'd love to know the psychology of the compulsion to. Kids, Jacob. Underage kids. So, Jacob, if you could just answer that for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fill us in real quick.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it all starts with their innocence. I like stealing their innocence.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm Taller than them.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm. It's like, it's amazing now by the way. Good, because they should get exposed for sure. I do believe that.

[Bobby Kelly]

But that's not what you're telling me this afternoon. But whatever you want to do now, that's all fair. Dude, I know off air talk, on air talks two different things.

[Jay Oakerson]

But that was Jay Okerson. This is the character Big J Okerson.

[Jacob]

That was Jason.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was Jason Michael Oerson in West Philadelphia.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was Jason. I had to babysit a lot as a kid and that's where I got into it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. God, my sisters were so hot. So no, when I watch this, like, what the. Like the compulsion must be so much because at this point, if you're successfully have a teenager or a preteen texting you and telling you to come over and their parents are gone, you go at this point knowing 97% at least it's a pedophile hunt. It's a. Or you're being set up by some people who don't even film it. Just people beat the shit out of you. It's just like the success rate has to be so low and they still show up every time. They still go, maybe this is the one. Maybe this is the one. Super open ch. Because again, it's molesting, it's statutory rape what they're going to do. But in their minds, this. A 13 year old was going like, my parents are gone and boy, I would love to try getting it up my shitter. Like, wow, it's weird. Never heard a 12 year old talk like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

But there are, she's like, there are kids, teens I guess, who are into older people.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, they're 12 year olds.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, look, I, I hung out with, I hung out with young.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were molested.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but I have that awesome story now, is what I'm saying.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, Bobby. No one's arguing. Super awesome moles.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have never been a comedian. I would have probably been a regular person if I didn't get molested.

[Jay Oakerson]

That chick fist you in the comedy wasn't fist. I thought you said she got her entire hand into you. To the wrist.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, my mouth.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I sucked at her fist. Yeah. And then she just tickled my asshole. I don't like anything in my ass.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, she wasn't doing it for you to like it.

[Jacob]

Homo you are.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Bobby, she was raping you. She wasn't trying to make it nice for you. He said she wouldn't have done that to me. She was great, great Lady, I just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Think that it's weird to me that you would go to the kid's house to. You know what I mean? It's like, that's not their house, that's their parents house. That is so risky. That'd be like going to the. If I was gonna get a hooker, I'd be going to the pimp's house to fuck the hooker.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it is. They go. I think actually a lot of times they do get. It's. They do the sting houses and that is people believing they're coming to the house.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's weird.

[Jay Oakerson]

While the parents are gone most of the time, I think a lot of them are like, it's. It's either meet us at Walmart, Walmart's a biggie. If. Let me tell you something. If a kid you're trying to. Hey, pedophiles. If a kid you're trying to fuck tells you to meet at Walmart, it's a pedophile hunt. Why Walmart? But every place. I'll tell you what, every place rich in pedophiles though, has a Walmart. No doubt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where is the. What is the state that has the most pedophiles?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's got to be that place. It's got to be that pedophile park, like, has to increase the population.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a pedophile park.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's a documentary about it. Bring up the trailer for. What's it called?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't they just shut this park down?

[Jay Oakerson]

By the way, there's a funny. There's an episode of Cops or some kind of body cam thing I saw where people were driving through and talking in pedophile park. And the cops had to sit there and take seriously the report from like the pedophiles going, like, look, okay, we just want to be left alone. We did our time, all right? We do everything we got to do. And they're driving through just saying stuff and it's just up, you know, because like, we're just trying to do what we can, you know, because one trailer park allows pedophiles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, pedophiles have feelings too, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And those feelings must be most of the time thinking about fucking children, because they will go even when they know for sure. It's definitely going to be a pedophile hunt. It's always a pedophile.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay, there's no kids who want to fuck you.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if they sectioned off a certain park for pedophiles? And if the kid enters the park, it's their fault. Like. Like this park. Like, if there's a pond with alligators in it. I'm not gonna. If they say, oh, there's alligators in here. What if they put up signs? Hey, there's pedophiles in this park. Like they do with alligators.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's go there and film Max walking around in short shorts in a feather boa.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to get. You want to get some guys involved? Get James.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, man. James is long and lean.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. James is shredded right now. Herbert Park. Dude, it's called Pervert Park.

[Jacob]

Florida.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, of course it is. When I said it, I knew where. I knew where the perversion was.

[Christine]

We're asking which section of Florida.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's got to be near Tampa. It's got to be Tampa. 100% Tampa. In that area, clear water.

[Jay Oakerson]

Could be. I'm with Jacob, though. Somewhere in Polk County. This is inland.

[Jacob]

Wait, though. This says that it's a Florida justice system system. Trailer park. Like it's part of their release. Well, no, it's not to reintegrate them.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's just a place that will. That doesn't question if they are. So everybody, they come out and they all go to this trailer park.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, so it's a trailer park with reform, Quote, unquote. Pedophiles go there.

[Christine]

I don't know about reform. It's just. They're released.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

They just did their thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

They are released, reformed. I don't know.

[Jacob]

And I still love those kids, but.

[Jay Oakerson]

At least we have them corralled.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you ever get over a kid, Christine? Ask Jay. Not big Jokerson.

[Christine]

It must be like that pull to stare at the ark, you know?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go see what's going on. Purple Park.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you stare at you, your face melts for your dick gets hard. Oh, man. If they can't be respectful, they don't need to come in a park. It's true.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, everybody be respectful.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kids.

[Jay Oakerson]

Beautiful, beautiful children.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to talk about Underoos.

[Jay Oakerson]

Super hot children.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tricycles.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wagons. Do we have any wagons?

[Jay Oakerson]

The smell of young. Young flesh and fear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Stretch Armstrong toys. Do we have any of those? Ah, guy's got a truck, and he left. Ah, come on. Do that with a very select group of people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because some of it can be quite disturbing. I have to feel comfortable that they're not gonna rat you out and send you back to prison, you piece of.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think it's not gonna change their opinion of me. It's gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do pedophiles have A look. Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's hard to get a razor when you're a pedophile.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're all a little clammy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean? Just a little.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, that's one thing I'm always surprised by too. Like when I watch the pedophile hunts and the guys show up at the sting houses or Walmart or anything, they're coming to meet, like they're getting pictures of someone they find to be like hot in their mind, you know what I mean? And I think and they go, and they are like you said they're wearing like, like a who farted? Shirt and flip flops and whatever. It's like a schlubby fat guy, his belly hanging on, he's like, what? So wait, there's not a sexy 14 year old here to see me?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, can I.

[Jay Oakerson]

His shirt's got like stains all over. He's like, wait, what? This whole thing was a sham Lamb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you think it's. That it's easier for them because they can't get regular women or they have a fear of meeting women or they, you know, that meeting a kid is easier for them?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I think it's got to be a. It's a, a mind chemical wrong reaction to have to children. Now what I do think, where that comes into play is like I said, unfortunately, most of these pedophile hunts that they catch, I'd say over 50% of them are retarded people. And the thing is they're showing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a minute, did you say 50% of them are actually mentally retarded?

[Jay Oakerson]

The people they catch?

[Bobby Kelly]

The people they catch. Mental, like down syndrome?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but like walking the line a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, like autistic.

[Jay Oakerson]

Autistic. And if not that, if not that, just like slow brained, you know, you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have to let them go. Like if it was like I didn't want to duck a dick, you'd have to be like, all right, you gotta catch him, at least on this one.

[Jay Oakerson]

So well, you know. Well, that's what the cops did with that. You know, the screaming midget that I show all the time. Jason, the screaming midget, when he gets caught, he goes, get out of here. And he runs. And the cops are just like, will you leave this guy alone? He's a retarded midget. He will. Like I said, all the people that are like, the retarded people are all fucking like, they show up and they would have answered if it was a 90 year old. Yeah, if they said they were 90. 19, 36, 4. They can't believe anyone's responding ever. Yeah, dude, you don't fuck around.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that him?

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Get when he's leaving the car. You want to hear the screams. That's it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's. He was trying to meet a kid, this kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

This guy's so retarded. The. This is the fourth video. On the first video, they catch him when he leaves.

[Bobby Kelly]

He.

[Jay Oakerson]

They jump back online with him to see if he'll re. Engage. And he's like, your uncle just came here. That was pretty awful. Like, so I guess I'm in trouble now or something. And he go and he says, like, crazy shit, this guy. He's nuts. He's also. If you look at. He tells you you can dunk. He was dunking a basketball.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is that hard to believe?

[Jay Oakerson]

He's a midget.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you don't know his jump.

[Jay Oakerson]

Man, I hate when little people bond together to try to prove you could do big things. Yes, I'm sure with the help of acrobatics and trampolines, you guys can all touch the rim.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying it's possible.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, he didn't say he was at a trampoline park. He said he was. He was dunking at a regular basketball court. But they catch him again, and like I said, he goes outside and he's like. They just start texting him again like, your uncle just came here. Or he says, your uncle just came here. That was pretty awful. And she goes, well, he's leaving, like, tomorrow, so, you know, it's fine. We could just take pick back up tomorrow. And he goes, oh, can I still put a baby in you then? Stuff like. So it's like, it is the fourth time they catch him. And the cops. I think at the end of this video, the cops are like, hey, we're gonna arrest you if you keep bothering this guy, catching him, like, he's never gonna do it again. That's what's interesting about the idea of these guys there. Where's the line? Like, these guys think they're getting them, you know, like the grooming process online. Like, I wonder if that has changed the numbers of, like, cold pickups, like, on the street. Like a kidnapping pickup. Because you're like, now you can give a lot of effort to see if there's a kid that's into it. And then, lucky for us, 97% of it is pedophile hunters, right? So I wonder if that's what. I wonder what the stats on that would be, you know, I mean, since kidnapping, like, out kidnapping Violent kidnapping is down because guys think they can entice them online now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

Probably. I mean, I. Well.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, if it's net positive. I wonder if the net positive.

[Bobby Kelly]

There were. There were guys posing as girls on tick tock meeting kids.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do that for fun.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they were. They were. They were. That's how they were kidnapping kids. They were finding out where they live and then going to their house or being in that area and then just snatching them up and taking them on tick tock. So, yeah, they'll pose as, like, sexy girls. I told you he. Max had that. Some smoking hot Spanish girl was hitting up Max. He was dating her for like two days over Christmas. And then we found that it was some African dude. Motui. Motui or something.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I wound up calling the guy up and he's like, where's Max? And I'm like, yo, man, he's. He's 11. You're talking to an 11 year old. And he's like, I want to talk to Max.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was like, I love him. He's my baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah, but they were.

[Jay Oakerson]

You cannot keep us apart, Mr. Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's. They were at. He was. If you read the text, where do you live? She was talking to him, but it was really this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Stop calling her she.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but that's what she was saying.

[Jay Oakerson]

She wasn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was. Look, I still date her. I actually hooked up with him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, I've sent her $150,000.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm in.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna be fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I own a diamond mine in Africa, so whatever. It's gonna work out in a couple years. Jacob, what were you typing? That you took a big deep breath when you were done.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not about the word retard. That's. Okay. Again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, just check it. It's nothing worse when you start typing and then you. And you got to do your breathing exercises with a broad.

[Jay Oakerson]

The Internet's rise coincided with a broader decline of violent crime in the u. S. That began the 90s. The specific decrease in stranger kidnappings can be attributed to multiple factors, including increased public safety. Boring. Advancement in policing and law enforcement. Boring. The prevalence of surveillance technology. Those aren't the reasons I thought. I thought because they just thought it was easier to try to entice a kid online than kidnap them. I have the brain of a pedophile. Apparently. I'm thinking of all the positive ways to make this work out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the reason why they used to be able to take kids all the Time is exactly what we were talking about at the beginning. We used to just go out by ourselves. No cameras ever. No cameras, no cell phones, no parents. And we would just go to the park.

[Jay Oakerson]

No nonsense.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was nothing. And now you go to any park, every kid has a mom on a cell phone.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know. Now you got to kidnap the mom and the kid. What an ordeal that is.

[Jacob]

My best friend was just saying she just moved in her new community, and all the moms in the community have decided to do kind of like a. Let's let the kids roam free and, like, let them run off together and kind of not be completely on top of them and run around. She said it's been great for them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

They live in West Memphis, so Memphis is dangerous. You know how that works out for three kids going off to play by themselves?

[Bobby Kelly]

We let Max go by himself. We let him just go take off and do his thing. But I try. I have. I have his case. Something goes wrong. I looked in the one time, he was, like, four miles away from the house, but I was like, where is he? And. And I told Max, I go, if someone tries to kidnap you, just grab their leg and hold onto it. That's all you have to do.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like you want it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like you want it. And then try to unzip his pants. Because pedophiles don't like it. What? They want to take it. They don't want to. You know what I mean? They want to take it. They don't want to give it, like, free. They don't want it to be love. They want it to be, like some type of aggressive. No, if you hold. If you hold on to anybody's leg, they can't run. You know what I mean? Like, you can't. If you grab a kid and you throw him into your van, fine. But if you just grab his leg and hold on to it, how are they going to move, by the way?

[Jay Oakerson]

With you wearing those headphones and those glasses, you seem like a coach giving a speech about rap tackling, about, like, really getting in. There he goes. You stop a man's legs, his movement stops immediately. You take him off his game and the ball comes out.

[Bobby Kelly]

What you want to do, guys? You want to pray to Jesus Christ and then you suck that man's dick if he's trying to kidnap you? What if you did that? What if. What if you. If one of these pedophile hunts, they just went with it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, Pervert park. Go back a little bit so we can hear this guy's story.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can. Can I. So this is just the park where they go. This isn't a park where they get to. It's not drop your kid off just to teach him a couple consequences. Like I told you. I told you, be home at 9:00'. Clock.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now get in that park.

[Jay Oakerson]

I assume it's like having a piranha tank in your house. You know, I mean, there's always a threat for sure. You could always be like, I bet in that town of Florida, I bet Pervert park is a threat you make to send you over to Pervert Park. Keep up. I promise you. That said a lot for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to. We should go there next time we go to Florida and when this. We should go to Pervert Park.

[Jay Oakerson]

We gotta find out where it's at. We should dress up like little kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we should go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's just wear diapers.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should shave our body and just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go, yeah, let's wear diapers. But then like have like, you know, like those pornos where they write stuff all over us like, like fuck hole with an arrow pointing up to my face.

[Bobby Kelly]

We can just put. Shave Jacob down. Put a baseball hat. I'm on a Hulk Hogan shirt.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, you would clean up in Pervert park, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. You could restart society with the amount of different DNAs that'll be in your asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll go to Walmart and get him a bike with training wheels on it and just push him right into Walmart Park.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, they'll be able to make a person Jurassic park from the DNA solid and ember that comes out of your asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing though. We should drug him. Put him on the bike, strap him in so he just. He doesn't fall off and push him in and they'd be like, he's out cold.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's like throwing. You ever see at the zoo where they just throw a chunk of meat over the. Over the top into the lion's cage.

[Jay Oakerson]

St. Pete, home of Carnival of Combat and Pervert Park.

[Jacob]

Fly into Tampa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, I'll absolutely go St. Pete, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I knew it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm going.

[Bobby Kelly]

I knew it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo, I'm in Tampa. I'm inside Splitters. Like next month or something, I think. Next month.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, I wish we were going at the same time so we could go to Pervert park together.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should go. We should go dressed as perverts. And then bring Jacob, but bring him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like as our boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

A little pup, like a puff. What do they call the pupsoon or whatever in the front.

[Jay Oakerson]

Papoose.

[Bobby Kelly]

A papoose.

[Jay Oakerson]

We do need to say we should. We should. Jacob, we'll shave you down and let's walk you in there with, like, a baseball hat on, and we'll go. Do you guys have, like, open to the public room? You could do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, do you guys. Is one of these trailers just, like, free use for whoever? Because we found this little guy, and he's. He's game if you know what they say. This guy's ready to parte.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, can you shake a lisp?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. Don't be gay. That ruins it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, just a little kid. Hi, guys.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I guess Cindy used to walk.

[Christine]

Down the center of the street with the charms of lollipop in my mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't be gay.

[Christine]

Something like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What if the kid is gay? Does it ru for the pedophiles that. They want straight boys, Right?

[Jay Oakerson]

These guys want. These guys want to take from you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I don't want to ruin it for them.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, they want to take your masculinity. So keep your lollipop at home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Keep your palms. Here's what I want you to do. What I want you to do is. No, I want you to be like a little like. Like a boy who needs a dad. Like, you have, like, a baseball glove, and you're. You're just doing this a lot with the thing goes. Are we gonna have a catch over here? That's who they want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

A boy who thinks he's getting ready to play baseball. Not some kid who's like, what's up, boys? Who's first?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, hey.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who broug. Cool kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

We want a party. We want a comic book rolled up in your back pocket.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Yes. Nothing but pure intentions. You and your friend, are you going to play a little sandlot baseball? And then no one ever hears from me again.

[Christine]

I have my baseball glove and just. Yes, just throw it in my glove.

[Bobby Kelly]

We want you to have, like, a can of squirt and a. And a box of cracker Jacks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, and we got to get you that dog. Like, the little rascal's dog or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Patch on its eye.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, patch on the eye. Be a circle, a black circle. Dog eye.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be funny if you just got a bunch of kids and threw them in there one day just to see.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's scared straight. That would be better than scared straight. Just throw them in there and be like, it's cold outside. You boys want to come in? Oh, man, you Know, it rains here a lot in Florida.

[Christine]

I can't find that documentary. The original Scared Straight, I thought. I can't find it on the Internet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Christine]

The best. I remember watching it for the first time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, you know, I did that. Damn, they did that when I was in juvie hall. They used to take us to. They took us to the prison. Yeah, North Fork Prison.

[Christine]

Did it work?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, we went in and they take you into a room. You have to go through all the stuff and they take you into the room and. And then they bring the prisoners in one by one. So there's a prisoner for every kid and there's one counselor. And then they go through the room and they introduce themselves. And one of the guys that came in was. I don't know, he had to be like, six, seven, this big, huge, bald black dude. And as soon as he walked in, everybody, even the prisoners, were like, a little twisted. Like, oh, shit. But the counselor, the broadest day was like, oh, this is a problem. And we were all scared shitless. This guy walked in the room and kind of ducked through the door and sat down. And they're going around the room like, yo, Michael, second degree. Yo, I'm Tony, first degree, Tyrone, second degree. They were going through all their charges while they're in prison. It was all murder. And then they get to this big guy. Yeah, my name is Bubba. I'm here for first degree murder. And everybody and started cracking up and trying to hold it in.

[Jay Oakerson]

The six, seven guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

The six, seven guy. I remember, Bubba, I'm here for first degree murder. And we were just like, what the fuck?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I lost my testicles trying to escape from the police.

[Christine]

But they would. I remember the specific. I mean, there were always the kids. You could tell which ones of them were going to prison because they were like, you, this doesn't scare me. And the other ones, the other kids that would shit their pants, these guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

These guys were actually nice. I was expecting to yell at us and say, we'll fuck you in the ass. One guy I got kind of reminded me of my dad. He looked like my real father. And then he got needy, like he wanted me to write him letters. And I was like, all right, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is fucking the first person.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is not what I was. I wanted you to yell at me and threaten to fuck me.

[Jay Oakerson]

The first person to break in any Scare Straight program. The first person, boy or girl, fat, white, that acts black. The fat wigger, girl or guy, is the first person to start doing. Like, where do they start doing like the full hand, wipe tears. Like, no, no.

[Christine]

Yeah, it was an early 80s. I want to think Scared Straight. I remember 1979.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can watch it on YouTube. Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

Have a party futures now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you look for it in encyclopedia?

[Christine]

I did look on YouTube sometimes. They pull stuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

When did you look at YouTube? 17 years ago @ its inception.

[Christine]

I remember one guy saying, a lot of you kids have pets, huh? Like dogs and cats. Well, this is my friend, and he holds up a dead rat. Like, I mean, that were. That worked on me, Sid. I just remember that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. A little more pervert park, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's a Pats fan. This sucks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Classic Pats fan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Couldn't be a Jets or a Baltimore fan. No, I think pedophilia. I think Baltimore. No, really?

[Jay Oakerson]

Me, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Patriots.

[Jay Oakerson]

I go deep. Massachusetts, Deep Mass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not deep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buccaneers.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, real kid up there, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I go Go Birds.

[Jay Oakerson]

You saw Tom Brady French kiss his boy?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Birds fans of Jew haters. So whatever.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's fine. Jews don't score touchdowns.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jews pay for it. Sorry. What a. What a. Go Birds eyes. Free Palestine. What a.

[Jay Oakerson]

You really loop the. I'm sure the Eagles are kind of like. Okay.

[Jacob]

It's like, go Birds. And it's like the start of Free Palestine now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Unbelievable.

[Jay Oakerson]

Man. That would be hotter if she was thin and attractive.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she was. Were you guys thinking that she was, though?

[Jay Oakerson]

Were you guys?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was thinking that when she did it, she was hot. Oh, she became fat at this park. Because she's not. When you don't have to. When you don't have to be sexy to get them.

[Jay Oakerson]

Addiction switch, though, too. She did an addiction switch?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Like me with purses.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She doesn't ever sit around to whack off anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, that's so sad. She. Her son. She didn't say, well, whatever took his innocence. I mean, she. Him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mentally, it's different. I think it's different. No, put yourself in this position, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

If your mom does something to you that's gonna mess you up for life.

[Jay Oakerson]

Take. Let me cut you there. Close your eyes. All right, you're in your room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on. Let me close them tight. Go ahead. I'm in my room. My room Now, Will, me and Donna are. My room back in the day.

[Jay Oakerson]

Day? It's now. Okay, now, but you're a child.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. But can I go into my room back in the day? Because it'd be easier.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Thanks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your mom comes in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's looking toit.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom was kind of pretty back.

[Jay Oakerson]

In the Day she saunters in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Saunters?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

She pulls down your pajama pants and sucks your penis. Mom. Okay. Okay. Now erase that. Start from the beginning again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Close your eyes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep, close.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you're lying in bed. Lying in bed, your mom walks in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, mom.

[Jay Oakerson]

Looking fine as all hell.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ma, you look fine as tits.

[Jay Oakerson]

The way you remember when you were a kid, Shapely.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, dude, I'm out. I'm out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo, Bobby. Hang on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't, I can't. You took it too far.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, dude. You sound. I, I, I when you say picture.

[Jay Oakerson]

No problem with me. I made a whole. I did a whole gay scenario with me and your son. Me and your son had full on gay sex.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because that to me, I know you'd be gentle.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know how you are sexually. You know, a piece of. I don't want my aggressive mom tits coming in.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, let's start from the beginning.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Close your eyes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, good.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're in your room.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in my room.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're laying there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. My toy box is over there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your toy box is there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have a desk right over here. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your Steven Tyler and Joe Perry almost kissing at a microphone poster is over there, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, yeah. Your Dane Cook posters over there. It's on the ceiling because I like to go to sleep looking at it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You pride yourself on being early level Dane. You say that all the time. You were ground level Dane.

[Bobby Kelly]

I actually have a photo of him when he was in Greece and he played kidniki and Arlington high school play.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your mom walks in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, do I feel I fake like I'm sleeping?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I, I can't. I'm looking out of my eyes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. She comes in just to kiss you good night. Okay. But she sees the poster of Dane. Yeah. She gets worked up, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Fiery in the pants. She pulls your pajama pants down and she rides your penis.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, dude, listen. Now this is going. You're going. You had me, okay? And then you took it too far too fast.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right? So it would be worse. Point proven, Bobby. It would be worse if she you than if she sucked your dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. Either one would be terrible. Yes, one, I would come quicker because her vad she already had two kids by then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. She also has a velvet mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

How did you know that was her nickname?

[Jay Oakerson]

Velvet mouth Kelly. Oh, that's Massachusetts lore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, man, she is. That was her nickname back in Medford high.

[Jay Oakerson]

Once I ran out of stuff about witches. I kept looking into Massachusetts stuff that popped up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she really had a mouth like a reindeer's antler of the jerk off party. God damn it. I'll never forget that.

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Shifting Gears is back.

[Christine]

He has arisen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy what what? With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion welcome.

[Christine]

Oh boy, that guy's a tool.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

And taking back the streets.

[Bobby Kelly]

Funny you say that because vigilante justice.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then we're just coming up now an hour into the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Strange Curtis Sliwa. Okay, I look up and this guy is standing in front of me going, hey, how are you? And I. And it's him in the subway on 14th Street. Very small crew, you know, maybe I think maybe two guys, one, maybe him. And he looks up and he puts his hand. I shake his hand. And it's so funny that like I'm not voting for him. I wouldn't. I don't know if I'd vote for him. I wouldn't vote for him. But as soon as he was in my face, I was like, hey man, you're doing a good job. I just started talking like an idiot. I was like, doing a good job. Keep doing what you're doing. And it was like all these young girls were around me and they were just looking at me like a dildo. And then he handed me his card.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just caved into a guy in a red beret. That's all they saw. They have no context of this guy at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just.

[Jacob]

Well, we followed them for a while. I want to the Guardian.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna go for a furcon cork Maz. What's his name?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not furcon. Kirkmas.

[Jay Oakerson]

Furcon cork mas. I would vote for him. No, he's a pinpoint three point shooter from Turkey.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny that this guy is for concur moth. He's. He's walking the subway. The. The thing is, Curtis is the only candidate for New York City mayor who rides the subway. He's the only.

[Jay Oakerson]

He'll be dead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just like you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, just like you. Except he's wearing a fucking red beret and. And is essentially in some weird way challenging the crazies to come at him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing with him. If he just lost the beret, he would get so many more people into him. The beret is the thing that's. He won't lose it. I don't know why, because he's had it since the 80s.

[Jay Oakerson]

You never take off your patch, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but dude, you gotta lose the beret. No, you can't. We can't have a mayor with a.

[Christine]

Beret to take his hat off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I do. I want him to take that President.

[Jay Oakerson]

James Hetfield not wear his patch colors on his motorcycle jacket.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. At some point, Jay, I want you to lose the fingernail polish. No, later in life. No, not now. 60, I want it gone.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't want to see me like putting like putting some kind of gunk on my dentures to stick to my things with beautiful nails.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I want you to have like. I want you to have like a gorgeous place on the water in Florida and wearing like near it. Not on it, not at it, but near it. I mean just like a mansion on the water. Have a boat, have some pullover hoodie thing. That's the guy I want to see later in life.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't want to think about now. Is going to pervert park when I get down to Tampa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at this guy.

[Christine]

Is Curtis still fighting crime on the subways? Well, 71, he's trying.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should try to attack an old lady Bobby and see if he did something. You should try to rob somebody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I tell you what. Firm handshake. Firm handshake.

[Christine]

What is he battling crime?

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn. He got bitched up by Curtis Lee while on the train.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he is like Al Pacino and devil's advocate. He's down with the people, you know, on the subway. And this is how I know he's not going to win. You ready? This is how I know he's not going to win. I shook his hand. I shouldn't be able to get to you if you're running for the mayor.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you should show him how dangerous it was. Which is like a bunch of series of non contact hits. You like shake his hand goes bruh. Pleasure to meet you, candidate Sleewa. Throat chop, temple strike, headbutt to the nose. All these things, dude, you could have been dead right now. These guys your team, they suck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Funny thing is, guess what subway stop he. I saw him at.

[Jay Oakerson]

The one where you got killed almost by that guy when you had that fucking dance with one of the sharks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where were you two and a half years ago, you piece of shit.

[Christine]

Nobody wants to wear a beret anymore. Nobody joins the.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll do it. If they call me guardian angel.

[Christine]

Because they don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll join. Do you get a beret scent?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You get a beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll never not wear the beret the rest of my life.

[Christine]

I'd love for you to wear the beret.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my point. Dude, you can't wear.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I will.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should all wear berets.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I don't know. It depends if you're a guardian angel or not. Are you ready to police the streets?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Look at the Guardian. And now here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Join, please. Involved.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have Chinatown Guardian Angels.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. Join us. It's up there. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How many members of the. Ah, there.

[Christine]

You get a red comedy express jacket.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, here's the thing too. You get little pins.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's. Hang on a second. Dude, is this gonna be like Little League where it's like. Like you sign up and then you're waiting for your uniform and then they tell you it's like $300 for you to have to get it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's karate belts. Yeah. The belt system's a scam.

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course it is. Christine, do me a favor. Sign me up for the Guardian Angels.

[Bobby Kelly]

Please sign me up to. If you get a shot and. But you do get flair for your beret.

[Jacob]

Do you want me to use your actual emails?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Yes, of course you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm joining the Guardian Angels. Yes. We just sit at home. I thump my butt all the time when there's crime out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

But use Don. Actually sign Don up for me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want Don to be Christine.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what? Bobby's right. Sign yourself up for this. You need to be out there in the streets.

[Jacob]

Why do you want to help protect nyc?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because from. To take Muslim mayors.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, to take back on the beret. Tell them to take back the night. To take back the night and a beret.

[Bobby Kelly]

Say, are you writing this to take.

[Jacob]

Back the night and get a beret? I don't know how to spell beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, that's it. You did it.

[Jacob]

No, it's B E R E T. It's what?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I thought that's what you wrote.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

What'd you put?

[Jacob]

B A R E T and then.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put at the end and. Because I saw the warriors when I was a kid.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also mentioned the warriors and me and Bobby's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Both. Yeah. And the. Just say I saw the warriors and I thought it was cool.

[Jay Oakerson]

And also I saw the Warriors. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, oh, oh, wait. And red's my favorite color.

[Jay Oakerson]

Red's my favorite. This is yours. That's gonna be yours, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, that's fine. Red's my favorite color to take back.

[Jacob]

The night and get a beret. Also, I saw the Warriors.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Bobby, your reasons will be next.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, this is you.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can only do one submission at a time. Yeah, we're close. New York City. Christine. I wanted to get right to the heart.

[Jacob]

And your real phone number?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Work number.

[Bobby Kelly]

We give.

[Jay Oakerson]

Give Jacob's number.

[Jacob]

No, I give the comedy office number.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. You'll take my. You'll take my calls for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can we. Can we really?

[Christine]

The bonfire 800 number.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, don't give me 800.

[Christine]

You're right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can we put my phone number? It's fine. Every time we get spammed forever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can we sign Lewis up for real?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Change everything in that to Lewis's information and put his phone number, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if Lewis becomes the head of the Guardian Angels?

[Jay Oakerson]

So great. Are you doing it?

[Jacob]

I don't want to sign up Lewis.

[Jay Oakerson]

Come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, he's got you scared.

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought. Well, I told you this, remember? I said, wow, she'd go down with Lewis's ship before she reached out a hand and pulled me off a cliff.

[Jacob]

I'm worried to sign you guys up with your real info and you're sitting right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why put Lewis's information?

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't want a fucking safe street. You want New York to fuck. You want to fall into the gutter. We're trying to save this city, Christine.

[Jay Oakerson]

One man shall rise up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And that man's name.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tell them a mine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gomez.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tell him I know how to use nunchucks too. Nunchucks?

[Jay Oakerson]

Expert. Criminals. Come out and play.

[Bobby Kelly]

Our fingers wouldn't fit in bottles, though.

[Jay Oakerson]

Full two liters. The plastics are gonna make a noise.

[Bobby Kelly]

Milk cartons. Tell them I have Chinese stars too if they need extra.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you signing Lewis up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think she is. She's theater the minding us because we can't see it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know she took it off the thing, but that's okay. I trust her. Christine, look at me. Are you signing Lewis up? Are you signing us up? Up. Huh? Are you gonna join us? Okay. Good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you signing us up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, Are you in?

[Christine]

I'm not in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Christine]

I don't wanna.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because you want furcon. Cork Maz isn't our new mayor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say something?

[Christine]

First of all, Jay, you're Not on the subway. You don't know what it's like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't matter. Put in a lot of good minutes for the Philadelphia 76ers. Maybe his intentions for Concords.

[Christine]

You have to have situational awareness at all times on the subway.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, you do, buddy. I live my life. 360 view at all times.

[Christine]

Well, you know what I noticed when I. I can't live without the noise canceling headphones. Headphones especially. Like, it's so noisy on the subway. But it will make you drop your situational awareness.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't. You gotta have one in. I have one headphone on and the other one out. I don't put both headphones in. But this guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I blare music in both ears. And I stare down everyone who looks uncomfortable.

[Christine]

You have to sit up at all times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, this guy is on. A man was spotted waving tuna. He had two knives. Two knives?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

On the subway, threatening to. To stab people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, he's also holding one of those pizza carriers. Now, I'll tell you, if him pulling those knives got your pizza to you faster and hotter. Would you have a problem with this guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

I would not at all. I would not.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe he was like, oh, man, you gotta throw me a little bit of a tip, man. I'm gonna stab two in the train trying to get this pizza here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

If someone delivers your pizza on the train, don't eat it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's the train I take. That's the FM B D. Nobody helped. No, no. What are you gonna do?

[Christine]

They're all laughing.

[Bobby Kelly]

The guy is.

[Jay Oakerson]

What I've done. Are you asking me what I would have done?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What would you have done, Jay?

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, first things first. Go back to the beginning of this video. He comes in with the double knives and he starts screaming right away. And I go, what's that? I take a headphone off dramatically, right? I go, pardon? And then he goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, if you guys don't mind, I'll take this. And the people started. And they would start slow clapping like this for me. And then I would get in like that. That. Only the strong, like the Brazilian kind of thing. What the is that? And then individually, with sweeping, like those kind of kicks where, like, my head goes. Almost hits the ground and the leg swings around.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I take out one night knife. And then when he's like, you can't believe that happened. I do it the reverse side, other knife. And then he takes off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You let him go?

[Jay Oakerson]

I let him go.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you do? With the knives?

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you do with the knives?

[Jay Oakerson]

I kick him onto the track so nobody can get them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I accept a blowjob on the train from the first. Not fat person.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guy or girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

Guy or girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice. That.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can't be a hero and then be homophobic. It's going to freak people out. So if a guy goes, oh, my God, I'd suck your dick, I go, I'll accept that, sir.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you see the guy?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because I believe in America, there was a guy who.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know that the spin kick where you. You spin and you hit him with one leg and the other leg comes around, you hit him with the other one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Black Lute used to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I believe there was. I believe it might have been a father and son, and some guy was walking by them and kind of was in their way, and the father pushed him, like, get the out of the way. This kid backed up and spun kick the kid. And then the father knocked him both out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen. Because you thought the beginning of the video, you're like, oh, this guy was kind of being a dick, getting in their way, and the father was sticking up for the kids. Thought of me and Max on the subway like, hey, back off, funk funk.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's always the funniest. The funniest thing is always if you and your son get beat in front.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of each other, oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

You both catch a beating or just Max. Max just backs down after you get knocked out. He's like, no, no. I've seen what you're capable of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Slowly just puts his thumb in the guy's small pocket of his pants and walks away with them.

[Jay Oakerson]

Blackley, you can't do your spinning flip kicks no more.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's been a while.

[Jay Oakerson]

He did what? While we. While we worked here. You were able to do it. He did a pretty good one out in the hallway when we. Years ago.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did you. Was it kung fu? What did you know? Just a little karate. You knew karate, G. Roddy? Yeah, you can say that because you're a Jew. Did you. Why do I. When I say Jew, it sounds so mean. Jewish. Michael Rapaport was right. We shouldn't say it unless you are one. You. Do you still do it? Can you fight?

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, if the situation arose, I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Think I can handle myself. Would you. But would you throw a kick? Oh, absolutely.

[Jay Oakerson]

As a short guy, you need a good kick.

[Bobby Kelly]

So what would you throw, like a spin kick or a whip? What would you do probably a spin, but backwards you would. You don't want them to see you coming. That'd be your first move.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo, DJ Lou, you want to start cock fighting these little in our studio?

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, D.J.

[Jay Oakerson]

You want to start. You want to get them worked up on. On microphone. We'll get them all worked up against you and was watching fight and we'll bet on it. All right, good. Nice. Bobby, what's up? I wouldn't start a problem with Black Lou. He would fuck you up pretty bad. It would be embarrassing for everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here.

[Bobby Kelly]

The. That. What are you talking about?

[Jay Oakerson]

You have no idea. Jacob. You're just not prepared. The guy's got energy and strength that you're not.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not ready for at all. Fight both of them right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

You think you would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You think you would fight them right now. But I'm telling you, you will get your ass kicked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's do it. What do you.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's probably one way we can figure this out through individual three minute rounds, two rounders either way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Be good if l just came over and Swipe kicked me in the side of the head.

[Jay Oakerson]

All I saw was like, he's doing like the kick where it's like the one leg's bent.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just wake up at the next show.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's tomorrow's show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Collins here.

[Jay Oakerson]

We do. We had Colin Quinn yesterday on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's the best. I. I saw his hour the other night.

[Jay Oakerson]

What if you guys have a falling out on the show before we recorded it. Like we're saying this now. It's Tuesday even though it's airing Thursday.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've only fought in 25 years, almost 30 years. I've only fought with Colin Quinn one time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn, dude. You take everybody's Jacob Black Lou. God damn, dude. You're coming off on radio like a dj, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the. Is he cracking? I've seen this.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can only push a Wahlberg so far.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh? What'd you just call me? A Wahlberg.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what I call people from Boston. You can only push a Wahlberg to the brink so far.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just stabbed Blue in the eye with a pencil.

[Jay Oakerson]

His inherent racism is going to break out at some point.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, Black Lou said he's gonna your.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sister and your mother.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Yeah. I thought I was my mom.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh. Oh, that's right. That's why you're jealous. That's why you're so pissed about it. That must be why you're angry. You're jealous that Lou's Taking your fruit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd be so happy if Lou my mom.

[Jay Oakerson]

That would be great.

[Bobby Kelly]

The first stepdad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Probably work it out.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'd have such a good time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get her out, dude. Fucking blow her. Back it on Squam Lake.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Jacob, can I hook you up with my mom? What? If Jacob and my mom just hit it off.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would love Jacob to be my stepfather.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be so great.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can you be Bobby stepdad?

[Christine]

I'd be a good step.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you'd be her stepfather.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom would love you. Do you like, like crooning music? Like Frank Sinadra and Dean Martin?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she'd love you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob's gonna be strict though. Yeah, strict. In fact, he's gonna be that strict step parent that like, the kid's gonna complain to his real dad a couple times about it. Oh, no, he says I can't.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's do that. He's dead. So you gotta have to worry about it.

[Christine]

You have to have boundaries. You have to have discipline.

[Jay Oakerson]

You do need discipline.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

You will be going to bed at a normal time, Bobby.

[Christine]

Too many parents want to be their kid's friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think we should do a bet where one person has to wear a full guardian one of the guardian angels outfit on the subway home.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoever loses the battle royale between you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoever loses, we should come up with a bet. Whoever loses has to take the subway all the way to and from somewhere one day. Like, I would have to take the train from Westchester all the way to Grand Central and then up here. Or you would have to take the bus and the train from Wayne all the way to here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Jacob would have to take it back to Queens. That would be a mirror.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mirrored sunglasses.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you have to have flair. Like little. Little flare buttons.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. They have to know you're like a third degree guardian angel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You have to have four gold stars going across your beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I'd rather be Corey's angels than a guardian angel.

[Christine]

It'd be disastrous if an actual fight broke out. Do nothing.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's when you get to unleash Jacob. That's when you get to go full. Bernie gets on these.

[Christine]

If there wasn't, I would do nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

If the fight broke out and they were just looking at you going, come on, man. You have a beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just go like this. You just take your beret often. Go like this. Hold it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does it. Why is it.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a Halloween costume.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does it Beret. Why do they come up with a beret as A manly type of thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll say. Exactly. Why? The movie Rambo, Colonel Troutman. That's what happened. Curtis Sliwa saw that movie, tried to relate, thought it looked cool as. And now he wears a beret. It is no other reason.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because after that, all you think of berets is like, like, like fruity art. Guys who are wearing like, you know, all tight black clothes and have that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's a Ranger. Right. Rangers had beret and green. Green berets, of course, have berets.

[Jay Oakerson]

What color were they?

[Bobby Kelly]

Green.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. That works out.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was green. Jay. Yeah. The beret is not an attractive hat.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's fucking. It's two branches of the military and mimes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, that beret looks all right, but it's still a dumb hat. What is it? Is it supposed to get wind, go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Over your head easier, sideways, aerodynamic?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What is it? Why? What? What makes a beret a good hat? Why do they wear them? You know, it has to be something.

[Jay Oakerson]

It may be student Christine, by the way, I know the bit and definitely didn't sign us up for the green for the guardian angels, which is batshit. But could you instead, now can you Google shop and see if you could just buy guardian angel red berets? We could just. We don't have to join. We could just be.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to stop. We should sign up. Can we sign up the history behind us to be guardian angels?

[Jay Oakerson]

We can. Christine won't be a part of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sign up Chris and Giannis to be guardian angels. You know, Chris. Chris would actually do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

That would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chris would love a beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll do a shift. I'll do a shift to a guardian angel and a guardian angel. About two hours a week.

[Bobby Kelly]

Be funny if he did win. If this guy won and he made every resident of Manhattan have to do one shift a year of being a guardian angel.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, the real answer here is because you do. Jacob won't do this for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He might be terrified of the outcome of this, but I think you would for the amount that you ride the train. Because it's just like a couple stops.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You do 10 minute train rides, what, four times a week?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Roughly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

There should be some kind of bet where in that that's your punishment, is that you have to wear every time you get on. You don't have to wear it all day, but when you leave us and you're going to the subway, you have to fucking put your little beret on and then go in the thing and then you have to film yourself beretting the entire ride. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing. I would get the one with the tassel. I like that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. The little fez.

[Bobby Kelly]

A beret is only 17.99. That's nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's tactical gear.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't believe that. And you get it right in the city, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do they sell the beret? Can you buy. Christine, can you buy a guardian angel? See if there's a guardian angel outfit on ebay. I'm sure somebody quit the Guardian Angels.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Drugs are the best of them. I'm gonna sell my Guardian Angels outfit. It's time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put xxl, though. Whoa.

[Christine]

I just have to return your beret.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I wear a beret, though.

[Christine]

You have to return it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Like the guard. Like the Hell's Angels. Yeah. You have to return everything. You know, they have to return everything. Even take tattoos off.

[Christine]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you know your hat size, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I do.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I'm a 17.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, XL. I'll be a large.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

Like a baseball hat?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, this is a bit of a 71 5. Is that a thing?

[Jay Oakerson]

3. 5.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a 3? I think I'm 7 1/5.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think that's a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think so.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look it up. I hate when you say it's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think it is. I buy a lot of fitted hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love fitted hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bought 17 and 1 5th. Look it up. Is it 1 8th? Maybe it's 1 5th.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think there's an 8th. May.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine. Is there a 7th and 1 5th? Boston Red Sox hat. I believe there is. And 7 and 1 8. Maybe 7 and 1 8th.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just agreed there was a 7 and 1.

[Jacob]

And there's a 7 and 1 4th. There's 7 and 3.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no 7 and 1 5th.

[Jacob]

I'm not seeing it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's not. Okay. 7 and 11 8th then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, let's see if they have that and go back to the berets.

[Bobby Kelly]

So if I. If I. If I wear this beret. What if some. Somebody comes up to me and. And something goes down? Can I not. That'd be funny. Just to.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think you have to take immediate action.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if I don't and I just look at them? What if I help the guy?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you should be like. What you do is wait for problems to break out and then do nothing and go, Curtis. Sliwa said not to get involved. Tank it, dude. Then Furcon Cork Moss will become the guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is not his name, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

So wait, I didn't vote for a pinpoint three point specialist named Furon Cork Moss from Turkey.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was a star at 15 years old in the. In the Euroleague. You know what? Whatever. Too late. Votes in.

[Bobby Kelly]

You voted for a communist rapper.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is there a whole costume? I'm not. Sorry. Uniform.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Jacob]

So far I've only found one vintage shirt as a supporter and it's 500 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I like that. 500 for a shirt.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wonder if they know you can make that for 10 bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I wonder. Yeah, but you can't get Guardian angel red.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you can.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you can't. That's the only thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a special dye.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a special.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's his patented die.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a special live.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's got a patented die that he uses. I like the idea of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's wearing a suit and he has his beret on and he has one with a little tassel on the back and hocus.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna have one with a tassel.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the one you're having.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he is. It is sad because he is on the subway shaking hands. That's the type of dude you want. When the. When was. I saw somebody running for mayor who's actually on the subway meeting people, shaking hands, saying hello. Corinne didn't go on the subway shaking hands.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about? Yes, she did.

[Bobby Kelly]

She did? Yeah.

[Christine]

They met homeless people.

[Jay Oakerson]

She filmed a porno. I. You start all kinds of rumors now it's over. Campaign's over. Now. She did a porno on the subway.

[Christine]

Is the campaign.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, there's a jacket. How much is the jacket?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not that much.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's that? What size is it large? Well, I'd wear that. It'd be a little tight, but it's okay. It's just a Cardinals jacket.

[Jay Oakerson]

No Cardinals.

[Bobby Kelly]

The brand, I think it's a cardinal maybe.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, look up cardinal brand red jacket. Now you can make your own.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you saw the Cardinals logo, they actually just took out the stitching.

[Jay Oakerson]

That'd be great.

[Bobby Kelly]

And put that over it. Because here's why I. Back in the day, to get your own little jacket was a lot harder to do than it is now.

[Christine]

Bobby. That is the Cardinals, Jack. Because the cardinal on the stick is the Cardinals logo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's the Cardinal, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So we just Need a Cardinals jacket.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Christine]

They just took a Cardinals jacket and put the guardian angels on. Am I missing something?

[Jay Oakerson]

Full curtain pole. There it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that it? There you go. Dude, Is that. But is that a. That has no imagery on it?

[Jacob]

No, you have to get it embroidered.

[Jay Oakerson]

We'll get the imagery jacket.

[Jacob]

See?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How much is that one?

[Jacob]

61.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Much less.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want the real one, though. Maybe that has, like, that might have blood or jizz on it from back in the, you know, late 70s.

[Jay Oakerson]

Where are you thinking the jizz came from exactly?

[Bobby Kelly]

When they were fighting, the guy that was raping, and he came over and he stabbed the guy. Get off her. And then there was a fight, but he pulled out and the jizz flipped out on the jacket. And then he caught him. The guy cut him. And then that's the blood or.

[Jay Oakerson]

And this would be considered touch DNA, I believe, if you stop him from raping.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And when he gets up in a hurry, he's got a very big wiener and it gets up and, like, he goes. And his dick just kind of hits your jacket for a second and then creates that kind of string effect. Like, it pulls away, like opening a grilled cheese or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the grilled cheese effect of jizz.

[Jay Oakerson]

The grilled cheese effect of. Of drying jizz. Quick drying jizz.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, if I wear this down, do I wear it up from somewhere to here, or do I wear it from here down?

[Jay Oakerson]

Every time you get on the New York City subway system, you will put it on before you get on the stairs. You're going there. You. I'm not asking you to police anywhere else in the city, just your subway rides.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I almost got killed without a beret.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, they didn't see your beret.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you think if he saw the beret, he'd be a.

[Jay Oakerson]

He would have about faced and gotten the fuck out of there. He would have jumped in front of the train before he fought you because he knows you have the patch.

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Advertiser/Announcer]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Prices keep going up. These days, it feels like being on an elevator that only goes up, going up. But not at Metro. We're pushing the down button. Going down, we've lowered prices. Get one line of 5G data for $40, period. That's 20% lower and you get a free Samsung 5G phone when you bring your number only at Metro five year.

[Jacob]

Guarantee on eligible plans Exclusion supplies See website for details. Not available. Fab Metro with T Mobile in the past six months Tax supplies.