Pump Up The Volume

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Pump Up The Volume
Date: September 18, 2025
Host: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In this characteristically raucous episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into their comedic observations on celebrity encounters, audience outbursts, generational divides, and the behind-the-scenes realities of comedy and podcast production. The episode is a classic “Bonfire” blend of insider anecdotes, vulgar wit, and candid discussions about both the absurdities of show business and everyday life. The hosts are joined, as always, by their producer Christine and occasional input from Paco, keeping the conversational energy loose and unpredictable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrity Culture and Comedic Encounters

• Jewish Identity and Dave Smith (01:11–03:07)

  • Jay jokes about Dave Smith and Disturbed’s Dave Draiman, ribbing each other about Jewish identity and religious “practice” with typical irreverence.
  • Playful banter about what it means to be a practicing Jew or Christian.

• Handling Aggressive Audience Members (03:07–04:18)

  • Bobby and Jay riff on the dangers comedians face from unpredictable, sometimes militant, audience members (“It gets scary now, too, because people are... attacking comedians on stage.” – Bobby Kelly, 02:26).
  • Jay sarcastically exaggerates the kind of material that would really enrage a crowd, clearly satirizing offensive triggers.

2. Protest Hecklers and “Free Palestine”

• Onstage Activism and Jay’s Response (04:18–05:16)
  • Bobby praises Jay’s handling of a “Free Palestine” heckler, highlighting how Jay deflects with humor and apathy toward political grandstanding:
    • “She said, ‘She’s Free Palestine.’ I asked her, ‘Okay? Well, what’s the step? What do I do?’....I’ve been aggressively silent through this whole thing.” (Jay Oakerson, 04:51)

3. Generational Grievances, “Pump Up The Volume,” and Satire

• Mocking 90s Teen Tropes (06:09–10:17)
  • Jay impersonates angsty teen monologues from the film “Pump Up The Volume,” mocking their self-importance and adolescent melodrama.
  • Bobby roasts the look and appeal of 90s actresses like Samantha Mathis and Amy Smart, gently debating what constitutes “hot” in Hollywood.

4. Party Stories: The Brownstone, Chloe Sevigny, and Broderick

• Social Hierarchies & Awkwardness at Celebrity Parties (11:44–32:22)

  • Bobby launches a detailed, self-deprecating story about attending a party at Louis CK's old brownstone, mingling awkwardly with Steve Buscemi and Matthew Broderick—but botching a chance encounter with Chloe Sevigny (“She looked at me like, ‘Get the fuck out of my way.’... She looked at me like, back up, fatso. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.” – Bobby Kelly, 31:13).
  • The tale blends embarrassing social misfires with honest envy at celebrities’ gravitas.
  • Side riffs about difficulties maintaining famous connections, with Jay admitting he rarely pursues celebrity friendships.

• The “Queenus” Running Gag

  • Throughout the episode, Jay and Bobby riff on the made-up term “queenus” as a bawdy euphemism, using it for both comedic effect and satirical commentary on gender and language fads. (“And when a trans person has an operation on their queenus...I’ll be in the bibliography. Queenus.” – Jay Oakerson, 39:14)

5. Tech Talk: Cameras, Social Media, and Vanity

• Battles with Video Gear and Social Media Image (12:25–14:23)
  • Self-mocking discussion about how camera angles and editing affect perceived body image (“Paco doesn’t fucking edit the stomach out. Little Japanese.” – Bobby Kelly, 12:36).
  • Friendly hazing of Paco about camera choices, pricing everything in “Nintendo controllers” and seaweed chocolates.

6. “Name Dropping” Ethics in Comedy

• Debating Whether to Use Last Names for Famous People (34:10–35:45)
  • Jay and Bobby discuss whether referencing celebs by first or last names sounds less pretentious or more polite, shaping how stories are told in their circles.

7. Physical Appearance in Comedy/Self-Image

• Roasting Each Other on Looks (38:00–38:28)
  • Bobby insists Jay’s eyes are “probably the prettiest in comedy,” to which Jay responds with humble self-deprecation.

8. Embarrassing Moments & Social Mishaps

• City Bike Gaffe (40:25–42:28)
  • Bobby recounts accidentally shouting “Show dog!” at a complete stranger, thinking it was fellow comedian Sherrod Small, then having to awkwardly explain himself.

9. Dark Comedy & Touchy Subjects

• Child Pornography Allegations – Satirical Hypotheticals (43:40–44:33)
  • The pair dabble in very dark comedic territory, joking about disgraced comic John Reap, legal troubles, and the possibility of suicide in a way characteristic of their uncensored, boundary-pushing style.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Performative Activism:

  • “Nothing. I’ve been aggressively silent through this whole thing. I haven’t said anything about either side—whoever wins, that’s who I was rooting for. Like a chick with football.”
    (Jay Oakerson, 04:51)

• On 90’s Teen Angst:

  • “‘It’s like they don’t even see you. It’s like you’re a ghost in your own house...schools in my mind, man. It’s not out there.’”
    (Jay Oakerson, parodying "Pump Up The Volume", 07:01)

• Jay on the “Queenus” Coinage:

  • “I don’t have Body brain coffee to push. All I have is words into the world that I can say I coined. So the textbooks one day will read...and then I’ll be in the bibliography. Queenus.”
    (Jay Oakerson, 39:14)

• Bobby’s Awkward Star Encounter:

  • “She looked at me like, get the fuck out of my way...she backed me out to the back porch. I bumped into Matthew Broderick, ruined that.”
    (Bobby Kelly, 31:13)

• On Social Media and Vanity:

  • “Paco doesn’t fucking edit the stomach out...he won’t take the time to crop it to where it’s your tits up. He always leaves your fat hamburger belly out.”
    (Bobby Kelly, 12:36)

• Self Image and Deflection:

  • “You’re ridiculously stupid when you say you’re unattractive. You’re dumb because you have probably the prettiest eyes in show business. In comedy.”
    (Bobby Kelly to Jay, 38:00)

• City Bike Mistaken Identity:

  • “There’s a guy coming towards me, I lean in, as he's going by I go, 'Show dog!' It wasn’t him.”
    (Bobby Kelly, 41:34)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:11] – Jay and Bobby riff on Disturbed, Dave Smith, and religion
• [02:26] – Discussing dangers for comedians from hostile fans
• [04:18] – Bobby and Jay on anti-Palestine heckling and how Jay handled it
• [06:09–10:17] – Mocking “Pump Up The Volume,” criticism of 90s actress ‘hotness’
• [11:44–32:22] – Bobby’s Louis CK party story, social anxiety, and Chloe Sevigny confrontation
• [12:36] – Riffing on body image and camera angles
• [31:13] – Bobby’s comedic tale of being “fat-shamed” by Chloe Sevigny
• [34:10] – “Name dropping” etiquette among comics
• [38:00] – Jay and Bobby on each other’s looks and insecurities
• [40:25–42:28] – Bobby’s “Show dog” mistaken identity story on a Citi Bike
• [43:40–44:33] – Satirical speculation about John Reap’s legal fate

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Tone & Style

The conversation is frank, fast-paced, and frequently explicit, combining inside-baseball comedy talk with brash social commentary. Jay and Bobby never shy from crossing lines, but continually undercut themselves with self-deprecation and honesty. Their chemistry is built on decades of friendship and an unwavering commitment to brutal punchlines, especially at each other’s expense.

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Conclusion

This episode showcases “The Bonfire’s” signature: irreverent humor, honest (sometimes painfully so) anecdotes, celebrity war stories, and plenty of in-jokes for comedy aficionados. Whether riffing on celebrity awkwardness, parsing the etiquette of name-dropping or simply skewering their own insecurities, Big Jay and Bobby deliver an episode full of laughs, cringe, and total authenticity.

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For full tour dates and more, visit bigjcomedy.com and robertkellylive.com. Crackle crackle!

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Does he do the. Does he do the ha ha in all his songs? Yeah. Does he do that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he has to. It's contractual.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's funny that you said, this guy hates Dave Smith.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, this is going. Who's going to shoot Dave? Oh, shut by Disturbed. I'm sure it's Israel stuff. This guy's very Jewish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dave Draimen Bergstein.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that his name?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's Draymond, I believe.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's. But Dave's Jewish, right? Or is he? Dave Smith's Jewish. Yeah, I thought. Is he. But he's not a practicing Jew.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

And what does that mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to church on Sunday, believe Jesus is our saved Lord and Savior?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what Jews do.

[Commercial Announcer]

That's practicing Christian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. That's what I do.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what you do either.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you know?

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't go to church ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't know that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went to church Sunday.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, you didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I did.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, you didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I did.

[Jay Oakerson]

Swear on Charlie Kirk's life. That's what I thought.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't know. You're going to bring God into it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I brought Christ right into it. You brought Christ into.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was funny. If Dave gets killed by the lead singer of Disturbed God, that would suck.

[Jay Oakerson]

But, man, what a story. Dave disturbed the guy. He goes, yeah, Dave was not, in fact, down with the sickness.

[Bobby Kelly]

It gets scary now, too, because People are. It was like when people were attacking comedians on stage. Yeah, you get, you get a little nervous now because now it's like there's other crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was one of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you got. But you didn't get attack. Let me, Let me say something. There's. I think there's a difference between.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe there's not getting shot in the neck and yanked.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I know there's a difference between.

[Jay Oakerson]

That we won in the end, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did you do to piss the guy off, huh? Why did he get mad?

[Jay Oakerson]

I told him his sister was a race trading pig slut. No, that's not what I did. That's not what I did, actually.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I'm saying? There's a difference between saying something that really is offensive to somebody to get them and then bringing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think I said blacks go back to Africa and abortion's murder. And then the guy flipped out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, Jay, that is not. You shouldn't say that on stage. Blacks go back to Africa.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I said build that. I said build that wall. AIDS isn't real. Holocaust never happened.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, and women are women.

[Jay Oakerson]

And when women, you know, they're dumb as shit, take their voting rights away. And then I fart in a microphone, which is the punchline, which does kill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, and then you. And then you raise your. What is it called again? You Queen Cootesy.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I go pull out your queenesses. Queeness, Queeness, queen. And I'm like, oh, man, it's really caught on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Queeness, queeness.

[Jay Oakerson]

Paco, tell all your young Asian friends. Then they'll tell other Asians. And before you know it, apparently I'm told a billion people will know it'd.

[Bobby Kelly]

Be funny if you got attacked by a trans person with a queeness. This weekend I'll show you my queenus and just throws you on the floor and rubs your dick in your face.

[Jay Oakerson]

All Calgary trans, make your way out to the laugh shop this Thursday through Saturday where I'll be looking at your queenuses. I'll judge them. You can queen is slap me across the face with them. I'll be looking at all queenuses, but only in lobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was talking to you yesterday because I saw a clip of you when somebody yelled out free, Free Palestine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And your response? Man, I watched it like four times. Your response was so funny. You were like, what?

[Jay Oakerson]

You're the wrong show for me to have opinions.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You went, yeah, I don't. I don't ever. What did you say?

[Jay Oakerson]

I've been. She asked me what I've done. She said she's Free Palestine. I asked her, okay? I was like, well, what's the. What's the step? What do I do?

[Bobby Kelly]

You asked, you asked. You asked what your. How do you get into this? What the next step is?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. What's step one? I go, what moves are you making? And she goes, what moves have you made? Nothing. I've been aggressively silent through this whole thing. I go, I haven't said anything about either side. Whoever wins, that's who I was rooting for. Like a chick with football.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny that you. You shut her the up. And you also made her laugh. She was cracking up at your responses.

[Jay Oakerson]

How couldn't she? Yeah, I'm so like, what, lady? Wrong place.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but it makes me. It makes me. You handle it in such a great way. Just direct humor and sarcasm back at that dumb twat. What have you done? I. She didn't do either.

[Jay Oakerson]

No nothing. She accomplished nothing either. But she is super stoked on Palestine. On Free Palestine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you say I'm Jewish?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that what shot it up?

[Jay Oakerson]

So funny as I was Jewish, you're like, free Palestine. I'm like, yeah, man, sure, yeah. Hey, if that's your thing, if you're able to pull it off, I guess. Does it. That doesn't affect, like, where I'm at, does it? That's not gonna, like, make me not be able to play NBA 2K26. I think I'm gonna have a pretty good year this year. Palestine. So much crazy shit, man. What's going on with the world today? I'm back to pumping up the volume. You know, people are shooting people and political pundits out there, and you just gotta get out there and tell your parents, we're not gonna take this shit anymore. I don't want to be you.

[Bobby Kelly]

That sounded good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Talk. Oh, that's right. It's time again. You guys are out there getting sick of your stupid parents. What are they just out there working super hard to make sure you can afford, like, radio equipment, Pirate radio equipment. It's like they don't even see you. It's like you're a fucking ghost in your own house. He was bitching about Teenage Problems is the funniest of that movie. And then you go to school and it's like, you don't have the coolest genes. And then it's just like, man, society, right? What the fuck? And your parents don't get it. They're just like, eat your vitamins and say your prayers. But we don't want to say prayers. We want to write songs, man. And wear flannel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was his parent Hulk Hogan?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

Even as a kid, I thought that movie was so stupid.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're wrong, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was the dumbest movie. And that chick was so mediocre. Good looking.

[Jay Oakerson]

Stop.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I hated it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was it Samantha Morton? Was that hers in the movie?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, she was annoying.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want to say it was her because she became thumb of a lady.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just leaning into the microphone.

[Guest or Producer]

I was ahead of the curve. Saying Kelly McGillis. I did not understand why if Tom Cruise was fawning all over her, she.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was the only chick at a military base. You was there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He had to her get blown by Slider.

[Bobby Kelly]

You never got head at gank fest.

[Jay Oakerson]

From somebody also by a guy named Slider?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Samantha Matis, since she was hot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she was cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me see her look for back then.

[Guest or Producer]

She was cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me see.

[Jay Oakerson]

She was cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me see. Now she's like 60. Swim this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ew. Christine's doing it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she's not cute.

[Jay Oakerson]

She was very cute, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now. Ugh, guys, now she looks like she runs a cupcake company.

[Jay Oakerson]

River, she did have a.

[Guest or Producer]

She was a five head there when.

[Bobby Kelly]

He had huge head.

[Jay Oakerson]

When River OD'd, she was there in River Phoenix. OD'd.

[Guest or Producer]

That's who he was dating.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Good for her. Immediately single.

[Bobby Kelly]

She fell off. You know, she reminds me of the girl in Crank Cranked. Remember that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Amy Smart.

[Bobby Kelly]

She fell off too, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she fell off. But saw her in a green room not long ago. She looks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Doesn't she look exactly like her?

[Jay Oakerson]

A little bit, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, right. That type of girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

A little bit. My first immediate observation. She should take more kissy face pictures than the girl who got stabbed on the bus. But that's just observational. That's not an emotional thing at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe I take that back.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's the. The. It's that series of girls who were like. They tried to convince you they were pretty hot. Amy Smart. What's another wide? Oh, there you go. Chloe Savanny. She's always looked like a goddamn puppet face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, dude. She was at Louie's house at a party.

[Jay Oakerson]

Chloe Savanny.

[Bobby Kelly]

She bitched me out real bad. I mean bad. She bitched me out.

[Jay Oakerson]

She has pussy hair. You know that. It's pretty dope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she does. She has great head too.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't know that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw it.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, you didn't, brown bunny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bring it up.

[Jay Oakerson]

That wasn't good. What you think she gave a good blowjob there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nervous. Looks forced.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but she was. It was a real blowjob that the director made her suck his dick. That's uncomfortable.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, the director was her guy. The guy she was blowing and her boyfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, but you're still blowing people. There's a. There's still a fucking key grip. Watching chewing gum. You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that. Yeah, that makes it hot. Christine, we've seen this a thousand times. Stop trying. You're never gonna learn how to blow a guy. Christine. Doesn't matter how much you watch this scene over and over and over again.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he actually blows his load, which is nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Big sticky gap.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, that's crazy. And he's. Yeah, he's covering his stomach and ev.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, he's covering with her head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but his hand too. He's holding it, Making it. Sure. It stays. I mean, that's nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Good for her, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a movie. That's a. That's a movie. You could go to the theater.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? Dude, it didn't slow down her Hulu starring film career.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now we were at Louis House and he used to throw these parties and he'd invite a bunch of comics like Norton, Ari, whatever. Nick Depaulo.

[Jay Oakerson]

Turn on my music again. Lou the Leonard Cohen, everybody. All the Hollywood elites are hanging out. What are you guys talking about? Pedophilia. Epstein Island. It's like, come on, man, things are bigger than that, man. There's things going on out there in the world. Children are dying, starvation. Your parents just coming down asking you to do your homework all the time, and you don't want to do your homework? Man, I want to hang out, man. I want to get experiences. Schools in my mind, man. And it's not out there.

[Guest or Producer]

Stupid movie.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should. You should definitely go in your basement and do that one night on your live. Just dim the lights.

[Jay Oakerson]

And guys, I don't even know, just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get a little thing, a hair to go down your front.

[Jay Oakerson]

And just a piece of hair coming.

[Bobby Kelly]

Down and just get a.

[Jay Oakerson]

A.

[Bobby Kelly]

A road. A road caster. And just get that voice.

[Jay Oakerson]

We gotta make the myths, man. We got. We are. We are the stories, man. You gotta become the stories. Don't just tell the stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

I guarantee it goes viral.

[Jay Oakerson]

And next thing you know, you know, your parents are like, you're folding the fitted sheets wrong. You're just stuffing them back in the closet. It's like, man, I don't care about how you fold sheets. You think I'm gonna be a sheet folder my whole life? Man, who knows what I'm gonna be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay gets shot. Jay gets shot out front. Some. Some dad who. Their son followed this loser down a black hole.

[Jay Oakerson]

My 12 year old son thinks you're awesome. Oh, nice. Thanks. Tell him I said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

We were at his house. It was Steve Buscemi, all US comics, Nick DePaolo, producers. You could tell, like, like, you know, older gay producer type guys are there. Everybody's in the business. And I was outside talking to Steve Buscemi and Matthew Broderick was there and. And I went to walk in the kitchen and. What are you doing standing? Why are you standing?

[Jay Oakerson]

I feel like we're fat sitting down. No, you don't, though. But you don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I do.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you. No, you did this. I'm gonna say something right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Around.

[Bobby Kelly]

A couple months ago, we were doing videos and I. I was watching the videos and you started standing up and I was. I was always saying, wow, Jay looks great. And then I would look over at me and my stomach was all bunched up because Paco doesn't fucking edit the stomach out. Little Japanese.

[Jay Oakerson]

Take the time.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he won't take the time to crop it to where it's your tits up. He always leaves your fat hamburger belly out.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have some thoughts?

[Bobby Kelly]

I defend myself. Yeah, but don't bow. Bring the mic up to yourself like an American. It.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's because. Talk American. He said, yeah. It's because when I crop in too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Much now talk Japanese. It's because when I crop in too much, I talk like Bobby Lee. It's because when I crop in too.

[Jay Oakerson]

Much now talk like every Asian comedian's mother.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh. It's because when I crop in too much.

[Jay Oakerson]

Paco, everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Paco, you cropped in too much. The camera isn't good enough. And it actually makes it pixelated as a noise. Yeah, yeah. So it looks like a Japanese camera. Yeah, we'll get better cameras.

[Jay Oakerson]

You told me to get these particular.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll get new ones.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've got so many of these cameras. Because you were like, this is the future.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it. And you know what? And it was the future. But the future's coming fast, my friend.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm having a relationship with my fucking phone. I don't know if you know this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, I forgot. You don't know about technology anymore. These are brand new.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two years old. We've had it for two years. Stop saying brand new. It's not. It's two years. They have new ones coming out. We should get the New ones. Listen.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why? They're not very good, but those ones are the future.

[Bobby Kelly]

This guy Paco, what camera would be better for you to be able to crop in so I don't have to look like a fucking hamburger and Jay doesn't have to stand up?

[Jay Oakerson]

Sony A7s. I'm standing.

[Bobby Kelly]

The ones that he has are. How much is Sony A sevens? He's made a decent amount. How much? I'd say like six PlayStation fives. Why do you talk in Japanese kid terms?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because that's all he understands. How many Nintendo controllers is it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say it's about 317.

[Jay Oakerson]

How many seaweed wrapped chocolates?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that one's 1064. How many ramen bowls? Oh, that one's going to be like 10,450.

[Jay Oakerson]

How many haddock flavored KitKats?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, those are rare, so 26. How many samurai swords? Who made them? That's the question. Oh, that's three and a half. It's house Wall. House is his name. That's the character symbols, right? Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

Imagine how convenient it would be if we could use these 10,000 $4K camera.

[Bobby Kelly]

We could stick him in a room upstairs.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean there's, there's four in the room.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's four in the room and he could go upstairs and because of his background he would learn everything in minutes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he'd integrate into the system probably. He'd become the machine. I think we should wet willy these things every day. Just put more spit on them. They're useless. No one's gonna know.

[Guest or Producer]

Control room bay is right by my office.

[Jay Oakerson]

Break in. Yeah, Paco, break in there right now, real quick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have a ninja outfit on you? I'll watch a video and figure it out.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is a ninja Alpha, dude. It's just a hood away from being a ninja outfit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you ever see that hoodie that you pull the hood down? That's a ninja.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but I love that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. Perfect. I don't remember ninjas having so much hair showing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't remember ninjas having such small.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's a surf ninja. Well, yeah, surf ninjas must die.

[Bobby Kelly]

You actually look Muslim when you do that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoa. No, no, no, that was legit. That was the actual language.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, so I'm at the party, I'm talking to Matthew Broderick, Steve Buscemi. I mean, you ever have a conversation with a famous person and it's just going swimmingly? Well, you're like, this is awesome.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not ever the way you say you do, but what I find interesting is these relationships never go anywhere. You've got. You've had so many relationships, by the way, I believe at this one party at Louis CK's house, you've met every celebrity I think I've ever brought up, and you had a good conversation with all of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then have never had one more interaction with them ever again.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm still stuck with Voss and you. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that. It's God. I would have to say it's God in another past life. Me learning lessons in this life.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just don't have. I don't have. I can't. I. I don't have the ability to go forward. I don't have the ability to cater to somebody's ego after that. You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure. And I'm also. I'm also bad in the initial. You're good at the initial meet. You're good to hang at the party. I'm bad at that. Although I tried at the stand the other day, when I got off stage, they were like, seth Green's here in the green room with somebody. And I hauled in there because I really wanted to catch him because we went to the same, like, school like that, kindergarten through 12th. Seth Green went to that school and went look at a prison we looked at yesterday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was in that school till 10th grade.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's weird to see him as a man. Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't see him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you didn't even.

[Jay Oakerson]

He wasn't. And then when I got in there, they were. He was gone already. I was like, I kind of wanted to see. That's one of the few celebrities I'd be like, I want to bump in there. I did the same exact thing years ago at Montreal. I saw him, but I was like seven years in the comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was in. He was in. What's the movie he was in? Dr. Evil.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austin Powers.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you know. Do you know that Quinn was supposed to have that part?

[Jay Oakerson]

He's Scott Evil. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could they called Quinn. He goes, I got a par for you. He's. I'm not interested.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like, no, I really. This is going to be. This could be big. He's like, I'm writing my own movie right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Celtic Pride.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm writing my own. No movie never got made. I'm writing my own movie right now. And I. I don't have time for this, man. He's like, colin, please. He actually called him back and said, I really want you to just. Could you just read it? He's like, I said, no, you're Scott Evil. He would have been a millionaire. From just residuals on that, what do you make four of them? Four, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Three at least.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. So I'm outside talking to Matthew Broder. I mean, I'm having a great conversation, making them laugh. Like they're in. You know when you're talking to somebody famous and they, they, you could see they're listening to you.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. And nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

And everything's coming. And I, I mean, it was just awesome. So I ended the conversation. I'm like, hey, I'm gonna go to drink and we want a thing. They're like, no, we're good, man. Thanks. And I'm gonna go in and get a drink because I, I, I, you know, there's a point where you should stop talking. And I never know that. That's my problem is a lot of times I'll just keep going until I ruin it.

[Jay Oakerson]

See, I'm better at just not starting at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm, I'm better.

[Jay Oakerson]

I avoid them almost when there's celebrity room. I try to, like, not be around them at all. I'm like, uncomfortable. If I'm going to be like. And if I see somebody waving over, he goes, you gotta be Jay. Come here. I'll be like, fuck.

[Guest or Producer]

Bobby's a very.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I walk over like this. Hey. Like I've been brought over by a principal. Hey. And they make me meet and I shake hands like this. Okay, nice to meet you. All right, Bob. Can I go now? Can I go back to drawing?

[Guest or Producer]

We're all impressed with how. Well, Bobby's such a good talker. Anyone. You got Chris Evans number?

[Bobby Kelly]

You chatted him, but. I know, but I ruined it.

[Guest or Producer]

But just a girl that, that super hot server at the, in Vegas at the. The pool party.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

You're the only one that was having a lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, bros. Yeah. Oh, it was Jacob. These are chatting her up. Everyone knows stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told Don about it. Are you out of your mind? Yeah, I told her I still got it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

As soon as I got home, I go, I still got it. She said, what are you talking about? I go, the pool chick, smoking hot. 21. Everybody on her. And I was. She was all into me. I totally could have got her. She's like, you shoulda. She goes, you want meatballs on the, on the side or do you want it on the pasta?

[Jay Oakerson]

And I'll be honest with you. That was a more important question to you than rubbing it more in. Her face.

[Bobby Kelly]

100%. Yeah. Meatballs. Have you done meatballs?

[Jay Oakerson]

Right here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don the meatballs. You're unbelievable.

[Jay Oakerson]

I haven't. I did my. I did my mom's meatballs last night.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish you would bring them in. I don't know why you mention it if you're not going to bring it. I'd eat those cold.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they're so good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just bring them Monday. Today's show is sponsored by Better Help. Hey, who do you go to in order to solve your life's problems? Group chat over sharing with a bunch of strangers like a weirdo. There's a difference between that and actually talking with a therapist. That's where BetterHelp comes in. With clinically trained and licensed therapists, they've been around for over a decade. They. They've helped millions. And out of 1.7 million client reviews, they've got a 4.9 rating. That's pretty good. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And if you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. It's fully online and you can pause your subscription whenever you need to. With over 30,000 therapists, better help is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people. With a 4.9 rating as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with better help. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bonfire that's better. H E L P.com Bonfire everybody. Have you noticed that everywhere you go it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. We wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down well at Metro? They've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered and you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, Visit metro by t-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply details at metro by t-mobile.com Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing, websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o-o.com odoo.com ever pick.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Guest or Producer]

I just rewatched the Barry Manilow interview and how masterful that was.

[Bobby Kelly]

A great one.

[Jay Oakerson]

He tried to leave six times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. Nope.

[Jay Oakerson]

You wouldn't let him out the door.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I would not.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love you. You had another fucking Manila ism to get him right back in the room. Barry, a lot of people say that you also got before you were gay. Come on, baby. Who says stuff like that?

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm. I'm now Louie's. He had a brownstone. A whole brownstone. It's over. Right by the Comedy Cellar.

[Jay Oakerson]

Give his address.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's 147.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he doesn't live there. He sold it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, when is he most vulnerable? Like, is he a heavy sleeper?

[Bobby Kelly]

Usually in the morning because he stays up late.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's tourist good. And we's out there on the road. No one's watching the place.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one's watching.

[Jay Oakerson]

And his favorite four numbers are what?

[Bobby Kelly]

4, 4, 7, 7.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, of course it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he had the whole brownstone. Beautiful. I mean, the place was the place you dream of getting in your brain someday when you have a brownstone in the city. It's the apartment that, you know, they have in the movies. You know the guy Huxtables.

[Jay Oakerson]

Always. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He has, like, a regular job delivering flowers. But he has a brownstone.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was the Huxtable house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right. The steps in the front.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a row home, but you have the entire house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

So inside that house, but had a backyard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible things are happening downstairs in the basement.

[Jay Oakerson]

In the basement, women are being taken advantage of through a series of.

[Bobby Kelly]

But there's a.

[Jay Oakerson]

Various Spanish. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But there was a. A soundproof door with a small window. You couldn't hear it. You could just see a hand get up in front of the hole once in a while. So you could ignore it if you want. Okay. And there was a hole in the bottom where he threw ham in. I don't know what that was.

[Jay Oakerson]

She was crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he had a backyard, which is unheard of in Manhattan to have a backyard. Right. And he had this party. We're all in the backyard. Everybody's hanging. It is amazing. I just talked to Steve Buscemi, who I love Matthew Broderick, who is, you know. Oh, my God. And I love him. No, I loved him. He was great.

[Jay Oakerson]

But you love Buscemi, but you didn't feel the same about Broderick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love both of them, but more. No, both of them.

[Jay Oakerson]

You told us twice that you love Buscemi.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then said. And Matthew Broderick was there, which is there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. No, I did love Buscemi a little more. I didn't. I did. You're right. You're right.

[Jay Oakerson]

You Did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

This may have been just personal chat between me and you. You told me, Broderick. A little bit of a queeness.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, I told you that in private. I didn't know. You're bringing it up in the air.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's just the fact that I want to let the world know that you are. You have taken the word now and started adapting it. And now it is getting out there in the world. Hashtag queenus. Well, I mean, Jay coined it.

[Bobby Kelly]

His wife is paying the bills.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Anyways, guys, a real queen is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not anymore. That. Shows canceled, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No more movies. Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. Finally. Stop. They had. They had the. They had just so few funny girl comics. They had to just make an actor play a girl comic in it and do terrible girl comic jokes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So look at Christine's face.

[Jay Oakerson]

She says the show's terrible.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's.

[Commercial Announcer]

I'm really sad they canceled it, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't believe they did that. It's infuriating, that show. It's like. It's so.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's getting better.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's never getting better. It's awful. It's infuriating.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're getting older and grosser.

[Bobby Kelly]

Grosser. And how do they get all this money?

[Commercial Announcer]

Her husband died.

[Jay Oakerson]

None of them can have sex anymore unless they take a pill that's been hawked by Sally Field to make sure that her hips are okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. They have to use coconut oil in their vages just to get it in.

[Jay Oakerson]

They drink Ensure martinis. Christine, please. I'm nailing a couple of these andore martinis. Thank you. Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do something with Marx. Do that yogurt. That picture.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Me. Relax out there, everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I literally call this convers. I don't know if you've ever ended a conversation. You like, hey, man, you know. All right, cool. You guys want something? And they were like, nah. And it just ended perfectly. I just had a conversation with two. Oh, my God. Guys that I've always wanted to talk to. And I. And his. We're in the backyard on this deck, and it goes right into the kitchen and then goes to a hallway into the dining room, living room. So I walk in, and it's a narrow space. So you walk in. It's a very narrow space. There's a table in there, and then the sink. And so I walk in, and I look up, and there is Chloe Sorvino, who I love, too. Right? Is that her name? No. What's her name?

[Guest or Producer]

Sevign.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is it?

[Guest or Producer]

Seven.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chloe Sevenier.

[Guest or Producer]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, the Chick from Brown Bunny. What's her name again? I thought it was Serino. No.

[Guest or Producer]

Were you talking to Mira Serino?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it Chloe? All right, I, I, I hate you right now, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you have.

[Jay Oakerson]

If I correct you.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, but you could correct me.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna leave there.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, look at your face. Look, you got on film. We got it on film. I got you a twat face. And you're condescending eyebrows that ever so slightly go up. Well, they're right there when you're fucking right. And you got somebody under the fucking barrel.

[Jay Oakerson]

Little thing I'm right about little chubby.

[Bobby Kelly]

J eating on the floor. You piece of. It's not my.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look at me.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not my fault he left. Look at me. It's not my fault, Okay? I didn't have a dad too.

[Jay Oakerson]

You, you didn't help him come back though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chloe?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

How's that?

[Jay Oakerson]

So she, no, but her last name, she know we're talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's coming. We get stuck in a traffic jam. So she's there, I'm there, and I look up at her and I'm, I'm like, I just had the great conversation with two people you might know. I. Hey. I went, hey. And she looked at me like, she looked at me like, like, get the fuck out of my way. And I looked at her and I was like, oh, you want me to go? Like, I was further along down the path where she should have. She, she could have took one step back and out of the way. I would have to take five steps back to go out of the way. And let me tell you something, this bitch is powerful. She looked at me like, back up, fatso. And fatso, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if you know, she got raped in kids, so, like, she's been training since that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, dude. I backed up. She backed me out to the back porch. I bumped into fucking Matthew, which I had to say, oh, I'm sorry. So I ruined that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Matthew.

[Bobby Kelly]

Matthew Broderick. I bumped into Matthew. And because I backed up into him, I backed out all the way to the porch, bumped into him, almost spilled his drink. So whatever I built with him was gone. Because I'm a, I'm just an asshole. Bumps into him now, I know you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Asked him, he goes, you guys want anything? I hope Steve Buscemi was like, just bring me like a mishmash of the hors d'. Oeuvres.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then she literally doesn't even say thank you. She walks, stays there until I'm backed up all the way. And then she waits. Slum. The path is clear. And then, like, struts through out to the back, right by me. Matthew. Matthew. And then Steve. And then they just have this amazing conversation. Now that I'm out of.

[Guest or Producer]

She stole your business.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stole my fucking soul is what she did. And here's the only part that saved me, is that Nick Depaulo got into a political debate with the two gay producer guys and got kicked out of the party. Kick him out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thank God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love Depaulo. Is the funniest.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thank God for that. Depaulo.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's the funniest guy ever. He really is.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's funny. I feel like this is just. This isn't a. An attack in any way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Real quick, should I eat something just to keep this going?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Chewy Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chewy Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Chewy Rob. Chewy Rob. Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you know what? Let me see. Let's just see.

[Jay Oakerson]

Chewing. Rob.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's his name? Ed. Let's get. Let's get Ed riled up.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was all hopped up.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was all hopped up.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I do keep looking at those sun chips.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't stop looking at the Sun Chips.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want some. We only got 15 minutes left of the show, and you can have Sun Chips all you want. Am I right?

[Bobby Kelly]

You'll have Sun Chips, too, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll have some Sun Chips.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you gonna say? What are you saying? You were doing something. Come on, dude. I got you, buddy. Come on. Look at my finger. Follow my finger. Look right here. Stay right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's all. Just.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I'm coming.

[Jay Oakerson]

Chloe.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going slow, cuz you're high.

[Jay Oakerson]

We had. Chloe, Savannah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chloe, Savannah. What do you think?

[Jay Oakerson]

You stay high for?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. How long do you stay high?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I don't smoke, like, anything in the studio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I think it's great. I hope you don't take offense to me saying you're high. I'm just.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm just currently not high.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, dude, relax. You get defensive about your high. I mean, you get high.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Hour one. Yeah, but, dude, maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but then you take off to the bathroom and you come back itching your arm. What's that?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. You asked me if I can go out during the breaks because you have to send encrypted messages back and forth to John Reap.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't send them anymore, by the way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, not now, because his phone's confiscated. But don't worry, the paper trail will come back to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

How funny would it be if I really was involved in it?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna be like, dude, I was actually kidding when I said that if.

[Bobby Kelly]

They bring you into court. So. So you knew about this?

[Jay Oakerson]

I was thinking more just as a general discussion.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you are telling a story name dropping at all, which we all do at some point does it make. It's always gonna make you look better to use full names than I'm reading like a Josh Adam Myers to like individual names. Well I said I bump into Steve and you're like Steve. And he goes yeah, from the beginning of the story. Steven Tyler. You know, it's like that also is with. I feel like you have to always say the full name.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. If I was talking to somebody not in the business, I wouldn't have said.

[Jay Oakerson]

Matthew, you're talking to. I can only assume tens of people all over the airwaves that don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ever since Dan left. Listen, there's tens of people and one of them hates chewing on the air.

[Jay Oakerson]

And one of them is about his wit's end with your chewing bullshit.

[Bobby Kelly]

On everything. Every show everybody says something. You keep going.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was worked up. That was great.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was beautiful. It made me feel good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn, he was hyped.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I. I think you're right. You should probably you. If they're famous people use their first and last.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cuz you're. You're going to eat no matter what. Someone's going to go. Your name drop. You hate to do it. So you're going to go. You're name dropping. But better to just drop because then it seems less formal even to you because you're still going like, like I said with Steven Tyler, you go, you go. So now I go back over he goes, I bump into Steven Tyler again.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the reason why I didn't use Chloe, I said Chloe the second time because I didn't want to see your condescending eyebrows go up.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? You have her name. You know it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chloe.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Serviana. Serviano. Cervini. Serviacho. Chloe. Savannah Savanni. Savoni. Siovani. Siobhan.

[Jay Oakerson]

You get. You're, you're like. You're like. You're right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chloe Servia.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would say Savanny. Savanny, but it's seven. Jacob says it more pompous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it does sound.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Go ahead, put your pinky up and you say it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. Take a sip of this water. Hold your pinky up.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go on seven.

[Guest or Producer]

Yay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Sounds like a dumb wine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Seven. Yay. I don't think it's Sevenier. I think it's Chloe Savanni.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sounds like a guy who writes her letters on her birthday and wonders why she never writes back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Savonier. That's seven. Yay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me count the ways.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's when Jacob comes. That's the thing he says, right when he's done, he goes, seven. Yay. Yeah. And then he flicks his come on the wall.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's his seventh load. He says if he can shoot seven loads a day, he won't get prostate cancer. Seven. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you pronounce your name?

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine Sevigne. He's right, huh?

[Commercial Announcer]

Sevigne.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that it? Chloe Sevignier? Yeah. Who am I thinking of?

[Jay Oakerson]

The girl who.

[Bobby Kelly]

Servino. Romeo.

[Commercial Announcer]

Michelle's high school reunion.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was actually Mira Sorvino.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, man, we gotta really adjust this room for my dumbness.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, now the whole room's confused because now we don't know if you were talking to Mira Sorvino or Chloe Sevignier.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was not Maria Sorvino. Hey, man, I want you to adjust.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not me or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Chloe. Chloe Savonier.

[Jay Oakerson]

Close enough.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. I had a chip.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Chloe Savign. Yeah. It was her. It was her and I love her. I think she's. I think she's hot. You think she's not? I think she's. That's my type.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's pulled off sexy in many, many things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sorry.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's pulled off sexy. She is not classically attractive.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's unconventionally attractive.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I. She's the type of girl I would meet if I saw her in a party back in the day. I would try to get that type of.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm unattractive, so I would absolutely hook up with Chloe Sevigne.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're ridiculously stupid when you say you're unattractive. You're dumb because you have probably the prettiest eyes in show business. In comedy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't say it in front of Paco.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say it right now in front of Paco. He's got dead shark eyes. Y. Okay. You have gorgeous eyes. You have beautiful hair.

[Guest or Producer]

Hair like Samson.

[Bobby Kelly]

Samson. You have this person. What is that? I mean, nothing.

[Jay Oakerson]

A queen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that. A queen is.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it is by definition a queen is. What is this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why am I filling up right now? No, it's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not Chloe Savigne. That's a black woman fucking herself in the building.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sherrod's sister. Are you. What happened the other day? I'm going down. What is this movie?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's. What is this? I guess she plays a Tran and she.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is this movie that I'm gonna watch later and jerk off to while I watch the woman she's blowing. I'm gonna have to splice the two movies together where she's sucking a dick and then she takes her penis out.

[Jay Oakerson]

She said she had a pretty good body for a pretty long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's her. No, she has a nose. A Pinocchio. Pinocchio. Pinocchio nose.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a nose cough.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa.

[Jay Oakerson]

Queenus.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's punching her.

[Jay Oakerson]

Her what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Her queen is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I apologize.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't have Body brain coffee to push. All I have is words into the world that I can say I coined. So the textbooks one day will read. And when a trans person has an operation on their queenus. And then it'll have a little thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I'll be in the bibliography. Right cited. Queenus.

[Bobby Kelly]

When do we stop promoting that, by the way?

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, the body brain coffee.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love her bush.

[Guest or Producer]

She does have a nice bod.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, nice bod. Good bush. And I said she pulls off cute for sure. But like in the movie Kids, she was particularly. I found her almost like. Kind of like blah looking. And then that beaver shot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then she, of course, gets date raped, which isn't cool.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has a very European vibe.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think we could all agree in the room. Date rape isn't cool.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, except for Reap Loved it.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he liked torture pornography from the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chats I had with him. Oh, yeah, for my encrypted chats.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the Reapinator. Yeah. That's what you called him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You guys called him John Creep. The Reapinator called him John Creepy. You are so funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I was driving.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, color pictures of a beaver. I love that. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was doing a city bike the other day. And you know what city bike is, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Riding the city bikes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You rent the bikes.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? Yeah. What?

[Bobby Kelly]

I was. I rented one of the Citi bikes. I used the city bikes to get.

[Jay Oakerson]

The city the dawn kick out.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, because sometimes it's too close to get an Uber or a cab or it's too far to walk. So you just jump on a city bike on the app, bing bang, and you're there in two seconds.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but you.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

Fuck. What is it? I Mean, the main problem with that is. I hope I'm pronouncing this right. You look like a jerk off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm pretty sure that's not one word. That's a sentence.

[Jay Oakerson]

With your Louis Vuitton. With your Louis Vuitton satchel flying behind you on a rented bicycle in the front, baby, you look like a lunatic.

[Bobby Kelly]

I look amazing.

[Jay Oakerson]

You look crazy. Do you. Do you put your thing on the stand up? You get up on it, have your ass in the air? Yes, yes, of course I do. Do you do this when you haul? Do you do where the bike goes side to side really fast?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's American style, European style. Slow, constant strides.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought that means sitting on your side like a lady rides a horse. I thought you were sitting side saddle.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, dude, I'm coming down this house. This is one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me.

[Jay Oakerson]

We want a city bike.

[Bobby Kelly]

That and I'm coming. And there's a guy coming on a bike in the bike lane towards me. It's Sherrod Small on a bike. So he's coming towards me. I see him. He doesn't see me. I lean in as close as you could get. As he's going by me, I go, show dog. It wasn't him.

[Jay Oakerson]

That story made me uncomfortable when I thought it was still Sherrod.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought I just went, show dog. And it wasn't him. I scared the guy, of course. Thank God he wasn't like. Because I was scared because he stopped his bike.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I had to stop my bike. And I look back, like I was gonna be. Yo, dude, I'm so. I'm sorry. I thought you were my friend. But he just went. He went, gee. And I was like, I'm fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm leaving. He's a black guy on a city bike.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm not. I up. I made a mistake. He went, geez. And I was like, okay, I gotta.

[Jay Oakerson]

If he was the kind of black guy you're worried about, he would have took your city bike. You'll run your city bike.

[Bobby Kelly]

He would have gone on somebody else's bike.

[Jay Oakerson]

You'll run that city bike, son.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was so embarrassed because it. It scared, like, it was so loud. But if it was Sherrod, it would have scared him a little bit. But he was like, yo, what's up? It would have been funny, but. Because it wasn't him. But it looked just like.

[Jay Oakerson]

It looks like you're bothering people.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should have been. You should have been talked to. This isn't a real talking.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was talked to in my head for the last two days. You're a idiot. You're stupid. Eat something.

[Jay Oakerson]

Stupid, stupid idiot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do something. Smoke something. Buy another bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

When we come back next week. What do you think? You think John Reef will be found guilty or is he just. He's out of jail, he kills himself. $260,000 bail, no kids. Does he kill himself?

[Bobby Kelly]

Doesn't have kids because he would have them. True.

[Jay Oakerson]

But in house is nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

He actually controlled himself a little bit. You should get credit for that. Hey, I don't have kids because I think I might them. So I'm just not gonna have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's a good call.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we're gonna find out allegedly too. Because we don't know everything.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but do you think. Yeah, before we come back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's a chance he kills himself?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

What would you do if I got.

[Bobby Kelly]

Caught with child pornography?

[Jay Oakerson]

When you get caught with child pornography.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn it, Jason. You know what? We gotta get the hell out of here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby win.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big joke. This is going to be at the Laugh Shop in Calgary this weekend 11 through the 13th. Then he's going to the Pittsburgh Improv September 18th to the 20th, Toronto on the 21st. Two shows. First one is completely sold out. So get that second show tickets right now. That's gonna sell out to Portland, Columbus for tickets and all the tour dates. BigJ comedy.com and YouTube.com @big j okerson where he has his two specials and he has his new live show that's taken off. I mean what this guy's. Everything you do is taken off. I don't stop, you don't stop.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can't stop, won't stop. Robert Kelly's gonna be at the Port Comedy club in Baltimore September 12th and 13th. He's gonna let you guys know what time it is down there. Stop listening to your parents bullshit. Come to comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, October 10th and 11th. Cuz fuck that man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on, let me take a sip.

[Jay Oakerson]

The system's gonna tell you how they think it should be. And Bobby's gonna tell you how it is after that. Tampa, Florida. Emmaus, Pennsylvania and New Orleans. Get the wisdom. Buckle up at Punchup Live Robert Kelly. And check out Bobby's YouTube channel. YouTube.com Robert Kelly Comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yeah, we'll see you guys Monday.

[Jay Oakerson]

Enjoy the pre record.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have a great weekend. Don't shoot me money.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't kill anybody. Crackle crackle.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't mean to interrupt your meal but I saw you from across a cafe. And you're the Geico Gecko, right? In the flesh. Oh my goodness. This is huge. To finally meet you. I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service. Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction. Anyway, that's all. Enjoy the rest of your food. No worries. So are you just going to watch me eat? Oh, sorry. Just a little starstruck. I'll be on my way. If you're going to stick around, just pull up a chair. You're the best.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get more than just savings. Get more with Geico.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Good different.

[Commercial Announcer]

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