Pumps & A Bump

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: "Pumps & A Bump"

Release Date: June 6, 2025

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1. Introduction

In the "Pumps & A Bump" episode of The Bonfire, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into a nostalgic and humorous discussion centered around MC Hammer's iconic career moves, wrestling personas, UFC fights, and personal anecdotes. This episode blends sharp wit with candid conversations, offering listeners an engaging exploration of pop culture and entertainment.

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2. MC Hammer's "Pumps & A Bump" and Career Trajectory

The episode kicks off with a deep dive into MC Hammer's infamous song "Pumps & A Bump." Robert Kelly expresses his disdain for the track, stating, "Ninja Rap rules ironically, except the actual song, Ninja Rap, which sucks" (01:08). This sets the tone for a broader discussion on how Hammer's pivot to creating music for children's movies impacted his career.

Transition from Success to Niche Projects Robert highlights how crafting a hip-hop song for a children's film might have altered Hammer's financial landscape irreversibly, potentially sacrificing the longevity he once enjoyed. "Having to make a hip hop song for a child's movie is probably what changes your life financially forever and ruins you with all of the fans that would have kept you having longevity." (01:29)

Generational Impact and Fanbase Despite Robert's critique, Unnamed Speaker 1 defends Hammer's move by emphasizing the song's appeal to a younger generation: "He grabbed an entire generation with Ninja Rat." (01:40). The hosts discuss the challenges Hammer faced in maintaining his fanbase amidst shifting musical landscapes.

Personal Anecdotes and Influence Robert shares a personal story about emulating Hammer's style in his early comedy acts: "I actually dressed exactly like the Pumps and the Bumps video in my early comedy on stage." (06:45). This anecdote underscores Hammer's influence on comedians and entertainers of subsequent generations.

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3. Wrestling and UFC Commentary

Shifting gears, the hosts delve into the world of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, critiquing the personas and performances of various athletes.

Wrestling Personas and Image Robert critiques the drab transformation of wrestlers attempting to adopt "thuggy" personas, specifically mentioning Hulk Hogan's transition to "Hollywood Hogan": "Until he went Hollywood Hogan and wore pants. He looked stupid." (02:54). This commentary reflects on how image shifts can affect an athlete's public perception.

UFC Fight Analysis: Forrest Griffin vs. Anderson Silva A significant portion of the discussion centers around the UFC fight between Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva. Robert shares his observations from attending the first UFC event in Philadelphia, narrating Silva's dominating performance: "Anderson Silva just beat him up like a child. It was... toyied with him like he pawed him until he beat him through almost frustration." (13:02).

Audience Dynamics and Racial Undertones The hosts analyze the crowd's reaction, suggesting underlying racial tensions influencing the audience's support: "It's just rocky town, dude. They want to see a white guy beat up a black guy." (13:37). This insight adds a layer of socio-cultural critique to the sporting event analysis.

Post-Fight Behavior and Respect in Sports Robert criticizes Forrest Griffin's post-fight actions, emphasizing sportsmanship: "Just throw it to the audience. Dude. That would... Philadelphia would burn down." (15:17). The conversation underscores the importance of respect and professionalism in competitive sports.

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4. Thoughts on Wrestling Figures and Personas

Continuing with wrestling, the discussion touches upon various personalities and their impact on the industry.

John Cena's Musical Attempts Robert questions John Cena's endeavors into rap music, highlighting the disconnect between his wrestling persona and musical pursuits: "What am I gonna do? Not bring them, Dude." (10:03). The hosts ponder whether Cena's raps cross racial or cultural lines, leading to potential backlash.

Booker T and Hairy Wrestling Personas The conversation shifts to Booker T's wrestling style and its reception: "If Booker T. Messes with me, he better be prepared to pull the trigger." (12:27). This reflects the hosts' critical stance on certain wrestling theatrics and character portrayals.

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5. Bowling: The Decline of Pinsetters and Professional Awards

The hosts transition to discussing the world of professional bowling, focusing on technological advancements and their implications.

Decline of Human Pinsetters Robert laments the replacement of human pinsetters with automated systems: "It's gonna be a no. Really going, though. I'm looking up, going during the July 4th week." (30:04). This segment critiques the loss of traditional roles in favor of automation, impacting both the sport and its human workforce.

Professional Bowling Earnings and Recognition A humorous yet poignant conversation ensues about the financial rewards in professional bowling. Unnamed Speaker 1 points out the modest earnings: "In 2022, Jason Belmonte led the PBA in earnings with $302,525." (31:30). This highlights the disparity between effort and financial compensation in niche sports.

Popular Figures: Pete Weber's Emotional Victory The episode highlights Pete Weber's emotional reaction during a critical frame in a tournament: "He's like, I just won $27,000." (33:47). This anecdote underscores the intense emotional stakes athletes invest in their performances.

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6. Humor and Personal Anecdotes

Interwoven throughout the episode are personal stories and humorous takes that add depth to the hosts' dynamic.

Robert's Comedy Inspirations and On-Stage Experiences Robert shares his journey in comedy, influenced by Stefan Hammer, and his experiences mimicking Hammer's style for laughs: "I think momentarily after this, he had to sell this place." (06:50).

Stepfather's Underwear Story A standout humorous segment involves Robert recounting how he borrowed his stepfather's distinctive underwear for a comedy bit: "He owns underwear that on the side have only strap is pretty hilarious." (06:45). This story showcases the hosts' ability to find humor in everyday life.

Wrestling Industry Critiques and Personal Preferences Robert expresses strong opinions on wrestling attire and personas: "There's no situation where I would feel cool wearing an outfit like that if you were this in shape." (05:15). This candid critique is delivered with characteristic bluntness, a hallmark of The Bonfire.

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7. Lighthearted Banter and Host Interactions

The chemistry between Big Jay and Robert is evident through their playful exchanges and jabs.

Sunglasses Commentary A recurring joke involves the hosts debating the aesthetics and practicality of wearing sunglasses behind the head: "How can you hit a 7? Was that a 710 split? It's impossible if it's on a string right above it." (31:15).

Discussion on "Nateland" Amusement Park Concept The duo engages in a humorous speculation about a rumored amusement park project named "Nateland," blending fictional elements with playful confusion: "Let me see her. She better be hot." (38:08). This segment highlights their improvisational humor and ability to riff on absurd topics.

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8. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with promotional segments for upcoming shows and tours, ensuring listeners stay connected with the hosts' future endeavors. While these segments are informative, they are typically brief and serve as a bridge to future content.

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Notable Quotes

• Robert Kelly on Ninja Rap Critique:
  "Ninja Rap rules ironically, except the actual song, Ninja Rap, which sucks." (01:08)

• Unnamed Speaker 1 on Hammer's Generational Impact:
  "He grabbed an entire generation with Ninja Rat." (01:40)

• Robert Kelly on UFC Audience Dynamics:
  "It's just rocky town, dude. They want to see a white guy beat up a black guy." (13:37)

• Unnamed Speaker 1 on Professional Bowling Earnings:
  "In 2022, Jason Belmonte led the PBA in earnings with $302,525." (31:30)

• Robert Kelly's Humorous Take on Underwear:
  "He owns underwear that on the side have only strap is pretty hilarious." (06:45)

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Final Thoughts

"Pumps & A Bump" exemplifies The Bonfire's signature blend of humor, candid discussions, and cultural critiques. Through engaging conversations about MC Hammer, wrestling, UFC, and personal stories, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly offer listeners a multifaceted and entertaining experience. Whether reminiscing about past pop culture moments or dissecting the nuances of modern sports, this episode delivers both laughs and thoughtful commentary.

Transcript

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[Big J]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Okerson]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Ninja Rap rules ironically, except the actual song, Ninja Rap, which sucks.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Is that the Ninja Turtles song by Vanilla Ice?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Robert Van Winkle. I don't know where you fall on.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That's my favorite rap song.

[Robert Kelly]

Ninja Rap.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That's where me and you differ.

[Robert Kelly]

Ninja Ninja Rap.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, I knew all the words, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Having to make a hip hop song for a child's movie is probably what changes your life financially forever and ruins you with all of the fans that would have kept you having longevity.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, but you need to be making new fans is the biggest thing. He grabbed an entire generation with Ninja Rat.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, no, he grabbed the entire generation with Vanilla with a Ice, Ice Ice.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, no, I'm saying the next one where it's like, you know, the Ice Ice Baby guys are going to get old. Sure, these kids are, what, probably at least 10 years younger.

[Robert Kelly]

But to laugh at him exclusively, not me.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I think this is cool. We're watching this with two completely different sets of eyes, buddy.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

This wasn't the same time as Ice Ice Baby.

[Robert Kelly]

It wasn't far after.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

It was. It was. Yeah, he was already big.

[Robert Kelly]

I think that Al is after that album was huge rap.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I bet you there was a day in the studio where they were like, okay, where's the next hit? He's like, all right, here's some stuff I've been working on, and it was just not it.

[Robert Kelly]

He goes, I don't know. Stupid thing called Ninja Rap.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

New line cinemas on the phone. We need a big Ending. There's no ending to the movie. We got to put something there.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, even when they have to do MC Hammer as they go, they do what they want to do, say what they want to say. The Abs family. And it's like MC Hammer was never necessarily going to be cool, but he could have had some, like, longevity. More than he had, except, I mean, he was a nostalgia act ten years into fame.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

The follow up is probably harder than you think, man.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I remember we came back with the. Was it Funky Headhunter, the one he did with Def Jam.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

MC Hammer came back and did one. Not Def Jam. He did one album with Death Row or MC Hammer. They were trying to rebrand him. You don't remember this, where they made him, like, thuggy, but it was too. The mistake was, I think, within the same album, they tried to make him thuggy, like, you know, holding fucking machetes and wearing, like, a vest and a beanie hat. And then I don't know. I don't know if the time. Yeah, this is. This is the one where he came on. Bring up. It's all good. Christine, bring up the video. You see how he showed how this.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Is like the press start screen on a Dreamcast game?

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You know, and I like that.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Also has Pumps in the Bump.

[Robert Kelly]

No, exactly. So that's what I was gonna say. Then he made a song called Pumps in a Bump, and instead of making a thug video, he made a video of himself at a party in his house. No, no, that would be better. He went hard with his video. And Pumps in the Bump is him having a party at his house. It's a. A pool party. And he is in the entire video. Has a raging bone with. And wearing bikini, like, you know, French cut, male bathing suit. Go to.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, I'd like to see.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's. Is that cool? It's not Pumps in a Bump. It's a different song. What the.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

This has Homegirls in it. I love Homegirls. Everyone's shaking it.

[Robert Kelly]

Did they change it? What the. Was the song?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Was it Pumps, Pumps in the Bump?

[Robert Kelly]

I think it was Pumps in a Bump is the first. Is the first part of the video at the pool party. See that, please.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Well, no, here it is. It's just. I looked up Pool Party and it looks like there's two videos.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Whoa. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, this is it. I mean, for no reason.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

This is very Wesley Snipes coded.

[Robert Kelly]

And by the way, I think momentarily after this, he had to sell this place.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, how could you. Same problem.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I Had with professional wrestling at the time.

[Okerson]

Whoa, whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the same.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

This is just on mtv. That's why I wasn't allowed to watch mtv.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

This fucking rocks.

[Robert Kelly]

It's such a big penis.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I tell you.

[Robert Kelly]

God bless him. Because there's. And it's. Listen, it's whatever your personal style and your personal internal feelings are. But I will say there's no situation where I would feel cool wearing an outfit like that if you were this in shape. Do you know what I mean?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I disagree.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, trying to be cool is. What's so strange is the point of.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Having abs and defined pecks.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Look how small all their butts are compared to.

[Robert Kelly]

Now the girls.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, yeah. These girls are fit.

[Robert Kelly]

But MC Hammer, huh? He's got that dangler.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Whoa, man. This is a commercial for his boner.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, essentially.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

And I think that's awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

However, this failed.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I also do like that MC Hammer, that was one of those guys behind the scenes. They say that he was actually like, one of the thuggiest dudes of all of them. Like, it wasn't him. He was kind of like the. All right, well, I'm just gonna side shuffle. Dance out of the room now. Yo. And then he sends two guys in the beat the out of you. When those guys go back to those stories, it's always MC Hammer was actually not to be with because he had such a crew.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So funny.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

There's somebody's grandma that was like. I was in the Pumps and the Bumps video.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, damn. Let me see. Oh, yeah. Most of fingerless gloves. Most of those girls in the back are. Now I see how you feel cool in fingerless gloves. I'm not judging. That's anything about fingerless gloves, Tim. I'm talking about boots. I'm talking about boots and having your dinger out.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Boots and a zebra. Didn't you wear a zebra Speedo?

[Robert Kelly]

I actually dressed exactly like the Pumps and the Bumps video in my early comedy on stage. But it was part at the end of. It was a joke. The pumps, I thought were cool. The Bumps is what I did for the laugh.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Do you think you were inspired by this video without knowing it?

[Robert Kelly]

I was inspired by underwear my actual stepfather owned.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Big MC Hammer fan.

[Robert Kelly]

He was a huge. Just a Pump and the Bumps. He actually didn't like his. He liked his dancer stuff.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Once you stole the underwear, did you keep it stolen or did.

[Robert Kelly]

You're using the word stole implying I did some kind of a weird, nefarious action of getting my stepfather's underwear.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Once you.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Once you took Your stepfather's underwear. Did you like wash it and give it back to him and he would use it in between or you just stole it from him once?

[Robert Kelly]

They were. Listen. No, no, I told. I think I told him what I was doing. They saw the bit happen before they came to see me live.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Just asking about the underwear ownership.

[Robert Kelly]

No. So they came. If I believe correctly in. Do you remember you ever see when you get like the giant plastic candy cane that's got like chocolate in it like inside and it's like the way it comes off that tube?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Hershey Kiss candy cane.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. There was a tube that had three pairs of different patterned. Very, very. I mean just strap on the side dick cover a little. An ass cheek cover. Underwear that my stepfather had. And one of them in that package was zebra print. And I was like, can I take those for a joke?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Well, they sell those in packs. That's crazy. That seems like, you know, I want.

[Robert Kelly]

To say Jockey brand on a hanger.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

At the store type thing.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to say it was Jockey brand. But to wear the fact my stepfather owned underwear that on the side have only strap is pretty hilarious.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What was it? What was the. Describe the sensation of the first time you pulled them up and you felt that upper like outer area of your thighs exposed. Power.

[Robert Kelly]

As a younger man, I'll tell you. It felt free. Yeah. For sure. Now I would think about is my inner thighs and my gun that need liposuction.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

But back then it was like wow. I get why primitive warriors dressed like this.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolutely. No, it's the same. I don't understand.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That's a thong. Come on. That guy's butt cheeks are out. That's not funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, don't be gay.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Can we get the same thing but with it covering the butt cheeks, please?

[Robert Kelly]

Bumps in a bump.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Okay, There we go.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

On the side.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I couldn't imagine. But again it's like being. It's why I never understood the problem I had with wrestling. Always my favorite wrestlers were never always going to be the guy. Like later as got on, the guys could talk really good on Mike. It didn't really matter what they wore. But why? Why ever would the Rock choose to come fight in like underwear? And Steve, they fight in underwear and they all do faces and it's just the wor.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

Hulk Hogan but they're the most.

[Robert Kelly]

Until he went Hollywood Hogan and wore pants. He looked stupid.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You hated him.

[Robert Kelly]

I never hated him because he was Hulk Hogan. That was my time for sure Macho man. When I was younger but when macho man finally went to like the fucking.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Pants down the side.

[Robert Kelly]

Still better. The person who made most sense to me, but it was way after my time of wrestling was John Cena. I'm like, George, here we go. Now we're talking. Dude, you gonna come in a white rap.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That's fighting clothes.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know how that doesn't haunt him in his life. More his early on character in wrestling with the raps he would do weren't some kind of racist.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm not familiar with the lyrical content of Bring Up John Cena's best raps.

[Robert Kelly]

Best raps.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

This was okay, I'll find it. I had this.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

But he might be. He might have taken wigurdom as far as you could take it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh. To be honest, so much.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Who's going further? Who's wrong Wicker than Cena.

[Robert Kelly]

But he rocketed right out of wiggerdom into like just Hollywood guy. So yes, it is amazing what he said.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Oh my God, dude.

[Big J]

The old man's got a plan. He's chilling in the building. Did I tell you I'm like light beer? I taste great and I'm less feeling. You hate me cause I'm white. That's reverse discrimination. I hate you for two words. Illegal immigration. Here comes the pain. God built me strong, forget to give me brain. You want to see a thug? Turn around and take a look. You're just another dude who came up short from Red Hook. So now the dude who likes to suck it. Tori's a cover up, bro. We know you take it in the bucket. I'm gonna hang it. I'll whack you more times than a masturbation tournament.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, what he's doing is racist.

[Big J]

Please pick me. I'll change him back to the Hulk so quick. You think his name was Bill Bixby? You got no hydraulics in your car. You got a sexual sickness. His car bounces up and down because he sits on this stick.

[Lowe's Advertiser]

Word life.

[Robert Kelly]

It's always homophobic. Rev, that's great.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I had him all wrong. I guess he started cheesing out before I paid any attention to him. So.

[Big J]

The others being a perfect partner in a three legged race.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

He's talking to a guy's one leg.

[Big J]

I'm way better than dead man. You just another sucker. You think he's beating John Cena? Use a stupid mother.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

If Booker T. Messes with me, he better be prepared to pull the trigger.

[Robert Kelly]

Just throw it to the audience. Dude. That would. That would. Philadelphia would burn down. And by the way, when he goes smoking. Yeah. As he's leaning too, he goes. And that's why Booker T. Is a mother. No, we get to. We get to. We went to that ufc, the first UFC ever in Philly. Me, Dave and Lewis. And they came. How much they cheered for Forest Griffin when he was going against Anderson Silva.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, they went nightmare. And then Anderson Silva just, I mean, beat him up like a child. It was.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Toyed with him.

[Robert Kelly]

Toyed with him like he pawed him until he beat him through almost frustration.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

The uncles were on life support. Man.

[Robert Kelly]

Bring up Anderson Silva beating. It's a turnover punch that looks like it barely does anything and drops him. And the refs just stops it.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

When he finally goes down, he's just flailing wild.

[Robert Kelly]

And he runs out of the ring. Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva just sitting there and they go. And they're sitting. And everyone was rooting hard for Forrest Griffin. Cause it's just. It's just rocky town, dude. They want to see a white guy beat up a black guy.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Probably the whitest guy ever in.

[Robert Kelly]

In their lives. They've rarely stood up to a black guy ever. And they've certainly don't think they can just beat up any black guy in the world. So you want to see this guy do it for all the black guys who have scared you and, and, and when he leaves. But Anderson Silva is so good that when they styled his name, they announced his name, the place. Boo. They all booed him. And then he, like. Because, you know, they had him on camera. He looks at the other camera just kind of like, really? And then the crowd was like, yeah. You can't just watch one of the greatest fighters of all time. You can't just let him go out on booze.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. I mean, you gotta put on a good show.

[Robert Kelly]

It was childish the way, I mean, it looks like he's fighting. Someone doesn't know how to fight.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. This is fucked up, man.

[Robert Kelly]

He was so good.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Devastating.

[Robert Kelly]

Devastating to his leg broke in half for the. I mean, is this the end of it? Yeah. You see what you hear? You'll hear the audience. That's crazy.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. Like I said, man, a lot of uncles being extra nice to their co workers don't get along with as well as they should in the aftermath of.

[Robert Kelly]

And this was such a puss move. Remember Forrest, he just leaves the ring.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What would you do, man? You got his pants pulled down and his penis flicked in the middle of the octagon.

[Robert Kelly]

Your job is to do your post game fight interview.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

People want to hear, what was it like? You just fought the best fighter of all time. That's crazy. Swinging wildly like that. Please, God. One of these hit his face.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

If he was wearing sneakers, the way he went down, it would have flown off right there. And that sucks, man.

[Robert Kelly]

So embarrassing.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

A lot of us have seen family members lose a fight on the bus exactly like that.

[Robert Kelly]

No shit.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So forgive us for our immediate reaction.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's our trespasses. I want to know what all so these things are. I know. It's our last show of the week. This week, tonight, our last show with Tim. What up, Tim? I bet you think of some funny ideas for this Trump administration. Is this even real news? Is it real that Trump administration is considering a reality show where immigrants compete for citizenship? Because now I like this idea. This idea does not sound bad to me at all. And I'll be honest with you, I don't think people would have a problem with doing it.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Give it a shot. Yeah. I mean, it's a long line they're gonna say, but it's a long line. To get to American Idol, you have to give Mr.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Beast a cabinet position. As long as they come here the right way. By beating a thousand other immigrants in a game where you stand in line until your fucking bladder gets out.

[Robert Kelly]

It should always be a thing. Thousand contestants whittling down to one person gets it. Who's our immigrant this year?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I have a thousand Somalians living in a DMV until only one is left.

[Robert Kelly]

Just one. And then you let one in. Not your family. Nobody with you. Just you. Just you get to come by yourself.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

The other 999 of you are going to a Guatemalan prison as soon as this is over.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh. Homeland Security says the agency is happy to review out of the box. They're considering taking part in a television show that would have immigrants go through a series of challenges to get American citizenship. They said on Friday the challenges will be based on various American traditions and custom flag folding stuff like that. Back alley rape, cheating on your daxes.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

They haven't connected to, like, a heart rate monitor. And they show them, like, fighter jet flyovers. He didn't think it rocked enough. We're sorry, Miguel. It's gonna be a no.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He goes, I noticed you. You peeped that eagle fly and didn't cry. That's gonna be a problem for me. Conjure up a deer, my man. Conjure up a deer.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Estan con no con me, homie.

[Robert Kelly]

The pitch generally was a celebration of being an American. And what a Privilege it is to be able to be a citizen of the United States. Game show. I mean, it's such a great idea. If we're going for this level of insanity, just go for it.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm sure Ryan SeaCrest has like six weeks open. He could host it for us.

[Robert Kelly]

Brian Dunkelmann's fucking available from season one of American Idol. Dunkelman's still out there. I think he's driving Uber now. That's fucking fantastic. Ice Barbie, Kristi Gnome.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I want. I want specific events.

[Robert Kelly]

Where's Ice Barbie?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

They call her Ice Barbie. So she's in a cabinet position.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see her. She better be hot. Christy Gnome. So little I know about politics.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Oh, she's the one that killed her dog.

[Robert Kelly]

Is she? Look it up. Oh, it does look like the one who killed her dog.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's see. She's a pig. Hey. Damn.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

How did she kill the dog? Do you know?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

She shot it because it wasn't like behaving right nice.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Hey, I told you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I told you.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Hey, what did I say?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

She is the one that killed her dog.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

She was reaching for a newspaper and grabbed a gun.

[Robert Kelly]

And she's the big deporter person. Yeah, that'd be funny because you're deporting. Everybody goes, I could just put them down if you'd like. No, no, no, no, no. Learn how to behave. She is hot. She's hot for a politician. She can get it.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

And then there's.

[Robert Kelly]

I got a dog.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

How bad was the dog being, though?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

I read it was like a. It was supposed to be like a working dog and it wasn't training properly.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what all was? So just put it down. We love animals. Tough decisions like this have to happen all the time. On a farm it is. Listen, listen. I did my right after high school. Girlfriend was a fucking branch dog ranch chick. And it's in a different relationship with animals out there. Things like that. They love them more, but they're also like. They treat them very. It's like. It's very like matter of fact, you know, I mean, like, sorry, kids, got a good dog, broke its leg, got to kill a dog or putting horses down and shit like that. It's just very like kind of come and go.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So it's being a Roman general.

[Robert Kelly]

And if she was uglier, fatter, I would not give her all these excuses. I'm giving.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

The dog attacked their chickens. So it was like eating all the chickens and then it whipped around to bite her. So it wasn't, you know, it was doing Bad farm stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well listen, at 14 months old, which is what it says a dog was, it was time. 14 months, man. Learn it or don't you idiot.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

That's got to be set. Seven years old already, everybody. Have you noticed that everywhere you go it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down? Well, at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. And you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, Visit metro by t-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available. If currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days, Guaranty covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on an eligible plan. Exclusions apply. Details at metro by t-mobile.com Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software. So you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o odoo.com this.

[Okerson]

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[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You know, we love dogs, but we're on the farm. This is work. We got to take this seriously.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Sorry, kids. Hey, look, have any of the kids not killed a dog yet?

[Robert Kelly]

Come out here. My mom. My mom was over my house on Sunday, and just her going around and telling the story of her agricultural high school to everybody was making me laugh so hard. My mom went to. It's somewhere outside of Philadelphia. Saul, probably Saul. Yep, it's exactly Saul. My mom went there and I guess to get her out to horse. Yeah, she went to horse school. But like, her talking about it, she's like, yeah, I know a little bit about this. 50 years ago, you went to a fucking school that taught you things for a couple years. You do not have any of this.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Did they have to put down animals?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Chickens, for sure. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Oh, you're like, prepping them, though. They're not teaching you to deal with, like, a dog that's not cooperating, I guess.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. I don't think so. But what a funny thing. My mom took me to that school to go, like, look at it. When I. Before high school. And I was like, I'd rather go to my gated, fucking windowed. I'm the minority fucking West Philly school than bus out to this weird fucking field. Send me back to George Washington Garver Hall Grain. What a dumb fucking school.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

She would have been so out of place there.

[Robert Kelly]

Look up Saul High School in Philadelphia. I would have been awful there. When I went to a school in Ohio which wasn't even like that. And that was.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Jason, would you please put the fingertips back on your work gloves?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't feel cool like this. Can you see I'm trying to feel cool? WB Saul, man. My mom, she was going over to Sodor and. And Katie and being like, yeah, it was pretty crazy. One day, all the cows got out. Every time I'd wander by, she'd be telling another story about agricultural high school. It was great. Get back over there. What's going on? Rabbits. I think I may have run a rabbit over the other day. I don't want to believe I did. I tried not to. I didn't see it in the rear view, but I also didn't check the treads in my tires. At W.B. saul High School, our mission is to promote student leadership. That makes a Difference in our world through diverse and hands on opportunities rooted in an urban setting. Saul. Students apply their knowledge and skills to address modern, environmental and agricultural challenges to enhance postsecondary career and success. All students drive the future by learning to do, doing to learn, and learning to serve. God damn.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Like farming high school.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, by the way, look at the brochure now. Featuring black people. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I mean, it beats the hell out of, you know, a parent bringing a gun to the other high school that you should be going to, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

There's not a farm within 100 miles, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know how this place existed. I still don't. You know where it was at, like directionally from Philly that my mom would be able to go there every day.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Like Bridget towards Conshohocken.

[Robert Kelly]

I think so it's not that far out. It just happens to be.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

It was on my commute. I drove past it every single day.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. And I would go horses.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

It would be one bright spot. 30 great seconds on a 50 minute commute that made me suicidal every day.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think it changed my mom's world at all. She does nothing with animals or agriculture. She got out of high school and immediately just fucked my dad at a bowling alley and got pregnant. Some bowling alley, dude.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That is a career path on the farm, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

My dad was a pin setter.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Like what, did you guys meet in the 50s?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What the hell, they were born in the wrong decade.

[Robert Kelly]

A pinsetter. There was machinery by the time you met dad. That's fucking great.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I always assumed pinsetter was a job for a guy, like escaping an old identity or something. You know, running from something.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And by the way, is the job just living in a little crawl space, it seems like, and everything constantly set up pins.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. Begging teenagers to stop running on the lane, basically until you fucking get your ass beat. Probably quarterly. You catch a beating from teenagers that you need a couple days to recover from.

[Robert Kelly]

It's fucking. I'll tell you what, pin setting and ball return are pretty high tech in the world of like. That was figured out in bowling pretty early on.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. Now it's. They're definitely dead because now they have the wires. They put wires on every pin. So now there's no humans involved whatsoever still. Yeah. The machine, it's too expensive to maintain the machinery for a pin setter. And it's like the industry is dying and so now they're all on strings and everyone's pissed.

[Robert Kelly]

It must Suck.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Everyone hates it. And it's even the pros I think are doing it now too.

[Robert Kelly]

I know it changes the game.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, no shit. It stinks so bad. But it's like would you know otherwise? Bowling is over.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's bowling that you would do like on a farm with strings attached to your pin that you make some kind of a pulley system so you can pull and they all stand back up.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

There's a lever drilled into a tree next to you with like a clothesline coming from it. You just yank it as hard as you can. No, it's over, man.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

Sorry.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Bowling.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, no, no, it's. This is. This is the future. This is where they're going.

[Robert Kelly]

And it's a system uses strings to pick up and reset the pins. And they are becoming more common. They're focused on entertainment bowling rather than serious competition. Yo, fuck that. I mean, if I go to bowl, I'm going to win.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What is the top bowling win?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to win. I mean, I'm going there with the intent that I'd like to win whoever I'm playing.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Here's the thing. What does the top boulder in the world. I'm going to guess it's Jordan Belmonte. What does he.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that real?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm going to guess.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I mean the name possibly. Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, I'm not sure about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

But Belmonte might be the best. The number one bowler. I want to know how much money he makes in a given year.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Last time I went bowling, they had strings and I didn't realize it. I thought that the strings were knocking over pins that I wasn't even close to hitting.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. That's what I mean. They're like hanging in a weird. Like they're going to. Yeah. How can you hit a 7? Was that a 710 split? It's impossible if it's on a string right above it.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

They might wiggle around more though.

[Robert Kelly]

And.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

But there's no, there's no accomplishment in that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

It's bumpers, basically. In professional bowling, 10 pin bowling players like Jason Belmonte. Sorry. And Walter Ray Williams Jr. Have accumulated significant earnings. No dollar amount on that though.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, so there was a real guy named Belmonte?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, Jason Belmonte.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought that was the joke.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

He bowls like a wigger. He does two hands to spin it extra hard and it's like he does it at the highest level.

[Robert Kelly]

I do one hand but I put mega spin on it because I go, no thumbs.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Same, same. And it actually hurts my thumb. When I try to do it, I don't know how to bowl, but this guy's doing it. Two hands. But what's his money look like? In 2022, Jason Belmonte led the PBA in earnings with $302,525.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That's your. That's the top guy in America.

[Robert Kelly]

And he makes as much as, like, a doctor who's doing all right.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, a doctor who should start his own practice. But, like, you know, the. He's already bogged down.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's essentially the same thing of you thing. I take at it. I'll tell you what, though. You got a wet lane. That thing's hitting gutter every time.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Well, they studied the oil patterns, obviously, but, geez, dude, you know, can we.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Watch Pete Weber freak out when he won? I watched this on Sam Roberts. It's his favorite clip of.

[Robert Kelly]

He won the pba.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

I don't know. Some jack named Pete Weber.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Are you not familiar with Pete Weber? You don't know Pete? This is incredible. This is one of the best videos on the Internet. This is extremely widely known.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

The US to open the short 122nd.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, yeah. So the quick backstory on this, there's a. There's a kid in the crowd who he thinks has been reacting to. I think he was too loud or something like that, and he was taking it as an antagonistic thing from this kid. This is the.

[Robert Kelly]

I think he's angry at a kid in the audience.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So we're 10th frame, and it's a tight. I think he needs this to win. This is like, strike or lose.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's a spare. Spare.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Clean up or lose. Go ahead.

[Robert Kelly]

Strike to claim it. A strike to claim it. And he goes, did it.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That is why I did it at number five.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you kidding me? That's right.

[Okerson]

Who do you think you are?

[Robert Kelly]

I am. I think I did see this, actually.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

It's like Jacob was Joey Logano, except.

[Robert Kelly]

He did it and didn't watch a guy do it. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Poor J. Weber, man. Bad boy bowling.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, I was stoked. He's like, I just won $27,000.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

And he screamed at a child. Who do you think you are? I am. That's the goat.

[Robert Kelly]

And what did the kid say?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Probably just fucking pissed his pants, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a child.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

A grandfather just screamed at him wearing the most athletic sunglasses of all time.

[Robert Kelly]

Those sunglasses were great. Oh, man. Is it weird that I judge any person who has their sunglasses behind their head?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What do you. How do you judge them.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I'm just like, I'm not gonna get along with this guy. Great.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I think those guys are cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Like how the sunglasses look.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No surprise to anybody. Those are the coolest guys in the world.

[Robert Kelly]

And you know what? I'm not talking about functionally in a moment where that makes sense. I'm talking about they live there for a long time with it. Like, I'm gonna go into a concert, right? And I'm wearing sunglasses on the way in. And my choice for the rest of the concert is to wear them behind my head. No go, no go.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, those guys stink. But, you know, what's your position for sunglasses at rest? I go right in the front of the shirt now. I think that's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Gotta tell you what my dream is. My dream look is that I'm thin enough and not pasty enough to wear a V neck T shirt, have the sunglasses hitting the V neck, the deep V, but not there. And now I do put it up here, but because I'm fat and like my neck so my shirts tight, it's like right here. Getting nicked by the hinge is all.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, I knew I liked it. There's Guy. There's the mayor of flavor.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Flavortown definitely rocks him backwards for a while. He's like, well, I'm inside now. What am I gonna do? Not bring them, Dude. You.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You and Fieri, I think, are soulmates.

[Robert Kelly]

A lot of people say.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I was going to say the light in the dark. You guys are the yin and the yang.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's very possible. We've. I. We went to his thing with Bert when I went to the Super Bowl. We were Guy Fieri's hang, and he did not seem to take much of an interest in me whatsoever, really.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I mean, I could see why you guys are.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't even get a chance to tell him that. Everyone says that. Everyone calls me Guy Fieri as, like, you know, an insult.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Oh, I'm not insulting you. I'm just saying you guys would easily fit as the angel and devil on some fat guy's shoulders.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'm telling you also, there's a lot of people who get most of their life's ideas by listening to me and Guy Fieri. A combination of both.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

They've got everything covered. You almost don't need anything else. I went to fat school. You mostly just listened to bonfire and watched guys grocery games.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Oh, I just realized you're moving to Austin. That's going to take you Right out of the ochre sphere. Shit. I was having an ochre sphere. You're going to go for the Rogan Sphere?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, not on my own thing, man. Come on. What the hell? Don't put that on me. I don't wear the Reddit against me.

[Robert Kelly]

I dwell exclusively in spheres. I don't know if you hear all these things going on on YouTube, but I exist exclusively in sphere and I cannot seem to crack the Rogan sphere. Whenever they talk about Rogan Sphere, I'm never even peripherally mentioned. Good. So I'm star at the ochre sphere here. Oh, there's also the gas digisphere.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I want to get satellite Ochre sphere.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolutely. You know, Tim, there's a butter. There's a butter sphere out there for sure. 100%. Everyone's got their own sphere. I don't. I'm not trying to put my thumb on anyone's neck whatsoever. I'm saying. But the ochre sphere is trying to branch it out.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah, dude, count me in.

[Robert Kelly]

I'd like it to help people the way when they say Rogan Sphere helps people.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You think you haven't helped me tremendously?

[Robert Kelly]

Welcome to the Ochre sphere.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

There's a Nateland sphere for sure. We talked about that. We didn't even tap into the Nateland sphere.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the Nate sphere. Oh, the Nate sphere has no cursing or nudity though. I don't want to be a Nate's fucking G rated sphere, dude. No, it's totally great.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Park your dome right next to his.

[Robert Kelly]

Yo, I better have just something on my keychain that it gives me after hours access to Nateland when that fucking thing is up and running. And I'm gonna see, I'm gonna convince Nate because Nate's enough of a rube that I could possibly convince him. Lara is gonna stop him, though. I can convince him to put that black lady statue in the middle of Nateland. Like Walt Disney. Just a big black lady in the middle of Nateland.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Oh, my God. Is there going to be a bronze statue of Nate?

[Robert Kelly]

Like one could only hope. I could only hope.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So wait, is Nate. Wait, is there a real place? Nateland?

[Robert Kelly]

Not yet.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Okay, I'm sorry. I fell behind on something.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you didn't come.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Is it coming?

[Robert Kelly]

You haven't heard this? That Nate's going to open up a amusement park?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Are you fucking with me?

[Robert Kelly]

On my life. He says it in Esquire. I didn't know it was a public thing that we could talk about openly until it was in a magazine. I was like, oh, we can talk about it. So also, when he said in a magazine and before he said in a magazine, I was just kind of like, this is an idea. It's going to go away.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm so. So you're definitely not fucking with me. It's real. Nate Land's real.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, let's hope it happens. But yes, the idea of it is very real. I'm not making a joke that Nate's going to open amusement park and fucking with you.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Okay, thank you. All right. I needed. I really needed that, man. I was lost.

[Robert Kelly]

But it does say in the thing.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Well, I mean, does he announce any rides?

[Robert Kelly]

Can I tell you something? The more this idea has been out there, and I would tell this to Nate, I went from laughing at the idea to now being like, open an amusement park. He's got the money to do if this. If it fails, he'll be fine.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm just picturing the righteous gemstones compound.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Now it's gonna be super naty, which I'm excited about.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

How do you. What. How does that translate to amusement park?

[Robert Kelly]

This is the all audiobook library. I don't know. He doesn't like music at all.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Okay. Musicless amusement park.

[Robert Kelly]

So just musicless. No music playing in the street. Because I don't want all that crazy music.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

None of that. What about dancing?

[Robert Kelly]

It's not a small world.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

How are you gonna do dancing without singing?

[Robert Kelly]

Acapella dancing, man.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Silent dancing. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Feet scuffing on the floor.

[Robert Kelly]

Nate Borgazi. Disney's run by a guy that's just a businessman. That guy doesn't care about the audience. Ooh, fucking shots. Fire Disney shots. Fire Walt Disney, you fucking Nazi fuck.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Your reign is over.

[Robert Kelly]

Your reign is over. There's a new mouse in town. Nate Pargazi. Oh, it's so great. He wants to be a new kind of Walt Disney figure for the everyman now. He goes, oh, I like that. Hey, hillbilly, you could have amusement park one day.

[Lowe's Advertiser]

You just believe.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

But also, do you know how much it costs to go to Disney now?

[Robert Kelly]

Hundreds.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Thousands. To go to take your family to Disney for, like a day. You're spending $2,000 probably for one day.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not. That's not including flights or anything you're saying.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I'm saying get to the park. Yeah, you get to the park. You're spending 1500, $2000 for one day.

[Robert Kelly]

Really going, though. I'm looking up, going during the July 4th week. He just told you. It's thousands of thousands of dollars. I believe him. That's what I'm seeing. That's why he married white. Smart dude.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

Smart, bro.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

The secrets.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry, sorry.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So, Nateland, I. As long as it's just cheaper than Disney, it's already a hit.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, good luck getting a.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Fucking Lilo and Stitch ride, though. That's the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no licensing, dude. It's not gonna. No, not at all, dude. It's gonna be the John Crist Devil Drop. It's all clean. The Kathleen Madigan's Wild Ride. It's a Nick Thune World.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Big J Mountain.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, absolutely. But that's adults only.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, you can't run that one. They don't run that one anymore. They just. They deemed it racist.

[Robert Kelly]

That ride got canceled, man. I don't know what happened. I don't know what the fuck happened. Damn. I can't wait. Are you looking for prices, Christine?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

To go to Disney, to go to Disneyland. It's 2:50 for the day. To go to both parks, California Adventure and Disneyland. The Disney World has like six parks, right? And they all cost.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, it's a mind blow to me that Universal Studios and Disney aren't related in any way whatsoever.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I mean, maybe to you, but to me, they're the same exact thing.

[Robert Kelly]

I think they should be the same exact thing. I thought when you go to one, you're going to both. It's not. You have to go.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Companies.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. They hate each other. And then it's in the worst place ever. Orlando. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

You know, it's gotta be the worst, though. And I think I did this. I think I went to Orlando and we only went to Universal. So we were striking distance to Disney and didn't do Disney.

[Robert Kelly]

I could see that. I don't know what I'd want to do. I don't know what I would want to do at Disney at all. You'd have to be going with children.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I was a child.

[Robert Kelly]

You were a child?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Yeah. I was taken to Florida by my parents and we went to Universal Studios. And I was just like, there's no way that this doesn't end in a surprise. We're going to Disney. Even for a day type thing.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Why would they say.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

And I was on the flight home.

[Robert Kelly]

You flew down four Universal Studios.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What the fuck was that?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. How old were you?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Probably like middle school.

[Robert Kelly]

I was afraid of weather. That was one of my stories on Story wars recently. And my dad, against his will, I'm pretty sure, took me and his step kids and his wife, his second wife, to Disney. And I was so afraid of, like, weather, bad weather. It freaked me the fuck out. Like rain and shit. Not even rain, some. Just cloudy skies and stuff.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

That had to be so funny.

[Robert Kelly]

And it was. It's Florida, so it's raining non stop and on and off. And I would just keep freaking out until I think after only an hour or so, we left, got back on a monorail. And everyone was mad at me, but I was like, we're gonna be safe. Guys, guys, great news. We're all gonna live. Fucking strange it was.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I would have been so pissed.

[Robert Kelly]

If you were one of my teenage stepbrothers, you would have been really pissed.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, if I was your parents, there's no way I'm. I'm acquiescing to those kind of complaints. It's just like, hey, man, you better toughen it. Look, your mother and I worked really hard to get you here.

[Robert Kelly]

You better toughen the fuck if it makes you feel any better. After that, he didn't reach out to me almost until any birthday until I was 41 years old. So I think he got me back for it. He did take my. He took my jacket off layaway once, though. That was a big thing. Eleven bucks. London Fog got me through a winner or two. No doubt, no doubt. But the fact that he's brought that up to my ex wife and Dave Smith upon first meeting them when I was well into my 30s.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

It's pretty long layaway bragging.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Not even bought it.

[Robert Kelly]

He goes, I get a bad. It's the line. He goes, he goes, I get a bad rap, you know? But like, everyone, they don't talk about the good stuff. Like, how about when I got your jacket, your winter jacket off layaway? Layaway doesn't even exist anymore. You're talking about an antiquated financial institution. Layaway.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Remember when I bartered for warmth?

[Robert Kelly]

Remember when I made sure my boy was warm with 11 whole dollars? That's right.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Remember when I melted all of your toys in a wood stove to survive the winter? Yeah. Okay. It wasn't all bad.

[Robert Kelly]

It's really more like, hey, remember your mom? Because I don't give her any money. Couldn't afford to get you a jacket on her own. So I'm gonna go give her $11 to fix her life. Good God, that's a good dude. Overall though, Tim Butterly show, very charming. Tim Butterly show is available on [e-mail] timbutterley and make sure you catch Tim on the road. He's gonna be at Dead Crow Comedy Club, Wilmington, North Carolina. June 27th, 28th. Small club. Get tickets now. Such a fun club. I love how like they're just on top. Have you done it before?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

No, my first time.

[Robert Kelly]

It's so fun. Timmy, the owner is great. He's. It's very cool place. And that's June 6th and 7th. No, no, 27th, 27th, 28th.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Close enough.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. June 27th and 28th for tickets and all of us tour dates. Timbutterly.com I'm gonna be at Governors in Levittown next weekend. After that, San Diego, Charlotte, Tacoma for tickets and all my tour dates go to bigjaycomedy.com Listen to Skanks.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

Watch Story Wars.

[Robert Kelly]

It's all out there. Story wars coming maybe to a city near you. Who knows? Robert Kelly has some fun gigs coming up, everybody. He's going to be at the dojo of comedy in Mars Plains, New Jersey, Portland, Maine and Rochester, New York for.

[Unnamed Speaker 4]

Tickets and all of his tour dates.

[Robert Kelly]

Punchup live. Robert Kelly. Enjoy a Best of Tomorrow. That was going down, Lou. Enjoy a nice best of Tomorrow. I'm glad we're able to get you guys a couple shows in this holiday week. We had. Until next time, everybody. Crackle, crackle. Well, Bobby, back Monday, right? Monday's best from Aruba. Unless a Vander sloot kills him.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Thanks for having me.

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