Podcast Summary: The Carey Nieuwhof Leadership Podcast

Episode CNLP 791 | Why Church Dating Advice No Longer Works: JJ and Kait Tomlin on the Realities Single Christians Face
Date: March 12, 2026
Host: Carey Nieuwhof
Guests: JJ and Kait Tomlin (Heart of Dating)

Episode Overview

This episode explores why traditional "church dating advice" no longer resonates with modern Christian singles. Carey Nieuwhof interviews Kait and JJ Tomlin, founders of Heart of Dating, to discuss the gap between church teachings on relationships and the lived experiences of singles today. They unpack cultural and technological shifts, share personal stories, address widespread confusion and pressures in today's dating landscape, and offer a fresh, practical framework for leaders, pastors, and singles alike.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dating and Relationships in the Modern Digital Age

• Church’s Outdated Advice:
  Carey humorously confesses he hasn't dated since "before you were born" and acknowledges the generational divide and rapid change in dating norms.

  • "I've taught dating and relationship series, and literally, I haven't dated since before you guys were born." (00:20, Carey)

• The Rise of Digital Dating:
  Kait and JJ met on a Zoom call during COVID, highlighting how tech has shifted the way singles connect.

  • Kait: "We met on a zoom call in the middle of COVID… at a Galentine’s virtual conference." (05:27)
  • Growing prevalence of FaceTime dates and remote connections due to online dating and remote work. Fifty percent or more Christians now meet online.

2. Lack of Resources and Outdated Teaching

• Gap in Content:
  Kait started Heart of Dating after finding "for every 350 books on marriage, there’s one for dating" (07:17).
  • "There's a lot of marriage content out there... not enough books, podcasts, content for dating as a Christian." (05:52, Kait)
• Effect of Purity Culture:
  Kait reflects on growing up with "purity ring in middle school," recounting the damaging shame and pressure from I Kissed Dating Goodbye-era rules.
  • “It had good intentions, but it had a horrible effect... if you sit next to each other on a couch, there has to be two pillows between you…” (30:34, Kait)

3. Depressurizing Dating for Christians

• Overcommitment and "The List":
  Discuss the problem of hyper-intentionality (e.g., “I’ve had coffee with him—this is the one!”).
  • “I had previously been the girl that hyper committed really fast... These are words we use in the Christian world that secular people have no idea about—‘pursue,’ ‘intentional,’ ‘guard her heart.’” (12:15, Kait)
• Practical Framework—Five Stages of Dating:
  JJ and Kait urge leaders to teach a modern, less-pressurized framework:
  1. Single
  2. Dating (non-exclusive, "data gathering", friendship-building, no physical contact)
  3. Relationship/Defining the Relationship (exclusive, romantic, hand-holding, possibly kissing)
  4. Engagement ("pre-engagement counseling" highly recommended)
  5. Marriage
  • “Date for 90 days, non-exclusively. At the end of 90 days, see if you want to be in a relationship…” (51:53, JJ)
  • “Engagement shouldn’t be more than two years. One year is minimum.” (58:11, Kait)

4. The Impact of Modern Technology and Culture

• Dating Apps and Online Connection:
  Variety of apps discussed (Hinge, Bumble, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, newer apps like Arc).
  • "Hinge is probably the coolest and most acceptable app for secular and Christian." (17:30, Kait)
  • Stigma in Christian circles about dating apps is unwarranted; intention matters more than medium.
• "Sliding into DMs" is common and accepted—even for church leaders.

5. Psychological and Gender Dynamics

• Effects of Porn and Social Media:
  The hosts discuss how digital pornography and Instagram have warped men’s standards of beauty and attraction, making moderate, realistic attraction seem insufficient, especially for men raised online.
  • “For men, because of porn in the digital age, our compass and our objective scale of beauty is so jacked up...” (24:05, JJ)
• Women’s Expectations:
  Women often have an "up-and-to-the-right" approach, looking for men who match or exceed them in all areas (income, education, emotional intelligence).
  • "If I’ve spent 10 years in therapy, he needs to have spent 10 years in therapy..." (68:54, Kait)

6. Dynamics within Church Culture

• Lack of Single-Friendly Spaces:
  Pastors and leaders are encouraged to recognize that half (or more) of their congregations are now single (“51% of the U.S. adult population is not married,” 75:16, JJ), but church ministries are often married/family-focused.
• Avoiding Stigmatizing Language:
  Be careful with terms like “gift of singleness” or “just be content” as they can come across as dismissive or insensitive.

7. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Soft/Hard Launches in Dating:
  • Kait: "Soft launch—just a photo on Instagram of our hands. Hard launch—you’re tagged as a couple." (38:14)
• On the Pressure of Christian Dating:
  • JJ: "Don't date for marriage... We have put so much pressure on dating that going on a date means something way more than it should." (36:47)
• On Young Adults Ministry:
  • "Don’t call it just young adults—because it excludes everyone after 27... Just say it’s all ages." (82:18, JJ)
• On Relationship Stages:
  • JJ: “First six months—could I marry this person? Second six months—should I?” (56:10)
• On Attractiveness and Character:
  • “If you can’t tell me one single flaw they have, you’re not ready to marry this person.” (61:17, Kait)

Notable Timestamps

• 05:27 Kait and JJ describe meeting on Zoom and the reality of digital age dating.
• 07:17 Statistical gap in Christian dating content.
• 12:15 Defining “intentionality” and "the list" in Christian dating culture.
• 30:34 Purity culture's damaging rules from a firsthand perspective.
• 51:14 Break-down of the five-stage dating framework.
• 54:09 What to look for: compatibility, character, capability.
• 61:44 Fear of commitment ("fobo"—fear of better options).
• 65:12 Dating app statistics—swipe rates and the "paradox of choice."
• 75:16 JJ on “majority of America is not married.”
• 84:13 Why singles events can be intimidating, especially for men.
• 87:05 Words and phrases to avoid: “Gift of singleness,” “Contentment.”
• 90:05 Carey suggests platforms and panels to share real single stories.

Do’s and Don’ts for Leaders Speaking to Singles (88:40+)

Do’s

• Do create specific ministries or spaces for singles of all ages—not just “young adults.”
• Do invite single leaders and stories onto panels, sermons, and into leadership.
• Do update your teaching and frameworks to reflect reality, not nostalgia.
• Do acknowledge the pain and complexity in dating—lead with empathy.
• Do encourage a culture where dates aren’t equated with engagement and can end without shame.
• Do check your language—use analogies and stories that fit all kinds of households.

Don’ts

• Don’t call it only “Young Adults” or host “Singles Mixers” with heavy dating pressure.
• Don’t use phrases like “gift of singleness” or “just be content.”
• Don’t pressure for fast engagement or diminish the challenge of being single.
• Don’t assume your teaching experience from decades ago is transferable without updates.
• Don’t stigmatize online dating.

Advice and Encouragement for Single Christians

• Date the unexpected: Be open to men or women outside your usual "type."
• Don’t over-spiritualize or over-pressure first dates—a date is just a date.
• Pray for, encourage, and affirm men and women who are trying to grow and be open, not only the “ideal” candidate.
• Don’t idolize marriage; pursue growth and rich community in whatever stage you’re in.
• Leaders: Regularly, not just seasonally, spotlight and affirm singles in your sermons, stories, and leadership.

Closing Resources

• Heart of Dating: heartofdating.com
  • Mentorship program: School of Dating
  • Podcast on all major platforms
  • Free resources and a comprehensive dating personality quiz

Final Thought

JJ: "When you were 23, 24… probably the number one thing fighting for your attention to focus on Christ and worship is: who is the other attractive single person here that I could talk to?... This is the number one thing in a single person's brain." (92:19)

For more on this episode and related resources, visit careynieuwhof.com