Podcast Summary: Bossbabe Podcast Episode 484

Title: The Real Reasons Successful Women Struggle with Intimacy with Sex Therapists Vanessa & Xander
Host: Natalie Ellis
Guests: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: September 25, 2025

Episode Overview

Natalie Ellis sits down with sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander Marin to have an open, raw, and practical conversation about why high-achieving women often struggle with intimacy. The discussion delves into societal pressures, gender roles, managing mental load, practical transitions from work to intimacy, the impact of breadwinning dynamics, and actionable strategies to rekindle desire and connection in relationships. The couple shares both professional insights and their own lived experiences, offering tactics that listeners can apply immediately—plus a dose of humor and normalization around these often-taboo topics.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Unique Intimacy Struggles of High-Performing Women

• Societal Myths and Expectations:
  Many ambitious women feel accomplished in every area except their sex lives, which often remains “on the back burner.” Vanessa notes, “There are a lot of different dynamics that feed into it, but a big one is just that we are all so behind when it comes to sex. Sex is still a very taboo topic.” (02:03)

• Vanessa’s Personal Experience:
  Despite her expertise, Vanessa shares her own struggles: “I faked orgasms with every partner for the vast majority of my sex life. I struggled to initiate sex, to communicate what I wanted. So I understand that struggle as well.” (02:46)

2. Masculine/Feminine Energy and the Need for Intentional Transition

• Energy Transition:
  High-performing women often stay in 'go-go-go' (masculine) mode after work. Xander says, “You can't go from... super duper work mode into... super sexy and receiving. There has to be some transition time.” (05:48)

• Practical Transition Rituals:
  Vanessa introduces a two-stage transition process: (1) Come back home to yourself (pause, breathe, find solitude for a moment), (2) Reconnect emotionally with your partner (ask a deeper question, share physical touch). She suggests: “Even just 60 seconds... can make you feel even 10% more in your own skin.” (07:54)

  • Sample Rituals: Deep breaths, a quick solo dance, a silent car ride, a 10-minute cuddle, or a “question of the day” from their card deck. (09:15)

• Memorable Quote:
  “I think so many of us have this idea that we should just be able to close the bedroom door and make that instant transition, but it’s impossible.” – Vanessa (07:37)

3. Gender Roles & The Rise of Female Breadwinners

• Dynamics are Changing:
  Vanessa: “I don’t think females becoming breadwinners... has negatively impacted intimacy. It introduces a different kind of dynamic that a lot of people aren’t used to.” (12:30)

• Role-Reversal Stress:
  Xander describes the unease: “It rattled us to our core to switch roles like that... I started freaking out inside, what value am I bringing as a partner, as a man?” (13:38)

• Overcoming Socialization:
  They stress open communication: “Often when we just vocalize something, rather than keeping it inside our own head, it loses a lot of its power.” – Xander (15:41)

4. The Mental Load & Its Effect on Desire

• Defining Mental Load:
  “Mental load refers to the invisible mental labor that goes into running a household and family... There’s so much mental load in your brain that you feel like you don’t have space for anything else.” – Vanessa (21:00)

• Building Resentment:
  “That dynamic very quickly turns to simmering resentment. Good luck getting turned on when you feel resentful.” – Xander (23:11)

• Practical Solution:

  • Make the invisible visible: List all household/relationship tasks, split mental and physical load fairly, and assign clear ownership. (24:15)
  • Use tools like the “Fair Play” card deck for structure (28:33).
  • Vanessa: “84% of people said they don’t feel their partner sees and appreciates everything they do.” (26:46)

5. Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy: The ‘GET’ Technique

• GET: Gratitude, Eye Contact, Touch (29:20)
  • Gratitude: Most powerful predictor of marital satisfaction, call out and voice daily appreciation (31:11).
  • Eye Contact: “Just making an effort to look at them when they come into a room... feels vulnerable and intimate.” – Vanessa (31:50)
  • Touch: Break the pattern that all touch leads to sex; introduce 30-second hugs and 6-second kisses for oxytocin and connection (32:34).

6. Rekindling Desire & Changing the Initiation Narrative

• Desire is Overrated:
  “A lot of us are sitting around waiting to feel the desire for sex... we actually believe desire is highly overrated. Having willingness and intentionality about sex is so much more important.” – Vanessa (33:44)

• Change How You Initiate:
  Instead of “Do you want to have sex?” try “Are you open to connecting later?” and give advance notice, shifting from pressure to partnership. (34:46)

• Helpful Reframe for Men:
  “We are co-creating desire together… who cares if you’re wildly turned on in the moment, you can talk about having sex later.” – Xander (36:49)

7. Foreplay Starts Long Before the Bedroom

• All-Day Foreplay:
  “We think foreplay starts the moment that you stop having sex. That’s when you’re starting foreplay for the next time.” – Vanessa (39:26)
  • Flirty texts, acts of kindness, helpfulness, and small gestures all count.
• For Men Worried About Performance:
  “You gotta just lay it all on the table and talk about, all right, hey, I’m feeling a little worried that in some random moment later I might not be able to get turned on.” – Xander (41:06)

8. Healthy Communication About Porn

• No One-Size-Fits-All:
  Vanessa: “There’s nothing inherently wrong with getting turned on watching other people have sex… but there are a lot of issues with the porn industry and how porn is consumed. Be thoughtful and talk openly.” (42:48)

9. Handling Rejection

• Do’s and Don’ts:
  • Do: Respond gently and share your real feelings (“I want to connect, but my mind is spinning, I know I won’t be present how we both deserve.”)
  • Suggest alternatives: offer a walk or cuddle instead of just a blunt no (48:05).
  • Acknowledge the vulnerability in initiating.

10. Navigating Postpartum & Dry Spells

• Sexual Inertia:
  “When we are having sex regularly, it just feels easy to keep having it; but once we stop... every day that goes on it feels harder and harder.” – Vanessa (50:42)
• Ease Back In:
  • Redefine sex beyond intercourse; go back to basics, “rounding the bases.”
  • The “First Pancake Rule:” Lower the bar, the first time may be awkward (54:14).
  • Ignore arbitrary timelines; research suggests it takes on average 2 years postpartum to feel fully yourself again sexually (56:05).

11. How Often Is ‘Normal’? Quality > Quantity

• No Magic Number:
  Polled data: Most fall between 2-3 times a month and 2-3 times a week—no big difference in satisfaction across this range (57:41).
• Focus on Quality:
  “When the quality is generally high, most people fall into a pattern of having sex somewhat more frequently or a more natural pattern because it’s something they’re both looking forward to.” – Xander (59:17)

12. Upping Your Sex Game – Practical Guidance

• ‘Deeper’ Membership:
  Vanessa and Xander offer a membership for couples with step-by-step guides, techniques, and conversation tools to spark both emotional and physical intimacy (60:55).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Sex still feels like this really taboo topic. So I love hearing you say this is practical, I can do this. It's not some big scary unknown thing. It's really just... you can do it.” – Vanessa (44:36)
• “Get all the rules and requirements... flesh out the job description [of home life], at the very least, to set both people up for success.” – Xander (27:35)
• “Foreplay starts the moment that you stop having sex.” – Vanessa (39:26)
• “We are co-creating desire together.” – Xander (36:49)
• “84% of people said they don’t feel their partner sees and appreciates everything they do.” – Vanessa (26:46)
• “The first pancake’s always a little weird. Sex can be like that too.” – Vanessa (54:14)
• “Satisfaction doesn’t come down to a number; it comes down to feeling seen, connected, and intentional.” (57:57)

Practical Tactics & Takeaways

• Transition rituals (2-step, 60 seconds each) for shifting from work to intimacy
• ‘GET’ technique for daily emotional closeness
• Split the mental load intentionally and appreciatively
• Change how you talk about and initiate sex
• All-day foreplay: kindness, words, anticipation
• Discuss boundaries and your relationship to porn
• Approach rejection gently, with empathy and alternatives
• Postpartum: Communicate openly, lower the bar, ease in, broaden what counts as intimacy
• No magic sex number—prioritize quality connection over frequency

Where to Find Vanessa & Xander

• Instagram: @vanessaandxander
• Membership/Resources: vmtherapy.com/bossbabe (special Bossbabe offer)

For more practical guides and couple tips, follow Vanessa & Xander on Instagram or check out their membership program, Deeper.

This summary skips advertisements, intros/outros, and focuses strictly on the episode’s substantial content with key timestamps and actionable insights.