The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Episode: Simulated Drowning w/ MrBallen (John B. Allen)
Date: January 28, 2026
Guest: John B. Allen aka MrBallen
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk
Overview:
This episode features the master storyteller and Navy SEAL veteran John B. Allen, best known as "MrBallen," who joins comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. The hosts dig into MrBallen’s journey from a self-professed Quincy “fuck up” to elite military service, then on to sensational viral storytelling. They explore his unique path, SEAL training horrors, the psychology of viral stories, and the mechanics of keeping millions transfixed—always laced with Bonfire’s signature raw, bantery humor.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Origin of the "MrBallen" Persona
- [02:06–04:15]
- John explains the accidental origins of the “MrBallen” name. His original username "JohnBAllen416" was misread by aspiring Navy SEALs seeking advice. The prefix “Mr” stuck after repeated salutations in his inbox—so he adopted it.
“I took it and ran with it.” — John B. Allen [04:15]
- John explains the accidental origins of the “MrBallen” name. His original username "JohnBAllen416" was misread by aspiring Navy SEALs seeking advice. The prefix “Mr” stuck after repeated salutations in his inbox—so he adopted it.
2. Quincy Roots & Boston Upbringing
- [04:15–08:02]
- Anecdotes abound about fighting at local basketball courts, high school brawls, and the tough, “territorial” climate of Quincy and neighboring Boston towns.
“We used to hang out at this place called the Mount...these kids from Dorchester, from DOT showed up...they jump out of a car with two by fours and they start beating kids up, like, completely arbitrarily…” — John [06:00]
- John describes growing up as a habitual scrapper with little actual fighting skill, emphasizing the sometimes-brutal social environment that shaped him.
- Anecdotes abound about fighting at local basketball courts, high school brawls, and the tough, “territorial” climate of Quincy and neighboring Boston towns.
3. College Life, Chaos, and Failure
- [07:12–14:54]
- John details his riotous first year at UMass Amherst, where he failed most classes (“1.016 GPA”), got over 30 write-ups, and participated in a campus riot after a football loss.
“Reality is going to catch up, but I'm failing my classes and not going to classes, and I’m telling my family back home everything’s going great.” — John [07:39]
- When police began identifying and expelling rioters, John preemptively withdrew from school before being pushed out.
- John details his riotous first year at UMass Amherst, where he failed most classes (“1.016 GPA”), got over 30 write-ups, and participated in a campus riot after a football loss.
4. Turning Point and Reckoning
- [14:54–17:24]
- Living in his mom’s basement, John had his "reckoning," acknowledging self-sabotage and beginning genuine self-improvement:
“I needed to like fail in a way that I orchestrated completely...when I go home...I did this. No one did this to me.” — John [14:46]
- He rededicated himself, re-applied and excelled at UMass, met his wife, and found meaning in grinding toward goals.
- Living in his mom’s basement, John had his "reckoning," acknowledging self-sabotage and beginning genuine self-improvement:
5. Becoming a Navy SEAL: The Challenge and Mythos
- [17:56–25:12]
- John’s interest in the military was sparked by family friends in SEAL Team 6, and he explains the difference between "regular" SEALs ("white side") and the mythic Team 6 ("dark side"):
“Team six, it might as well be a different unit ... you have to be one of the best SEALs that exist. Then you go to their selection program...it’s infinitely harder.” — John [18:12]
- He emphasizes the grueling marathon of training (“about two years to get your trident”) and the psychological demands.
- John’s interest in the military was sparked by family friends in SEAL Team 6, and he explains the difference between "regular" SEALs ("white side") and the mythic Team 6 ("dark side"):
6. SEAL Training’s Underwater Ordeal — Simulated Drowning
- [25:12–32:31]
- John breaks down the harrowing “pool comp” test—the psychological centerpiece of SEAL training:
“When you walk into...the combat training tank...it says, over the top...Water will make cowards of us all.” — John [25:47]
- Underwater, instructors repeatedly sabotage trainees’ air, simulating emergencies:
“You have to wait...they tie knots in your hoses...take your weight belt off...You can’t fight back.” — John [25:47]
- The test culminates with “unrecoverable knots” requiring the trainee to breathe with water steadily leaking into his mouth for minutes on end:
“You are hovering on the verge of passing out for the last six or seven minutes. And it’s simulated drowning...Can you stay calm when your body is signaling to you that you’re fucking drowning?” — John [32:27]
- The hosts react in awe, comparing it (jokingly) to their own “hardships”:
“I was a lifeguard in Malden High, so I relate to some of this.” — Jay [32:52]
- John breaks down the harrowing “pool comp” test—the psychological centerpiece of SEAL training:
7. Serving, Deployments, and Life After SEALs
- [33:27–36:35]
- John served two tours, then left the SEALs via medical retirement, highlighting the brutal lifestyle of constant absence and repeated deployments:
"Very few people actually consider what the lifestyle is going to be like in the SEAL teams and it’s fucking brutal.” — John [33:39]
- He addresses the military’s efforts to retain trained SEALs, but explains that despite offers, many depart after their first tour.
- John served two tours, then left the SEALs via medical retirement, highlighting the brutal lifestyle of constant absence and repeated deployments:
8. From SEAL to Viral Storytelling
- [36:35–43:00]
- Post-military, John co-founded the “Elite Meat” charity to help veterans network, but was drawn to social media as “the Wild West.”
- Early content efforts faltered until his TikTok retelling of the Dyatlov Pass mystery went viral (5 million views in one day).
- The hosts joke about his career path:
“So how do you go from that type of lifestyle to hip hop dance?” — Jay (joking about abrupt changes) [35:46]
- John explains his stories are crafted for engagement, often placing the audience in the perspective of victims.
9. The Psychology and Mechanics of Storytelling
- [43:00–44:49]
- MrBallen’s collaborative process (notably with his Pulitzer Prize-winning sister, Evan):
“It’s more like, what is the point of view that the audience will most react to? … putting the audience in the perspective of the victims.” — John [43:02]
- Live shows are modeled after standup comedy, with the success “hinging purely on ability to speak and act on stage.”
- MrBallen’s collaborative process (notably with his Pulitzer Prize-winning sister, Evan):
10. Hosts on MrBallen’s Impact and Conclusion
- [44:49–46:11]
- Both Jay and Bobby admit initially being skeptical, then getting utterly hooked after hearing MrBallen’s stories.
“I can’t believe how engaged you got me...you really know how to pull people in and tell these stories that you didn’t even know happened.” — Jay [45:42]
- They plug the MrBallen Podcast: Strange, Dark, and Mysterious Stories, urging listeners to check it out.
- Both Jay and Bobby admit initially being skeptical, then getting utterly hooked after hearing MrBallen’s stories.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On growing up in Quincy:
“I was involved in a lot of scuffles, many of which resulted in me getting my ass [kicked]...It was like tribal, territorial infighting.” — John [05:34] - On the "riot" at UMass:
“I think I’ve always been like an extreme opportunist in a way, for good and bad. If there’s something to do that’s a decent opportunity, I’m going for it. And it just felt like this is a once in a lifetime moment to be a [rioter].” — John [10:01] - On SEAL training:
“Everything is psychological torture...Water will make cowards of us all.” — John [25:47], [25:47] - On storytelling:
“What’s the point of view that the audience will most react to...putting the audience in the perspective of the victims.” — John [43:02]
Key Timestamps (Content Only)
- [02:06] – MrBallen name origins and early internet persona
- [04:15] – Quincy upbringings and “fight” culture
- [07:39] – College failures and fake academic success
- [09:40–14:54] – Rioting, repercussions, and personal reckoning
- [16:08] – Decision to pursue the military and Navy SEAL aspirations
- [17:56] – Insights into SEAL teams “white side vs. dark side”
- [25:12–32:31] – SEAL pool training, simulated drowning in detail
- [33:37] – Military lifestyle and decision to leave the SEALs
- [36:35] – Transition to civilian life and foray into social media
- [39:09] – Viral breakthrough: Dyatlov Pass story on TikTok
- [41:33–43:02] – Danny LaPlante “living in the walls” story and approach to live storytelling
- [44:49] – Modeling live shows on standup and comedic rapport
- [45:41] – Jay’s testimonial about being “hooked” by MrBallen’s stories
Conclusion
This riveting episode blends dark humor with raw honesty, offering deep dives into elite military culture, the psychology of hardship, true crime storytelling, and the unique power of oral narrative. MrBallen’s tales captivate, while Big Jay and Bobby keep the energy playful and irreverent. Whether you’re a long-time listener or a newcomer lured by the name “Simulated Drowning,” this episode is a masterclass in finding meaning—and internet stardom—through adversity, craft, and a little bit of chance.
Check out:
- MrBallen Podcast: Strange, Dark & Mysterious Stories (SiriusXM, all major platforms)
- Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly’s tour dates via their socials
For fans of: Raw humor, true crime, military tales, and unforgettable, wild-life transformations.