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- [00:00]
A
Let me guess, you might have just wrapped a big launch, hit a revenue goal, crossed a milestone, and instead of feeling lit up, you feel kind of flat. Or maybe you're telling yourself, once I get through this week, once I hit that next number, once I finally take the trip or hire the person, then I'll slow down, then I'll enjoy it. But the goal post is always moving. This episode is for you. It's for the woman who looks like she's crushing it, but never actually feels deep down like she's arrived. Because the truth is you're not chasing success. You are chasing a feeling you have been so disconnected from for such a long time. We are calling this one the Perpetual chase. And it's the pattern where achievement becomes your identity. And enough is always somewhere outside of yourself or somewhere in the future. And no matter what you check off the list, that inner void stays really untouched. So if you have ever wondered why the success isn't landing the way it should, why it's still feels like something is missing, I think this episode is going to hit hard in all the best ways. So let's get into it. We are not here to tell you to want less. We are here to help you remember who you are when you are not constantly trying to prove it. So let's really talk about that. The perpetual chase is one that I'm really excited to talk about because I know for me, I had this full out of body experience after I'd had Noemi. I was, was. She was really young. I went back to work and we had full time childcare and she got her first cold which you know, when it's a baby, I mean, when's your first baby?
- [01:36]
B
Too scary.
- [01:37]
A
It's so scary. And I could hear her crying in the other room. And I was on the Zoom call and it was not the most fun Zoom call. And I had this out of body experience where I like floated out my body and looked, just looked at my life and I was sitting there on my computer, Noemi was in the room next door. But I had this realization of you have everything you've ever, ever wanted. You have a beautiful home, a beautiful marriage, a beautiful healthy child, a business that has built so much abundance. And look at what you're doing. You're avoiding the fact that you have everything you've ever wanted in pursuit of moreness. You've never stopped to acknowledge that you actually have enough or you have what you wanted. That, that was like part of my unraveling year. But when I dug into it I realized from grow, like, we just grew up with absolutely nothing. And I grew up seeing my mum in a really dangerous situation that I, you know, as my young self, I thought to myself, she would never have to be in this situation if she had financial options. And I think that fueled me from a really young age to just go achieve. And I didn't stop to ask myself, when is good good enough there? When is enough enough? When will you just look at what you've got and what you've done and acknowledge that? And it didn't mean my ambition had to stop. But what got me to that point was not going to get me to the next point. And I was still. I was almost still operating my life in business from that child that had nothing.
- [03:01]
B
Yeah.
- [03:01]
A
And that is a really. For me, that was a really unhealthy way to be running my life in business. And it was always. Everything was conditional on other things.
- [03:10]
B
Totally.
- [03:11]
A
And having that realization changed a lot of things for me. And it was like just so many. Everything in my life came crumbling down that year. When I say crumbling down, it was all these. All of these thoughts, these beliefs, these unconscious patterns. Everything just illuminated itself. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. I know you've talked about this too, Alexia, your experience, and I would love if you could share a bit of yours, because I think this is something that a lot of the women listening, they are probably really in it and don't know how to get off that treadmill.
- [03:39]
B
Yeah. And that, that Perpetual chase, that title, it just like, it would be the name of a chapter of, like, the majority of my young adult life. Right. The Perpetual Chase for more, you know, younger. It was more success, more money, more stability. I was in New York City. I was building multiple careers in entertainment and in coaching and all the things. But as I got success and actually hit the metrics, like, I hit the goals that I had set for myself in my 20s. I was living the life that was on my vision board, but it still didn't feel like enough. I remember this was like, not that long ago, probably about four or five years ago. We're making more than a million dollars in multiple businesses. We've got real estate portfolio. We've got investments that are going crazy. I've got a marriage to my husband. It's great. We're traveling the world, like, making an impact with our work. Like, literally tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, checking all the boxes. And I remember going to Preston, like, oh, you know what we should do? We should do Another launch for this thing and then just like, dreaming up more projects and more things, not thinking that, oh, once I get this, then I'll feel great. But not necessarily knowing what was driving it. And what I got there was like, literally, I had this moment. I'm in the kitchen of our townhouse in Playa Vista, where we were all living at the time and literally, like, making something, making the kids dinner, doing the things, checking my phone for this, talking to Preston about this next launch. You and I were launching something at the same time.
- [04:54]
C
You already feel my energy.
- [04:55]
B
Like, ah, Em and I were doing, like, a business course at the same time. And then I was planning a trip to Australia. We were doing a tour of all of our work workshops, and it was like, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. And I remember feeling the word I like to use is crunchy. Like, I remember feeling so, like, just frustrated and crunchy with, like, the workload, the mental load. Like, it just felt like it was never going to stop. And I had a moment where I was like, I don't like the woman that I am. I'm proud of her, Achieved all the things, successful, smart, present. I'm proud of her, but I don't like how she feels. If I don't like how I feel, what is the point of my life? Like, why am I struggling and striving to get to some, you know, amorphous idea of where I finally land and allow myself to feel okay, allow myself to rest? And what I. What I got in that moment, and it was just the beginning of the thread because it was a few years after that I really got it and it really landed was what I got in that moment was the beginning of this idea of the more that I'm searching for, the more that I'm like, the next project, the next idea, the next launch, the next, you know, a hundred thousand dollars in our bank account. It was really. I was searching for more of myself, and I didn't quite fully get it at that moment, but I got that what I was doing wasn't working. And it felt like I would never get off that hamster wheel. And so that really started the journey. And Em and I, like, talked about it at that time in our lives in Playa Vista. It was kind of the beginning of our whole journey into this work where we're like, there's gotta be more than just this constant chase. We started having these, like, really big conversations of like, well, well, who would we be like, if we stopped waiting for our life to enter some stage or Some level of success, like, what would we do? Who would we be? How would show up? What would we prioritize? What would we make time for? And it just fundamentally shifted how we started viewing our lives, and we started taking a more holistic approach. And that, again, it hit me again on, like, such a deeper level when Preston and I were going through our whole relationship unraveling. And it hit me again where I found myself doing something similar, like handling the house, handling the businesses, handling the next launch, handling the admin, handling the kids. And I'm like, I'm crunchy again. Like, I forgot I lost it somewhere along the way. And I don't like how I feel as a woman. And if I had, let's say, 12 months left to live, would I be okay with living from this state? And the answer was no. The answer was absolutely not. And then the next question is, what am I waiting for? Why am I waiting to feel alive? Why am I waiting to feel joy? Why am I waiting for the depth of intimacy I crave, like, now. Now I get to have it now. But first I've got to realize that it's not out there. It's more of this that I want. And I really started to recognize, like, Em and I teach in our work that we have this huge spectrum of range as a woman, right? But most of us are really awesome at this much. Like, 20, 30% max. We're awesome at it, and we do it. We stay in this lane. We stay in this lane. We're good at it. We know it. We're comfortable. We can control it. We know it gets us results. But the issue is we've got 70 to 80% more of ourselves that we have yet to taste. When we have that inner calling for, like, more, more, more, we think, oh, it's more of the thing out here. I need more date nights. I need more sex. I need more attention. I need more money. I need more launches. I need more kids. I need a bigger house. I need more stuff. We think it's this, but really, it's like, our soul going, babe, you're so much more. You're so much more. There's so much more to yourself that you still get to experience. And so that was really, like, when her and I started to go, what are the other aspects, other textures of ourselves that maybe we felt before, but it's been a while, or maybe we've never allowed ourselves to feel at all? What would those pieces of ourselves be? And, like, how can we start playing with them? Yeah.
- [08:35]
C
And a big Piece of that too is like the actually realizing they have value because I think that's such the big piece that keeps us away from that because there's all these extra things like when we're sitting and asking these questions like what would you make space for? And who do you want to be? We're just so conditioned that our value as a woman, especially a woman listen to this podcast and us like we've been saying already before on this podcast. But again it's reiterating all of these patterns make sense because we are conditioned into feeling like our output is what makes us valuable. If we go and just decide to take a dance class, how does that add value to my life? How does that add value to the things I'm trying to move forward? And so a big piece of this is actually starting to realize the full spectrum of like when you do ask that question even of like what gives my life value? And then actually looking at like am I making time and space for that? Am I actually able to express experience any of that? Because it's a big thing that we see come up a lot with our woman is just really actually reprioritizing things that have been put on the shelf and which is most of the time actually them like the whole woman. All of what makes us a full woman in our life. But it is this relearning that they actually it has value like that that rest has value. That like play has value. And then eventually that actually not only does it have value but it can actually add to your bottom line. But not to do it from that place because then it's a strategy. Right? But it' when the more you do it you realize it does. But there can be that clunky kind of reconditioning of like yeah, okay, because but why it doesn't have value. But really realizing it actually has a lot of value. And it's just the conditioning that's been put on us of where our actual value comes from that we have to also re recreate a new relationship with as a woman.
- [10:11]
A
I do think that we grow up with the image of the perfect woman is self sacrificing. Puts everyone before herself and people praise her for that. Is superwoman can handle all the things. And I feel like for me like that was the blueprint I grew up seeing of women just do things it can almost bridge on like they were tried to be martyrs of like I will handle everything for everyone and I'll neglect myself in the process. And that's a badge of honor. And I think that's a really hard pattern to break. I know for myself, that's been a really hard pattern to break because I have seen. Seen so much of my value in what I do for my family, for my friends, for my clients, for everyone outside of me. And seeing the value in being able to prioritize myself has been challenging. And, like, well, is it okay if I'm not making dinner tonight? Is it okay if I'm not doing XYZ has been hard.
- [11:08]
B
It's so hard. Like, I grew up with a very similar blueprint on my dad's side, which is, like, traditional Greek values. The women don't work, they stay home. They take pride in taking care of everybody, the house and the food and all the things. But then my mom, who is not Greek and kind of more of the modern feminist woman, the reason why her and my dad were not together, basically from when I was four, is because she took care of herself. She went out and built businesses. But my Greek family judged her for it. And I said, she's not a good woman. Like, what. What type of mother is she? Like, who. What type of mother goes and works and abandons her kids all day? And so I really had this programming, too. Oh, well, if I'm going to work, I also have to make sure I don't drop anything at home, because what type of woman would I be if I dropped the house or I dropped my husband or I dropped my kids? Like, I have to be perfect here and perfect here. And I think a lot of women, we're holding ourselves to these impossible standards where literally four of us couldn't do the job that one of us is trying to do, and yet we're trying to do it all flawlessly and, like, look good while we're doing it and take care of our health and still be happy and still have sex with our partner. And, like, it's. That's a lot. And I think women, we have to take ourselves out of this idea and this enculturation, really, of who we're supposed to be as women, and ask ourselves, what does success look like for me? Like, where do I stop and go? I arrived. I have made it. I have done the thing I want to do. I've showed up for my family. What is enough? Because when we come from an internal enoughness of I'm okay if I'm not producing, I'm okay if I'm not useful, I'm okay if I'm not, you know, the person bending over backwards, and not only am I okay, but I so worthy. I'm so. Enough. I'm worthy of love. I don't have to earn it, right? I'm worthy of praise, I don't have to do stuff for it. I'm worthy of celebration just for being me. We did not grow up that way.
- [12:54]
C
Yeah. That piece is so big. And that's because that's what we do in our work too, right? Is, is. It's like you're re internalizing your own value system, right? And again, that takes a lot of courage. Like there's a reason also why we don't do it. Because to run a different path, to choose something different, to actually be so anchored in your own truth and your own sense of success is courageous. It can be rebellious because it's having the courage to go like, okay, society tells me all of these things, yet I'm doing this. And actually I still feel so full myself, for example, right? Like I'm late 30s, I'm not married, I don't have children. Like there's a lot of social conditionings that would tell me like I'm not a successful woman, right? But my experience of my life is. I mean, you know, we talk about it all the time. It's like I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have so much fullness, my sense of alignment, truth, trust, connection to spirit, to God, to my body. Like I am like thriving in the most deepest felt sense of the word. The quality of my life is like a 10 out of 10. Right. There's no grasping like all of my actual experience of life. But it also takes courage to be willing to say, I trust my experience of my life is what makes me feel successful, not what somebody else says I should be doing or someone else's perspective. And I think when we, you know, do this deeper work that really lies underneath of everything that we're sharing here, of really becoming that self sourced, sovereign woman who can really trust herself and be guided in her life in this way. The gap is no longer there because we don't need all of that to, like you said, to feel safe, to feel full. We don't need to tickle those boxes anymore because we have, we have that within ourself. We've cultivated our capacity to, to feel that, to hold that within ourselves. And again, it doesn't mean we're not still like, you know, the title of this is the Petrol Chase, because somewhere over there, when I finally have enough, then I'll. It doesn't mean we don't want to still create and have things, but it's just like the place that we move towards them and the context that we actually create from is so different. So again, it's not that we have to drop the ambition and stop trying to, you know, desire love or desire achievement, but the place that we move from towards it is like a 180 difference. Right.
- [14:59]
B
And that's a key piece and there's a quote that I'm going to totally mess up, but I'll do my best. Are you climbing the mountain to be seen at the top? Are you climbing the mountain to see the view from the top? Same action, totally different come from. And when we start to do the deeper healing work, like you're saying, we start to, to unravel and unpack all these insidious and unconscious reasons of why we're pushing, why we think that money over there will make me feel good enough, why I think once I get the partner and the kids and the house, then I'll be considered successful or whatever our story is. We start to unpack the programming and the trauma and the unique concoction that those make in the environment that we grew up in. We start to actually move from sovereignty, choice versus and wholeness.
- [15:43]
C
Yeah, wholeness.
- [15:44]
A
I want to go into this with both of you a little bit deeper because all of us, we live really big lives in very different ways. And I think that's a misconception sometimes is if you are not constantly in the chase for more, if you're content with enough, then will you still be ambitious? And I really think the answer is yes, but it's from a different place. But we all live live full lives in different ways. And Alexi, so starting with you, I mean, at one point you had four under four. So you still, you have young kids, you have a really full life. Can you talk a little bit about that and, and what that looks like to be building and living from this place?
- [16:25]
B
Yeah.
- [16:25]
C
In.
- [16:25]
A
With such a big life.
- [16:26]
B
Such a big life. And that's the thing. So. So I look at my life as a plate, right. And I've got four kids under four at one point now four under seven. I've got multiple businesses. I've got a huge real estate portfolio, I've got an investment portfolio. I've got a couple other businesses that I starting now. It's a big plate. But if I take care of that plate, if I take care of my life, if I ask myself what do I actually want on my plate, like, am I consciously choosing this with intention? Does this feel aligned to who I am. It's a win. But it's only a win if I already say in my life, I've already won, I've already arrived, I'm already killing it. I need nothing else outside of myself. And I people say, oh, that must be nice. Easy for you to say because you already have money, you already have success. But even if I didn't have that, I have amazing healthy children. I'm healthy and vibrant. I have an amazing soul and brain that just are like, let's do this thing called life. And wants to live it so fully. And that drive gets me up. I have an amazing relationship and an amazing husband. I have incredible friends. I'm killing it. And all the other stuff is bonus. And so for me, I really have to arrive in the life that I'm currently living and actually feel I have won. It's one thing to say it, but to feel it is a complete. Like, we were literally two nights ago on the dock in Austin on Lake Austin with a group of friends doing this amazing ceremony for em and we literally had so many moments where we're like, look at our life. Like, we created this. Like, this is magic. It's magic. And we're not making money. We weren't doing anything crazy. We were just sitting together with a group of women on a dock at 10pm at night under the stars and the moonlight in Austin. And it was like, we won. We won. And I think we again, we've been enculturated into this idea that more is better. And I say like, we're always like, yes, and more, please. Always. More is great, but we come from inherent enoughness. And that inherent enoughness actually wants to create more but not create it from I need to create this to feel better. That's scarcity. But create from abundance of like, I'm already enough. What else is there to create? How else do I want to contribute? And that's literally like Preston and I are starting a brand new business and people are like, how are you going to have capacity? It's like we have the energy for it because it's coming from this like excitement of being alive. And that's the piece that I want people to really hear is I've actually taken on more, but I have more space than I've ever had because I'm not. It's not more from scarcity of I've got to get there fast or I've got to get there before somebody else or I've got to make this money right now. It's more from like what would feel really fun to do. And that's this internal energizer that just gets you up in the morning, it allows you to stay up late at night. Like I've been researching stuff at night, night because you feel that excitement from within. And it's not a drive of like, I have to make this work. And granted I have been in seasons of survival and scarcity where I had to make things work. I had to, I had to pay the bills, I had to do X, Y and Z. I'm no longer there. But for those of you like, I have a client right now who's in that I have to do this to make this work. An invitation for anyone who's feeling that is to really go, okay, look at your life right now and find all the abundance surrounding you. You like just go outside, go outside and see the trees, see the clouds, see the sun. Like we are provided for non stop. The more we focus on what we are swimming in, just as a human being, we're swimming in abundance. You can't miss it. The more we start to see it everywhere, the more we're focused on scarcity and survival, the more we start to see scarcity and survival everywhere. So no matter which position you're in, know that you can change the way you're holding it. If you get rid of that hungry goat, the hungry ghost that will never be satiated is the part of you that goes, if I get something out here, I will finally feel enough, safe, worthy, loved, whatever it is. But when you give yourself those gifts of safety, love, worthiness, abundance, when you give it to yourself internally, you already won the game. And then everything else becomes like cherry on top. It's a bonus.
- [20:23]
C
It really is. It's a practice. Like it is a practice and it's, it's really realizing the hypnosis of that story, I think. Really, really realizing. Like ok, for how long have I said it's when I get that, it's when I do that, it's when that I, you know, achieve that, then I'll finally, and like really having that sobering look of realizing, wow, okay. Like, I mean that was the same for me. I remember with my business building and getting media and like getting the TED talk and I was like, okay, yeah, I'm finally, oh yeah, it was coming from that place again. I wasn't aware of it at the time. That hungry ghost of like, okay, now these people know about me, so I'm worthy. Okay, now there's this achievement. So I'm more I can see it so clearly now, but it wasn't as clear then, but that's what was driving it. So it was like again, that hungry void of just. Just not being able to have the capacity to truly be. It's. It's both. It's like not really feeling full and present with our, like ourselves. And then also what then drives that to want to create more. But it is that practice of, you know, we. This is one of the biggest things in the through line of our work of like, your experience of your life is not contingent on your partner changing your job, changing thing over there, like again, because that just keeps our experience of our life perpetually out here. And so it is a muscle. I mean, I felt more present and alive and electric and full vitality in my body and grateful and full and more alive than ever before. I was stepping into more abundance after I shut my business down. Like that context came first, not second. The context was what drove more abundance. That context right now is actually making me feel because. Because this work, it amplifies again and again. It's so, it's. It's so far from a one and done. But that's a beautiful thing because we're not trying to tick a box. The tick a box mentality is what got us there in the first place. So knowing that this journey, this work, this expansion is a forever game that in liberating way because we're just constantly making more space. We're constantly getting to know us more, we're constantly having. Because we actually become more resourceful, not less. Yeah, like this work actually makes us more expanded, not less so it's not a sacrifice. It's actually like, wow, I'm becoming more full. I'm becoming more expanded. I'm becoming more connected to life. We're actually becoming more so. And then our capacity, I'm noticing like now like my vision is like 10xing. It's like, wait, so then if I was able to hold this and create this and like my desire is leading me here. Whoa, okay. That vision and knowing again. Because if you think about moving towards it from a doing, we're inherently limited. We only have a certain amount of energy. We only have a certain amount of time. But when we start to realize that we're expanding our capacity, that we're expanding and like, you know, there's some spiritual aspects to this too, right. Which I'll, you know, we could go into. But even just that, like, we're becoming so much more available for the inherent resourcefulness of life. Like I mean, let's just talk about, like, Beyonce, for example. She's not working more. I mean, she's obviously works really hard, right? But, like, it's not because she's working 10,000 times harder than everybody. There's something within her vessel that said, I can hold more, I can become more. I'm becoming more of a vessel to receive a bigger vision, right? That's not. She doesn't have more hours in the day, but there's something that's said, I'm more full. And so this work is actually making us more full and whole to actually be able to achieve and desire more, not less.
- [23:29]
B
Well, and that goes back to, like, the fundamentals of all the work that we do is really nervous system work, right? And when we're talking about the nervous system, we're talking about building inherent parent safety in the body first. And the reason why most people are on the perpetual chase is because they believe something out here is going to make them feel safe. And safety sometimes looks like love, sometimes looks like more money, sometimes looks like more power or recognition, but it's really safety that we want. And so when we gift ourselves the gift of internal safety, internal enoughness, internal worthiness, we become a powerhouse. We literally unlock our superpowers as a human because we're no longer in survival mode trying to find safety out here. We're like, oh, I've already got safety. So now, boom, all my faculties in my brain are turned all the way on because I'm not in survival mode now. My thinking expands, my capacity expands. I can actually rest and sit back and go, what's here? And our intuition kicks in. We start getting messages and, like, breadcrumbs and God nudges. And things start coming a lot easier because we're more spacious. And we always like to say, like, when you think of a woman who. Who's in that search for safety outside of herself, her energy's kind of like this, right? And it's head down, and she's just in it. She's in it, she's in it. And a woman who's got inherent safety is kind of like this, where she's like, I'm good. There's nothing to get out here. Now I'm just waiting, like, what do I want to receive? What's available to me right now? And life becomes so much juicier because you're like, I can play. This is a game. And it's just a. It's a game of energy and capacity. And if I'm actually in safety, I'm in. In expanded capacity. If I'm in expanded capacity, I could start another business. I can have another baby, I can travel more, I can do more and receive more.
- [25:11]
C
Well, and it's also just, it's. It's also like pulling the thread on the, on the. Even the desire for more. It's not to vilify them more because it's all personal choice, but it's also even taking another look at just the refinement of. Yes. And where does it get to come from? Like, if we think about when we're not able to actually experience what's here, we inherently need more because we can't actually experience what's here. Like, if you think about, like, takeout like this, think about chick Fil a versus a filet mignon. Like, think about the serving size even from that. Right. Or like at a, you know, a big diner. And we're in America right now, right? A big diner. How much more kind of food is required there to maybe like, feel full and satiated because it's not really high quality, but then you take like a beautiful, you know, Michelin star meal and how much more quality you're going to get, how much flavor you're going to get, how beautiful that meal is going to be like that, like how you're going to feel, how full you're going to feel, how satisfying. And so it's also that, like, we need more when we have less capacity to feel what's present, but then. And again, we can still create more, but again, we're creating from our actual capacity to feel what's already here. Not needing more to finally feel, okay, I need more. It's like, okay, like, I can still desire more, but also we, we don't need as much to feel the same way we used to feel like we needed.
- [26:27]
A
Yeah. And what you said too, about allowing yourself to have. Have this bigger vision, that really hit me because I remember, let's say four years ago now, I completely refused to dream big, which I think sounds quite hard for people to believe, looking at.
- [26:42]
C
It's all relative, looking at the business.
- [26:44]
A
That we had built. Yeah, but what I mean by that is I put a full block on growth, and I consciously and unconsciously did that. I said, we cannot grow more. I do not want to increase the revenue. I do not want to increase the teen size and put a full block on growth. And the reason was I knew where I was growing from and I knew I could not sustain that and keep my health and my marriage and my life Intact. And so to me, it was very black or white. It was, you know, the business is as big as I'm able to get it, and I can hold, and then everything else can stay the same. Now what's really interesting is I feel like I am dreaming bigger than I ever have in my life. Price. But I work less than I ever have. And not because I don't like work. It's just because my life is a lot more full now than it was four years ago. You know, I have. I have more on my plate. My plate is bigger than it was back then. Back then, it was all work, working out, and that's it. Like, now it's kids and community and marriage and, like, gardening and just, like, enjoying life. And my vision for my impact and work in the world is bigger than ever. But it comes from a different place. And I don't quite question what it's going to take from me, because I really see it from a different place now. I remember my work was incredibly successful, but it was taking energy from me. Yeah, now my work's successful, but it gives me energy. And there's such a big difference. And there's so much nuance in that, for sure. And I really want us to be able to support women in making that shift. Like, what if your work wasn't burning you out, but was the thing that fueled you so that when you got home at night, you just ran to your husband and you're just, like, so excited and present, and you're so present and play with your kids if that's your thing. Like, what if that was the way? And I know that there's a path to that.
- [28:38]
B
It's possible.
- [28:39]
A
And I also want to touch on what you said, too, around, like. Well, it's all well and good, you three sitting here, you're not in scarcity. You've done X, Y, Z. And I just want to reframe because whenever I'm learning about money, I always want to learn about money from someone that has made a lot of it. And so what I like to reframe in this situation is, is I can tell you I've been invited in all the rooms. Didn't make me feel any more worthy or confident. I've made the money. Didn't make me feel any more good enough. I've done XYZ just like both of you have. And all it did was amplify the fight or flight.
- [29:13]
C
Still not there.
- [29:14]
A
Yeah, it amplified the gap. It amplified how I didn't feel good enough, how I was constantly Seeking validation from other people. It amplified all of it. And I'm so grateful for that person that I was and where she got to. But I just think, think, what if we could just do it in a different way? I can't imagine five years ago walking into certain rooms and just feeling like I belonged. I never did. Now it's different. And I. I feel comfortable saying, no, I'm not going to attend that one. And something else. Partake in priority. Or when I do attend, I'm not overextending to prove I belong in the room.
- [29:45]
B
Yeah.
- [29:46]
A
Trying to make my voice heard because I want to feel like I'm offering value. So for the women listening that are like, yes. And how. Yeah, where do we start? Yeah, because it's big.
- [29:57]
B
It's so big.
- [29:57]
C
But what you said is total reconditioning.
- [29:59]
B
It's reconditioning. It's literally moving from a different place. And again, I want to go back to the nervous system because it really is the foundation here and the answer to all of this. When we feel and have cultivated a relationship with our body, that's number one relationship. I'm going to highlight that relationship with our body, meaning consistency, consistent. We show up for ourselves. We listen to the signals. We're aware of the signals. We allow our body to feel what it's feeling without judgment, without stuffing it down, without making it wrong or feeling shame. We also don't project that energy onto anyone else. We take responsibility for that energy, and we're actually really with that energy. So relationship with the body is huge. Once we have that and as we have that, we start to build safety because now our body goes, oh, you're here. Oh, you're consistent. Oh, you're showing up again. Just like any relationship, the more we show up, the more we're consistent in how we show up. The less judgment, the more compassion, the more empathy. The more love that we show to that relationship, the more trust we build. When we build that trust, we have internal safety. When we have internal safety, we literally go, I don't have to go to that. That event because I already feel enough here. The question is, does it align with my values? Does it align with my time and my space? What's more important? Let me check in with my body. Oh, now we're going to stay home today. And so, again, I think it sounds simple. It really sounds so simple. But it's actually some of the hardest work we'll ever have to do because conceptually we can talk about it all day. But to be in the practice, which we talk about all the time, to be in the practice of actually building that relationship with your body and that trust and safety with your body takes work. And it's not that the work is hard. It's not that it's arduous. And it's going to pull from your life. It's going to add so much vitality, so much abundance, so much presence, so much magic to your life, because you have unlocked a superpower that most of us have just been sitting on for decades and being like, oh, this whole thing. And then we unlock it and we're like, how have I not been in this body for my whole life? Like, this has been the answer to everything. Everything. And so for any woman listening that you're thinking, you know, I. I do actually think it's the money. I do actually think it's being in the rooms. I do actually think it's the TED talks and being on stages. We're here to remind you, hear it from us. We've had those things. They feel good for a second. And then you're back in yourself. And if you are ignoring the self that you live in, you're going to keep searching for it out here. And the game is really to check in and go, okay, if. Let's just say I've arrived. Let's just say I won the game. Let's just say my life is perfect right now. Let's just pretend. Pretend. What would be different? How would I live? What would I do? How would I show up with my kids if I had all the money in the world? If it's money that you think is going to solve your problems, okay, pretend you have $40 million in the bank. What would you do different? How would you show up? How would you serve your family, your community, yourself? What would you do? How would you feel? What would you give yourself permission to be in life? And again, coming back, I had that realization of myself. Like, I don't like the woman I am in my life. Proud of her. She's awesome, she's successful, she's kind, she's in integrity. But she doesn't feel alive life. She doesn't feel potent. She doesn't feel vital. When am I going to give myself permission to feel that way? When I'm 65, when I've ticked 20.
- [33:04]
A
More bucks, I've left school and I.
- [33:06]
B
Like, when my kids are 18, like, when am I going to give myself permission to feel like, oh, I love who I am as a woman, and I feel that. Like, I actually feel it, it's not a concept. I feel it.
- [33:18]
C
Yeah, the, the. The distinction between concept and felt experience is so major. And it kind of loops back even to what we were saying about doing the work. Like even if people are out there feeling like they're doing the work, but nothing's sh. We get that a lot with our high achieving women. And it was us cuz for years we were doing the work, doing everything we thought we needed to do. But it didn't feel different. We're still in the same cycles. We didn't have that felt experience of our life. But it is that distinction of really making sure again, why you can't approach this work from the way you've probably approached everything and trying to fix and get it done and tick a box. It has to be a felt experience. It's not just sort of sitting down and going, you know, moving through it in your head did. It's actually really making sure like making the committed experience to actually be in the experience of okay, can I actually feel my body? And again, you might not at first. You might feel numb, you may feel nothing. But like staying with the practice to build that muscle. Because again, this is a really important distinction for what we're talking about because otherwise you could think you're doing the work for the rest of your life. But if we're not actually including the body, if we're not actually in this felt experience, then we don't make, make the space. So really being as intentional as you can about that distinction is huge. That's what shifted for us when we finally actually realized we needed to actually feel the experience we were going through. And again, that's it. Again, it makes sense why sometimes we don't want to do it. Because when we make that commitment, there's a lot of stuff in here that doesn't feel very good. Right. Whilst the work is simple, it also does require us to actually face off with pieces there. It's not always pretty. It's not. And it's a part of what cultivates, creates this deep sense of both safety but also deep worthiness. Because you realize through this practice that you can hold yourself through the fire, you can hold yourself through that discomfort, you can feel hard things. You can actually be with like okay, I'm gonna be with this experience. And through doing that, it actually starts to become a practice you can really start to enjoy. And it actually builds. It really is what builds that unshakable power and, and self worth that is no longer contingent on all of those things. So it stops that perpetual chase because you're actually building that so powerfully from within because you're like, I respect this woman, I trust this woman. I can hold myself. I've got me through this discomfort, through all of it. And that really, again, that's what, you know, just kind of looping back to your example around the plate. It's like we're not, like we're actually, we're expanding the plate with this, right? We're expense literally, like we're expanding our capacity. So again, with that piece we can hold more, right? The things that we had in there now take it back. Less space on the plate because the plate is bigger. So we can actually put more on there because it's not going to, like you said, require what it used to require of us to hold because we have more capacity. So now you can grow a bigger business because you know it's not going to pull as much of you in because you have a bigger capacity within yourself. So.
- [36:06]
B
And you're not over functioning to try and make it work because you have to prove who you are. You're like, I know who I am now. How do I want to do this? I'm going to do it more holistically, I'm going to do it with more intention. I'm going to do the things that feel really true and alive for me and not the things I have to do for people to go, oh, she's so smart or she's so successful or whatever the case may be.
- [36:24]
A
And so just as we're wrapping this up, I think it'll be amazing for any of you listening, maybe after this episode, pull out a journal and write down, I already have X, Y, Z, whatever those things are. You notice yourself externally hooking into the money or like, I already have the money or I already feel good enough or I already have a relationship. Yeah, whatever it is. And write from that place. Like one thing I love to do is just I write as if I'm going about my day. You know, you wake up, what are your interactions like? What are you doing throughout the day? What does the texture of your life feel like? And think about the buckets, you know, your health, your work, your relationships. Like all of those areas right from that place. And we'll see you in the next episode because it's about to get even better. If you've been chasing milestone after milestone, launch after launch, thinking the next one will finally make you feel complete, fulfilled or free, I want you to know there's another way. We have put together a free 60 minute masterclass called Softs and Success and it is where we are sharing the frameworks that helped us get off the hamster wheel not by scaling down our ambition, but by really realigning how we measure success in the first place. This is not about doing less to balance more, it's about learning to lead from alignment, not urgency to feel like you've already arrived without losing your edge. You can Register now@bossu.com softsuccess this work has fundamentally changed everything for us and if you are really ready to stop chasing and start actually living the life that you've built, come and join us. We would absolutely love to see you there. Wait wait, wait. Before you go, I would love to send you my 7 figure CEO operating system completely free as a gift. All you've got to do is leave us a review on this podcast because it really supports the growth of this show. This is my digital masterclass where I'll show you what my freedom based daily, weekly and monthly schedule looks like as an eight figure CEO, mama and high performer. And I'll walk you through step by step how to create this for yourself. It includes a full video training from me and a plug and play spreadsheet to literally create your own operating system. It's one of our best trainings and it's worth $1,997. But I will unlock access for you for free. Free. When you leave us a review. I know, wild right? All you have to do is leave your review on the podcast, take a screenshot of it and then head over to bossbab.comreview to upload it and then you'll get instant access to the seven figure CEO operating system. Again, head over to BossBab.comreview to upload your screenshot and get access. We are so so grateful for all of your support and can't wait to hear how the podcast has supported you.