Brett Cooper (11:33)
And you can literally see the kids when they come back. They're so excited. Like, this hasn't been a terrifying experience. They feel confident, they feel secure. They're so proud to come back and show their parents what they were able to accomplish. That's something the parents should be striving for. That's an incredible gift to give your children. I mean, this is like, the exact type of thing that my mom would do with me. I distinctively remember because I was so shy. As I've talked about before, I would literally, like, hide in the cupboard. If you guys watched my Shawn Ryan interview, I would literally hide in cupboards, close the door. I was so, so quiet. I didn't want to speak to anybody. Like, if I was with my family, that would be a totally different thing. But I was very, very reserved when I was, like, five or six years old. And my mom was like, this is a problem. This is not going to work out in adulthood. So she would, you know, take me to 711 to Goodwill, wherever we were, and she would give me, like, five to $10 and say, okay, I want you to go in there, and you're gonna get my Diet Coke. She loved Diet Coke. And you can get a snack for yourself, but you need to find the item that you want. You need to go and check out. You need to bring back. And I remember, like, sobbing at the idea of doing that. And then, you know, the challenges, we didn't really call them challenges. It was just things that she did. Like, they progressed. Like, I, you know, then started an acting career. And I remember there was one time where I was in an acting class, and it really didn't fit. Like, I was having a really hard time. I wasn't really responding to the people. I had had some kind of conflict with the teacher, where I was made to feel Uncomfortable. And I basically came home and I was like, I don't want to go again, I don't want to go again. And my mom was like, okay, well then you need to tell her. You need to express yourself and, you know, go without me because you are, you know, a young adult, you're a tween, you need to go tell her. And I literally, I sat in the car, sobbed, don't make me do it, don't make me do it. I was a very dramatic child, is how I ended up being an actor. But like literally full on tantrum with the idea of having to go in and do something by myself, confront somebody, stand up for myself. And my mom was like, sorry, you gotta be independent. You gotta learn how to deal with these things yourself. This is a very safe environment. This is somebody who cares about you. They're not gonna hurt you, but you do have to go do this by yourself. That was an incredible gift that my mom gave me throughout my childhood. And I would not be the same person had she not taken those steps, had she not felt uncomfortable as a mother, I'm sure watching her child cry and be so scared. But she stuck with it and I am better for it. And I guarantee that all of these children whose parents are doing the Independent challenge will be better for it. And this whole idea, really, it goes back so much further than just Jonathan Haidt. I mean, of course my mom was doing this 10 years ago. Other parents were doing this, you know, 10, 15 years ago. It was very normal. But he has such a prolific voice right now, so I think a lot of people look to him. But we also need to talk about his co founder of his organization, Let Grow. Her name is Lenore Skinazi and she is the founder of the Free Range Kids movement which works very closely with Jonathan Haidt and his work. And you might remember her, if you were paying attention to the news at this time, as the mom who came to fame 15 years ago for letting her nine year old child ride the subway by himself. This is a headline from a 2015 op ed that she wrote about it. And she said, I let my 9 year old ride the subway alone and I was labeled as America's worst mom. We are having a hysterical moment in our society, she writes. We believe that children are in danger every single second that they are unsupervised. And I just want you to listen to this first line. Two Maryland parents stand accused of doing the unthinkable. They trusted their kids 10 and 6 to walk home from the park the Children got about halfway there when somebody saw them and called the cops for this. The parents, Danielle and Alexander, had been visited by the police and Child Protective Services. Their kids were interviewed at school without their consent and CPS even threatened to take their children away because they walked home from the park unsupervised. That is their crime. I mean that is an insane and major overcorrection that we are seeing in our society. And this is a story that Lauren knows well. She then goes into her own story saying this is all because we were having this hysterical moment in our society. We believe that children are in danger every single second that they are unsupervised. I learned this firsthand six years ago when I let my nine year old ride the subway alone. We live in New York and I wrote a column about it. Two days later I found myself decreed as, quote, america's worst mom on the Today show, msnbc, Fox News and npr. That might be the one time that MSNBC and Fox News agreed on something and that was 15 years ago. That weekend I started my Free Range Kids blog to explain my philosophy. Obviously I love safety. My kid wears a helmet, got strapped into car seats, always wears his seatbelt. But I don't believe the kids need a security detail every time they leave the house. When society thinks they do and turns that fear into law, loving rational parents get arrested. And that is not hyperbolic, that is reality. And the stories that she has shared over the years on her blog are like genuinely nothing short of shocking and eye opening. Like these she wrote. Over the summer, a South Carolina mom who sent her nine year old to play in a popular park was arrested for not supervising her child. She was held overnight in jail. The mother was and her daughter spent 17 days as a ward of the state. Another example she cited was that in the fall an Austin, Texas mom who let her six year old play outside within view of the house was also visited by the cops and then tried protective services. CPS interviewed the kids individually and even asked her 8 year old daughter if she had ever seen movies with people's private parts. The mom told me so my daughter, who didn't know things like that existed, does now. Thank you cps. I mean again, an insane overcorrection. This mom could watch. She was watching her children play. She was within eyesight and that still happened. And this was 10 years ago and we are still hearing stories like this. I mean Lauren and all of these parents were up against the exact same paranoia that good parents are facing today. And I'm clarifying good, because allegedly leaving your three kids at a McDonald's to go do a drug deal is different than, you know, intentionally encouraging parent assisted confidence and independence. I think we all can acknowledge that nuance there. Now, another thing that has stood out to me as I've been watching all of this unfold is that it is not just all parents up against law enforcement in the government, it's parents up against parents. Now, I mentioned this in the introduction, but my good friend Alex Clark, who hosts the Culture Apothecary podcast, she has been talking about this issue all week on her social media. And she has gotten reamed online by parents in her own community who listen to her podcast, who follow her on social media for pushing this idea that they believe is so dangerous and unsafe and out of touch. But she has held strong all week long. I mean, it's probably 10 days at this point, because she knows that this is a root cause of so many of the issues that our society and our children are facing today. And I commend her for sticking through that because, I mean, the comments that she's been getting have been insane. And so now, over a week later, after some of these parents have taken the time to go, you know, kind of reflect, do some of the research, watch the videos that Alex has been posting on her social media. They've actually come around and now they're DMing her and commenting and saying really sorry for my emotional reaction. You're actually right. I should, you know, try doing this for my kids. I mean, it's kind of like the parents who come around to good ranchers after years of eating mediocre grocery store meat, they know the better option. And that better option is good ranchers. Good ranchers puts American values first, just like we all do. And their meat is born, raised and harvested right here in the United States from local family farms so that you know exactly where your meat is coming from and the quality that you can expect. It is free from hidden additives. So no antibiotics ever, no added hormones, no seed oils in their chicken nuggets, which I was literally eating before I came on screen. Just simple, trustworthy ingredients that you can feel good about feeding your family. And to make it even better, these products are delivered straight to your door. With goodranchers.com, everything you need to create delicious meals is just a click away. And@goodranchers.com you can also check out my exclusive box that Alex and I curated with all of our favorite things that we eat throughout the week. And I love this box because you get to try a little bit of everything, including their amazing pork chops, which might be my favorite thing the Good Ranchers has ever said. And@goodranchers.com Brett, you can also check out my exclusive box that Alex and I curated based on the things that we eat in our house every single week. Their pork chops are in there, which that is just the best thing that Good Ranchers has ever sent me. You get to try that with the brats, with the steaks. It's incredible. So go to goodranchers.com Brett to shop my box today. And if you want a deal on top of that, right now Good Ranchers is running their spring into action deal, which means that if you subscribe to any of their boxes, but preferably the Bread Cooper box, you will get free bacon, free ground beef seed, oil free chicken nuggets or salmon in every single order for a year. You get to pick which one you want. That is free meat for an entire year. Plus you will get $40 off when you use my code Brett at checkout. That is high quality, clean protein in every order delivered to your door for free for an entire year. Again, visit goodranchers.com Brett to check out my box. And don't forget to use my code Brett at checkout to claim your free meat and $40 off. Now, speaking of researching and finding better items for your families, as I was researching all of this, I started to think about other cultures because obviously, you know, I'm in America, I think through an American lens, but I wanted to think outside of that box and I was really interested. Like, are people as terrified as Americans are? Are they so concerned with basically keeping their children in bubble wrap for 18 years straight? And I learned that no, no, that is not the case. This is not how things work in a majority of the world. Like take Japan for instance. This was the most interesting thing I learned. This culture values independence from a young, young age. It is a core tenet of their entire society. And my favorite thing that I stumbled upon that I just cannot wait for you guys to go and watch is the fact that all of this is highlighted in a long running. I mean like 25 year long reality show called Old Enough and it is based in Japan. It's a Japanese show, but you can watch it on Netflix now. And it depicts young Japanese children running errands for the first time. And it is so adorable. It is hilarious. Please watch this clip. It's humor, it's funny, it's entertainment. But again, this speaks to a much deeper issue of what is actually going on in Japan's culture and what they value. Take a watch. I mean, it's just that every single episode, it's tiny little humans and they're being secretly recorded by these camera crews as they go back and forth to the store. Oh no, I forgot the curry. I need to order this pho. Oh my God, I forgot the cabbage. And they just go back and forth. You see them crossing the street. I mean, it is just pure comedy. But it is also such a far cry from what we're seeing in the US where parents are literally getting arrested for their kids being out of their sight for an hour. And yes, because I had this question, I'm sure that you guys will too. This is not just fodder for a reality show. According to Japanese people on Reddit, this actually happens. This is what they said as they were discussing the show. One person said, we sent each of our kids on their first errand a month or so before elementary school started. It was part of getting them used to their neighborhood and surroundings and so on. Another person said, it's definitely not unusual to see scores of elementary school age kids going to and from school as well as just running around the neighborhood being kids. Another person said, I remember my mom sent me to buy bread and the guy asked me salt or sugar bread. I started crying and went back home running. This show is awesome by the way. Now, all of that being said, even though I'm incredibly happy that this actually does happen, it's important to note that in Japan it's not just about being without your parents and walking to school alone and running errands alone, but this independence and this responsibility is fostered on every single level. Not just in the home, not just with these errands, but also in school and in extracurriculars. One Bloomberg article was writing about this and they said this assumption is reinforced at school, where children take turns cleaning and serving lunch instead of relying on staff to perform such duties. This quote distributes labor across various shoulders and rotates expectations while also teaching everyone what it takes to to clean a toilet, for instance. Taking responsibility for shared spaces means that children have a pride of ownership and understand in a concrete way the consequences of making a mess, since they will have to clean it up themselves. This ethic extends to the public space more broadly, one of the reasons why Japanese streets are generally so clean. A child out in public knows that he can rely on the group to help in an emergency, so they foster from a young age this responsibility, not just for themselves and their own person, but for the world around them, for the people around them, for the things that they do in life that they will then have to face the consequences for, even if it is as small as spilling a drink that you then have to clean up yourself because the staff member isn't gonna come and do it for you. And so knowing that and actually seeing it in action where it works, means that this conversation is so much bigger than just having your kids doing things alone in public or doing dangerous things safely. As Jordan Peterson often says, it is about instilling responsibility at every level and encouraging maturity even at a young age. Maturity is often looked at as such a bad thing in our culture. Like, oh, you had to grow up so quickly, you're so mature. I think that that is a good thing for young people. Obviously it needs to be age appropriate, but we should be encouraging that. I mean, whether that is helping around the house or at school, caring for your younger siblings when your parents are busy, or even getting a job as a teenager, which is so crazy that that feels controversial or revolutionary. But it has become that American teens working just like normal jobs after school, part time jobs that was on a decline for decades. It is only in the last couple of years, I think, due to economic insecurity, that that has changed. And just think about that. An entire generation was pumped into the workforce after college with no legitimate work experience, not having to show up somewhere or punch a clock or be responsible for their work or respond to an authority that was not their parent or their teacher. And while I think that a lot of parents thought that they were doing the right thing and that this was a gift they were giving their kids, that it was a privilege that they didn't have to work, that they were, you know, protecting them, allowing them to be kids, that only hurt their kids and it hurt society as a whole. I mean, this had a detrimental effect on our culture and it has now driven even more protective parenting styles and a massive overcorrection and outrage anytime these people see a young person working or doing something independently. Like, there are so many stories of young teens who have been blasted on social media for working part time jobs. Like people go into Burger Kings or Dairy Queens or McDonald's and they take pictures of kids working, or they find parents posting about kids working on social media and they basically go, oh my God, this is a travesty. This is so appalling. How could Donald Trump have done this? That the economy is so bad that now the children have to work? This is so abusive. This is so awful. And it's a 14 year old working the cash register at McDonald's. And they literally think that this is some kind of child labor controversy when 20 years ago this was completely normal. And so I think the major takeaway here in looking at how our society responds and supports and how that differs from other cultures like Japan, is that these cultural norms, they help parents shape their children's independence. And it is far from being supported here in the US and the reason for that, the reason that is almost always cited, is crime. People always point back to crime. Like Jonathan Haidt said in that clip that we watched at the beginning of this episode, they say the world is different than we were kids. It's far more dangerous. Kids can't play outside because of everything that we've seen on social media and in the news. It's so dangerous, we just can't do it. But we have to ask, is this really as big of an issue as we have been told or as we have just been conditioned to think? Because violent crime against children has actually been on a decline since the 90s. And yes, there was a crime surge in the 70s that made everybody feel paranoid, but in the 90s it dropped and it has been on a steady decline since then. In fact, between 1993 and 2019, violent crime against children decreased by 67%. But even since then, the numbers have continued to decrease. The Bureau of Justice Statistics wrote the rate of non fatal violent victimization of persons ages 12 to 17 declined 85% in the 30 years from 1993 to 2022, based on the BJS's National Crime Victimization Survey. Now, I do want to acknowledge that there was a slight increase amidst the crime surge of COVID in 2020, but the broader trend over the last 30 years does show a significant decline. But of course, we also have to ask if we're being honest about this, we're having integrity in trying to examine this. You know, is that because our society is getting better? Is that because crime has actually decreased? Or is it because parents aren't letting their kids outside so they're not putting them in harm's way to begin with? Now, we don't have a firm answer there. I don't know if that can even be studied. But what we do know, just on a whole, is that reducing independence out of fear is not a net positive. And there is a way to keep your children safe and out of harm's way while still encouraging their autonomy. Because what we're doing now, this is Only hurting younger generations. It is setting them up for decades of failure and anxieties in adulthood, which is what Jonathan Haidt wrote about in his entire book. And, of course, the alternatives to all of this are no better. The alternatives are that parents just drop their kids in front of screens 24 7. And that is not any less dangerous, in my opinion, because instead of playing outside or walking to the park or doing whatever kids have normally done in history, they are handed iPhones and iPads and laptops and video games, and they are encouraged to stay sheltered. They are encouraged to stay inside in this little digital bubble. And not a single study that has ever been done on this subject points to children having heavily online and digital lives helping their development in any way. It doesn't even stay stagnant. It always harms. It impacts language skills, it impacts interpersonal relationship skills and focus and confidence and mental health. And that alone is before you even start exploring the risks of cyberbullying and exposure to pornography at a young age, which is a huge issue on Instagram. And, of course, online trafficking. That is the biggest risk for children in 2025. I mean, in 2018, it was found that 90% of trafficking victims met their abusers online. That is a direct pipeline. And I'm not trying to scare everybody and say, oh, my God, it's dangerous outside, it's dangerous inside. But you do have to acknowledge the reality of the world that we live in, and that this is where the majority of crime against children is happening. And yet parents are thinking that this is the safer alternative, but we don't really know if it is. And so if you are intentionally keeping your children in bubble wrap, as I like to say, or hindering their independence out of fear, out of risks, the monitoring that you should also be doing, or maybe focusing even more on in 2025 should start with your child's online life, not following them around the playground out of fear. And so the lesson that I hope to leave you all with is that pushing yourself and your kids, that is a good thing. And of course, you have to do those risky things safely, as Jordan says. But humans need responsibility. We need autonomy. We need to learn all of those things in order to flourish. We need to be independent and resilient. And that starts in childhood. It is nearly impossible. It's not easy to learn that as an adult. You have to start that at a very young age. And so, everyone, I encourage you to go pick up John, because it is just incredible. I think it speaks to so many of the issues that are going on in our world right now. Read the Free Range Kids Blog Take part in the Independent Challenge if you have young kids and find ways in your day to day lives to assist your kids in developing this confidence and this competency that is just so vital. I also don't want this episode just to be for parents. I'm not even a parent, so maybe I shouldn't even be speaking to you about this. But I also think this is something that I need to hear sometimes that young adults need to hear. Like what can I, bread at 20, 23 years old be doing to encourage buoyancy in my life? How can I continue to develop that resilience in my day to day life? Like, this is the way that we all learn to weather lifestorms. This is how we become flexible and grounded. And again, that doesn't come easily. You learn all of this through very calculated and intentional and safe growth and discomfort. Discomfort is just part of life. It is a necessary part of childhood. And with the story that we saw unfold on X last week, even though the facts are a bit murky, maybe not that great, but the fact that people responded with a huge outrage about safetyism and wanting children to have more autonomy, that gives me so much hope that our society is finally waking up to this once again. And I promise you we will all be better for it.
