Salmon & Kip-Ups

Summary

The Bonfire: "Salmon & Kip-Ups" (March 3, 2026)

Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Guests/Regulars: Christine, Jacob, Lou (briefly mentioned)
Location: Remote recording from their homes due to "The Blizzard of 2026"

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Overview

In this lively, unscripted episode of The Bonfire, Big Jay and Bobby Kelly weather the massive "Blizzard of 2026" from their homes, riffing on everything from snow shoveling hacks to social media anxieties and the absurdities of modern life as comedians, dads, and New Yorkers. The show balances blunt honesty with trademark sarcasm, touching on family, friendships, and funny (sometimes gross) personal stories—with plenty of interruptions and off-color jabs at each other and their producer, Christine.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Surviving the Blizzard of 2026

• Snow Stories: Both hosts recount their ordeals dealing with nearly two feet of fresh snow.

  • Bobby stubbornly shovels his New Hampshire driveway himself, explaining his multi-stage process and bonding with family over the task. Jay, meanwhile, outsources the job, sparking a debate over tipping etiquette.
  • Bobby: “I came in, I felt like I just went to Vietnam and I was coming home exhausted… My hips hurt. I don’t know why my hips hurt.” (10:13)
  • Jay confesses to over-tipping the shoveling crew and jokes about their possible studio-ambitions: “What if I just helped the next Kanye West? Or just started the black Nazi revolution?” (30:09)

• Snowblower vs Hand Shoveling: Jay owns a high-end snowblower but can’t use it on his patio or brick, emphasizing the futility of “being prepared.”

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2. Imagining a Vegas "Bonfire" Residency

• Bobby floats a vision of escaping the East Coast winter by broadcasting from the SiriusXM studio at the Wynn in Las Vegas. Jay is skeptical, citing his dislike for Vegas, but is tempted by the idea of being "medium rollers" and the convenience of free suites.
  • Bobby: “We should do January, February... get suits, go out there and just rock Vegas for two months.” (02:16)
  • Jay: “I hate Vegas, though.” (02:42)

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3. Kelly Clarkson Gossip & Family Jokes

• The hosts riff on a rumor about Kelly Clarkson’s divorce, which spirals into jokes about Bobby’s suitability as a stepdad and the status of his own marriage.
  • Jay: "You’ve done a good job with [Max and Dawn] already. I say it’s time." (05:54)
  • Bobby: "Will you touch my ding ding? She goes, I'd rather walk through three feet of snow." (06:44)

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4. Tipping Anxiety and Middle-Aged Guilt

• Bobby and Jay debate how much to tip for snow removal, with Christine providing research and comic judgment.
  • Christine: “A $40 tip would be generous on a $450 bill.” (29:03)
  • Jay: "You made me feel like I'm over-generous, too, when you get me...you're my frugal Jiminy Cricket, dude." (11:10)
• Moral: The agony of not knowing whether you’re cheap, fair, or a sucker, especially when it comes to blue-collar labor—and the importance of consulting ChatGPT or, better yet, Bobby and Lou.

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5. Social Media Insecurities and Influencer Life

• The hosts debate social media habits, with Bobby lamenting Jay’s lack of “likes” and the pressure of engagement.
  • Bobby: “It would just be nice to every once in a while to see a Big Jay Okerson thumbs up or a heart... It's almost like winning a social award.” (18:13)
  • Jay: "I don’t look at those things...I just see it and I move on. Like everything else that’s put in front of me." (14:50)
• Bobby ruthlessly self-mocks his influencer videos, including the now-infamous "fart for Jay," and explores his reluctance to put family faces in the spotlight.

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6. Family, Fatherhood & Boundaries

• The dads reflect on sharing family moments online versus protecting privacy.

  • Jay: “I just really kept Isabella kind of off the Internet until she... I don’t think we cross over on the Internet still much anyway.” (51:39)

• Bobby clarifies how rarely he actually shows his wife on camera, framing her as a “background actor” and Max as a “recurring character.” (52:46)

  • Jacob: "Your 12-year-old son definitely appears more." (52:57)

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7. Comedy Life: Memories & Mayhem

• Recollections of legendary house parties with New York comics, spanning multiple generations of stand-ups—culminating with Lewis getting naked at a pool in front of Bobby’s elderly neighbor.
  • Jay: "Lewis got naked. We then took his clothes and hid them. So he had to run around your neighborhood naked." (55:16)
• Stories about sharing hotel rooms and the economics of bringing openers on the road.

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8. Homeownership & Urban/Nature Disasters

• Jay and Christine describe their endless house maintenance woes—crumbling masonry, detached steps, and the Sisyphean struggle of city vs. suburban living. Jay contemplates moving back to NYC after a brutal winter, citing terrible weather and housing mediocrity.
  • Bobby: "Any time you buy a house... it's always something." (41:38)

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9. Showers, Salmon, and Kip-Ups

• Detailed, oddly passionate talk about luxury showers (shower tiles hitting all the right spots), offset by jokes about influencer cooking content and “kip-up salmon guy” as the next viral trend.
  • Jay: “I’ve never taken a full body shower. I’ve never seen a shower that shoots my dick with water.” (58:22)
  • Bobby: "Just come over, dude. Get your dick wet." (58:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tipping Debate:

  • Jay (over-tipping): “The black gentleman who I hand the money to really had like a—‘Whoa, whoa, man.' Can I tell you something? That was worth it.” (29:47)

• On Social Media:

  • Bobby: “If we... That's how the algorithm works. It feeds it.” (15:29)
  • Jay: “All I think about is the people who have been, like. I mean, irrationally furious with me about, like, comedy stuff or something, you know, lunatics out there that have said some crazy shit that I was just like, I'd never want to be, like, all right. Dropping my daughter off at school. This is her school.” (51:39)

• Homeownership Frustrations:

  • Jay: “All my steps have no attachment to the other steps...it's a whip. When you go down, it might just go full slide.” (41:03)
  • Bobby: “As soon as you get the house and you're like, dude, we did everything. This is awesome. Break.” (41:55)

• Classic Bonfire Crudeness:

  • Bobby (on child birth): "It looks like an eye socket without the eye afterwards." (25:23)
  • Bobby: “Will you touch my ding ding? She goes, I'd rather walk through three feet of snow.” (06:53)

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Important Timestamps

• Snow talk, shoveling, and tipping anxiety: 01:32–14:00
• Vegas show fantasy and Kelly Clarkson bit: 02:16–05:48
• Social media and influencer banter: 14:39–21:24
• Salmon, Instagram, and kip-up gags: 20:57–21:53
• Childbirth stories (NSFW): 23:07–26:48
• Home and maintenance horror stories: 40:12–43:58
• Comedy house parties & Lewis's nudity: 54:02–55:33
• Luxury showers and ‘dick water’ debate: 58:13–59:33

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains the signature Bonfire blend of:

• Blunt, self-deprecating humor
• Blue-collar pride/thriftiness
• Cynical love for family & friends
• Occasional gross-out, always genuine camaraderie

Side characters (Christine, Jacob) get roasted, the language is rough-and-ready, and nostalgia for New York, showbiz, and family bleeds into most anecdotes.

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never heard The Bonfire before, this episode is a perfect slice: hilarious, random, and sometimes a little cringe—but always real. If you love stories about everyday struggles, friendship, and modern absurdities, with punchlines that land hard, dive in!

Transcript

[Ad Voice]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Adobe Acrobat Studio, your new foundation. Use PDF spaces to generate a presentation. Grab your docs, your permits, your moves. AI levels up, your pitch gets it in a groove. Choose a template with your timeless cool. Come on now, let's flex those tools. Draft, design, deliver, make it sing. AI builds the deck so you can build that thing. Do that, do that, do that with Acrobat. Learn [e-mail] do that with Acrobat. And now the bonfire with Big J

[Jacob]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big J Okerson]

Can the people hear me?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, you can hear me.

[Big J Okerson]

This is not a warning.

[Bobby Kelly]

We would like you to be turned up a little more, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

Me? Why don't we say this when we were.

[Jacob]

Well, we did, but.

[Big J Okerson]

Check, check. Is that better?

[Bobby Kelly]

Called it a farce and left early.

[Big J Okerson]

Check, check. Who called it a farce?

[Bobby Kelly]

You said, let Kiwi stop this farce.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, man, we gotta keep Bobby. We gotta keep Bobby away from his house. Bobtron 2000. It's the bonfire, everybody. It's. We're coming. We're coming. From our respective homes. It is. The great blizzard of 2026 is here. I'm ready, Dude. Are you ready to. Are you ready to head out to the woods together, Dude? Are you ready to do it yet? I use a satellite dish out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I found out. You know what I found out, Jay?

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

They have a Sirius XM studio in Vegas at the Wind. Yeah, at the Wind, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's a. It's a see through. It's like a fishbowl.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should do January, February. We get sweets at the wind.

[Ad Voice 2]

Win.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not the wind. I was just watching some Indian television show called Dark Wind, I think it's called. We do that. January, February, me and you, we get suits, we go out there and we just rock Vegas for two months.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Without the famous.

[Big J Okerson]

I hate Vegas, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, I know.

[Ad Voice 2]

But we can make it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? We can make Vegas what we want it to be.

[Big J Okerson]

We could.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, we become high rollers or medium rollers.

[Ad Voice 2]

We can.

[Bobby Kelly]

We can have some. We. We. We just hook up with high play. Like, you know, we'll just hang out with Famous people. Vegas famous, not, you know, Vegas.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. The guy was like, yeah, this guy's won, like, the most money in three card poker ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, some Asian with, like, nine rings. Nine World Series rings.

[Big J Okerson]

How many inches did you get, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, we got. We got two feet.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I think we got close.

[Bobby Kelly]

We got two feet. Maybe a little over. It was. It was so daunting. You know, last time on that last one, I. I went out and shoveled in the middle of the night or whenever at night I shoveled, and then I shoveled again the next day, and then I shoveled again. So I made it. You know, I shoveled three times. But it was easy this time. I was like, nah, I'll just. I'm going to wait it out. For some reason, I didn't believe them because they said it was.

[Big J Okerson]

It took. Because it took a while to start. It started way later than they said, and it didn't stick for, like, the first four hours of snowing. So you were like, oh, this is nothing. Then when the temperature dropped, it was immediate, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was so like, we. We were up in New Hampshire Thursday, Friday, Saturday, we got a snowstorm up there, which was fine. That's what you want. Max was snowboarding me and Don with two old people farting around town having, you know, splitting a sandwich in a soup.

[Big J Okerson]

Kelly Clarkson in the fishbowl announced that she's. That she's getting divorced. That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know. That's what. It wasn't the time, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

She actually's getting divorced. Like, she's looking now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but if I was there and I discussed this with dawn and she agree with me, okay? If I was there, it just wasn't the time. She's still too close to it. I gotta let some.

[Ad Voice 2]

Some.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let it have some air. Let it have some air. Let her get out on the market. And then. Jacob, what are you laughing at? I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

Do we have to say legally, she. I did not hear that she's getting in any way divorced from her husband or if she has a husband even. I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he passed away, guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice. Then you do have a shot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he died. Did he die?

[Big J Okerson]

Jacob?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he's dead. He passed away.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no. Her ex passed away or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Something happened.

[Big J Okerson]

Take a look. Who's our researcher? Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, what do you think?

[Big J Okerson]

Because you're in a Las Vegas part,

[Bobby Kelly]

nobody could hear you dip you get your mic off. I can't call you names because I love you, but Jay, call Her a name for me.

[Big J Okerson]

You say this, say the sentence, and I'll say the end.

[Bobby Kelly]

You goddamn face. Get the thing up right now. You. Hurry up, you godless piece of.

[Big J Okerson]

Am I jumping? I might be jumping. She does not have a current husband. She was married to a guy, then they got divorced and then he died. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, yes. She has two kids. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which I'm great with kids. I love kids.

[Big J Okerson]

You're fantastic with kids. She's probably going to need you to completely turn your back on Max and Dawn. But I'll be honest with you. You've done a good job with them already. So I say it's time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think Dawn's done with me.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think she would not be. It wouldn't be a problem with Dawn. What's that?

[Big J Okerson]

How great would that be if she was done with you?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she. Oh, she. I just spent the whole weekend with her and we. I slept. She just left me on the couch every night.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did she tuck me in like a grandfather on the couch. Yeah. And crawled up to the bed by herself.

[Big J Okerson]

You're 70 years old, dude. Yeah, that's it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told her I shoveled. I have a driveway. I have two huge driveways up in New Hampshire. And I said, I shoveled the whole thing by myself. Just went out and shoveled it. That, you know, and I walked in, I go, I just shoveled the whole driveway by myself with a shovel. Will you touch my ding ding? She goes, I'd rather walk through three feet of snow.

[Big J Okerson]

Did she say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, well, I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

That hurts you, Jacob. Now you know when it's bad, when Jacob feels something. Three feet of snow. So are you going to do.

[Big J Okerson]

If you were independently wealthy, you could buy the house next door.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wouldn't even buy the house next door. I'd walk away. I just get a fund from Max. Be like, dude, I got you. Come see me in Vegas. I'm there. February with. With Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

And then I'll come stay with Jay in the batch pad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the batch. Oh, dude, you think about that. We just get a suite together. Forget about the two rooms. We get some type of wind suite.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. A two bedroom apartment.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two bedroom apartment. But we got to be in the wind because I want to be. When we walk into the valet, J. Bobby, you know, we slip him a little bit something. I mean, of course you don't slip them anything because you'd be dropping. The way you tip, we'd be out of money by the first month.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't Know what to give people? I give them the value of what it would take for me to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, be $3,000.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't give anybody $3,000.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here's the thing, Jay. We had the big snowstorm, the blizzard of 26, and it dumped 2ft of snow everywhere. They. I mean, it was the. It was terrible. But not only was it snow, the bottom was wet, the top was light. It was. It was shit snow to shovel. And so I went out today with my. Myself and started shoveling. Then Max came out, then Don came out. We did all the shoveling together. We. We shoveled. I have a. I have a whole system. I do one side, I get it over to the the other. I clean off the end of the driveway, I put the cars back there, Then I do the other. The top of the driveway. Then I take the cars out in the street. I clean all the cars off, and then I pull them all back in. Right. It took around three and a half, four hours to do. Jay, you have a. I mean, the top of the line snowblower that doesn't work on your patio or your rock or your whatever. The brick. The brick. You hired somebody to come to your driveway.

[Big J Okerson]

Driveway outback and all the walkways. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they did it. And then you tip them. You paid them their fee. Well, paid.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know what their fee is. They're getting paid their fee. What are the companies getting paid their fee? These are three young dudes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the company gets a fee, but they pay them through that fee. They get a percentage. It's like a massage parlor, you know.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

They get a percentage of that. 70 bucks. If I knew it was $70 to

[Big J Okerson]

get one of those, there's no way it was $70.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's more than that.

[Big J Okerson]

Substantially more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I just ask how much it was to get everything done just for the fee?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I think it was because I think the money changes also because it was 2ft of snow. I think it was like 4 something. 400 something, Which I would pay to have that done without having to go out there and do that by myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna. I'm gonna take all this back because I shoveled today.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And for four or something dollars. Sounds about right.

[Big J Okerson]

Just about right.

[Bobby Kelly]

It sounds about right. But, dude, it sounds about right. I came in, I felt like I just went to Vietnam and I was

[Big J Okerson]

coming home exhausted, wearing long johns. Your shoes are wet, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had long job. I had to take everything off. Everything was wet. My Bones. My hips hurt. I don't know why my hips hurt.

[Big J Okerson]

Because you're throwing your hips into it, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh. Oh, God. And I felt bad because my neighbors to the right, they're a little older, and they just had shovels, and I had my electric shovels.

[Big J Okerson]

You thought it was going to cost a lot more than it did. You realize now how reasonably good of an idea it was to do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. The fee is great, but the tip you gave is.

[Ad Voice 2]

But that's not.

[Big J Okerson]

You didn't have to. You didn't have to do that. You could have been cheap.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not cheap. I wouldn't have been cheap. I'm never cheap. Don't ever say I'm cheap. I am a big tipper. I'm. I'm an awesome tipper. I've always tip good. You're what they call. You're. You're a nervous tipper.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure, that's fair.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're a nervous tipper. You don't. You're like, ah, here, just take it all.

[Big J Okerson]

You made me feel like I'm over generous, too, when you get me. You're right. You're my. You got to be my gym, my frugal Jiminy Cricket dude. When you were like, I forget who it was. You were setting up guys to go on the road with you. And you were like, yeah, you'll meet him. He's a good guy. You'll drive up there together, and then you'll share a room all weekend. I was like, damn, Bobby's figured it out. Everybody I bring has their own room. Well, out of my pocket, I think. Most of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're out of your mind, dude. Part of being emcee or an opener, a feature with somebody who's like, your caliber is. You know, you share a room.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, sure, I did. I did plenty of times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Plenty of times. That's the fun part. You share the room.

[Christine]

The problem is, Jay's not gonna make Dylan and Mike share a room.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Like friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you can't. Oh, no. You couldn't do that to Mike. It'll go to pieces. I mean, it would go, but it

[Christine]

would be a whole nightmare.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you should. You should just put a camera in there and record that.

[Big J Okerson]

It would be funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God, that'd be great. But, yeah, dude, I can't.

[Jacob]

I can't.

[Big J Okerson]

Josh and Dylan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Josh. Josh and Mike.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that just wouldn't happen. That just wouldn't even happen. Mike would sleep in a car first.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I. You know, you can't.

[Ad Voice 2]

You You.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get nervous, you should make a phone call. All you have to do is chat GPT. Hey, I had them shovel.

[Ad Voice 2]

How much should I tip them?

[Bobby Kelly]

It will tell you.

[Big J Okerson]

I did what felt right, man. Dude, I did what felt right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just call me and Lou next time we're going to come over to your house, we're going to shovel for you.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay? All right. It's going to suck for you now that I know that I've over tipped, so.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, chat GPT. What should I pay Bobby and Black Lou shovel? My place. And what would be a fair tip for such price?

[Jacob]

I do want in on this.

[Big J Okerson]

Now you guys are breaking it up three ways.

[Jacob]

But you said that's what you tipped today. Three people.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, but Bobby's told me that was outlandish. What? I've done

[Christine]

7. 70% tip. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. It's crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

Bobby, thank you for telling me that I've overpaid and over tipped. I will be paying you and Black Lou. And now it appears Jacob.

[Jacob]

Oh, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Your wage.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, listen, listen.

[Big J Okerson]

With a reasonable thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. What I'm saying is, is I told

[Big J Okerson]

these guys to raid the fridge. I'm like, yo, beers, white claws, whatever you want, man. Have at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

They only have to do your house next. Snowstorm.

[Big J Okerson]

The garage is still open. They could have robbed me blind. I have no idea. I just gave them money to rob me blind. Put toilet cams in. They're probably watching me take shits now. Did you guys toilet cam me? We were never in your house. Now you guys are toilet cam me. I'm gonna give you one. A show. I'll give you a show. Take that. Take that. Toilet cam. I don't know how they did it, but they did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had a far button. I couldn't get to it quick enough.

[Big J Okerson]

You cracked ass on the Internet this morning. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, it makes me happy that you guys follow me because there's so many friends of mine that never. I mean, you never like what I do.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which bugs me. I mean, I like all your stuff. Anytime I see something of you, I'm just like. Like it.

[Ad Voice 2]

Boom.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me tell you who that never comes back to. Me. I don't look.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't look at those things. And by the way, when I see your thing, I just see it and I move on. Like everything else that's put in front of me, I don't. I don't like anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay?

[Big J Okerson]

Like, I mean. I mean, I'm not saying that I don't enjoy it. I'm saying I don't push the buttons. In fact, when I've accidentally. Just because I'm scrolling and the page stops and like, you. You hit something and you do like it. I don't know if they see this. I. Then unlike it.

[Ad Voice 2]

You unlike my stuff?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no. If I've, like, hit it. And yes, if it liked your thing. Because then I feel like I'm setting a precedent that I like things, and then people start doing. What you're doing is complaining that I'm not liking their things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, if you like. If you understand, when I like your stuff, my people go to your stuff. And if you like my stuff, your people come to my stuff. Like, if we. That's how the algorithm works. It feeds it.

[Big J Okerson]

Is that how. I mean, are you right about that?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I just said it.

[Big J Okerson]

I. I didn't think, oh, you might be right. If you're right about that, I would think more if that. If that's the real thing, Bobby, I would think more to like your things when I see them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here's the thing. Because I get nervous for you, because

[Big J Okerson]

if it helps you, I will. I will click the thing.

[Ad Voice 2]

I don't want you to help me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want you to like. If you like it, I want you to like it. I don't want you. Now the pressure's on, like a handicap.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but now the pressure's on. Now that I watch a thing and I go, I was, all right, now. Now it's like, I have to like it or else you're going to go, oh, I don't. I genuinely don't think it's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, listen, we have a lot of side conversations about people's Internet on their social media, right?

[Big J Okerson]

No shit. I got a mute fucking people. I hate the Internet. I mean, not the Internet. I hate social media so much.

[Jacob]

I mute a lot of people.

[Big J Okerson]

I hate when it shows me. I hate what it shows me. I'm like, oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I know, dude. I saw some stuff this weekend that was in fear, like, almost ruining my weekend.

[Big J Okerson]

You realize you've become friends with someone with a personality that you've always just made fun of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, I've. I thought I got away from all those people in my life.

[Big J Okerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

But apparently I have it. It's just.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now the fart. May I say this? The fart in my video was for you.

[Big J Okerson]

Was it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, think about it. It. We're doing this little thing. I'm waking up I'm, you know, because I'm an influencer and I'm going out and wow, look at the snow. Right? Oh my God, it's a lot of snow. And then the fart was the little cute part for you.

[Big J Okerson]

There she is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little funny part.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I wrote, I wrote, I

[Big J Okerson]

wrote on the screen.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wrote on the screen, drew attention to it.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate it. It worked. I thought it was. I did think it was funny, but I also said I get to me again. I'm not a good. I'm not against, I'm not against. I am a good friend. I'm not against, I'm not against.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I'm kidding. You're one of the greatest friends of all time. I didn't know. I didn't know I was going to hit a chord. Sensitive snow, Jay. Christine's not around. You're all alone in the house. You're hanging out with Mexicans all day.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but I'm gonna crush white calls till I fall asleep. I was gonna go for it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are a great friend. You are a great friend. It would just be nice to every once in a while to see a big J okerson thumbs up or a heart. You know what I mean? It's almost like winning a social award.

[Christine]

A heart.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to hardy it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want a hardy. I want a J Hardy.

[Big J Okerson]

This is so I get to love.

[Jacob]

I'm so fascinated by Bobby the influencer. Well, fascinated by his video.

[Big J Okerson]

The first person in my life who's complained about this thing. I got to tell you, I genuinely, I don't understand social media. I just still don't get it. I don't understand the fact. I understand putting out a product and hoping people enjoy it. I understand you put out a special or clips even and you want to see what it's doing if people are enjoying your work and stuff like that. The day to day stuff I don't get personally, but I understand that's I'm a. I'm a my minority in that most people do put up like their daily goings on and here's what I'm eating for dinner and look at this steak I just crushed and holy. I'm driving by this mountain.

[Jacob]

That's Bobby.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't live like that at all. I get that for sure. But it's like, it's just not my instinct at all to do that. And so it just in. That's why I said before, like I wouldn't even know. I'm like, does me Harding your thing make it better for You. I treat it so like it has to be done. People trying to contact me directly if I get to the messages and stuff. Like, I do try to like get back and stuff and write little things if I can. I can't get to everybody, obviously, but like, I try to make that as personal as possible. But like, you know, when my clips go up, dude, that's Dylan putting up my clips and then just like leaving it there so you could enjoy it. I do enjoy the engagement, the engagement of the thing. I just, I never. Like I said. But again, that's me. I know like before, like, I'd be so doing probably better on social media if I was like, look at this fight I'm watching. Look at these two bums just started fighting and they're fighting in the middle of the street. It's just my instinct is to go. I'm like recording it with my brain so I can go, all right, I got 75 hours of broadcasting to do this weekend, so this will be something. I could talk about the bum fight. Maybe get a picture so people have an idea. But I'd almost rather like relay it.

[Jacob]

You get such access with Bobby. You're like part of the family, part of his family. He takes you into his world.

[Big J Okerson]

You think you know, but you have no idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Truth. This is a diary of Bobby Kelly.

[Jacob]

I'm fascinated because it's. It would be horrifying to me that allow anyone that much access. Yeah, but he's in his home living his. You're living with your video.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hi, I'm cooking salmon again.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. Would be a bummer for sure.

[Jacob]

I could do pull ups.

[Big J Okerson]

You could. You could kip up into cooking a salmon, which is pretty dope. Sure. I would say that could probably catch on if I'm being honest. You know what? Trademark I'm Hobo trademark. You can't have it. I could do. If you do it now, I get a part of it.

[Jacob]

If you, if you.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you kept kip up every time and then made salmon, you would be the kip up salmon guy. And you have millions of followers.

[Big J Okerson]

Millions followers.

[Jacob]

No, but I'm not.

[Big J Okerson]

But you also. But you owe me. But you owe me a piece of that now because it's my idea though. So you just know that. And any. I'll accept any kind of motion into cooking salmon I will say is a derivative of the idea. It might seem boring, but take a little piece. I will rip you apart in court just to understand that. Listen, we're gonna go back to our regular conversation about being friends in a second, But I will you in court for months and months, maybe years. So play the game or don't, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm guessing that I came up with the idea, so I feel like I should have. Not as much as percent as you, but a little bit of a percent because I said cooking salmon as an influencer. I gave him an influencer.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you see big mouth. You see big mouth Jacob. Now Bobby wants a taste. You happy?

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm gonna use Jay's lawyer, so you're fucked.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. Dude, this guy is litigious out the dickhole. He is. He can't wait to fucking jam you up in court. Oh, man, you are so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm pretty sure Jay has a collar and a leash on him to hold him back.

[Big J Okerson]

I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's how he had fcs. A Lamont, whatever.

[Christine]

The.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy sees that. What the Is his name. I almost said Lamaz. That's. That's pregnant stuff, right?

[Big J Okerson]

It's pregnant stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's pretty busy stuff.

[Big J Okerson]

That's when you're a. You go with your wife to do that. I'm just saying that's what you go with your wife to do. Learn how to breathe.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I think we took.

[Big J Okerson]

Do we.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you take. Did you undo any of that stuff? The. The. The Doula, Lamont, all that?

[Big J Okerson]

I think not. The duel. I think they make. I think they made us, like, might have even been for, like, insurance or something. We had to go to, like, a class of, like, the breathing thing. I think we went and was like. It was in and out. Like, you're like, we'll see you guys next week. And we're like, yeah, yeah, sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don hired us next time. Don High hired a doula for the house. And I showed his name. She. It was a. A black chick, smoking hot. I mean, ridiculously hot. And I remember I showed up.

[Big J Okerson]

Your wife's about to blow.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was doing Santeria over Dong's. She was burning her pubes. No, she was smoking hot. And we were sitting there, and she had all her stuff laid out on the table. And I sat down. And then she had a stutter. I didn't know it.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

She went, okay, the first thing we have to. I have. I want to. Just laughed in her face. We didn't know she had a stutter, dude. It was wild. And then she took on the couch and she got relaxing breaths.

[Big J Okerson]

That's not. That's jarring every time you hear it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's terrible.

[Big J Okerson]

Now hold her. Now hold her. Now hold Her. Now. Now hold. Now hold her hand.

[Bobby Kelly]

She. She put Don on the couch to, you know, on all fours. And she goes, okay, now I'm going to get behind. Behind her. And this is the position you're going to be in. And she was just rubbing her ass. I was just standing in front of dawn, like, with my penis in front of her mouth. I was. I was looking down at dawn, like, is this what you want?

[Big J Okerson]

Is this like you were Eiffel towering her with your Lamar?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I was like, is this a thing?

[Big J Okerson]

Like, you got the right booty for there, Dawn?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I didn't do any of that when she gave birth, either. I almost threw up. Disgusting.

[Big J Okerson]

Any breathing either?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I panicked. I remember the nurse kicked me out. She's like. She's like. She pushed away. She tell her she's going to be all right. I was like, you're gonna be all right.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. I just sat there and stared at Carla's cooch until it was blasted to smithereens.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's so gross. That's. When you say the word bloom, that's what I think of. Just a head blooming out of a vagina.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it looks like an. It looks like an eye socket without the eye afterwards.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. It looks like a whale eye without the eye.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you can see the back of it. You can see the back of the cave.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so bad. It's so bad. Men should never have to see that.

[Big J Okerson]

They told me. They told me almost not to watch it. And I was like, I'm watching. And then I was like. I was like, this marriage is over, probably. I was like, you. I'm watching.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

This marriage is gonna end one day, bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's true, man. After seeing that, it took me a long time to get that visual out of my head. Oh, gross. I remember Don pooped. I was like, what? I was like, what's that? What's that? I thought it was like a. Like a twin brother out of her or something.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. You thought she had a black baby, you racist. You're a radiotor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Do some people not poop when they give birth?

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

I think a bunch of people don't poop when they give birth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's like when you're going for surgery, they say, don't they tell you not to eat or drink for 12 hours so you don't yourself in the dentist?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. When you go into labor, though, you can't really control that. But I don't Think. Look at. Look it up. You have a computer for you, man. You get out of that series XM studio, she's gonna think, just look anything up anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

She gets comfortable and she's in a

[Big J Okerson]

kitchen just sitting back on a kitchen.

[Bobby Kelly]

You goddamn stupid.

[Christine]

It is extremely common.

[Big J Okerson]

Sucker. What?

[Christine]

It's extremely common and perfectly normal.

[Big J Okerson]

Bobby called you a.

[Christine]

I know your voice.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I would. No, no, I said it for Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't say it. I can't call you a stupid.

[Big J Okerson]

Dumb. Jesus Christ, you are a dumb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I would love every once in a while to look you right in your face when you're judging me and go, you know what?

[Big J Okerson]

You just. Twat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop looking at me with those. I met up with my aunt the other day.

[Christine]

She goes, I just don't like the way he talks to you on that show. I say, are you. Is he joking?

[Big J Okerson]

This. Did you do the. Maybe

[Jacob]

around.

[Christine]

You make me out to sound like a real scummy slob.

[Big J Okerson]

Scummy slob?

[Bobby Kelly]

That was just a bad day. That doesn't happen all the time.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

That you make her out to feel like a scummy slob?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no. But that day I for sure probably was.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love how great me and you look.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. Christine, did you ask your aunt to help you escape? I just need help getting away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, where are you?

[Christine]

I'm in Torrance.

[Big J Okerson]

She's in California. Can't you tell by all the Steeler stuff on the wall?

[Bobby Kelly]

Is Torrance like, you know, a lot of low riders and stuff?

[Christine]

Some, yes, some parts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do they think you're a sa. One of those Spanish ladies that dance like, just dancing of a 711 parking lot?

[Big J Okerson]

Christine put on a flannel and buttoned it up top. She could go out in chola if she wanted to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, Christine, show us the moves. Yeah, it says right here you should have tipped. $40 would be a generous tip on a 450bill. 40? 40 to 70.

[Christine]

No, 60.

[Bobby Kelly]

Total.

[Big J Okerson]

Total.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you on a crew split amongst the crew.

[Big J Okerson]

I should have gone 40 a piece.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, 40 a piece would have been holy. This guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. The black gentleman who I hand the money to really had like a. Whoa, whoa, man. Can I tell you something? That was worth it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what, dude? It is worth it when you get that. Oh, man, you just changed my life. Yeah, I can.

[Big J Okerson]

I can.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can buy that car I wanted right now.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I assume he's going to use it for studio time. But look, it's One step closer, realizing his career of being a hip hop legend. What if I just helped the next Kanye West? What if I just started the Nazi revolution? Black Nazi revolution.

[Christine]

I also know we had the money from the sale of the gym equipment and it was hundreds. So I also know he didn't have change and that was part of the decision.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't think there was change. There might have been a few chuanzos in there, but yeah.

[Jacob]

Jay, do you.

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[Bobby Kelly]

I love it.

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jacob]

Sorry. Go ahead, Bob.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, go ahead.

[Jacob]

No. Did you get the new Swole Academy arrive?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Jacob]

Oh God.

[Big J Okerson]

But don't worry. They told me. They told me on Instagram after I got a couple form letters back. They did say that they've now forwarded my thing over to the whatever you always keep saying. I forget the words like the proper department. Oh yeah, he just keeps saying the relevant.

[Christine]

The relevant.

[Big J Okerson]

The relevant department. He said now my information over the relevant department and should be shipped out very shortly with no information. Which, by the way, my. My fear was like, this thing's going to pop up. Like I felt like yesterday and I couldn't get it inside before the storm happened or something. Like it hasn't yet or I thought I wasn't gonna be able to get home. That's what I said I would come home to. Like a rusted out fucking thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it comes. It comes in a. Like a wooden box you have to unscrew. Like you have to own a drill to take it out of the shipping container it comes in.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I've watched videos on people assembling them.

[Jacob]

No, makes sense.

[Christine]

That's what the handyman does. He takes Southbox.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, I watched. I watched a couple because I wanted to see if I had to hire somebody, if I could just do it myself.

[Big J Okerson]

And you look up, look it up. Major fitness B52.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, look it up.

[Big J Okerson]

You set up.

[Jacob]

JM.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna get.

[Big J Okerson]

Not looking up. Yeah,

[Jacob]

I'm gonna get you this. My pull up bar.

[Big J Okerson]

Jacob, your artwork is that of an old woman. Oh, yeah. You're gonna get all you need.

[Jacob]

It's all you need, man. Wedge it between the door frame.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you think I was gonna say, dude? Yeah, you're gonna. Yeah, you're gonna help me out when I push my tailbone through my brain when that thing just slides right down the door jam when I put my weight on it?

[Jacob]

No, I've tested.

[Big J Okerson]

We're all not field mice, Jacob.

[Jacob]

400 pound test, so you're way below.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not gonna hold me or Jay. We're gonna pay for a whole new door jam.

[Jacob]

It'll hold both of you.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you don't know how door jams work.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna wind up. I'm gonna wind up on the Mexican table underneath you.

[Jacob]

They can't. They can't put a. A number that isn't right. I can't exaggerate. And then you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they can't. They can't.

[Big J Okerson]

You want to bet?

[Jacob]

Well, it works fine for me, Bobby.

[Big J Okerson]

It comes just like I thought, in a bunch of boxes with those. Those strap things that you have to cut and it blasts apart. I promise you, you don't need screws or a drill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, maybe. Maybe I was looking at the new

[Big J Okerson]

one you were watching. Operation Dumbo Drop. That was an elephant, dude. You have to have it screwed in.

[Bobby Kelly]

I swear to God, the ones I was watching. I swear to God, the ones I was watching came in a Wooden box and the dude was unscrewing it.

[Big J Okerson]

Type in build. Major fitness B52 Pro Smith machine.

[Jacob]

This guy just grill. This guy. Just called you part of the Hydra fam.

[Big J Okerson]

Call it unboxing, Right? No. No. Major fitness B52. Unboxing. Here we go. All right. Still keeps coming up. Same thing I just said. I know. Try to find another one. Prove Bobby right. Doing this right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Type in the new one. The. What's the new one? Jay? The B17.

[Christine]

The new one.

[Bobby Kelly]

B17.

[Big J Okerson]

Bobby. I'll be honest with you. That was her being a little cun.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Jay, you know what I expected out of this?

[Big J Okerson]

I was a little cunty.

[Christine]

Is it this installation video?

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, that's the thing for sure. Too tall. A little too tall. But there's not an unboxing of it building.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's see.

[Jacob]

Because it's.

[Big J Okerson]

He's right. He's right. What do you think the pictures behind Jacob's couch are? Damn it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lol. All right.

[Big J Okerson]

I think all the way on the left is Frank Sinatra's mug shot. Am I right? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob has the apartment of a writer. That was, like, an unsuccessful writer.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Jacob]

They're Bonfire posters.

[Big J Okerson]

Permanent midnight over here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Bonfire posters.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That wasn't as fun as I was hoping.

[Jacob]

Sorry. Sorry. I have pride.

[Big J Okerson]

Is that a picture?

[Jacob]

Sorry to bum you out with my

[Big J Okerson]

depiction of what people believe. The third picture is Billy the Kid. The real Billy the Kid. You and Jelly Roll.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go. Right there.

[Christine]

So I found somebody. It's like a piece of gym equipment that comes in a wood box. So.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you understand her passive aggressiveness with the a. This. This.

[Christine]

It's not the major thing.

[Big J Okerson]

It reeks of my Wu Tang Clan thing. Yeah. Look at that, Bobby. You did need a drill to get into that one. There was a thing you have to drill a box to get into? Yeah, but I want you to understand I wasn't arguing that there's things that will be delivered in life. I'm just saying they weren't sending me missiles in a rocket launcher.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope. I hope it all comes in a wooden box.

[Big J Okerson]

Me, too. How about the crowbar to open it? I don't have a crowbar. I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It comes with his own crowbar.

[Big J Okerson]

Pickaxe. That's. Oh, I bought a pickaxe. What am I ever going to use it for? I'm about to kill Christine. I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

You bought a pickaxe.

[Christine]

I used it to get the ice sludge when I kept slipping around my car. Because we only did Your side of

[Bobby Kelly]

the driveway,

[Big J Okerson]

you got. You got a bang. You have to just use the weight of it. You shouldn't use the spikes on it. You know, our. All of our brick up more than has. Oh, Bobby, I showed you yesterday. Yeah, so I was gonna cry. This, this winter has really, I mean, given a world class Mick Foleyish beat down on the undertaker. Beating Mick Foley. It was done in my house this winter. It's crazy. All stones breaking crap. The major stones part. Almost all of my steps unattached at this point. Almost all my steps have no attachment to the other steps.

[Jacob]

You.

[Christine]

Our entire, like the entire panel came up. What's it called? Not panel.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like a long.

[Christine]

Yeah, like a long slab. It's like completely. It's not even in the ground.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm saying all the front steps aren't connected anymore either. So it's a whip. When you go down, it might just go full slide.

[Bobby Kelly]

Make really careful. Can I ask you a question? Did this guy get all this work done before he sold the house or was this. Has this been there for a long time?

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes they tell you, oh, it's brand new kitchen, brand new, you know, bathrooms, everything's been.

[Big J Okerson]

Kitchen was the newest thing for sure.

[Christine]

I think four or five years.

[Bobby Kelly]

So the, the backyard. Four or five years. But the, the, the, the slate work out front. Is that like, oh, we just got that done.

[Big J Okerson]

That's probably been there for a long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Well, dude, I mean, I'm sorry to say that every time you buy a house, that it, it's, it's always something. Yeah, it's always something. As soon as you, as soon as you get the house and you're like, dude, we did everything. This is awesome. Break.

[Big J Okerson]

I think if I sold now, I'd make money. Christina moved back to the city. She don't give a Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't move back to the city, dude. Come on. You love.

[Big J Okerson]

You love your house. She misses it. She got the itch.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't move back to the city. And if you do move back to the city, don't move to where you were. That was too far away. I'd rather go to your house in Wayne than that wind tunnel.

[Big J Okerson]

I would Never live on 57th street again. Damn sure. That was insane. I'll never live on a two. I'll never live on a two lane New York road ever again. Never again.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it was like going into the. The exorcist bedroom is just like 20 degrees colder the second you get on your block. It was insane.

[Christine]

You're just slapped with the wind.

[Big J Okerson]

But after this, after this winter, I could be talked back into the city pretty easy, I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we just move into the city like with like buildings protecting your street.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I remember going to your house and parking in the parking lot and then having to take a breath and pray to God before I stepped out onto that street and made that five second walk to the front door.

[Big J Okerson]

God forbid you have a dope. God forbid. It was raining. You had to open an umbrella. You might be taking out the sea so bad. I mean it was punishing. When it was the kind of wind you could lean forward into sometimes and it would hold you up. It was.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have just, I would have let fucking doodles just in the house

[Big J Okerson]

having to fight that wind to go across the street to a, a movie theater where we were treated like absolute by people who were furious about their jobs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you had what you want to eat, you had right around your apartment, but you just, you didn't want to go to it.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like, yeah, the apartment too is like, that'll be my thing about New York. I'm like, none of them are made good. Like you're really paying for the location still and like the facade of something that's nice, but it ain't really nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's just like a regular hotel room.

[Big J Okerson]

That apartment that I lived in. Yeah. Anything that was in it was like the floors weren't particularly nice. Nothing was nice. It was just like clean and newish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's it. I mean, and the thing too, you have to go up, down, take a left.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Over some sky bridge.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then down, down that hallway.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then you get there.

[Christine]

It was like very easy potty training a puppy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that did seem like a nightmare

[Christine]

in the maze and 27 floors.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's just praying on the elevator. She doesn't take a piss. Right on the elevator.

[Big J Okerson]

I'd go back, I do first floor or bullet train. The penthouse.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, My last apartment in New York, first floor. But you don't want that either because then you become the first floor police. Anytime something happens or somebody's boyfriend gets into a fight and they're banging on the front door at 3 in the morning. I remember I went outside one night, I heard just banging. We had this beautiful grated door. It was a wood door. It was all like wrought iron grading beautiful. And I just hear three in the morning just banging on the front door. I go outside and you could see this, this older gay gentleman, shit faced, screaming this guy's name. And I went out and all the grates were broken. And I saw him hiding the grates in like the front grass by the tree. And I went out and I'm like, what the fuck?

[Ad Voice 2]

What the fuck are you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

You broke the door.

[Ad Voice 2]

And he's like, I didn't break the door.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't break the door.

[Ad Voice 2]

I go, I see you hiding the fucking evidence.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was just hiding the evidence, the broken door. And I was like, oh, this blows. You don't want the first floor.

[Big J Okerson]

The apartment was complete ass. I mean it was so bad, but like a shithole of an apartment. But Christine's. The apartment that I moved into there when we first moved in for those years was like situationally ideal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where was it?

[Big J Okerson]

It was like, well, situationally. I mean, obviously not like you could have a big thing with a balcony, but the outback of it was just the back of stores that really no one was ever out. And it was, but it was also like grown over and ugly to look out the window, but. And then like almost a moat of like, you know, just like a space between. Not a moat, but like a concrete moat. Essentially though, it was like a space between the building and like where anybody can get to it. So it wasn't really dangerous either. Like the back windows, like, nobody could really get to those back windows and they were covered in, you know, whatever, the cages and shit, all that New York garbage. But like, but it was back of the building. You walk in from the front of the street on fifth street, it was a down, you know, if you ever came there was down the hallway and at the end. So it was just back of the building. So you didn't hear any of like it wasn't a real like sirens going all night place by far more. When we lived in the high rise building, did I. When you open the windows, you were opening yourself up to the sounds of the city. Yeah.

[Christine]

Also on the west side highway, history was great. And honestly, for an East Village apartment, it really wasn't that shitty. Like we could fit queen size punk as like. It was pretty, it was made, it

[Big J Okerson]

was made of wood paneling. It was so bad. It was so bad. It was. So they gave us a hot plate at one point when they said, hey, get no gas for six months. Here's a hot plate.

[Christine]

Well, that building blew.

[Big J Okerson]

And then when, and then when you asked, when you asked, they went, oh, they're like, okay, we'll take like a hundred dollars off Rent.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, so they made you basically that you went camping for six months in New York City.

[Big J Okerson]

That's when we just kind of started. That's almost when we became habitual completely order. Because we were still like, you know, not making money enough that, like, we cooked a lot. Actually, at one point we were cooking. I mean, we only made like a handful of things, but it was like once a week we made like fish and then the stuffed peppers and then a pasta, you know, but we cooked a lot. And then it just became. Couldn't even do that. So it was like we became complete order out people. And then my culinary skills dwindled.

[Bobby Kelly]

I tell you what, I made myself

[Big J Okerson]

grilled cheese last night. I'm making a Stouffer's lasagna tonight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn slaved over last night. She made a chicken corn chowder. Yeah, I mean, it's one of my favorites. It's on my Instagram, if you want to see it. Yeah, it's on the stories.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you do the thing where you go, boy, I sure, I'm hungry. And then touch your hand to the screen and then pull your hand back and all of a sudden there's soup in front of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm an old school influencer where I kind of just show the process and tell a story. I don't do the. They call that bells and whistles. I'm not really into the bells and whistles.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate that. Do you pick out music? Do you pick out music for the background of your thing?

[Bobby Kelly]

I try to pick out. Yeah, like, I try to pick out royalty free music.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't even. I couldn't even guess how to possibly do that on Instagram. Whatever. That's why I love. I always love getting credit too. I get. I do get messages sometimes that are say things or a thing that just goes like, dude, I thought no one knows this song, dude, but you killed it with this. And then I just like, what? I don't know what the they're talking about. And it's just like they're talking about the background song of the clip that

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't pick all my songs. You could actually hear when Apple introduces a new product. Those are the same songs, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

You go eight bit so people don't sue you.

[Bobby Kelly]

So last night, Dawn, I mean, she's cooking this thing.

[Christine]

It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's one of the greatest chowders of all time.

[Jacob]

I watched her cooking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's cooking like you showed us. Three hours, it's on my Instagram. And then Max comes up and he

[Big J Okerson]

goes Christine, take the hint and bring up the goddamn Instagram. Jesus Christ. She falls asleep when she's not in studio.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, unbelievable. She's just a dumb, sleepy twat. But Max comes upstairs. He goes, can you. Can you have Jay make us the stromboli? Don was like, what? I just made this corn chowder. It's awesome. He goes, I want that stromboli. Is there any way you can make. Just call Jay and see how to make it.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I tell you something, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

The grocery store's open.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I might run out. I mean, everything's shoveled and stuff now, so I might run out. I mean, I could be talking to. Throwing a stromboli. Bring a couple pieces in, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was so good.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't really have much tromboli last time.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was. It was just enough, but I wish there was. I wish we got some to take. I'll play the music. Christine.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, this is the one making the chowder. Celery.

[Jacob]

Takes you into his world.

[Big J Okerson]

Really do now. Does she like being. I don't have a better word for it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Used for your Internet f. Well, I very rarely will. Dawn.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm sorry. That's. Bobby. I know she's your wife. She's your wife. She's not being used. I choose the better word. Does she know she's being exploited?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's more like she's being cast. We call it cast in the business. No, I don't really. I don't show Don in my videos. I know very rarely.

[Big J Okerson]

I really. I keep talking. I said. I keep saying a couple friends of ours that, like, you know, even, like, Lewis and stuff. Like, Dave doesn't do it, but, like, Lewis, like, just like, having your kids, like, grow up on the. Like, on their social media, showing. I'm like, All I would think about. All I think about is the people who have been, like. I mean, irrationally furious with me about, like, comedy stuff or something, you know, lunatics out there that have said some crazy shit that I was just like, I'd never want to be, like, all right. Dropping my daughter off at school. This is her school.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right.

[Big J Okerson]

I just really kept Isabella kind of off the Internet until she. And still, I don't think she, like, we don't cross over on the Internet still much anyway, as far as, like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'm not even connected to dawn on anything. Like, we don't. I don't know anything. She does, and she doesn't know anything. I do really.

[Jacob]

I don't know if I agree with that statement. I don't really put dawn on a lot of videos.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't, I don't put it. Let me, let me, let me clarify that. Can you do me one quick favor because. Can you just sit up in your chair? Because when you slouch, it makes your face worse.

[Big J Okerson]

Me?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you are sitting up. I apologize. So I don't put her face. Very rarely do I put. Her voice might be in it, but not her face. How about this? She doesn't, she doesn't have a star. She doesn't have a starring role. You see what I'm saying?

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's the background actor in a lot of my.

[Jacob]

I'll give you that one. Yes, that's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's a background actor. I pay her.

[Christine]

Max is a featured player.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max is a recurring character.

[Jacob]

Yeah, she's, she does not appear as much as Max. I'll say that.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's a day rate.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Your 12 year old son definitely appears more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's a star. I mean, he's a star. Are you, I. Have you done this like so I have my, my photos hooked up to my TVs and all that. And then when you don't want, when they, when you pause your TV to check something, do something, all your photos will start coming up. All of Max's little photos are coming up. When he was just this little mushball thing and I, I, A photo came up of one of our parties. My parties. You were every, you were there. Christine was, everybody was there. Dave was there. This was before. Dave was with his wife now, I mean, I can't. The parties I used to throw was fucking epic. Like everybody was there. Like as far as comics, it was like 60 people at the party.

[Big J Okerson]

I was gonna say you're like, it was epic. I go, what the fuck do you think we did there? We shot fucking firecrackers off the roof. Everyone got laid. It was epic. With people for sure. Great people there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, do my parties were great?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. Epic's a weird world though, but epic considering the guest list. The guest list is epic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

The behavior is not epic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the one time that I invited your group, I have, I have, I have three groups of comedians that I hang out with.

[Big J Okerson]

I have my got naked and then we threw his clothes away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. When I, when I, I have the, the Keith Colin Norton, you know my, my class and then I also have another class. I'm with you guys, right? With you know, Lewis and you and you know all those guys. And then I have the younger, you know, the younger people. The Danny's, the Kelly Fistukas, the blah, blah, blah. Right.

[Big J Okerson]

And we set bad examples for them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I, I, one year I invited, we had a party for just your class. Lewis, you know, Stavi, you, Dave and you guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Dylan was there. It was. Yeah, we raged.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you raised. You guys went.

[Big J Okerson]

No one raged. Nobody got like drunk or anything like that. No one's really drinking even.

[Bobby Kelly]

But like my 80 year old neighbor Dolores who said use the pool and we went in and you guys used it and took, got naked and.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, no, no. Lewis got naked. We then took his clothes and hid them. So he had to run around your neighborhood naked.

[Bobby Kelly]

So there was a naked Puerto Rican running out of Dolores's driveway, which is, I told him not good for the neighborhood.

[Big J Okerson]

I told him not to get naked. And then he ran out front of your house and then you yelled and screamed at him and he came back. Right. He was covering his dick with his hand though, for what it's worth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Lewis is a wild card. We did the regs last a couple weeks ago and he showered at the studio.

[Big J Okerson]

How, where is that possible? Just like a hose. That is ironically called a Puerto Rican shower.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, there's a bathroom in the studio, but it, there's a shower, but no, it's not a shower to use. Like nobody uses it.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. What's it there for? Like it used to be an apartment, I guess it was.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, the studio, the comedy seller studio used to be Gnome's apartment. That's where Gnome lived.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

And yeah, he lived there when his father was. When his father ran it. Gnome lived upstairs and he ran the wah. And so when his father passed away, he moved to his father's house up in Arkansas. It was Grace. Oh, those apartments are huge up there. They own the building.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, the studio doesn't seem huge though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it, it went this, the studio has a bedroom off of it and then the studio.

[Big J Okerson]

And then that's not all of it. I got you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It went all the way back, but then they put a wall up when he moved out. And Rose and Tony live on the other side of the studio wall. They have an apartment that goes way back. Like Ava lives on the top floor and she has the whole thing. You know what I mean?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I do. I don't think the people listening in Phoenix Trucking know what we mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought I described it pretty good.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And they're like, they goes, well, that's great. Ava lived upstairs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ava is. That's True context was Manny's wife or girlfriend.

[Big J Okerson]

Guma

[Jacob]

and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

So now that's a girlfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

She was sweet. She reminded me of my grandmother. She was a very sweet Jewish lady. I heard though. Until you get on her bad side, then she can go off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You feel that way?

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, thank you. My mom. No, I've had. I really have nothing but sweet things to say. Ava was a doll. She was always very, very sweet. Always very sweet to me. George, honey. George. Always very sweet to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Another people over there. One of the part owners over there. I don't know who Tony is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do.

[Big J Okerson]

Who?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's the Spanish guy that makes everything, fixes everything.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, that apartment. That apartment is great. My apartment. The apartment I lived in on 47th street was nice, but the first floor, it was a duplex place. Remember that place?

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[Bobby Kelly]

That place was nice.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Your full body shower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Full body. I still have one. How great is my shower here? You saw my shower here?

[Big J Okerson]

I saw. Yeah. I've never taken a full body shower. I've never seen a shower that shoots my dick with water.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, come over directly.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't want to come over just to get my dick wet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just come over, dude. Get your dick wet.

[Jacob]

What does that mean? Full body shower.

[Big J Okerson]

I have shower ties right near. They shoot right near a dick hole. My. You're.

[Jacob]

I Jacob, not just one on the top. Like multiple ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, our. Your face.

[Jacob]

That sounds nice.

[Big J Okerson]

Guys. Am I.

[Jacob]

You're not.

[Big J Okerson]

Am I just drunk or am I on fire today?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're always on fire, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

This.

[Bobby Kelly]

This shot?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you got one too?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

I don't understand.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I have shower tiles. They shoot out of the wall.

[Big J Okerson]

Shoot out of the wall.

[Jacob]

What? Where they shoot.

[Bobby Kelly]

They shoot out of the wall over to the left. See it? So I have. I have a rainfall on top and then I have these shower tiles that are. When I. When I made the shower and they made. When they made it. I stood in the shower and I make sure it hits. It's my ding ding in my face. And Jacob, what are you watching?

[Big J Okerson]

Our flip phone. He's like, I don't see what you're talking about. The water shooting forward out of this

[Bobby Kelly]

pressure.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. Why are you looking up the installation?

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet that comes in a wooden box.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, small boxes. Oh, Jacob wants. This is all stop so we can go jerk off on Jacob Patreon. Check out our Patreon where me and Bobby jerk off during the commercial break. Sign up now for a free bonus. We'll do some solo shows. We do two guy stuff. Whatever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe Jay will be in my shower. He'll take. He'll take a shower and wash his dick in my shower.

[Big J Okerson]

Do we have commercials? Can I go smoke for the first time in a long time during the show?

[Christine]

Oh, you can go smoke.

[Ad Voice 2]

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[Big J Okerson]

And I'm Big J. Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[Ad Voice 2]

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[Big J Okerson]

If you get a Sirius XM Podcast plus subscription, it opens you up to all kinds of benefits on so many Sirius XM shows and podcasts. Yeah.

[Ad Voice 2]

So what are you waiting for?

[Big J Okerson]

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