The Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast – Episode 790

Red Flags Driving Women Out of Church (and How to Fix Them) with Kadi Cole

Release Date: March 10, 2026
Host: Carey Nieuwhof
Guest: Kadi Cole

Episode Overview

This episode tackles a pressing and often under-discussed issue: the significant decline in women’s engagement and attendance at church, especially compared to men and younger generations. Leadership consultant and author Kadi Cole joins Carey Nieuwhof for a candid conversation exploring the theological, cultural, and practical “red flags” that are contributing to this trend—and, crucially, offers actionable solutions for church leaders who want to rebuild trust, empower women, and build healthier, more effective ministries for everyone.

Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. Complementarianism vs. Egalitarianism: Foundations and Realities

(03:01–11:24)

• Definitions
  • Complementarianism: A hierarchical theological model where men and women are equal in value but have distinct, complementary roles, with men holding ultimate leadership positions.
  • Egalitarianism: Holds that men and women are equally capable and called to all roles, including leadership, without hierarchical gender distinctions.
• Nuance Not Binary: Most churches exist on a spectrum, not fully one or the other, and individuals often find themselves aligning with nuances, not absolutes.
• Effects on Women: Women often have emotional and personal stakes in this issue because it impacts their sense of calling, worth, and practical opportunity.
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “For women, it tends to be a much more personal issue...It changes the way we view ourselves and what God has called us to.” (09:18)
• Manifestations in Church Life: Workarounds such as allowing women to “share” but not “preach,” or preaching only on Mother’s Day demonstrate practical attempts to navigate these theological lines.
• Shifts in Views: Cultural changes (e.g. later marriages, higher education for women) have prompted many churches to rethink practices, even if not always shifting foundational theology. (13:38–15:46)

2. Women’s Leadership Gifts and the Rise of Alternative (Non-Church) Platforms

(18:36–23:57)

• New Opportunities: Many talented women—historically not given space on church platforms—have moved their ministries online or into parachurch formats (e.g. Bible study movements, social media, or publishing), often reaching audiences far greater than within traditional churches.
• Implication: This is frequently not “rebellion,” but simply stewardship of calling and gifting. The church’s lack of space for such women leads to talent and influence bypassing traditional congregational structures.
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “That calling will not go away if it's not utilized in the church. It will just relocate.” (20:42)
• Strategic Church Response: Churches must learn to identify, empower, and pastor “outliers”—those with unique anointing or exceptional influence—to prevent them from simply leaving for better opportunities elsewhere.
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “We have to have the pipeline and we have to make space for the anointing.” (27:16)

3. Why Are Women Leaving the Church?

(32:12–37:18)

• Data Shifts: For the first time in history, men are engaging with church at higher rates than women, reversing a long-standing trend.
• Key Factors:
  • Lack of ROI (Return on Investment): Women are exhausted by the demands of church involvement (serving, attending, programmatic involvement) with little meaningful return for themselves or their families.
    • Quote: Kadi Cole: “[Women] spend a lot of time at church or they're involved in a lot of things with very little sort of ROI on that.” (33:30)
  • Moral Failures & Abuse Scandals: The “church too” and “MeToo” movements have exposed serious trust breaches. Many women have personally experienced or know victims of abuse in the church, leading to profound disillusionment and mistrust.
    • Quote: Kadi Cole: “I think the issue of trust in the church as a whole...is probably the number one issue.” (47:38)
  • Irrelevance: Ministry models haven’t kept pace with societal shifts in women’s roles—more are educated, employed, and caring for both children and aging parents—but church strategies and support systems are stuck in the past.
  • Disconnection with Next Gen: A growing disconnect between how church treats women and how younger women (especially Gen Z) see themselves and seek spiritual fulfillment.
  • Breakdown of the “Get the Man, Get the Family” Model: Previous strategies successfully targeted men, assuming women and kids would follow. This model no longer aligns with changing social realities and family structures. (36:24)

4. The Vital Role of Emotional Intelligence and Safety

(61:35–69:42)

• Relational Competency: Emotional and relational intelligence aren’t “soft skills”—they’re now core to church leadership, and women often outperform men in these areas.
• Abuse of Power and Toxic Culture: A lack of emotional intelligence, bullying, “bro culture,” or failing to create safe spaces disproportionately harms women and drives disengagement.
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “If you aren't managing your own emotions well...it's really hard to practice emotional intelligence and create space for other people.” (67:42)
• Safety as Priority: Both physical and emotional safety are paramount for women—leaders often underestimate the psychological load women carry (e.g., physical vulnerability, past trauma).
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “...That safety around physical safety, but also emotional safety, spiritual safety, all of those pieces are a huge commodity.” (70:14)

5. Practical Solutions, Recommendations, and Vision

(43:46–75:00)

• Maximize Weekend ROI: Align programming and services to help families (especially moms) get the most out of Sundays; offer options like Thursday services or integrated block programming to reduce weeknight time demands. (43:46)
• Preaching for All: Ensure sermons, stories, and illustrations reflect both men’s and women’s experiences. Expand the storytelling repertoire to connect with women emotionally and contextually.
• Leadership Development: Intentionally include women in leadership pipelines and visible leadership, even within complementarian frameworks.
• Transparency and Accountability: Be open and proactive regarding policies, handling of abuse, pastoral misconduct, and give clear pathways for addressing power abuses. (61:35)
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “Those wide nets, those very transparent conversations actually build trust. They don't derail it in today's culture.” (63:18)
• Integrated Discipleship: Abandon siloed, “men here, women there” discipleship models in favor of integrated, multigenerational, and multifaceted approaches—reflecting how younger generations actually relate.
• Cast Vision for Women: Call women to obedience, discipline, and kingdom impact as strongly and as often as men; women want to be challenged and inspired.
  • Quote: Kadi Cole: “Jesus doesn’t discriminate on gender to calling as a disciple. Please just call everybody.” (65:07)
• Make Equity a Habit: Analyze practices for gender equity—are stories, mentoring, roles, and recognitions balanced? If you won’t meet alone with women, don’t do so with men. “Just make sure you’re representing both really well.” (70:14)
• Imagine the Impact: Challenge leaders to imagine their church with 50% more committed, gifted leaders available—what doors would that open for ministry effectiveness? (73:33)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Bypassing the Church for Influence:
  Kadi Cole (20:42): “That calling will not go away if it’s not utilized in the church. It will just relocate.”

• On Workarounds:
  Kadi Cole (11:24): “I think some of those things are the result of just congregations and leaders creating workarounds...most churches have been shifting in practice, if not full theological viewpoints, to the middle.”

• On Safety and Trust:
  Kadi Cole (70:14): “That safety...is a huge commodity. And the churches that are leading in that are creating places where people feel safe to also explore their faith.”

• On Vision for Women:
  Kadi Cole (65:07): “Jesus doesn’t discriminate on gender to calling as a disciple. Please just call everybody.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Quote | |------------|----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:01 | Complementarianism vs. Egalitarianism explained | | 09:18 | “For women, it tends to be a much more personal issue…” – Kadi Cole | | 13:38 | Trends and shifts in church practice around women in leadership | | 20:42 | “That calling will not go away if it's not utilized in the church. It will just relocate.” | | 32:12 | Why are women leaving the church? The major reasons | | 33:30 | “They spend a lot of time at church...with very little sort of ROI on that.” | | 47:38 | Trust issues: “Probably the number one issue...” – Kadi Cole | | 61:35 | What successful churches are doing to engage women | | 65:07 | “Jesus doesn’t discriminate on gender to calling as a disciple.” | | 70:14 | Creating safety: “That safety...is a huge commodity.” | | 73:33 | Vision exercise for leaders: imagine 50% more female leaders |

Takeaways for Leaders

• Rebuild Trust by being transparent, accountable, and swift to address abuse and power dynamics.
• Make Room for Gifting, not just “pipelines.” Recognize and empower outlier gifts as a stewardship issue—don’t force unique women leaders into narrowly defined boxes.
• Integrate, Don’t Segregate: Future-ready churches are integrated across gender, age, and gifting—not siloed.
• Elevate Relational Skills: Emotional and relational intelligence must become non-negotiables for leadership at all levels.
• Move Past “Get the Men, Get the Family”: Develop direct strategies for engaging and honoring women in all life stages and circumstances.
• Be Equitable and Intentional in preaching, stories, mentoring, and ministry development.

Final Reflection

Kadi Cole encourages church leaders to “imagine their church with even just 50% more amazing leaders in your ranks…What would that change?” (73:33). The challenge is not just theological, but profoundly practical: Will churches adapt to welcome, trust, and empower the full talent and calling God has placed in women—or continue to lose them to other platforms and, ultimately, out of the church altogether?

Connect with Kadi Cole and Resources:

• Developing Female Leaders book
• Female Church Leaders Podcast
• Ministry cohort and resources: closingtheleadershipgap.com

Summary prepared for listeners who want an in-depth guide to the key arguments, insights, and practical wisdom from this essential conversation.