Podcast Summary: "How To Set Boundaries With Terri Cole"
The Candy Valentino Show
Host: Candy Valentino
Guest: Terri Cole
Release Date: December 23, 2024
Introduction
In the episode titled "How To Set Boundaries With Terri Cole," Candy Valentino welcomes back Terri Cole, a renowned therapist and author, to delve into the intricate dynamics of high functioning codependency (HFC). The conversation centers around understanding codependency beyond traditional stereotypes, establishing healthy boundaries in personal and professional spheres, and leveraging these insights to enhance leadership and prevent burnout.
Understanding High Functioning Codependency (00:57 - 04:46)
Terri Cole introduces the concept of High Functioning Codependency (HFC), a term she coined to describe individuals who are highly capable and successful yet overly invested in others' outcomes to the detriment of their own well-being.
- Definition: HFCs are "overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the circumstances, situations, finances, careers, all the things of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace" (02:23).
- Common Traits:
Terri emphasizes that many capable individuals may not recognize their codependent behaviors because the traditional concept of codependency is often associated with stereotypes that do not resonate with high achievers.
Recognizing Codependency Patterns (04:46 - 09:02)
Candy and Terri discuss the origins of HFC patterns, questioning whether societal expectations, such as the pressure on women to be agreeable and self-sacrificing, contribute to these behaviors.
- Origin of Patterns:
- Terri’s Insight: HFCs often reject the label of codependency because it doesn't align with their self-image as independent and successful (02:23).
Setting Healthy Boundaries (09:02 - 14:19)
The conversation shifts to practical strategies for setting boundaries to mitigate HFC tendencies.
- Resentment Inventory: Terri introduces a tool called the resentment inventory, which helps individuals identify areas where they may be over-serving others:
- Example: Feeling resentful when a mother visits without notice, prompting the individual to recognize their own role in not addressing the issue (09:53).
- Steps to Setting Boundaries:
- Identify sources of resentment.
- Assess personal responsibility.
- Implement specific boundary-setting actions (09:53).
- Terri’s Advice: Encourage proactive communication and specific requests to prevent overstepping (09:02).
High Functioning Codependency in Leadership and Business (14:19 - 26:12)
Candy and Terri explore how HFC behaviors manifest in leadership and business environments and their impact on team dynamics.
- Impact on Teams:
- Strategies for Leaders:
- Clear Expectations: Establish and communicate clear job expectations and boundaries (31:25).
- Delegation: Trust team members to handle responsibilities without excessive oversight (31:25).
- Proactive Documentation: Implement processes and documentation to systematize business operations and reduce emotional strain (31:25).
- Terri’s Quote: “I think that what you think, how you feel, and what you want has to matter to you” (37:03).
Preventing Burnout Through Boundary Management (26:12 - 37:55)
The discussion highlights the connection between HFC behaviors and burnout, emphasizing the importance of self-care and boundary maintenance.
- Burnout Indicators: Emotional and psychological exhaustion resulting from over-investment in others’ problems (36:38).
- Terri’s Insight: HFCs often experience self-abandonment by prioritizing others' needs over their own, leading to exhaustion and resentment (37:03).
- Solutions:
- Honest Self-Assessment: Recognize where over-functioning occurs in both personal and professional contexts.
- Prioritize Personal Well-Being: Ensure that one's own needs and emotions are given precedence (37:55).
- Avoid Self-Abandonment: Maintain a balance between helping others and safeguarding personal mental health (37:55).
Transforming Relationships and Leadership Through Healthy Boundaries (37:55 - 44:29)
Candy and Terri discuss the transformative power of setting healthy boundaries in various relationships, including friendships, partnerships, and employee interactions.
- Personal Relationships:
- Example: A listener shared how setting boundaries during Thanksgiving prevented overextending herself, ultimately strengthening her relationship (39:50).
- Professional Relationships:
- Terri’s Recommendation: Utilize tools like the resentment inventory and boundary quizzes to identify and address HFC tendencies (42:28).
Resources and Conclusion (44:29 - End)
Terri Cole provides resources for listeners to further explore HFC and boundary setting:
- HFC Toolkit: Available at terricole.com/hfc, including her book The 9% Edge: Life Changing Secrets to Create More Revenue for Your Business and More Freedom for Yourself.
- Boundary Quiz: Helps individuals determine their boundary archetype and understand their codependent patterns.
Terri’s Final Thoughts:
- Self-Responsibility: Emphasize taking responsibility for one's happiness and energy (38:07).
- Healing Through Awareness: Bringing unconscious patterns to light is the first step toward change (17:41).
Candy Valentino’s Closing Remarks:
- Encourages listeners to utilize the provided resources and implement the discussed strategies to foster healthier relationships and prevent burnout.
- Call to Action: Listeners are urged to take Terri’s boundary quiz and explore her toolkit for personal and professional growth.
Notable Quotes
- Terri Cole (02:23): "When you really look at high functioning codependents, they are highly capable, highly ambitious, highly successful women who feel responsible for other people's happiness."
- Terri Cole (09:02): "How do we know if it's caring, codependent or controlling? Because at the base of any codependency is an attempt to control other people's outcomes."
- Terri Cole (22:44): "Instead of weighing in on other people's situation, instead of auto advice giving, we need to create some internal expansion and breath and learn to ask expansive questions."
- Terri Cole (37:03): "When you're not telling the truth, when you're not asserting what it is that you want, you end up a fraction of a person."
Final Takeaways
- Identify and Acknowledge: Recognizing HFC patterns is crucial for personal growth and preventing burnout.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and communicate boundaries in all relationships to maintain emotional well-being.
- Empower Others: Shift from solving others' problems to empowering them to find their own solutions.
- Self-Care is Essential: Prioritizing one's own needs and emotions is not selfish but necessary for sustained success and happiness.
- Utilize Resources: Leverage tools like resentment inventories and boundary quizzes to better understand and manage codependent behaviors.
For more insights and tools on overcoming high functioning codependency and establishing healthy boundaries, visit terricole.com/hfc and consider reading Terri Cole’s The 9% Edge.